10 ways to bless someone without spending a lot
I'm traveling back from Texas today, so here's a post from the archives. I wrote this almost four years ago, during my first marital separation, so I probably was drawing from personal experience of what blessed me in my own trials!
I had a thought yesterday, which was this: if you are on a tight budget and you have a friend or family member who is going through a rough time, you might feel a little bit helpless to assist them.
Because let's face it, money is sometimes useful for blessing others in hard situations.
But as I was pondering this, I thought about how you don't necessarily need to spend a lot to bless someone who is struggling.
So, I'll share some ideas, and I'd love for you to share your ideas in the comments as well.
1. Listen and empathize.
Using your ears is free. And so is the act of offering empathetic responses.
You don't necessarily have to solve someone's problem or come up with a solution; if you put yourself in their shoes, imagine their pain, and let them know you understand that what they're going through is really hard, that will probably mean the world to them.
2. Give a hug.
Assuming, of course, that they like hugs. You'll have to go off of what you know about the person you're trying to bless. 😉
I do like hugs, and so I can tell you that for someone like me, a hug means the world. And it costs nothing.
3. Make them some food.
And as a general rule, do not ask them to let you know if they need it, because at least here in the U.S., people are terrible at asking for help, especially if they are in an overwhelmed state.
Say, "I'd love to make a meal for you this week. What night could I bring it over?"
It doesn't need to be fancy or expensive. For example, a pot of soup and a loaf of bread could seriously cheer someone up.
4. Buy a small edible gift.
Once when I was feeling discouraged, a friend brought me a chocolate bar with a little note, and it made me feel pretty darn loved. Five dollars or less can get the job done nicely!
5. Give childcare.
As with the meal, I've found it's good to offer specific help rather than a general, "Let me know if you need me!"
So..."Can I take your kids to the park on Wednesday?", or "I'd love to give you a break. Can I come get your kids one day this weekend?"
6. Share a song/quote that encouraged you.
If a quote or some song lyrics helped you through a tough time, they might help someone else too.
7. Send a text or email to let them know you are thinking about them.
Texts and emails are lovely because they don't require interaction on the part of the receiver (as opposed to a phone call). You can just send your love to the person, and they can easily choose whether or not they want to interact.
It means a lot to me when someone checks in on me, so I try to remember to do that when someone else is having a tough time.
(Or even when they're not! It's always nice to know someone is thinking about you, even in the good times.)
8. Share encouraging words.
You have to tread a little carefully here, because some well-meaning encouragement sometimes makes people feel like you are minimizing their pain.
"This was meant to be." "It could be worse." "At least xyz didn't happen."
I find it to be most helpful if someone empathizes with me first, and then reminds me of some encouraging things.
"Hang in there."
"I love and care about you."
"You will get through this."
"You are not alone."
"I'm here for you."
And since I'm a Christian, it helps if my friends remind me of comforting Christian concepts, like that Jesus walks with me through trials, that he weeps with me in my pain, that he will bring good to me, etc.
So if you share a faith with the person you're trying to bless, sharing something about your common faith might help them.
9. Invite them over for tea or coffee.
It's pretty inexpensive to go out for a hot beverage, but it's even cheaper to drink tea or coffee with someone at your house.
Or you could bring tea and coffee to their house.
10. Pray for them/with them.
Obviously this isn't applicable for everyone, but if you are the praying sort, don't underestimate the blessing that is to other people. Pray for people, and let them know you are!
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Ok. Ten seems like a good spot to stop and have you guys share your ideas. 😉
If they are doing some form of doctors appointments or treatments, offer to take them. Fuel isn't the cheapest but you also have the time spent with them in traveling.
Ooh, that's a great idea!
Yes! When my wonderful Husband was recovering from Surgery, I would really have liked for someone ELSE to go pick up meds from the pharmacy for the 89th time!
Second the recomendation to be specific and definitive. "I'm going to the supermarket tomorrow. What do you need?" is better than "Let me know how I can help."
