When frugality doesn't come naturally
A reader wrote to me, saying she would love to hear from readers who are not naturally frugal. Here's what she said:
I know that most, if not all, of your commenters are frugal and seem to have been so for a long time.
I, however, I am not in this category. Despite my parents' best efforts to make me into a saver, I have always been a spender. I really don't even want to know how MUCH I have spent in my 61 years-the thought of that number is terrifying, and there is definitely some shame attached! Although I always manage to pay my bills, I feel like I live on the edge all the time, especially since I had to retire early due to back problems.
What I am interested in is not really tips, but how and why people have embraced frugal living. Was it born out of necessity, or does it come naturally to them? Did they adopt it because of a specific financial setback/situation, or perhaps a goal they were trying to achieve? I would especially love to hear from readers to whom being frugal doesn't come naturally.
I think this is a lovely idea, and it is not a topic I can speak on since frugality seems to be kind of woven into my very DNA.
So, I will turn the metaphorical microphone over to my readers, but before I do, I wanted to talk about the shame you mentioned, and I wanted to point out that no one is naturally good at everything.
For every human, there are things that come easily, and there are things that are a struggle. As you know, I find it very easy to save money, and I need no help there.
To take it out of the financial realm, I am naturally very good at compromising, giving in, considering others, and figuring out ways to collaborate and cooperate. However, I find it extremely difficult to speak up, say no, use my voice, and cause a confrontation, even when it's very necessary. This means I've needed to work pretty hard on that, and still, my skills will probably never rival those of a natural-born bold and direct person.
Or when I think about school...it is so easy for me to write. English, spelling, grammar...those subjects were all a non-challenge for me. But math has never come easy, and that's ok. I have worked very hard on math for many years, especially due to homeschooling, but it's never going to be something I love or that feels easy.
(We can include chemistry here too, mmmkay?)
I guess my point is: you may struggle with saving money, but you are probably naturally good at many other things (like any human!) You're just a regular person, with a mixture of strengths and weaknesses, and thinking about it like that may take away some of the shame.
Shame is a very immobilizing kind of feeling, so it's both unpleasant and patently unhelpful. But if we can look at a deficit in our skills and say, "This thing is pretty hard for me, and that's ok. How am I gonna deal with this so I can do what I need to do?", then we are a little more inclined toward growth.
Paradoxically, being kind to ourselves can sometimes make it a little easier to work on our weak areas. 🙂
Now I'm gonna let my readers take over because they can be more helpful than me!
Readers: How did you come to frugality? Was it natural, or did you have to learn?
(I'm happy to hear from both crowds, but if you are a person who's had to learn frugality, your input would be extra helpful to this reader!)
I can relate to this person. I never want, or ever wanted, to spend money on things like designer clothes, makeup, jewellery etc (and as a side note, it's interesting that things aimed at women are generally seen as more frivolous than those aimed at men), but when I got my first 'real job' I enjoyed spending 'extra' money. I've got better at it but it's still something I have to push myself to do.
I think part of it is that my parents encouraged saving money but I wanted to spend on things I didn't always need. I don't mean to say that they never treated us or bought us fun stuff, because they did, but we rarely went to cafes or ordered takeout. It made good financial sense but I don't think I was naturally good at it. I don't always get thrilled at making the sensible choice. I also don't want to go too far in the other direction, like people I know who save things for the right moment but never use them (including but not limited to having gift vouchers which expire).
I think I've found more of a balance now - I pay money into a savings account specifically set up as an emergency fund and I usually give myself 48 hours to think about if I need something I want to buy online - but I still struggle with being sensible, which sometimes is the more boring decision, and living in late term capitalism. I just went away to Venice with my sister for a few days. I didn't 'need' to go on holiday but it really does feel worth it; I went to a beautiful city and made memories with my sister. I don't think I'd want to never do anything 'fun' because it's financially smarter, and am acutely aware of how lucky I am to make that choice.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I struggle with wanting to be financially wise and saving money for the future, while also wanting to live a meaningful life with experiences. Maybe it's good enough that I am aware of this - at the very least, it's a step in the right direction.
Although I like to save, I also like to spend. I am not sure that I am naturally frugal at all! What is helpful to me is to consider, what will give me most happiness: the impulse buy today or the long term goal later on.
Also, we are individuals but in a social eco system. Our spending patterns often date back to when we were kids and are also influenced by our present circles of friends and family. We can feel empowered or ashamed by their response to our spending or saving. Please have a look at yourself without any judgement. What does it mean to you, to spend x money on purchase y now? How does it make you feel, and why? For instance, if there is a lot of outside pressure to be always frugal, it can make you feel independent or even rebellious to spend money in a way that your social circle feels to be unnecessary or nonsense. It can be a statement of your individuality. Or, a purchase can make you feel "rich", and able of selfcare. Or perhaps you feel something entirely different. Can you identify how spending money makes you feel?
Once you have decided on what you would realistically need to save to live stress free, it can also be helpful to set up a structure that will support that goal. We have two bank accounts jointly (and a "spending account separately"). One bank account is for our mortgage and recurring energy/insurance/ tax expenses. One salary lands there and we do not have a payment card connected to it. Whatever is a surplus goes into a savings account. The other account is for our household/shopping expenses where the other salary goes. We have payment cards connected to that and we also save what is left. Our spending accounts (pocket money/clothes allowance) allow us to spend money individually on - whatever. If you have one income, you could split an amount for your fixed expenses that is off limits for variable purchases, and put that in a separate account.
Kristen, your comment on learning to say no also resonated with me. In groups I tend to follow along easily to avoid discussion, and although I bring forward what I think, and need, I will not insist on being heard (in groups particularly, 1-1 is different). In the past this would go on until I reached the point of no return and could no longer give in. I think this is what Grethen Rubin calls obliger rebellion. I have learned along the way that I need to speak up earlier and more clearly to avoid misunderstanding and conflict later on; this is till work in progress. Well, honi soit qui mal y pense as the English put it.
Your last point is interesting. Sometimes I go along with what others want to do because it's easier, but on the other hand, I have no problem doing things my way and questioning authority (which I think is a trait of being on the autism spectrum). I have learned to pick my moments with that!
