Q&A | Kids, Marriage, and Money
I have a 5 month old and am finding it hard to connect with my husband. How did you and Mr. FG maintain your relationship and marriage when your kiddos were young?
-Reese
Oh man, I feel totally not qualified to give marriage advice since I'm a frugal blogger, not a relationship blogger. I am expert level at saving pennies, not expert level at marriage-ing!
So, I'll throw out an idea that is not my own: I've seen multiple relationship experts say that things like date nights, overnight trips, vacations, and such are not nearly as important as everyday interactions.
This is good news for people with small children because little kids make it hard to do getaways!
But even with a baby at home, you can do thoughtful things for each other, listen to each other's problems, watch a show together, give each other some downtime, and respond to each other's bids for attention (a Gottman Institute concept).
So, maybe focus on small, mundane, everyday ways that you can connect and show love because those things will still be doable while you are in the baby stage of life.
What do you do when your husband or older children disagree about which things to be frugal about, and have different spending habits?
-Kristina
This is a hard thing for every family, I'm sure. I don't think it's possible for a bunch of people to live in a house together and all magically have exactly the same spending priorities and desires.
I think one of the best ways to solve this is to have systems in place that reduce the need to have debates/discussions about spending.
So, here are a few of the systems that have helped us over the years.
1. Mr. FG and I both have fun money accounts
We do not have to consult each other about fun money spending; it's our own individual decision.
And we have an agreement that if one of us wants something rather selfish/frivolous, it needs to come out of the fun money accounts.
This is seriously freeing, and I highly recommend it to every couple because it offers relief to both the spender and the saver in the relationship.
2. We expect our kids to pay for things that are individual wants, not needs
We provide food, shelter, education, clothing, family trips, etc., and of course we give birthday gifts and Christmas presents.
But if our kids randomly want an electronic device, a new game, a subscription, makeup, an unnecessary piece of clothing (so basically, fun things!), we expect them to pay for it themselves with allowance or odd job money, or as they get older, an actual job.
It's not that we can't afford to buy those things for them; it's that giving them financial responsibility:
- makes them realize the value of a dollar
- helps them ponder whether they REALLY do want an item
- helps them take good care of their things because you tend to value something you paid for yourself
3. We've given Sonia and Zoe a clothing budget
We ordered an extra card for them from FamZoo and we load it up each month with a clothing budget. They're responsible for clothes, shoes, accessories, swimwear, etc. with this money.
The shopping practice this gives them is invaluable. Plus, now they are really grateful for my online shopping tips and tricks, and they are way more interested in shopping secondhand at eBay or ThredUp.
Also, a clothing budget of their own completely eliminates any debates over clothing purchases because it's all up to them.
A still-growing kid can decide if it makes sense to buy a second swimsuit in August, or if it's smarter to make do and wait until spring.
And that pair of Doc Martens is my kid's decision to mull over, not mine!
4. We sometimes split expenses with our kids
Sometimes, especially before our kids have actual jobs, they want something that really is beyond their ability to pay for. If it's something that seems important and valuable, we will split the cost with them.
For instance, we've paid half for a guitar, an amp, a ukelele, a language-learning program, and other items.
We also split our kids' car insurance with them while they are in school, and we help them out with their cell phone bill and gas at first.
Splitting expenses gives them at least some skin in the game and that results in a lot of the benefits I mentioned in #2 above.
What happened to Joshua? You never mention him, so it seems like he fell off the face of the earth.
-Debbie
So many of you have emailed or messaged me asking some variation of this question, and I'm sorry I haven't responded.
Here's what I can say: our relationship has been largely severed for almost a year, and this has not been by my choice.
But, we can only control our choices, not other people's choices. We hold love and hope, always, and we pray that one day, things will be different.
This is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever had to go through, and I have often wished that I could be more open about it (I really, really hate to be vague!!)
But, sticking with my policy of just sharing things that are my story (and stories I've gotten permission to share), I don't think I can blog about this, at least not right now.
If the situation changes in the future, I'll be delighted to inform you all of the good news. But for the moment, I think the most respectful thing is for me to say as little as possible.
My silence on the topic is not because of a lack of motherly love; rather, it is a sign of motherly love.
And if you read some sad undertones in my posts here or on Kristen Prompted...well, now you know why those are there. I would say that I've cried until the tears run dry, but I'm nine months in and the tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this.
