15 things that are better about my new house
To start off, I want to make something clear: I was unhappy about leaving my other house.
It was not what I wanted to do; I poured my heart and soul into making that house a home, I raised my children there, I homeschooled them there, I cooked thousands of meals there...no part of me wanted to leave.
On Mother's Day last year, when my family helped me do my big move, I threw my items into bins, barely able to see through my angry tears.
No matter how sure you are that this is the right decision, it is still a really, really, really hard thing to do.
A lot of you have wondered why I was the one that had to move, and I don't know what to say that is respectful and kind, so I'm just not gonna offer an explanation.
In short, I decided that it was not worth getting into a legal fight over, and I chose to go find somewhere else to rent.
(Don't worry; down the road, I will insist on splitting things evenly. I just did not think this, in particular, was worth the fight at the time.)
The point is: this move was an unfortunate one in many ways.
Despite that, there are a lot of things that I really, really love about my rental house, and since joy is multiplied when it's shared, I wanted to tell all of you.
I also wanted to share because it can be helpful to see other people blooming where they are planted, even if they didn't particularly want to be planted there.
You know how I always say that nothing is all good or all bad? Well, this is another case where that's true; there were a lot of hard circumstances around this move, but there is also a lot of good I can find here.
So, in no particular order, here are some things I love about my rental house!
1. There's a pantry
My other house did not have a pantry at all, which was kind of a bummer. But this house has a coat closet that's converted into a pantry, and I'm a fan.
I'd rather store food than coats, to be honest. 😉
2. My kitchen has so many cabinets!
My old kitchen was a little short on cabinets. Plus, since it didn't have a pantry, all my food had to also go in the cabinets.
But here, I have a lot of cabinet space PLUS the pantry.
I actually have some cabinets that are a little bit empty, which is a nice feeling!
3. I like the orientation of my closet
My old closet had two short closet rods in the side of the closet, running front to back. (I hope you can visualize that; it's hard to explain!)
My current closet has a more traditional setup and I do prefer that; it's so easy to see all my clothes now.
4. I love my living room built-ins + fireplace
I've never had built-in shelves or a fireplace before, and I love the look of these!
Also, I've never had a mantel before, and it was lovely to have a place to hang Christmas stockings (I've always hung them on railings in prior houses.)
The fireplace doesn't work, but I put some candles in there (from my Buy Nothing Group of course), and it looks cozy in the winter.
5. I have a carport
I have never had a garage or carport in my adult life, so this is a pretty fun upgrade!
Right now my carport is full of furniture that needs rehabbing, but I will eventually be able to park my car in there.
6. My in-shower window is practical and beautiful
I love the decorative glass block as a window option.
In my other house, we had an actual functional window, and while that's nice for airing out the bathroom, mainly it's a big headache for cleaning purposes.
A functional window has so many parts that can get dusty, slimy, or rusty in a shower.
Glass block for the win! I will totally do this if I ever remodel a windowed shower/tub in the future.
7. There's a big front window with a shelf
The house I grew up in had one of these, but none of my adult houses have until now.
I love the living room light this window provides, and I love that there is a shelf with room for plants.
8. There's a little bench by the front door
There's not a porch per se, but there is a little bench, and when the weather is nice, I like to sit out there and eat breakfast or lunch.
9. There's a hanging rod in the laundry room
I love, love, love this! There are a number of things I like to line-dry (to avoid shrinkage or wear) and having a rod makes it so easy to just hang those items up on hangers.
10. There are trails in the woods here
My old neighborhood had great roads for walking on, but only a very tiny trail through the woods down to the water:
There are way more trail possibilities here.
My other neighborhood did border a river, and my current one doesn't, but hey, you win some and you lose some. I will just focus on the nice wooded paths here!
11. I have a spot to hang my aprons
I never could find a good spot to hang my aprons at my last house, so they were always shoved in a drawer.
But here there are some hooks inside the pantry door, and they are perfect for my aprons.
12. My linen closet shelves are solid wood
I like this way better than the wire shelving I'm used to; the wire ones make it so hard to keep things standing upright! Wood shelves are superior.
13. My bedroom has south-facing windows
My old bedroom was downstairs, on the north side of the house, with small windows.
But my bedroom here has two full-size windows, upstairs, facing south.
This means my bedroom is so, so much sunnier than my old one, and that makes me happy.
Are the windows clouded up because of broken seals? Yup. But this room is still brighter than my old bedroom was.
And thanks to the light, my orange tree is over-wintering very nicely.
14. This house isn't a split-foyer
There are a lot of house designs that I like, such as ranch, colonial, cape cod, craftsman, or farmhouse.
In fact, just about the only one I dislike is....a split-foyer design. Which is what I lived in from 2005-2022!
Sooo, I am super happy to be enjoying a ranch-style house. Honestly, anything other than a split foyer would have felt like a fun and fresh change of pace.
15. There's a window by my kitchen sink
At my other house, there were just cabinets above the sink.
But at this house, there's a window above my sink, which means that I can look out at the backyard when I am washing dishes. I like that!
__________
Sometimes, I still struggle with sadness (ok, and anger) about having to leave my other house. When I have those feelings, I try to sit with them and just let them move through.
What also helps, though, is to keep my eyes on what I DO have here at my current house. Then I'm more likely to feel grateful and happy!
I think it will always be difficult to think about the home you left behind, it sounds like in retrospect it was a bittersweet experience. You have bloomed where you were planted and you are an inspiration to your readers and your children. It is nice to know you landed in a good housing situation. I also have gleaned from previous posts that you have some nice neighbors and and it seems like a nice setting with the backyard you have shown.
I wish you all the best in your new home, however long you live there.
I love to see that you're thriving in your new home! I hate to admit it, but I have been privately questioning why you had to move AND I totally respect your privacy and your wish to keep personal things personal. I admire your ability to stay kind and respectful despite how angry you must feel. That's not easy nor common in this day and age. Thank you for modeling such good behavior!
Also -- yay for empty drawers/cabinets in the kitchen. That would be a dream come true for me!
@Katie @ The Cozy Burrow, in a world of over sharing we sometimes forget that some things are none of our business. So yeah I admit to wondering about a lot as well.
I totally understand wondering! And honestly, prior to walking through this myself, I would possibly have had a judgy attitude toward the spouse who left.
But now I see that situations are filled with far more nuance than that, and that sometimes the person who walked out is merely making an already-broken marriage into a visibly-broken marriage.
And now that I understand the dynamics and patterns of this type of marriage, I see that it is extremely common for the person in my shoes to be the one who does the leaving. In my two support groups, almost every wife has the same story of being the one who had to leave the home in order to pursue a divorce.
@Katie @ The Cozy Burrow,
I also was forced to leave my marital home. It broke my heart to realize that the place I called my home was now merely a house.
I am currently staying with a friend who was gracious enough to take myself and my 3 children in. I have a job lined up and am hoping to get an apartment as soon as possible. In the meantime, I have a very supportive group of friends who have offered to house us while I get us on our feet again.
I know what Kristen is going through. It is a grief process. I get angry that he gets to stay. I get heartbroken over no longer having a safe haven. I also know that what I am doing is right but it still hurts.
@Ash,
I remember you posting earlier about your situation. I have been praying for you since then, and I am happy to hear that you have plans for the future. Please know that you are not alone!
