Do I like how this is making me feel?
I jotted this question down in a post draft a while back, and I have no notes about where I heard this question. I'm guessing it was on a podcast?
But...I thought it would be a helpful question to throw out there at this time of year, when we traditionally think about what we want the upcoming year to look like.
I like questions such as this one because they encourage individualized thinking.
Resolutions inspired by thoughts such as, "Everyone else is doing this." or, "I really ought to do this thing/not do this thing." are obviously not individualized.
But, "Do I like how this is making me feel?" is so personal.
Do I like how this food makes me feel?
Do I like how this activity level makes me feel?
Do I like how these spending habits make me feel?
Do I like how this level of stuff-ownership makes me feel?
Do I like how I feel when I spend my time in this way?
Do I like how I feel when I spend my money this way?
Do I like how I feel consuming this type of media?
If the answer is yes, then I think it's fine to carry on as is.
And if the answer is no, perhaps there's a resolution there; a call to switch things up because that habit isn't serving you.
I also like the rather positive spin this puts on things; the resolution is there to make your life serve you a little better.
It's kinda like my no-bed-rotting experiment I did recently. I realized I didn't really like the way it felt to scroll on my phone before work; it serves me better to not do that!
It's a kinder, gentler question
You know how sometimes we feel a tremendous amount of pressure to Do All The Things, starting on January 1st?
This question could help to mellow that out a little.
Do you like how you feel when you put 10 new resolutions on your plate? No? Ok, then you could dispense with most of those and go with one or two.
I also think it's a gentle way to think about resolutions. Instead of motivating yourself with shame or blame, you focus on what will make you feel better.
For example, instead of thinking, "I shouldn't eat sweet rolls for breakfast.", I can think, "I like the way I feel when I have some protein and vegetables at breakfast, so I'm going to prioritize those."
Instead of thinking, "Lying in bed scrolling on my phone is a bad habit.", I instead think, "My mornings go better when I roll right out of bed, and I like the way that feels."
Instead of thinking, "It's bad to be sedentary, so I should go to the gym.", I could instead think, "My body and my brain feel better when I exercise, and I like that, so I'm going to get myself to the gym."
I'm not punishing myself; I'm taking care of myself.
I know everyone finds motivation in their own unique way, but for me, this positive method hits the spot perfectly. 🙂
If you give this a try, I'd love to hear how it goes!
P.S. To state the obvious: this question only works if you look at the big picture. In the moment, we like how it feels to eat junk food, lie in bed, buy a bunch of stuff, and so on. But if you zoom out and then ask, "Do I like, in general, how this makes me feel?", you can get some more sensible answers.
The Frugal Girl blog;
Come for the frugal tips or maybe a recipe, stay for the mindset and encouragement. 🙂
Love this thought process and approach!
@Heather Mar, Perfect description!!!
@Heather Mar,
How true! 🙂
Grear reframe! I love your ideas here. I don't enjoy exercising in the moment ('15 minute workouts' are kind of a lie because you have to get ready and set up - similar to how 'quick recipes' leave out the prep) but I like how I feel afterwards, so that gives me motivation.
Knowing your personality type helps too. 'New year, new me' doesn't work for me because I cannot think of myself as a brand new person just because a new calendar year has started (plus I always think of the new year really being in September, thanks to school), so for me it works better to write down some general goals, whereas for others, the 'new start' works for their mindset. Neither of us are right or wrong - it's just a personality difference.
I am also someone who doesn't like feeling boxed in. I like structure, but it has to be structure I create, if that makes sense. I hate being told what to do and I'm not interested in reading x number of books or seeing x number of films. I don't like meal planning because it feels suffocating, but on the flip side, I go with the concept of something hitting protein and vegetables, rather than not thinking about it at all. I also think about what I want for dinner early in the day, rather than at dinnertime when I'm hungry and can't think clearly. Similarly, I try to go to the gym and strength train twice a week, but I don't write down the days. I go with whichever two days serve me (but not two days in a row, because that's bad for your muscles).
Finally, I try and write a mixture of hard and soft goals (ie, ones which are definite, like trying out a running club) and ones which are easier or more general. With that in mind, I always give myself days to do nothing and to just be. As much as I enjoy crossing things off my to-do list, it's not where I want to focus all my energy!
@Sophie in Denmark, *Great, not grear!
@Sophie in Denmark, I totally agree about personality affecting habits. My husband is exactly like you in that he doesn’t like to be told what to do unless a good reason is attached. So, in your perfect example, you don’t like meal-planning but adding protein makes good sense and then will affect the content of meals. He can’t help his personality and we all know to just attach a good reason when asking him to do X. It all works out if you take personal proclivities into account.
@ErikaJS, I have always been this way. Even as a kid I wanted to know the reason behind rules! I can't stand rules for rules' sake.