I trust that God loves me, that He knows what He's doing. I know that one day, all my tears will be wiped dry, and for now, I try to find joy and contentment in the midst of these hard circumstances.
And I also try to focus on what's in front of me; the kids who want to have a relationship with me right now.
Thank you in advance for understanding that I can't share more. <3 And thank you for caring enough to share your concerns in messages and emails. I appreciate the love those messages show!
I always ask for reader input on Q&A questions. Obviously, that doesn't apply to question #3 today, but if you have input on the first two, go for it in the comments.
P.S. If you have a question you'd like me to answer in a future Q&A post, send me an email with "Q&A" in the subject line.
I am so sorry that you have this grief in your life. It is difficult. But then, families are difficult.
I think you and your husband have some brilliant ideas about fiscal policy and your children.
That is so true; all families are broken in some way, somewhere.
We did things a little differently with clothes when my girls were teens. I supplied the money for the basics , like plain pocket jeans from Penny's. If they wanted Levi's or designer jeans they paid the difference. 2 of my girls r very responsible with money 1one not. Different personalities.
I've been in a similar relationship with my .idle daughter &it stinks but u never stop loving them. After about 4 years she called 1 Mothers Day &asked to visit. She came asked for help with her problem &we gave it. Supporting her emotionly during a difficult time . We have never been sorry &she is very close to us now. So dont give up just keep loving him &praying.
You have such a gentle heart, I've always been so very encouraged in seeing that God calls Himself the (God of all comfort) I pray you lean hard into that comfort and know He never wastes anything,He is always working and carves out things in pain that deepen us. It also opens us to be comforters, I see that in your blog you continue to come along others who share their pain with you. In the book Streams In The Dessert there is a devotional that talks about we have people in our lives ,who we go to ,who have just the right word that we need, it goes on to say that if you peeled back the layers in their life you would see there was a large price paid to be those people, That tender heart you have knows that kind of pain. God is always working, it's so hard to see that pain also in your children and husband but God is working in their lives too, it gives me comfort to remember He loves my children even more than I do. Sending prayers and gratitude for the times your words have refreshed me. Remember there is a reason we say we are going through something, it won't last forever, there will be an end,no matter what, God's got this. Streams In The Dessert has been a comfort and encouragement to me. Would highly recommend.
Thank you! I will check it out the book.
And yes; I trust that God is always working, even when we can't see it. The times when we don't see and don't understand...those are the times that trust and faith are necessary.
Adult children (oxymoron?) are harder to raise than toddlers. No one prepares you for this. But, trust me...you are not alone.
Thanks to Suzan for so eloquently putting my similar thoughts into words. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Kristen, at what I'm sure is a very difficult time for all of you. I'm always impressed by the excellent job you do of balancing your privacy and the sharing of information with your readers.
I successfully used a clothing allowance when our daughter was a teen and we were still buying most of her clothing. Isn't it amazing how they're much more careful with their choices when faced with a limited amount of funds?! Teaching financial responsibility can be so annoying - do you know how many times we've had to listen to, "But all of my friends' parents pay for THEIR cell phones?!" Wink, wink.
My husband and I seemed to argue about money all the time after we married and combined our finances. I realized it was because our personal spending habits were different. For almost 10 years now we have been putting personal allowances into our budget and it has been fantastic. We agreed that if we are buying coffee/lunch by ourselves, then it needs to come out of allowance, but if it is together we consider it a date and it comes out of our general budget. After about 6 months of the first monthly allowances, we sat down and made guidelines for when our allowance money should be used vs. our general budget.
I want to take a trip with my mom when the pandemic quiets down, so I've been trying to save some of my allowance to put toward that. Monthly allowances help me focus on personal needs vs. wants. If I spend $80 on a pair of shoes, then that is $80 less that I can spend on the trip.
I love the clothing allowance idea and may just do this very thing for our 14 year old. I' always looking for ways to teach her fiscal responsibility. Can I ask how often you load up the card for the girls? We typically shop seasonally, so that makes sense, but there may be a better option.
You do such a wonderful job of being transparent while respecting privacy of your family/friends. We've been in a similar situation with our son. His presence is often obviously missing from social media pics of family gatherings/vacations and then he magically appears 6+months later. I've never explained why to anyone and since I'm not a blogger, no one really questions it. However, if anyone ever did ask, like you said, it's not just my story to share. Justing sending virtual hugs and prayers.