Yes! I completely understand your last paragraph. For me, when I am starting to feel resentful, that's a sign for me to stop and think..."Hmm. Is there a place I should have said no, but didn't? Is there a place where I should have spoken up and didn't?"
I also identify with Obliger Rebellion too. I go along with being overlooked in the service of getting along with the group and eventually become more upset than is warranted. Because people who are innately kind and go along with others to avoid conflict hold so much inside. Until it has to come out.
I think my natural tendency is to be a spender which got amplified when I was younger and my family had some tough financial times. We were never in "need" but I was in "want" of things that others had and I did not. As often happens, I married a saver, and that rubbed off on me which was good because we spent much of the first fourteen years of our marriage with one or the other of us in school. During the last two years of that time, my husband was busy as a seminarian and we had our first child which taught us both much about a limited budget which served us well as we made the transition to life serving the church. I still liked to spend, but learned to get those dopamine hits from a great deal. I also learned to appreciate great hand-me-downs and a five dollar donation shop chair that actually looked good in my living room. Now that our kids are grown and we are both retired, we find our selves with plenty, and no desire to shop. It feels like we are frugal by default now.
I am not frugal by nature, I was the youngest of 3 children and for my childhood and 20s, I just didn’t think about money. My mother was more than frugal, borderline cheap, and to me that yielded frustration and envy, rather than being an example to follow. I also don’t remember my parents or school ever teaching me about budgets.
When I got my first job, I bought whatever I wanted. I’ve never been an over-spender, but I just didn’t really track my expenses. It took me a couple of years to realize that I wasn’t putting any money into savings, and that this was important to me, as I didn’t want to have to rely on anyone else for money. At that point, I researched on the internet how to do a budget and save money, and I began to live frugally. I believe that’s when I began reading Kristen’s blog. More than 15years ago 🙂
This shift helped financially but also morally/emotionally, as I also realized at that point that I didn’t want to take part in over-consumerism, which was and is still the norm. So living frugally meant less frivolous/unnecessary expenses, which could be frustrating at times, but it also allowed me to feel more ‘aligned’ with my values, so in the end it wasn’t that hard to make the switch.
Now that I earn more money, I’m learning again to spend it on myself, and it’s become quite hard! I’m a freelancer now as well so there’s always some income uncertainty. I wouldn’t go back to my ‘careless’ years, and the anxiety of not knowing if I’m going to end the month without having saved money, though!
Yes! I agree with the part where you say frugality is more aligned with your values. I like NOT buying a lot of stuff that I don't need. The book "The Complete Tightwad Gazette" (although it's old) has been almost a bible to me, for my frugal, happy life.
Another excellent point! It's easier to not spend if you know why you want to make that choice, and know that it aligns with your values.
So, Reader, what are your values and how does being frugal support them?
I would also like to point out to The Reader that this is a tough crowd for you - you've chosen to join a group for something that's hard for you and in which you'll be surrounded by frugalistas. There's also a selection bias in play: I expect those who have to work harder at it might not comment as often as those for whom it's easier (or more practiced).
You should feel proud of yourself for doing this thing that's hard for you, and even prouder that you're speaking up about your challenges with it.
Have you read the Meet A Reader posts? This is one of the questions and there are a number of readers who talk about their struggles with frugality.
That is a true and truly kind comment WilliamB!
Agreed; it might be how I'd feel in a group of chemistry fans. Ha.
Frugality for me was out of necessity for MANY years. I also suffer from clinical generalized anxiety and having an emergency fund is central to my mental health.
Something I've been thinking about recently is how incredibly EASY it is to spend money these days. We live with cell phones on our persons and computers on our desks, and are bombarded with ads targeted specifically to us. Enticingly photographed goods are constantly before us. Social media depicts a vision of material luxury as normal. And any hour of the day or night, it is possible to purchase stuff.
At 75 I can remember a time before all this. If you wanted to buy something, you had to travel to where it was sold. You carried some form of money with you, usually cash, sometimes a checkbook. I remember getting my first credit card in the 70s (and having to fight to have my first name on it, not my husband's) - the first in my family.
I admit I'm in the naturally frugal camp. But I think anyone who finds frugality difficult can have some compassion towards themselves, because we are all immersed in this buy-buy-buy world that makes saving rather than spending so hard.
That's a really interesting point. As someone who came of age when Internet shopping was already established I hadn't thought of it like that. Thank you ❤️
I used to follow some "healthy living blogs" and lately I have realized that a lot of them have become pretty much ads, with their "Things I'm Loving Friday" themes, for example, full of Amazon affiliate links. Instagram has become like that as well. Everybody's trying to make money by getting other people to spend their money on things they don't necessarily need!
I am also not frugal by nature. We were hit very hard financially in 2008 and that sparked my frugal lifestyle. Never again did I want to not feel in control of my money. The humiliation of bankruptcy was the proverbial nail in my spending coffin. Nearly 20 years later we are in a solid financial position and are on track to retire comfortably. It’s been a bumpy ride emotionally.
You were not alone in 2008. There was a ripple effect - investment bankers losing jobs. Which in turn caused nannies, house cleaners, yard service, dog walkers etc losing their jobs when those who employed them took a financial hit.
We are still feeling the pinch of the loss of skilled trades as well as the knowledge that will never be passed down.
I would not use the verb humiliated when it comes to bankruptcy. Suze Orman has stated it can be the best option. I'm sure you weren't happy about it but long term it was the right decision.
Absolutely! Bankruptcy was my introduction to living with frugality and today, I am grateful for that. I am not naturally frugal but today I am aware of my choices. Need vs Want is a question I always ask myself when thinking about a purchase. And I still do not practice frugality to the extent that some folks here do -- shuffling credit cards for rewards and using apps to record receipts, etc. is just too much trouble. But I cook my own food, brew my own coffee, thrift my necessary purchases, and earn extra money with my skills. I so appreciate this blog!
I think I am both naturally frugal because of my upbringing in growing up with parents who budget well & are financially conscious, as well as my dad being very frugal & conscious of ways to save. He was the main cook/grocery shopper in my home and my mom was main shopper for major purchases. A lot of what friends consider frugality was just part of my day to day growing up and living in my household.