Ideally the person will give you a specific list ("Axe shaving gel, any size" rather than "shaving cream") and money (because it's easier to give someone the change from $40, than to get $35.76 from them). But don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good enough.
If you make them food, try to use containers you don't need back (that's just another darn thing for the recipient to keep track of) and include cooking instructions. I write the instructions in magic marker right on the wrapper ("heat at 350F till hot through, about 40 min") because separate pieces of paper can get lost.
I agree, it's nice to give food in a container they don't have to return - I made lasagne for my neighbour in a foil tray so she could put it straight in the oven and then throw out the container after.
@Deidre, someone here posted the idea of buying dishes at the thrift store to use when taking food which I love. Price of the dish is comparable with disposable pan but doesn't need to be returned. The recipient could reuse the dish or donate it as they choose.
I love the text idea--and I would add--when I am texting someone who is struggling/hurting/grieving, who I know may not feel like chatting, I always start with "No need to respond, just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you....etc". Maybe it's not necessary but I don't want him/her to feel burdened with the need to acknowledge my text. I feel like it gives them the freedom to just be encouraged without thinking that I am expecting a response. It's a small thing, but I think it means a lot.
I will also put in a plug for a good old fashioned card. The dollar store has them for CHEAP. Trader Joe's cards are lovely and they're all just $1, and I often get BEAUTIFUL cards at TJ Maxx, HomeGoods, etc. An inexpensive card that includes a heartfelt HANDWRITTEN message plus one stamp can often mean so much. Sadly, it's a lost art, but I think it's important and deserves to be revived.
Jen, I am going to borrow your opening line ("No need to respond"). Sometimes responding can be the hard part. Thanks!
I agree with sending cards!! I'm only in my thirties, but I love to send and receive cards. 🙂
@Jen,
I love "no need to respond".
@Jennifer Y., I'm going to copy it, too! Thanks so much.
I third the recommendation for specific offers of help. I'm in a season right now where people keep saying, "Whatever you need, we'll do it." Problem is there's so much I need I don't know wehre to start. But people who've said, "All the handyman tasks are mine" or "I'm doing all your yardwork" have been so helpful to me because I know exactly who to call in those situations. I have enough on my plate trying to keep on going; adding the delegation of tasks is too much at the moment.
Another way to be speicific is to say, "I'm available on Monday from 1-4. Use me how you want, but I'll be with you." It's forward, but it shows exactly the amount of time you're offering to help.
@Kaitlin, I love the time slot idea! Thank you for sharing that, I'm going to use that sometimes.
Kristen, I LOVE the way you phrase things to give help. Several years ago I had many family members pass away in a short amount of time. I know people meant well when they said, "Let me know if you need anything," but you're right. There's a stigma against asking for help in our culture.
You have to be very specific when offering help to someone. Of course, don't push yourself down their throats, but these suggestions here are very effective for giving help without making the recipient feel awkward.
Great piece!
Not important, but that tea cup is in my daughter's china pattern.
Yes to all of this, and especially to being specific with help. When my parents died, I had a friend who had recently lost her dad call me and ask, "Are you like I was, and don't have a single black thing to wear?" I was. She loaned me the black dress she bought for her dad's funeral, which I wore to my parents' double funeral.
The evening before her dad's funeral, I had brought over a big pan of homemade muffins, because I find that breakfast often gets missed on the day of a funeral. She told me later it was all they had to eat the day of the funeral until 1 p.m., so they were glad to have them!
A neighbor has twice just come over and mowed our yard when my husband's been out of action due to surgery, then a fall. We appreciated that for sure.
An older (local) friend of mine was diagnosed with an inoperable brain cancer. I wrote her a letter, telling her how much she had influenced me and my kids (she had taught both of them), how much I enjoyed working with her on committees, how I enjoyed her sense of humor, etc. I drew a little teacup with a mouse peeking out of it on the page, because she was a fine china and tea type of lady. When I saw her next, she came straight to me and hugged me tight, telling me it was the best present I could have given her. Little things really do mean a lot.
What a good post! I feel happier now, somehow.
