You don't "need" to
In a recent email from James Clear, I read this quote (by him):
The fact that you go to the gym even though you don’t “need” to... is why you don’t need to.
The fact that you save when you could spend... is why you have money to spend.
Your habits create your strength.
I though this was really insightful on a number of levels, and it resonated with me personally, though maybe not in the way he meant it.
I really don't like operating under a bunch of "have-tos". If I'm given the freedom to choose between two things, I will often freely choose the good-for-me things.
BUT.
If I stick a set of rules on myself saying, "You have to choose this good-for-you thing!", then I find myself really wanting to run toward the bad choice.
Now, I usually do end up doing the good-for-me thing, but I might feel miserable about it.
(Because examples are helpful: with no food rules in place, I will cheerfully choose to eat sweet potatoes and a fried egg instead of a doughnut. With food rules in place, the sweet potatoes and fried egg feel like a punishment.)
So basically, if I feel the freedom to choose, I will make the good choice, with a good attitude.
If I don't feel the freedom to choose, I will make the good choice, but often with a bad attitude.
I don't know what this says about me as a person, and maybe it's a character flaw.
Anyway.
This quote from Clear made me realize that I like to live my life so that I feel that freedom to choose as much as possible.
For instance, Mr. FG and I have always spent less than we have made. So, even in our leanest years, we did always have some money in the bank as a backup.
We could have spent more money than we did (there were plenty of apartment options other than our basement apartment!), but since we didn't, we were never living on our last dollar, which gave us freedom.
And I like to approach diet and exercise in a similar way.
I don't have to, but I'm choosing to.
Proactive vs reactive
I think maybe the big difference here is that it feels better (at least to me) to be proactive rather than reactive.
When you're proactive, you feel freedom, and you have the gift of time. And it's a pretty positive, good-attitude place to be.
When you're reactive, you lose the sense of freedom, and you feel rushed and pressured. That feels negative and it gives me a bad attitude.
For example, if you start saving for your next car as soon as the current one is paid for, you will feel so much better when it's time to go car shopping.
But if you only think about car funding once your car gets a terminal diagnosis, you will not have much freedom of choice, and you will probably feel pretty stressed.
Or, for a daily example that's relevant to me:
If I plan my meals ahead of time and shop accordingly (proactive), I feel much better than if I hit 6pm with a hungry family and no plan.
In the latter situation, I have to react to my family's hunger and even if I do make the good choice to cook at home, I'm not going to be feeling very zen about it.
I wonder if this is a thing that varies with personalities. Do some people thrive in a life that's full of reactivity vs. proactivity?
Since I'm firmly in the proactivity camp, it's hard for me to imagine this, but maybe for some people proactivity feels dry and lifeless, and a life of reactivity feels exciting and challenging.
It would be wonderful, I think, to be inclined toward being proactive. I am not naturally that way. At all. Lol I don't know that it is a choice as much as a factory setting. I have taught myself to save, to eat my vegetables, to go for a walk, etc. but those are not my natural inclinations. I like to make big picture plans VERY MUCH, but otherwise I live always in the moment. Consequently, I have all kinds of failsafes that I have established. Several sinking funds in the bank that pull money every week to ensure I can buy Christmas presents, pay property taxes, buy a vehicle, pay quarterly taxes, have money in the winter (seasonal small business), go on vacations, etc. If I had to depend on proactivity to have that money...I would be in serious trouble. My phone has an alarm set for 1:20 pm every single day to remind me the day is passing. I am totally oblivious to the passage of time and I need an alarm to be able to get things done. My calendar reminds me to change the furnace filter, go for a walk, birthdays, when it's time to schedule things, etc. On and on, I have to accommodate my daydreaming, look at the pretty bird, I'll just read for a few minutes, or through the entire night!....personality.
I'm like you. Definitely more reactive. It does "feel" better and more natural to me to be that way. It's kind of exciting; I can't handle constant predictability.
However, I have to force myself to be proactive anyway, like you said. Fail-safe measures are a must. Otherwise chaos will reign. Which does inevitably lead to stress and frustration and feeling out of control, which then spirals me into a flare up of depression/anxiety.
If I want to avoid that I have to force myself to plan ahead. And it has definite rewards! Especially since I have 3 kids depending on me.
But still the hardwiring remains. I'm a push-it-to-the-last-minute, make plans at the last minute kind of person. It is an interesting balance to strive for. Always a challenge, but worth it!
I LOVE the idea of having your phone ring an alarm at 1:30 every day to remind yourself the day is passing!
I have SO MANY alarms set because I am the same ... but that means I’m never late haha (in response to another poster). And I hate having a daily calendar but with kids it’s become necessary ... but once I’ve established I don’t have to drive anyone anywhere I’m good to go.
Do I prefer to be Proactive or reactive?
Well, of course proactive is preferable – planning ahead, preparing, is prudent – Proverbs 6: 6-11.
However, I have not always been the careful planner I might have been. SO, your post has much food for thought.
