Want to be content? Look at your life through someone else's eyes.
When I wrote my series about contentment, one of the things I mentioned was looking at people with less instead of focusing on people who have more.
This is probably the most misunderstood aspect of that series*, and as I've been pondering this of late, I realized that maybe I just did a poor job of explaining what I meant.
(*Well, that and the misconception that contentment means never trying to better your situation or fix problems!)
When I wrote that post, I wasn't encouraging you to look at people with less so that you can feel superior. Snobbery and pride aren't really improvements over a discontented attitude, after all.
What I was trying to say is this:
It's helpful (and often humbling!) to look at our lives through someone else's eyes.
For instance, I've shared before that it's easy for me to be discontent with my house. The home style is pretty much the only one in the world I strongly dislike, I don't have a pantry, I don't have a master bathroom, and I could go on.
But when I think about how a homeless person or someone in a slum would view my house, I am immediately ashamed of myself.
They wouldn't see the lack of a master bathroom...they'd see the TWO bathrooms I have. They wouldn't see the small kitchen or the tiny foyer...they'd see safe shelter from cold and wind and rain and sun.
For me, that's a good reality check, and it opens my eyes to what I really do have.
Also, as I mentioned in the initial post, I find it to be super helpful to try on the eyes of people in history.
For instance, I have awfully bad eyesight, and every now and then, I feel sorry for myself because I've had to wear glasses or contacts for all but 6 years of my life. Sometimes it's just feels like a big, expensive headache.
But if I think about what someone from ancient history with poor eyesight would think of me, and I realize how silly I am being.
They wouldn't complain about fogged-up glasses or the irritation of having to clean contact lenses every single day...they'd probably just be over the moon about being able to see clearly at all!
As another example, I am frequently tempted to complain about the pain that grocery shopping is. It seems to take forever, it's lots of work, and it just. keeps. needing to be done.
However, when I imagine how people from the past would view my grocery store shelves, which are teeming with food that I did not have to plant, water, weed, and harvest, I feel ridiculous and I realize that grocery shopping is an awfully easy way to procure food.
This can be helpful for all sorts of discontent, I think. If you're in a job you dislike, consider how an unemployed person might view your situation. If you're having an exhausting day of parenting, think about how someone struggling with infertility might see your day.
I'm not trying to say that parenting isn't hard or that all jobs are lovely or that my house is actually super fantastic. We live in an imperfect world and we all have things in our lives that are not marvelous.
To say otherwise would be delusional.
But seeing my circumstances through someone else's eyes helps to open my own eyes to the blessings that I have. It clears the discontented fog away, giving me a clear view to appreciate what I've got.
And that helps me to be content.
Very insightful post today. It is a good reminder for all of us. I always try to remember that there are always people that have bigger problems than me and are going through worse or harder things. This is good to also remember that we are fortunate and have a lot. For example, We must all have computers, or a phone or a tablet just to be able to read your post. I love your blog and look forward to reading it every day. Thanks.
Yes, this is true. I'm a stay-at-home, homeschooling Dad, mostly because I can't find a job, and we have a conviction to try our best not to put our little ones in daycare. We are stretched (to put it mildly) financially by having only one income, but I also realize that I am blessed to be able to have so much time with my four daughters - not many Dads get that opportunity. So, you're right, it's easy to focus on what we don't have, when rather, we should always be thankful for what we do.
Another point to help discontentment, I have found, is to remember that things are not always as they seem. Just because it looks like your friends all have happy marriages does not mean they do. Growing up I had a neighbor that was 'the model family' of the area, however I was friends with the son and heard stories that would have made the adults of the area cringe. It is impossible to know all sides of any story, but it is a safe bet that if someones life is 'perfect' it really isn't so don't wish for your life to be something that isn't real to begin with.
I thought you explained it well in the first post and did a great job expanding on it in this follow-up post. I am guilty of feeling the same as you some times...and probably most are if they are honest. I try to remind myself that if my glass is what seems half full....then I just need to put it in a smaller glass! I am so incredibly blessed....am blessed every day in so many ways. I know that God just wants me to notice....and then be thankful.