I love this! When my dad died unexpectedly, my mom had a dear friend who brought over a lovely basket of food and included paper good (plates, napkins, silverware) because she knew the house would be full of people coming and going and no one would want to bother with dishes. This same dear friend placed kleenex packets and mints on the three pews that had been reserved for family during my dad's funeral. It was such a thoughtful thing to do--something that many people don't even think about. Finally, so many people wrote notes on Facebook about my dad and how he had influenced them/helped them, etc. A few weeks after the funeral, this same dear friend printed out all those notes and comments--five copies, one for my mom and one for each of us kids, and gave them to us. It was such a thoughtful gesture. Makes me cry right now, thinking of my dear daddy, who has been gone 5 years. It really doesn't take much (or ANY) money to show someone you care.
Kristen, if the world only listened to you then it would be a much happier place! With the advent of so many electronic devices, I fear our society is losing that personal touch. Especially with that younger generation, I am afraid it is lost already. Since they will be caring for us when we are old, it worries me about the lack of empathy and compassion.
Oh and the Old Country Roses China is my wedding pattern too. I loved it so much that I got 8 place settings from "Santa" the last Christmas I lived at home!
@JD, I have a friend that kindly dropped off a selection of black dresses for me to choose from for my dad's funeral because she knew I would struggle with what to wear. She just left them on the porch and texted me to let me know they were there. I will never forget that act of kindness.
This one's kind of weird, but when my friend's mother passed, I loaned her the large picture frame we used for my mom's service. I told her that Costco does large blow-ups for super cheap. We decided that since our moms were quite alike (but not known to each other), it would be okay to put her mom's picture right over my mom's so my mom could go along for the service, as my mom loved to travel and meet new people. We both got quite a kick out of this, which eased us both through a difficult time. When my dad died, we used the frame again, with smiles for its colorful history.
Come to think of it, since the blow-ups are under well $20 IIRC, if you had a large (thrifted, of course) frame, it would be a nice act of service to take care of that detail for someone who is planning a service for a loved one.
Finally, Kristen, I want you to know I noticed and appreciate your inclusive wording. Not everyone is a believer, and it's nice to remember that we can all feel the joy of being blessed, even if our belief systems are not the same.
Oh, and JD, your story made me happy, too. What a thoughtful gift! You've inspired me to write some thank-you notes today.
Wonderful story.....
I have a disabled friend who recently moved to my town from across the country. She has difficulty walking, and if she drops something she often cannot bend over to pick it up. I visit her every week, for an afternoon, and clean her kitty box, sweep, vacuum, etc. I never have enough time to do all that I would like to for her, but I clean as much as I can in the two hours that I am there. My teenage daughter goes along big with me, and she cleans as well and also visits with “auntie.” We are blessed by our time visiting.
Hi Susan,
Perhaps a grabber or reacher would be a great gift for this dear friend. They are inexpensive on Amazon, and would allow her to pick things up on her own when she's alone. I'm sure you and your daughter are an amazing blessing to her!
I love this blog post. When I was going through surgery and treatment for cancer a few years ago, neighbors and friends teamed up to help my spouse walk our two huge dogs, picked up groceries, and even drove all the way from Pittsburgh with a cooler-full of delicious prepared meals for the freezer, so that I (the cook in the family) didn't have to worry about dinners for almost two months. I'm not good at asking for help, so the fact that they just stepped up and did these things (and so much more) was such a gift.
It wasn't due to a difficult time, but one year my son was going to be gone for a lot of the Christmas season and there were several young families with children 2 and under at my church. I offered them a few hours each and I said I'll go shopping with you and corral the kids, I'll watch them at your house while you sleep/wrap presents/go out and a couple other ideas. So I guess it goes with trying to be specific in an offer to help - give them a time frame and some options because they may not be thinking straight.
PS. One mom took her older child out for errands and I had my one and only chance to spend time with 6 month old twins!
