C'mere! I need to tell you something.
Guess what!
I'M DIVORCED.
It got legally finalized back at the end of January, but because so many pieces were still moving (account transfers and such), I didn't want to say anything publicly.
But it's alllllllllllll done now. Whew!!!
No more lawyer bills. No more of the incessant paperwork. No more court dates. No more legal proceedings. I AM FREE.
When I went to sign up for a grocery store bonus card recently, the clerk asked if I was new to the area. I said, "Nope! I just got divorced!"
She offered her congratulations (probably based on my cheerful tone, lol) and I said, "Yep, that's exactly the energy we're bringing to this one."
Sad it had to happen, happy it's done
I recognize that to some people, it is in poor taste to celebrate when a divorce is finalized. And I am of two minds about this.
Yes, it is heartbreakingly sad that my marriage was such that I needed to leave. And also, I am over the MOON happy to be free from it.
Both things are true. There is room for both.
And trust me, I have cried many hurt and sad tears over the fact that my marriage was not what marriage is supposed to be.
But for today, I am just happy, happy, happy to be free.
I am relieved.
I am grateful.
And I do not feel one teensy tiny bit of guilt over my decision to leave and to file for divorce. I am a million percent sure that it was the right decision.
Natalie Hoffman says that we Christian women often feel we need to know for sure, for sure, for sure that we have tried everything before we leave, and then when we leave, we can feel very solid in our decision.
That's me.
I know I tried (probably for way too long) to make that marriage work, to the point where I lost my desire to keep living. And I know that there are absolutely no stones I left unturned in my efforts to stay and do whatever I could to make it healthy.
So now? I feel utterly free of guilt and I have no second thoughts.
I am grateful for all the people who have helped me along the way, and I am also proud of myself for bravely navigating something so hard.
I am proud of myself for working hard on healing from my marriage.
I am proud of myself for taking steps to build a new life.
I am not a failure
Someone in my Facebook group recently categorized divorce as a failure and a sign of our throwaway culture. While I'm sure there are people out there who don't take marriage seriously, and who divorce for frivolous reasons, I can say for certain I am not one of them.
I did not fail. I did not throw away my marriage on a whim. I am not perfect, but I know I knocked it out of the park when it came to the effort I poured into my marriage.
By filing, I merely made official what was already true in reality.
Everyone else is free to have their opinions about the morality of divorce (and about the morality of my divorce in particular!), but I live in absolute peace about my decision regardless of what another soul on the planet thinks. 🙂
Honestly, I got to the point where I wouldn't have cared if every single church and every single pastor/elder on the entire planet told me I should stay; I would still have left and filed. That's how sure I was (and am.)
I persevered under extremely trying circumstances for a super long time. And then when I could no longer bear those circumstances, I took steps to move forward into a healthier, freer way of living.
I am not weak for that; I am strong.
My life is mine
For the first time in my adult life, my house is mine alone, my cars are mine alone, my bank accounts are mine alone...and I feel goooooood.
The future is bright
My life has already improved in leaps and bounds since January of 2022, and I have every reason to hope that trajectory will continue.
Yes, I'm 46. Yes, I've already lived a lot of my life.
But there is still a future. There is time for new and wonderful things. There is time to grow and heal.
There is time to fly free.
Please read before you comment: As you rejoice with me, please keep in mind that I am not the only one who may read your comments. My children may, my former in-laws may, the Person Who Shall Not Be Named may. I trust you to operate in light of that, with kindness and consideration.
Kristen, let me be the first (or at least among the first) to salute you for getting through a long, hard period of your life with grace and courage, and to wish you all the best for the future. CONGRATULATIONS!!
Thank you, dear friend. <3
My congratulations Kristen, at last! I am so happy for you. I wish you all the best for your future, and peaceful and respectful meetings with former spouse and in-laws in those situations where you may still briefly be thrown together in the future.
Also: I would advise anyone against basing their self esteem on other people's social media comments. I am glad you ignored what might hurt.
I wonder if a few years ago, that would have hurt me more. But at this point, I am so confident in my decision, it really didn't bother me to hear! I did respond to that comment at the time, but mostly because I wanted to be a voice of dissent for others who would read the comment; I wouldn't want someone else to feel judged if they are considering making a decision to divorce.
I’m happy for you and the many adventures coming your way
I’m so pleased for you! There is such joy in your words and your face that I can feel them through the internet.
It’s making me remember Princess Diana in the black dress she wore to the Serpentine Gallery the night Charles’ interview was on tv. And that made me think of your blue stripe Target dress. It’s a dress of someone feeling free and excited for the future.
There are so many nuances that people don’t know about your relationships, that it is not for us to judge you. From my own experiences, I imagine that there are many impacts the marriage, staying and leaving, has on your relationship with your children and other family. Those are things you can work through, with the people you want to remain close to. I’m happy for you.
Congratulations, Kristen! I am happy you and proud of how well you’ve handled this. You have definitely taken the high road. Yay!
I’m proud of you. ❤️
Kristen, I am so happy for you. I can feel your joy in this post and wish you the BEST future ever! Strong confident women are a wonderful role model for their children. <3
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!! HUGS
Love this. ❤
Congratulations Kristen! You have all reason to be happy and to be proud of yourself. You worked so hard to get to the point where you are right now.
Congratulations and blessings as you all move forward.
Long time reader and I really love your blog and the cheerfulness you bring to it. Please keep that in mind when you respond or not (or perhaps not even publish this comment). In your posts about your divorce, it has come across very much that the fault was entirely your former spouse's. You tried to make it work. The marriage what was not what it was supposed to be, etc etc. In your gentle tone and through your gentle words, it has come across very much that the divorce is entirely on your former spouse.
I'm curious - is there something you could have done better or improved on or is 100% your former spouse's failing?
@Jess, seriously?
I appreciate that you tried to be gentle as you asked this question. It was sent to the spam folder automatically for some reason, and I just now dug it out. 🙂
When I say that I tried everything I could think of, I hope it is implied that I listened to feedback, apologized, did my best to change, and owned whatever I possibly could (and then some). Obviously, no human being does this perfectly, but as humans go, I know my level of owning my stuff was good. In actual fact, I spent the vast majority of my marriage really truly believing that I was the sole problem.
And I know that the five different marriage counselors we went to would all tell you that I routinely showed up with an attitude that is open to correction, that I was always asking, "What can I do to make this better?", and that I was eager to implement any changes they recommended.
That's a long-winded way of saying: I know that I am not perfect, but I also know that I humbly did my best to own whatever I was contributing to the marriage problems. That is why I can hold my head high and be confident about my choice to divorce.
I don't know if that helps to clarify things at all, but I don't know what else to say without talking specifically about him, and I am trying hard not to do that.
@Kristen, a most gracious response to a question that clearly didn't need to be asked (or answered)! Sigh.
@Jess, How is this our business? We're here to do what the owner of this blog - our friend - has asked for: support her and be nice. Gentle wording or not, this is NOT nice. Do what Granny said: say something nice or don't say anything at all. Or be mean on your own space and don't crap in someone else's.
@Caitlie, no excrement. She's still digging in case a inconsequential issue was Kristen's fault.
@Jess - she's not just changing her underwear.
@Jess, I can't believe you said that, either!
Kristen has been VERY clear about having done alllll she could--including describibg that ehole process again today!!!
1 personally know of MANY divorces that were 100% one-sided--including my own.
Please look up Steve Arterburn--who is an *uber-expert* in Christian therapy = On the podcast"New Life Live," which he started more than 35 years ago, I heard him say recently:
"[If the divorce was not your fault], when somebody asks you, 'What did YOU do to contribute to the divorce?, say NOTHING!" (He didnt yrll, but emphasized that last word. That's *me* yelling. lol)
That's my story, too.
On top of that, I did
EVERYTHING I could to keep our marriage intact.
Another uber-expert in Christian (and just common-sense) counseling is Dr. Gary Chapman. He has written all the "5 Love Languages" books, plus many others also chock-full of wisdom.
He says, as well, "Don't leave your marriage until you have done ALL you can to preserve it." I felt very validated at that point, because I certainly did.
I hope your eyes have been opened to the fact that divorces can be--and more than a few times ARE---completely one-sided.
@Kristen, There is no need for you to explain your personal life. We as readers know you did & try your best & you are not obligated to justify your actions. Your true character shows through your blog. You are a genuine person who respects all. Hold you head up confidently & enjoy your new life.
@Kristen, You absolutely never implied “blame” and it is none of our business either. You owe NO ONE an explanation of how. specifically hard you worked on your marriage.I pray no one else makes rude comments.Women especially need to support one another through the tough stuff.
@Jess,
this is one of those situations where that is absolutely not curiosity that should be satisfied.
