What if being kind to yourself actually works better?
For much of my life, I have spoken to myself like a drill sergeant.
"Work harder! You didn't do that right! Fix it! What is wrong with you? Why are you struggling? You're tired? That doesn't matter!"
I suppose the drill sergeant method has its place in the world. Like, in military boot camps.
However, I have not found it to be particularly great in my own head. It does make me keep going, and it can make me turn out prodigious amounts of work. But it also has some serious downsides, such as...exhaustion and feeling beaten-down and insufficient as a person.
A kind voice trial
I don't think going into drill sergeant mode is the only way to get things done. In my work at the hospital, I do not operate as a drill sergeant, and yet, I do manage to be effective. I lead with kindness and compassion, and I express empathy, and that combo often leads to willing cooperation from the patient.
I also have noticed that this is helpful inside my own head. One night shift, about a year ago, I was having a trying time because my patient assignment included some very confused patients, self-removal of tubes (!!), and a patient getting out of bed despite being put in four-point soft restraints (for safety).
I was walking down the hall toward the room for the millionth time, on the verge of tears, and I realized I wasn't being very nice to myself in my head about this. The sound in my brain was something like, "What's wrong with you? Why are you about to cry over this? People do this work all the time! Stop being such a baby."
So, I switched it up, and I told myself, "I am dealing with a really challenging situation, and even though I am very tired, I am doing a good job of being kind and patient."
Somehow, that little switch instantly made me a little lighter on my feet. And, importantly, I felt more energized for the task ahead of me (which did involve sitting at the bedside for hours and having circular conversations about the fact that it was indeed nighttime, and nighttime is for sleeping, not for getting out of bed.)
Acknowledge instead of minimizing
I tend to beat myself up by minimizing the challenge I'm facing, so the antidote is the opposite: acknowledging that this is a lot.
For me, this is helpful because it legitimizes the struggle, burnout, or exhaustion I'm feeling. Then, instead of feeling like something is wrong with me, I feel like my struggling makes sense.
And once I stop beating myself up for struggling, I find I have more energy to deal with whatever the struggle is. As it turns out, beating myself up may be a wasteful use of precious energy. 😉
What if you used a kind voice about your finances?
I was thinking about this recently in terms of finances. If you have been beating yourself up about your financial situation, or your spending, and it hasn't been helping, what if you tried being kind to yourself?
What if you said to yourself, "I am facing a really big challenge, trying to make this amount of money cover all these expenses. Lots of people would find this hard, and I am no exception."
Then see how you feel. I'm guessing you might take a big breath and you might feel a little bit more at ease (and hopefully more up to the task!).
If you are feeling weary of packing lunches or making dinners, you could tell yourself, "Making this much food day in and day out is a lot! And I have been doing this for a long time. No wonder I feel tired of it sometimes." And that might be enough to get you out of a slump.
Your mileage may vary
I am nowhere near an expert on human psychology, and I acknowledge that there may be people out there who respond positively to an inner drill sergeant. So, if you've got one of those in your head and all is well, I am not saying you should change anything.
But if your drill sergeant is making you feel discouraged, exhausted, and insufficient, then maybe try on a kinder, gentler voice, and see what happens.
Love this ❤️
ooh i LOVE this post/concept Kristen (as a definite drill sergeant, ESP when stressed and overwhelmed). It's a beautiful reminder. The key is treating yourself with the same care as you treat others you love, I think!
I have a drill sargeant in my head, for sure.
I am 47 years old, and I don't know if it was the 1980s, or New England, or my working class parents, or my Catholic upbringing, or some combination of it all, but I heard a singular message when I was younger -- that the path to success (and security which meant happiness) was hard work, hard work, and more hard work. Suck it up, do it anyway, keep going, don't show any weakness.
I see things very differently now. And while I won't get into that all that, I am happy to see more approaches to - and acceptance in -- our world. Now there is more acknowledgment that we are all different, that we all experience challenges, that anxiety is real, and that harder/faster/more maybe doesn't work for all. There are so many ways to be. To get from A to Z. Or maybe you never get to Z and that's okay too.