The best is that while it is today, I can make choices – because I don’t need to, I don’t have to . . . That is a great blessing and privilege denied to many, many people
Planning ahead, being proactive, having a framework in place, reduces stress. Yes, plans can change, unexpected things happen and you have to change or tweak things, but, again, it's less stressful than being reactive!
So interesting. Thanks for laying it out like that. I was born proactive. It works well for me but I realize that others may not be so fond of that approach - like my husband!
Interesting post. I feel like you are comparing two different things, Kristen. You started out by talking about how you like "the freedom to choose". I'm not sure that equates to being proactive or reactive. As a "freedom to choose" person, myself, I know that this boils down to my preference to have as much control over an outcome as possible .... which leads me to choosing to have proactive behavior. However, I've seen many examples of people who like to have control over circumstances who do it reactively, not proactively. Case in point--my aging father responded reactively to health crises when I would have chosen a different path. Instead of seeking out good in-home care options or long-term living options, he stubbornly refused to leave his home until a medical emergency forced the issue. I would have done the former as I would have seen the writing on the wall and wanted to choose my preferred care options for my aging body.
I hope that made sense--in a nutshell, I think many of us like to have control over our circumstances but we choose different paths to get there.
I know! I was pretty meandering in this post because I just kind of sat down and started writing down the thoughts triggered by the quote.
I think that for me, being placed in a reactive situation makes me FEEL like I don't have choices. I feel like my back is against the wall, my options are limited, I don't have time to consider what I want to do, and so on. So, I definitely feel a loss of freedom.
But you are right; for some people, feeling like they have to be proactive could make them feel like their back is up against a wall, like they are being forced to face something they don't need to face right now.
Because I am me, it's hard to imagine feeling constrained by proactivity! Or feeling freedom in a state of reactivity. But that's because I can't get out of my own head, not because those things are an impossibility for someone else.
I feel the same way in a reactive situation as you do. It's probably another of those personality traits that helps us understand each other's mindsets more--my thought process is along the lines of "why wouldn't you want to give yourself time and space to think things through and make choices?" so it's helpful for me to consider that may not be the mental space someone else is in .
Great post! I don't think that it's a character flaw at all, rather just a different personality style.
I thrive in an in-between where it's a choice, but the choice is more absolute. For instance, I tell myself, "I only eat ice cream once every two months." " I get to enjoy one (exercise) rest day every 5 days." I don't put a should, have-to, or must in there, just I do or I don't do things. It makes it very easy for me to follow my own guidelines this way. 🙂
I do see myself being more reactive than proactive, but it's not an unmanageable place for me. Our family has an unofficial motto: NPIA — no plans in advance. It seems like any plan that is made is also remade a dozen times before it's executed, so just don't plan on the plan being the plan. I don't mind even small things like totally winging supper, and sometimes I feel like I'm more open to being generous than I would be if I were sticking to a plan. The only thing I mind about a schedule gone amuck is when it's a sticky problem to reschedule — big drive repeated, or something like that.
Like previous commenter Chris, I'm also time impaired. Unlike Chris, I have only a general sense of the big picture but need a deadline to get things done and never set future-y goals. If I'd realized that with five kids I'd have to deal with a minimum of 14 proms .... well, I'm not sending any of them back, but man, I didn't think of that, and it's probably for the best.
Also, it's very much a "know yourself better" (thank you, Gretchen Rubin, for giving me a name for that) that I make many lists and put anything that has date importance on a wall calendar where it's difficult to overlook.
Yes, I think that diet, exercise, and spending are different kinds of decisions than most. I don’t think of myself as a procrastinator, but I don’t usually make a decision until one is needed, because in the meantime other options or factors often arise. So, as long as I have fresh veggies in my house, I do eat them, I just don’t always know what it will be ahead of time. However we eat a lot of simple things like salads, and you can throw a lot of different things into eggs. My husband and I just aren’t very picky I guess and can eat the same thing many nights in a row.
I hadn't thought about it, but I'm much more proactive so I can have choices and not be forced into a last-minute no option situation. I do this in the way I eat, the way I exercise, the way I keep house, pay bills, etc.
Then I started thinking of people I might describe as reactive, and two people immediately came to mind, but I realized that a better description of them is procrastinators. Now I'm wondering how the two might be differentiated. Are reactive people usually procrastinators? Do any of you reactive types think of yourselves as procrastinators? Or are procrastinators a separate type of reactors? Are the two not even related?
There are some things in which I'll go with the flow, but for most things, I want to know that I have back up, or it's done and taken care of, or it's anticipated and saved for, or that I've already done the hard work to make it possible. I've been criticized for being "worried" or "too cautious" because I want to be prepared -- an example being shopping for Christmas well before December, so that I am not frantically running around at the last minute, throwing money at the gift problem. I don't feel worried or overly cautious; I feel satisfied to know I'm planning ahead, saving myself from stress, and being frugal. I'm not saying I'm better than others just because this is how I do life, but it is better for me as an individual.
