Bits and Pieces
This is kind of a miscellany post, but not really. I was poking through my draft posts here on my blog and I found multiple little snippets of things that I never published.
And this morning, I have pharmacology exam (heaven help me!*), so I just decided to pull together the little snippets and get them out there.
*having to memorize the side effects of a zillion different drugs has to be one of the worst uses of time in nursing school because...WE HAVE THAT INFO IN THE COMPUTERS AT THE HOSPITAL.
I am not ever gonna be elegant
I know this is a random thought, but...sometimes on social media, I see accounts that teach people how to be elegant. I've watched a few of the videos and I have concluded that I am very not the right target audience.
They offer tips like, "Dress your babies in white or neutral clothing to give an elegant look." and "Never take your babies out of the house in sleepers."
They're usually wearing dresses with heels, their hair is perfect, their homes look gorgeous, and overall, they are living a life that is aesthetic in every way that mine is not.
Also: they speak in understated tones, with calm facial expressions and man, that is just not how I roll.
I am never gonna be elegant; it costs too much money, and also I do not have a classy-enough personality.
One more thing: there seems to be a subset of these creators who seem to think elegance = womanliness/femininity.
But I think it's more accurate to say elegance = wealth. Historically*, being able to wear fancy shoes with perfect hair on the daily would have only been available to people who had the luxury of not having to do dirty work.
Like, farming. Or working in a factory.
*Actual historians among us, please correct me if I'm wrong.
Some random book reviews
Note: these are VERY OBVIOUSLY from my draft folder because I do not read anything besides nursing books right now. Soon, soon I will!
Slow Productivity
I picked up a copy of Cal Newport's book from the library. It's a pretty quick read, aimed toward knowledge workers.
Bedside nursing is decidedly NOT knowledge work, so this book was pretty irrelevant to my future career plans.
Blogging is a kind of knowledge work, but even so, I found the book rather irrelevant. For most of my blogging career, I was also raising/homeschooling my kids. And more recently, I've been balancing blogging with being a full-time college student. So I have never really been a full-time knowledge worker with the kind of control over my days that he assumes.
In Newport's previous books (Digital Minimalism and Deep Work), my main beef has been that his ideas are generally only applicable to someone who is not a primary caregiver. He does try to give a nod to that in this book, so I applaud the effort.
But...I still didn't think he provided satisfactory answers about how his ideas could work for someone responsible for kids or is any type of primary caregiver.
If you could merge Cal Newport and a seasoned mom, THEN you might have something helpful. 😉
The Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory
I don't remember where I heard this book recommendation, but I picked it up from the library.
It's a carefully researched story of how the American evangelical church has become so tied up in politics and I found it an interesting, albeit sobering, read.
My favorite part was about Rachel Denhollander's work to fight the epidemic of sexual abuse coverup in churches. I wanted to cheer out loud as I read about her work. She's often viewed as a problem-causer, but I think this is such a misguided label. A person who shines light on abuse is never causing a problem...the problem was caused by the abuser.
So often in the evangelical world, efforts to expose abuse and bring accountability are met with a call for "unity". To that, Rachel says,
"Unity is a good thing. We are commanded to pursue it. But unity around the wrong thing is sin. And we want so badly to be unified that we get to a point where we excuse and enable sin."
(Denhollander, an attorney, was the first gymnast to publicly accuse Larry Nassar of abuse.)
Spaving
In a newsletter from Acorns, I learned about the term "spaving", a mixture of spending + saving.
Basically, it's when you spend to "save" or to get a better deal. You know how at Kohl's, they're always doing, "Buy one, get one 50% off" sales?
(Which is annoying because if I am buying a comforter, I most certainly do not need two of them! And that sort of sale only nets you a 25% discount on the original price of each item anyway.)
That's definitely a spaving example.
Or you could be spaving if you buy extra produce to get the better deal, even if you're not going to use all the produce.
Spending x-amount to get free shipping can be spaving too, but I take exception if I am close to the limit.
For example, say shipping is free with a $50 purchase.
If my cart is at $44, and shipping is $6, that means my total spend would be $50.
In a case like that, I will go browse the clearance section of the site, find something around the $7 mark (socks are a good bet for this!), add to my cart, and walk away having spent $50.
Then I've kept my spend at $50, but I've also gotten a bonus item instead of paying for shipping.
What are your thoughts on "spaving"?
Also, are any of you good at being elegant? I do think it's theoretically possible to be frugal and elegant!
To me elegant means graceful and sleek - nothing left to add or take away. So frugal can be elegant - when you are dressed up for symphony you are elegant.
I am never elegant - and dressing babies in neutrals? No fun and a pain to clean. I'll be happy to stay in my disheveled lane!
Good Morning! I first heard about spaving from Joshua Becker, and it struck a chord. Now that there are only two of us in our household, I was still doing the B2G3 deals, and had so much food in my pantry and freezer. I even said something to my husband about spaving, and just naming it helps me to restrain from buying too much. I think my main money saving strategy is to convince myself to buy less stuff!
Kristen, I have many socks from Land End now due to getting the free shipping. But I love a good soft pretty pair of socks.
The evangelical discussion struck a chord. I was fortunate to grow up in a church with loving families, we all played in each other's houses, our parents and friends supported each other, it truly was my extended family. We learned to back off from people who gave us the creeps, and were taught by this group of adults to listen to our gut. I noticed when I grew up that my parents stayed away from the "powerful" people in the church and made sure we had safe adults who supported us. I have not, as an adult, been able to find that same safe space. I miss going to church. A lot. But the churches where I live are either divisive or cliquey, and that makes me sad. My grown children refuse to go to church, because they don't see it as an inclusive and safe space either.
@MommaJo, I don't hesitate to go to customer service and tell them I live alone on a fixed income and in no way could eat up six packages of liverwurst at the special price. That's a real example from my local Kroger that frankly only a large liverwurst loving family could take advantage of. So many of these bargains are not really bargains for low, or fixed income people or small families. Anyway, management nearly always sells me one BOGO item at the sale price. A checker once told me that his manager told him to do this so as not to make the customer angry.
@Lynn D., Wow, I never would have thought to do that! Great job sticking up for yourself! 🙂
As a teenager, my mother often referred to me as elegant. Which was weird to me, because I was always in jeans and never wore lipstick. I think its because I was quiet, didn't fuss with my hair a lot, just left it long, straight, and brushed or pulled back,(hated curling irons or hair spray), wear simple jewelry, and wear very little color, just navy blue, grey, white and tan. I still do that, mostly because I hate making decisions on what to wear!