There was a lot of fix/reuse/repurpose mindset. We saved all the bags, washed ziplocks to use again. If a screw fell off something it was saved. We borrowed from neighbors and bartered for things. We foraged for apples and pears in summer. Compost is part of life, couponing, shopping store brand, making desserts instead of buying them, being an ingredient household, second hand clothing…list goes on. I would say I grew up with frugality and quality conscious.
However I also think a lot has been learned and proven to be useful over time for myself and much of frugality became a slow habit. I love food and that has always been my big spend area. Trying new ingredients and recipes, cooking for friends and family, sharing bounty. It had been easy to share without planning ahead on how to afford to share.
In my recent season post divorce, single income & qualifying as low income where I live it has made me WAY more conscious of my splurges, and how to shop for longevity with some sharing rather than just spending because it’s there and “in the budget”.
I much prefer habits to goals. I will not commit to an annual reading list or a saving challenge, but I definitely build in regular moments to read, to work out, to review my spending habits (hello 5 Frugal Things!), to eat my fruits, to practise my Spanish - and so on.
You need to know what works for you before you can do what works for you.
Dear Reader,
I love luxury. I have spent an incredible amount of money on clothing myself. Think Magnolia Pearl . I will every now and then take a spa day with a Glo 2 facial, massage and mani/pedi. In many cases, these have been the best solutions I could find for healing shame in body image for obesity and times when I could not dress myself with clothes that fit and/or was never taught to be a girl. ( I remember I got to college and boys were teasing me about plucking my eyebrows. The truth is I was to ashamed to really look in a mirror.) Dressing myself in nice clothes was a healing process.
So that took years of learning and mistakes and money. I don't count it as frugal failures. They were all part of the peace I now enjoy. During that process I made a game of hunting luxury at bargain rates. That was fun. I also saved in other areas that weren't so critical. I rarely eat out, spend almost nothing on makeup, don't drink alcohol, love back packing and outdoor experiences that are a lot cheaper than other types of hobbies. I also educated myself, took money directly out of a paycheck, and now retired with a pension and IRA. ( ie stuck out in some struggling years of teaching while those around me retired before they should have.)
So, my recommendation is take shame out of the equation as much as possible. I said, "Oh Well" and sold the Magnolia Pearl on consignment for 75% loss but used that sale money wisely. I still spend on some extravagances but not much because I am not being driven by old ghosts.
You are not behind. My mother spent lavishly as a result of active alcoholism. At 79 she got sober and asked my hubby and I for help. She has a nest egg and enough we think to see her to end of life. She is also a much happier person.
I don't know if I'm naturally frugal or not. I've been frugal out of necessity all my life, beginning with a childhood in a home where steady income did not happen (my father was an alcoholic), then through a financially devastating divorce, single motherhood, low-income jobs. I have never had it easy. So learning how to be frugal was a necessary path to a life that was steady and reliable, but not luxurious.
I will say, my sister, who has had pretty much the same life trajectory, is an extreme spender, always in financial trouble. She has said that spending makes her feel worthy. It is an emotional thing with her, that she seems to have no wish to conquer. So it's not just about life experience. I am probably wired differently.
To the reader I will say that frugal habits can indeed be hard to acquire. You're going against the grain of our society, and it can feel like deprivation. If you don't have a clear mission, that makes it harder. Why do you want to save and be frugal? You must have a reason. Concentrate on that and you will find a way. Many ways.
I also want to stress that the whole idea that a spendthrift life is better than a frugal life is off. When you're frugal, your life is simpler. You can concentrate on what your real values are, appreciate the little things, take pride in your little victories. There is a calmness that is priceless. It's definitely worth the effort!
I never comment. But frugality does not come easily to me. I am a spender spender spender. But my husband is very good about saving. But a couple years ago, I had to stop teaching because I became disabled. And the medical condition did not improve with medication like I thought it would. So we went for my two income house down to one income house. When I started looking at our finances, we had tons of money in our retirement accounts because my husband was so diligent and teachers automatically pay. But we didn’t have a lot of extra spending. I started with one area, the grocery bill. We were spending so much money and then going out to eat too. I said this is insane.
So I tried to cut it down like $100 a month for a few months.. And that worked through meal planning. We didn’t feel like we were giving up anything we just were buying what was on sale and planning that way. When we were both working, I didn’t plan. I also started making my husband‘s lunches and making him lots of biscuits for like three weeks in advance for breakfast. Meal planning was a super win for me.
But a year and a half ago I bought a budget planner that you have to physically write in. Even though I have used lots of apps the active physically writing just like keeping a checkbook provided a kinesthetics that technology did not. I still have everything digital using the app apps to track my expenses, but I transfer the information from the app into my budget planner. That way I can see where every dollar is going pretty much. We also rely on cash a lot more. Because I don’t like getting big credit card bills once a month. I make it my goal to do the budget three times a week so basically every other day. It never gets that far away from me then. Things that we love we don’t skip on, but things that we do not really care so much about, we think before we spend.
Since I’ve become disabled, I don’t drive. So not going in stores really helps. I got my groceries delivered from Walmart. That’s the cheapest hundred dollars. I spend a year because I save so much money not picking up random crap. I usually stick to my grocery list now. I buy same secondhand. And I found that I really love that. I also flip items periodically. I live in a rural area, so Buy Nothing, well, there’s not many people to participate. And since I’m really good with numbers, we have more money now than we did when I was working, which is pretty crazy. It’s amazing how much money you save not having to be beautiful every day.
And not working. I’m never keeping up with the Joneses. Actually I run from the Joneses pretty fast now. But avoiding situations where I would spend money really helps. And staying on top of writing in my budget planner also helps. But part of my illness is that I am bipolar so I get a ridiculous dopamine boost from spending. And I can always tell when my medication needs adjusting because I spend way too much money very fast. Spending is an addiction and sometimes we need help whether through therapy or medication. My husband is very stable and so it very much, so helps that he can be levelheaded when I start to fall off the wagon. He never gets upset, because I’m so on top of it that when I start to fall off we just know we need to fix it quickly. And I am quick to ask for help.
I have found, though that through the budget planner that I often get the same kind of dopamine rush seeing my money accumulate as I did spending it. Thanks for always writing sharing great articles and writing good blogs. Jennifer
Oompf, that sounds like a challenging situation! I am impressed that you managed to keep your life steady, both financially and healthwise. Even to the point of making the urge to overspend a "marker" that helps you manage your health.