It's a question that you may well have, people are curious after all, but ideally, you'd not ask on account of it definitely being a leading question and also - crucially - absolutely not your business at all.
@Kristen,
you are a lot nicer than I am, that's for sure.
''are you SURE it was 10000000000% not your fault?'' AKA do ya think ya perfect. My eyes rolled so hard that I saw my brain!
@Kimberly,
it's also a totally inconsequential question ''yes but ARE YOU PERFECT'' because very few people believe that they are.
@Jess, My mother stayed in a marriage almost her whole life that she should have left very early on, but she, too, believed that maybe it was partially "her fault" and she could try harder and fix it. Not only was it a very bad marriage, it was a very dangerous one, for her and us children. I suffered immensely from her decision to stay my entire childhood and still deal with the emotional results of my father's abuse in my 50s. By suggesting that Kristen could have possibly "done more" or that it was partially "her fault" you are possibly inadvertently suggesting to many women that they have to stay and endure no matter what. You have no idea the circumstances that Kristen was in. Perhaps they were not as dire as my family's and I certainly hope not. But I know my mother tried to leave twice in my childhood and it was suggested by other family members that she could be a better wife and somehow fix this impossiblity of a marriage. I often wonder how our lives would have been different had we left, and I later became estranged from those family members who suggested it could not have been so bad. Words are powerful and many women read this blog.
Think carefully before you post. I am shocked you would even make such a suggestion.
Kristen, Congratulation on your new life! I hope it is full of peace, love and prosperity.
@Jess, Really not your business. Wow.
@KJ,
for me, it's the false correlation that is so often the thing in these ''gentle'' questions, the implication of ''but YOU are not perfect, ARE YOU?'' in the most saccharine tone that really irks me. When and where did Kristen ever, ever suggest or imply that she was above reproach, saintly and a vision of perfection in all matters matrimonial? She did not. It was not even hinted at.
But that's what this kind of person loves to latch onto ''yes. I drained the family bank accounts, beat the dog, lost the farm, cheated on you with anything with a pulse and at least 3 of their original limbs of either sex, but guess what? YOUR LASAGNE IS WATERY, BARBARA. Several times you forgot to pay parking tickets till there was a warning. So. If you think you didn't contribute to our problems, think again, sister!''
It drives me batty.
I am reading these comments and wondering if we should give Jess more grace, as Kristen did. Maybe she is asking bc of a personal situation she has been in and needs reassurance about.
NO, @Jess--- It sure sounds like you didn't read this post nor any of her others about this. You've missed the entire point.
@PD, Amen!!!
Kristen, I salute you! You are so smart, hard-working and wise. Enjoy your new found freedom.
I am so happy to read that everything is final and your new chapter officially has begun. Your courage, resilience, perseverance, authenticity and tactfulness while navigating this journey is something I very much admire.
Congratulations, Kristen! You have so much goodness and joy ahead of you!
I am happy for you, that you can now put this behind you. Divorce is so mentally and emotionally exhausting, yet freeing at the same time.
I have been divorced 15 years. I remember on the day it was final I told someone and they congratulated me and I burst in to tears, not because I was sad that my marriage was over, but because I was so relieved that I could finally move on. You have a fabulous future (and present) awaiting you!
May God bless every step forward! Your hard work, your joy, and your peace are a gift!
I know several people that have tried, and gotten help, to save their marriages; and like you, it did not work. They have all cried many, many tears. And each person has turned a new leaf and like you, are living. Congratulations.
Congratulations!!!I know, first hand, the feeling of having that weight off your back. Time to soar!!
@Jeana,
I love this… soar !
Congratulations, Kristen. I continue to be in awe of your lovely perceptive and bravery.
Here's to a bright new future!
I am so happy for you, Kristen, that you have come from the depths of despair to a bright outlook for your future. Life is full of hard choices, so congratulations on having the strength to make the necessary ones.
I am so happy you have found your peace! Not a single person in your world or in the *web worlds* will ever know the 100% nitty gritty inner recesses of your mind and how things that went down in your marriage affected you. Many DO know much of it and will have their opinions- if you gave plenty and were justified, did not give enough, morally failed or earned your halo for what you put up with.. In the end they still don't count to weigh in! lolol
From what you shared all these years, you committed to a man and a family, you fought HARD for both, you pulled back and went back in fighting harder and in the end you knew all your efforts were not going to save what needed saving, change what needed changing. I am proud of you for the fight you have shared. For protecting yourself and showing others who look up to you, what you deserve to be treated like. What a wife and mother deserve to be treated as.
My hope and prayer for you is that relationships that have been fractured or strained can be healed and strengthened to where you want them to be!
You are strong and worthy and your example will carry on!
Something I read in these last few years helped me; I don't know who said it, but the gist is that the person who is the expert on how it was in your own marriage is...you! Other people can think they know how it was, and can form opinions based on that, but I am the one who was there, living it. I don't need someone else to explain my marriage to me, as if they have more information than I do. 🙂
@Kristen, Really need a like button for this one.
@Meg in SoTX, I really wish there was a like button, I would do every comment.
@Kristen, “like button!”
@Kristen, I always say if you aren't one of the persons in the marriage you don't get a voice. These rest of us can just offer support and, now, congratulations! You are an amazing role model.
I have been waiting for the post so I could congratulate you! Welcome to the other side, it is lovely here! You have earned the happiness and relief you are feeling, and no one should try to get you to feel differently.
You know your truth and so does He...rest in that. Much love Kristen.
So very happy for you, Kristen!! Thanks for sharing your personal journey (while keeping things incredibly respectful)- I can only imagine how many others have been encouraged along the way as a result. You're amazing, and I'm proud of you!
We can feel your happiness in this post. Congrats on a new chapter in life. 🙂
So thankful you have come through this season of your life. Proud of you.
I wish you and your children many happy years! Think of what a gift you have given your children: the knowledge that they don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage.
@Meira@meirathebear, LIKE! No one should ever have to stay in an unhappy marriage!
I wish you all the best in this new season of life!
Yay! You did it! Your words so perfectly captured my experience, although I was married for longer than you've been alive. Yes, 47 years before I brought myself to leave. My only regret is that I waited so, so long.
You are going to be very happy.
@Queen of Fifty Cents,
I am currently divorcing after 41 years. Not an easy thing but I’m glad to hear someone else did it and came through
@Vallie D, hugs from over here. I hope you continue to feel that this is a safe space.
@Vallie D, hugs from me too. I've been married pushing 42 years - meaning married for way more years than not. But there can always come the time when being married isn't a emotional/physical/mental/financial "plus". You'll get through it. And may you not be a "trad wife" (gads I really hate that term and its meaning) so you have means to support yourself. So important for a female/one who identifies as female to be able to support herself. I would have NEVER had a child, much less children, if I could not support s/he/them by MYSELF.
Sending good karma your way.
Congratulations. You are very brave. Nothing is forever and choosing a healthier, happier life is better for you and also your children. Your marriage failed but you are a winner.
For me, A long time reader, I say congratulations and as long as you're happy, I'm happy for you. Here's to a new exciting chapter that I can't wait to read about. Also, you have set a great example for women at all ages, in all walks of life of how you can change your circumstances and move forward.
So happy for and proud of you! A long, difficult journey to be sure, but you are rocking your new life!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
I work as a tarot reader and obviously, I talk about love and relationships a lot. The SADDEST conversations I ever have with people are when I ask them "if you knew your daughter/sister/friend/whoever was in a relationship just like yours, would you be happy for them?" and hearing no as the reply.
I always say "things don't have to last forever to be successful, things don't even have to be successful to be successful" and I hope as I embark on my own blogging and self publishing journey in 2024 and beyond I can navigate sharing the ups and downs of my own life with even some of the compassion, grace and courage you've shown and shared.
That is such a helpful question to ask oneself! Because sometimes we accept treatment that we would never want someone else to accept.
I am so proud of you.
We are all so proud of you.
Congratulations ❤️❤️❤️
Finally!!! Prayers for you and your extended family. Thank you for the many ways you have helped those of us readers who are also walking the divorce route. It requires a unique set of skills and support but the grief is real. And the joy and peace is a gift from God.
@Nancy, Yes! = Walking through my own divorce--and rebuilding my life--has been made easier by what you've shared with us, Kristen!
Thank you soooooo much!!
Congratulations. Having been there/done that (with only a few years in...not the many, many years that you strived), I understand that relief, joy, freedom, and lightness. You have worked so very hard for this and the life you have now built.
Sending good wishes for a continued new HAPPY and fulfilled life! You navigated a very difficult part of your life with grace and courage. You invested in yourself by getting back to school to give yourself more options and stability for the future. You showed your daughters, most importantly, and other women that read "The Frugal Girl" that it is okay to leave a relationship/marriage that is no longer working and that at any point in one's life, you can build something new, different, supportive, better!