Of course, it was only my mother who called me elegant! And my babies ran around in only diapers in the summer. 😉
There is no way I could be elegant. What's more--- I don't want to be. Is this because I know I can't pull it off? Maybe, but that was so far in the past that I'm not sure.
I join MommaJo with the Land's End sock drawer. I only like to spend to save if what I am buying more of is something I need or will need. I have no problem with buying underwear that I do not currently need because I will always need it. Unless it's the end of my life; then my kids will clean out the closet and wonder, "Why does mom have 2 brand new, unopened packs of underwear stashed away?!"
@Jody S., my kids already know! They get new socks, underwear & slippers/pajamas every year (even as adults).
@Jody S., that made me laugh out loud. I also think about what my kids are going to say when they clean out my house someday. 🙂
I would most certainly consider you elegant, Kristen! Elegance comes honestly and naturally, not commercially; it sounds like the influencers you sampled only focus on the latter. I've had the good fortune of knowing naturally elegant people of all shapes, sizes, and social strata. One of the most memorable among them did/does things like bicycle across the U.S. with only a backpack and a few hundred dollars to their name, followed by working on an organic farm in Hawaii for several years. They didn't come from money and seldom had any, but being in this friend's presence was like meditating--you just felt so at ease--and they exuded elegance no matter how plain or worn their clothing.
In fact, if you've some time to watch "The Razor's Edge" with Gene Tierney and Tyrone Power, it's about this very thing! The superficial vs. something more.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_m4YKnWjdg
Kristen, there is more than one way to define “class,” and you have it in spades.
True family story (and one of our favorites!) about how the word “elegant” saved our daughter’s First Holy Communion: Our daughter has always been what used to be called a “tom boy” when I was young. She loved sports, wore her brother’s hand-me-downs by choice and never owned a doll. This is the kid who insisted on playing on the boy’s baseball team because the girls were only concerned about the color of their gloves. The word “elegant” was not in her vocabulary. When she found out she needed to wear a dress for her First Communion, she had a meltdown of epic proportions. (Being a “tom boy” myself, I understood her angst completely.) Note that girls’ dresses for their First Communion are always white and, generally, pretty fancy. My husband and I explained that the First Communion dress was non-negotiable, but the choice of which dress to wear was up to her. At that point, the word “elegant” saved the day. We suggested that she look for something simple, classic and elegant instead of the more typical “girly” or fancy First Communion dresses. Once she understood “elegant,” we shopped hard, and we found a dress that fit the bill – and her personality. Of course, she ditched the dress as soon as she could after the ceremony, but that word “elegant” is definitely what got us through the crisis.
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire, I hated having to wear a dress for first communion, too. There was no way those ruffles and lace were going to happen. Not exactly elegant, but my mom eventually found a sailer style dress that I was willing to wear. She bribed me with a really cool off-white trench with lots of great, but subtle details. I wore that coat to church every week for years. It worth it to wear the dress for an hour!
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire,
why did she have to wear a dress, though? Why could a suitable jumpsuit or tailored pant suit not have done the job?
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire, I wanted the girly dress, but my mom never took my desires into account, so I was elegant at my first communion! I was so jealous of the other girls in their frothy get ups. 😉
@Caro, I grew up with very conservative religious relatives. (Not Catholic, so first communion was not a thing). In that time and place girls never wore pants in public, and certainly not to school or church. In my extended family that would have been a sin, not just inappropriate.
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire,
I'm glad you support your daughter!
Similarly, I found shopping for my wedding dress to be terribly intimidating. Those big piles of scratchy net and lace at the less expensive store were too much for me. I had to go to a more expensive store to find something simpler that suited me.
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire,
Wow! That's the best parenting story I've heard in a long time. You sure knew how to handle the situation. And I bet your tomboy was beautiful and elegant in her not-so-fussy/girly/fancy white dress.
@Heidi Louise, I feel fortunate that my mom sewed and I got exactly what I wanted in a wedding dress. We picked out the pattern, and material together.
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire, I had the same problem with picking a white dress for my Episcopalian confirmation at age 11 that you and your daughter did with her First Communion dress. Fortunately, my sainted mother was in tune with my preferences, and we were able to find a simple number at a reasonable price at our local Sears, Roebuck.
And I took simplicity even further at DH's and my courthouse wedding in autumn 1979: I wore a boys' brown tweed jacket bought on sale at a local menswear shop (yes, I *was* thinner then) with a lovely brown floral blouse and a plain brown wool skirt I found at the Salvation Army. DH wore a suit he already owned, and our parents bought us a corsage and a boutonniere, respectively. I still joke that we looked like typical candidates for a high school homecoming king and queen!
@Amy cheapohmom,
What a lovely memory!
@Mary ~ Reflections Around the Campfire,
A friend of mine just got married this past weekend - it was a very small wedding and reception, and she and her now-husband both come from large families, so I was not invited to attend (she expressed her heartfelt regrets in advance, not just to me, but to most of our mutual friends. I completely understand). Anyway, this friend has a very classic sense of style, so (of course) we all gently teased her that her dress would surely have lots of bows, lace, and frou frou. Fast forward to this past weekend, and the photos show her in a sleek, beautiful gown free of frou frou that completely suits her style. The first word I thought of was "elegant" (followed quickly by "she looks so beautiful").
@JenRR, I understand completely. Ruffles and lace - the bane of my childhood.
@Caro, in the Catholic religion, First Holy Communion is a major milestone. Tradition dictates formal, white, knee-length dresses for the girls and suits for the boys - all part of the pomp and circumstance.
@Ann on the farm, if we were making our First Communion together, I would have jealous of you!
@Heidi Louise, I'm sorry you had to spend more to get a dress you felt comfortable in, but you deserve a round of applause for following your heart!
@Fru-gal Lisa, she was, indeed, beautiful - and I trust she learned a lesson in the art of compromise.
@A. Marie, good for you (and your mom) for remaining true to yourself at such incredibly important and memorable events!
@Liz B., finding an elegant wedding dress is a wonderful achievement for those of us who are more comfortable with classic and conservative styles. I'll bet your friend felt as beautiful as she looked!
When I was on Instagram, I followed two elegance accounts because their reels were slow and calming rather than dopamine hits.
I like their reminders for table etiquette and manners. These are both areas where you’re strong, and I imagine you taught your children too. Me? My oldest refused to sit still ever. It’s wild to see her as an adult still and deep in Bible study. I am still amazed by the change.
