"This isn't how I'd write my story"
I got an email from a reader who has dealt with some difficult situations with one of her children, and also having to move away from one adult child.
With her permission, I'm sharing part of her email along with my answers to her questions.
I'm sure you've had to deal with your fair share of goodbyes, or having things in a way you wish they weren't. I know my therapist has said to me, "if you want to be comfortable, you can't let any one thing become the center of your world". I keep that in mind often and it's not like this is the center of my world, but gosh, there have been SO many up and downs over the years--it feels tiring.
I was hoping some time in the future that you could share about how you truly cope with all of these things. I know you've touched on many of these -- nothing is all bad or all good, but on a daily basis, how often do any of these things come to mind? I can't tell you how many times I've said to my husband, "this isn't how I would write my story".
If at some time in the future you could share your strategies, especially for those of us with children where things haven't gone the way we had wished. I have people around me that share how wonderful their kids are doing, hitting all the "milestones", found their jobs, their mates, maybe have kids of their own. What about the parents that have tried so hard and things haven't worked out like that?
I most definitely can sympathize with a life that is turning out differently than you'd hoped or planned for! This is not how I would have written my story, but here I am.
I will share what helps me, and you can pick and choose what resonates with you. Chew up the meat, spit out the bones, as they say. 😉
A life shake-up is a common human experience
This fact helps me normalize my experience: many, many people have lives that took twists and turns that they didn't want and didn't plan for.
These come in so many flavors, like the death of a child, a debilitating illness, a financial disaster, infertility, infidelity, unwanted singleness, the death of a spouse, a natural disaster, and so on.
You are not alone. I am not alone. Upheaval hits lots of humans! It is a normal part of living on this earth.
You can loosen up your thinking about what a good life story is
Most of us have a script that we expect our lives to follow, and usually that script is rather subconscious until it gets ferociously rewritten.
In the last few years, I have realized that there is not just one good life story. My original script got trashed, but that doesn't mean all the other scripts are terrible. There are many ways to live a beautiful life, and if you can be more flexible in your thinking about that, you might be able to embrace the new script.
My new life is beautiful even though it is not what I expected at all.
What makes a fulfilling life? Doing meaningful things
This kind of piggybacks on the previous point. If you realize that a fulfilling life is a result of doing meaningful things, many possibilities open up.
Heading up an intact nuclear family with grandchildren and happy holiday gatherings is meaningful and valuable, for sure.
But consider how many meaningful things you can do with your life! The possibilities are nearly endless, and many of them can be pursued on your own, no matter how off-script other people in your life have gone. 😉
Think more about what you put out than about the results
You mentioned some difficulties with your children and I want to point out that sometimes we think of parenting like a recipe: you put the ingredients in, and you expect a certain result.
This might work with a cake, but it does not translate with the complexities of human beings.
So, when you feel disappointed about situations with your children, it might help to focus on your efforts.
Did you pour love into your children? Did you spend time with them? Did you parent with integrity? If so, then you can have a measure of peace about your circumstances because you related to your children in a way that was congruent with how you want to be as a human.
We cannot control other people, but we do have control over our efforts!
A for-instance from another realm: I can go into the hospital and give A+ care to a patient, and that patient might still be unhappy.
But if I know I behaved with integrity and kindness, I can still go home with peace in my heart. What I put out was good, even if the result/feedback wasn't.
Look less at other people's lives
I know this is easier said than done, but if you are feeling vulnerable and sad, it might be helpful to limit the amount of exposure you have to other people's script-following life stories.
For instance, around the holidays it might be wise to limit your social media consumption. That's a time of year when are bombarded with images of intact families, and sometimes that presses too hard on a sore spot.
It's ok to look away for a time if you can't resist the urge to compare.
Grieve the losses AND look at what is good in your own life
This both/and approach works great for me!
Some examples from my life:
I don't get to see Lisey very often (Hawaii is SO FAR), but she calls me multiple times a week. And I get to text with her regularly!
I don't own a home anymore, and rent is expensive, but it is super nice that I never have to worry about repair fees. And I am so delighted I get to live in a house vs. an apartment.
I no longer live in the family home that I worked so hard to fix up, but I love my little rental house so so so much. I love living here, I love having my own space, I love my neighbors and my neighborhood, and I love not living in a split-foyer anymore (!!!).
I lost a good half of my worldly wealth in my divorce, but I am ok financially. I have a degree now in a field that offers good job security, and I have the opportunity to rebuild my financial life.
A recent one: the valedictorian speaker at my graduation (a physical therapy graduate) was an older student like me, but in part of her speech, she told the story of how supportive her husband was of her, how he said he'd do whatever it took to support her and pick up the slack, how he told her not to worry about the schedule upheaval, and how he cheered her on.
As I listened to this, I felt anger and grief bubbling up in my chest. I am so happy for the speaker, of course, and I don't begrudge her one bit, but I felt angry that my story was not remotely the same.
Luckily, I am far enough along in my journey that these bubbles of anger and grief are pretty short-lived, and within a few minutes, I was able to refocus and think about how thankful I am to have the support of my children, the support of all of you here, the support of my professors, the support of my classmates, and the support of my family/friends.
I am hardly alone or unsupported.
Also, how lucky I am that I got to go to school! How wonderful it is that I can go to work in a field I love! How delightful it is to be free!
You can choose: reality-fighting, or radical acceptance
There is a certain amount of grieving work we have to do when our scripts get rewritten, yes. I have done lots of that and it is useful work that moves me forward.
But getting bogged down in a constant, "This isn't how my life was supposed to go." loop isn't super helpful for me; it's a waste of energy, and about as productive as hitting my head against a brick wall.
I'd rather spend my energy doing the dual work of grieving the past + building a new future. And that work is easier to do when I'm not trying to fight reality!
________________
Ok, I'm nearly at 1500 words, so I'll stop here. 🙂
Well said Frugal Girl! I have had to rewrite my script and it has been difficult and has taken a long time to adjust. As a child, I dreamt of big family, a big house, happily married children who come over with their own children on Sundays and holidays. I never dreamt of the Sundays alone just my husband and myself or the holidays that one of my children finds difficult to navigate due to her own divorce. After reading your post I can see where I have had to rewrite my own story. I am finally realizing that Sundays can be made special just with routines my husband and I create for us. My house is tiny, but we own it outright now. My holidays can be chaotic but I am getting used to just the two of us and for the first time I feel like, my new script is perfect for us. It doesn't mean I don't miss the "What ifs" and I don't have times of sadness for the old one. I let myself feel it and then move on. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Yes! This is the both/and idea exactly. We can be sad about an aspect but also thankful for another. And those things can happen simultaneously.
What great advice, Kristen. My father used to say: man plans, God laughs. He would bring up stories in scripture, history and our lives that proved it. I was raised by him to do the best I knew how, when I knew better, do better, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. A dear friend who had experienced combat and losses, but kept a positive attitude often said: it is what it is.