Oh! I've never thought of "put it in a smaller glass." I LOVE this! Thank you. It'll be what I think of in the future 🙂
YES!!! I'm a professional organizer, and this is often one of my tactics to help people shed their belongings. Gratitude for what you have is everything 🙂
This is especially true for me when it comes to my children - after dealing with tantrums, fights, and time-outs (sometimes it feels like all I do is get on to them all day long!). Recently a woman I know carried her baby almost to full-term, knowing that it would not survive. She finally had him and he only lived about an hour. I just can't imagine going through something like that. And it made me ashamed to complain about the frustrating moments with my kids. Moments like those pretty much serve as a reminder that we all have so much to be thankful for.
What a timely post! I've been forced to take on another job, essentially tripling my hours from 10 hrs/week to 30/hrs a week, just to pay for the "affordable" health insurance (that we used to be able to pay for with me working just 10 hours week). I have complained and complained about this new job. But, it's within walking distance of my house, I can wear jeans, and is perfectly suited to my abilities. How would a person who has been unemployed for a long time view me? As spoiled! Thanks for the attitude adjustment!
Another reason to stop looking at people who have more, is to avoid the invidious comparisons. People tend to rate well-being in relative terms (I have more/less than the Joneses) than in absolute terms (I have a hundred things that were unavailable or luxury goods for my parents). So if you look to those who have more, you're more likely to feel deprived and discontented.
Yep...it's really helpful to see your life through the eyes of those with less, and it's equally unhelpful to look through the eyes of those with more!
What I see here is someone with good old fashioned Common Sense, something that is sadly lacking nowadays.
Well done Kristen.
Most of what we have now is unimaginable luxury to people in other times and places. Henry VIII lived through a mini ice age and he didn't have central heat and he was a king. I had a cookbook that belonged to my great grandmother and the recipe for roast chicken included directions to pluck and scald the chicken that was dispatched a little while earlier. I think of that and am very grateful for boneless skinless chicken breast.
I love this post. It is beautifully written. I imagine how others would view our homes and neighborhoods when we return from a trip. After returning from a wonderful trip to Spain and Morocco, I was walking down the street after having dropped the kids at the bus stop and imagined how those people would feel about our front lawns. They suddenly seemed enormous! Our houses here with only one person per bedroom would be hotels in some parts of the world.
This is a great perspective for everyone, especially children. Thanks for sharing.
It's like that Louis C.K. bit where he talks about explaining to his daughter--who I think was worried her sister had more food than her--that the only time you should ever look in your neighbor's bowl is to see if they have enough, not to see if you have as much as they do.
We've had a lot of that "He has more!" going on in the house lately (which, yes, 4yo child, your 10yo brother *does* get a bigger first helping than you, because he eats more), so this is something we've been talking about a lot.
I know someone who, in a similar situation, would tell his kids "You each have the same amount - as much as you need." (OTOH, I don't know if it actually helped calm the kids down.)
Thank you for the reminder. I need this one on a regular basis. After many years of financial prosperity, my family has been struggling a bit for the last year and a half, due to my being laid off. I was the major breadwinner and have not been able to replace my former income. Watching savings balances decrease is sometimes depressing, and I am definitely guilty of a "poor-me" attitude at times, over the most ridiculous things! For example, at a baby shower for my cousin a few months ago, two other cousins were talking about their handbags, which were both the same brand. I went home feeling sorry for myself because I really can't afford that kind of bag, and carry a thrift store purse I paid $4 for - which I love and get many compliments on! And I don't even like the kind of bag my cousins have! So silly....I am so blessed. And really, who cares about a stupid purse?
I am grateful for this post this morning. I worked car line at my kid's school this morning with two other comparatively wealthy people. I watched lots of luxury vehicles go by and kids get out of cars with name brand everything get out of cars. Those aren't even things that make me happy, but you can feel relatively unsuccessful looking at that for a while.
Thanks for the reminder.
I love this! We're also on a journey to learn contentment and teach our kids contentment. I think the biggest thing I've come to realize is that contentment does not always mean happiness (which is shocking to our happiness - seeking society) but rather satisfaction and gratefulness for what we have. If we can't be satisfied today when our life isn't perfect, we definitely won't be tomorrow when it IS - because it will never be perfect this side of heaven!
What a great post, Kristen! The values of contentment and thankfulness can really make a huge difference in one's attitude. This post is just what I needed today!
Well said! I just recently found your blog and feel like we have the same exact thoughts! Your post is very humbling. I try to do this but sometimes it is hard, isn't it?