And don’t forget… those “elegant” neutral toned outfits are always 100% cotton or linen with nary a wrinkle! LOL! I walked into a shop last summer while on vacation and everything in the whole shop was in shades of oatmeal, gray and black. Adult clothes, kids clothes, even the decor items! No happy colors. Obviously some people like that look, but I prefer some color.
Neutral clothing = boring to me!
@Sophie in Denmark, YES! I have a friend who only wears black, white, and various shades of beige. She has an entire vocabulary around beige: tan, fawn, camel, mushroom, taupe, oatmeal. . . NO, SHIRLEY, THEY ARE ALL BEIGE!! But she did teach me to not wear patterns around my face.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, sounds like me! My personal wardrobe goal is that I have a garanimals outfit everyday. 😀
Oh my gosh - you hit a chord with me. I mostly hate BOGO deals at Publix (which they are very proud of and boast of their weekly BOGO deals). More times than notI don’t need or want the BOGO - I only need one. I much prefer a “ two for $X where you get the discount even if you buy only one.
I too have been sucked in to buying more in order to get free shipping.
A friend, a new grandmother, used to send me the “ Sad Beige Clothing for Sad Beige Children” videos that feature somber looking children/toddlers dressed in shades of beige/ browns. It has a voiceover with a German accent. It’s sort of a parody, but also real. The beige aesthetic is a real trend. Gone are the primary colors, in are the “calm” colors.
https://www.tiktok.com/@sadbeige/video/7148088112902622507?lang=en
@Jean C,
@Jean C, oh my gosh, that was just weird. Maybe because I'm still in bed and haven't had my tea yet. Those are really real. I wonder if those poor kids are going to be in therapy for years. I am a teacher trying to imagine them on a play ground... I think they may somehow related to Wendy on the (spelling will be wrong) Adams Family! That is so bizarrely funny. Thank you for the link.
@Jean C, Sometimes Publix will allow you to buy just one BOGO item for 1/2 price if you ask at the service desk.
@AZ Lynn,
Ha ha! I love the Wednesday Addams esthetic. (Meaning, the newer show on - I forget which streaming service it's on). I don't dress that way myself, though! I love my riot of color sari skirts.
And yes - babies and little kids (and big kids, too!) should know the joy of color. Once they can choose on their own, if they want to go beige, more power to them.
@Bee, I find most stores do this if you ask.
Kristen, you've given me one more reason (among the 287 or so I already have) to avoid social media: People who define "elegance" as narrowly as you describe are not in the same universe I inhabit! At my age, and with hobbies including cooking, gardening, and bottlepicking, I parted company with things like stain-revealing light neutral colors and perfect grooming a long time ago. 😀 The only "elegance" I aspire to nowadays is elegance of language.
As for "spaving," I've done my share of that in the past, but am trying to avoid it now. As a single woman, I simply don't need large quantities of a lot of things any more.
@A. Marie, I’m with you 100% on yet another reason to avoid social media. (This blog doesn’t count, so there.)
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, by "social media," I mean the usual offenders (FB, X, Instagram, Pinterest, etc.). I agree that this blog isn't "social media"; it's a safe space.
@A. Marie, I always wear shirts with a floral pattern just because a small, busy, somewhat random pattern hides stains and any tiny mends from holes poked by my sweet but bodacious cat or some thorny shrub I was pruning. I get a lot of compliments on the pretty flowers, but it's totally camouflage.
@A. Marie,
I don't necessarily avoid social media, but I guess my Influencer Radar is tuned up to 11. I sometimes watch reels of thrift shopper/resellers, and some of the ugly stuff they think is "stunning" or "adorable" just makes me scratch my head. Sorry, I had enough of the goose decor and "welcome friends" back in the 80s and 90s. 🙂 Other stuff just slides right by me....I don't care if some new facial cleanser is all the rage, or a certain brand of clothing is hot.
@A. Marie, I spaved at Penzey’s last week. Bought 2 bags of crystalized ginger bits instead of one (years’ supply of ginger but they’ll be happy in the freezer till I get to them), a bag of Brady Street Cheese Sprinkle, and a carefully-selected jar - Bold Taco Seasoning - to get the free box of spices and free shipping.
@A. Marie, “The only elegance I aspire to nowadays is elegance of language.” —What an absolutely beautiful and refreshing way to define the concept! It also reclaims “elegance” as intellectual instead as aesthetic. (And therefore offers the added advantage of undermining the broader goals of the elegance/tradwife movement.)
@Ruby, I wear color and pattern because I like it and it makes me happy; and because I am such a clutz. So the color and pattern are also to cover all my food spills.
I am the WORST at elegant. I like cotton and linen and no fussiness to my laundry.
Babies in sleepers look comfy cozy and warm, especially in winter.
Pharmacology sounds intense. Sending you positive thoughts.
Hmm, yeah, I disagree with their view of elegance. It's not about forcing anyone to maintain a certain standard appearance. To me, there's an internal aspect to it; not just what you put on. Like how there can be elegance in a complex mathematical equation - meaning there's a fitness and beauty to the solution.
So in terms of clothing, since that's what they're focusing on - there's a quality of the person being comfortable enough in their (skin and) clothes, so they really don't pay all this attention to them. In practice, it's much simpler, and offers more variety. It's just a simple, relatively timeless style (meaning not fussy or extreme or dictated) that's a good fit for whatever individual is wearing it. It can - and should - vary. In my world, you can wear a magenta t-shirt with your jeans, and be elegant.
Kristen, you are definitely elegant!
Your elegance comment reminded me of the song from Hello, Dolly! lol Like the others said, I think there is more than one way to be elegant. And it changes over time with the fashions!
Lol, we were "elegant" for a fundraising event last Saturday. I wore a full length, sparkly dress, high heels, and a full face of make-up. DH wore his best suit. We looked very elegant together, if I do say so myself.
However, it was all a [frugal] facade.
DH's suit and shirt are a dozen years old. His tie, which coordinated with my dress, was thrifted and already in his closet. I wore a full-length gown, chosen to hide the surgical support stockings I must wear. I also made sure to select a dress that matched shoes I already owned. I said "select" because I didn't actually purchase a dress, I rented one. At the end of the lovely evening, I washed off the make-up, put my old shoes back in the original box (which still has the sale price tag on it), and popped the dress back into the prepaid shipping bag. Total expenditure: $50. I figure the less we spend on attire, the more we can give to the cause.
The next day, we happily went back to prepping for the camping trip that begins today.
Kristin, you are elegant on the inside, which is not a carefully constructed facade, it's real. Thank you for being who you are.
