Wistfulness over kids growing up
Reader Rose (we met her, remember?) send me this question:
How do you deal with wistfulness about time passing with your children? My son turned 27 (!!!!!) a few days ago and this evening I was thinking about that sentimental song:
"Where are you going, my little one, little one, where are you going, my baby, my own? Turn around and you're one, turn around and you're two, turn around and you're a young wife with babes all your own. "
[sob]
Now, neither of my children have babes of their own, and heaven knows they still live with me, ha, but I had a good thirty minutes' cry fest over those dang lyrics. I just wanted to know if you had any wisdom to offer. Your thoughts on contentedness have helped me so much over the years, you don't know.
-Rose
Oh man, yes, I think almost every parent has experienced exactly what you are describing.
And we don't even have to have adult children in order to feel this way! I remember feeling wistful, looking at my six-week-old babies and comparing them to their newborn pictures.
You are well ahead of me in the parenting game, as I've only been at this for 22 years.
But I am happy to share what has helped me (and what is currently helping me, as I am in the midst of the nest-emptying stage of life!)
I remember that every stage has good and bad, easy and hard
This is a truth that has carried me through every stage of parenting so far.
No stage of parenting has been 100% easy.
But at the same time, no stage has been 100% hard.
As I look to a time when my kids are all grown and gone, I can see that there are parts that will be hard.
But I also trust that there are parts that will be good! and easy! I know I will experience some upsides that maybe I can't even see or imagine right now.
This is also helpful when I look back with glasses that are too rose-tinted. Were there many good times when my kids were little? Yup.
But that stage wasn't perfect either! There were frustrations and difficulty and exhaustion mixed in too.
So, two things I tell myself:
- don't over-romanticize the past (there was hard back then too!)
- don't over-catastrophize the future (there will be good stuff coming up)
I remember that I did savor times in the past
I think I've told this story before, but during my second pregnancy, my aunt had a sudden emergency hysterectomy, after having had 9 babies.
I was only 22 at the time, but I remember being struck by the thought that there was no guarantee I would have any more babies.
Before that, I'd just sort of taken "more babies" for granted, but really, you never know!
So, once she was born, I snuggled and appreciated that baby as though she was the last baby I would ever have.
And same with the next, and the next (who was, in fact, the last baby!)
Sometimes, I would finish nursing my babies in the middle of the night, burp them, and then just sit there a little longer, memorizing the feeling of their small selves sleeping on my chest.
Anyway, when I wistfully look back at their baby photos, it helps to remember that I appreciated those times...I experienced them fully when they were happening.
I feel the same way when I think back to the hundreds (probably thousands, with all four kids!) of read-aloud sessions we had before naps and before bedtimes.
I don't have to look back and think, "Oh, I wish I had appreciated those times." because I know I did.
I try to enjoy RIGHT now
When my kids were younger, I sometimes would come across even littler pictures of them, from their baby and toddler days, and I'd think, "Oh, they used to be so little! Sigh."
But then I would try to remind myself that RIGHT NOW, at that very moment, my kids were as young as they would ever be.
That moment, that RIGHT NOW, would someday be a time I'd look back on and think, "Oh, my kids used to be so little!"
You know that song lyric that says, "Someday, these will be the good old days..." It's that kind of idea.
My kids are all pretty grown-up right now. But one day, I will look back at 2021 photos and think, "Oh, Zoe looks so young!"
Or I will look back and think, "Ohh, those were fun days when Lisey was still living with us."
If I make sure to appreciate the right-now times in the moment, then I will not look back on them with regret, wishing I'd appreciated them when they were happening.
I try to think of abundance and not lack
Lisey is 20, and as you all know, she's moving out this fall to go to airplane mechanic school.
I know I'm going to be sad about this, and I know I'm going to miss her a lot.
But here is what I try to focus on: a lot of kids move out to go to college when they're 18. If I view it like this, I can think, "We got two whole bonus years with Lisey!"
That thought makes me feel rich in Lisey-time, not poor, you know?
I remember that children growing up is the best possible scenario
You know how on my birthday, I've often said that I am so grateful to be getting older because not everyone gets to have this many birthdays?
In the same way, when I am feeling sad about my children growing up, sometimes it helps to remember that this is the best-case scenario.
Just like I can't stay young forever (it's either grow old or die young!), children can't stay little forever.
And while I think it's fine for me to feel nostalgic, it's also good for me to remember that this whole having-children-who-get-to-grow-up thing?
It's not a privilege every parent gets.