With all of that wisdom in my head, I choose to focus on what I can control, and let go of what I can't. That quiets the voices of worries and regrets in my head.
@MommaJo, the focus on what you can control and let go of what you can't is a lesson that is very important in life. So many of the things that we worry about happening, the 'what ifs', the disasters, never happen. It's all right to have contingency plans and alternates to what you plan/want to have happen, but just don't let looking off into the future with the Rose Colored Glasses deter you from having a good life now.
And, of course, the only person that you can control is yourself. We all want the best for other people in our lives, our kids, our spouse, our friends, but nothing we do can make those people act in a particular way that we would like for them.
Beautifully said, Kristen. Your words of encouragement and wisdom are far reaching. Thanks for sharing so gracefully!
Kristen, I thank God for you! What a timely post. I read it aloud to my husband at 520 am as we are in a tense season.
This is excellent advice Kristen. And yes, it is challenging to change one's POV and perspective on what has happened.
One other thing I'd like to mention. Parents as well as children, must OWN their actions (or lack thereof) when conflicts, misunderstanding, estrangement and other unpleasant things that happen in real life and NOT a part of the story we want to live.
Too many times, one or both parties have been misunderstood and/or do not own their own roles in a disagreement, etc. Some situations could be diffused, avoided or better handled if we all owned up to how we act and how we think and be honest that sometimes we are very judgmental and unaccepting.
The families that I know with the healthiest relationships (not saying there isn't stuff, but everyone is still in contact and there are no estrangements) show a lot of acceptance on both the parents and kids part. There is open-ness to "agree to disagree" and the whole "You be you, I'll be me" approach. Is it easy? No, because let's face it, ALL of us have scripts about "HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE" and that, of course is what causes a lot of issues and estrangement.
Agreeing to disagree is not endorsing something you have an issue with (whether your issue is valid or not) but rather not judging and accepting another person's take on how they want to live their lives. Can it be painful? OMG Yes Yes Yes. But we have to decide what we want to give our energy to.
Few of us escape deep pain from betrayal, indifference, judgment, ghosting, and the like whether from family or friends. We may feel as if we have lost ourselves to the pain but we can choose to reframe and rethink "how it should be" and simply not judge ourselves or others for what is, and what is not.
I've been deeply wounded by friends and family at a time in my life when I most needed help and was most vulnerable (serious illness). At a time when I thought those who said they loved me would be present in some form or another, they disappeared. It was devastating and I've never gotten over the loss. That said, I've learned to deal with it.
Not by judging them or calling them out or the like, but by accepting that humans are in fact human and some will make choices that hurt others.
I don't dwell on it, I don't focus on it and I don't try to fathom "HOw? Why?" No, I will never know. I thank the universe for what we had (though with some I still doubt if what we had was real in terms of a deep connection because how could they leave if they cared, etc.) and move on. I choose not to live in the pain. Stuff happens and I'm not alone in having these kinds of things happen to me. Sadly, no. We have to choose to live and thrive. It is NOT about surviving the pain, but choosing to find our way out of it.
It's what I deal with daily with my declining and problematic health. I work hard to NOT let it become the definition of who I am rather than what I am experiencing. Same with relationships.
And, yes, even if we gave our all and thought we were doing what worked for the other in the relationship (and even had them tell us that!) and they still went MIA, well, that's on them, isn't it? As I've always said, you have to own your own part in this and that is perhaps what's tough. It would be easier if people just said. "I'm scared of what happened to you. I can't face it. I can't" or the like and just be honest. It would still hurt but you would know where things stand. And also, when someone owns it, they should let you respond and perhaps do what is needed to reconnect or repair a relationship.
And yes, I myself in my younger years walked away with no words and am sure I hurt a few people along the way, which, perhaps it is why I can let go of what has happened to me. We can lock ourselves into pain by dwelling on what isn't, instead of focusing on what is and doing our best even if our days are clearly NOT the way we want them.
Kristen, thank you for this. It was a great mini-course in dealing with circumstances.
That's the challenge of life: Dealing with what is while not focusing on what isn't.
Oh yes, I for sure agree that parents (myself included) have a responsibility to own our part for hurts and wounds.
Same with anything else including nursing care. If I mess up I need to own that and make amends.
I’m just saying that also there are times when someone is upset with us despite us having not done something actually wrong (like a patient who is just having a hard time for other reasons and is taking it out on staff). In cases like that it’s good to remember your efforts were good and the care was appropriate.
But in both cases it’s a matter of taking an honest look at your behavior and analyzing it with humility.
@Irena,
I also had a similar experience to you. During a challenging time in my life I expected my family to step up and be that loving close family who were always there to provide support for each other during difficult times. Then I realized it was my own expectations that were the problem! I was expecting my family and friends to change for me, drop things in their own lives for me!
Having a serious illness or going through a difficult patch throws a lot of things off balance but that is your journey and other people are not obliged to join you on it (but for sure nice if they choose to do so, even if only for part of it). We do not know what is going on in other peoples lives and in what capacity they are available to help. There are also some people who do not know how to help because they’ve never been faced with or experienced help in such situations. I’m still learning from things others did to help me and now know any gesture, no matter what, is enough.
But it’s also true that some people get offended if their help or advice is not heeded, if they feel their support is not acknowledged, reciprocated, etc. (this is something I’ve struggled with because I think if you offer support it should be unconditional, otherwise you are putting an additional burden on the person who needs support and who might not be able to do more than say thanks) or if people don’t show up. People are judgmental and get things wrong. They cannot see other perspectives. For some parents it may be difficult to not put their expectations on their children, and to accept them as they are.
I hope that you will be able to reconnect with those that you lost contact with, especially if they were relationships you valued. I think true relationships stand the test of time, even if there are moments when they may be strongly tested - it just needs time for people to adapt.
We cannot always have the dream story, especially if it did not exist before things changed. Sometimes we do need that big change in order to create a new or more realistic dream story.
@Irena, very perceptive. Thank you for noting that everyone comes to a circumstance/action with a different personal perception based on their upbringing and experience. I recently read something about not being able to change traumatic things that had happened to us in the past but being able to learn how to react to that past and how are current actions in regard to that pass affects people in our lives also. It was an interesting article very much in line with what you said above.
I just wanted to add that you may be comparing your life to only the surface of someone else's - you see the intact family, smiling on Christmas, but you don't see that the middle son lost his job 6 months ago and the parents are paying his bills; you don't see the miscarriage; you don't hear the suicidal statements that resulted in a crisis call. It's hard to know all the hard things going on in someone's life.
@Amanda, I was just going to comment along these lines. So many times I have seen families that seem to have it all together, or moms who by society's standards are more accomplished than me. And I fall into being envious, or guilty that I didn't "do more" with my degree. I try to remember that everyone is trying to look like a duck: calm and floating on the surface, but underneath madly paddling just to keep going.