Kristen, this is such a lovely post. I really appreciate your suggestions of being specific with your offers to help. And for the actual words to express one's sincere offer to help with a specific task. In big and small ways, I have found myself quick to reject someone's kind offer to help because it is too open-ended for me......(Well-Meaning Friend: "Can I help you in the kitchen?" Me: "No, thanks!). But I am gracious in accepting specific help......(Well-Meaning Friend: "You are making fruit salad for dessert....can I cut up the pineapple for you?" Me: "Yes, that would be great!")
Exactly. Specific help is so much easier to say yes to.
Agree with offering very specific help in hard times. When my mom died suddenly & young (she was also in a coma for a short time) my siblings & I all had to travel long distances to be with her. Some of the people in her church asked what we would like from Subway & when we didn't want anything they reminded us that our mom loved feeding people & would want us to eat. They very specifically took out a notepad & encouraged us to request what we would like. Then brought sandwiches in cut up slices for easier eating. That was in 2001 & I've never forgotten.
More recently I had an opposite experience that again reminds me to offer very specific assistance. I live alone in a state where I have no family & almost no friends. I don't currently belong to a church. I have chronic pain & last spring went through a bad situation with barely being able to walk due to severe pain for several months. Used a walker but could still not get groceries etc. I don't have a vehicle & depend on walking & getting to bus stops etc. Have a facebook friend I'd met once & she & her husband are Christians who I know like to help people based on their posts but when I posted something on FB regarding not being able to walk she posted back & said to ask them if there was anything they could do. Well.....Not so much. That was one of those vague offers I didn't know how to react to. I finally got desperate for groceries & tentatively IM'd her to ask if they could give me a ride to a nearby grocery store. They are retired so are flexible with time. She sent her husband who I didn't know at all although he was kind but it was really uncomfortable. I never asked again & they didn't offer though they must have been aware I still needed help. I finally got rides & help carrying groceries from a case mgr at a clinic I'd been to.
Specific offers are by far the most helpful!
@akbj, I've been on this cancer journey of mine for almost 15 months now and I have come to believe that those vague offers of 'help' aren't real offers at all. I think the person offering means well, but it's more of a desire to change your situation that actually offer physical/emotional help. It's the people who say either "what can I do" or "let me do xyz" or just do something they know needs doing that really want to help. It's been hard for me to understand this and I am also very poor at asking for help so it makes for some pretty lonely times.
Sometimes it's the people you expect least that help the most and the ones you most expect who help the least, if that makes any sense!
Send a card. Yes, it's old fashioned but it gives them something physical to hold onto when things are hard.
Yes on cards!. Mailing something means people can open the letters in their own time in private. That could be especially tactful for anniversaries of a loss, birthdays, holidays, and other times when a loved one is present in thoughts that are hard to articulate.
Such a great list. Thank you! I'm saving it on my hospitality board.
Someone sent me a Youtube song this morning & it was such a sweet encouragement.
Another thing I love to give & receive are ecards. Dayspring has very nice ecards for free. https://www.dayspring.com/ecards
Handwritten notes & letters are probably at the top of my list. I realize postage is going up & cards are not always cheap but really a sincerely written note or letter is the very best thing. My husband writes the best letters. He uses old notebook paper but his words are the best.
Fun fact: when adjusted for inflation, the cost of a first-class stamp has remained about the same for the last 40 years.
Childcare... Yessssssss.
A friend of mine was pregnant with her second child and I found out halfway through that she had to take her 1yo to her doctor appointments with her. I live close to her doctor, so I asked her to being him over to my house during her appointment. She got a break and didn't have to worry about keeping him contained and occupied. My kids got a playdate.
After my third was born, my almost-2yo and 4yo were really overwhelming (so excited to have Mommy, Daddy, and baby home). A friend took them to their house for a day-long playdate for our first day home and it was a HUGE help! It let me rest and get a little bit of alone time with me baby. 🙂
When I was 7 and my sister was 6, my dad was deployed for 2 years and my mom had us and the house all by herself. It had a large front yard, and our neighbors on either side split the task of mowing the yard. I don't think anyone asked them, they just noticed it needed doing, and did it.