I hope you receive this:
"Life's not this little bit of existence you're plodding through now, it's the whole thing, all that is. It's the breath of God, words that he spoke, a song, a stream of white light that goes back to him again. Life is good... Life is fine and grand, and we should love it to the depths of our souls.” E. Goudge
"He remembered, as he looked at the squares of moonlight lying on the floor, tthat pain is a thing that we must face and come to terms with if life is to be lived with dignity and not merely muddled through like an evil dream. In some vague way he had understood that dark things are necessary, without them the sliver moonlight would just stream away into nothingness, but with them it can be held and arranged into beautiful squares." E. Goudge
I think your new house is adorable. But I also understand how hard it would be to leave somewhere that I had poured myself into.
I really appreciate all your looking for joy, in the midst of hard things posts. You are right, a lot of things in life aren’t all good or all bad. And I’m thankful for the perspective you give.
I'm sure that what you are experiencing, in part, is grief. At losing the home and life you had before, because there were good memories there. And the new life will seem strange and scary sometimes, but exciting, too! Your rental is looking more and more like a home, and it will be a safe place for you to continue your journey to become a nurse. (:
Oh, for sure. This whole process is filled with a lot of grieving; grief comes in so many forms, and it includes but is not limited to, the death of a loved one.
You and I could probably share a cup of coffee and commiserate about the similar feelings we are having, even though our circumstances are so different!
For me, grieving the death/loss of a loved one was just the very tip of the grief iceberg. It was the secondary losses that are not always immediately obvious that seemed to compound the grief each time I became aware of one. I hope you continue to make your current abode a home for you and your girls.
Given the nice, bright white paint on the built-in shelves flanking that fireplace, it's probably a good thing the fireplace isn't functional. Nothing stays white long near a fire. 🙂
That is so true!
@kristin @ going country, That's not my experience. I've never had happen unless the chimney needs work, I forgot to open the flue, or the fire is too far forward in the firebox. Please do let me know if there are other possibilities because I have white paint around my fireplace.
@WilliamB, We have an enclosed woodstove. Most of the filth comes from the ash that ends up everywhere when I have to clean it out. Maybe that's not such an issue with an open fireplace. Also, the wood itself makes a mess around the woodstove on the floor, what with the inevitable bits of dirt and bark.
@kristin @ going country,
I know your pain on wood stove ash EVERYWHERE. It’s truly a thing.. but so worth it.
I have some furniture from my grandparents in the living room destined for milk paint make overs…. in gray!!!
@kristin @ going country,
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that the bigger difference between your two fireplaces is the presence of children. Since I had kids, nothing in my house is clean and it doesn't really matter what color it is. 😉
Good for you. Now you have this list to refer to as needed. Interestingly I've started a list like that myself in anticipation of my move this summer. I'm sorry for the reason that I have to move and not looking forward to the work, so I'm listing all the annoying little things I'll be glad to leave behind and the ways in which the new place will be better.
PS: I have never been able to figure out why someone would build a split-level house. I can't think of a single advantage.
@WilliamB, they're often larger and they often are an easy to way to divide a house into two rentals. The first house I bought was like that. Three bedrooms, kitchen and dining, two bathrooms on upper floor, a large area which could be a kitchen (i made it into a large laundry areaand workout room), a "dining" area I made into an office, a LR I used as a library and a spare bedroom I made into a playroom.
Nice house but not enough soul for me, plus with various illnesses I truly hated walking up a flight of steps into the foyer and then another flight to the kitchen wtih bags of groceries.
@WilliamB, The one I grew up in (and the one we rented) were split-levels. The bottom floor was actually halfway underground, with the windows at ground level (at eye level when you're down in the bottom floor). One of the advantages of this design is, as I've seen in the area where I live, is that you can build it into the side of a hill or berm, rather than level the ground. Some like that the bottom floor stays cool in the summer, as it's underground. The kitchen is usually on the top floor and has a walkout balcony patio which people like.
The main thing split levels have over more open floor plans is a greater division of living space and therefore more privacy.
However: the bottom floor gets very chilly in the winter. The top floor, which usually has the kitchen, gets very hot. In our rental, we ended up never cooking in the kitchen in the summer, instead cooking out on the patio. Even growing up my mom didn't like how warm the kitchen got (and our bedrooms were all upstairs, too, and got very warm. So yes, not a house design I personally like or would choose again!
A split-level ranks above a split foyer in my mind. At least when you go in the front door to one of those, you are in a level of the house, not in some tiny little rectangle of a foyer, surrounded by stairs!
I really, really fail to see the point of a split-foyer home design, and I CRINGE whenever I see a new one being built. Why are we still doing this??
Kristen, both the houses I was talking about are split-foyer. Where I grew up (and live) they're just called split-level; I never knew until today that were so many different terms for that type of house! And yes, split-foyer is the worst; the foyer is so small there's no room for anything, and you're in danger of falling down the stairs as soon as you come in the door!
Known as high ranches on LI. I never heard "split foyer" except on this blog. But then housing terms vary widely across the US>
@WilliamB, My grandmother lived to 99 and 11 months. She lived in a three story walk up for nearly 50 years and when I was a kid and visited and had to drag her groceries upstairs, I would think to myself, "When I grow up, I won't have any stairs in my house!" When we bought our first house together, in our 30s, my husband thought my insistence on no stairs was odd. Later we built a house and I insisted not only on no stairs but on extra wide doorways. Then we got old and each had a catastrophic illness on the way to getting old, and my refusal to have stairs looked like a stroke of genius. And if we didn't have larger doorways, I could not use a wheelchair with ease when I need it. Plan to be old and/or disabled is my advice to buyers.
Yes, focus on the positives that you have NOW. Leave the past behind. Visit the memories every now and again and then move forward.
I commend you for not venting anger about the father of your children on your blog, when that emotion understandably is uppermost from time to time. And I am very happy for you that your new house has become a home for you. I have loved seeing it grow on you in the past year. Your orange shrub is just wonderful by the way, such a lively splash of orange in an otherwise serene room.
@J NL, I agree about not venting online. I don’t ever remember hearing my mother rant (and she had many, many reasons to rant) about her ex, the father of my older sisters. As a kid, I didn’t understand why she didn’t vent when, year after year, he failed to call or visit (unless the woman he was with instigated). I was angry by how he hurt them! But grownup me acknowledges my mother’s wisdom. And yours. Kudos for your life smarts, Kristen.
@Jody S., everyone's different. I complain about my ex all the time and I don't think it's more "wise" to shut up and be a good girl about it. If that's what works for you, fine. I myself am in the category of "if they didn't want me to talk about their bad behavior, they should have behaved better."
I also think there's something feminist about it, whereas men are easily forgiven for complaining about their crazy exes, whereas women are supposed to smile and shut up for the children's sake.
@Rose, That’s something to think about. I guess I’ve never experienced the crazy ex-wife side of things.
I finally felt satisfaction when my sisters, in adulthood, recognized my father as their father— even if they still call him by his first name.
Toward the end of her life, my mother simply felt pity and sadness for her ex because of all that he missed out on by not being in his children’s lives.
@J NL,
I agree- I really admire choosing not to vent in public (or in the hearing of kids.) My sister divorced her son’s father when her son was 7. I really admired how she was also positive about her ex in her son’s earshot. She went out of her way to encourage a good relationship between them. Her ex died a few years later and I know her son is grateful that his last memories of his dad are as good as possible and that he never had to feel like he was betraying his mom by loving his dad.