@Amanda,
You are right. No one's life is perfect. Throughout our lives, we all are given our own set of challenges and gifts. Nearly everyone has experienced loss, set backs, and broken relationships. You don't necessarily see that in an Instagram post. Life is filled with millions of variables that are out of our control with thousands of different out comes. Comparing your life to others steals your happiness.
@Amanda,
I do think it's quite normal to present your best self to the world at large, be that in person or on social media. I think people get accused of being ''fake!'' when it transpires that maybe they've - astonishingly - not been living 100% perfect happy lives all along, but as you say, those pictures and surface things people present are just one part of a whole life.
@Amanda, Commented below, but it reminds of a quote from Big Little Lies about how photo albums give us a false impression of happiness. I've also heard it referred to as 'a highlight reel, not the negatives'.
@Amanda, I think this is an important thing to remember. I know seemingly perfect families that have dealt with everything from a child with cancer to losing an adult child from addiction. Honestly, in my early years of reading this blog, I thought Kristen’s life looked perfect. I had no idea of the difficulties she was going through.
My life is pretty good now, but I’ve definitely had moments I’m not proud of. Reasonable people act unreasonably especially when they're hurting or overwhelmed. I’ve been that person. Learning to own it, apologise, and move forward has been a big part of my story.
Your reminder to focus on what we put out, not just the outcome, really landed. Win with humility, lose with grace — easier said than done, but worth aiming for.
Thank you Kristen, this is great advice which I will revisit/reread; extremely helpful and encouraging
I think life pretty much goes off script for everyone - its what is actually happening while you make other plans. We have some control over our lives, not absolute control. And comparison is the thief of joy when you spend time looking at how everyone else is doing Life. In my own experience, forging a new path has been both exciting and terrifying. I have never been this age before. Never had adult kids before. Never been a widow before. Its all a new frontier. Maybe make the focus of your efforts align with the reality of your life, then tweak it to make changes. Your future self will thank you.
Oops! Gina from the Cannary Family here (:
This is a very timely post for me, Kristen. DH died two years ago today--and losing him, especially to a disease that took his mind years before his body, certainly wasn't how we'd have written our story. However, "it is what it is" (thanks for the reminder, MommaJo) was one of my mantras throughout his long decline, and it remains useful now. So I still shed tears--but I'm also trying to go on with my life as he would have wished.
And I have certainly had wonderful support from my friends, both IRL and online. I still go back and read the almost 200 comments on the "update" post in which I shared the news. Once again, I thank each and every one of you for those kind words.
@A. Marie,
Sending you more love and hugs today, the anniversary of when your dear husband went to Heaven to wait for you.
@A. Marie, Thinking of you today. Sending thoughts of comfort & peace
@A. Marie, Eternal rest grant unto him, and I wish for you only happy memories today.
@A. Marie, Sending good thoughts to you today.
@A. Marie,
Wishing you peace. Your love story touches my heart.
@A. Marie,
my sincere condolences on your very long drawn-out loss. Losing someone bit by bit before they pass away must be exhausting and devastating (and expensive, and... and... and...) and then, they actually die and that's hideous too, but also in some ways a relief AND THAT makes you feel worse than ever, because obviously you do NOT want your loved one to die, but it is what it is.
May you have many, many happy years ahead.
@A. Marie, Watching (here) what you've gone through and hearing how beautifully you handled it, has always touched my heart. ❤
@A. Marie,
As you work through the grief, I pray that you will find peace in honoring him this day for being the wonderful man he was. You poured yourself out for him. No one could have done more.
@A. Marie, I think of your DH, and the lovely things you’ve said about your lives together, every time I read one of your posts. He informs all of your actions, I feel, lovingly so.
@A. Marie, How lucky and blessed you both were to have found one another.
Awww, this is a moment of serendipity then.
You loved him so well, and he returned that love, so of course you still feel that loss.
And I am glad that we here could be part of your support network, even if only virtually. Sending you a hug!
@Caroline, everything you said is true.
@A. Marie,
Keeping our wonderful memories alive is so important.
Lost Bill 19 years ago in April and some things hit really hard to this day.
Blessings and Hugs.
@A. Marie,
I remember your story more than others because it hits close to home. As your DH left this world, my Daddy’s life was about to take a downturn and a few months later, he left us. The disease that robbed us both sucks swamp water. That’s the nicest way I can describe that disease.
May today, you remember the good times with your DH.
@A. Marie, I often think of how you navigated that sad chapter with grace, authenticity and love and I admire you for that. Sharing your journey was a gift to many more people than you will ever know.
@A. Marie, i wish i could give you a real life hug. you have contributed so much to this blog and i look forward so much to your comments. when you are in nyc i would love to meet you somewhere. maybe you were here already. you are so welcome to have lunch in my abode and your friend is welcome too.
@A. Marie, I cannot tell you how often I have thought of your journey through your husband's illness and end, as an example of love and grace. I hope your memories today bring you comfort.
@A. Marie,
I first "met" you either here, or on Katy's NCA blog, when your DH was starting to show the early signs of Alzheimers. He was going for various tests and assessments, and then you got the awful news about his diagnosis. While this was certainly not the story the two of you would have written, I know he's looking after you and smiling from the beyond. Sending you hugs and peaceful thoughts, always but especially today.
@Caroline,
That is EXACTLY how I felt after losing my beloved mother in law to vascular dementia about 5 1/2 years ago. That final year of her life was awful and agonizing- yet, I felt terrible for feeling relieved when she finally passed. I was relieved because she was truly suffering, and was finally released from a mind and body that had failed her.
@A. Marie, I shed no tears when my mom left this earth. The mom I once knew had been gone over 4 years before her blessed passing. I know she would NOT have wanted the sucky disease she and your DH had. I've said it before, if I could have expedited her passing without going to jail, I'd have cheerfully done so.
That being said, my dad took care of her at home till she passed. Not many men would or could do that. Dad is the rare self-sufficient male of his era (as he says, he likes to eat lol). Dad readily admits that if mom was in a nursing home during COVID and could not visit her, it would have killed them both.
I like the story analogy. If you would have a chance to pick up a novel about the "ideal" story of your life, it would likely be boring to read. The best stories to read are those whose characters meet with difficulties and grow in good ways because of them.
Yes, I sometimes think about that in relevance to my life...that in some senses, I actually like the interesting way my life has turned out.
@Jody S., when I read fiction with characters making obviously stupid moves, I remind myself that without that stupidity, there’d be no story.
Oof. This hit me right where it hurts (emotionally) today, so all I'll say is that I understand the pain of that reader, and I have no idea how to get through this sort of parenting pain except the same way I get through everything: One day at a time, always with the hope that the next day will be better. (And, for me, a lot of prayer, which feels like all I do anymore because I don't feel like I can do anything else.)
@kristin @ going country,
When my oldest was a teenager, he went off the deep end. I didn't sleep for 3 years. I was not sure either one of us would survive. I faced each day as it came and cried all time. Some how we made it through. It took lots of love, determination, support, and hope. Fast forward 20 years, he is now a wonderful man, and we are very close. You'll be in my prayers!