Your future is bright and you made it that way! All best to you!
The effort you put into your marriage was incredibly evident and I hope that you don’t see it as a lost chapter. You inspired me to do 14 days of valentines for my husband for the last several years and it has made our marriage stronger and better, I’m so grateful for the way you pursued a healthy marriage and showed the balance of doing your part to maintain a marriage AND ALSO doing your part to protect yourself by ending one that another ounce of effort couldn’t change. Congratulations!
Aww, I am happy to hear that. I don't regret the way I showed up in my marriage with kindness, and in any future marriage, I will still bring that same kind energy and enthusiasm because it is who I am.
I just will be QUITE circumspect in any future partner-choosing. 🙂
I cannot imagine all the relief and freedom you must feel after a very difficult chapter has closed. Thank you for showing grace and kindness as you went through this, even though it may not have been deserved, so that now you have no regrets for making a change. Blessings to you as you move forward!
Kristen,
I can hear the relief and joy in your post. You should be proud of yourself for all you have accomplished and the path you have set yourself upon. I wish you many happy times today and going forward.
Thank you for being a role model, though that was not your intention, for those that need one. There are many marriages that are good, including mine, but I know there are also those that are untenable.
One of the many, many reasons I dislike organised religion is that it has an absolute obsession - it is obsession - with what people are doing in their personal lives re marriage, sex and all that, BUT MOSTLY targeting women. Women must try harder, work harder, be kinder, prettier, put out more / less/ whatever. Women, especially mothers, have being ''sacrificial'' as something to be lauded and aspired to.
And then, they must tacitly ''get approval'' to be allowed to end their marriage.
The ''in the old days, WE WORKED ON OUR MARRIAGES AND DID NOT THROW THEM IN THE TRASH'' schtick completely ignores the many, many people of both sexes (but disproportionately women, because obv) who were yoked in absolute misery, lest the Church / neighbours / law disapprove and remove their children and everything that they had from them, that they'd be pariahs. It is a stain on society that this was as it was for so long.
Basically, congratulations on your new chapter. You have been an amazing mom and teacher to babies, young kids, bigger kids and now young adults. You are continuing to love and support and be a safe place for those same kids and focusing on your own goals and life, furthering your education and taking new paths. This is extremely exciting!!
Agreed; and I now realize that there are marriages that will never be ok, no matter how much you try harder, work harder, be kinder, give more, become smaller, and so on. If I had realized that sooner, I would have exited sooner. I had believed the lie that success was just around the corner, that I ALMOST had it figured out.
Now I know that was a doomed mission, like trying for years to grasp onto a bit of fog.
@Caro, 100%! Kristen, feel free to ignore if you don't want to read this/have read this, but This American Ex-Wife by Lyz Lenz has a lot of praise for its analysis of marriage and its place in culture, written by someone who was thrilled once she was able to get divorced. It might be worth checking out!
@Caro,
Amen Caro! So well put.
@Kristen, and @ Caro,
Caro, so well said. My bff was dependent on her now-ex's income for a large part of their marriage. She started working part time once her kids were teenagers (they are now 19 and 21). She knew they had problems, and after pursuing individual, couples, and family therapy (plus individual therapy for each of their two kids), plus doing all she could to make things work, her now-ex's actions caused things to move to divorce. Kristen, much like you....many tears, anger, frustration....she is now free, and is becoming the absolute best version of herself ever.
I am celebrating with you, Kristen. Fly free, indeed.
Good job, Kristen. You’re a light.
I am so happy that you are so happy! ☺
I SUPPORT you. ☺ (in remembrance of that old post in Kristen Prompted).
♥♥♥ Hugs to you!
I love this for you and we love you. Thank YOU for sharing your journey with us and allowing us to be an audience to your growth and healing. Thank you for being an incredible example to your girls of what healthy looks like. You are incredibly strong and amazing!
My hope for you and your family and even your ex is that you all find happiness. Congratulations on taking this step forward to find your happiness!
I wish you joy and peace going forward. You fought the good fight. You are strong. You are ENOUGH.
Congratulations and here is to everything that is to come!
Congratulations! Only God our Lord and Savior is able to judge and only He knows our heart. May He grant you blessings upon blessings and a deserving new partner. Finally, let he who lives in glass houses cast the first stone.
Hi Kristen,
Congratulations! Your have & will continue to thrive. I am happy you found yourself & found happiness within yourself & built a life of your own. These are all hard tasks. Divorce is just part of life. Noone should Shane you for divorcing. If they do, it is their own problem. No religion or religious person or figure will ever tell me any woman shouldn't divorce. I feel perhaps the woman is the smart one to no longer put up with the nonsense pointless frustrations. I respect everyone woman for moving on! You will have a job as a success RN very soon. I have a lot of respect for you. Please continue to enjoy your life. I hope one day, your son will come back and be a part of your current life.
Congratulations, Kristen. I am so glad for you that you were able to do what you needed to do to save yourself and move forward.
Kristen, I wish you only the very best moving forward, and for your loved ones as well. I find the 2024 Kristen to be so powerful, and someone I'd be honored to know in 'real' life. Your inner core knows who you are, everything else is just noise.
@Tamara R,
Hear hear!
I, too, will wish you congratulations! Much of what you wrote applies to my situation as well, so I completely understand your experience.
You are fierce, you are strong, you are at the beginning of a whole new you.
I send you Big Congratulations. I also felt so relieved when I received the final paperwork for my divorce. I had to work through a lot of my own "failure thoughts" but I am so very glad I am where I am.
It sounds like you may already be there, but I send you nothing but good thoughts and vibes and prayers for future you!
I am so, so happy for you Kristen. You are brave and strong and I am so happy that you are free!
What amazing news! Hooray!!!! I've been wanting to hear that your finances were fairly distributed and that you're in good shape. You've been amazing through everything, and I'm cheering you on for your second half of life. xxxx
I think I can speak for many of us to say that we're proud of you, too! It takes a lot of strength and perseverance to go through what you went through.
Yay, you!
I don't know the details of your situation, but we have walked this road with our daughter, and I feel the same. She was in a terrible situation. She tried to save her marriage. She left for her own sanity and safety. Because of that choice she lost her job, her home, her car, many friends, and a lot of hard-earned money. She didn't care. She just wanted to be free. I would never have chosen divorce to be part of her story, but I know God will use it, just as he is using and will use yours. Rejoicing with you!
@Julia, IMHO, she didn't lose friends, she lost "friends". Sanity and safety usurp hard earned money sad to say. She can replace income, no replacing sanity and safety. BUT she has a rock in her life and that is you and your SO/partner/spouse. She has a support system which is more than some have.
@Julia, We walked the same road with our daughter.
As a long time reader of your blog.., which started because I needed to learn how to be frugal after my own marriage breakdown.. I am really happy for you. With your new career in nursing you will soar (as Jeana said). Much love and all the luck in the world to you xx
I love everything about your post-your joy, your strength, and your continuing grace.
I am so happy for you. I know the last part of your life was more of a wait time. My mother talked about how she couldn't really move on because their were so many new people in her relationship with my father... the lawyers, judge, her mental health professional. She divorced at 44, went back to nursing school at 45, and worked as a nurse for 23 years before retiring. She also meant my step dad and married during that time period. Although so much of it was sad, I remind myself that I wouldn't have 4 parents, my younger sister and wouldn't be the person I am if they hadn't moved on. I think the word is bittersweet.
I'm so happy you are happy. Congratulations on doing what is right for you and looking after yourself. Did you know divorce parties are a thing? For some they be in poor taste, but if it floats your boat why not. I think there are even divorce party planners.
Oh man, I feel this in my soul. I know exactly how this feels and I am so excited for you! I left my very, very unhealthy marriage nearly 9 years ago now, many years after I should have left, and it was honestly the BEST decision. The last 8-9 years have been the best of my life. It was excruciating and so difficult, but so unbelievably worth it.
I came to know that God doesn't like divorce because as his child he loves us and doesn't want us to go through something so painful. But sometimes, when the marriage is very damaging, it is completely necessary. He wants us to be whole, strong, fruitful people and when we allow ourselves to remain in abusive relationships and situations we are not honoring God with our lives and he would want us to remove ourselves from those situations.
I am so proud of you for doing what was hard but necessary. Very happy that you are at peace with your decision. Wishing you all the best for the future.
Congratulations! I am SO happy for you! I’ve been divorced for 4 years and still feel the overwhelming sense of peace and joy of being free from a marriage that I tried so so hard to save. Your future is bright and I can’t wait to see what comes next!
It's been very impressive to watch your evolution over the last few years. The joy, confidence and peace you now exude jumps through my screen. I'm so, so happy for you and know there are awesome things in your future!
@Bobi, YESSS!!! I have noticed, as well
I also stayed too long. I just had to know I had done everything possible to make it work. Maybe I had to punish myself for a bad decision.
