When frugality doesn't come naturally
A reader wrote to me, saying she would love to hear from readers who are not naturally frugal. Here's what she said:
I know that most, if not all, of your commenters are frugal and seem to have been so for a long time.
I, however, I am not in this category. Despite my parents' best efforts to make me into a saver, I have always been a spender. I really don't even want to know how MUCH I have spent in my 61 years-the thought of that number is terrifying, and there is definitely some shame attached! Although I always manage to pay my bills, I feel like I live on the edge all the time, especially since I had to retire early due to back problems.
What I am interested in is not really tips, but how and why people have embraced frugal living. Was it born out of necessity, or does it come naturally to them? Did they adopt it because of a specific financial setback/situation, or perhaps a goal they were trying to achieve? I would especially love to hear from readers to whom being frugal doesn't come naturally.
I think this is a lovely idea, and it is not a topic I can speak on since frugality seems to be kind of woven into my very DNA.
So, I will turn the metaphorical microphone over to my readers, but before I do, I wanted to talk about the shame you mentioned, and I wanted to point out that no one is naturally good at everything.
For every human, there are things that come easily, and there are things that are a struggle. As you know, I find it very easy to save money, and I need no help there.
To take it out of the financial realm, I am naturally very good at compromising, giving in, considering others, and figuring out ways to collaborate and cooperate. However, I find it extremely difficult to speak up, say no, use my voice, and cause a confrontation, even when it's very necessary. This means I've needed to work pretty hard on that, and still, my skills will probably never rival those of a natural-born bold and direct person.
Or when I think about school...it is so easy for me to write. English, spelling, grammar...those subjects were all a non-challenge for me. But math has never come easy, and that's ok. I have worked very hard on math for many years, especially due to homeschooling, but it's never going to be something I love or that feels easy.
(We can include chemistry here too, mmmkay?)
I guess my point is: you may struggle with saving money, but you are probably naturally good at many other things (like any human!) You're just a regular person, with a mixture of strengths and weaknesses, and thinking about it like that may take away some of the shame.
Shame is a very immobilizing kind of feeling, so it's both unpleasant and patently unhelpful. But if we can look at a deficit in our skills and say, "This thing is pretty hard for me, and that's ok. How am I gonna deal with this so I can do what I need to do?", then we are a little more inclined toward growth.
Paradoxically, being kind to ourselves can sometimes make it a little easier to work on our weak areas. 🙂
Now I'm gonna let my readers take over because they can be more helpful than me!
Readers: How did you come to frugality? Was it natural, or did you have to learn?
(I'm happy to hear from both crowds, but if you are a person who's had to learn frugality, your input would be extra helpful to this reader!)
I can relate to this person. I never want, or ever wanted, to spend money on things like designer clothes, makeup, jewellery etc (and as a side note, it's interesting that things aimed at women are generally seen as more frivolous than those aimed at men), but when I got my first 'real job' I enjoyed spending 'extra' money. I've got better at it but it's still something I have to push myself to do.
I think part of it is that my parents encouraged saving money but I wanted to spend on things I didn't always need. I don't mean to say that they never treated us or bought us fun stuff, because they did, but we rarely went to cafes or ordered takeout. It made good financial sense but I don't think I was naturally good at it. I don't always get thrilled at making the sensible choice. I also don't want to go too far in the other direction, like people I know who save things for the right moment but never use them (including but not limited to having gift vouchers which expire).
I think I've found more of a balance now - I pay money into a savings account specifically set up as an emergency fund and I usually give myself 48 hours to think about if I need something I want to buy online - but I still struggle with being sensible, which sometimes is the more boring decision, and living in late term capitalism. I just went away to Venice with my sister for a few days. I didn't 'need' to go on holiday but it really does feel worth it; I went to a beautiful city and made memories with my sister. I don't think I'd want to never do anything 'fun' because it's financially smarter, and am acutely aware of how lucky I am to make that choice.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I struggle with wanting to be financially wise and saving money for the future, while also wanting to live a meaningful life with experiences. Maybe it's good enough that I am aware of this - at the very least, it's a step in the right direction.
Although I like to save, I also like to spend. I am not sure that I am naturally frugal at all! What is helpful to me is to consider, what will give me most happiness: the impulse buy today or the long term goal later on.
Also, we are individuals but in a social eco system. Our spending patterns often date back to when we were kids and are also influenced by our present circles of friends and family. We can feel empowered or ashamed by their response to our spending or saving. Please have a look at yourself without any judgement. What does it mean to you, to spend x money on purchase y now? How does it make you feel, and why? For instance, if there is a lot of outside pressure to be always frugal, it can make you feel independent or even rebellious to spend money in a way that your social circle feels to be unnecessary or nonsense. It can be a statement of your individuality. Or, a purchase can make you feel "rich", and able of selfcare. Or perhaps you feel something entirely different. Can you identify how spending money makes you feel?
Once you have decided on what you would realistically need to save to live stress free, it can also be helpful to set up a structure that will support that goal. We have two bank accounts jointly (and a "spending account separately"). One bank account is for our mortgage and recurring energy/insurance/ tax expenses. One salary lands there and we do not have a payment card connected to it. Whatever is a surplus goes into a savings account. The other account is for our household/shopping expenses where the other salary goes. We have payment cards connected to that and we also save what is left. Our spending accounts (pocket money/clothes allowance) allow us to spend money individually on - whatever. If you have one income, you could split an amount for your fixed expenses that is off limits for variable purchases, and put that in a separate account.
Kristen, your comment on learning to say no also resonated with me. In groups I tend to follow along easily to avoid discussion, and although I bring forward what I think, and need, I will not insist on being heard (in groups particularly, 1-1 is different). In the past this would go on until I reached the point of no return and could no longer give in. I think this is what Grethen Rubin calls obliger rebellion. I have learned along the way that I need to speak up earlier and more clearly to avoid misunderstanding and conflict later on; this is till work in progress. Well, honi soit qui mal y pense as the English put it.
Your last point is interesting. Sometimes I go along with what others want to do because it's easier, but on the other hand, I have no problem doing things my way and questioning authority (which I think is a trait of being on the autism spectrum). I have learned to pick my moments with that!
Yes! I completely understand your last paragraph. For me, when I am starting to feel resentful, that's a sign for me to stop and think..."Hmm. Is there a place I should have said no, but didn't? Is there a place where I should have spoken up and didn't?"