@kristin @ going country, best blessings from afar and also sending you all the stamina I can spare.
@Bee, Thank you for a message of hope. I hold on to the certainty that this too shall pass, painful as it is right now. All things do. I just hope we come out the other side better, as you and your son did.
@Karen., Thank you.
@kristin @ going country, sending hugs and best wishes to you and your family. We had some very dark times with our son, but thankfully we all came out the other side. Please God you will too.
@kristin @ going country,
Your family is in my prayers. I have gotten very mad at God this year for the way things are and feeling like there is no help. However, I realized it's my faith that allows me to get up in the morning and get through my day. So instead of being mad, I keep turning the issues over to Him. Still not resolved, but again, it's all I can do.
Sending you so much love and sympathy. I know you might not feel like it is true, but I am sure you are doing a wonderful job of mothering through this season. And yes, yes, yes to one day at a time. Sometimes that is all we can manage to think about and face.
@kristin @ going country, There is no pain like one that has to do with our kids. Sending big hugs to you.
This is an absolute A+ post and why I absolutely love reading this blog. Life is all about the stories we tell ourselves and it is always possible to write a new one.
@Laura V, me too! Kristen has so much wisdom and shares it beautifully, minus clichés, cussing, or arrogance. Easy to read, easy to digest, and always wise.
My adolescent life plan (going away to college, meeting Mr. Right, getting married a year or so after graduation, working and then having kids 5 years after that) never materialized. But when I see others struggle in their marriages/parenting roles, perhaps that was for the best. I still feel super lonely and pretty much cheated out of the good things in life.
Being the sole survivor of my family, Christmas time is tough. Esp. when they start putting out the Yuletide decorations before we're even done with Halloween, much less Thanksgiving! I turn off the "Christmas station" on the radio and when I had a car with a CD player or tape player, I'd get my favorite music out and rock to that. It's helped that I switched to an Episcopal church bc they don't start Christmas until just before Dec. 24. I also just stick to the religious aspect of the holiday, not the shopping frenzy or Santa Claus-ing (easy since I have no kids), and that helps. (My grandmother, born in the late 19th Century, said they didn't do Christmas until a day or two before the 24th, and thus there was no Christmas blues. I think she's on to something.) But TBH, Christmas was always rough: the grown-ups often quarreled and I was pretty much an outcast in the extended family get-togethers. (For example, the other girls got several expensive gifts and I'd get a little bitty tube of cheap lip gloss. Which no doubt was regifted.) As an adult, I often volunteered to work a shift on the 24th and 25th. The year my parents died, I got invited and then UN-invited to the extended family Christmas; at the last minute, they selfishly decided to go skiing.
It is also difficult for me to go to other peoples' homes for Thanksgiving, where I am plunged into a pool of strangers and feel "alone in the crowd," no matter how much my well-meaning hosts try to make me feel welcomed. So in the last several years, I tell A. that I'm going to B's place for the holiday (where A. and B. don't know each other), and I tell B. that I've accepted an invitation from A. But then I stay home, do laundry, walk the dog and read a book. I also do that for Easter, after attending church services.
I avoid weddings like the plague bc I cannot stand it when the old biddies come up to me and ask "WHY aren't YOU married yet?," implying there is something wrong with me bc I am single. What do they want me to do -- go club a guy over the head with a baseball bat, and drag him home by his shirt collar? Like A. Marie quoted Thoreau saying the other day, "Beware of any enterprise that requires new clothes," and weddings are #1 on that list!
@Fru-gal Lisa, I’m so sorry for all the hurt you’ve experienced. Sending you a big hug!
@Fru-gal Lisa, I feel you on the holiday thing because it's just hubby and me, we've had to adjust over the years and because we don't have kids, and we're introverts, there are down times. That being said, I experienced so many family holidays where there were disagreements, disappointments and just flat-out misery because of clashing personalities and expectations that I honestly enjoy our new normal of quiet. I'll also admit to often reminiscing about some of my worst holidays and being glad I no longer have to deal with those people. 😉
@Fru-gal Lisa, Your comment from your grandma about not starting celebrating Christmas until Dec 24 is super interesting. Growing up going to Catholic schools, we lived Advent every day -- which was more like Lent than anything else -- where the focus was on preparing ourselves for Christ on the 25th. This meant doing good deeds and focusing on others. Each day we did this, as kids, we could add a tiny piece of straw to the manger, so that by our good deeds we could prepare for the 25th. As you pointed out, this likely had huge mental health benefits of focusing on others rather than ourselves, and channeling our creativeness to think of new good deeds to do each day.
Interestingly, apparently waiting to celebrate Christmas until Dec 24 still occurs in Germany. We have Christkindl markets here and I always feel bad for the vendors, so far from their families. But when I ask them, they say the markets are only during Advent, not to worry, that they will be with their families for Christmas!
I'm sorry for your burden. Christmas is also hard for us, as we are the only ones in our families who could not have children (only miscarriages) and have been waiting many years to adopt. You've given good advice about how to turn the narrative of Christmas, back to only a religious holiday and, for us, steer it away from the "magic for children" it seems the advertisers say. Thank you.
Sending you love, Lisa. While my circumstances are different, I can relate to the feeling of being a little bit of an outsider because of being single. And you are right, sometimes it helps to just do something completely different on a family-centered holiday.
Which is why I don't really mind that my job will have me working on holidays fairly regularly; I'm happy to go spread some cheer at the hospital on those days.
@Bobi, I hear you and Fru-gal Lisa about family spats at Christmas. We dutifully spent Christmases with DH's parents and then his mother until my MIL finally went into a nursing home, and his mother and sister in particular could always be counted on for drama. I was dining the other night with two other widowed friends, both of whom knew DH's family, and one of them said, "It's a good thing [DH] was never like [MIL and SIL]." I replied, "If he had been, I never would have married him!"
@Fru-gal Lisa, It hurts my heart when I hear about people being badgered about getting married. When I married, my brother, who was three years older, started getting nagged at by my parents and extended family about when HE was going to marry his live in girlfriend (long story short, she turned out to be a sociopath and with DH and my support, he kicked her out, huzzah). We were at a family reunion and a second cousin started giving him the business, and I butted in saying, "Where is it written that EVERYONE has to get married? Why is that? And why would you even ASK somebody that?" The Christmas he died, he called me and told me how he was dreading going down to see our parents in the South (DH and I were politely excusing ourselves, having a new baby and DH's dissertation being due very soon so he could keep his job). My brother said he was dreading it because he knew when he got there they'd start the business about him not being married. It wasn't enough that he a) had graduated law school, and done all the achievement things they expected of him, and b) had a well-paying job and was respected among his co-workers and c) was doing good community service in his town. Nope, they were going to focus on the one thing he hadn't 'checked off' the list.