There's also a frugal aspect to this mindset - it encourages you to reconsider how you spend your money and time, making frugality a natural by-product. I like the tip to "zoom out". To see the bigger picture gives it greater perspective.
Very insightful! As I have aged, the type of goals that I set for myself have changed. Having just passed 60, I have most likely entered the final 1/3 of my life. I am not worried about career growth or having a bigger house. I want to spend more my time doing things that make me happy, being with the people I love, and making a difference, however small, in the life of others.
@Bee,
This is exactly it for me: "I want to spend more my time doing things that make me happy, being with the people I love, and making a difference, however small, in the life of others." So well stated.
@Bee,
I feel the same way,,,"doing things that make me happy, being with people I love, and making a difference however small, in the life of others". I am approaching 60 in January and my perspective has shifted after becoming aware that my time on this earth is not as long!
@Bee, Speaking of insightful, your comment is that. I could almost print it out and place it on my bedroom mirror. The people I love, family above all, get my time and attention above others things in life at this stage.
@Bee, absolutely. i agree. although a bigger apt with two bathrooms might be nice.
@Bee,
well put, Bee! That's exactly how I feel and intend to live the rest of my life - specially that I am now retired.
@Bee,
Yes yes yes! I'm a newly minted 64 year old, and will be retiring at the end of 2026. I (maybe) "could" or "should" work longer, but I want to do all of the things you mention.
@Bee, one of the signs it might be time to retire
https://www.aol.com/finance/warning-signs-time-retire-risks-191500666.html
Excellent advice, Kristen. Taking a more positive and gentle approach toward aims works a lot better for me (and, I suspect, for the majority of others) than beating myself up.
I'd add that keeping aims (a word I prefer to "goals") manageable is important as well. I find myself turning again to that journal I bought a few months ago, blank after the first January entry. Not only did the writer spend the second page beating up on herself (both the handwriting and the body image description suggest "herself") for her weight, body shape, and general physical condition; her list of goals on the first page included such heavy lifts as "healthy weight," "a yoga practice as an integral part of my life," "a spiritual awakening," and "financial freedom." No wonder this poor woman--and I feel genuinely bad for her--never got past the first two pages. I wish she'd started both smaller and kinder.
@A. Marie,
We all thrive with a little encouragement especially self-encouragement. Some people say things to themselves that they would never say to someone else. It is important to be kind to oneself.
@A. Marie, you have so much talent reframing words.
@Bee, indeed it is. And I add my praise to everyone else's for your statement above.
@Anita Isaac,
Yes, you do, A. Marie. We can tell you're a very fine editor!
@A. Marie, That's so sad (if unsurprising). I saw an empty productivity journal in a charity shop earlier and was tempted to snap it up, but suspect I would fill out only one or two pages and then forget about it!
I have always struggled to stick with new habits/resolutions for any length of time so this reframing is helpful for me. It's a different, simpler way to get to the "why" of what I want to do. I'll give it a try; thank you for sharing this.
Something else I've been doing this week, is looking back over the year -- just rolling month by month through my calendar -- to see how I spent my time/what I accomplished/things that happened, etc. It's been helpful to remember all that I did get done, but the main purpose is to help me identify what I want for the coming year -- a "more of this, less of that." I love the work that I do, so more of that. More writing, more walks, more photography, but ultimately, I'm after what Bee said so well in her comment: "I want to spend more my time doing things that make me happy, being with the people I love, and making a difference, however small, in the life of others." Thanks, Bee! 🙂
@Beth (in VA),
❤️
@Beth (in VA), I like your 2025 calendar review. Thinking back on the year initially seems like a big blur so I’m looking forward to sitting down with the calendar and a nice cup of tea.
@Book Club Elaine, My roll through my calendar reminded me what a highlight the FG Meetup was in June. It was wonderful to meet you (Annette Bening twin), Kristen, and everyone else who was able to attend. 🙂
Looking back at changes and improvements I’ve made to my life, I can’t recall any that were the result of a New Year’s resolution or goal.
This big picture, personal approach makes so much sense! I’m going to percolate on this for a couple of days and identify a physical habit change and a spiritual practice change that would result in better feelings in my life in 2026.
@Book Club Elaine,
O I love your expression "percolate" !
I see it before my eyes - my parents used a percolator to make coffee, when I was growing up. A very vivid image, and so suitable!
Thanks for sharing this perspective, Kristen. It is a gentler way of changing habits that are not healthy (instead of heaping on guilt!). It also takes a mindful approach. I like that!
Happy New Year!
I really need these questions to try to rewire my brain. Unfortunately I come from the generation who was motivated by guilt, liberally dispensed by parents who thought guilt was the only way to raise successful children. Truly not the way to happiness and contentment.