Several years ago I had a friend who's father had died. She has 3 daughters the oldest of which is the same age as my daughter. I told her I'd watch the girls when she needed me to. I didn't set a date but I told her I mean it and I'd take all 3 of them. She did it! It's ok to say I'm going to the grocery store, what can I pick up for you but when you need a baby sitter, you need one! I guess she knew I meant it and took me up on it.
So many good stories here! Great topic for a post! When my father-in-law died, family friends asked specifically which day they could bring over Subway sandwich trays to the house, (code for: You don't have to be able to cook to help! and think beyond pizza).
I hope the United States Postal Service stays in business forever. Making an envelope look welcoming with stamps and stickers is even a little lift. BTW, there is a proposal to increase the cost of Forever first class stamps from 50 to 55 cents, though second-ounce stamps might decrease from 21 to 15 cents. If you have a big wedding mailing coming up, plan ahead. The change would be as of the end of January.
Another assistance, IF you feel comfortable and qualified, would be to help a widow/er go through the medical bills that come after a death, making clear you are a discrete friend and not a professional.
One thing I remember from when I was essentially bedridden for over a year and my poor husband was going grey from the financial strain (he had to take a leave to care for me) and the responsibility for all chores, was the friend who told me she had 3 hours on Monday afternoons free and she wanted to use the time to come over and clean our bathroom and change our sheets. I wept in gratitude. My husband was able to use that time to go out for groceries and just be by himself for a few hours.
One time I got it into my brain to write a letter to a minor actress who played a minor character in an old British TV series I loved and saw on PBS many years after it was made. I told her that even though she did the part over 30 years ago, there was someone in Alaska who was still laughing at and enjoying her work. I found her agent's name and sent it off. About three months later I got a letter in spidery script, telling me that she was now in her 80s and in a nursing home. She was a widow and had no children, and had outlived many of her friends, and that she'd received my letter on a very lonely day and it had cheered her immensely. I have never written a fan letter but I was really glad I did this time. She died a few years later and not long after that I was in England and went to their version of a Goodwill place. What did I see but a mug from the series, with her character's picture and name on it. I bought it and think of her when I use it. I hope she knows she is still making me laugh.
I love the story of you writing to the actress! You must have been such a blessing to her.
Love this!
These are all such lovely ideas and lovely responses! On a bit of a lighter note, I once dated a guy who didn't have enough extra cash to buy me flowers for a birthday or anniversary, so he cut out some paper ones he drew and colored them in. It was really sweet, and I think I may even still have them!
That is super cute.
I love these ideas and loved hearing heartfelt ideas to help and comfort!
Another side to these great stories.....a month after my husband passed away, my water heater stopped working. I asked a local contractor, who also goes to my church, if he had time to replace it for me. He did it within 2 days and gave me the bill for ONLY the cost of the water heater. I added $100 dollars onto that amount to the check I wrote him for his labor (which to me seemed still very cheap). But he said " no, I don't want you to pay me for the labor, because God tells me to help widows and orphans in the Bible. God blesses me for helping, and I don't want you to steal my blessing!" He joked with me that I would rob him if I made him take pay for his labor!
I also feel extremely blessed whenever I can help someone else, so it makes me feel better about asking for help myself! The blessings are a two-way street!
What a wonderful man! God bless him!
What a nice post today. I always like to read what you have to say each day. It gives me a lift. When I was being treated for breast cancer a few years ago I was helped so much by simple e-mails and cards. It's always the little things that mean the most.
Yes what a wonderful post, lots of the comments have brought back lovely memories of things people did for me when I lost my dad and later my mum. It's not the size of the gift it's receiving a genuine gift that touches your heart. I love to give & receive cards, I collect all kinds of cards that really speak to me, I much prefer blank ones for my own message & when I feel I want to give someone a card I go through my eclectic collection to find the one that feels right.