I remind myself that there will always be babies and children around me
Grandchildren are never a guarantee, of course.
But there will always be other babies and children around to love when I need a small-human fix.
My teen self with a neighbor that I babysat
I can volunteer at church in the nursery.
I can volunteer to hold babies in the NICU.
I can help extended family members with their children.
And if my dream job pans out, I can help deliver and take care of other people's newborns as a nurse.
I remember I can always fill my house with people
Maybe my children will eventually be spread out over the world, far away. But that does not mean that I am doomed to have a quiet, empty, sad house.
I can host get-togethers, I can invite friends over, and I can invite people over who need a friend.
If none of my adult kids are around for a holiday one year, I can think of people who don't have family around and invite them over.
If I remember that I have a lot of say over whether my home and life are lonely, that feels a lot less helpless and sad.
I try to remember that "mom" is part of me, not the whole of me
I have been a stay-at-home, work-at-home mom since 1999, and a homeschooling mom since 2004. It's safe to say that I've been swimming in mom life for a long time.
And while "mom" is always a hat I will wear to some extent, it is not the whole definition of me.
I will not cease to be valuable once my kids move out!
I will be a college student, and then a nurse.
I will still be a neighbor, a church member, a friend, a daughter, an aunt, a cousin, a daughter-in-law.
I will still be a writer.
I will still be a person who can contribute valuable things to the world around me.
This kind of goes with the idea of thinking of abundance rather than lack. If I focus on the empty bedrooms in my house, well, we know how that will end.
(Tears. Lots of tears.)
But I focus on all the things that I still am, and all the possibilities that are still open to me, well, that feels way more cheerful and empowering.
I remember that life can be beautiful in many different ways
Was life beautiful when my children were all small? For sure.
But that is not the only way for life to be beautiful.
There was beauty then.
There was beauty in the middle.
There is beauty now.
And there will be beauty in the future.
What makes a beautiful life?
For me, it involves things like a grateful heart, meaningful relationships, and meaningful work. And mercifully, those things are all possible at many different stages.
______
Rose, I don't know if I hit on any of the particular things you are struggling with, but hopefully I did!
And before I open up the floor for questions, I want you and other readers to know that I understand the wistfulness.
I experience it myself (especially as I've been going through my archives recently!), so I'm sharing the stuff in this post as someone in the trenches with you, not as someone who magically feels 100% hunky-dory about my children growing up.
Readers, how do you deal with wistfulness over your children growing up?
P.S. I think I made this clear, but just in case: I think it's totally normal to be sad over children growing up and moving out; it means you love your kids. And I also think that it's good to focus on things that help keep us feeling hopeful, thankful, and not-helpless.
All of what you said. 🙂 I cherish each stage, and don't waste time wishing they would grow up faster. Even those teen years, I look back and smile at times when they brought friends over and they ate SO MUCH FOOD.
And yes: some don't have the experience of motherhood.
I have a sign in my home office "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened". That helps when I'm sad because so many of the stages are over. But I'm excited to see what stages are in the future.
@MommaL,
I have that same sign! It's great advice!
I was an older mother and I had fertility issues according to some. I was blessed with three children and those pregnancies were very difficult. Between the births of my girls my brother killed himself. That drove me to enjoy my last child even more. Although I wanted more children my marriage wasn't good and with all the issues with eclampsia and HELP syndrome there would be no more.
Some days were very difficult as my son was on the spectrum but I had worked as a special education teacher put me in the best position to help him. Like you I used to make time to watch my darlings sleep. All the difficult parts of the day faded and a peace would fill my soul.
Now my children are grown. My eldest girl is pregnant with a girl that is due in three weeks or so. She has worked long and hard and has two bachelors degrees and a masters. This baby is a dream she thought she would never achieve. Her husband had studied to be a Roman Catholic priest. He never expected to have a child and his parents are over the moon. What a joy. My son will be 30 this year. He works as a contract chef. It suits him well. He worked through so many difficulties to earn his qualifications. I think he has worked the hardest of the three. Because of his working situation I now see him for a lot in a week or so and then he is off again. He is exploring Australia. He has worked in settlements in the far north and in the central dessert, from Uluru to the Barrier Reef and some rough spots such as mining camps and other delights like the QANTAS museum in outback Queensland. My youngest was a rebellious teen and a young mum. This girl has found lovely young man who is now her husband and they work hard and long. He is the my granddaughter's biological father and between them they faced so much hurtful advice. My daughter has turned her life around and is now studying a double bachelor's course to become a teacher. Their little girl is my delight. She is well mannered and I treasure every moment with her. I have been known to watch her sleep after a stressful morning.