It felt like my life was over. I was divorced with a child and a part time job.
Fast forward one graduate degree/dream job, two grandchildren, and 35 years of marriage to a great guy in my church. I can see my life was just getting started. I wish the same for you.
I wish the best for you on your new journey. I have admired your strength and resilience over the last two years. I believe you can do anything!!! Congratulations!
Congratulations on your new beginning! I wish you all the best for you. You are thriving, and I love to see it!
I feel proud for you. You did the hard thing and came out the other side.
Congratulations! I am so happy for you and excited to continue to see your life evolve.
I am so proud of you! And delighted at your positive attitude and acceptance of your own strength in the face of adversity. Enjoy your new path, you’ve earned every bit of this new beginning!
The smile on your face and the joy that exudes from your post says it all. (Allllllll the happy face emojis!)
I don't comment often, but congratulations. Been there myself and there is something about the end of one chapter so the next one can truly begin.
Thank you, Jonathan!
Congratulations! It's been a long road, and you deserve happiness. Glad you are done with the former and can focus on the latter!
"I do not feel one teensy tiny bit of guilt over my decision to leave and to file for divorce. I am a million percent sure that it was the right decision." -- This part, especially, makes me so happy for you. Yay, you for boldly stepping into an unknown future when your circumstances were no longer bearable. Many years ago, I stayed too long in a relationship that was colossally unhealthy for me because the women in my family stayed in unhealthy relationships (largely due to a misguided sense of guilt based on bad theology) and I thought I had to also. Once I broke free from that, I vowed I would never, ever sacrifice myself in a relationship again.
I am so proud of you and the positive and healthy example you have set and are setting for your children. You are a true SHERO! Congratulations! I hope the rest of your life is full of abundant and surprising joy and peace. ❤️
Yes. I thought I had to as well. For the same reasons!
Your happiness and joy deserve congratulations! You have worked so hard to come to this point. I wish you all the wonderful things for the next chapters in your life.
Crying tears of joy for you!
Aww, that made me cry. <3
Congratulations! No one who isn't in that particular marriage is in a position to tell someone whether to stay or go, if/when they've tried hard enough, or anything else. I'm so glad you're at peace and happy with your choice and newfound freedom. That's all that matters! 🙂
Now, good luck with getting your name changed on everything. It felt like it took a couple of years to finally get my name changed on everything after I got married! Hopefully, your experience will be faster!
I am glad for you. You gave it your all, that is all you can do I life.
Kristen, you are an amazing woman. I am so happy that you finally have the peace you deserve.
You are young; so many good, good things are to come for you- both personally and professionally !
We celebrate your new start! Just keep looking to Jesus who loves you… yes the actual you, the one he created … always!
❤️
There comes a time....congratulations on your new freedom.
I am happy for you. Best wishes for a bright future.
I’m at the beginning of this road and I hope to navigate it with the same grace and dignity and kindness you have shown
You have consistently been up front about your heartbreak but also cognizant of who is reading and what they message is. That is a very difficult balance of truth and kindness and you have navigated it amazingly!
I too feel like I did all the things, possibly for too long, and know it’s the right thing. That doesn’t negate how awful and difficult it is, but it does give some peace
All the best on your next chapter!
So much agreement on the peace. When you have tried so hard for so long, you tend not to second-guess yourself when you leave. There is no wondering, "But what if I had tried X or Y?" because you DID already try it all.
Congratulations Kristen! Not only should you be proud of yourself, but know that you have also been a beacon of hope to all of us as we traverse life's ups and downs, not only with marriage/relationship issues, but really for any and all the hard things that life throws at us. To see the happy, proud person you are today, even though I know it took a lot of time and struggles to get to this point, fills my heart with hope and joy! Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us!
Hello Kristen,
I am a long-time reader (and never commenter) on your blog. You are right that you still have a long life ahead of you, full of new experiences to be discovered 🙂 I think you are really brave for taking such a big step towards ensuring that your life can be led the way you envision it - I am sure it was not at all easy and that you had to really be at a stage where you tried everything possible to do your best in the marriage. Regardless of those who throw around their opinions on the morality of divorce, I think you are completely right when you say your life is yours alone and all your decisions can only be made by you (and not by the rest of the world that is privy to your life). 🙂
Wow it's been a long journey to freedom, but you are there finally. We all know this was not a journey you took lightly. Congratulations!
Congratulations- you're standing up for yourself! An exciting life awaits!
May God bless you and keep you as you enter this new chapter of your life.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. But congratulations on making it to the other side -- intact and stronger. I wish you nothing but the best. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, anonymous internet strangers.
My cup overfloweth for you xo
A bittersweet milestone, indeed, Kristen. You have shown the epitome of grace in your restraint about what you have chosen to share or not share, and I have only deep respect for the way you have navigated this oh-so-painful chapter in your life. You have modelled both integrity AND self-respect by drawing that line and recognizing when it was time to take charge of your own future. I am bookmarking this post and may share it with someone I know who is struggling.
@Pauline in Upstate NY, YES INDEED —such class, grace, sensitivity, integrity, all the way to the final line about reminding her Commentariat to use care in their words.
Kristen! Joining in to rejoice with you and say how proud I am of you!
As a 71 year old, I gotta say—46 is young!! You have so much wonderful future ahead of you! Praying for many blessings as your new life continues to unfold! God bless you!
I am very happy for you and how bright your future life looks! You didn't mention your kids, and I understand that, but I know that you have also adeptly navigated their feelings in all of this and have been forthright with them. They will also benefit from a whole Mom who is living her best authentic life.
I've been wondering if you were getting close to being officially divorced. You have seemed lighter recently. Here's to new beginnings!
I read somewhere once, and I forget who said it, but a marriage is like a meatloaf--the only people who know what is in it, and what it's truly made of, are those who have put it together. So it's nobody's business why you divorced, at all. Congratulations on forging a new path for your life!
Thank you for sharing so many helpful things over the years- this journey to divorce and beyond one of the most helpful of all! Congratulations to you. To look inside yourself and know certainty about a decision is such a gift. You've shown your children what is possible. I hope you keep enjoying every bit of your freedom!
Heart emoji. Hug emoji. Relieved emoji.
I am so proud of you for doing so amazingly well for yourself. You modeled strength for your girls and broke free of your youthful training. You deserve every happiness.
I am so happy for you. Congratulations. Life is too short to stay where things are not healthy for you, for whatever reasons.
This piece was beautiful in that we truly understand how important finally being divorced is to your happiness and well-being.
I for one, celebrate your decision. It could not possibly have been easy but...you were courageous in seeking a healthier life for yourself...which in turn can only help all of your children (whether or not they realize it. Not my business but we have seen that there is no reference to your other two children)
Every woman in a marriage with issues should read this piece. I would urge you to see where else online (other sites that might have women addressing this issue) it might be shared directly.
In my opinion, there is no reason on earth that justifies a woman staying in a marriage based on what others (family, friends, religious persons in authority, folks who follow a religion that they think justifies their criticism of you and your decisions) think.
You are strong. You are brave. You are healthy. You are worthy of creating a life that makes you feel safe, respected, acknowledged for who you are and what you need and want. YES YES YES YES YES!
You are NOT a failure. In life, things do not always work out. We pretty much have all learned that with both friends and family. We must, however painful, choose what is truly mentally, physically and emotionally healthy for ourselves.
I for one celebrate with you and I love seeing you so FREEEEEEEEEE.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey! It’s not an easy road to walk, but you putting yourself out there during the process is so refreshing and will hopefully help someone who is struggling. I’ve been divorced for 5 years and like you it was easier because I honestly felt like I did everything I could to make our marriage work. We have a child together so we are tied together for life but knowing that I did everything I could helps with the resentment and hurt I felt (and still feel at times today).
Every time I think of a friend of mine who has gone through divorce, I think of a phoenix. Regardless of whether we left the marriage or had no say in the marriage ending, there is a transformation that we go through. You have gone through that transformation beautifully.
Congratulations! You did what you did was best. It isn't easy as I know from experience but there is LIFE on the other side and you are living your best! I wish you all the best for your future!
So proud of you! 🙂
"The past is your lesson. The present is your gift. The future is your motivation." (Zig Ziglar)
To arrive at this moment in time with no regrets, knowing that you gave it your all, is a blessing. It's your time to shine, Kristen. May your light always be as bright as it is today. Go forth and conquer!
Congratulations on your freedom! I'm so happy for yo! Only you can decide what's best for you so ignore any nay-sayers. Best wishes for a bright future!
Kristen, I will be repeating what the majority of the Commentariat will have already said. I rejoice with you not because your marriage ended, but that you, thru so much heartbreak and effort, have made it to the other side. You tried, and persevered, and did so much to not get to this point, but then when it was inevitable, you bravely forged a new life. Brava! Also, peace looks good on you Girl. You are beautiful.