In contrast, my husband’s parents got divorced when he was 2 and they are still mad at each other! My husband has many memories of the angry rants and fights, especially the ones that ruined various holidays. He and his brother were finally able to set some boundaries with their parents as adults. They explained that they love them both and can’t be expected to choose between them or judge who was “right” so many decades ago.
It’s good to be able to vent to a therapist or close friend of course! But I really love that you aren’t making your grievances public or forcing your children to bear them.
Yes! I have plenty of friends and I have a therapist and a support group to vent to, and that helps a lot. Sometimes you DO need to let it out.
@Jody S., all ex wives are crazy bitches. all of them. I wish I were kidding. I used to believe the stories second wives, even my own sister, told me, but I don't any more. Especially second wives have a lot invested in not being like the crazy witch hubby used to be saddled with. And if you ask, well if she was that bad, why'd he marry her/stay married, it's because he's a wonderful human being.
@Tarynkay, The last time I ever saw my ex was at the final divorce hearing (the one where the judge offered to put my ex in jail right then. I still wish I handn't been "nice"). We had a lunch break, I was eating with my lawyers, he was eating alone and he looked miserable. I started crying to my lawyers that this was the end of almost 30 years loving him and why did it have to end like this? He wouldn't even speak to our son. My lawayer encouraged me to go over to my ex and talk.
I did. I said, "Does it have to end this horribly, with misery and rancor? At the very very least, can you call [our son]?" My ex looked at me and said, "My relationship with my adult son is not your business." I walked back to finish lunch with my lawyers.
Didn't work out great for ex, since Son refuses to see him if the hoochie he left us for is with him. If/when either kid marries, I'm sure this will be a blowup but in the wonderful world of Not My Problem.
/sorry, this is K's blog, I need to shut up.
@Rose, That sure rings true! I hadn’t thought about it that way. My husband and I never bad mouthed his ex respecting she was the mother of his son. She didn’t return the behavior. “Everyone” said, wait, wait, when he’s older he’ll understand. Turns out he’s always understood her kind of crazy and harbored some bitter feelings about how my hubs was represented. Is that better for him? I don’t know but I still feel good about not taking her bait and escalating things to his immediate detriment.
That is horrible behaviour Rose and it is terrible that you and your kids were exposed to that. And you are not the only one sadly, I know someone in my circle who was very badly treated by a seemingly ideal husband. The damage it did to her, her kid, and the family overall (siblings testified against him) leaves me without words. Even without physical violence people can become so damaged.
I can understand your responses and do not mind them in the least. However, in blog posts by a blog writer with teenage children I personally prefer a less emotiotional approach. The children should be able to digest and grieve for the breaking up of their nuclear family and home in their own pace. No doubt they will develop a balanced view of what caused the breakup. I hope they will find, feel pride in and feel connection with good qualities in their paternal line as much as in their maternal family members. It is painful when such a connection cannot be established, as I think your own experience shows. I hope you do not think me unfeeling or disrespectful Rose, it is not that I regard your experience and your pain lightly.
@Sue and @rose, I honestly think it really just depends on the age of the kids. When I decided I needed to leave my husband my kids were still really young, 18 months - 7 years. Now the oldest is almost 16 and I still really try to refrain from saying anything negative around them. I honestly think he is a sad horrible person but at the same time, he is their biological parent which counts for a lot when you're a child. I lost my mom when I was young and my dad remarried. My Dad and step mom had a very volatile relationship for a long time. I tended to think my step mom was in the right, but even still, I always resented her when she said anything negative about him. I never want my kids to feel that way. No child ever benefitted from having a bad relationship with one of their parents and I won't be the reason they have a bad relationship. I am positive that I will be more open and honest with them as they get older regarding what I think of their dad and the actions that resulted in our divorce.
@Rose, I bet Kristen is just as normal as everyone else in person and vents to her friends and in her support group, but she has awesome restraint about venting on the World Wide Web, especially since the divorce isn't final.
@J NL, Oh no, I respect and appreciate everyone's viewpoint here as long as we can agree that marriages, divorces, families etc circumstances are all different and there is no one right way to handle it.
My kids were 16 and 19 and badly needed him when he walked away. (In fact I think my kids many problems were perhaps 55% of the reason he left. I refused to throw my son out of the house, for example, and I was told by everyone, including my inlaws and a former BFf (not the one who died) that my son was just bad and always going to be bad. Not joking. He refused to help with my son's bail/lawyer fees, etc.) I wasn't going to lie to my 19 year old son about how his father really loved him but just couldn't be bothered to help with the court case, etc. Why should I lie for him after the way he treated us? And again.
It's possible I handled things badly but my thing was, the kids were late teens, they deserved to know the truth, I hate meaningless family lies and secrets. My son saw me crying as I sold my beloved treasures to pay for his lawyer. That's real life. Not gonna fake it. (One of the things, oddly enough, was a painting I sold BFF who then left it to me in her will. She understood.)
@Rose, I don't think it is "being a good girl" to keep your complaints to yourself, especially if you have kids who don't need to be reminded that half of their genetic makeup belongs to a rotten bastard. Pretty much my entire career has been involved kids and custody cases and I have yet to see a case where the kids weren't damaged when a parent kept harping on the misdeeds of the other.
@Rose, but I do agree age of the kids makes a difference, too. My work tended to be with younger kids who are still forming their own self-images and thinking they come from an evil parent can be pretty damaging.
@Rose,
What was the quote aain: all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way?
Outsiders cannot be the judge of how to handle family crises.
How wonderful that you have your painting back. Whenever you see it you are reminded of your BFFs understanding and love for you.
@J NL, Thanks. But right now, it's making me cry, as I used its theme and "flights of angels sing thee to thy rest" both a message to her when she was dying and at my eulogy for her. Hopefully it will just go back to being a painting again soon.
I am glad for you that you can find joy amid the pain. God bless you.
Such a lot of wonderful things to focus on at your new house! Here are two more that come to mind as I read your list... 1- sweet neighbors who bring you lasagna and lend you yard tools, and 2- you no longer have re-painting dark bedroom walls on your to-do list. As others have said, thanks for reminding us all to look for the good in the midst of the hard!
@PD, I thought of those two plusses as well.
Haha, that is so true! I never DID have to paint over that burgundy paint!
Honestly I really enjoy following your story. I know that God is going to give you better than you can imagine. I was where you were many years ago. Gosh I was so angry and hurt but I needed to survive and make things okay for my kids. I never ever spoke anger towards their dad to them. Now as adults they thank me for that. They realized on their own what he was about. You will have a great peace with the years to come and I believe your nursing career is going to be a blessing to everyone you come help. That is who you are! I love your home! I love the window shelf to hold your plants, the built ins and the pantry. I pray for nothing but good for you and your children!
Having to move from your house was very disruptive to all; but there was a silver lining--you did have someplace and family, which was so fortunate. Some don't have that. I know it has been a tough year and you have been very graceful.
Watching your blog over the years, I know you put yourself into that home--the windows in the dining room that you were so happy to get. I realized I have been reading your blog since before you moved to that house. It is a pleasure knowing you.
I remember the food waste lists. At that time I decided to use reducing food waste as my Lenten deed each year--because one can slack off and needs to re-focus on things.
Keep on moving one foot in front of the other.