I find it hard to ask for help & I'm never sure if most people mean it so I prefer to offer specifically or just do something without them asking like take a meal. Some of my colleagues were very understaffed at one time & were expected to work weekends to catch up on the backlog, the idea popped in to my head to take in afternoon tea so I made scones with real whipped & strawberry jam & took the scones warm from the oven; one friend ran & hugged me; sometimes you don't know what the simplest gesture can bring to people. Lately I've started thinking a lot about people who work faithfully in jobs that are so important & necessary but often go unnoticed. eg I've started thanking cleaning ladies in public toilets for the great job they do. I saw a young man working hard collecting large numbers of trolleys in a shopping centre carpark, I gave him$3 said this isn't much but I wanted to say thankyou for the job you do, he just looked so amazed but literally beamed & said thankyou.
What a timely reminder! Often, I don't know what to do, or I feel like my contribution would be insignificant, so I do nothing. I need to put more effort into being a blessing to others!
Another thing you can offer to do is walk/play with their dogs (if they have dogs, of course). A lot of times when things get crazy or medical issues come up, people feel guilty about the lack of attention their dogs are getting. It's not as big of a deal as kids obviously, but it can still be a big help.
My husband was in hospital for several months. He insisted that the routine of family life went on - kids to school and Scouts and sport, me to work. Somehow we fitted in visiting him at least every morning and night.
The weekend after he arrived home from hospital, two friends arrived unexpectedly from interstate. My friend said - I'm here to help you get your home together again - she brought food and music and energy. We sang and danced while we washed and ironed and cleaned the poor neglected house from top to bottom. Her husband said to my husband, who was still very frail: 'I'll be your hands and feet this weekend'. He did the maintenance and gardening that my husband was fretting about. He even took my husband for a celebratory trip to the hardware store.
My friends stayed at a nearby motel, and took us out for a lovely dinner just before they left. Priceless!
Those are some very good friends!
This past December I suffered a head injury. I had staples in my head and a minor concussion. My husband was away on business when it happened. Head injuries make it hard to function, so things were difficult.
Being December, it was the height of the holiday season and everyone seemed to be wrapped up in Christmas festivities. But one of my dear friends - who is the busiest person I know - called every afternoon to make sure that I had food, brought me to the doctor and she took care of my rescue pup. Such a blessing. I am forever grateful.
Offering pet care in an emergency can be a huge help.
@Bee, pet care is huge! We pet people love our fur babies and taking care of them can be a lot of work. It's nice when someone remembers them during hard times.
I enjoyed this post the first time, and posted a comment at the time (under a different screen name). I'm not sure I realized you were going through a separation then. I'm sorry I missed it and that you're going through another rough patch. Sending loads of virtual《HUGS》your way.
I tested positive for Covid today. I don't feel bad but know that I have to stay home. A friend texted to say she is going to the grocery store later today and to let her know what I need/want. Since this is a short term situation we are fine but it was nice of her to offer.
@K D, Feel better! I hope you recover quickly. I am on week 3 of my battle with Covid. It stinks!!!!!!
Related to #7 above, I sometimes just text a heart emoji to someone who I know needs a little extra care, but may not feel like interacting at the time. My niece lost her mom (my ex sister-in-law), very suddenly earlier this year. We spoke often at the time, but I knew she was so busy many days and so I would just text a heart to let her know I was thinking about her. I still do, to let her know that she is in my thoughts and that I understand that things are still difficult for her.
Compliment them! "You're such a good photographer. You should frame that picture." "I wish I were more like you. I really admire how you...." "Your daughter is so amazing. I can't get over how she..." etc. Just make it sincere.
Sometimes, ask for advice. "You're so knowledgeable about baking. Can you tell me how to make a really good, not dry, chocolate cake?" Most people love to help and share knowledge, especially if they're feeling beaten down and small.
Leave a bouquet of supermarket flowers (get rid of the plastic, etc, to make it look nicer) in a jam jar on their doorstep while they're out. Anonymously.
If you own something nice they've admired and you can part with it, give it to them! "Oh, it turns out I never wear this. It would look better on you anyway. Take it."
Order a Doordash meal or UberEats or even a grocery delivery of staples for them. Anonymously again. (I like anonymous giving for some reason!)
