Time for you?
The other day, a reader left this question on Facebook for me, or for anyone else who'd like to answer.
How do you make time for you with kids, work/homeschooling, husband, etc.?
To be honest, I don't think I'm a super-fantastic person to answer this question because I tend to go, go, go, go, go, and doing something just for me sometimes feels not-productive, so sometimes I have a hard time making time for that. Also, my life is a little bit on the full end of things, so it's not like I ever am just left with empty time to fill.
I do get the basic self-care stuff done, though (showering, reading my Bible and praying, getting a good night's sleep), mostly because I place a really high priority on those things. My house might not always be clean, my bathroom might be dusty, my linen closet might be cluttered, but I sleep, shower, and read my Bible and pray! Those things keep me energized and productive, I think and if I let those go, I probably wouldn't be much good to anyone.
By the way, to help me not feel totally overwhelmed by mothering and to help me get those basic things done, it's been helpful to have some boundaries with my kids in the form of consistent (fairly early) bedtimes, rules about staying in bed during the night (except for times of actual need), and, depending on the age of the kids, rules about what time it's ok to get up and come out in the morning. I don't think every household necessarily needs to operate that way, but these habits have allowed me to maintain my sanity and get enough rest.
I also think it helps that I am fortunate enough to find a lot of my work to be pretty fulfilling, so the line between me-time and work-time is a little blurry. For instance, I really love to take pictures, and so although that's part of blogging (which is work, to a degree), it doesn't really feel like work...it feels like something fun.
And I like playing music, so when I serve at church in that way, it doesn't feel like pure work.
I think having a spouse who is supportive is also really helpful. Mr. FG knows it's good for me to do things apart from him and the kids at least some of the time, so he is supportive of me going to something like Bible study or to a women's retreat, and he usually does fun stuff with the kids while I'm gone (Which means that they're not at all opposed to me going out. Hee.)
Now, all that said, I am positive that there are many of you who are a whole lot better than me at finding the appropriate balance between taking care of others and taking care of yourself, so have at it in the comments!
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Joshua's 365 post: Dragon
There are certain times of the day when I take mini vacations. I usually take lunch in my room after preparing the kid's lunches and that is my recess until afternoon stuff starts. It's just my little bit of me time each day.
I completely agree about setting boundaries with the kids. We too have a strict bed time routine, early bed time, and certain wake time rules. This gives us so much sanity. On days/times when our kids are getting wild or getting to us, we usually give them two options: play outside or play upstairs. We usually use this when we need to get dinner ready as my oldest is usually letting out all of his pent up energy from school around that time, and it's just too much in our small living space downstairs. I also get a lot of "me" time at night as my husband is a firefighter and works overnight. He's also really good about giving me some time by taking the kids upstairs to play or letting me go run errands by myself. Getting a gym membership to the Y has also been a lifesaver. Our boys can go climb away while we can work out, watch a movie in the cardio theater, or go lay in the pool or hot tub. It's nice to feel like we are finally at a place where we are getting more time for us as adults and our kiddos are a lot more self-sufficient. 🙂
I often joke that I'm "So bottom of the list, I'm not on the list".
I'd agree with Kristen that it's about priorities, and for me consciously deciding to do what I need/want to do. This is hard sometimes.
Recently I mapped out (drew on a big sheet of paper) my 5 personal priorities. Just mine. Not the Kids, or the Hubby's or anyone elses. They were, baking, reading, writing, exercise and meditation. My plan was to do each daily. Okay so that didn't really work - but I'm hitting 3 out of the 5. Which is better than previously.
There's a school of thought that to love effectively, to give effectively etc... to others - you have to give yourself those things first. I try to remember that when I forget about me.
My kids are parents now, and I am very much enjoying spending time on myself and on my husband. When they were little, I was so happy to have finally been successfully pregnant and a mom, that I was maybe a bit over-centered on the children. But not in a martyred or resentful way at all: this was what I'd always wanted to do, and I was good at it...and fulfilled. I went back to my other love, teaching, when they were older and enjoyed that as well. For every thing turn, turn , turn. I think in my lifetime I have had and am having it all--just not all at the same time.
I often wondered what people meant by questioning, "Don't you ever have time for yourself/" As I saw/see it, mothering and teaching were just what I wanted to do and were hence time for myself. And no in retirement I have time to dote on my husband with more interesting cooking, to read, to swim, to be grandparents with him. All good, crises and all.
I struggle with this. I came to motherhood later in life than most people (via adoption), and while I love being a mom and adore my son, it is challenging at times keeping myself from getting lost in the day to day routine. Lately, my husband has taken on watching our son while I take our dog for a walk almost every evening - just that small window that includes fresh air, a bit of exercise, and quiet time to reflect and recharge has made a difference. They have a great time together while I'm gone, and the dog gets some exercise too, so it's a win-win-win for everyone.:-)
Yay--That's my question! Thank you 🙂
I most certainly agree about setting boundaries with the kids - for everything not just bedtime. We also had a strict early bed time routine, and "get out of bed" rules. This is good for everyone, not just the children. My husband was good about giving me time to visit with my 4 sisters. He knew it helped all of us- me for getting "me" time, him for getting closer to the children and the children for getting closer to their dad, Just like Mr. FG.