@Dicey,
You rocked that formal affair! And for only 50 bucks! You win the gold medal for elegant frugality today! Hope you took lots of pictures -- it sounds like you and hubby knocked their socks off!
On spaving: I too tend to look for something that meets the price difference between what I am ordering and the free shipping threshold. In fact, I have an Amazon wishlist named To Make Shipping and it's various bits and bobs that aren't time critical but I do use like hand lotion, small craft items, books I would like to give as gifts, etc. Like you, Kristen, I figure I can either pay shipping costs or I can add on an item I was most likely going to buy at some point anyway.
On elegance: the all white/neutral and perfectly put together concept of elegance totally disqualifies me from ever being elegant. I'm not a neutral person, even the walls in my house are not neutral colors (except for the mudroom and bathrooms which, for sake of ease and lack of interest in coming up with individual color schemes for them at the time, are all a tannish beige my second oldest son dubbed "Band-aid brown".) And white doesn't stay white but for a minute on a farm. However, I do most times manage to pull off poise no matter what deep or light colors are involved.
Also elegance in relation to wealth. Yes! The always clean never a smudge smear or blemish neutral elegance is definitely an affluent personification. Real people with real lives (and children and no servants!! ) do not have the time or solitude to be constantly clean, white and perfect.
When our boys were little we had lots of clothing passed to us from my sister, but when we did buy new we almost always went to the OshKosh B'Gosh store. They would always say "You saved $X today" and DH always would say "How much did I spend to save $x". He said it the other day talking about the same memory when we saw a sign in some store to save if you bought 3 of an item.
@Marlena, Grocery Outlet does this, too. I always cross my fingers that I have "saved" more than I spend. When I beat the total, I always exclaim, "I'm rich, I'm RICH! Of course it's mostly silliness, because I never would have paid "retail" at their "retail" prices. However, it makes everyone around me laugh, which is the real payoff.
@Marlena, My public library includes this on your receipt but can you imagine buying a new hardback of each book? I mean, this calendar year alone I’ve read 25 new books so far; I don’t count the rereads. Some were trivial, such as “Delicious in Dungeon” manga a nibling recommended; some quite substantial, such as “The Way Things Work.”
Ahhhh, the ''Pinterest moms''!
I don't envy them one bit. So FAKE.
I am NOT elegant. Way too real, blunt and unapologetic to be ''elegant''. I don't want to be like those women. Can you imagine always having to be 'on', always worrying about what other people think of you (and always judging them, too), always striving to look the part? Barf!!!
For the baby thing : My daughter didn't even own shoes until our wedding day (me and hubby). She was 7 months old, and a friend told me she ''needed'' shoes for the wedding. Why? She doesn't walk! So I got the shoes (for pictures I guess).
I am not trash, now. But elegant? Nope. And if this makes me not 'feminine'' enough? Oh well, I can live with that (a.k.a I don't care what people think)
As for the church thing I can't really speak on this from the religious side since I am not a religious person, but I'll say that I'm very happy the abuse is finally named! Good for this woman, and good for anyone that speaks up!
100% agree on the non-necessity of memorizing side effects; my son is doing pharmacology this semester with me quizzing him, and nearly every time he's asked for potential side effects he says, "Gonna go out on a limb here; GI distress." 99% of the time he's right!
I often take advantage of spaving deals if it makes sense to do. When a grocery or big box store offer $10 off of a purchase of $50, I will stock up on a few needed items to get the deal. However, when buying clothing or household items from a specialty retailer it is not always possible or it is complicated. The threshold for free shipping is usually high in those cases.
On the subject of elegance... I do not believe elegance is about wealth. It is something that is much more subtle. One can purchase clothes at thrift stores and still dress elegantly. Of course, the converse is also true too. Elegance is how one carries oneself, manners, speech, and how one interacts with others. I'm not sure it can be taught on social media.
As far as dressing children in white ... it is my experience that this is rarely a good idea except for pictures. Happy, curious children rarely stay clean for long.
Wishing all a great week!
@Bee, And the pictures are often much more interesting if the children are doing something and not necessarily looking at the camera! Children today never have backs or sides in photos; they are only looking straight on at their parents' cameras, and fake smiling. Candid photos of ordinary life are much better.
Babies should be dressed in cotton sleepers and onesies as much as possible for comfort and ease for parents. One of my favorite discoveries when my son was little was onesie extenders, a small knit patch that snapped on to extend the crotch of a onesie for another several months.
@Heidi Louise,
Your comments on photos remind me of my newspaper days.
We were told never to take "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" photos. What were those? When photographers "line 'em up against the wall and shoot 'em." In other words, don't take those posed photos aka "grip and grin" pictures (men shaking hands and smiling or presenting checks and smiling...if you've seen one photo like that, you've seen 'em all.)
Later, the non-negotiable photography rule was to take pictures of "real people, in real time, doing real things." Instead of taking a picture of them presenting the check or breaking ground or cutting ribbons, show someone actually doing the work or informally touring the place, and interacting with the regular people. Makes for more interesting shots that readers will enjoy more. Especially if the photos are of kids!
@Heidi Louise, some of my favorite photos are those that capture a special moment. Now that we have digital photography, we really can take candid shots easily. I took a photo of my 18 month old granddaughter daughter walking away from me dragging her Easter basket behind her, because it had gotten too heavy to carry. It's precious!
Hmmm…I’ve never equated ‘elegance’ with wealth. For me elegance is all about how you carry yourself and how you treat others. Some of the most elegant people I’ve known did not have wealth. As for ‘class’ - I’ve known people who have money but not a drop of ‘class’. Again, for me, class is how you carry yourself, how you respond to situations (good, bad or indifferent) and how you treat others. I don’t think I’ve seen a single person in Kristen’s commentariat that doesn’t have class & elegance.
@KtB, Fully agree with your last sentence. The people in this commentariat are an inspiration for their grace and kindness.
I always suspect that “elegant” influencers have a team of helpers behind the scenes, ironing the linen.
My mother loved dressing her children in neutral colors. In the 70s. I really stand out in class photos. In a sea of colorful polyester, I’m wearing brown cotton and wool.
I should read the book about the evangelical agenda. I didn’t grow up evangelical, but most of the neighbors fell into that category, and it’s frightening that the whole country might feel that oppression one day! It’s pretty ironic that, as a child, I always felt judged by the evangelical crowd.
@Ann on the farm, That elegance is definitely staged!
