What if being kind to yourself actually works better?

For much of my life, I have spoken to myself like a drill sergeant.

"Work harder! You didn't do that right! Fix it! What is wrong with you? Why are you struggling? You're tired? That doesn't matter!"

I suppose the drill sergeant method has its place in the world. Like, in military boot camps.

However, I have not found it to be particularly great in my own head. It does make me keep going, and it can make me turn out prodigious amounts of work. But it also has some serious downsides, such as...exhaustion and feeling beaten-down and insufficient as a person.

A kind voice trial

I don't think going into drill sergeant mode is the only way to get things done. In my work at the hospital, I do not operate as a drill sergeant, and yet, I do manage to be effective. I lead with kindness and compassion, and I express empathy, and that combo often leads to willing cooperation from the patient.

I also have noticed that this is helpful inside my own head. One night shift, about a year ago, I was having a trying time because my patient assignment included some very confused patients, self-removal of tubes (!!), and a patient getting out of bed despite being put in four-point soft restraints (for safety).

I was walking down the hall toward the room for the millionth time, on the verge of tears, and I realized I wasn't being very nice to myself in my head about this. The sound in my brain was something like, "What's wrong with you? Why are you about to cry over this? People do this work all the time! Stop being such a baby."

So, I switched it up, and I told myself, "I am dealing with a really challenging situation, and even though I am very tired, I am doing a good job of being kind and patient."

Somehow, that little switch instantly made me a little lighter on my feet. And, importantly, I felt more energized for the task ahead of me (which did involve sitting at the bedside for hours and having circular conversations about the fact that it was indeed nighttime, and nighttime is for sleeping, not for getting out of bed.)

Acknowledge instead of minimizing

I tend to beat myself up by minimizing the challenge I'm facing, so the antidote is the opposite: acknowledging that this is a lot.

For me, this is helpful because it legitimizes the struggle, burnout, or exhaustion I'm feeling. Then, instead of feeling like something is wrong with me, I feel like my struggling makes sense.

And once I stop beating myself up for struggling, I find I have more energy to deal with whatever the struggle is. As it turns out, beating myself up may be a wasteful use of precious energy. 😉

What if you used a kind voice about your finances?

I was thinking about this recently in terms of finances. If you have been beating yourself up about your financial situation, or your spending, and it hasn't been helping, what if you tried being kind to yourself?

What if you said to yourself, "I am facing a really big challenge, trying to make this amount of money cover all these expenses. Lots of people would find this hard, and I am no exception."

Then see how you feel. I'm guessing you might take a big breath and you might feel a little bit more at ease (and hopefully more up to the task!).

If you are feeling weary of packing lunches or making dinners, you could tell yourself, "Making this much food day in and day out is a lot! And I have been doing this for a long time. No wonder I feel tired of it sometimes." And that might be enough to get you out of a slump.

Your mileage may vary

I am nowhere near an expert on human psychology, and I acknowledge that there may be people out there who respond positively to an inner drill sergeant. So, if you've got one of those in your head and all is well, I am not saying you should change anything.

But if your drill sergeant is making you feel discouraged, exhausted, and insufficient, then maybe try on a kinder, gentler voice, and see what happens.

Tell me about your experience! Do you have a drill sergeant in your head? And have you ever tried a kinder voice?