I wonder if you have developed favourite alternatives to give yourself a dopamine shot? (for me: swimming and singing. not at the same time though)
Also, I’m not promoting medication, but it has been amazing. What the GLP ones have done to help me control my behavior. I’m taking them for weight loss, but they have cured me my spending, my skin picking, a lot of obsessing about stuff I can’t control. So I can tell you that they really work for me with addiction. Just as much as psychiatric drugs did for me when I started taking them 30 years ago. I still take them, but they’re not near as effective because my body is used to them . Thanks for your interest. Jennifer.
Absolutely. Yoga is amazing for me. And I love to walk/jog. And I have interest. I read voraciously. And I am a dog breeder. And my dogs are my kids literally. And I’ve had a used sewing machine sitting on the kitchen table for about two months that I keep thinking, I’m going to have hem pants with. And nothing makes me happier than a clean house.
What you have written, and the fact that you don't usually comment, means SO much to me. Thank you so, so much. I have Bi-Polar 2, and I have experienced that same thing with spending when I have a hypomanic episode.
Thank you again for everything you wrote. Even though we don't know each other, I am proud of you!!
Two things that have helped me:
1. Really honing in on my motivation for saving/not spending. If I have a goal in mind -- saving for a trip, building an emergency fund, etc. -- it's easier to weigh my spending choices against that goal and make the decision that will benefit me the most. I'm not depriving myself -- I'm making smart choices.
2. Taking advantage of automatic savings -- having money automatically shifted from my checking account to savings. When I was younger I had retirement savings automatically deducted from each paycheck.
I would also add that it is much better to take baby steps -- one frugal practice at a time instead of trying to do everything at once. Over the years I've built a lot of little frugal habits that add up, but I didn't start doing every one of them at once. So one month you focus on taking a hard look at your food spending. When you get to where you're comfortable with any cuts you make there, you might move on to finding free or cheap entertainment or cutting your energy usage or looking at a more frugal way to source clothing.
This is excellent advice!
It's easy to compare ourselves to others, but keep in mind that being frugal/good with money actually comes "easy" for some people. Yes, easy. I'm naturally frugal. I saw my (non-frugal) single mom struggle all her life and not being able to retire before the age of 71 and decided at a very early age that this would not be my life. I am not very interested with material stuff. I get a kick out of shopping on sale, going to thrift stores, putting money aside for retirement, etc. It is not hard for me, I'm wired that way.
I'm not saying this to toot my own horn but to make a point that not all frugal people are actively working hard at it, so there's no point to feel shame about "not being as good as others" with money.
Me, I look at how good are other people at taking care of themselves (exercice, food, sleep routine, etc) while this is such a struggle for me. Therefor I tend to believe everyone else is just working so hard at it and I'm not doing enough to be at the same level. So I'm failing somewhat when I compare myself to them. But, hey, probably a lot of them actually learned it by example when they were young and it's just ingrained now (not so hard or not a lot of efforts).
No point comparing ourselves 🙂
Yes, I am good at going outside of my comfort zone and trying new things because I don't know if I will get a chance in the future. However, my weakness is that I need to remember to save for the future, and Future Me will be pissed off with Current Me if I don't do that.
I guess you could say I grew up a spoiled brat. Not much love expressed but in college I had a credit card and a gas card. I also had a 1963 Plymouth Valliant that I paid for myself. ($75) Parents paid my credit cards. They also made me get a college loan which my dad paid off. Despite his second wife nagging him not too. My mom passed when I was a college junior. Money was never discussed in my home unless you count my dad yelling at my mom that she spent too much. I went to private schools my whole life. The first time I set foot in a public school was when I was looking for a pre-k for then 4 yr old Zozo.
My first job I hoped to get 10k a year. They offered me 9800. I did not know maybe I could have negotiated the $200. But when I retired 40 years later, I asked for a lump sum payment on my retirement. In the exit interview the rep said the company did not do that. I said too bad. One month later a lump sum payment was in my 401k.
I started investing when I started working and I did not want to live check to check, I read everything I could about investing. I watched Louis Rukeyser on PBS, Consuelo Mack and other financial shows. I still read a ton of financial books. Warren Buffett is my hero. He took over one of my train stocks as well as one of my home builder stocks.
I eat out a lot. To me restaurant food is much better than what I can cook. I am a dud in the kitchen. Except to clean it. But I bring it home. My 15yr old son and my hubby are real chefs. I can do omelets and scrambled eggs but I would rather wash a ton of dishes than plan one meal.
The Commentariat all do the best they can in their own way. And we do a great job of supporting each other. When I was younger, I spent most of my stock dividends on silly things. Now I live with 3 pack rats, having grown up with 2.
I feel bless to be part of this community. Please try not to feel shame. Just live your life as best you can following your heart.
I’m naturally frugal, but I’ve always lived in affluent neighborhoods where my frugality might be seen as cheapness. For this reason, I’ve come up with ways to frame my frugality as something other than cheapness. For example, all of my furniture is used because, “I prefer vintage.” I cook all of my meals from scratch and rarely eat out because, “I want to avoid ultra processed foods.” I don’t have an extensive wardrobe because, “Fast fashion is terrible for the environment and exploits workers.” I drive my sensible cars until they wear out because, “It helps reduce my carbon footprint since the manufacture and shipping of a new car is so environmentally damaging.”
You get the idea. I think you could try some of these reasons to encourage yourself to spend less. A lot of times, people spend more than they’d like to spend because they’re worried about what people think.
Lynn, I really like the way you have reframed your frugal choices - it's neat thinking of them in new ways! And I definitely know what you mean about living in a more affluent area (or having affluent friends/acquaintances) since I do too - so I think that's a clever way to phrase things to just help make it more comfortable in conversation. I'm gonna have to steal some of these ideas! 🙂
All these things are true!
Being single and childless, I know that no one is going to come to my rescue should I go broke. If that's not a motivator for being frugal, I don't know what is.
And it is fun to "beat the system" -- get ahead financially despite big corporations' attempt to get as much of my money as they possibly can.