Not to the specific topic at hand, but . . . as I was reading this, I was thinking that you sound (in a good way) like a counselor or therapist sometimes. You have a gift for making your audience examine themselves without it feeling like criticism. I was wondering if there's a way to combine that with your practical, medical training as a nurse. My brother is like this, too, and in his "real job" as an airline pilot, he's on a team for the company that calls their pilots after a traumatic event--forced landing, bomb threats, physical aggression, whatever--to talk to them. The purpose is really to ascertain if they're safe to fly again, but in practice, he functions often as a counselor to people who are pretty upset. I was just thinking something like this might be a great fit for you, if there's a nurse equivalent.
Always such great and practical advice, Kristen! When is the book coming out? Haha. I love this.
This is how I think of a lot of my habits. I journal every day, and so many entries lately include things like - I spent X amount of time on Y dopamine chasing website. I felt bad the whole time I was on there (the website topics made me mad or sad etc), and VERY bad when I stopped (as I had to feel whatever feelings I was avoiding by using the site, and I am upset about the internet content, and additionally I am upset my time was spent on websites I don't want to be on and not on things I want to do with my time).
You'd think with very direct self reflection - everything about this makes me feel bad!! - it would be easier to stop. I've even written pages on why I do this behavior (it's easy, it's brain candy in terms of quick chemicals, it helps me avoid thinking or feeling my internal self temporarily, etc), but it's still very hard to change.
I work hard to have compassion with myself when I realize I somehow spent hours on the websites I try so hard to avoid, but it's tough!!
Many things in my life that didn't improve my life have been easy for me to cut (certain foods that make me sick, alcohol, etc), but the internet dopamine chasing sites are a very very hard one for me, even though I know it's bad in almost every direction.
There are things that add to my life that I struggle with doing too, even though I know they only make me feel better (a joint movement program before bed, etc). Being a person can just be really hard sometimes!! <3
@Rachel, Could you try setting an alarm for spending time on the websites? Say you want to spend one hour instead of two, and setting a timer, and then gradually reducing the time each week?
@Rachel, you are so right, “Being a person can just be really hard sometimes!!” I’m glad we have this safe place on the internet to talk about struggles. I see the dopamine hit addiction in my 6 year old grandson and it causes me worry.
@Rachel, I am trying to be more mindful of how much time I spend on political news and have reduced it. However, I think it is critically important (these days especially) to be aware of what is transpiring nationally and at state and local levels (which although it directly impacts us more, many people ignore) so that there is accountability, justice and consequences. I fear that “busyness” often excuses people from paying attention and that misinformation is rampant. Some regular time spent following news/issues (as well as a healthy dose of critical thinking) is time well spent as long as it is not all consuming.
I love this post!
I took up running a few years ago for a myriad of reasons. It’s often a struggle to get out there and when I reframed my running as a “I get to run!” rather than “I have to run” , it changes everything. Truly, there may come a time when I can no longer run and that will make me a little sad.
I typically don't really make resolutions, but sometimes I resolve later in the year to do or not do something while sometimes I start with the new year. Anyway, "does it make me feel better" is probably a good way for me to frame my thoughts no matter when I make the resolution. Much better than using guilt!
The last few weeks I’ve been reflecting on what used to make me happy that I haven’t been doing lately, for good reasons or for no reason at all.
I love classical music and chamber music in particular. For years when my parents were still with us, I would buy season tickets to the concerts for the three of us and for my older sister. The concerts were usually on Sunday afternoons, and it was a lot of fun for me to pick everyone up and take them to the concert and then out to dinner. Then my parents died, and my sister lost her mobility, and it was hard to find other people to join me, so I stopped going.
But a couple months ago, I decided to go by myself, and found myself seated beside an older woman with whom I really connected. We talked and talked (only before and after the concert and during intermissions!) and really hit it off, and I very much enjoyed the concert. So I started buying a single ticket for the seat beside her. Now I’ve renewed my annual giving pledge and although I’ve been buying single tickets as each concert comes up, I intend to renew my subscription for the complete upcoming concert season.
So Kristen’s post struck a chord (no pun intended!) with me, and I’ve found that asking “what do I want to do?” rather than “what do I want to stop doing?” is the happier path to take.
@JDinNM,
Reading your post made me think how wonderful it was that God arranged for a soul sister to be seated beside you on that first "solo" concert you attended by yourself! The Good Lord takes care of us in many different ways.
@Fru-gal Lisa, I was always told the Good Lord helps those who help themselves!
@JDinNM, I had a similar experience a few weeks ago. I went to a carol service by myself and sat next to a sweet old lady, and we had a lovely conversation before and after the service 🙂
@JDinNM, “God helps those who help themselves” is right there next to “Cleanliness is next to godliness” in the book of Hesitations.
@Sophie in Denmark, I think there's a little bit of "birds of a feather flock together" at work, particularly when it comes to musical taste/events. I've always found the chamber music audiences to be appreciative, knowledgeable, and quite civilized!