Yes, I am really blessed to be in a much easier situation than many women in my shoes! I have a lot of support and resources and skills that are helping me navigate this, and I am grateful.
I was supposed to be living in a house we owned, but a year ago that purchase fell apart. We had to find a rental quickly and have only been there a year as the landlord wanted it back. So today we handed the keys back and I’m unpacking boxes in our new rental, which unfortunately has a lot less kitchen cabinets!
It’s so frustrating and impacting me feeling secure, but I am grateful that I have somewhere to live. This post was one I needed today. I’m so pleased that you’re able to see positives, through the grief.
@Victoria, My old kitchen was the perfect size, but I had 88 cabinets/drawers in all (I remember because I ordered new pulls) and when we moved out, I was finding things in the cabinets like my kids' baby bibs and things like an enormous brass Chinese bowl I'd never seen before. Too many cabinets plus one lazy/tired homeowner (the door shuts, good enough) can get a bit crazy.
@Victoria, oh, that's hard! I hope you find what you want soon.
@Rose, wow 88 cabinets my Stuy Town apt has 14 cabinets and three drawers in the kitchen. but i am happy with the space. it has a window to watch the world go by.
@Victoria,
I am so sorry you’ve had to leave two homes. I hope that you will be able to feel secure very soon. The opposite is a terrible feeling.
@Anita Isaac, That's pretty nice for Manhattan! I love Stuy Town.
@Rose, thanks. i love it too. came here alone and now i live with hubby. two kids and a cokapoo puppy named buddy.. loved the recent photo you posted of gus. he is one lucky kitten. i guess a cat by now.
Ugh, housing issues are so hard. I hate, hate, hate the feeling of being unsettled in terms of a living situation!
@Anita Isaac, Yep, we figured he turned one about the begining of November. He's a much-loved part of the family along with our two dogs.
@Rose, I would never have been able to find anything! Who puts 88 cabinets/drawers in an entire house, let alone a kitchen?!
Love your blogs! Your optimistic views are always encouraging and uplifting to me!
I have been wondering though, where your son Joshua is and how things are with him.
Our relationship is really hard right now, and that's about all I can say. I wait and hope, with a warm and welcoming heart, and I trust things will work out in time.
That was a beautiful post. You are truly a class act and an inspiration. My life's circumstances are not similar to yours, but finding the silver linings in life certainly has relevance for us all.
@Karen L, "class act" is such an apt term to describe Kristen! That and "graceful".
Hard as my situation with DH is, one thing I haven't had to do yet is leave our beloved home. And I know I'm going to be unhappy if/when age, infirmity, or other factors force me to leave it. But, as you so often do, you set us all an excellent example of adapting with grace and even gratitude to changing circumstances. Thank you, as always.
I can imagine that your familiar home is such a comfort to you! And I am so glad you've gotten to stay.
Also: the neighbors!! I can imagine you want to live by them as long as possible.
I have read all the comments from your readers, and as I am not so eloquent with words, I'll just say "what they said", beautifully expressed by everyone.
I love your living room window with the shelf for plants, and your south facing bedroom windows, your orange tree makes me happy. And the hanging rod in the laundry room is so useful; I ran 2 electrical cords across my laundry room on which I can hang my clothes.
Best wishes to you in your new home.
Every kitchen sink should have a window. People without them don't realize how much they improve the chore of dishwashing!
@Bobi, Mine is in the island, looking toward the den-side of the space. That works very well for me - I can talk with anyone there instead of my back being toward them.
@Bobi, the first thing I did when I moved into this house was replace a double hung window (with a horizontal sash in the middle) over the sink with a single pane window -- I have a view of the mountains and it was driving me crazy that I couldn't enjoy it while I washed the dishes. You can always tell when a man who's never washed a dish in his life designed your house.
@Bobi, That's my favorite - a window above the sink. My last home had a view of our lemon tree that brought me zen while I washed what felt like mountains of dishes. Right now my kitchen sink is on an island (so no window possible) BUT I'm really lucky in that I have a fantastic open view when I look to the side. It helps with the daydreaming while completing a tedious chore.
@JDinNM, I grew up in Albuquerque and our rental had a view of the Sandias over the sink. that view is burned into my brain because washing dishes was one of my chores as a teenager. Great call to swap out that window!
@JDinNM, Our old/old house (as in, one I no longer live in, but also one built in the 1840s) had a kitchen addition from the 1920s, when there was still a family servant in the house. There was a window above the sink, but it was quite high, and the story was that it was built that way so the servant couldn't see out when she was working and get distracted. It is not surprising to me that Addy--the servant--left to visit family in Harlem once and just never returned.
@Bobi, I agree, but you know, my current kitchen has no window over the sink and I found myself framing it in a positive light after we moved: "Well, I don't have to wipe water splashes off a window on the regular anymore!" And as my husband pointed out, "The neighbors can't see you while you're washing dishes!" (In our past house, the kitchen window faced the sidewalk and road, so anybody walking by could see into the kitchen!)
I am at least grateful that our kitchen has a window at all; it faces the backyard and I can open it to get a breeze.
There's ALWAYS something to be thankful for.
In my other kitchen, I would have said, "I love my beautiful white cabinets and my gray backsplash and my granite countertops."
But here in my rental, with my formica countertops and old wood cabinets, I choose to be grateful for my window. 🙂
I wanted to add that everyone who loves a window over the sink should find and read Peg Bracken's memoir, "A Window Over the Sink." Wonderful book about her childhood and how she designed her kitchen in her Hawaii home.
@WilliamB, yours is a window into your own home!
@WilliamB, I've seen that setup and I think I could live with that. My desperate desire for a window over the sink came when we lived in back to back apartments with dark, interior kitchens. It was really depressing (for me.)
@JDinNM, Amen to your last sentence! I say the same thing when cleaning the oven. 😉
@CrunchyCake, I like the idea of an island sink, but right now to have a corner sink with two windows so I'm spoiled!
@Karen A., the water splashes are definitely a (negative) thing! Lucky for me, my corner sink with two windows faces woods so the only 'neighbors' peering in the windows are pesky squirrels and birds.
@CrunchyCake, Best $ I spent! I bought an older adobe house in Corrales and my view of the Sandias is so clear I can count the broadcast antennas on the peak from my kitchen window.
Gotta say, Kristen, I really dig those midcentury cabinets of yours. Birch? If were a buyer I would keep them (depending on condition of course).
@Karen A., everyone should read of all of Peg Bracken all the time. The woman was a hilariously funny goddess and a welcome breath of fresh air, both back then and now. And I DO use some of her recipes, still.
https://www.bonappetit.com/story/i-hate-to-cook-book
“Some women, it is said, like to cook. This book is not for them,” begins one of the bestselling cookbooks of the 1960s. “This book is for those of us who want to fold our big dishwater hands around a dry Martini instead of a wet flounder, come the end of a long day.”
“Brown the garlic, onion, and crumbled beef in the oil. Add the flour, salt, paprika, and mushrooms, stir, and let cook five minutes while you light a cigarette and stare sullenly at the sink.”
@Rose, I love Peg Bracken, and that was my first cookbook. Just reading it makes me smile - she had such dry wit. Dr. Martin's Mix (a busy man) was a family favorite. Ready in the time it took him to set a fracture. (:
@Rose, I discovered her through the I Hate to Cook Almanac, that I found in a library about 24 years ago. I soon found my own copy, which has pride of place next to The Compleat I Hate To Cook Book, I Hate To Housekeep, I Try To Behave Myself, and A Window Over The Sink. I love her writing.