One thing that might help is to not succumb to advertising. The so-called "father of advertising" once told businesses that in order to sell things, they needed to create a sense of inadequacy in the consumer., ie, they are horribly inferior because they aren't buying and using something. Such as, "if I don't wear the latest fashions, people will look down on me." Or "my teeth aren't white enough, they failed the issue test, so I need to buy whitening toothpaste." Or "the lady on TV says I smell bad so I need her whole body deodorant to smear all over myself." And so on and so on for many different products.
I remember when I was a teenager and Clairol hair dye advertised "is it true blondes have more fun?" Their commercial showed a "mousey brunette" girl unhappily wanting a boyfriend. The next scene in that TV commercial was the same girl, now sporting dyed blonde hair, smiling and walking hand in hand with a very handsome teenaged boy. Implying that blonde hair is more desirable. No telling how many boxes of dye were sold because of that commercial!
This is but one example of the psychological manipulation that advertisers employ in order to separate you from your money. Being aware of what they are doing may help you avoid that trap.
You may also find it helpful to watch shark tank. The various entrepreneurs, in making their pitches, will tell the millionaire investors something to the effect of "it costs a dollar fifty to make this product and I sell it for $29.99." I see that and it makes me angry that they all think it is OK to rip off consumers by charging such inflated prices. If they think I'm going to look for their overpriced gizmo in the stores and buy it, they are sadly mistaken. (I may, however, get a used one at Goodwill some day. But only if I need such an item.)
PS -- Even if you are not naturally frugal, you can learn this skill. I did!
If the reader wants to do a deep dive into frugality, there was mention of both the 5 frugal things on this blog and also of the Tightwad Gazette books.
The latter may be found online at Thrift Books or other virtual used bookstores; the best one to get is the Complete Tightwad Gazette final edition. If you're lucky maybe you can find it in PDF form. Amy Daczyczn, aka The Frugal Zealot, is the author. You know you're a Tightwad when you can spell her name!
I would also highly recommend "Your Playbook for Tough Times" Vols. 1 and 2 by Donna Freedman. Available on Amazon, kindle and as a PDF. The books are informative, lively and engaging and an enjoyable read IMO. Freedman has quit writing her blog but I think most, if not all, of her posts are still online. If you go to the following website, look to the right and the playbooks are advertised. Here is the site:
https://donnafreedman.com/category/blog/
Hope this helps!
Love this question.
Like your mom, my mother was very frugal and even managed to transform my dad from a spender into a saver. One of my mom's favorite saying was waste not, want not. Despite her best efforts after saving almost every penny from my first job to buy my mom's Toyota from her for about $2k, after I got the car I lived life to the fullest. Mainly on clothes and shoes. By my 3rd year in college I had racked up 20k in credit card debt and even the minimum monthly payments I could not afford. My credit score tanked and for about the next 10 years my dear dad had to cosign for things I needed like a car and school loans.
I say all this to say that now about 20 years removed I have adopted a lifestyle where I cut spending to the bone on things I could care less about like groceries, conveniences like house cleaners, and eating out. For example, the past 2 months I spent about 800 total on groceries and eating out for my family of 4. On things I love like my favorite coffee shop, nice clothes/bags/shoes, travel, things for my kids, I spend what I want without getting too crazy.
I am also lucky to have a husband that does well. Although our income could easily afford us all of life's conveniences, meals out, travel, shopping sprees etc., we choose to do things like clean our own house, make meals at home, give to others generously, and save/invest most our income because in most aspects we are minimalists by choice. Even so, because of my mother's influence, I still sometimes force myself to eat leftovers or avoid throwing food out because I hear her voice saying waste not want not.
I think that it's important for a non-frugal person to experience the benefits of frugality (reduced stress, money in the bank, tax bill paid, etc.). That can help encourage discipline, even if the person is never going to be naturally frugal.
My mom was raised affluently, my dad worked from a young age farming and working in the woods. Worked thru college, earned a double engineering degree. Mom SAH, taught us home economics, dad taught us farming and side hustles.
Us kids had to earn our herds (cattle, sheep and goats for me), pay for our hobbies and to save first. Saving was competitive. I learned early to volunteer time, not cash. I was 12 when I got my first full time summer job babysitting twin toddlers. I found a better paying job the next year working in farming. At 14, I got a better job working every weekend for a fancy grocery chain, that job took me thru my first college degree. My dad taught me to save 75% of my paycheck, I started my investment fund at 15.
My dad retired at age 46.
My husband and I started our companies and farm/ranch at ground zero, I taught him how to invest. We lived simply, opened our home to foster teens, we opened savings accounts for each child, invested their money every month and nurtured their natural gifts. A friend from rotary was the start of our foundation, he was a real estate tycoon, his sister was a foster teen and he liked my dream (I did a presentation). We now house over 150 foster kids who have aged out, we just broke ground on a condo complex. My husband and I started flipping houses during the 2008 housing crash. We specialized in executive home rentals. That morphed into high end full package rentals/temporary housing for TBE medical field. Full service homes with nanny, chef, housekeeping, landscaping and pet care services. That provided the seed money for the foundation.
I loved my job, but I needed to care for my mom. In one year we lost my dad, middle brother and my husband. We circled the wagons, consolidated and reimagined our goals and commitments. My mom has dementia, is a happy person and is fairly independent. We are still frugal, it is natural and I prefer a simple life. I was a passive aggressive as a youngster, but patient and foster advocacy turned me into an assertive person or as I like to call it "Momma Bear Mode".
I mean ... dang. Love this story.
I really enjoyed reading more of your story- thanks for sharing! You are amazing. And no doubt have such an impact on the lives of others!
I now work for myself and really don't want to go back to corporate work (especially not if it's not from home) but running small, solo "enterprises" can be very feast or famine so there's incentive now to be really mindful of my expenditure.
I always wanted to be better with money, I experienced some financial abuse and coercive control in a past relationship that both was a setback in my bank account but also in my money management skills and spending habits. Over time I realised that sometimes I'd feel I needed to spend whatever I had because I didn't know when/if I'd get it again so working on some of those underlying issues made things much easier.
I'm also finding the sheer audacity of modern corporations is making me want to spend less because so many places just aren't worthy of the money. I'm sure you know what I mean - the way things cost more, for less, or are designed to be replaced quicker. It makes me more inclined to prioritise expenditure and mend, make do or go without on principle.