I love that you put reading the bible in self-care. Although I know it's important, I find it hard to read the bible without some input. I've been to a bible study, but that isn't practical for me on a daily basis. I'm wondering if you could recommend a good "study" bible. I've often wondered if I should start out with a children's bible. Any suggestions?
Since there is no "like" for these responses, I would like to second this.
The Women's Devotional Bible has been around a long time and I believe is quite a favorite with many. It uses the NIV translation of the Bible. Personally my favorite study Bible is the Spirit-Filled Life Bible which uses the New King James translation. I've used it for fifteen years and I really like it; the study notes in the margins are very helpful.
I have four young children and a husband who travels a lot for work so I have struggled with this as well. I read a convicting book (I highly recommend it by the way - "Desperate, Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe" by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson) which pointed out that we moms need to take the time to fill our hearts and souls so we can give to our families without burning out, and that it's our responsibility, no one elses, to make sure that we do. I have started carving out time during the younger children's nap times to make sure I read my bible, pray and nap for a few minutes to recharge for the afternoon and evening. The older kids know they either have to either play quietly during this time or watch an [educational, of course ;)] video while mom is upstairs.
Thanks for the book recommendation, JD - will see if my local library has a copy.:-)
I think it is important to know yourself. Before I had my son I didn't realize all the things I did for myself--they were painfully obvious when I had a newborn and couldn't do them. Even something as simple as having a quiet meal in the dining room now I know is intensely important for my mental health. I also rely on a supportive husband and clear boundaries. Not that I am great at it either. Thank you for your thoughts, Kristen.
To me, there is no "me time" only "us time." If that is kept calm, peaceful & happy - then I don't feel a need for anything else (and I'm a pretty extreme introvert). We don't enforce bed or rising times.
I am able to spend time praying or at my computer or reading a book with the family present.
If anything gives me peace in a week, it is keeping a personal prayer time, and keeping the Lord's Day as one free of work AND free of frenetic "leisure" activities like shopping or going to an amusement park, for example.
Spending the entire Lord's Day in Church and resting with family recharges ALL of us - together.
I am a total introvert and can only recharge with time by myself. I have found this to be one of the hardest parts of mothering. I have 3 kiddos, an 8 y/o that is in school, a 4 y/o special needs daughter, and a 2 y/o crazy toddler. They are great amazing kids that have a lot of needs. I actually laughed hard when the previous poster wrote about only having "us time" that is calm, peaceful, and happy. I didn't laugh in a mean spirited way but simply in a cannot-comprehend kind of way. I'm pretty sure there has never been such a moment in our house 🙂 I am constantly reassuring myself that this is a hard season and it will get easier. To cope with the madness, we have "quiet time" in our house between the hours of 1:00 and 3:00. The non-nappers must be in their room playing quietly by themselves and the little one naps. Most (but not all) days I will take that time to do something I enjoy. Are there more productive things I could do with that time? Maybe. But as my SIL said to me, "No one will ever get to the end of their life and wish they had done more dishes". We also have a strict bedtime of between 7:00-8:00 (depending on the child). This gives my husband and I some time together.
Amen sister! Couldn't agree more 🙂
I'm like you, Kristen; my ME time was doing for everybody else when the kids were little. If you enjoy the work you do and it's no longer work. It's fun!
I've had to think about this a lot recently, as we wait for little one #3 (in under 4 years) to arrive... any day now. I'm not bad at taking "me" time when I get a chance, but I often squander it on things that feel recharging, and actually aren't. (Facebook comes to mind.) As my available time to myself has dwindled with each new child (and now the dropping of the 3 year-old's nap), I've had to be intentional about using the time in the best, most refreshing way possible. Often, that means reading a book. Increasingly, it also means baking. Or writing. Anything that quiets my mind and just leaves me alone with my own thoughts for a few minutes qualifies as "me" time.
On the subject of self-care, I have definitely been guilty of feeling bad about taking care of myself when there are so many other people in my house who need to be cared for. This is probably why I don't exercise regularly, even though it makes me feel amazing when I do. I just discovered, though, that I have a substantial Diastasis Recti, with a possible abdominal hernia, caused by, essentially, ignoring my body after delivering baby #2. I had a conversation with my midwife this morning about how I am going to have to make my health a priority this time around. I will still do my best to meet everyone's needs, but mommy WILL be wearing a splint, and she WILL be going to physical therapy, and she WILL be doing her exercises at home when she is supposed to. And everyone else will have to deal. And, in the end, everyone in the house will be happier and better cared-for because I took enough time to care for myself.
I think friendships are part of self-care too!
Early bedtimes never worked for us. The kids don't need much sleep. It's better as they're getting older and can entertain themselves. But I'd say that me time is kind of necessary for human existence. If you have a partner, you and that person can trade off the care of your children. If you don't have a partner or your partner isn't around much, you can lean on friends/relations/neighbors, or you can hire help. All are great options.