You’ve really made your new house a home. I love your linen closet. I really, really dislike wire shelving, and I have it in most of my closets. It’s on my list of things to change, but there always seems to be something else that is more pressing. My dream is to have all my closets professionally fitted. Wouldn’t that be grand!!!!!?????
@Bee, Have you considered Elfa (from the Container Store, which still doesn't give me a royalty every time I mention them, darn it) or the cheaper Home Despot/Lowe's versions? They're customizable with many options, can be changed as your needs change, and less expensive then professional fitting. The Container Store will help you design your space even if you don't buy their products.
@WilliamB, another fan here. Elfa is so identifiable that you can search for it on Craigslist, FB Marketplace, etc. The stuff is so well constructed that buying it second hand is no big deal. Plus, you can always fill in anything else you need [at the store that doesn't pay you]. It's too late this year, but if you're a planner (and can't find what you want used), it goes on sale every January for about 30% off.
Kristen, I love this post! Thank you for your continuous demonstration of living gracefully. Lovely to behold.
I am so incredibly proud of you for making the hard choice to move out of your former home. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you. I know you have suffered tremendous grief over this situation. But you have truly bloomed where you are planted, and you are providing such a great example for others who find themselves in such difficult times. Your ability to find positive things in the darkness of grief is truly inspirational.
@Beverly,
Well said! Kristen, you're an inspiration to us all. Thanks for being transparent and sharing what you have. We are all behind you, supporting you. Wishing you all the best!!
A good attitude makes things so much better. Thanks for promoting grace even in a bad situation.
Dear Kristen,
"No matter how sure you are that this is the right decision, it is still a really, really, really hard thing to do."
I feel you so much on this sentence you wrote. In the past couple of years (starting 2017), I've repeated done this. Each decision hurts initially, continues to hurt for awhile, until one day it no longer does.
Instead it's replaced with the relief that, "I'm so glad I got out of that relationship/situation."
Depending on the decision, the relief comes sooner for some and seemingly delayed for others.
Long time reader (around 2012ish), first time commenter. Your blog is hugely inspirational. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the world!
Warmest Wishes,
Kelly
Thank you for commenting! And yes, sometimes the right decision is so super painful.
Kristen, I have recommended your blog to a beloved friend who just began divorce proceedings to leave an abusive marriage. So much of what I’ve been able to say and do to support my friend comes from reading through your experiences here, and I also want my friend to see that others—both you and the commenters—have been there, survived that, and come through the other side. Thank you for sharing both the good and the bad times with us as honestly as decorum allows; thank you, too, for sharing your grace to muddle through. Muddling through is an accomplishment unto itself oftentimes, let alone with grace!
Oh, I am so glad that what I have shared here has been helpful!
What an uplifting post! Also, I really love your rental over your old house. Hope that's okay! It just has so much charm. Maybe it's all of the rehabbed furniture that you did, or the free things you've picked up, but it all seems to mean so much. We don't really know what our futures hold, and your strength and ability to roll with the punches is inspiring. 🙂
@Sarah C.,
same here! It is not at all relevant - but I also find your rental much more charming than your old house Kristen. It must be the light and your rehabbed furniture especially the table, the thriving plants, that cheery and clearly healthy little orange tree of yours, the funny Christmas tree and many more little details - it transfers so much contentment and serenity. I hope I have chosen the right words. Just wanted to express how very lovely your rental looks to me
Aww, thanks, you guys!
Those built-ins!!!!! I’m so sorry you were the one who had to leave. It says a lot about a man who would put their wife through that. I went through something very similar. But ultimately, you are thriving and the new place is beautiful.
What a great idea, counting your blessings with your new home! A silver lining to this situation is that you now have a list of things in a home that will be important to have when you choose a future home (assuming you will not stay in the rental or get the old home back).
My grandmother was one of those who lived by the rule, "If you can't say something good about someone, don't say anything," so I can appreciate that you are practicing that here.
Oh yes, at this point I do not want the old home back. I have already moved out and worked through a lot of the grief about that; to move back in would be to go back to square one, I feel.
@Kristen, maybe eventually you will be able to buy your rental home. But get the current owner to replace the foggy windows first! 😎
I know a move is probably in my future at some point (had we had the baby this summer we would've been looking to move faster but right now it's in a wait and see stage.
I will miss a lot about this house but not everything about it. I just hope that any advantages gained in a new place will override the downsides of moving.
@Battra92, I got the impression that you had been struggling with something difficult, but did not know what happened (nor did I need to ask, I just added you to my prayer list). Based on this comment, it's not hard to guess about the nature of your distress. I'm sorry for what you've been through and I hope that with time things will get easier. Your presence here is very much appreciated.
Wow so so nice of a place, you have definitely worked hard to get it where it is now. I am so sorry about your marriage situation but God knows both of your hearts and he seems to have watched over you through everything. Hang in there when you get your nursing degree you will be doing much better financially and who know maybe upgrade your living situation if you want to do so!! I do enjoy your posts!!
I think you are amazing.
I get such a sense of serenity in the photos of your new home.It has “you” written all over it.You have made the house a home! I love that you have trails in the woods for your daily walks, and the orange tree is the first thing you see when you open your eyes! Beautiful! While the past year has been probably the most stressful of your life, you are building a new life that suits you and your children..and I am grateful to be included in sharing your plans for nursing school, your walks, you trips, your furniture painting adventures as well as your stresses. Life has some tough chapters in it,that’s for sure, but you manage to keep your blog uplifting and real all at once. Thank you for sharing with us!!!!
You know what's funny? (or sort of not-funny) This last year has NOT been the hardest of my life; the years prior were the hardest.
This year has not been easy, but it pales in comparison to the before times.
Which is probably a good sign that I have made the right decision!
@Kristen, awww, that just makes me want to hug you more. I'm sorry that you have traveled such a rough road these past few years. You have borne some staggering losses with amazing grace. I hope things continue to improve in your new life.
Thank you for your encouragement!!
Thank you so much for sharing. Your posts always brighten my day.
I had to move out of my house this past summer and into a 2 bedroom apartment due to separation and then divorce. There are a lot of things I miss about my old house that make me sad (and sometimes angry) about having to leave it behind. My old house was a dream home for me and so in a lot of ways, it's easy to think about all the things I lost when I moved into my apartment. Thank you for this post to inspire me to list out the things that are better!
- I have much bigger closets
- My bedroom has bigger and sunnier windows
- I have a garbage disposal and dimmers on all of my light switches
- I have a nice deep bathtub to take baths in
- There are many more places to walk to including Main Street shops which have allowed me to make a lot of new friends and acquaintances
- I have a shorter commute to my work
It's been helpful this last year to read about your grieving and healing process as I've been walking through my own. Thinking about you and sending positivity and peace your way!
Aww, Amy, I am so sorry that you are on this path too. It is super hard to leave a home you've invested so much energy into; I feel you.
I love that your apartment is walking distance to things; that must be a really fun lifestyle to try out for a while!
I love your rental house, Kristen, and you've made it so very pretty. I would love those built ins around the fire place and a proper pantry! Right now I have a shelving unit in my coat closet (funny coincidence?) that I use for surplus pantry items but to have a real pantry is a dream.