I told him he should stay home, since he wasn't feeling well and had been working practically around the clock to put in his billable hours at the firm. He said no, he felt obligated to go. I said, in that case, go to a costume shop, rent a priest outfit, and show up at their door wearing it and say, "Now you know why I'm not married!" He got a huge laugh out of it, and I am glad I could make him laugh, since he passed away the next day unexpectedly. I bet my parents were sorry they'd nagged him! Ugh.
@Fru-gal Lisa, When I have thought "Why isn't she married yet?" it has been because the woman is so special that I cannot believe the men she meets don't realize that. I have never thought a friend was single because of a defect in her, but because of a defect in men. From what I have read of your writings in the comments on this blog, it is hard for me to think that every person who has said that to you believes you are somehow to blame. And, really, so much of finding a good mate is luck, pure and simple. I ended up meeting my husband because I was laid off and on unemployment and the state required a certain number of interviews to keep receiving benefits. I trudged off to an interview just to make the number required and he happened to be in the same building waiting and we started talking. I shudder to think what my life would have been if I had blown off that interview.
@Fru-gal Lisa,
Ugh, I sooooo know what you mean about the "why aren't YOU married yet?". When I was in my mid-20s, all of my friends were getting married, to the point where it was me, the 5 year old girls, and the rare 80 year old single aunt who would wait for the bride to toss her bouquet. At some point, I simply refused to participate in this supposed-to-be-fun wedding tradition.
In my 30s, I had an elderly woman patient ask me why I wasn't married; I'm sure I said some version of "I haven't met the right person yet". She paused, then asked me if I like men. :-0 Ummm, yes, I do? I was stunned. (Not that it was any business of hers, and not that there's anything wrong with being LGBTQ+, either). All these years later, I still remember that odd conversation. Ha.
@Fru-gal Lisa, it wasn't long after I was married I got the barrage of "when are you going to have a baby". My response of a polite "I didn't need to get married to have a kid" shut every single one of them up.
I'm back to society treating women as doormats - good for only three things. You can be married and maintain your autonomy.
Excellent post! I don't want to get too much into my personal life, but when I was a kid I always assumed I'd go to university, meet someone and possibly have children. The university part happened but the other two didn't. I'm mostly okay with that - I have an excellent life - but it's hard being asked why I'm single sometimes.
Years ago I read a novel called Big Little Lies (which was also made into a TV series) and a character reflected 'it was easy to think everyone's life was perfect if you only looked at the photo albums' (paraphrased).
@Sophie in Denmark,
my very best friend is similar to you in the ways you've described, and she said that at a certain point(around early-mid 30's) she realised that actually, factually, those things she thought she absolutely wanted and was ''waiting for'' were... not necessary for her personally, and that being child-free is... pretty... great? I think she has some similar-age / stage friends who were genuinely extremely upset and worried and sad and lonely about the not being married, not having kids and she said it was a slow dawning that loving travel, loving independence, loving and being the very best-possible godmother / aunt / amazing with kids person, getting ahead in her career actually kind of was easier as a single person. I do feel that she might like to meet someone as a romantic partner, or would be open to the notion, but the whole ''why aren't you married'' nonsense just is a stage and not worth getting het up over.
@Caroline, Definitely! It's also useful to remember that these so-called life stages are very hetero-normative and a little sexist; men generally don't define themselves in that way (not to say that men don't want to get married or don't share some of these struggles, but socially there's less pressure).
To the writer of the letter, give up yourself permission to grieve what is past. It's hard to accept the new story, but you can mourn and move forward. Not that the sorrow is gone, but see what you can do and make it so. I allow myself a cry in the car when I drive to work, when I am praying for certain children and situations, and then I go about my day, caring about my students, my other children, etc. I think about the father in the prodigal son story, and I wait like he did, ready to welcome back my lost lambs when they come up the road. ( Mixing up my parables, but I hope you understand.) it's lonely, though, as sharing this sorrow is hard, and it's not just my story. I have only 2 people who know about my situation outside of close family. I want to yell at people sometimes to ask me about it, but then I know I couldn't say much. Sigh.
Please know you're not the only one, and we'll ray for each other.
@mbmom11, You can yell at me via e-mail, if you want, since I don't actually know you in real life. 🙂
@kristin @ going country,
Thank you. These are such big things. This whole post has me crying. Although it's hard, it's a weird comfort to know other people have hard things but keep going. That's why "I Am Not Okay" by Jelly Roll has become my theme song. "It's not okay, and that's alright."
Yes; I so often say that there is room for both. We can simultaneously hold the grief in one hand and the joys in the other, and it is important not to lose focus on either.
@mbmom11, like you, only two or three people knew about our family issues but we made a conscious decision to avoid judgement and criticism.
For some people (speaking of myself, here), things just take extra time compared to other people. Realizing that off-scripting has happened, realizing that a new script has arrived, recognizing new/different arcs and opportunities, recognizing events/trends and outcomes — sometimes it just takes more time than it seems to take other people, even if you think you are aware/alert. Most of the time it's not bad that it takes more time, just a fact, although sometimes when you're out of step with age/stage peers, you feel awfully weird.
You said at one point to remove yourself from social media during the holidays. It might be beneficial to remove social media a lot more than just the holidays and realize not everyone's life is as perfect as it appears on social medial. A lot of social media is fake, and we must realize that. Once we can get past that, we can look at our lives and also realize that we do have it pretty good. And also realizing that "we are pounding our heads against a wall because 'we don't have what everyone on social media has'" is very exhausting. Do you want to be exhausted by social media or happy with what you have? How can you make it better with what you have on hand or can you make do for a while? Can you sit and start a conversation with someone to make a point without blowing up? Is having a discussion to see both points of view a solution to solving problems?
We do have to look inside ourselves and see how we can make our lives a little happier. It's tough, but I think we can all do it. It is too exhausting and tiring being unhappy all the time.
Agreed on the social media; no matter what time of year, if I feel myself getting sucked into comparisons, I step away.
That can happen randomly through the year, of course, but the holiday times are just so especially hard if you are dealing with a fresh loss or change. I can say that the holidays are way easier for me now than they were a few years ago, though, and I think it's because I have had time to adjust to my new reality, and I am way more able to see the good in it.
@Maureen, my life is infinitely more bearable because the only social media in my life is this blog (along with a few others I’ve “met” through this blog) and my own, which almost only consists of interacting with people I know in real life.
Are blogs “social media”? I think of it as correspondence with friends I haven’t yet met, who graciously and honestly (oops, an assumption on my part) share their lives and wisdom and experience with one another.
I am the parent of four adult children, and oh how easy it is to count my regrets and all the "I wish I had" or "I wish I hadn't" moments. One thing that helps me greatly--as I am a believer in Jesus-- is to pray each day "Lord, multiply what I did right and redeem what I did wrong." HE can take my ineffective and very human attempts at parenting and bring about good in the lives of my kids! Well said, Kristen!
@Julia, so beautiful. Thank you!