I don't see elegance as dependent on high income, I equate it with class, good taste (not fussy, overly trendy or gaudy in style) and good manners. Just the fact of dressing in light neutrals doesn't make one's attire elegant, but it can make one have a lot of laundry. (One can be elegant in red, for heaven's sake.)
Spaving! I hadn't heard that term before. Sometimes I just pass by the offer. Like Kristen said, if I don't need two of the items, what good is buy one get one 50% off? When ordering and contemplating the cost of shipping, if there is something I need and would probably order later anyway, I'll add it to the cart to get free shipping, but of course, the first thing I do is add up the price with shipping vs the price if I added something to the cart to get free shipping. If I can't find anything to add that won't have me actually spend more than I would by just paying for the shipping with my original order, I'll either pay for the shipping or cancel the purchase for now. Maybe I can find it somewhere else, or maybe I will get a free-shipping offering email, which I do sometimes, albeit rarely, after emptying and closing my cart.
I probably shouldn't even get started on some stores' practices of doing "buy one, get this much off the second" or "buy one get one free", but jacking up the normal price of the item/items you have to pay full price for.
@JD, your comment reminded me of an old friend (now deceased). She was poor as a church mouse when she left her lying , cheating husband and was responsible for a bunch of marital debt he had landed them in, without her knowledge. She was elegance personified and always classy. She taught me you didn’t have to have money to be elegant and have a nice (tiny) home. She swore by a capsule wardrobe (before it was a thing) that contained classic items in black, tan and cream colors. I first knew her when we lived in the same apartment complex. She bought the ugliest old car I had ever seen - all she could afford at the time. She was out there washing and waxing it on the weekends - wearing gloves for protection and because she had a break out of warts (from stress). She ended up buying a teeny tiny house ( we called it the doll house). She set about making it a cute, cozy and lovely home. This was before YouTube but she went to the library and learned how to do basic construction and repairs. She painted the kitchen cabinets, put on new hardware, painted inside and out, trash picked furniture and refinished it, rented a piece of equipment so she could re-tile her tiny kitchen, rented a ditch witch so she put in a fence and dug up orange tiger lilies that grow in ditches along rural roads so she would have plants in her landscape. On top of all that she was a fun and lovely person and a good friend. She was the best.
@JD, Agree on the BOGO "deals". Craft stores really seem to do this a lot and "mark down" their stuff by extraordinary percentages...but I always wonder how much they are marking up the "original" price before doing so.
I think the concept of "spaving" is definitely one that illustrates the old saying of "being poor costs you more" and how being more wealthy actually saves you money in being able to access better offers, credit, investment opportunities, better healthcare access that saves you money in the long-term and more reliable products that don't break down.
I have felt this in my own life as we have gained more wealth. For instance, my mother had to buy bad cars because she couldn't afford anything better, and these kept breaking down every year or so.
Recently, I was able to afford a credit card with a high annual fee, but this gave us access to a lot of perks and points that have already paid off the annual fee three times over.
As for elegance, people often call me elegant although my clothes are thrifted and I don't apply much makeup. I think it's just my European style in the U.S., which means that I don't wear athletic clothes unless I'm exercising, my clothes are not "slouchy", and I wear more accessories like a scarf. It sometimes makes me a bit self-conscious as being elegant is also code for being haughty. I don't like how it's weaponized to make women feel bad about themselves or to impose old-fashioned expectations on how we should shape our whole lives around it.
@Kristina M., I totally agree with your interpretation of spaving! I never heard the term but realized that's what I do when I acquire gas points at the grocery store. I stock up on groceries to get free gas, but as you so aptly pointed out, this wouldn't be an option for someone with low income or a tiny credit limit.
I associate elegance with poise and confidence and the ability to dress appropriately for the occasion and a kind personality.
As for "spaving" I shook my head because after work this morning, I needed to get milk for my chai latte at the store (HyVee) that a few months ago began making their own doughnuts again as opposed to having them delivered. The one that has old fashioned doughnuts priced at $1.96 apiece, but if you buy six...they are $9.00. And because of the way they are glazed, stay fresh for over a week.
@Chrissy, did you get the six doughnuts?? 🙂
My understanding of some of those “elegant” posts is that they’re satirical. I truly hope so as some of the ones I’ve seen are women scrubbing floors in heels and gowns!
If not satirical then just ludicrous
I’m not sure how either of us get these in our feed 😉
The influencers telling people how to be elegant aren’t elegant either. It’s a mirage for the camera.
@Meg in SoTx, should have clarified “elegant” as defined by the influencers. Kristen is the embodiment of true elegance.
While I can clean up with the best of them, I don't think anyone would ever describe me as "elegant"...my style is more "athleisure" -- I dress for comfort..LOL.
As for Spaving....one has to be careful, as you can end up spending more than planned...which i part of the marketing gimmick of it all - they want you to spend the full $50(or whatever amount) and get free shipping/discount and "think" you are getting a great deal. But, if you are just adding extra itemsto your cart to get the discount, its not saving, IMHO.
Like some others have commented, I try not to buy more than I can use - and our local grocer, Publix, runs many "BUY1/GET1, or BUY2, GET1" sales -- sometimes its just too much for me to have on hand. I know some Publix stores will give you a BOGO item for half off if only buying 1, but mine does not. So, if it's something that my household consumes / uses - we will get the BOGO, but if we can use it all up, its not worth it.
I am definitely not elegant. When I was working, I do have sort of a capsule clothing approach that I would deem "intentionally boring". I've been a woman in tech for 25+ years, so "intentionally boring" is a good way to roll. Dark washed jeans, a layered top depending on the weather, and a sweater. For shoes, either sandals, boots or Rothys/other flats. I prefer colors like black, navy, etc, but will occasionally mix it up a bit. I also have zero poker face, and my face usually has some expression, so not nailing that either. I wear sunblock & mascara on work days, so minimal makeup. Nope.
*definitely* have fallen into the spaving trap, and try to ensure I'm never spending money to "save", but it sometimes still happens!
@Hawaii Planner, how’s the job hunt going for you and your DH?
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, yes, I was hoping all their recent interviews went well!
These random posts are my favorite. I’ve never thought about elegance, probably won’t read either book, and have always made fun of “the more you spend, the more you save” but will do similar shopping calisthenics to avoid paying shipping.
Quick response in between work and household: I hear you on "I think it’s more accurate to say elegance = wealth" . It is easy for the entitled to pursue elegance and it is a pitfall for those with limited means to aspire to a lifestyle that requires objects and support that they cannot afford. By this I mean the money associated with elegant brands, and the support (helpers in house, garden and nursery) that enable you to keep up the outward tokens of elegance such as high heals, impeccable makeup and clothing, a house that is always in pristine state. I would feel enslaved if I had to pursue such a lifestyle to be validated. To me there is a vast difference between elegance and class - elegeance being for the outside world and class being concerned with manners, empathy and character.