And of course the lightened mental load of not being in a stressful job or toxic relationship, and actually having time freedom now also helps exponentially. It does take time and energy to be more frugally minded so having space to be able to make it a priority is probably the biggest contributing factor to it coming more naturally now.
I was raised to be frugal, but it never really took. I've tried for years; I can cut costs on groceries and bills, but the excess spending—the $5 here or $10 there- that's what is my downfall.
I'm 43 now, and I'm working hard on fixing this habit.
So the dear questioner is very much not alone. And Kristen, your blog has been such a source of inspiration. I may not comment often, but you've been a steady reassurance that I can do it too.
Hi Felicia,
I used to be the same!if you’re open to suggestions, what really helped me was 1) estimating from the top of my head how much I thought I was spending each month on these small expenses 2) tallying all these expenses by checking 3 months of bank statements and calculating the monthly average 3) realizing I spent 5+ times more than I thought and how much money went ‘down the drain’! A true reality check for me, I never looked back!
Some people use the cash method as well, like a monthly allowance you set for yourself and once it’s gone, you can’t spend on these little things.
I think I will try your idea of taking out physical cash for a fun money allowance! Thanks!
Kristen you have described me to a t . I am a middle child and have always just let people walk all over me for fear they won't like me. I was valedictorian of my high school, graduated summa from Duke Univ. and have another degree in horticulture just because I love plants. I am a member of Mensa, yet I can't speak up for myself. I have written a children's book (Molly the Mouse) but don't have the courage to get it published.
Now, back to the subject of frugality. I came from a very frugal family but not one ounce of it passed on to me. As an adult I have had to struggle , have always paid my bills on time, but didn't save very much, and used credit recklessly. In my 40's I married an extremely frugally man and I finally saw the value in making ours a frugal household. In addition, my mom had Alzheimers and spent $250,000 for nursing home care. When she passed, I was astounded at what was left in her accounts. I left my inheritance to my autistic grandson since DH and I agreed it was the right thing to do. So yes, I was able to change, and my life is much improved. Just remember "Yard by yard life is hard, inch by inch, life's a cinch"! Sorry for length of reply.
I can relate to so many of these stories! I'm commenting to share how I made frugal friends, because they are lifesaver. Even with a back injury, there are ways you can help in your community.
1. I love theater, but tickets were expensive in my single days, so I became a volunteer usher. Free shows and working with other like-minded people was a complete win. (It's since opened many other doors, but that's another story.)
2. I love to read, but couldn't afford my book habit. I started volunteering at the library. I am now the President of the Friends of the Library.
2a. I invented the Holiday Book Sale, where we only sold used books that could pass as new, so people could source gifts frugally.
2b. I love to do puzzles, so we added those to the Holiday Sale a few years ago. I thrift them, and people give them to me. I have more than I can possibly do myself, so I have a team of dedicated puzzlers. I lure them in by telling them they will never have to pay for a puzzle again. Once the puzzles are complete, I make the boxes look new, shrink wrap and price them. We sell them for $6-$8 and use the money to pay for programs and whatever the librarians need.
3. I began volunteering at a Thrift Shop near my house. It's been a game changer. Everyone is either frugal or environmentally conscious, or both. I have made so many good, frugal friends there! BTW, the dopamine hits from finding great deals, or scoring something that you were looking for, are endless!
3a. With the leftovers from the library sale, I started doing a pop-up holiday puzzle sale at the thrift store. Since it benefits the store (which, in turn, benefits a hospital), the manager gave me a store credit with which to purchase puzzles, so I no longer have to pay out of pocket. I also source them at GW on half price days. I love it when our thrift shop customers ask when the holiday puzzle sale will be!
In every volunteer activity, there are tasks available that will align with your skills and abilities. Find something matches your interests and figure out a way to help. Serving others fills your soul and costs almost nothing.
Having frugal friends is a huge game changer.
Bonus: DH and I took a free "How Our Town Works" class. At the end, we were invited to be on a list to volunteer at events throughout the year. Last year, we volunteered for "Trunk or Treat." We had a blast! Better still:
1.We were given so much candy, we didn't have to buy any to give to trick or treaters at our own door.
2. I was finally able to meet and recruit a Realtor I'd been chasing for years to participate in a Community-wide Food Drive that I run.
3. I met a woman giving away free books to kids. She now takes all the children's books that are left over from our library book sales.
4. We had so much fun, we're doing it again this year. I found a crazy homemade costume at "my" thrift shop. I paid for it with a gift certificate I'd won. It's so zany, and was made with so much love, I can't wait to wear it.
Finally, I am in your age bracket. My main motivation was primarily external, coming from having cancer in my very early twenties. For you to still be motivated to figure this out internally is admirable. It's never too late!
I really enjoyed reading everyone's answers and life experiences in response to this question. I would say that I am innately a frugal person but that over the years I started to experience lifestyle creep and at one point didn't know where my money was going. I started making a weekly practice of logging by hand in a notebook everything I spent that week and then putting the numbers into excel under categories (food, utilities, household, kids, personal, etc). The first year, I only tracked with no budget in mind. The second year, I looked at the numbers and decided what I wanted my budget to look like. I'm on my third year now, and this practice of noting everything I spent money on really makes me aware when I'm purchasing something and whether it fits in my budget/goals. Sometimes, knowing that I still have room in the budget helps me to spend (because I might not spend on myself otherwise) and sometimes seeing that I'm getting close to hitting the budgeted amount helps me put on the brakes on an unnecessary purchase. I think we all want to strike the right balance individually, and it helps to decide what your goals are for spending/not spending in a very concrete way. Like 'spend less' is not super helpful, but maybe 'save $100 on food this month' is a goal you can work toward. I do think spending some time just observing your current habits can be helpful, before you set any goals, because you don't know where the benchmark is currently.
I'm a born saver to a born saver/minimalist and a born spender who learned to be a saver. I will say that as I get older I focus less on the financial aspect of saving and more interest in creating less waste. Kristen's freezer challenge is a perfect example! I prefer to be at home, and like my simple life with my simple routine. That being said, we've been going through a family medical crisis for 6 months now and I just decided today to buy a lot of disposable products to ease my sanity during the season of life I'm in. I hate it, but I have to accept it. Hoping and praying for brighter days in the future.