I think by nature I am proactive, but by being too busy, I have become reactive and a procrastinator! And then by feeling anxious about it, and overwhelmed, so I might need a nap or to fool around instead of doing what I should do, which compounds the problems. Same with the eating healthy issue. I'm becoming more aware and looking at my patterns and choices. Good post and good comments!
I prefer to be proactive, but it seems that lately, I have been more reactive! I feel that is due to too much stuff on my plate, therefore, "running" constantly and not making "mindful" decisions! I need to regroup and focus, which by the way, happening tonight! yea!
I feel exactly the same way when I have had to be reactive for a while. I feel so unnerved by it, like I need a day to just regroup and get ahead a little bit.
I was a reactive person when I was young but as I got older I became more proactive. I think my career forced me to be proactive at work and then I realized that after a very stressful job I did not want to come home to a house of chaos. I have my husband to thank for that because he placed a high value on having home be a peaceful refuge from the world outside and it did not take me long to embrace that. I don't think you can have peace if you are always reacting to things.
Sometimes, when I feel I don't feel I have a choice, I will make the bad choice just because I can. Gives new meaning to "Give me freedom or give me death." Why on earth would I choose to make a bad choice?
Wondering if you’ve heard of Gretchen Rubin and the Four Tendencies framework? It’s one way of looking at different personalities and how one responds to outer and inner expectations. You might find some interesting insights into this (based on what you’re saying maybe you’re a Rebel??)
Definitely proactive. "No one is coming to save you" is one of my favorite quotes -- if no one is going to swoop in and take care of things for me, it was always only up to me anyway, and there is no reason to delay getting started on what needs to be done -- things are more peaceful that way. No one is suddenly going to meet payroll for me or mow my grass, and I'm the only one who can choose to follow through on a healthy diet and lifestyle to stave off health problems, etc.
I think your example about rules feeling restrictive is not quite the same as being proactive vs. reactive. For me, having rules is a way to be proactive. I'm setting expectations in advance, especially for myself. I agree that rules can backfire and feel like a punishment. But generally, I feel that rules give freedom.
I suffer from anxiety and panic....so proactive is the way to go for me! Although I am nearly " insanely" proactive. So quite frankly, I might just be a solid mess, but I love myself no matter what. LOVING MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT is what I am working on in 2019.
I think reactive for short term, proactive for long-term planning (for instance we have always had life insurance, even when the bank account was in the red) ... until my kid got a type 1 diabetes diagnosis, which is better managed with a strict schedule. Honestly that’s been the toughest part for me: not the carb counting or needles, but the unrelenting necessity of needing to think ahead and plan ... but it’s happening, I am adjusting haha.
Whoops replied under another comment, totes meant that to be its own comment.
In Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies parlance you might be a Questioner (or even a Rebel). Have you taken the test? It’s about how we respond to expectations and is very enlightening!
Ooh, interesting! I'm definitely a Questioner. Thanks for the suggestion.
I have taken it, and I think I came up as something other than a rebel.
I can see some rebel in me, but it comes out in sort an odd way. For instance, even as a kid, I didn't especially like being told what to do, so I made sure to do everything expected of me in order to avoid reminding.
Like, I did all my chores and schoolwork without needing to be reminded, because being reminded felt worse than just telling myself to do the jobs.
So, it's sort of obeying (I do like to meet expectations), but I don't want to be reminded to meet the expectations. I'd rather manage it myself.
Upholder. She's Upholder. 😉
I just came by to say the same! This sounds like a Rebel trait -- one that serves you well!
That's interesting! I'm a rebel. I'm not surprised, and no wonder I have so many problems with this kind of thing.
I think being proactive about finances and frugality allow me to be reactive without the guilt. I have an entertainment budget so I can take my family to the aquarium on a whim. I don't have a habit of impulse shopping so I don't feel guilty about the awesome thing I found at Ikea. I think it's about perspective and the larger picture as well as feeling in control.
Good point! That's another layer to it.
I have read your blog daily for years and enjoyed it very much. You enrich my life. I rarely leave a comment, but this one resonated deeply. Yes, I am in the same camp as you. I eat very nutritious foods that I really, really enjoy! (And occasionally if I want a doughnut, I enjoy it.) My husband and I live our lives much as you and your husband. Thank you for sharing.
I am a very reactive person. It causes me much stress. I am working on behaving in a more proactive manner with the hope that doing so would relieve some stress and allow more spontaneity because I'm not always putting all my energy into reacting! This post gives me so much hope. The comments also give me some really good ideas on how to help myself build systems that promote and support being proactive!
Ouch ouch! You hit me in some places that I’ve been hiding. There are things that I have to remind myself of, so thanks for another reminder. A former boss used to say, “you don’t mean ‘I have to,’ you mean ‘I get to’…“ I would love to eat the donut, but egg and sweet potatoes sounds good if someone else could cook for me. LOL Attitude is so important and I like the perspective that you share with us. More opportunities to be proactive but I hadn’t considered. I choose… I get to…
I am a proactive person when I can be one. I call it "doing my future self a favor".
I'm a little late reading this, but I just wanted to say I love this. Thanks for sharing 🙂