I think spaving is an interesting concept!
The elegant ladies must be like those old sitcoms, ie "Leave It To Beaver" or "Dennis The Menace," where the moms/housewives vacuum cleaned wearing high heels, full-skirted dresses with pearls and perfectly coiffed hairdos. (Except on "Hazel," where they had the maid do it.) Never saw anyone IRL do that, not even in that era. They never got tired or said anything that was cross. And their homes, like their hairstyles, were immaculate and did not have a single thing out of place. Really? "The Twilight Zone" was more realistic than those shows!
There is a book called "Frugal Luxuries" by Tracey McBride that discusses elegant frugality. She gets real china from garage sales, estate sales, thrift stores, etc. and has elegant tea parties with her young daughters. You don't have to be in the Junior League or shop at Dillard's to do all this. (Twice, I've personally bought secondhand formals at consignment stores to attend ritzy social affairs and no one knew the difference. I paid under $50 each time and I was rubbing shoulders with the mayor's wife and doctors' wives and leading businesswomen who no doubt spent hundreds, and I had just as good a time as they did.)
As to Newport's book, sounds like he is just as "with it" as a lot of the books I was required to read in the teaching profession. Psychologists and administrators who had not been in a teaching role in many years, if at all, would say do this or do that, and we were required to use their method. Bottom line: it'd end up causing mayhem in the classroom. In one of my schools, we were trained to handle at-risk high school kids by watching videos of these Know-It-Alls using their Really Good Method (not!) on kindergartners. Yeah, that worked really well....the streetwise teens (or should I say "punks") would recite back to us the phrases we were taught to say. So stupid! The public has no idea what a lot of these teachers have to put up with!
All I'll say about the evangelicals is that I've left more than one church congregation/denomination due to clueless men trying to dictate to me how a woman should be, and they, too, are clueless/stupid/dictatorial. Reminds me of the male doctors who would tell me that my severe menstrual cramps were "all in my head." How would they know? They never had a period! Oh, and my "imaginary" cramps and symptoms were endometriosis and part of the reason I later had to have a hysterectomy.
I think spaving, at times, may be my downfall. Although there have been other times when I beat the system doing this.
Where do I start? I have a profession that encourages memorization of facts, but I found that top heavy. Although duringt the season I stop looking at my desk card, I no longer can tell you day one what the standard deduction and income levels for various tax bracketts are. I reserve that head space for facs about depreciation and Education Credit.
Spaving reminds me that there are usually 2 kinds of frugal blogs. People who save money by spending money and people who just save money. Altohugh I find both helpful I do compartmentize my spaving. For example if I need a new item, lets say a towel, I inspect the other like items to see if something needs replaced and used somewhere else. This year I got a $50 giftcard and needed new sheets, so I looked at all of the sheets in the home and found nother set in worse condition (Son) so I did take advantage of a sale with free shipping to buy them. I think I pay less then $20 OOP. But for the most part I no longer do the BOGO sales. Except TOPS and bacon at B2G3!
Lastly a a bad time in my mom's life we went to a scary Evangelical church. My mom's friend and my aunt invited her. We went for a little under 2 years when I was about 7-9. At the end she would not stay for church and we (my sister and brother and I) didn't know why. They kept trying to suck her back in and used a Christmas play to do it. She sewed just about every costume and after the play was over we stopped going. I know she took a stand after my SS teacher disappeared (My point of view,) got pregnant and left (My mom's.) The teacher was between 22 and 24 and had been engaged to a young man in our church. The bottom line is that her daughter's father was the lead pastor. I know now that whatever happened it broke that church, people took sides and left when the leadership wouldn't do anything about it. One side said it was rape the other said she took advantage of the 45 year old pastor. I am going to check out this book.
Personally I feel being elegant has much less to do with how you dress or being calm, and more to do with your personal deportment,speech/ words towards others, and actions.
You can have a beautifully dressed person who has crass words come out of their mouth, and actions that are…well, not mannerly ☺️
I have never been and never will be elegant. I don’t have the patience! I move to quickly! I am clumsy! I have tried and tried to be more calm and “elegant” but I just lose patience. 🙂 my dad would always call me “graceful” when I was a little girl but it was decidedly a joke, because I was generally falling when he’d say it. 🙂
I like your random thought posts!!
Keep up the good work! You’re almost there!
I think this is a pretty good definition of elegance, which doesn't include wealth at all. El·e·gance
/ˈeləɡəns/
noun
1.
the quality of being graceful and stylish in appearance or manner; style:
2.
the quality of being pleasingly ingenious and simple; neatness:
I have met people who may have three shirts and two pants, all old but clean and ironed, with an excellent attitude, manners, and great control over their behavior. The same goes for their children. Their homes are organized, neat, and clean.
I don't know about having your kids wear white/ light/ neutral colors, but I don't know either why one would wear PJs/ slippers, clothes with holes or rips, or athleisure clothes, or (unless you're on your way or getting out of the gym). The same goes for oversharing in both personal/ family information and clothes, cursing, etc.
"We tend to justify our most persistent habits"- James Clear
When I was a teen, my mom explained that it's not really a deal if you spent more money than you would have. That stuck with me! The other thing I tell myself is this: the sales taxes in Ontario are pretty high (13%,) so if something is buy-one-get-one-half-off, it's only a 25% discount, and the price is only going to be about 10% lower than the sticker price...times two, because I'm buying two of them. That usually cures me of wanting to spend the money.
Respectfully, I disagree with you on the value of learning about drugs.
Yes, there are computers. Tablets. Smart phones to look things up.
However, sometimes, for whatever reasons, WiFi isn't working. Computer network is down.
And then there is the issue of knowing what you are looking for if you are clueless as to the type/category of drug and the history of why certain drugs are prescribed over others. Not to mention a familiarity with drugs where you at least have some experiential knowledge.
I have seen hospitalists and others researching online. Hello. I can probably do it better and faster than some medical professionals.
Then there is the timing issue. Most are not looking up at their leisure but need info ASAP, sometimes in an emergency situation (I don't want anyone working in the ER to have to look up drugs!) when the person searching is already under pressure.
You need a checks and balance that should come from actual study and experience with drugs.
This is especially important for nurses because they, on more than one occasion, have questioned either a drug or a dosage or timing or all three of something prescribed by a doctor and ended up saving a patient from serious consequences.