Kristen, that was a long, winding, steep, and potholed road that you traveled. A divorce means the marriage failed, not that you failed. You were heroic. God may hate divorce, but more accurately, I think he hates the reasons that divorce becomes the only alternative. Sounds as if He Who Shall Not Be Named broke the vows to love, honor, and cherish. I repeat, you were HEROIC in your efforts, and you kept it together until the offspring were (mostly) on their feet. Despite the difficulties, you reared excellent daughters (and I hope your son finds his way back to you).
P.S. Maybe you can dump those torturous heels now.
Congratulations! Move forward with peace and happiness.
I'm glad you're past this painful period of your life and it's wonderful to see you so happy.
I still remember the new-found energy, the lightness, and the sense of freedom from coming out of a bad marriage almost 50 years ago, and I totally get how you feel.
It's not been my experience that women are told to stay in bad marriages by churches, especially marriages with adultery, abuse, addiction, lawlessness and so on. I know the ideal is to have a solid, lifelong marriage, but we are human, and not everyone is going to have a marriage that is "survivable." I think most churches understand that. You gave your marriage your best, Kristen, now go forth freely to give the rest of your own life your best.
So, so proud of you and happy for you. I can’t wait to hear about your next chapter. Praise God. ❤️❤️❤️
Congratulations!! There is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate your freedom! I did the same after my divorce...after mourning the loss, processing all my feelings and crying a boatload of tears, it was time to celebrate moving on. You may only be 46 but I met the love of my life at 49. I never knew marriage could be this good! And my dad met his sweetheart at 70! I spent many years happily single between my marriages and I'm with you in the camp of "You don't need whiskers to do that" (including just happily living your life!), but I'm ecstatic that you're free to pursue whatever it is you want for your life now.
We don't entirely know what went on in your marriage and how long it went on. But there are many women who are in difficult marriages, who needs support from someone who survived (?) all of the paperwork and separation of assets. Of course, they also need money for it and their own financial support.
Changes in people can make a change in a marriage. When the initial dreams hit a fork in the road, do we go together, do we each take a separate road?
At least now you can move on and maybe you can help others. Based on the blog, helping others seems to be in your personality.
When I divorced almost 17 years ago, I was surprised that I felt ashamed, that I had failed. Until I realized that I had never looked at anyone else who divorced as a failure, so I didn’t need to look at myself that way either.
Congratulations!
Although I don't know you "in real life", I have read your blog for years and know that you never give less than your all. The fact that you tried so hard, for so long shows that you did not ever take your vows for granted. I am so happy that you did what was best for you, and hope that your kids recognize that this was a healthy move and how strong you had to be to make this move. I hope they see the grace and honesty you showed when sharing on the blog. You knew what was best for yourself, but never stooped to bashing your ex. Wishing you much happiness moving forward with your new life.
I love your joy.
I love your persistence.
you are so strong and a wonderful leader for women looking to change their lives!
Wow, 131 comments already! I suspected this was the case back in January because your tone shifted to be obviously lighter and happier. I hope you continue to find joy in your life no matter what circumstances may bring.
I think we forget that divorce is a process, and that there are so many factors involved in the decision to divorce and the process itself. Mine turned vindictive and petty, resulting in hundreds and hundreds of attorney dollars as well as hours and hours of grief and soul-searching. I was left with 100% responsibility for our two middle and high school-aged boys, and that was very hard. The fact that my ex-husband has never contacted either of his sons since the divorce in 1993 breaks my heart for my boys. But in the end, I felt your freedom and can understand completely -- I think you are a remarkable person and mother, and I congratulate you.
@Jean, sad for your boys but real life example of how not to be a dad.
Here’s to a better future for you. It’s so important to be at peace.
Congratulations!
I wish I could give you a big, tight hug and celebrate your joy with you! I rejoice from afar and have no question that you gave it your best shot and then some. Moving forward with a big smile and a happy attitude! Go get it Kristin!
Wonderful news! I’m so happy for you and have so enjoyed reading as you navigate the changes in your life!
Congrats! My much needed divorce was finalized yesterday. I will join you in celebrating. 🙂
@Tina S.,
So congratulations to you as well Tina!
@Tina S., congratulations!
@Tina S., A glass raised in your direction as well! Re-joy-ing all around.
@Tina S.,
Here's to a lighter future!
Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your story.
CONGRATULATIONS! I went through a terrible divorce after a terrible marriage to a terrible man; I still remember the day mine was finalized, what a massive weight was lifted from me, and how much lighter I felt emotionally, psychologically, and even physically. I am so, so happy that you are finally experiencing that. God has amazing things in store for you!
Congratulations. Your grace and courage shine through in this post.
So happy for you!
Major CONGRATULATIONS!! on this milestone. And especially for having taken the time, the energy, and the honesty to be certain this step was the right one for YOU.
Have a wonderful time living your new life 🙂
Kristen, you did what you had to do. No one should shame you for that.
You are a strong and beautiful woman. (And now, an independent one!)
If anyone criticizes, tell them "judge not, lest ye be judged."
You go, girl!
@Fru-gal Lisa, Agree. There's way too much judgment around these days!
Congratulations! Life paths take us in places we don't expect but sometimes the surprise reveals the greatest demonstration of freedom. So happy for and proud of (? not exactly the right word - maybe admiring?) you for following through with what is right for you!
My oldest sister filed for divorce at the age of 58 after 30 miserable years of marriage and 2 children because, as she told me at our parents' 60th wedding anniversary dinner, "Another 30 years? I don't think so..." An awful lot of women hang in there an awful lot longer than they probably should, trying with all their might to "make it work", and JD Vance should just put a sock in it.
@JDinNM, Yes!
@JDinNM, you are being far too kind to the shillbilly.
Congrats! How beautiful it is that you are choosing to life your life intentionally. You are so brave, and it’s so generous of you to share your journey with others.
Kristen, I’m proud of you for all that you’ve come through, for all that you’ve overcome. I commend you for taking the reins of your life to move out of an unhealthy situation and for your humility in sharing your ups and downs throughout your journey. Best wishes as you move forward. You are strong!!
Aww, I'm so happy for this new phase of your life! I'm inspired by your bravery to work through everything you've experienced. What a beautiful life awaits.
You are an inspiration. I salute you both for trying to save your marriage and for taking action when it became clear that that was not possible. I hope you have 46 wonderful years ahead of you, and I hope your children are healing as well. This is never easy but it is absolutely fantastic you are now FREE!
Thank you so much for sharing this! I left my 20-year marriage in June 2019. The last 10 years were absolutely awful, but I stayed because we had young children. Since I left, I have never been happier and I have never looked back. What you wrote here perfectly describes my feelings, and I am so grateful for that! God bless you and best wishes for your future.
You are radiating joy in all these pictures, it made my heart so happy for you!! You deserve all the happiness in the world!
This is beautiful to read. I can feel your joy and confidence through my screen. I wish you deep happiness!
You seem to specialize in doing hard things well. (Like home schooling four children, starting nursing school in your 40's, trying to save your marriage, deciding to leave your marriage.) I hope you find an emotionally healthy, giving person to share your life with, when you are ready.
@Lindsey, if she is ready. There is nothing wrong with being single (cat lady or not mind you).
I’m so happy for you. We celebrate our 50th in a couple weeks. I’ve always been happy in my marriage, but reading your comments, you must have been so miserable. Our daughter also divorced after 20 years (4 kids) to/with a narcissist. It was the best thing for her and she’s so happy now.
Congratulations, Kristen! I'm so happy for you!
I love this so much. SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!
Sending you so much love and light in your new life. I've followed you for a long time and I've always appreciated your honesty and thoughfulness. Cheering for you and your new life!
Regardless of how somebody feels about the decision to divorce itself, I can’t imagine that once the decision is made, that there wouldn’t be relief and gratitude that the process is over. So glad that the paperwork and hearings are behind you, and I hope that your dedication to making your marriage work and many sacrifices for your family were taken very seriously in considerations of how to divide assets.
Praying for a bright and joyful future for you!
Congratulations! May peace and love find you, and all your family!
Celebrating with you!
I think you've self identified as an Enneagram 9. If I'm right in that memory, so much of what you're describing seems like Right Action. Well done, both on your efforts for a healthier marriage and for your discernment and then action when it was time to go.
The ring. I did this. The diamond was placed on a ‘mothers’ necklace I already had to be given to one of the children. Or, it could just be put on any necklace to give to your child. The gold bands, I had a jeweler redo by adding each child’s birthstones where the diamond was. I like how it honors the gift of our children. I wear the ring. I had only boys so this made sense for our family. Oh, and congratulations. It is totally appropriate to say.