Wow, this could not have come at a better time for me. It's so darn easy to get caught up in a personal pity party, especially when it seems like everyone around you is sharply dressed and driving fancy shmancy cars, while you're just struggling to keep gas in your 15 year old vehicle and you're wearing the same things to work every week. See? As I type this I'm ashamed of the words. I know that there are literally millions of people in much worse situations. I know I should feel thankful. I appreciate the reminder and I'll re-read this to help me keep my focus. Thank you!
Thanks for the reminder to count my many blessings!
This is absolutely true. I could write a novella on this topic and my family's experience with losing what we had (both health and material possessions), adjusting, and then feeling more fulfilled emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. In the end, it sucks that I have MS, but all in all, I have a very blessed life -- on much less than I had before. God is so very good.
This sounds like things my grandma has said to me. You are a very wise woman.
Incredible post. We joke about "first world problems". I try so hard to be grateful for what I have. And your post helps me remember it. Thanks.
The book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, is a good book that describes how the author used having gratitude in small things to uplift her. It is a book that helped me to remember to count my blessings, especially when I'm feeling down or depressed.
Well-timed post for me--I've been feeling sorry for myself all day for no reason at all. (My two toddlers are tiring! I had the leave the Y early because the 3-year-old peed on himself... again. Blah blah blah.)
Mr. Money Mustache often makes the point that we live in a time of unprecedented prosperity. I do find it helpful sometimes to remember how awesome I have it.
Being a hospital nurse is exhausting and often frustrating, but I keep a photo on my locker of a life-size cutout of a depression era man that says:
"It's the depression, and I'm lucky to have a job."
In the photo I'm standing in front of the man, and it's a great reminder to count my blessings.
http://thenonconsumeradvocate.com/a-non-consumer-photo-essay/
I do sometimes wonder what my co-workers think. 🙂
Another excellent post; your advice is kind, straightforward and helpful without being preachy. Everyone needs to hear this message!
I loved this post the first time and even more today. I wonder how often our complaining is just a way to have something to say that you know won't be taken for bragging...I know I am guilty of this. You have inspired me to change my thinking. The next time I open my mouth to say something less than positive, I think I'll try closing it and saying a prayer of thanks instead.
I didn't read through all of the posts, so I'm not sure if this has been said. But it also helps to SAY IT OUT LOUD. When I start feeling negative about something, I find it really helpful to talk to a friend or my spouse and say, I know our house isn't perfect, but it's made well, it's held up for us so far, it's cute, and it was within our budget and has helped us lead less stressful lives when it comes to money. Sometimes saying it outloud can be the trigger that snaps you out of your negative thoughts. 🙂 BTW, great post! 😀
This is very nice post Kristen! One of my favorite quotes while growing --"I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet". A great reminder to all of us who are not contented with something.
This is so important. Cultivating gratefulness is the single most effective thing I can do to improve my enjoyment of life (and incidentally, improve the lives of those people around me who have to deal with me!). I think we all have a tendency to get insular, to surround ourselves with people who live like we do, and have what we have, or maybe a little more. It's good to imagine your life as someone with less would see it: it's better to go a step farther and actually enlarge your circle and get to know people who have less, or different, stuff.
I belong to a twelve step program, and this is one of the core practices: gratefulness. One of the things that I love about going to meetings is that it constantly provides me with opportunities to count my blessings. Even more important, it constantly provides me with opportunities for service to others, which is the next logical step. There's no feelings sorry for oneself while one is helping the next person.
Great post, Kristen! I am striving for more contentment in life, and one of the things that has helped is to look at my life through my OWN younger eyes. 16 year old me would think current me is rich based just on my yearly income level and that I now have a dependable car, and 20 something me that just miscarried her first pregnancy would be thrilled to be stuck in a car with 3 screaming kids in the backseat. Perspective is everything!
I do this all the time - my life hasn't turned out how I wanted it to (whose does, I suppose), but I have most of what I truly wanted. I am very interested in world events, and it helps me to consider people in other countries, such as Syria, where the leader of the country is killing his own people, or other middle eastern countries where life is such a struggle, or Sierra Leone, in Africa, where the life expectancy is 47 - I am 49!!! I can really get to feeling alienated by our society and the emphasis on consumerism, and competition. But overall we are so very fortunate in this country. I wish more people realized this, and were grateful, rather than demanding more and more in terms of convenience, etc.