@JDinNM, I just read a substack post by Suleika Jaouad suggesting replacing resolutions (outcome-driven and binary; success or failure) with rituals (like journaling). "Resolutions chase outcomes; rituals attend to process." Rituals "steady us.... They keep us from all-or-nothing thinking ... a means of staying in motion....There is no grand reinvention here -- only the patient work of showing up, again and again, nudging myself millimeter by millimeter toward the person I'm becoming."
@JDinNM, I am a big fan of Suleika. Wonderful person, phenomenal writer, extraordinarily gifted and so wise. I always look forward to her weekly newsletter.
@MB in MN, Ditto. I first found her through Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted. And I'm a big fan of Jon Batiste!
@JDinNM, me too, on both the book and Jon!
@JDinNM,
Per my English professor in college, it was originally "the gods help those who help themselves," and it comes from Greek and Roman mythology. Yet, most Christians believe it's in the Bible. (It isn't.)
@Fru-gal Lisa, Alrighty, then! Let's put the win in the pagans' column!
@Fru-gal Lisa, Similar to how people claim 'teach a man to fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you have fed him for a lifetime' is from the Bible, when it isn't. It was coined by Anne Isabella Thackeray Ritchie (William Makepeace Thackeray's daughter). It's somewhat ironic, seeing as how Jesus was all about feeding the poor no matter what (there's a funny Vicar of Dibley scene about that!).
I love this idea! Thanks for sharing!
Great post, Kristen!
The zoom out analogy is very effective, along the lines of the rule of 5. Self care is so important. Heather Mar said it well!
Perfect way to look at resolutions: “I’m not punishing myself; I’m taking care of myself”. Thank you!
I've always loved New Year's Day because it feels like a fresh start. I know in reality it's just one more day in a string of them, but just having a nudge to reflect on the old, plan for the new, is empowering for me. Refreshing.
I think I like it, too, because I always want to be a better me, and this is a reminder to work on that. And by better I also mean happier.
I have some challenges ahead. I need to get better about saving money -- and this blog and Katy's has helped a lot. I need to pursue healthy habits, because I am in the end run now age-wise. I need to forgive others and forgive myself, because we're all just human, and what are we on this earth for if not to help each other?
I am looking forward to 2026!
@Beth W,
Forgiving what you can't forget is a freeing concept. Put on your armor of light and love for yourself and keep it simple. It is not necessary to say to the person(s), I forgive you. It can be a small act of a phone call, email, text to invite.... Meet me for ....fill in the blank.
The most important take away is building up that light inside of you. All else will fall into place.
I am working on this with a favorite cousin. He lost the live of his life, removed himself from his Friends and family life and is now full of anxiety, physical pain and self loathing. Just getting him to my house is an effort.
Raising my cup of tea to you! You're on your way!
I never like to make resolutions because I inevitably break them. However in my walking, I decided that January 1, 2025, I was gonna try and get in 5 miles before 9 AM every day. Yes, I did say walking not running, I am not a runner. On January 1st, I face planted the first quarter mile into my walk. I got up, looked around to see if anybody had seen me do so, that only the embarrassment would be with myself, then limped backed to my car and drove home. Having said this, I got up on January 2nd and got my 5 miles in before 9 AM. And, while I am in Florida and could walk outside, I have found that very large grocery stores are the best place to walk early in the morning. Especially during the very hot, sultry summers. While I will admit I have not stuck to that early in the morning any longer, I do still try to get that 5 miles in every day. And that is, pretty much, my only exercise. And, it's free, no gym membership required. Now, I will be 69 this coming February and, I'll admit, to being not as steady on my feet as I used to be, having been diagnosed with lipedema this year, it has slowed me down. I will still be out there walking but refuse to acknowledge it as a resolution, simply a part of life. For how I feel about it? It is a case of move your groove or lose your groove, no matter what age category you fall into. So, move your groove ladies, every time you hear that music and start toe tapping, we've all heard, dance like nobody's watching. And, if you feel like they are watching, just smile and wave.
Blessings to all and happy New Year.
Another question to ask ourselves is: Why do I have this expectation? Is this expectation mine or have I inherited it from somebody else (a parent, friend, or total stranger on the internet)? We do need to be intentional about setting goals for our own selves.
@Jody S., To add to that, if it is an external expectation, I consider if it's helpful or not. Sometimes others have useful ideas, but if it's just to please them or meet some imaginary ideal I ignore it.
This is so helpful. Thank you!
Love your question, thinking about it and how it could make a difference in my life. I have also been thinking about this question: "Does doing this (any action) help future me?" The experience so far is that I like helping future me! A very simple example is when I am tempted to procrastinate on an unpleasant chore, and I take time to think about how pleased future me would be to have that chore done.