I’ve followed your blog silently for many years, and am grateful for your thoughts on approaching divorce. I wish you all happiness and joy in your freedom.
My world is very different to yours, I am not an active Christian/a mother/or particularly frugal but I take strength from your journey as I start my divorce after 10 years of marriage where I worked so hard to make it work.
It makes me happy to see you feeling happy, confident, and hopeful about the future. Yay you! 🙂
Glad to see you got your shine back. Enjoy everything you created.
I am but an internet stranger who has followed you for many years. You never shared much online, always operated with complete discretion, but I saw how much discipline, creativity, and love you poured into your kids, your household, your finances, and your blog. I 100% believe you put that and more into your marriage, and I'm so proud of you and happy for you that you are free now. I think the second half of your life as a parent to adult kids and amazing nurse is going to be a grand and joyful adventure!
Congratulations! Very happy for you. Blessings to you on this journey.
Many, many more bright days are ahead for you my friend and I am cheering you on every step of the way 🙂
Congratulations on your hard earned freedom!
Congratulations! I have been reading your blog since shortly before you announced your divorce, but I don’t think I’ve ever commented. You have handled the entire process with grace and courage. I believe that you gave it your all, and it’s evident you took your marriage very seriously. It has also been clear how happy freedom has been for you. I hope you have many wonderful years ahead of you!
I also need to say that you continue to be an inspiration for those of us who are still clinging to deeply broken marriages and may feel very scared at what life would look like after twenty years of homeschooling and being a stay at home mom. To know that it is possible to change a life so drastically and bravely, to start over when many people expect to already be settled, and not just survive — but THRIVE — is exactly what we need to hear. So that maybe we, too, might feel brave enough to choose peace and freedom for ourselves someday. So, thank you. Sincerely, thank you.
(My apologies if this posted twice. First time I tried, it said there was an error.)
I am so happy that my story has helped you to see some possibilities. That is why I share; because I know seeing a story like this would have been super helpful for me years ago.
Sending you love. <3
Yay, you! You are indeed strong. When it is right, it is right.
You expressed this journey of new freedom very well. You have walked this out amazingly well. So proud of you.
I am more of a talker than a writer when it comes to expressing my thoughts and feelings so I will just leave it at that. Wish I could express better in writing.
Thank you for your encouragement!
I've been in your situation and I know exactly how you feel. There is so much joy and happiness ahead of you. Take it!
YOU ROCK, LADY! You put a lot of thought, work, and pain into this, decided it was what you wanted and needed, and then got 'er done. Celebrate the hell out of this. It's your right and your perogative.
Are you doing anything in particular to rejoice? Rejoice being the right word because it's about re-joy-ing.
@WilliamB, And if there's a single nay-sayer here, just point me at them.
Haha, well....I work two twelve hour shifts, have two days off, and then work two more twelve hour shifts. So I don't know; maybe I will have some energy on the two days off in between? 🙂
@Kristen, suck it up cupcake - used to tell my kids that lol. You are almost 20 years younger than I so I don't want to hear about "energy" 🙂
Biggest congrats on your impressive courage to see this through. You have been kindness and grace throughout a process that surely could make one bitter. I’m so proud of you!!
What a wonderful post to read and delight in! Huge CONGRATULATIONS! Kristen, you have worked so hard, and come out the other side with grace, strength (did you SEE that gun show? lol), and a positive attitude. Looking forward to what the future holds for you!
45 yrs ago and much younger than you I could have written your post almost word for word. I applaud your strength. I know what it's like to be in a marriage you couldn't even believe you were in. My life has been and is wonderful and successful. Last November the former spouse died. I was involved because my adult children needed me because they had difficult decisions to make. The X died broken, broke, and alone. I had no remorse; but sadness that he couldn't change.
Underscoring again how I did the right thing for myself and my children.
Congratulations and much happiness as you fly FREE. My mother would say, when talking about others' marriages, "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors." --
In other words, don't judge what you don't know about ! To stay as upbeat as you have throughout all of this journey is an incentive for all of us. You GO GIRL !
Kristen, you are awesome!
My parents so needed to divorce but did not due to religious and societal expectations. The stress helped kill my dad early and did tremendous harm to me and my older sibling. It's not a failure to realize a radical change is needed and to carry it out. (((HUGS)))
Happy for you to move on to your next chapter.
Kristen,
I'm glad to see that your life has been on a positive trajectory since when you took yourself out of your situation. No one should express their opinions on whether leaving your marriage is right or wrong, they haven't walked a mile in your shoes.
I know as someone who stayed married for much longer than I should have, mostly because of the kids and thinking I couldn't do it without his help that I made the wrong decision and a couple should never stay together for their children. Yes, divorce is difficult on children however living in a house with two parents who are miserable and whatever type of abuse might be happening that the kids can't see, it's better for those children in the end for them to have two parents who are happy apart. A happy home and two parents who don't use their children as pawns but learn to coparent well together is the best for all. That's my opinion anyway.
Go forth, single lady. Congrats.
I admire your balance of candor and tact in what you've shared online. All the best wishes as Phase Next of your life begins!
I am most proud of you for recognizing that you did everything humanly possible to make it work, and when it still did not work, you knew it was the right thing to leave that marriage. Not every woman in that position has that kind of strength.
You set a wonderful example for your children. Congratulations on your freedom! May life only continue to get better from here.
CONGRATULAATIONS MY FRIEND. (HUGS)
There's a difference in giving up, and knowing when you've had enough. And I'm so glad you saw the importance in knowing you were worth leaving, however incredibly hard that was. Congratulations on the weight being lifted, and realizing just how important your happiness is <3
You've had your time of grief and sadness. Now is your time for whatever you want it to be. Just you! You are doing so well!!
Congratulations! Thank you for your wonderful blog and for sharing so much with your readers. Your post today was definitely something I needed to read ❤️Thank you again and wishing you the best.
Thank you for bringing us on this journey with you. It has been beautiful to watch you persevere through hard things while remembering to be grateful, and now continuing to thrive and flourish. Hugs!
I am happy you are happy!!
Dear Kristen, I believe you. Congratulations on this new chapter, I admire your strength and good humor.
I’m typing through happy tears for you, Kristen. Your future is so incredibly bright!
Aww, Tammy. Thank you!
I don’t think I’ve ever read a post or blog where the feelings of the writer were jumping off the page like this and that made me think now that is a happy woman! It’s so very obvious you did not make this decision lightly and I am firmly in camp no woman should stay in an unhappy situation so good for you!! I hope the best is yet to come for you.
I am so very happy for you, Kristen. I wish you wonderful things going forward.
So happy for you! I also have a similar story and know that feeling of a huge weight being lifted. So much life to be lived, enjoy!
Congratulations! So happy that you made the right choice for _you_! And I'm glad that you didn't even include a picture of the tears of the past, it was great to have a post with nothing but gladness!
Congratulations!
Kristen, onward and upwards! Congratulations on your new life, and all the hard work it took to get here.
Tis death do us part is a control issue IMHO. Yeah, some are more in love with getting married (aka the ceremony, parties, honeymoon) than being married. And nope, you're not changing spouses like you change underwear (what an extremely stupid and ignorant thing to think, much less say out loud). Glad you are at peace with your decision AND that you stood up for what is yours. I know there are times when a spouse, usually a woman (sad to say), makes the decision to not fight for assets. All I can say is it wouldn't be me.
Thank Gerald Ford, a true Republican, for signing the ECOA. I am old enough to remember a divorced woman in my town who had to have her DAD co-sign for her to have utility accounts. UGH - and to think there are people, mostly white males, who think that was A-okay. A pox and I'll stop.
Glad you are in a good place and are *not* accepting all blame. It is what it is.
So happy for you. It has been delightful to watch you build a new life. Very excited to follow along this new chapter.
Congrats! That seemed to take a long time to be freed! I know you have some other sorrows and I’ll pray for everything to work out in the end. You’re a good person and deserve only the best.
So happy and proud for you. YOU ARE AWESOME.
I am so happy for you! You are amazing - while going through your divorce, you went back to school. . . and did very well at school. Way to go! Wishing you all the best in the future.
Kristen,
Your post today reminded me of how I felt more than 40 years ago walking out of the courthouse. I swear the air felt better than when I went in! It wasn’t easy while we still had some shared responsibilities with children under the age of 18, but it got much easier after that. Peace be with you. The process and the decision to divorce are so hard. Now, it’s a new chapter … as a very wise woman once told me, “turn the page.” May the future fill with good times, a renewed sense of self, and a firm belief in yourself. Best wishes!
I have not walked through this myself but know others who have. Celebrating with you!
I will say this...
I'm not religious (divorce of faith for different reasons) but I was raised with a german mindset. That is, basically, you deal with the absolute worst outcome of a making a decision or a change, and if the worst doesn't seem that bad, then there is your answer.