I admit that I am a spender. A recovering spender. I have managed to live comfortably and carefully on a limited income for many years. There were three simple things: (1) You can't buy something with money you don't have. I cancelled all but one credit card and put my debit card in an ice tray in the freezer and spent only cash. (2) You must always save something, even if it's only a little. My goal was to put away 20% of everything that came in, but that was too high at first, so at the beginning I put away $1 and $5 bills and all my change (which was easy because I was paying for everything in cash). (3) You really have to wait 24 hours before you buy anything, I don't care what it is. Even that fancy cup of coffee. At first, I had to decide that I could live without something because spending on that something would mean that I couldn't pay my bills. Now it's easier, but I still occasionally think, "That coffee wasn't worth the $6 I just paid for it. It wasn't $6 good!"
I'm still not really a frugal person -- it's a process, after all. And there were some places I just had to totally avoid (and still do), like Target or Dollar Tree, where it's just too easy to buy $20 worth of candy (Dollar Tree) or $100 worth of junk I don't really need (Target!!!). My financial situation is much better now, fortunately, but I still have to really weigh the cost v benefit of a dinner out, for example, because I have to think that the food will be good enough to be "worth it."
Keep going!
My financial decisions are from being goal-oriented. By focusing on college, a car, a home, and retirement, managing money out of necessity. I have always been a natural at banking and investments. So it is how it played out for me. I retired at 65, but could have retired earlier.
Now that NCA and TFG have rubbed off on me, I am very frugal now because I want to be.
Oh, wow.....I think I grew into frugality from watching my mom handle money as a kid and teen. There were four of us kids, and both my mom and dad worked full-time, BUT my mom always wanted the newest/best thing, and never put limits on what she would spend on, let's say, back to school clothes for each of us. I remember her buying a Magna-Lite cooking pan set on impulse; did she need these? No. I have memories of my mom having multiple credit cards declined because they were all at their limit. My mom always said we were "poor", which we weren't by any stretch of the imagination - but my parents moved several times in pursuit of my dad's career, and always ended up selling their home when there was not much demand (i.e., sold a large home in California for $41,000 in the early 1970's, right before the West coast real estate market went sky high.) I saw and heard my mom and dad argue a LOT over money. In response to all this, I learned to save my allowance and babysitting money, shop carefully when I needed to buy something, look for bargains, etc.
Having said all of that - as a young person on my own, I was terrified of spending money. I was a single woman, not making a lot of money, and I had a lot of anxiety around money. Of course, everything was fine, but I look back and think "I should have travelled more" (because back then, it wasn't that expensive! and it was only me I had to pay for!), I shoulda/woulda/coulda......well. Being married with two incomes, I was able to relax some, but those frugal habits are still in use. DH has helped me figure out that spending money on experiences, and things that bring me joy, are 100% OKAY occasionally within our income and budget limits. He knows I would never spend hundreds of dollars on something without us discussing it - and even then, it would be something that usually sells for $1000 that I found for $300 that we *need*/use.
Everything is learned, to a degree. I follow frugal sites, because frugality is a little like a game to me. When I squeeze 2 or more meals out of cooking only once, I won. Frugality also makes me happier than spending money. I completely like having a solid savings account at all times. It reduces my stress level a great deal. As to whether I am good at it, well, sometimes yes, sometimes no. I do not "force" myself in this area. And I simply refuse to feel shame or guilt when I don't do what I think I should do. Life is all about balance, and that includes my own opinions about myself. Give yourself the same grace you give to others.
I don’t think I’m naturally frugal but neither my husband nor I are big spenders either. We have done pretty well to this point because our income has always exceeded our outgo – not from any frugal efforts, just from enjoying our work, being contented, and also being too busy to spend. A good example of the latter is that many people would have moved up in house when they had their third child so that each child would have his or her own room. We could have afforded to do so at the time, but we were honestly too busy to even think about house hunting, let alone packing. This paid off in a big way a couple of years later when my primary employer filed chapter 13 and went dark for a year. We certainly felt the loss of income, but it didn’t put us into debt. We still live in our modest first house; it will be our last house. And our boys don’t seem to have been scarred by sharing a bedroom until the elder went to college.
I read the Tightwad Gazette in the 90s and began beating myself up for not being as frugal as I could be. It was helpful to realize that frugality took time, and that I would rather spend my time doing something I enjoyed and was good at that also brought in money. It made no sense to cut back on teaching $60 (at the time; I charge more now) violin lessons in order to save $10 or $15 on groceries.
I take no credit for not being a spender in exactly the same way that I take no credit for not being an alcoholic or a gambling addict. Those are not temptations to me, and therefore it takes no virtue to resist them.
One thing I have found to be far more helpful than beating myself up is to remember that better is preferable to nothing. Is it cheaper to fully cook food at home than to buy prepared meals? Yes. Are prepared meals from the supermarket freezer cheaper than eating out? Also yes. So we cook when we can and eat prepared meals out of the freezer when we are busy, rather than our former practice of hitting up a drive-through on crunch days.
When I have a violin student who doesn’t practice enough, I don’t tell them that they need to be practicing an hour a day immediately. That just sets them up for failure. Instead, I suggest that for whatever length of time they’ve been practicing in a day, they add five minutes. And if that goes well, then the next week add another five minutes. I think you could do the same with frugality. Start out by adding one frugal strategy, no matter how small. When that gets comfortable, add one more. And so on.
You don’t need to match anyone else in frugality. You just need to do what is necessary in order to enjoy life within your means.
I really appreciated this part of your post: "I take no credit for not being a spender in exactly the same way that I take no credit for not being an alcoholic or a gambling addict. Those are not temptations to me, and therefore it takes no virtue to resist them."
I think this is really wise and I keep mulling over it. Thanks for articulating that.
I've been terrible with my money all my life (43 years), and I've always hated thinking about it. Hated planning budgets, put off opening my bank to see how much, constant guilt and avoidance. If I did something frugal I felt pleased and then immediately spent more.