I am sorry you had to leave your old house but really the home is not the house and you've made a lovely home for yourself now.
I live in a 1850's Ontario farmhouse/cottage in a glorious nature filled spot on a river and although I may have the home of least value on the road (there is one other late 1800s farmhouse but much bigger than mine, my sister used to own it), I'll never take for granted what this house/home has given me. I bought it 26 years ago this month as a young single woman and I threw my heart and soul into it's renovations (it was not livable by most people's standards) and kept as much of the old as I could. Three and half years later I adopted my eldest daughter and although the house was fully livable, there were some cosmetic things left to be done. Add daughter number 2 and time, money and energy for completion of these projects went out the window! I actively parented, worked full-time as an RN in a busy ICU and somedays felt like I was barely keeping my head above water. Over the past 3 or 4 years though, with one daughter at university and the youngest getting older and more interested in our home, we've accomplished a lot, and for my birthday for several years, my family has chipped in to help with various renos.
So now I sit in my home and really, really love it. Especially with the new paint that was done for my last birthday! So clean and fresh. And seeing as I am sitting in my home a lot since being sick, I'm really finding joy in these things. My visions for my home sweet home having come to fruition finally. Plus if my girls decide to sell the house when I am no longer here, it's market ready!!
Thank you for your joyful post, Kristen, it definitely made my heart a little happier today!
Oh, that is so funny that we both have a coat closet converted into a pantry!
All looks so homey. We support you and your positive thinking!
So your cat isn't interested in nibbling on the plants? My cat loves greens!
Surprisingly, she does not ever bother my plants!
This is so not my business but you would think he would have wanted you and your 3 girls to stay in the family home. Glad you love your new home.
That's what would have made sense to me. But I try to remind myself that in his mind and his paradigm and given his priorities, his decision to stay in the house made sense to him.
I think I've said this before, but in my support group, full of wives in the same kind of hard marriage, every last one of them had to be the one to leave the family home. You can't kick someone out, exactly, and if they refuse to leave, then it's up to you to make a move of some sort.
@Kristen, I smiled to myself when I read that at one point you may have been judgy about someone leaving the marriage/family home. My assumption in such a situation is pretty much the opposite of yours---I always think that they must be pretty brave and assertive to decide that something is not working and it is time to leave. I'm sure that this is because in past relationships, before my marriage, I was the one who always left relationships, so of course I framed it so that I was the better one for having left.
oh kristen i started reading your blog when you were working on the dining area. my heart breaks for you. you have so much style and grace. one door closes and another opens. you are a light in the darkness for all your readers. i am full of cliché's today. but your long term goal of being a nurse is on the horizon. you are getting closer and closer.
we are all pulling for you. thankfully your ski trip is coming up soon. i know you will feel better soon
I loved reading this article. It calmed me. Thank you for sharing. Quite beautiful.
Oh, I am so glad!
"joy is multiplied when it’s shared"
I never thought about that, but that is so true!
I am glad you are not living in a van down by the river. However, if that were the case you can drive your home through the drive through at McDonald’s and someone will serve you breakfast in bed.
@Tiana, My first hearty laugh for the day!
I LOVE your gorgeous fireplace mantel and built ins! Such a classic look- my favorite. And your hiking trails that you can walk have me drooling - it's very urban here where I live, and trees struggle to grow here a bit more at times because it's a drier climate. Smelling the fresh air out amongst all the trees must be so invigorating!
Yes! Walking is good on its own, but walking in the woods hits totally different.
Oh gosh, I grew up in a split-foyer home, and then when we first started renting back in 2016, we rented a split foyer home and I realized how much I dislike that layout. Since then we've rented ranch homes, which are far superior!
And yes, windows over the sink are wonderful.
I truly respect your decision to keep details of your life private. Some things are not meant for public consumption, and you're doing a great job balancing openness with discretion, something that very few people are good at these days. Kudos to you.
We just moved from a 4 bedroom colonial to a 3 bedroom ranch. I love it! My husband and (grown) children are mourning their old house. I only see the good things that became of the move, while they seem to focus on what they lost. This post is sooooo relevant right now. Our move wasn't as traumatic as yours, for which I am glad, but every move has it's good and bad. Thank you Kristen.
ps. I agree with the bathroom window. BOTH houses have regular windows in the shower and are a PAIN to clean. 🙂
@Joyce, its not it's. 🙁
I want to move in! You’ve made it so lovely and restive and homey! Thank you for not being a complete “brightsider” and acknowledging there are always hard feelings but ways to soften them. When I left my first marriage, forty-ish years ago now (no kids) I took my pillows and knocked on my sisters door. Couch hopped for awhile, then settled in an apartment. I never fought for my half of the house I was just so happy to be free! Important fact: I had a great support system which I realize not everyone is lucky enough to have. Your new house feels lighter ( literally AND figuratively) to me and so soothing! For however long you are there you’ve made a space for you and your girls to feel hugged!
Yes, that is so true. Lots of women in my shoes end up living in kind of a crappy apartment, and still they are happier. No lovely home can make up for a hurtful relationship.
Your attitude is truly inspirational!!! Thank you for this. Also - I don't want to offer unsolicited advice - but pls make sure you're well-represented by good lawyers. Too often there's an imbalance of power/financial resources when there's a marital breakdown with a SAHM in the mix, and that absolutely should not be the case. I'm happy to work with you on referrals or resources if you need it. <3
Yep, yep! I have a good lawyer helping me through the process.
YAY for silver linings! I can always find them...when I remember to look. You, your blog, the tone that you write with, and this community always manages to adjust my attitude and I am slowly, but surely, embracing my hidden Pollyanna. For that you have my heartfelt gratitude. I admire the way in which you handle adversity (big or small). Life goals for me. Prayers for you and your girls!
Aww, yay!! Yes to finding our inner Pollyanna!
It's bunk that you had to move from your home when you didn't want to. It's rough that life is sometimes filled with crud that isn't fair and it's so commendable that instead of wallowing it (which you're entitled to), you're recognizing the positives. I'm guessing that your new living situation is more peaceful in a lot of ways than your former situation was. Keep on keepin' on with recognizing the reality (feeling angry, resentment, etc) but also not getting trapped there.
Yes, yes, 100% my living situation is better here. So much more peace! I don't miss my living situation at all; it's really just the house that makes me sad. Like, when I think of my huge hydrangea that I grew from a little stick, or my Aldi peony plant that I also grew from a tiny root...it makes me sigh a little.
@Kristen, time to buy yourself a new hydrangea and a new peony. If I lived close, I'd bring both to you. Today!
@Kristen,
Can you get "custody" of the peony? Transplant it to a big pot until you are sure of your yard situation? I haven't tried peonies, but after my parents' house burned, my siblings and I had someone dig up our parents roses then donated them to my parent's church's rose garden, and the transplants worked.
@Kristen, peony plants are really easy to divide. Maybe one of your girls could divide it for you? Just a thought. <3
True, true!
Transplant them!
I know; sometimes the things that make me feel bad about the previous house are things I can't replicate here, like the 1000 mixed daffodil bulbs I planted, in grief and fright, after 9/11. For month every year we had every kind of daffodil you could imagine flowering. Then the peonies--planted by my 90 year old neighbor's great aunt in the 1920s--would start up. Armloads and armloads of peonies for everyone who wanted in the neighborhood. Whatever. It was a lovely time and it's now gone.