Every day I try to praise God for my children and ask for his divine presence to guide them and keep them in his love. Today my youngest and I went to a movie. She told me some of the wilder things that their brother had done! I am glad there were some secrets then because I would have been ballistic!
Life is a journey and sometimes the ride is scary and often there are quieter times too. Enjoy what you can and be thankful for the good that is there.
Beautiful as always Frugal girl! A (possibly) tough topic to tackle given the wide audience that you have and trying to make a very beautiful point while not offending someone/making them sad, etc. I very much agree all the way with you. I think these points could be applied to life in general, not just wistfulness in motherhood. My own children are 11/7/and 5 and come with challenges right now (moody pre-teen, arguments between themselves, etc) but overall are in such a delightful stage. I too look back at things with 'too rose colored glasses' often and on the flip side, I'm glad my memory selectively chooses to remember the positive things most. Such a great reminder to me today to soak in life where I'm at and embrace whatever is being given to me today
Thank you for writing this. You've managed thoughtful and sensitive discussion of a topic that is hard to verbalize. As always. 🙂
Kristen, this is absolutely beautiful!
I concur on all levels!
My son is 15 now. I can honestly say I have enjoyed every stage since we adopted him at age 2.
I work in a pediatrics practice where we take care of kids with special medical needs. Many of these kids will never have the opportunity to live independent of their parents. I try very hard to remember that, and not get stuck feeling melancholy about my growing teenager.
I so appreciate and enjoy these introspective posts. You are my favorite blogger, for sure ! ☺️
My daughter will be entering Kindergarten in a few months and holy cow am I having a hard time with it! I think a lot of the problems I'm having are because of how difficult it was for me as a kid (believe it or not, most of my childhood years were spent mostly friendless, bullied, ) so the letting go and allowing her to do things on her own is tough, especially in situations where I failed so badly as a kid - and to an extent as an adult (being social, making friends.)
On the 4th of July I got to spend some time with my niece (who is one.) She was cranky and overtired and I was able to take her off into a quiet part of the yard I was at, sit on the bench swing with her and just rocked her to sleep. It's the little moments like that I miss (though not enough to have another child as that isn't really in the cards for my wife and I.)
So yeah, it's nice to have her at this age and it's difficult but a different kind of difficult from when she was little. I was talking with my wife just yesterday how it was easy when we could put her in the pack and play and get stuff done whereas now is the "take three times as long to have her badly fold the towels but not criticize her as we want her to know the value of being a contributing member of the family. I also got to keep up with my shows back then. I don't get to watch much TV now that isn't a kids' show. LOL
My mother left me with a couple of wisdom nuggets I cherish, and one deals directly with the wistfulness thing. When I was looking at my eldest who was beginning to be a toddler, I told her I was sad because he wasn't a little baby anymore and that he was growing up. She said, "Oh, Jody, don't be sad. Each stage has its joys, and you wouldn't want to keep him a baby and miss the joys that are coming." And I listened because she had 3 grown daughters plus grandchildren nearly grown. I didn't listen to all of her advice, but I listened to that one, and it has never let me down.
But if you want a wistful, tear-jerking moment, read (or re-read) the last couple pages of _Little House in the Big Woods_. (At least, it is for me.)
@Jody S., You are so right about Little House in the Big Woods, that ending always gets me crying. It did back when I first read the books as a child in the 70's, and when I read them to my son 10 years ago. He's now 20. He didn't really understand why I got so choked up at those words (he's sensitive, but not sentimental) but I'll bet some day, if he has a child of his own to read them to, he'll understand.
Kristen, this was well said. I appreciate that you are looking to the different beauty of the future. My nest is mostly empty. I have a special daughter who will not be able to live on her own but that is a different beauty, too. When my sons were growing up and leaving home I thought it was the worst time of life. I wanted what we had before, never realizing the beauty of what was ahead. There’s a song that says, “Can the sparrow ever learn to fly if the nest is all it knows? Can the arrow ever reach its mark by remaining in the bow? We have to let them go.” On the other side of letting go is so much beauty. I thought life was over. There is so much ahead. There is sadness in letting go. There are tears to be shed and we can’t help but feel all that but there is beauty ahead with those same children. Would we really want them to stay babies forever? What kind of life would that be for them? I love this stage of life with my kids. Coming home for visits is so sweet, grandchildren are joy unspeakable, seeing my sons be good husbands, loving their wives and children. And I get to do things I never could before: ministering to younger women, housekeeping is easier than ever, traveling with my husband and daughter. Enjoying right now!