@Julia, What a great prayer. I will definitely remember it!
@Julia, amen!
@Julia, I often pray this about my interactions with my students.
In my 12 step program we have a very famous passage:
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.”
Following this principle has been the greatest gift of my life ( which includes 37 years of sobriety.) A really important caveat: I couldn't swallow the acceptance rule whole heartedly until I learned an important distinction:
Acceptance is not approval. I may not approve what is happening. That is not a requirement. I would rather be happy than right these days.
Yes, I think of acceptance as not fighting reality. You don't have to love reality or approve of it, but it is helpful to accept it as it is. And then you can work on what is actually inside of your control!
@Mary Ann,
Thanking you for this bit of wisdom. Acceptance is my word of the day.
@Mary Ann, “acceptance is not approval” is a VERY important distinction. Along the same lines, tolerance is also not approval.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, Tolerance is a lost art these days. ;-(
@Mary Ann, I was thinking of commenting something similar, but you said it much more beautifully than I could have. Thank you!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, The problem I have with this is that, and thinking about the politics we are experiencing in this country right now, if I don't express disapproval or, in some cases, drop them as friends or even family, then I am complicit in things like how illegal immigrants are being rounded up. (Even if you agree they should be rounded up, the way it is being done is horrific and inhumane and selective in terms of the color of people being hunted down.) My parents and grandparents ended up in camps because people silently disapproved of what friends and relatives were doing, instead of calling them out on their hate mongering and othering of humans so they didn't seem worth worrying about. Today it is them; tomorrow it is me. My family lived it so I will not remain quiet or passive. I do call it out, even if it means the rupturing of some relationships.
@Lindsey, Agreed! And if those people care about illegal immigration then logically they should be involved in returning land to Native Americans. Funny how they don't...!
I love all the comments and encouragement, but I would also add that people often only share the good news. My only child graduated from college and landed her dream job a couple years ago. She then moved up to another dream job earlier this year when that role in government ended, but it is only 25 hours a week. But, she is filling in the gaps with two side hustles that she LOVES. All this is good, but she is on ACA insurance in the south and was diagnosed last year with an autoimmune disease that affects her life daily. On the outside her life is dreamy with work that most kids her age would love to have - any of the three roles. But she deals with daily pain along with the anger that comes with this type of diagnosis. She knows we are always there for her and we talk frequently, I love that we have such a good (with frequent rocky patches, she is in her early 20s after all) relationship. We will share the good, but often keep our heartache to ourselves. Virtual hugs to you and your children.
@Tish, people who share bad news appear to be whiners and complainers on social media. Bleeding in public isn’t any more appealing than braggadocio. Thinking about this causes me to wonder what is the point of social media. Life was simpler when we only talked in person to people we knew. But as with everything, it is a mixed bag. The encouragement, helpful tips, and camaraderie here is excellent, and seems to be without vitriol, public bleeding, or braggadocio. So, again I ask, is this Commentariat considered social media??
Such wisdom. . . thank you!
Amen to all of this. My own script went way, way off track. About the last thing I ever expected was to be living 700 miles from my childhood home, widowed, with kids and grandkids, and still working at this age. (My original plan didn't include kids, believe it or not.)
Although I knew the chances of DH and I growing old together in decent health were slim, I still had this vague idea we could buck the odds of T1 diabetes. So much for that script. I'm still sometimes asking myself what the heck happened these last few years.
I find allowing my grief is definitely in order, but staying stuck in grief is not.
The new script is here, so I need to work with it and make the best of it, starting with looking for the positives. It's hard to do when the pain is ongoing, but if the situation won't change, then my reaction to it needs to, and if it takes therapy/prayer/grief group, I'll do it. We need to find ways to handle pain and stress so that it doesn't ruin our health, other relationships and mental health.
I know 99.99% of the people here have been through or are going through some really hard things. I love what Kristen wrote. Look how different her life is now compared to a couple of years ago! My mother's favorite saying when life knocked her down, which it did on the regular, was "When God closes a door, he opens a window." That's what I aim to do - look for that window.
I know your life shift is different than mine, but I think we can relate to each other in a lot of ways; I nodded a lot as I read your comment!
@JD, as usual, we're on the same wavelength. I particularly admire "allowing my grief is definitely in order, but staying stuck in grief is not." I cry when I need to, but then I pick myself up and go on. You do the same, I'm sure. Peace be unto you.
@JD, like @A.Marie, you are a role model here for navigating difficult and unexpected challenges and circumstances with dignity and aplomb!
I spent many many years wondering how my parents allowed my brother to turn out the way he did. Constant trouble, mental challenges and absolute failure to launch were causing constant problems for all of us, and now for me since I took it over after our parents passed away.
However, a chance meeting with a professor who agreed to at least listen to the story set me emotionally free from that cycle. This professor gave me his respected opinion that there was probably no good way to prevent this cycle and no matter what my parents had chosen to do, we'd likely still be in this place.
Of course that didn't make things ok, or give us a path to follow. However, it was amazingly therapeutic to just stop wondering what could have been and stop blaming the actions of others for a situation that simply can't be handled well-at least in this country.
We are, unfortunately, in a situation that was never really going to improve. It sucks, but there is no one to blame. The woulda/coulda/shoulda is at least over.
Yes. There is some freedom in realizing that some people in the world will not ever improve no matter how the rest of us relate to them. Sending you love.
A friend of mine and I go to breakfast and talk about how our children are doing. We are just excited when things seem to be going well for all 5 of them. Six month ago: 1 was working full time with a husband and 4 kids, 2 was workign full time at a job she finally like, 3 was married in the service, 4 was trying to decide what was next after a disability diagnosis, and finally 5 was in college soon to graduate and get his dream job. Now: same order, 1 took some time off to be with husband after a diagnosis of his own, 2 just got laid off and is looking to the future, 3 service member has a baby on the way but mom is concerned because he is so far away, 4 starts school in the fall, and 5 is reevaluating his options because dream job is no longer an option. I feel like a lot of the time we just want to have these folks be happy and they are never all happy. But they all still look to the future, sometimes get angry and then regroup. This is the life we taught them to follow.
Doors close. Doors open. If you keep staring at the one that closed you miss the one that just opened.
@JDinNM, Havelock Ellis said it well: "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
Whew, I needed this today. Moving into summer break and feeling like I can't do "all the things" with my kids, when in reality, the luxury of being able to be here with them all summer is pretty great. They may not think so every minute but 😉
I've had to rewrite my script several times through cancer diagnosis, job loss, Covid and realizing it's ok for your story to change several times along the way.
Sending this to my wife as she's been telling me lately a lot of similar things as you've written. 🙂 🙂
Thanks for this, and a very belated congrats!
I don't have any advice to add but I do appreciate hearing yours. I never thought this would be my story either as you, or so many others, have shared. The author Eckhart Tolle shared that once he realized that "life is hard", he could accept that, know that and move on instead of flailing against the idea that it shouldn't be. The secret to having it all? Knowing that you already do.