Long story short, we are different people, but I felt the same way about my split. I did my best-which many not be everyone's best, but it was mine- and knowing that, the leaving wasn't traumatic in that way. It just... was.
One of my friends loved my answer as to my status after many years. I just said.. "we were good. then we were'nt. And now we aren't.
Enjoy the peace. Revel in it.
I am so very happy for you. Sending much love, and many hugs.
It is always sad when, for whatever reasons, a marriage ends in divorce. I have gleaned from your blog that you tried to make it work. For you it was not a decision taken lightly to file for divorce and you have been very diplomatic in not airing all the specific issues that you faced. As you say, your family may read your blog and the comments and I applaud your sensitivity in not laying a blame game and bad-mouthing your ex at every opportunity.
It takes great strength to realise that a situation is not going to work whatever you do, so congratulations on having the courage to walk away.
Congratulations on your divorce and I look forward to sharing the next chapter in your life through this blog.
I don't think I've ever posted a comment on your page, although I've followed you for years.
I'm immensely proud of you - even though we don't know each other. You have shown such grace and honour in dealing with a very difficult life altering decision.
Congratulations on choosing JOY for yourself! May the rest of your path be amazing.
Wow, congratulations!!! I think it's really great how you've handled this any how you have created a new life for yourself. It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.
I'm sorry I'm so late to the party, so to speak, with regards to commenting. I did read most of the comments yesterday (on a different computer, I have a computer hooked up to the big screen TV, so I can lean back and relax whilst reading).
The first thought that came into my head was...
"You are strong, You are woman, Hear you roar". Wishing you all the best for the future. xx
Congratulations on reclaiming your joy.
Love from Sarah in Kansas
I am so relieved and happy FOR you.My 50’s and 60’s were some of the most fun and productive years of my life,personally and professionally.. you have got it ALL going for you! You’ve MADE some hard decisions, and followed through:The wokring for years on a marriage that was rough , the divorce, moving out of your family home, and going back to school to pursue a passionate career in nursing.Well, WOO HOO! Blessings to all involved..may everyone find their peace. (But especially YOU!!)
I am rooting for YOU! I’ve been following your blog for a long time and I am so darned thrilled that you are now free, and healthier in so many ways!
The wheel of life turns in unexpected ways sometimes and we do the very best we can!! You certainly have and the BEST IS YET TO COME!!
Marriage can be the best where you recuperate, gather the one you love and an inner sanctuary, if it become a cage or a cold prison, its a pitfall. Rejoice your freedom.
As a fellow Christian, I love the perspective that Natalie gave you! When I was younger/ not married I was one of those who saw divorce as a failure. And my marriage counseling for sure made it seem that way (grr...). Now that I'm married (luckily in a healthy loving relationship that LORD willing will continue in that course) my perspective has shifted. You can only go so far to fix anything when someone is pulling just as hard (or harder) against you. You can only get so far when you're pulling a deadweight.
I am happy for you, and happy you are free to move forward.
I don't believe divorce is a failure. I believe in most cases it is a needed change to what is more than likely an extremely sad and hopeless situation. If one gets to the point of no longer wanting to go on living, it is time for that change. I can read your present demeanor through your photos and your words. This was obviously a good and needed change for you.
Good for you!! I wish you all the best!!
I'm so happy for you!! It takes so much courage to leave and I love that you are modeling for your kids what it looks like to fight for a marriage and when it's not working, to value yourself and leave. My Mom stayed with my Dad until my younger brother and I were grown and I understand her reasons for waiting, but I remember wishing in elementary school that they would get divorced. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us!
Hearty congratulations! Been there done that! I celebrated my own divorce 42 years ago. It allowed me to be on my own a while and to find the right MAN to marry 40 years ago.
I found him after deciding I didn't even WANT another husband after dating several immature guys. I was happy with my house, my car, my job, and my dog. Then a friend's husband suggested fixing me up with one of HIS friends and the rest is history!
It hasn't been perfect (after all, we're both human), but the good has far outweighed the bad, and I'd say we're happy together.
You have a LOT of life in front of you, and a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Enjoy it and celebrate!
HALLELUJAH! I truly know what you are saying!! Nor was it ever my intent....but though it may seem strange...sometimes God is with us in this!!! My two adult children...one with asbergers and the other greatly wounded in the family...and I have healed greatly and are a much healthier safe family than could ever imagined!! As it has been said...no one knows what really goes on behind closed doors. No matter the exterior front put up and the esteem in which a spouse was once deemed to be held. It can be false!!!! They too are in God's hands and perhaps can/will seek Him!!! I wrote you once before...early on in issue...with concerns and well wishes in navigation of divorce/ equitable distribution....so thankful this is over for you and you and your daughters are in my prayers. Congratulations on all you've achieved and are/will achieve!!! God Bless and keep you always!!!
I join many others to congratulate you, with hope for your future. You have done a strong and adult thing, to try to make your marriage work, then to be realistic and true to yourself, and to leave. And now to build a new life. I am a Christian too, or try to be, and it sounds to me like you have been true to the Spirit. Our lives are meant to be joyful, and you are already feeling it! Whoo hoo! Some of modern attitudes about marriage were formed in a time when the life expectancy for men was 50; there was no birth control; and women had no legal agency. The men who articulated the rules didn't listen to women either, or show much compassion for the painful experience of being trapped. Celebrate your new freedom, your new profession, your children who are doing well also, and the new chapter of your life that is just beginning. Age has nothing to do with it.
Congratulations! I'm soon to be 41 and going through divorce and planning a huge party when it's finally all done!
I almost never comment, but I've been a reader almost since the beginning. Just want to say I'm so PROUD of you and the way you've walked this hard, hard road. Strong is definitely the word I'd use to describe you.
I am thankful that in this time, when people realize after tremendous effort that a marriage is no longer viable, that women have the right to leave.
I think about previous generations of women who were at their husband's mercy as to IF they could divorce or if the husband opposed were sent to mental hospitals for "treatment". I am proud of how far women have come for equality. We still have a long road ahead, but thankful that today separation and divorce are not stigmatized as in our mother's and grandmother's era.
Kristen, your inspiring, you raised great kids, you moved forward with your dreams and created a new life..I wish you joy, peace and happiness in your new life..
So happy for you to be through this rough chapter. You have shown such strength and determination. Wishing many blessings upon you and your family.
Congratulations Kristen! So proud of you and happy for you.
Very much agree with your point: it can be sad that you have to get a divorce, and still absolutely be the right thing to do. You can give it 100% effort, but also know when the only thing to do for your own health & well being is to leave.
So impressed with you for putting in the effort & navigating a very difficult path & coming out on the other side with your independence & positive attitude!
So happy for you! You are an inspiration.
A few days late but here to share your joy and wish you all the best in what is yet to come! Here's to all of the great adventures ahead!
Kristin, God bless you; I am very happy for you. You have given it your all, and sometimes a person has to admit that it isn’t working & end the toxic situation. You are definitely not a failure; look at all you do, & have done! Moved out of your home & established a new one, are going to nursing school while supporting yourself & your kids, and having this frugal girl blog, which I enjoy & am very thankful for. Nursing school is difficult, believe me I know, I am a nurse myself. But it is a really rewarding profession & I am glad you are in it, you will be a wonderful, compassionate RN. Here’s to a great future for you!
I don't know why people are so afraid of the word fail. We don't mind saying a marriage failed. But no one will say they failed. It's not like we enter a marriage under duress. We choose to marry whoever. We may have been young. We may have been stupid. But we chose to overlook our lack of ability to make a good decision and we married someone who became our partner in a failed marriage. And it's not like the two people in a failed marriage can't have a successful marriage with someone else, they both can. We marry someone we are incompatible with for whatever reasons and our marriage fails. Divorce is just a legal action to try to fix a mistake. Why would someone broadcast a divorce online to the world like it's a party. It doesn't seem kind or considerate. I don't congratulate anyone on their divorce. The end of a marriage is not a frivolous or happy occasion for anyone involved. You dealt with your problem.
Congratulations! The decision to divorce should never be taken lightly, especially if children are involved. I know, I have been through it. If the marriage has no hope of making both parties happy, for whatever reasons and much thought has been made, it is time to end the marriage, providing you have done your part to make the marriage work. Both parties deserve to be happy as do the children, if there are children. I don't know you personally or what led you to divorce but I believe you would have given it your all to make it work as you seem to do in other aspects of your life. I wish you only good things in the future. You have survived and this is the beginning.
Kristen,
Congratulations! I am so very happy for you and hope you have peace in your life. Please keep on taking care of yourself.
Hooray for YOU, Kristen!!