Medical staff are already pressured with the demands on their time in hospitals, etc.
You are not necessarily saving time or getting better information if you are so unfamiliar that you have to look something up. It's one thing to go online to back up or fact check something, it's another entirely to be searching for something about which you know next to nothing.
Agree to disagree.
Elegant, No. Can look nice & be nice, yes. But I also have a problem with any piece of clothing that costs thousands of dollars (including wedding gowns) because that's just not realistic.
Spaving--spending more to save.
I'm with you on spending more to get free shipping, if I'm already paying that amount, but it needs to be something that I would normally buy (socks) or an upcoming gift I know I need to get.
As far as BOGO (% off) why not just do the % off one item? Yes I get the store is looking to sell more products, but (more) consumers are thinking more frugally/wisely with their limited resources. So unless it's something they usually use consumers are starting to pass on BOGO.
Chewy recently had spend $100 & get $30 gift card. Is that a good deal, yes but only if need something later (if gift card expires, which many now do have some kind of expiration date). I just got dog food at another store (which will get us through end of year) & had just gotten meds month before. Realistically I could get more meds, but then I really don't need anything for rescue dogs until next year. Will the free gift card still be good next year? Maybe? I got burned by gift cards not being honored during/after Covid (hundreds of dollars) & with companies closing up I try to be more in the moment with my money, especially if I'm already stocked up on things.
Hold it right there, sister! Likely you didn’t mean your comments about bedside nursing not being brain work the way it sounded to me, so please don’t take this as me flaming you - nothing could be further from the truth!! As a retired RN/CHPN, I just want to stand up for the profession of nursing. Nurses have come a long way in the last 50 years and have finally established credibility and equality as healthcare professionals in their own right. That degree means a great deal, as do the NCLEX exam and any other exams that you take (and re-take every 4 years…) in order to maintain your credentials. Nursing is heart work AND brain work, and fortunately there are enough specialty areas for one to find their niche on that continuum. I would argue that it is critical to start with a substantial and firm knowledge base, especially with all of those drug side effects and interactions. A day will come when you are assessing a patient, and you feel a little brain tickle that says ‘there’s something else going on here…’ and THAT is when all of that computerized info can be accessed to doublecheck your “gut.” But if you never feel that brain tickle, you can miss that chance to catch something critical. OK. Stepping off my soapbox now. You are going to be an AWESOME nurse because you will bring both heart AND brain to your patients! Now, go kill off those last exams so we can all celebrate with you!
The closest I ever got to elegant was needing a fancy outfit for a corporate Christmas party in the 1990s. Bought a gorgeous red I. Magnin silk dress for a dollar off the clearance rack at the consignment shop and had it cleaned at the five buck dry cleaner. Hemmed the sleeves myself. Wore it with my mother-in-law's rope of pearls and a pair of black patent heels from the consignment store -- $5 and the most comfortable heels ever, so I wore them for many years. So that was my $11 outfit!
The Cal Newport + mom combination is Laura Vanderkaam and everything she produces! Books, Podcast (Best of Both Worlds), newsletter, etc. I'm sure you already know this because I'm fairly confident I found you through her, but I'm putting this here for anyone else who likes reading about time management. She's the best.
Please know I'm saying this not to be "that person" LOL, but maybe because having a reason to study seemingly redundant information will help make it less painful! 😉 one of our friends is a nurse, and last year her whole hospital was attacked with a security breach, so they couldn't use computers and had to paper chart everything. So, maybe the program has you learn the side effects in case the hospital/where you end up has a similar situation.
I like vivid, saturated colors so am not even elegant adjacent. Give me an orange or yellow item over a white or beige one any day. I also talk loudly and gesticulate like a windmill going at full force, so no elegance there. Luckily, I never aspired to be elegant, so no great blow to my ego that I am not.
I read "The Kingdom, the Power and the Glory" too. I thought it was a really good book. I was prepared to be depressed by the subject matter but found it to be hopeful (or more hopeful than I expected).
I recently planned to buy a shirt that was $31. But there was a sale on this shirt where you got three of them for $11/each. Three shirts for $33 or one shirt for $31? Duh!
I’m still pondering the “is it a waste of time to learn the side effects of medications.” As a retired professor I am mindful that sometimes the things we do in higher education, and if truth be told, in education as a whole, are because that’s the way it’s always been done. Earlier, learning those side effects was necessary because a computer wasn’t always part of the landscape. Today, that’s different! However, maybe the test is still required for accreditation? Personally, I’ve found learning critical information in a way that has you personally construct meaning, that is, engage in the learning … not make up your own side effects, can make it easier to process later when you do have computer assistance. As someone who’s had medication side effects, I sometimes feel like I’ve had to be a strong self-advocate. It doesn’t seem to always be the first thing a medial provider considers. Just, my two cents! No shade on you, Kristen!
As for spaving, I’m likely to do that! However, I do have boundaries. The biggest one is at the grocery store where you have to buy 5 of something (at least it doesn’t have to be the same product) in order to get the sale price/discount. I only buy the things I really need or won’t expire if I stock up. I actually put those items in a different part of my cart so I can keep track. I’ll do the same with shipping costs although I do consider the cost of mileage and my time spent shopping. Sometimes, it’s just worth it to spend the shipping and not pay for another item, if you don’t need something. Sometimes, the cost of shipping just lets me say, “no, I don’t really need this.” I’ll look elsewhere. Just last week I was in Walgreens where I needed to get an OTC medications. Most of the OTC medications were marked buy one, get one 50% off. Since the original OTC medication was not inexpensive, I took the time to look around and found another OTC medication I use daily and got that. Plus, I had a “spend $30, get $7 reward money.” I consider that worth my time and the extra savings by spending more.
I’m definitely not elegant! You can dress me up, but you can’t take me out! But, there are levels of elegance. For example, I use cloth napkins most of the time, which I consider somewhat elegant. On those occasions when I get paper napkins, usually more that I need, I bring those home and they go into a plastic bag that holds the whole mis-matched menagerie to be pulled out when absolutely no level of elegance is required!
I haven't read that productivity book but highly recommend Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman, when you have time to read again!