I find that the holidays awaken these wistful feelings. I miss the traditions and the excitement associated with these special days. There is something so magical about enjoying a parade or seeing the fireworks through the eyes of a child.
My 3 children are now adults ranging in age from 29-35, yet I still feel like they are my babies. They have grown into happy, healthy people, and I am thankfully still a part of each of their lives. There are times when I feel nostalgic about the things we shared together when they were younger — family game night, long days at the beach, camping trips, hiking, baseball games and so forth. These were some of the best days of my life. However, I honestly don’t miss the laundry, cooking, cleaning or the constant stress of parenthood. Being a good mom is one of the most difficult jobs ever!
There is still much to look forward to. I just helped my eldest purchase an engagement ring for his intended. My daughter will soon receive her doctorate. My middle son is always doing something challenging having thru-hiked the Pacific Crest Trail and the Appalachian Trail. Our lives are dynamic but the love is constant. Our bond is unbreakable — even when they are thousands of miles away.
I don't think I have ever been sad that my sons (just turned 30 and 33) grew up. My "job" as a Mom was to raise two children with good morals that could survive on their own. Mission accomplished. I certainly enjoyed the process (most of the time), but I wanted them to move on and be the adults that they are supposed to be. They know they are loved and that I am here if they need me.
See, this is why I asked you, Kristen. Because I knew you'd give a great answer. Thanks so much and I'm going to remember this. It's so funny sometimes where we read or hear things that really stick with us. In a blog mostly about frugality, help with wistfulness and contentment. Most people who know me in real life don't realize how sentimental I am.
And you're right--my younger brother was hit by a car and killed when he was 15 (I was 22), and it changed my mother profoundly from a happy-go-lucky, easygoing type. (Of course it changed all of us, and basically destroyed my happy nuclear family--that said we older kids were 24, 22, and 20, so growing up and leaving anyway, but my mother most of all.) So I can get a bit weepy about my 27 year old, but that's many more years than my mom got with my younger brother.
Love to you all.
My kids, by the way, have been living with me for the past 1.5 years because of the pandemic. They were NYC-based but their colleges went online-only and it was much cheaper and safer to have them out here. My daughter is going back to school in NYC this autumn, and my son, who just graduated (yes both of them are taking the scenic route through college, eyeroll) is looking for his first "real" job on Wall Street. He promises me a late model midpriced sedan when he makes his first couple billion. Yep, he's a snarky guy too. But handsome as anything and smart and I could go on forever.
What a nice bonus time with them! A pandemic silver-lining.
I hope you get your late-model sedan very soon. Ha.
@Rose, my daughter is returning to NYC next month for her final year of college. She attends a school in the financial district. We should talk! 🙂
I remind myself it is also ok to have to feelings, sometimes you may miss certain times, but that’s because you love your kids. I make yearly family memory books. Upload my pics, make a digital book and have it printed. I greatly enjoy looking at those. Also journaling may help. Write your feelings and memories about your kids, if you want you can even make a journal about each kid and give it to them one day. All your special memories of them, how they were at a certain age. Fun experiences. I do feel wistful at times, which I think is fine! I think on. My memories and then think on what I have now!
Yep, exactly. I think it's normal and healthy to feel sad about changes; we grieve the loss of what we love!
It just helps me to remember that there will always be things to love in the next chapters of life too.
@Kristen, One of the best parenting tips I ever got was from the then Natural Baby Catalog, which no longer exists. The owner wrote a kind of newsletter each month. Her advice was: write down the cute things your children say, because you WILL forget. This was 1994, before social media, of course. My children's quotebook is one of the things I will rescue from a fire.
Now when my kids say something funny, which they do all the time, I brag about it on Facebook. I'm slightly famous among acquaintances for having such funny kids.
Thank you for the question, Rose, and thank you for the answer, Kristen.
I am an empty nester. I normally only find myself wistful at Christmas - a holiday when we used to always be together all day and celebrate together. Now, we get together for part of the day and the rest of the day is quiet with just the two of us. My kids have in-laws who also want to spend time with them and the grandkids, so I can't demand that they spend all day with us.
But I am lucky enough to have a good relationship with my kids . Not everyone gets to have this, sadly. It takes continuing work on my part to maintain this relationship -- keeping my mouth shut and letting them be adults is hard sometimes-- but it's worth it. I truly enjoy my relationship with my grown children. I know they work on their end to maintain that relationship as well. Sometimes I can almost feel the eye rolls they are doing behind their ever-patient texts or phone calls when Mama once again forgets that they are grown ups. 🙂 I find the sadness of having my kids grow up and move out is balanced by the joy of getting to know them and enjoy them as adults.