I often stand in the shower and marvel at how wonderful this often taken for granted luxury is. Lately I have been sending a lot of sympathy cards because so many people I know have lost a loved one. I decided to turn this around and instead of finding it depressing I now look at it as how lucky I am to know so many people and challenge myself to do what I can to try to ease their time of suffering. That is probably a bit off topic but I wanted to share anyway.
Whenever I have an extra $5, I put it in a thinking of you card for the people who are living. When I don't have money my time is much more than money. You will get a blessing, if you be a blessing, but you must do it all out of love. So, being thankful everyday is the key to a rich life that God wants for His children.
Love ya'll Vanessa
Wow! I had this very same experience a few years ago. I was feeling sorry for myself because our house is small and old and everything needs to be updated and whine-whine-whine. Then a family joined our small group at church. They lived in a nasty trailer in a nasty trailer park, with huge holes in it and black mold (yes, our church family helped them get into a better living situation, but I digress). Suddenly I thought of how that woman (with 3 kids squeezed into a much smaller space than I had!) would feel if she lived in MY home. Then I realized I had a pleasant, weathertight home in a decent neighborhood ... all my appliances worked ... I had so much to be grateful for but I was choosing to focus on the wrong things. Thank you, Kristen, for your insights!
Excellent thoughts. Hindsight is also 20/20.My son is raised, we just retired at age 60, my memories of our early years when we had so much less material wealth and such a bounty of family love,time together (no money to go OUT often!!).. I am grateful for the successes we have enjoyed but I can say from the bottom of my heart the days we lived in a small apartment, with no pantry, no master bath, and "less" than some of our friends, were the very best!!!! Cherish the moments! figuring out what true wealth is=wisdom!!<3
Wise beyond your years, you are! 🙂
This is a great idea for putting things in perspective.
This a very insightful post and I agree with all of it. The part about how someone struggling with infertility might see the day of an exhausted parent hit home for me, since I have endometriosis and have tried for years to get pregnant without success, and work with new moms my age (early- to mid-30s) whose stories of child-rearing I am always hearing about. I try regularly to put things into perspective and be grateful for what I do have. If we could all walk a mile in someone else's shoes, it would be an eye-opening and likely humbling experience.
Great post...nice reminder to all! I think many of us sometime get caught up comparing ourselves with those who have it all (so it seems). We fail to factor in the fact that not everyone that we envy is living within their means. We also assume that having those things actually brings them happiness.
So instead, as you said so well in your article, we should be comparing ourselves to the have-nots. You not only does it make you more content with your current status but it makes you feel more blessed as well.
Such a great post and so true. My partner and I often stop and look at each other mid conversation about something like the shops being out of sundried tomatoes and say 'first world problems'.
I think this was a great post. I also try to look at how other people live and what a blessing my life would be to them. It has really helped me downsize and become accountable to the "things" I have. It is much more meaningful when you think of those with nothing. It really makes you think.
Hi Kristen, this is my first time to your blog and I wanted to say how much I enjoyed this post. You're right, it is helpful and humbling to look at our lives through other people's eyes. Just the other day, I found myself getting a bit down because of the financial journey I'm going to face once my debts are gone (I don't have much by way of retirement and I'm currently renting). I experienced a few hours of feeling sorry for myself. Then I looked at my daughter and reminded myself of what I do already have. What my husband and daughter have too - health, a roof over our heads, able to pay our bills, more than enough food to keep us going and at the moment we all have enough time to keep on improving ourselves.
I so hear you Kristen! (I found you thanks to Lyle Robinson...)
We truly have to learn to appreciate what we have (doesn't stop us from aiming for more or better) otherwise we are always living in a state of discontent. And this, whether it concerns our body parts or our living arrangements or whatever!
Great post!
Bravo! Well said.
In response to your thoughts about having to wear glasses (and it being an expensive headache.) Try checking out clearlycontacts.ca or coastal.com - not sure they ship to the U.S. I've gotten my glasses off that site for about $15 and they price match contact lenses.
While I agree with the concept, there is also a danger of comparison to be minimizing our individual feelings and experiences. This invalidates what is a real to us, but it's also what level is our reaction. Is it dynasty level for everything or do we have a scale?