I wish someone had told me this when I was younger. I wish someone had encouraged me to treat myself with kindness, grace, and love. I was so hard on myself for so many years and I did not, do not deserve it. I am trying to do this for my kids now and we often talk about being a friend to yourself first.
For at least my adult life (about as far back in my inner monologue as I can remember!), I have normally talked to myself in a positive way. I was actually in the military - I think speaking kindly to myself then was even more of a boon when others were not always speaking as kindly to me as it is a constant reminder that someone else's thoughts are their own and I can think of myself differently. I figured everyone's internal monologue was generally upbeat like mine until I had post partum depression and found out how much your own brain can lie to you and be mean to itself. Good on you for recognizing your thought patterns weren't working for you and making the big effort to change your thoughts; that can be so hard to implement, so congratulations to anyone trying this when it is not their nature!
I'm trying to do this as well, and really liked Sharon Izadi's The Kindness Method - along the same lines. I've beaten myself up for years over the same things that settled in childhood as so, so many of us do that it's nothing new, but trying to end the negative, hurtful thoughts. I'm on board with this kind of thinking!
This is such a wonderful and helpful post! Thank you so much. I'm dealing with a difficult relationship right now and I keep telling myself I should be more patient, kinder, etc. Turning it around and acknowledging that this is a tough situation and I'm doing the best I kind makes such a difference.
This post came at the right time for me, as I am facing some new challenges, and I have been feeling stressed. Remembering to be kind to myself is key.
I have never had a drill sergeant in my head, but I've had a few in my circle, and it's also good to remember that their thoughts are their own, and you don't have to take them as gospel.
I wish this could work for me, especially with my weight struggles, but I was raised in the era of drill sergeant parents and years of trying just can't remove that negative voice.
On a side note, your night experience reminded me of when I worked in a nursing home on night shift and a man got out of his restraints and jumped out a second floor window. I was working the first floor and saw him fly past the window. This was after they had closed a nearby mental hospital and sent the elderly patients to us. The nursing home was ill equipped to handle these folks.
I also have to remind myself that just because other people are going through harder things, my problems can still be hard for me. Yes, things could be worse. But it's ok to be overwhelmed by my own situation.
Also, it's so helpful to have a conversation where someone simply acknowledges the challenge rather than trying to fix it. Sometimes we need help fixing but sometimes we just need an empathetic ear. I try to remind myself of this before giving advice.
Everyone can use more kindness in their life. <3
I am a drill sargeant. Perhaps not surprising, given my father was a military officer. 🙂
I don't see it as a bad thing, though. It does pretty much work for me to just put my head down and power through. Although, I don't think my inner monologue is that negative. More just demanding. And I see it as a positive to be demanding of myself. And sometimes others. But demanding of achievable excellence, not of perfection. There is a difference.
So maybe that's not a drill sargeant? Not sure.
Yes, sometimes we just need someone to hear us and say: Yes, of course it's OK to feel this way and gently remind us that this, too, shall pass.
Today is not tomorrow and tomorrow is not the day after
Don't deny how you feel, but don't dwell on it and don't let your emotions rule your behavior.
What does it say about our society and how people parent that so many have these drill sargeants filling our heads 24/7?
I have been working very hard these last months recognizing voices that developed in my head as a child in response to fear and chaos. One of the voices is "You are not enough." As a result of this voice, I have automated a near crippling response of "If you are productive, you will be enough. Did you work hard enough today?"
As a result of these voices, I sit in judgement of myself often. When I am exhausted, drained or even just resting, I put myself through trial proving what I got "done" today. I suffer from scary depressions. You can imagine what this voice does to me when I am down. As you say in your article, these voices if anything are counterproductive in a given situation.
I have two ways to challenge these voices that have been very helpful.