I was raised in the South in the 80s. I went to a large Southern university in the late 80s, early 90s and joined a sorority. My old sorority friends all have kids my kids' age. I have three children and none of them chose a path that is remotely like my friends' kids. They share prom pictures in gorgeous dresses, mine are not the prom type. My middle daughter left home at 18, no college, no plans. I watched on social media as my friends decorated their kids' dorm rooms (completely over the top, by the way). It hurt not to be experiencing those things.
I finally coped by making myself the center of my universe. They are grown and I did my best to give them everything they need to succeed in life. I like to think that those lessons are still in there somewhere. I am available if they need me, but they rarely do. They are independent, for better or for worse. I focus on what makes me happy now. I have a new plan for my life that includes travel and adventure. I spend my days preparing for that future, and also doing things that make me happy. It took time, but now I can look at my friends' pictures on social media and smile. I still have a twinge of envy, but I also know that those pictures don't tell the whole story - there is strife in their world as well. Everyone has a struggle.
Agreed on building your own life once your kids have grown; if they are independent and don't need much from you, then focusing on your own life as a person is a fabulous idea! We can build a beautiful life without necessarily needing other people to cooperate. 😉
@Stephanie D., sometimes we as parents struggle to remember that it is our job to teach & raise our kids to be successful independent people who can take care of themselves & hopefully do some good in the world. It is our job to give our kids wings to grow & fly even though we want to hold them close.
Wow this really hits home. My unintended life turns took the form of my parents divorcing when I was young and then years of abuse in childhood. I remember growing up and longing for all of the things my friends didn't seem to notice or be thankful for like a Dad who picked them up from activities, ate dinner with the family, or told silly jokes. Later on in life more abuse came along with the knowledge that those adults that were supposed to protect me were the ones that never stood up for me.
All of this thick dysfunctional soup leeched into my adult life. I began therapy with no skills to speak of let alone any kind of healthy view of relationships or life for that matter.
Years of hours on couches and more time getting to know who it is I really am and I am now someone I am proud of.
In my situation I learned several things - I cannot control other people's actions/behaviors but I can control my own, I will never look to others to determine how I feel about myself or my place in life, I have a voice and I know how to use it, No is a complete sentence, I have a family that I love & I will make my own traditions and enjoy them - cultural norms are nice but we live in a fallen world and no one's life looks like a Norman Rockwell painting, and probably the most important lesson....I will never understand the actions or outcomes that resulted from those years. Spinning my wheels trying to figure it out is a waste of my time.
Building a life for myself that I can take joy in has been so wonderful. It is not the fairytale but it is pretty darn close. I find peace in knowing that this path has shaped me as a person and formed me into the kind of Mother that I so longed for in my own growing up. None of us are perfect and no situation is perfect. You give it your best and leave the rest to God. Just my two cents 😉
I think you have done a great job of learning things in therapy. Cheering you on!!
@Angie, you go, girl! An excellent description of a hard journey.
There are a million actions you can take in your life but one you cannot take is controlling others. If you are stuck my therapist friend would ask what pay off there if for being stuck. In every behavior there's a reward. Stuck included. It's hard to look at ourselves sometimes but often we are creating our own reality. Choose a different one I say. 🙂 Nobody gets out of here unscathed or with the version of their life they thought would happen. But you just may find that you have been freed up to experience things you never dreamed of.
Even though children may not be living their lives as you would have liked AT THIS TIME, sometimes their pathways curve back into something more closely resembling what you had originally envisioned.
It's like praying to God. People often say that Good didn't answer their prayers, when what they really mean is he didn't answer the prayers the way they wanted. The answer could be (just like with good parents) yes, no, or not yet/not right now.
Children can't be controlled, only taught, and it's up to them what they do with that teaching. Our daughter got into all kinds of trouble her junior/senior year of high school. Finally, approaching 35, she is in a MUCH better place, and she doesn't look at us as impediments or stupid any more. She asks for help and advice OFTEN now and told me not too long ago that we were good parents and she had been the one that was stupid and put up roadblocks to having a good relationship.
Sometimes it just takes time.
Also, you have to remember that on social media (and in person too!), people generally show the cleaned-up, non-messy parts of their lives and sweep the dirt under the rug where you can't see it. EVERYBODY has something eating at them, but 99% of them hide it.
@Ruth, I agree, you can teach a child but it's up to them. DS #2 got into a very sticky situation (around the same time DS#1 had his medical issues, oof) and it's all in the rearview mirror but it really did make him take stock of how he was handling his life and he's been reflecting on it lately. He's said, "You and dad did a good job teaching me, I was just being a moron!" Which was kind of sweet to hear.
I only like the Bible and prayer. Maybe I’m more flawed and need more than other human input. I like getting advice from the almighty sovereign of the universe.
OMG, I could write a book here, and I suspect we all could! About half of my life has gone pretty much as I planned - - the work side. I joined the Army after high school so I go to college. I went to college and got the job I wanted and worked in that career for 30 years before I retired about 9 years ago. I also stayed in the Army for 23 years and that part turned out great too. So I have retirement from two jobs and I could make it on my own if I had to. So the work part was pretty good. But the personal side has been a bit of a mess. I have been married three times. But I'm happy to say that the third time has turned out to be the charm pretty much. We've been married 30 years. We've had our ups and downs but we're still hanging in there. But I'm proud of myself for not putting up with crap during my first two marriages. And it was hard to decide to leave both times but I did it for me and I did it for my son. And I'm sad I didn't have more children. I would have liked to have at least another one, but it just didn't work out.
I don't dwell on the past. I'm a happy person and I accept my mistakes and I've learned from them. But I also celebrate my triumphs and I think that's all anybody can do.
Kristen,
This so hits home for me. I admire you and value your opinions. I have children that are older than you and I have followed you when you and your family were decorating cookies for a "guess-who-decorated-what-cookie" contest. And from the outside looking in, I thought you had it all together; why didn't I think of that when my kids were small....?
Well, life is full of twists and turns isn't it? I lost my children's father to cancer at age 42. I re-married and now 30 years later, my husband is a resident at my towns care center with dementia because I could no longer care for him myself. I am alone and working through the big financial hit it took to all that we worked towards in our retirement plans and the place we had hope to be. I sold our farm and cattle and moved to a smaller place attempting to lighten my load. But to pay for his care, I had to give up all but our house and two vehicles and most of our savings.
It has been a mountain to climb to say the least, but I have finally come to the conclusion that life is hard and heartbreaking but I always try to remind myself that it could be worse. None of this was in our plan. I have grieved the losses over and over, but FINALLY I've come to the conclusion that I'm ok; I will survive. Yes, I still cry from time to time, and when people tell me how strong I am; they are clueless. I wasn't given a choice in this but I intend to make the most of what's left. No one is exempt to sadness and troubles in this life. It's all in how you react to them. I just keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. I am so grateful for the many good and wonderful people and things that have come my way because of my situation. I know of no one that can say that this is exactly how they planned their life to be. But, if you took your problems and compared them to someone else's and were asked to choose between them, you would probably always choose your own. That I'm sure of.