I just want you to know, I divorced and left a bad marriage with an infant and a three year old and only our clothing. I ended up with debt I didn't make. It was the best decision. God gave me a wonderful husband four years later. Fast forward thirty years, I am happily married to a wonderful, Godly husband and thank God that I was delivered from a terrible, abusive man. Blessings to you.
There is something uniquely beautiful about a person who is living their life aligned with their truest, best, most authentic inner self. I see that shining in your face. Congratulations on opening a new chapter of your life!
When I divorced many years ago, with two young sons, I realized one thing: Contrary to what I had previously believed, that to leave and walk away was the easy way out - NO - what I learned is that leaving is not taking the easy way out - it is taking the hardest way out. It takes a LOT of courage to let go and move on from what we know cannot be fixed. It would be so much easier just to stay, which is what so many of us do simply because of society amongst other things. So no, it isn't some frivolous idea with no forethought into our decisions. Regret? Yes, as I told someone that came to me to discuss because they were contemplating divorce - I replied - yes I had regret - regret that what I had hoped for didn't turn out that way at all - I regretted that it didn't work and even though I gave it 200% trying to make it work. But we have to come to a place in life that we know we gave something our best and go from there.
Congratulations!
I have been waiting to read this impatiently.
You pulled through this process with a lot of stamina and handled it as gracefully as possible.
I take marriage serious, but some things are be beyond repair and not good for everyone involved.
So you don`t need it, but let me affirm: you did the right thing.
Congrats and Cheers, Katja
First time commenter. I divorced at age 45. Five years later, and I have no regrets at all. I agree with you-- two things can exist at the same time: Heartbreak/sadness and overwhelming relief that it's all done and that you can move on with your life. Congratulations!!
I am so glad you are doing well down the road from your divorce. I anticipate I will be the same!
Kristen,
I wish you the best in what's ahead. Life is hard, so difficult and so many throw in the towel at the least whim, but you did not. In the end you made your decision and you can move on with strength and a resolve that has and will serve you well in the future. I'm proud that you can feel safe and secure in your decision. And happy!
I've never understood why people want to call it a "failed marriage" when a couple splits up. If we did anything else in our life for decades (hobby, career, whatever) and then no longer wanted to do that, no one would call it a failure. Things happen, people grow apart, whatever reason a marriage is no longer working - it's not necessarily a failure.
I imagine it's a relief to have it over and done, congrats on your next chapter!
I am proud of you. And I hope your proud of YOURSELF for setting an such a good example of a strong woman for your daughters. <3
Kristen, many, *many* years I reached out to you via email to tell you how much I enjoyed your blog and now looking back, I realize it was to seek encouragement in a marriage that (I’m guessing) had similar challenges to yours.
Like you, with a very heavy heart and through much grief, with a lot of counseling and introspection, having done everything I felt I could to salvage it for a very long time, I left my marriage of 17 years. As a Christian, I struggled with this decision for years leading up to it, but once I got off the fence, I knew I was on the right side of it….and there have been countless signs and much confirmation for the years that have followed that the decision was right for me.
It’s my turn to encourage you and tell you there is so much love and light and hope on the other side. Divorce is traumatic, but often the choice to stay is far worse. You have so much to look forward to and you are an example of strength and resilience for your children.
Divorce is hard, no matter the circumstances and who decided to call it quit. And as much as I don't see divorce as a failure now (a.k.a. no judgment), I have to say that when I got married at 24 and was divorced by 26, I DID feel like a failure and very disposable (it was not my choice). But now, looking back and having remarried 14 years ago, I see it for what is is : a decision made by one or both people who are unhappy in a situation and decide to prioritize themselves/make life better. Nothing wrong with that.
This was beautifully written and explained and I am sending it to a friend who needs your words. This next chapter is going to be exciting!
Love you, love this! HUGE HIGH FIVE!
You are okay. And I say that, as a Christian who has stayed married for more than 42 years. I believe you tried your best, over and over and OVER.
There will be 'Christians' who criticize you -- but they need to remember that only God is the Judge. Not them. So hang in there, girl. Keep writing - we love to hear from you.
I think of divorce as the death of a dream....almost everyone enters into marriage with hope, love, and a commitment to their vows. I am divorced and, like you, knew that I had tried everything to work through our issues and save our union. After it became clear that this wasn't possible, divorce was the only acceptable option for me. I remember that feeling of freedom when it was all over....my experience with the divorce process was so unsettling....control over my personal life was given to random judges. Every time I went to court thinking I knew what would happen, something different happened...and finally it was over and I felt joy and freedom!
I imagine you have walked through emotional hell for several years. Kudos to you for surviving this entire process! 46 is young and you are strong and wise and kind and loving. I wish you all the best in this new chapter. SWAK
WOW you are a strong and amazing woman you should definitely be proud of all you have accomplished.. congratulations
Wonderful news! I have followed you since the girls were very young, so I have watched this whole thing develop and reach it's cumulation. It takes a very special person to go through this and retain the grace with which you handled each situation as it came up. Congratulations!
You look so happy and glowing and that is all I, someone who cares about you from the other side of the screen, needs to know. Yes, one of the joys and challenges of being human is that we can hold so many feelings and emotions at the same time. Joy and sorry, celebration and grief. I am so happy that you have this moment where joy and relief are the presiding feelings. I am so glad you persevered and you are still here. You have had an outsized impact on my life.
Thank you, Clio!
You ARE brave, you ARE strong and you ARE free! I am super proud of you and know how hard it is (from a very similar experience many years ago). Once you know you've done absolutely everything in your power to resolve something and it won't, you can leave with peace and even eventual joy.
When I walked down the court steps the day of my divorce, the sun was shining more brightly, the autumn leaves were especially vibrant and I felt like my life was finally starting.
Congratulations!!!
It's such a freeing feeling, isn't it??
Kristen, I am SO SO SO PROUD of you and SO HAPPY for you! A huge congratulations, and a big hug from Kansas City!!!
Bravo.
I've been a long term reader of your blog but I don't think I have ever commented. I'm so proud of you for leaving a marriage that was either mentally or physically abusive. That really took guts. You have set a great example for your daughters. I'm also proud of you for pursuing your dream to become an RN. My daughter is an RN. I wish you the best of luck with your new life. I hate to get political (but I'm 72 and don't really care what I say anymore) but I hope your vote in November will be one that supports women.
I wish I had had the courage to do what you have done when I was younger. I think it's too late now. I understand 100% everything you said about doing everything in your power.
Aww, Bonnie, this makes my heart sad for you. I don't know your circumstances, of course, but I will remind you of this: "What's the best time to plant an oak tree? 100 years ago. What's the second best time? Today."
I am sending you love and hope for good things for you, regardless of the path you choose.
I've just now found your blog and have been milling through some archives, taking a right turn and then a left, making my way through the maze of years worth of posts. I just found this one, and as I read, kept thinking "she's saying all the things I feel". You've put into words my very heart. Thank you.
And also, I'm thrilled you seem to have a sense of peace. Peace, above all else, is such a wonderful feeling. Four years since my divorce, and I'm slowly sinking in to some peace. It is lovely. And so are you... I'm really enjoying all the posts I'm finding. Seems I have a lot to catch up on! 🙂 And I'm excited!
Aww, thank you for taking the time to encourage me, and I am so happy that you too are feeling some peace post-divorce.
Glad to have you here!
I missed this post when it was up a year ago. But reading it today, all I want to say is:
Congratulations for choosing to do what you must to preserve your sense of well-being and peace mind. Congratulations for getting through all the challenges involved in divorcing.
To be free to live your life takes courage. And it is often something that requires more than one major decision as you journey through life. (Moving out, studying to become a nurse, etc.)
No, for sure, you are not a failure. In life there are people and things that are not made to last, but they are here for us to learn...and move on, choosing our own mental and physical health. It takes raw courage to do what you did. It is clear you thought about this and also that you worked hard to do what you could. But it takes two in any relationship. Two making the effort in a sincere fashion.
I believe that so much good and joyful awaits you in the years ahead. It is so wonderful to see how much you enjoy being a nurse and the compassion you bring to it. That, for sure, is what we want in our nurses.
We cannot let the opinion of others change our course, unless we, without guilt, wish to do so.
The price (and not just in the material sense, although that is high enough) of divorce is not cheap in terms of the emotions involved. In having to face painful reality. In realizing the life we thought we'd have is not to be. But trusting that leaving is the only healthy choice and then doing it. Far to many women (and men) stay in unhealthy relationships that deeply affect their children in ways they can't imagine. As a child of divorce, I can tell you that it's tricky to be the kid (my father fought for sole custody and lost and having to speak in public to a judge and have to choose who I wanted to live with is just beyond painful) in these things. But when we love people, we don't want to see them in pain and we don't want to live through the fallout of two unhappy people. Even with all its major and challenging changes, divorce is the better option.
Here's to your one year anniversary.
Thank you so much for this!