I'm also lucky enough to have grandkids. They help fill that longing for little ones in the house again, while simultaneously reminding me how much work little ones can be!
Kristen, thank you for taking time to go through this thoroughly and sensitively. I agree with this so much.
Well said!!! THanks for such an inspiring post!
This is beautifully written!
I don’t have kids and never will, but your thoughts can apply to many areas of life, from the house that was the favourite home, the jobs, the friends, the holidays… Remembering to enjoy things in the moment can be hard, but is rewarding. I welcome the reminder to recall that none of the past was perfect, and shouldn’t be judged negatively against the now or vice versa.
The post makes me think of the Trace Adkins song You’re Gonna Miss This…
You're gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this
@Victoria, Ha. I sing this allll the time. Usually as a joke with my husband when we're in the middle of some awful parenting thing we're dealing with--toddler tantrums, a four-child screaming cage-fight, etc.--but it's a little bit of a bittersweet joke.
Also, “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof.
“I don’t remember growing older
When did they?”
I think they write songs like those just to make us cry. Ha.
Very timely as I am in the midst of preparing for my oldest to leave for college. One of the surprising blessings of covid and all that went with it was that we spent a lot of time together as a family this past year. We are a pretty tight unit all of the time, but a typical high school senior year would have been doing lots activities with his classmates. Instead, we got creative and found fun things to do together and I'm super grateful for the bonus time we have had. One of the things I've tried to keep in mind is that at some point I'll be connecting with my kids as adults, so it's important to build a good foundational relationship now for the future. Something that I'm happy I did was to have my son be my "plus one" to attend a wedding of a friend in Canada. My son had always wanted to go to Canada and at 15, I was struggling with ways to connect with him. It was just the two of us--we had a blast together and it's a fun memory that we share. I think it also helped us to have some extended, non-pressured time to talk together--ever since then, it seems like conversation flows more easily.
Anyway, I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this! I'm trying to see the opportunity in the months ahead (we can visit a beautiful area when we visit him at college .... maybe I can finally get the new carpeting I've been wanted for forever ....) instead of just the sadness. I've also been thinking of my mom's song for these times from Fiddler on the Roof--Sunrise, Sunset--"Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers, blossoming even as we gaze". I understand her connection to that song so much more now than I ever did!
P.S. I could read your post on your other site, and I did comment, though I don't see that yet.
Ugh. I have just sent that company an email to let them know I want out. Too many problems that keep going unsolved!
@Kristen,
Just curious... Do you at least see the comments even though they don't show up for everyone else?
I do! I can see them on my dashboard even when they're not showing up for you guys.
This is a beautiful post. I am crying. I am days away from being 61. I never had children (my plan since age 12 and have never regretted it). This post applies to me as well as those with children. It applies to me as all the things that I am - wife, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, coworker, volunteer. Life is 50/50, good and bad. Savor the moments. They don't come back and the next isn't guaranteed. Thank you so much for this post.
My four sons are now grown and working full-time jobs, with two married and with families of their own. It has been a joy to see what they have chosen to do in life, to see how they have embraced and respected the way they were raised and the impact that our raising has had on the next generation. Two sons have always known what they wanted to do in life and ran with that vision in mind, while two struggled some with life decisions, but even then to see how they eventually came around to pursue their passions after a few hiccups has been refreshing.
I read this quote from Erma Bombeck before my oldest was born and the idea has always stuck with me: “Children are like kites. You spend years trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you are both breathless. They crash...they hit the roof...you patch, comfort and assure them that someday they will fly. Finally, they are airborne. They need more string, and you keep letting it out. They tug, and with each twist of the twine, there is sadness that goes with joy. The kite becomes more distant, and you know it won't be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that binds you together and will soar as meant to soar...free and alone. Only then do you know that you have done your job.”
My husband and I chose to raise our sons with this focus: a relationship with God, service to others, and strong family ties. Now it's time for us to be able to focus on each other. Within the next 10 years we'll probably be retired and we are exploring ideas of what that will look like. And I imagine it will be reassuring knowing that we produced children who, while not perfect by any means (I know - I lived with them, ha!) have a strong work ethic and sense of responsibility.
Kristen- this is probably my favorite post of yours EVER. There is just so much wisdom and truth and I am crying typing this.