@Donna, I feel for you in your predicament with your husband's dementia in particular. The current elder care situation in the US is a scandal--and, unfortunately, it's only going to get worse. Solidarity forever.
@Donna, But you did have a choice; plenty of people bug off when a partner gets ill. You have honored your commitment. I have a number of times asked my husband why he stays and he always says, "These times were promised to me when I agreed to for better or for worse. And we have had so many for betters that the for worses cannot even compare."
I love everything you said here. Often easier said than done, but those muscles will get stronger with practice.
In my devotion today I read something that speaks to this: “Sometimes the Lord calms the storm; sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.”
I love that you've shared so often your life! I would only add one thing to those still struggling with " ...not the way I'd have...": Volunteer. I always come away satisfied. Sometimes I don't want to, and it costs me sometimes to do so, but it's always worth it. My story may not be what I imagined, or planned - but in many ways it is so much better than I could have wished for! Put yourself out there; stay busy!
That is such good advice. My life isn't what I expected it to be but I have so many things to be thankful for and I'm happy in spite of disappointments. I read on a card once that "life isn't what we wanted but its what we got. So be happy and stick a geranium in your hat".
I remember when things were so very hard when my children were both little and special needs. I remember being exhausted and worn out and completely "done". I would tell myself, "Thousands of thousands of women have done this before me. I can do it!" it helped to recognize that what I was facing may not be what my next-door neighbor was facing, but it certainly was not something new under the sun. Others have done it and so could I.
dearest kristen i am so sorry for your struggles but you made it through with grace. you have created a safe spot that has taught me so much, what tv shows to watch, great books to read, a sweater razor and so much more, as a teen i felt alone, hopeless, unloved. i gave a party in high school and not a single kid showed up. i was devastated.
today i no longer need glasses due to cataract surgery my kids and hubby adore me. my mother-in-law not so much. she is a true intellectual and i most certainly am not. my stepmom gave away my inheritance to charity, yet she said i would get everything when she passed. i told her i didn't want her to pass. she made my dad give away my dog when i was in college. when my dad passed i never saw her again. she hardly let me see my dad for the 42 years they were married but i knew she made him happy and kept him alive.
but the joke is on her. karma is great. i read as much financial stuff as i can handle and check on my stuff several times a day. my kid's inheritance from my aunt has tripled in 7 years. my rent is low because i have lived in my one bedroom apt since 1991. no dishwasher, no air conditioning, no car.
when my dad was dying i went to see him in the er he was having trouble breathing, his eyes were rolled up to the top of his head, from my ten years of hospice volunteering, i knew he was more on the other side than this one. my stepmother was shouting at me to tell him he would get better i ignored her and told him he could go and i would be alright. i told him i love him, i thanked him for college and paying for my wedding and thanked him for life.
i am so grateful for the life i have now. my current family is 1000% better than my family of origin. i believe in living life with hope.
I think you said it all and very well. I will only add that no one I know has lived the life they thought they would. Each day is another unknown, isn’t it? I believe it’s part of the Grand plan. At 20 if you understood what we do at 40, 60, and 80 why would we try to plan our lives? It’s the optimism of youth and ignorance that spurs us on. As it should be.
"I have people around me that share how wonderful their kids are doing, hitting all the “milestones”, found their jobs, their mates, maybe have kids of their own."
I take comments like these with a grain of salt. *IF* you can verify then all is fine and well. *IF* not, some creative story.
A parent(s) who are invested do his/her/their best. Life happens. Are you happy otherwise? More important, are your kids happy? Far too often, a parent(s) dream is not the dream of the child(ren). That is okay.
A girl in my class was the best athlete in her family BUT her dad just *COULD NOT* accept this. Perhaps it was for the best because after every game his sons played, it was the dad's rehash of mistakes of the sons.
Don't beat yourself up - you gave it your best.Tell your friends you kids are happy. And that is important.
"My new life is beautiful even though it is not what I expected at all."
**Chef's Kiss**
And sad to say far too many parents want to live/have a do-over via their child(ren).
There is huge benefit to *NOT* being a touch-feely person. I don't get to tell my over age 18 children how to live their lives. My dad once told me he never lost sleep over things he could not control. If my child(ren) were not safe and/or in danger, I'd worry. But that is not the case. I'm a believer of the saying you made your bed now lie in it.
I've been browsing through your ooooold posts and when it comes to writing your own stories and the first picture in this post, I'm just going to quote one of your posts from 2010. 😀
"It came with a little tag that said “meow” on it, and since the odds of me EVER owning a furry pet that walks around my house are nil..."
I can briefly share:
I left a very abusive marriage Jan 2, 2023. I recently had ankle surgery as well. My best friend let my children and I move in. I lived on her recliner for a few months doing physical therapy and applying for jobs. I had my masters but was a stay at home mom for years.
I literally left with some clothes and hygiene products. He had financially abused me as well. I had nothing. I worked hard to rebuild my credit, the Woman’s Shelter is handling my divorce pro bono, I got a job I love as a mobile crisis worker that I’ve been doing for almost 2 years. I found a 3 bedroom house to rent. I bought my first car in my name in December. It’s used but mine. My abuser was dealt justice. I wrote and read my victim impact statement and he is on probation for two years. I got my life in therapy and they are all doing well.
I will never rely on anyone financially ever again. I am in EMDR therapy every week and healing and finally thriving.
I am also evidence that the odds can be beat.
@Ash, You're incredible!
I am, once again, blown away by your wisdom. Such wise words and very comforting.
As a person who is (trying to be) spiritual/religious, I try to see that my life plan might not be God’s plan for me and that I can’t see far enough into the future to know what’s right for me. It’s hard to trust that but it’s a form of radical acceptance.
This is all very good but one point you did not touch on is what if you can't look back feel you did your best? What if you do feel you made mistakes that put you where you are?
That is such an inspirational and motivating post, Kristen!
I plan to reread it often; it definitely resonates with me. Thank you so much for writing it!
Oh, I am so glad it was helpful to you!
I so, so empathize with this person. I too, having 3 children, that none of which decided to do anything 'normal'. Prison, drugs, early pregnancies, the list goes on. I am saddened each time I hear a friend or co-worker mention something grand that their child did, said, etc. The jealously is real, of wanting something to be that will never be.
I pray daily that their lives will turn around and I realize I have done all I can/could do. I let go, and let God because I know that I cannot do a thing about any of their situations. They are adults and have made their choices. Their choices are not what I would have choose and definitely not the example I have set, but theirs all the same.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your troubles; this is a lot of heartbreak, and I think you are handling it in the best way possible. Sometimes we can pour all our effort into something, making well-thought-out choices, and still the result is not what we would hope.
Sending you love. <3