A meal delivered with disposable plates and silverwear. I know it might not be the best for the environment (I try and get the ones that are compostable), but getting a meal and knowing that don't have to dishes or clean up after can be a massive gift.
Depending on what someone is going through, it can be helpful to frame things so that it doesn’t sound like you think they can’t/aren’t keeping up. “I want to come clean your bathrooms on Tuesday” could sound like you think they’re dirty/not a good housekeeper/failing to keep it all together. But, “when I was going through XYZ, I just couldn’t muster the energy to scrub the tub. I’d love to come clean your bathrooms on Tuesday so you can enjoy a nice long bubble bath”, even mentioning if someone did it for you and it helped, sounds more helpful and less accusatory/judgmental. And remember to respect someone’s privacy. Don’t blab about someone’s marital troubles to other people, don’t post about cleaning someone else’s house on social media, etc.
Finally, now that COVID is part of our lives, be respectful of their concerns/comfort level, whether that means porch drop offs or phone calls instead of in-person visits as their preference or yours.
I posted on this originally and I've mentioned here before that my kind neighbor mowed my lawn until I could hire a crew full-time, when my husband got past being able to mow.
I've had wonderful people bring me things and I've had people do things for me at times of need so many times, but the one that really stands out recently was when a Crohn's attack had me in such pain I couldn't get up and I was at the same time horribly nauseated from the pain - my daughter, bless her heart, came over and held the bucket for me. Very specific and not something everyone can - or should - do, but it was sure what I needed right then.
An excellent post, Kristen, and well worth repeating! And so many good suggestions from the commenters.
I see so many complaints on the alzconnected.org caregiver forums about people who say "Call if you need anything" and then disappear that I may just direct folks over here. It may be really helpful among my buddies in the caregiving trenches.
Best regards to everybody.
@A. Marie, one of the most painful things about my mom's long illness with Alzheimer's was that people in the church she had been a member of for nearly 40 years never came to see her once she could not longer come to church. It was as if she dropped off the face of the earth. The minister from my church (a different denomination) took her communion and performed her funeral service because he had visited her for years.
In her obituary, I listed that she was a faithful Baptist, but did not list her church because they were certainly not faithful to her. It would have meant so much to her on her good days to have seen her old friends, if only they would have come.
@Ruby, It breaks my heart that your Mom's friends didn't come to see her after she could no longer go to church.
@A. Marie,
I understand where those folks are coming from. After my husband and I adopted our son as a newborn, people asked us "what do you need?" or "call if you need anything". When I told them "a home cooked meal" or "help cleaning the house", no one was interested. Same when my husband and I were taking care of my mother in law when she had dementia; one lovely friend did bring us dinner, which I will always remember.
@Liz B., They want to hold the baby while you clean the house or make everyone food. Tiresome. My ex MIL was the only one who really helped when I had a newborn, cleaning without being asked.
There have been times when I would have been SO relieved if someone had offered to clean my bathroom, but I would have been too embarrassed to ask. The last time I had surgery (and a long recovery) our bathroom got so dirty. If someone had offered, "I know you probably haven't had energy to clean. Could I come clean your bathroom?"
A gift of a few cookies or sweet treat always brightens my week even in good times.
I agree with offering specific help. Our adult son has major anxiety and struggles to keep up with house work. If I generally say I can come over to help, he doesn't take me up on it since it is difficult for him to ask for what he needs. But if I say, for example, I'm coming over to sweep and mop the floor, then he seems glad to accept the help.
We’ve had a lot of people in our church family go through some really tough trials and terrible losses in the last two years. We have had a number of people lose their parents (including my husband losing his father), a number of people dealing with chronic illness in themselves or their children, and a number lose babies through miscarriage and stillbirths. At times it has been very heavy, but I think we are becoming a community that is learning how to lament well and to weep with those who weep.
One thing I’m trying to get better at is writing down dates when very hard things happen to people so that I can bring them a card and small gift (usually a favorite treat) or even just send a text on some of the hard anniversaries. Because I know something that has been hard for some of my friends has been feeling like everybody moved on after the first week or month.