Wishing you good luck on your exam, although I'm sure you don't need "luck". ;o)
I graduated from OT school in 1981, and when things come up--now 44 odd years later and an aging brain, there are still odd tidbits of knowledge that float to the surface of my mind. I'm thankful I worked hard to acquire the knowledge back then. I can look ANYTHING up, but sometimes having that knowledge hardwired in me helps me know WHEN to look and what to look for. So yes, we have resources at our fingertips for everything now, but that base of knowledge will serve you well. When you're dealing with a lot of patients, you may not have time to look up every medication in detail. But when you see something it may ring a bell as a potential adverse reaction to a drug they are taking and it will drive you to look it up and check. Knowledge is NEVER wasted.
As for elegance, there's a series on Apple TV right now called "Friends and Neighbors". It's about the wealthy "elegant" people, and what rings true is they are very unhappy and dissatisfied with their lives. I may be frumpy, but I have a lot of joy in my life. I'll take frumpy.
And P.S. You are ELEGANT, a classic beauty, and you make the most of your life. You be you, and be proud of who you are. That's a wonderful example to set for your daughters.
P.P.S. Imagine dressing your infant in all white--spit-up down the front, diaper blow-out up the back and down the legs. We make plans, G-d laughs. LOL!
Know these people who could walk through a coal cellar in a white suit looking perfekt? I`m the opposite. My clothes tend to wrinkle once I put them on, and staines may happen ...So yes, I wear a lot of black (fits next years black and can be redyed)
with some sparks of color. Since I love to walk and the inner city is cobblestone, I wear flat shoes. I am happy with that style and its really no fuss freeing feeling!
Having a really rough few days. Lost my kitty (18 years old) on Saturday, and every little thing is making me weepy (can't remember my PIN to cash a check, cue tears).
I've decided to control the things that I can control. A no spend, low-spend May will clean out my pantry, probably be healthier for me, and is something that I have control over. Using up what I have on hand!!
Also, I'm a slob. So I'm working hard on getting the house clean. and organized --which also gives me something to do other than spending money 🙂 And no spend low spend will stretch the gas as well (i now fill up every 2 weeks, I'm going to try to do 4 weeks
@Suellen Roley, So sorry you have lost your kitty. That is a long life!
@Suellen Roley, I'm so sorry about your cat!
Elegant.....I don't believe I qualify.
I agree with many commenters in here that my aspirations for elegance lean on the side of behaviors, not necessarily aesthetics. I do often ponder the value of aesthetics, though, and whether they are valuable for peace of mind. But that's more on the clutter-free environment front and less on the personal style front. Honestly I can't remember what any of my friends wear unless it's super practical (or impractical!), so I assume most people don't really notice what I wear either. Inside someone's house, I almost get suspicious when someone's home is overly decorated/staged as it feels very fake and wasteful.
Re: Cal Newport's books. I found Deep Work helpful in graduate school, and I do appreciate his push in the knowledge work field to minimize distractions and do "real work" vs constantly reacting to things and having no boundaries. However, I do agree with you that it is frustrating to read these books when you are the person largely responsible for the work of making a household run, and the author seems to have no inkling of what that involves. I've put down a lot of "productivity" books for that reason. On a slight tangent, I recently read "The Doctor's Wife" by Sawako Ariyoshi (NOT Daniel Hurst or Elizabeth Brundage...they could be good books, but I wouldn't know). Aside from the drama of the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, it brings up a lot of interesting points regarding accomplished people and who has made those accomplishments possible. At the end, it really makes you think about who should be getting the credit or if credit should be shared, as, oftentimes, high achievers have a lot of support personnel (spouses, parents, etc.) who were critical to their success.
My grandfather - a pharmacist when all pharmacists compounded most prescriptions - once failed a quiz in pharmacy school (Columbia!) even though he got 9/10 right. When asked, the teacher replied it was because Grandpa killed his patient. Grandpa’s protestations that he knew it was a dangerous drug and of course he’d’ve checked the reference were to no avail. Dead patient = failed quiz.
As a potential patient, I want my medical providers to have a sense of what dose is dangerous even if they also check the book for the specifics. Knowing that means you’re able to head off something that “just doesn’t seem right."
Those that have that much time to spend on what I call "looks" have the income to pay others to do the rote work in life (cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning et al - sometimes even clothes/accessory buying). Or they live with mom/dad or grandma and are trying to make living on Tik-Tok/Instagram.
Slow Productivity does not meet corporate america's requirements these days.
Up front I'd like to say that I'm intolerant of sexual abuse of any kind, and I don't know which evangelical group that book is aimed at. However, I read recently that the sexual abuse charges leveled against the Southern Baptist leadership was completely debunked after a thorough investigation by the DOJ. It had been the allegation of a former leader and was wildly wrong. https://protestia.com/2025/03/13/doj-closes-investigation-of-sexual-abuse-in-sbc-finding-nothing-but-a-cratering-russell-moore/
I'm as elegant as an rhino in a tutu. I consider it a win if I managed to dressed without ending up on the floor. Bonus points if everything matches!
Interesting social history, not just economic status. Women who could direct others to do the harder work—the milking, the mopping, the nursing, the laundry, the cooking—could afford not to wear utility boots, supportive girdles (hello, practical corsets), or clothes that couldn’t be washed. They are “elegant” in the sense of decorative, but they are not all idle. Many are the CEOs of the home. I worked too hard to be elegant in this sense, and hated working in offices where the women’s dress code made it appear we were just a lot of pretty females sitting around. That said, there is room for esthetic sensitivity in all positions. Elegance also includes reasonable care for grooming and cleanliness, in any style. The ad you saw seems to say elegant is when a lot of effort is made for appearances. A one time photo? Dress up the baby! But for most days? Anything clean is fine. And elegant, as appropriate for the moment…
I've never heard that term spaving but that's really interesting. I will do that sometimes when I want a grocery item and you have to buy five or whatever and I'll walk around and find things I need that I know I'll use. I've also done that to get free shipping if I knew I wanted an item and I would always find something else to make the minimum to get free shipping.
I immensely enjoyed “Slow productivity”! But I am also the target audience with my job. I agree with you though that the perspective of the caregiver isn’t strong. However, if both parents work in (knowledge) jobs, I don’t see why one should be primary anyway.
Re elegance, I’ve found it’s less about being rich than about using money “right”. I mean you have to have some discretionary money obviously. But high quality clothes (not many, just those who look very high quality) and jeweeey goes a long way. Same with a good hair cut and some expensive make up (like expensive foundation but all other parts are cheap). Elegance is also an attitude. Very rich people might be able to buy things but it doesn’t always make them elegant.
About the caregiver; it's mostly that his writing seems to assume that the caregiving is done by SOMEONE other than the person reading the book.
As a mother of multiples, “spaving” can work well in certain situations. Like anything else, you have to do the math and see if it applies to you.