My son is 5 years old and starts kindergarten this August. He is likely the only child we will have and is a straight up medical miracle. I count every passing moment and try to mark it in some way as I know that these are days that I will never get to relive. The best description I have ever heard about parenting is that the days are long and the years are short. I am trying to soak up every moment - the exhaustion, joy, laughter...all of it. Cheers to all the parents out there who have done and are doing the same thing - I will be crying all the Mama tears on the first day of school right along side you.
My son goes to Ohio State, which is 2000 miles away from our home. When he left at 18, I was very sad...but we continued on to a new normal with Facetime calls every day or two. This August, he moves into his first apartment at school. He and his roommate are buying their own furniture and putting it together (so parents are not invited to fly there and help.) I struggled with this a bit because I want to help and I want to be there and see his new place. Next summer, my son won't come home because he will be going to officer basic training and not sure if he will be able to talk with us. The following year he graduates...then moves on to the Army. No idea when I will be able to see or talk to him. I just have faith that we will make an effort to talk and catch up and see each other whenever we can. in the mean time, I will save our vacation money so we can go see my son wherever he ends up getting stationed.
Good timing for this conversation as I have just transitioned into being done with babies, toddlers, and diapers. We are in a new phase! I often think of how you say that nothing is all good and nothing is all bad. Something that's been helpful for me as I *really* love these little kid stages that are slipping away is to intentionally think about and celebrate new things that can only happen because my kids are getting older. My oldest kid was actually helpful with setting up the tent a couple of weeks ago! Our last trip to the zoo lasted 4-5 hours instead of 2 because my youngest is occasionally able to power through without a nap. Extra fun time! Going to the pool is so much easier when multiple kids can dress themselves! Being intentional about noticing these things makes me appreciate the growing up a lot more than I would without this practice.
Perfect timing, on my second son's 19th birthday!! I am finally at a point where I feel a little excited (almost!) about the future. I'm taking classes, working part-time, and I recently started hiking for the first time in a very long time. I'm feeling a little taste of freedom now that my kids don't depend on me so much. I hope with all my heart that they stay close to me because they are my absolute favorite people. But I'm starting to feel like I'll be okay ❤️.
Man, I’m a pro at this topic. I’m a sentimental person about my kids. They are 41, 38, 35, and 31. My six grandchildren are 12, 9, 7, 6, 6, and 5. I miss my kids being small. I miss the school functions, the rambunctious family life, their little interests, all of it. I have this back through my grandkids now, I’m so lucky in that they all live nearby! And I see them very often.
BUT. I miss being a MOM.
@SandyH,
you will always be a mom. but i know what you mean. my 10 year old son has his last year of elementary school next year. i already miss his teachers.
I don't have any magical wisdom to impart. I struggle with this too, especially if I pull out the photos. Our kids are 29, 25, 23, 21. The youngest will go to his senior year of college this fall, and I have recently really had the sense that we are "done" parenting. Oh those days were long, and every stage had its pros and cons, but I have to be careful not to let my wistfulness turn into regret--analyzing everything and wishing I had done things better/differently/etc. It is what it is. My kids aren't perfect--and either was their mom. But they are all grown, responsible, loving, successful adults. Do I love all their choices? Nope! But I love them. They're mine and, for some reason, God thought I'd be the perfect mom for THEM and that's good enough for me. These days my "momming" includes lots of prayer, occasional advice, and enjoying being their dad's wife because, even after 33 years, I really, really like him A LOT. 🙂
@Jen,
You said this perfectly, like what I would nearly say. My husband and I just had our 33rd. Our kids are 29, 28, 24, 21. We are fortunate that our 2 older children who are married and with young children each live less than 3 miles away. Our 2 youngest still live at home. The plan is that the youngest will move into his grandparent's house when they can't live there any more. Even though that house is 2 miles away, I think that will be hard for me. But I know it's a part of life and it will be another "season" I will have to get use to.
This was such an excellent post. I almost didn't read it since I am childfree (by choice), but I'm glad I didn't miss it! There is so much wisdom here that's relevant to anyone human. The points about enjoying all the "right this minutes" throughout one's life, and the awareness that the future will be a mix of good and bad just like the past are real gems.
Thank you for this beautiful and timely post! It really resonates with me as my sons will be moving out together, about 2.5 hrs away. One will finish up his last 2 years of college attending on campus classes but living in an apartment with his older brother, after 1.5 years of virtual learning from home. My older son, who is much less independent than his brother, will graduate next month and begin working in his field. I’ll be home alone a lot, as my husband started a new job in long distance driving. It will be a big adjustment for me! I’m a big introvert, but I love my family. I will try to focus on the positive. Not every parent gets to see their children grow up and spread their wings. That is not lost on me!