This has been particularly difficult since my partner set up her own business and obviously isn't making good money yet. More and more evidence that my perfectly reasonable wage just wouldn't cut it as a single income due to my poor money management, and all the guilt and fear that this brings. And I could see that I was just going to run up more and more credit card debt covering the shortfall and that was just so scary. I didn't get very thorough money management modelled to me growing up, all very much about moving money around rather than looking at the spending.
But in the last 6 months it's completely changed because I started using the YNAB budgeting app. It tracks every single penny into mini categories, and you constantly update it to reflect how your month is going (so it's not about guessing right and sticking to it or failing, it's about constantly responding in real time to what your actual priorities are and making informed choices. It's basically the cash envelope budgeting method but much more intricate and with less admin. (It has a cost after the first 30 days but I'd easily made that back already).
I sound like I work for them (I don't, lol) but I cannot overstate the impact it's had. Now I actively look forward to opening it and seeing how my money is flowing! It is such an incredible weight lifted to feel positive rather than negative every time I think about money.
It definitely helps me to be frugal, but also to see the benefits of that frugality. So I'm not just saving a small sum on something, I can see that I've put that win against a future car payment so I can worry less about that. Or I can buy something less frugal but worthwhile with confidence knowing that other frugality has actually made that money available, rather than just guessing and getting it wrong like I used to.
Anyhow, I'm so grateful to it. And I love seeing everyone's tips on saving money so I can make choices on what I spend my money on, rather than it all just disappearing without any options!
Dear ones-I am this reader, and I am SO grateful for all the time you have taken to make these comments, and for all the wisdom and encouragement contained within them. And I am also grateful to Kristen for her kind words and for publishing my story/request. You all have given me HOPE, and that is no small thing.
Thank you SO very much!!
so glad that you have hope. thanks for posting. i think it brought out the best in the Commentariat.
I like to save money. When I was a kid, I saved quarters and placed them in a cardboard sheet with slots, and when it was full, I deposited the money in the bank. I loved seeing the balance in my savings account increase (back when we had the little savings book and the tellers typed in the book). I delivered the afternoon newspaper, too, for 6 years, plus I babysat. I still love to save money, and I max out my 403b and Roth IRA. I love to spend money on my sons. I love jewelry and designer purses, and while I won’t buy them for myself, I’ll choose what I like when my husband asks. I don’t spend money on eating out, but I buy good quality clothes. I like to travel, but I won’t pay to check a bag, and I buy the cheapest economy ticket. I believe I spend money on what matters to me. I watched my parents live paycheck to paycheck when I was growing up, and my love of saving money might stem from that. I feel ashamed asking my adult sons for money, even if it’s their share of the monthly phone bill!
Just a note to say how much I've enjoyed reading everyone's comments, from all points on the frugality continuum. My story is pretty well known from my "Meet a Reader" and other posts, so I didn't feel the need to repeat it. But it's been good to hear stories from all over the Commentariat.
I will be seventy years young in February. And I continuously learn about being frugal from the people on Kristen's site.
There's incredible advice and so many people with such unbelievable courage to face things that I've never had to go through. And I do mean little things that I have learned, like cutting the end off the toothpaste tube and getting to the rest of what's inside. I had never done that and now do it consistently. Opening paper towel and toilet paper wrappers in a certain way, so that you can use them as bags in your garbage cans. It is truly little things that you can do to be more frugal. There is nothing shameful about making changes, no matter your age to improve your circumstances, no matter how small they may be. Every time you do something frugal, very small or otherwise, think of it as a game changer in your own personal life and be proud of it. And know that for every frugal choice you make, somebody on this blog is cheering you on.
This is such a kind comment, Debra. Thank you for sharing.
I love this post and relate to so many of these comments. Money has always been tied up with emotions for me and I have a lot of shame around spending and saving. I struggle with similar mental health issues as others and find myself either saving due to anxiety of not having enough or caught in the consumerism trap that if I spend $$ on x,y, z I will finally be happy. Perhaps there could be a separate post on money and mental health?
Frugality started to come naturally when I truly had things that were more important to me than spending. IE: Not having to work. Or not having to work at a terrible job. I also do it because I love certain things and want my money to go to them and not to random nonsense. It's become a bit of a game and a tool to get me what and where I want to be. You have to be clear on what truly matters to you and focus on it. It's more of a positive then.
Ooh, such a thought-provoking post!
I think for me it varies. I'd say I am reasonably thrifty / frugal in some areas and had excellent role models in my parents who were both loving and generous AND knew how to make money stretch, both being war children and coming from backgrounds where that was a necessity for one reason or another. I am very grateful to have been given the tools to - for example - make extremely inexpensive meals that are very nice and decent quality, but one thing they never taught me was managing credit cards or how any of that stuff really works, how to invest etc. Thus, I am a bit... scared of it? Avoidant? They tended to pay cash for things, or use the credit card and then pay it off in full very shortly. Obviously, this is extremely good practice, but exactly how they made that happen was a mystery to me! I am learning though, and am all about the packed lunches, the thermos of coffee / refillable water bottle and husband is excellent at keeping on top of those little recurring expenses - like insurance for the car - and getting that allll the way down, so we make a good team. I've thought about how to have the things I genuinely want (highlights in my hair, for example) and then figured out the way to do it myself (yes, trial and, um, some error!) or where it's best to either not do / have something OR get it done properly by a professional.
After leaving home I lived frugally because I didn’t want the humiliation of asking my parents for money and my paycheck was small. Later, I had increasing goals that required substantial savings - a vacation, a car, a home, children’s college education.
I do think social media and societal pressures are stronger today, making it very easy to spend money quickly. It takes so much discipline not to spend money, and it can be spent so quickly.
I read a statistic today “eight in ten women over age 50 will end up managing their finances alone”. What a compelling reason to force yourself to have ownership and learn the tools.
I am late to this comment section! I was raised by a mom who was born at the beginning of the Great Depression. They were absolutely dirt poor. Through hard work, frugality, and careful saving, she died financially secure at 93. She ate from her garden, which gave her inexpensive and healthy food, as well as exercise. Drank water, not sodas. Watched every penny and carried no debt. Paid all her bills on time. Habits born of circumstance, and a silent and powerful lesson to her kids. I think I do OK, frugality-wise, but I also spend a lot. I am definitely not as disciplined as she was.
My grandma lived through the Great Depression and she too was very very frugal!