Kristen, as others have said, thank you for sharing with us your real self and struggles, but also the good with the bad. Both must be very hard, the first because it is difficult to share your struggles while still maintaining the privacy of others (especially when they have hurt you), and the second, because it really takes more effort to highlight the good in times of bad (and we humans are not even wired to notice good things primarily ever).
I wish you well in the future, especially financial stability and a feeling of safety and of being at home always.
So true! We notice the "bad" so easily. But it takes work to see the good.
@Kristen, Amen! (And I plead guilty.)
Taking the higher road in public has always served me well. I admire your consistent practice of doing just that, and have a deep appreciation for the strength required to do so.
No one can ever take your memories. The house is just a building, that acts as a catalyst to accessing those . All that work on your previous home has proven to just be training for this and future domiciles! It was your warm up!
Ugh, yes, it requires a surprising amount of strength. There is a part of me that really wants to go down the path of telling you all my sob story because I know you all would offer so much sympathy and understanding.
And you are right; I learned so many fix-it-up skills in that house, and I can take those with me everywhere I go.
@Kristen, Also, I admire you for not venting about your ex out of respect for his family and friends. (You had said some many posts ago that some of them might see your posts). I hope you are still comfortable and friendly with many of them. A scorched earth policy takes longer to heal.
Best wishes to you as your home unfolds around you with the people you love.
You have the best attitude, Kristen. I have learned so much from you about staying positive even when life throws you curve balls. I am so happy that your rental house has become such a wonderful home for you and the girls.
Thank you, Beth!
Love this post. Love how simple things like trails, a nice bathroom window, light coming in windows, can bring happiness. But then I think sunshine makes everything seem better! Thanks for including so many photos.
You've certainly been a great example to your girls.
I have glass blocking in my bathroom. It has a small window that can open. Enough to let in fresh air and add a breeze, when it's nice out.
1. There are 2 different kinds of knobs/handles on your kitchen cupboards
2. Nice matching coathangers
3. I'm dying to organize your clothes by color
4. For years I've been wishing for a way to incorporate glass blocks. . . such a fabulous design for a shower.
5. All laundry rooms should have hanging rods!
6. Linen closet envy here (to go with that glass block envy)
7. Where I live there is a choice of walking trails away from the river or walking a road along the river; life is a series of choices and tradeoffs
8. Whoever originated that split foyer design should be sentenced to a lifetime of living with such an annoying layout.
Have you ever read or listened to Michael Hyatt? Wise man, mostly about business, but my main take-away from him is when bad stuff happens, ask yourself, "What does this make possible?" Sounds as if you are able to do that.
Fantastic post - thank you!
@Central Calif. Artist, #3..haha, I had the same reaction!
My burning question is .... doesn't your cat nibble on the plants in the window? Mine sure would. We can only have plants in very high, inaccessible places.
I remember thinking, oh, Kristen had to leave her home just when she got her wonderful window for her dining room. It's funny how much our homes inhabit our minds. But .... your rental is so cozy, especially with the fireplace and built-ins. I have built-ins and I love them and I'm glad you get to enjoy them where you are living now. As a thought, you could also put twinkle lights in a glass vase(s) and put them in your fireplace box for added ambiance.
I totally understand the mixed feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, and relief. My ex is still a selfish person. We had a child and all the stuff he during pregnancy and just after I had the baby. I left over 14 years ago. My kid doesn't know him. He only pops up every 5-8 years. Asking me for pictures or to meet up. I tried to meet up to see if he had grown up (there was drugs and alcohol involved, which he still denies) Was going to have is meet in a public place and each bring a friend. He was the one who said he wanted to meet. He kept coming up with excuses. So it didn't happen. I don't badmouth him to my kid. But they know he was disrespectful and tried to separate me from friends and family. I said maybe someday he'll grow up. But, I would not trust him with money or to keep his promise. Addicts have issues and have to realize that they need help and take responsibility for the stupid things they did. We didn't start really talking about him until my kid was old enough to understand what was going on.
I love the candles in the fire place. Our gas fire place works, but with the current price of natural gas, we don't dare to use it. I'll try the candles for the good cheer a fire brings.
You may still end up in your house. But when getting a divorce get a good attorney as it’s a time to get your fair share. My friend got a divorce not by her choice and was devastated but a few years later married a nice doctor so she is living a much better life now with a much nicer guy. Life has a way of turning out not how you expect it and oftentimes for the better.
What a positive approach! I to agree counting our blessings makes things more tolerable! Im so glad to hear you have so many positives. Your home looks so lovely and you have done a beautiful job for you and your girls!!
Of all the things I love about you and your blog, your ability to find good in everything is probably at the top of the list. It is a quality I sadly lack so I find it refreshing in others.
We also have the frosted block glass in our bathroom and I am constantly telling people who are remodeling to consider installing that in the bathroom. We also have a street light nearby and at night it illuminates the bathroom without blinding you, which is really nice during our low hours of daylight in the winter. No night lite for the dog to knock out of the plug when he insists on joining one of us in the bathroom.
I can certainly see the reasons for the anger and the sadness. But your new rental seems really lovely! It's great that you can see that and are focusing on it. I try to do the same, because I did NOT want to move from our last house. But while the outside surroundings are not nearly as wonderful, there are some really nice features inside the home, and the neighbourhood is very central. It's a good neighbourhood, even if not as stunning in terms of a natural setting. Like you, I try and focus on those good things!
I've lived in many rental houses and apartments in years past, before buying a hobby farm in the country in 1990. I've learned things from each house or apartment, both what I loved and what didn't work.
I also love the kitchen sink under the window! This farm house must have had a tall person when the kitchen was added. The window is set up pretty darn high for a short person.
Recently I switched rooms for my bedroom, have a long narrow room now, with windows all along the south side and one on south-west cover. LOVE all the light.
The old bedroom is going to become a library/guest room. Going to rip out the filthy carpet, clean the floor like mad, and paint whatever is there, I think it's OSB board, but could be plywood. Have a nice round braided rug that will go in there, once the weather is better I'm going to haul that outside and try cleaning it with a power washer (will rent that).
Just bought a new palm sander this week, after going through several old ones from the work shop. The old ones that don't work properly are going to the recycling place.
There is a rafter building place nearby that sets out huge boxes with scrap lumber and plywood that is free for the taking. Every trip to town I zip by and see what is there. The small bits I use in the woodstove upstairs, and the bigger pieces 2x6 to 2x10 from 24" to 36" long I'm going to use in the upcoming library room. Have been sanding them, and putting on a Varathane stain. Finding the right time to run the sander is tricky, my adult son's room is in the basement where I've been working, he works midnight shifts, so sleeps in the daytime.
The reasons for leaving a marriage really vary between couples and are often not visible to the outside world. Hang in there!
There are so many frugal ideas I've gleaned from you over the years, but probably the most important thing I've gained is strengthening my thankfulness muscles. You have made a huge impact in my ability to look for the good in hard times and your post about how nothing is ever all good or all bad is something my mind has come back to time and time again. Thank you for modeling this for us and encouraging us to join you.
I praise God for how he has provided and cared for you this last year of really hard changes! I wish you all the best in this next year.
I like your rental house. It's really pretty. I'm glad you found such a charming place to regroup. Whether you stay there for a long time, or only for a short while, I think it will always hold a special place in your heart.