Thank you for this post Kristen. As always, you've thought it through before writing it down. What you write rings quite true to me!
Whilst reading, I was reminded however of an old friend who with her much loved husband never had the privilige and good fortune to have children. She has been a widow now for many years and is a delightful and deeply loved friend to many (and indeed, at 88, still a student as well!)
She once said to me that she felt sad because it was not only just the hard years of her husbands illness that faded away in the past, but also the blissfully happy years they had together through a long and devoted marriage. So I am tempted to stress the Right Now bit. Knowing that the sharp edges of pain will slowly become duller, but also that happiness cannot be relived as buoyantly as it was first experienced.
This topic really resonates. I frequently cry over my daughter growing up. It is a big problem for me.
I think there are so many posts and things written about treasuring your children’s fleeting childhoods that it is good to also read things that remind you of the other perspectives, too. I’m sure my parents and grandparents had some wistfulness; but I think they were too busy just managing life to focus on it so much. I can’t remember them ever becoming as overwrought as I do.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. They will be helpful to reread when the feelings strike.
A dear friend once said: “Every age is my favorite age” and it really stuck with me. I was holding my firstborn who was no longer newborn and sobbing over that fact (post pardum depression, anyone?) and then it hit me - ALL of it is fun. ALL of it is hard. ALL of it is everything in between. Yes, snuggly babies are awesome. But so are expressive 2 year olds and thoughtful 3 year olds and…and…. Every time I think of parent saying to me “that was my favorite age and now (in disgust) they’re teenagers” I get sad for them. Because, “every age is my favorite age.”
It helps that I continue to be proud of the life my daughter has and is building even though she is now in her 50's.
Among my professional duties is managing a very challenging volunteer program which requires quite a bit of training to participate. It is very typical for people to come to us when they are at transition points--parents sending kids off to college, people at retirement, and sometimes even widows and widowers ready to introduce some new joy into their lives. I really treasure watching our volunteers blossom in ways they never even imagined as they step out of roles they have filled for many years.
@Jenny, what a beautiful program! That must give you a lot of pleasure.
This hit me right where I am in life. My oldest graduated from high school last month and is going (far) away to college next month. I'm going to miss her so much, but know it's the right thing for her to do. Thankfully my son is 14, so I'll still get to have him with me for a little while longer. I appreciate the wisdom and comfort in this post, and in all the comments that everyone has made.
I appreciate how you pointed out that there's always kids somewhere. While I've often wished I had more kids, I think it's helped me appreciate my many nieces and nephews more. I also find myself reaching out and enjoying other people's babies. Just because they're not my baby, doesn't mean I can't enjoy them.
This is absolutely lovely!
My kiddos are 13 and nearly 10. I've never been a "baby" person - I got through the baby stage because it was necessary, but what I was really looking forward to is having tweens, teens, and adult children.
I think this was shaped strongly by my own mother - she talked and talks frequently about how much she enjoyed having children old enough to talk, to have real conversations with, how she enjoyed discovering who we were, these people she'd been blessed to parent. She thinks small children are cute, but kind of in the way someone might think a puppy is cute! What she really loves is having deep conversations with these people whose lives she's shaped (no big shocker here, but she's a retired college professor and a still-practicing nurse practitioner who has specialized in geriatrics her whole career!), and hearing their stories.
So although I don't have anything specific to add to Kristen's excellent advice, what I do have is another perspective - sometimes we focus so strongly on our children's childhoods that we forget the point of parenting is to raise adults! Remember how exciting it was to be at the stage your young-adult children are now, really discovering the world, their place in it, and how they can contribute to society.
I just bagged up my last few diapers to give to a friend because our youngest just got fully potty trained, and took my oldest to get his driver's license today. So this was very timely. Despite having awesome parents and being encouraged in being friends growing up, the sibling relationship between myself and three brothers, and especially them and our parents is a fairly distant one, and I'm trying not to "borrow trouble" and wonder if my children will follow that path. The reminder to savor the time as it comes was timely, and it is definitely exciting to see these kids grow toward being adults I look forward to knowing. One day at a time and trust, and smile a lot! I want them to remember a happy mommy and a happy home!
My son is 28, married & I have a 3 yr old grandson...so I am pretty happy to have him all grown up. I loved the time I had with him as he grew but I love this time just as much, if not more. I realize what a good relationship I have with him & his wife. I get to spend lots of time with my grandson doing all of those little boy things I miss without all the weight of responsibility...it is wonderful. And it is hard at times too.