1. Metacognitive Thinking: These negative voices have become a default in my brain. I practice noticing and manually overriding them. I started this technique with gratitude lists: I am thankful for the ability to pause when agitated and doubtful; I am thankful for friends and family I trust to recognize my stinking thinking; I remember I no longer regret the past nor am I beholden to the guilt it use to produce. These thoughts I earned through working the 12 steps of AA; careful therapy work; and acts of self care.
2. Redefining Productivity: One time I was in a AA meeting. A woman took a 3 year sobriety chip. After the meeting she came up to me and said thank you to me. She told me at her first meeting I went up to her, shook her hand and said, "Keep coming back." She said that made all the difference. At 62, I am beginning to realize that quiet activities and stillness can make all the difference - watching my husband build a fire, validating a friend, patience with people fumbling in a check out line, praying for a lost soul.
If I allow myself to be still and know I am enough, good things happen.
"I remember I no longer regret the past nor am I beholden to the guilt it used to produce."
This was a new way of thinking to me. Thank you!
And YES to the small things like welcoming the woman to keep coming back. We don't knowhow much those brief (and perhaps forgotten) interactions mean.
As someone caring for a parent with dementia, thank you for your kindness and patience with that patient!
The way we speak about ourselves and to ourselves matters.
Beating yourself up doesn't work for me and many others but so many continue to do this.
Your body doesn't need to hear all the negative, self-judgment stuff. You can acknowledge that areas of your life need work to improve and that sometimes quite frankly you are not up to it and must rest, relax and renew before you are fit to tackle tough stuff.
Give yourself the break you would give to someone you love who is beating themselves up. Self care is not indulgence or a reward.
Kristen, I could have written this post (if I had a blog 😅), including the overwhelming night shift assignment - I have shut myself in the utility room more than once to pull myself together.
I realized in therapy that I would NEVER speak to another human being the way I speak to myself. I learned about self compassion practices and how catch myself when my inner voice was mean. I would counter it by imagining what I would say to my young children if they came to me upset or sad or frightened. Kristin Neff is a professor of educational psychology out of UT Austin who teaches about self compassion practices; she is worth looking up if you struggle in this area or are looking for practices to help foster a kinder inner voice. Let’s aim to be as kind to ourselves as Kristen FG is to us 🙂
I swear you wrote this for me today. My credit card bill is astronomical because of a manic episode, and now I'm trying to figure out how to pay it down without working myself into the ground doing delivery gig work. I've been so hard on myself lately, and I really should be kinder.
I can tell other bipolar sufferers that it's okay, it's not their fault, it's a legitimate health issue, and when in the throes of a manic episode you can't always make yourself see reality. But I beat myself up over it when I have the out-of-control episodes.
Thank you for the reminder to speak more kindly to myself.
Before I go to sleep each night, I do a little review and ask myself, "Have you done something kind for a friend or stranger? Something kind for your family (of origin or of choice)? And have I been kind to myself?" A kindness may be a small thing like letting the person behind you in the checkout line go ahead of you, letting a car turn into your lane,returning a wayward grocery cart to the corral, or taking in the neighbor's garbage cans. Making a favorite dish for my family or running an errand for our daughter who has a demanding job. And being kind to myself can be as simple as being gentle and forgiving when I messed up.
I was introduced to the idea of an internal voice when I listened to the By The Book* podcast about this book: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter. (I didn't read the book, just listened to the podcast about it.) I realized I am very tolerant with myself but when I asked my husband did he ever talk to himself unkindly, he responded, "All the time". It was an eye-opener how different these conversations can be in another's head.
* By The Book podcast hosts Jolenta Greenberg and Kristen Meinzer. Don't know the episode number but it aired Jan 25, 2018. (Not to be confused with another podcast of the same name about the Bible.)
I don't have a drill sergeant as such but sometimes I don't think I'm as capable as others. What helps me is to think about what the barriers are in this situation, and then to break them down. What is preventing or challenging me from achieving/doing better at this issue? What advice would I give to someone else? I try and figure it out from there and I always ask for help if I need it (or for someone to let me vent!).