I think you are right; it will always be the place where I had a fresh start.
I love a window over the kitchen sink too! Something to consider for the future? Nearly every state in the union has 50-50 split after a divorce, so chances are (without any messy court fight) you'll get half of the "old" house (as a payout) which means you can buy yourself a cool condo/house that suits YOUR style as a budding nurse, ready for your second act.
Yes, I will definitely get half the value of the other house; and then one day in the future I will buy a house again.
@Kristen, Hopefully all of the legal stuff will work out without much drama or conflict! It's a blessing that your children will all be adults or nearly adults when it's time for legal stuff. I know, from friends who have really tried to walk through a divorce as they feel they are called to as Christians, it can be incredibly hard, especially when kids are involved, to know when you need to be willing to lay down your rights or to take a (financial or legal) hit, and when you need to refuse to compromise even though it will mean some added acrimony. It's really tough. Lots of prayers that the process is as smooth as it can possibly be for you, and that those tough choices, if they do come up, will be clear.
Your perspective is goals. I just bought a house that I don’t love, but I can pay it off in the relatively near future and not worry about money in the mid- to long-term. This is life - we’re always making compromises that are better than the alternative. There’s so much peace to be found in this way of living.
Oooh, a paid-off house would be so wonderful. Yay you!
Kristen, I can’t imagine the pain of the circumstances of leaving your family home like that. I know a little about leaving places, though. I’m sure you know that home is where the heart is, and your babies continue to join you in your new home, so no matter where you gather, that’s really where home is. Secondly, that expression, “you can’t go home again” - it’s so true; after what happened, happened, there was probably no going back to “the family home”; it was never going to be the same. You weren’t given much of a choice but to start over, but you did, and you thrived - people change throughout their lifetimes and you have been changing from an at-home mom/teacher to a nurse and your nest looks different for this next chapter / you have a gift for nesting and even though this is just a rental, it’s SO BEAUTIFUL!!!! There’s no evidence of this being “just a rental” or a “temporary place”, you have already filled it with a family and projects and plants and a story of self-improvement! I’d say this is a home!
I can't say I knew what a split foyer was before. Then I saw the photos and realized I had one years ago and lost track of how many times someone or something fell down it- it was split to the basement. The person who took that house after me actually sealed that up.
When I went through the very difficult moveon/out decision, I had a hard time explaining where I was in my head space. People were very in to finding out who "what happened" but they wanted specific events that I didn't have, or definitely didn't think was fair to share from only my point of view.
Also couldn't explain that part of what made me happy about my much smaller, less impressive new residence was just that it was ... mine. Whether a relationship is good or bad or somewhere in between, if it is a long one, you develop an automatic compromise mode. Just putting the furniture where I wanted was one of those tiny little steps forward to a better place. However at the time I couldn't say that because people jumped on that comment to assume I was escaping a controlling situation. I most definitely was not.
All relationships have aspects of "we" and aspects of "me." Separating the two after many years is a process that doesn't require blame, just belief.
I sometimes think that is why it is easier for some people to go directly from one relationship to another. It's then a matter of slightly shifting the compromises rather than going back to "me" and compromising again. That never worked for me, but to each his own.
Also when it comes to houses, it takes living in them to decide what you like. When I moved in to this fixer upper, I had a list of priority fixes. That has completely changed as I figure out what drives me nuts and what doesn't. Hopefully when it comes to any potential future relationships, I take the time to figure out those priorities as well:-)
Oh yes, this is so true; at this point, I actually do not even want to "go home" to that house again! That ship has sailed.
Even though I know this is "just a rental", I don't look at it like that; I am a person who likes to have a feathered nest, and I'd probably do all this even if I lived somewhere for six months! 😉
Love your attitude about this. There are always things to be thankful for.
And I so admire your grace and restraint when talking about the situation. I have a good friend whose marriage ended despite his very best efforts to save it, and one thing that everybody always comments on about him is how respectfully and graciously he always speaks about his ex-wife. I don't know if people think that unless they are publicly bad-mouthing their spouse, people will somehow assume they were the ones at fault, but I don't think it works that way. The way my friend speaks about his ex is a reflection of his character, not hers.
It's okay to let private things remain private. That doesn't mean we're somehow ashamed of things or, like, unhealthily suppressing them. It just means that there are aspects of our lives (some very good, some very bad, most in between) that are not for public consumption, and it's okay to be very, very selective about who we share them with. Honestly, I think that's a lesson that a lot of people need in a social media age.
Beautiful place / house you call your own! Looks so cozy!
You have made yourself and the girls such a lovely little home and made the best of a bad situation. That's awesome.
My mother always insisted on a window above the sink so she could look out while doing dishes so that was definitely on my list when I was house shopping!
It was time to leave our old rental home, I thought... It was probably just time for *him* to leave our rental. We bought a house that is my dream home and I won't be able to maintain it on my own. However, in the current rental market, I can't find ANYTHING that will accept my dog, let alone be something I can afford with half the mortgage until we sell. (And I look at the affordable housing market often as part of my job, so... I really know.) None of this is easy. I appreciate your respectful honesty and your gratitude lists. It helps me make my own bright spots in this dark time of life.
Your writing inspires me to be a better human. Thank you for sharing your grace.
That being said I am really, really, really glad you are going to insist on your worth being recognized, legally. Because you have toiled for all your family created and it is not right that your efforts and success be overlooked or folded into someone's misguided understanding of how the world works.
Yep; it is not nasty to insist on what is legally mine. 🙂
Thank you so much for this post! I also left my family home with huge complicated emotions, sadness, and anger. We moved to an apartment for a year and just rented a fabulous ranch style home that I love! I hope your financial split works out better than mine. I love the sentiment about blooming where you're planted. Enjoy your home and your new life!
Oh, that's so funny because I am in a ranch too!
I’ve been following you for many years and went through a divorce two years ago. I love this post and your attitude of gratitude! We have to stay focused on the positive. Your home is beautiful. Blessings to you!
Yes; in the midst of the hard times, it's so important to find the good things too!
I’m so proud of you and inspired by all of us who have bloomed where we were planted! I had to leave, found a great new place to bloom, then went back & was able to bloom in the improved environment, and when it changed again, I’ve been able to at least maintain and survive. This post and comments reminds me that I can and will bloom again, whether here or somewhere else.
I understand totally about the anger about leaving a home you put so much effort into. I was married for 18 years and for the longest time I wanted to leave. I eventually made that big step at 58 years old and it was the scariest step I have ever made in my life. I too also packed up my life not knowing what things to take and dealing with a soon to be ex who didn’t want me to leave so his angered built the more I packed. I heard you can’t take this and you can’t take that so I said to myself as long as I am happy leaving I don’t care if I have no furniture or a bed as long as I am out safely. The holidays are the hardest and not having a washer or dryer is annoying since I love to do laundry but it’s just how life is and I wouldn’t change a thing. There are washers and dryers on site where I live and have met so many people by using it. Everyone has a story and you tend to help people in need in the hardest of times and you feel so good about it. Friends become your family and that’s something that is what makes not having things so much easier.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this too.
It is TOTALLY not fair that the other spouse gets to keep more stuff, but I completely agree about the stuff not being nearly as important as your freedom. I wish you so much good as you make your new life, and I hope you'll stick around!