But I think I learned very early in life to face hard things head on...not to dwell on past mistakes or past triumphs. I do my best to live in the moment....I plan & hope for the future but I don't hang my hopes because I have no control really on what other people choose to do...including my children.
The actual transition times are the hardest. But as soon as the move is made, don't sit in it. As your children move on so should we. I remember on my son's wedding day....as she walked down the aisle to my son, I chose to let go. I chose to move on to the next step in my own life so that he could have the best of the stage he was in without me causing any worry. I watched his face instead of the bride...I watched his love for her, his joy in making his own new family. It was excruciating to say the least but I do believe learning to let go in those transitions gives us space for all the new things that come into our hearts.
"How lovely to sit here in the shade. With none of the woes of man or maid. I'm glad I'm not young anymore..."
From the musical GIGI. It's actually all about oldsters. Great musical and great film starring Leslie Caron and Louis Jourdan. And Maurice Chevalier.
This was a wonderful, honest post. Thank you. I am struggling with this right now, and this has truly helped me.:)
Oh, I am so glad it was helpful to you.
Wow. You are the best. I admire you so much. My kids are 10 and 13 and I am retired. I get to spend a lot of time with them. I want them to have wings but so far they are happy with me. I married late and we had kids in an unusual way. They are in effect being raised by grandparents even though I am their mom.
This year my daughter will have her Bat Mitzvah. I expected tears and resistance but she practices every week, and the Cantor called her awesome which she is. My mom was 30 when she had me and passed when I was 20. I hope my kids grow to remember me lovingly.
Our lives are different in every possible respect, but this post and what you write generally really resonates with me. An attitude of gratitude is the most important element of a happy life in my opinion.
This is an A+ blog.
I so agree; gratitude does not change circumstances, but it does definitely change the way that I view them!
Our oldest daughter married and our youngest daughter moved out in the span of 18 months. After being around them them 24/7, we homeschooled as well, I hit a wall of depression and slept for 6 weeks . It was good, weird, and calming all at the same time. I don’t ever feel wistful, as they have gone and done what we had taught them to do. Be independent. I get to see #1 and her 3 kiddos all the time. #2 has moved back home after a bad experience, and it is good for all of us that she is here. It’s no longer 24/7, but just enough to keep me from the wishes of yore! I loved the fact of being mom, but ever so glad they are who they are and I get to be in their lives now.
Bookmarking this to read again. We're sending our last to college in a few weeks, and it's hard knowing it's the end of this life phase. Thank you.
I'd like to add that social media doesn't help much. Seeing posts of others with their grandchildren nearby, etc. Its healthier for me and my jealousy to stay off of those posts.
I love your perspective on this. My kids are 15, 12, 10 and almost 5. I've been sad about them growing up their whole lives. It's time for me to live in the moment with them and be grateful for the time we share. My littlest is nervous about starting kindergarten next week. I should not be adding to her distress with my sadness of losing her for three hours a day. I needed to read this!
Thank you for this, Kristen! I read this a few nights ago as I grumpily nursed my 4 month old in the middle of the night—but it was a wonderful reminder to treasure the little, middle of the night moments with my son instead of resenting them. Since then, I’ve tried to do what you mentioned: take a minute after burping him to soak in the moment and realize it will be gone before I know it.
As always, I so appreciate your perspective!
Aww, I am so glad that you've been able to appreciate some baby snuggles in the middle of the night.
And just so you know, I think that this is a both/and type of thing; you can feel exhausted by the frequent middle of the night feedings AND also appreciate the snuggly little person in your arms.
But one day when the feedings are over, I think you will be glad you managed to store away some of those snuggle memories. I know I am!
How is your son doing? We don't really hear about him much anymore. I hope he's well! Thanks for sharing your family with us these years!
Thanks so much for asking. I wrote about that at the end of this post, and unfortunately, I don't have any positive updates since then. https://www.thefrugalgirl.com/qa-kids-marriage-and-money/
My daughter is starting kindergarten tomorrow. I feel very, very happy for her - I love her teacher, feel great about her school, and am feeling remarkably calm about the whole thing. Given the fact that I’m generally a fairly anxious person, it’s wonderful to feel calm and good about this. I’m feeling a bit sad at the same time though - this is the beginning of real school, and I know how quickly time is about to pass. I bookmarked this post a few weeks ago, knowing I was going to need it, and I just want to say thanks. You made me feel a bit better on a day when I’m feeling quite wistful myself.