We’ve given Sonia and Zoe a clothing budget
We ordered an extra card for them from FamZoo and we load it up each month with a clothing budget.
Hugs to you. I know that's so hard!
And yeah, we load the card up monthly. We gave them a larger initial deposit at first, just to get them started, and then we figure a regular monthly deposit should work fine.
THANK YOU for not just trotting out the now-cliched, "Make sure you schedule regular date nights with your husband!"--even though that is, in fact, what you personally do. At least now.
I dislike the generalization of that advice and the implication that you have to go somewhere and spend money with your partner to stay connected. I have now been married for 17 years. You know how many "date nights" I've been on with my husband in that time? Maaaaybe five. Seriously. We spend almost all our time together, day in and day out, neither of us like going places (especially to eat), and yet, we are fine. So. As with everything else, the date night thing is not one size fits all. I know many people LOVE their date nights, but I do not feel the lack of them.
(P.S. Many years ago, someone left a comment on my blog regarding grief that was worded so beautifully I shamefully stole it, and I will use it now for you, as you deal with your own grief: I wish you gentle passage through this difficult time.)
I agree! My husband and I have had maybe one to two date nights a year....maybe.....since my son was born 3.5 years ago. There’s a situational caveat - he’s special needs and can only be left with my parents, who keep him during the day for me to work, so.....we hate to ask them for extra. Regardless, we try to do things for “just us” when he’s asleep. Watch concerts together on tv, have “catch up” conversations over dinner (surprisingly needed almost daily, considering we live together ), just try to connect and laugh. We’re only in this “little kid” season for awhile and I know date nights will reappear at some point but I’m totally ok with “modified” ones right now.
Also, Kristin, as echoed by others, one of my favorite things about this blog is how you’re open but not telling stories that could hurt someone you love. It shows how much you love your family to respect their privacy. Prayers that a resolution to a hard situation that makes ALL parties happy and whole comes soon. Much love to you and your entire family.
We’ve only been parents for 8 months, and on top of COVID, date nights have obviously not really happened. But I feel like when we aren’t doing a great job in the day to day interactions and take a date night to try and help, we just end up fighting!! Ha, maybe the fighting is what we need in that moment to work through hard things. But I find that, generally, when we are doing a good job showing love and appreciation for each other on a daily basis, date nights are more of a “cherry on top” than necessary part of our relationship.
Also, Kristen, I am so so so sorry to hear about your son. I can’t imagine the pain and am sending you a big hug right now. I have read your blog for a few years now and have been so inspired by how much you love your kids and love being a mom. I hope I can give that to my daughter as well.
I love that comment about gentle passage. We all have rough weather in our lives and the idea of wishing someone gentle passage is so beautiful! I hope it's alright but I am going to shamelessly steal this from you:) We are currently in the hospital preparing for our 12 year old's bone marrow transplant and gentle passage is exactly what we wish for all of the kiddos in here! Thank you for those words and Kristin thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. Hang in there- while the tears are bottomless so are the smiles.
Ohh, wow. I am so sorry you guys are facing that. May the transplant bring healing to your child. <3
My husband and I have both had catastrophic illnesses so I say this from experience: I hope the time comes soon when you are no longer even thankful every day for the transplant---when things have gone back to normal so completely that you no longer think of this time constantly.
Thank you so much. I hope your family's catastrophic illnesses are in the past and joy and health are your present and future. I look forward with hope to this being in our son's rear view mirror very soon.
Kristin- your words bring comfort, humor, information and entertainment to a mixed up, crazy world. One of my best friend's dad told me when I became a mom that at some point every child heads into a tunnel and as a parent all you can do is pray and wait for them with love on the other side. I hope your son's tunnel is short and that the waiting is not too hard on you.
I have never really understood estrangement despite a bit of it in my extended family -- it just robs us of so much precious time. It is usually only after someone dies that you truly comprehend how short life really is (I would give anything to be able to talk to my mom and dad again). I pray for peace for you and that whatever is dividing your family is healed.
Kristen, I am so sorry that you are going through a severed relationship with Joshua right now. I cannot imagine how difficult it is. I hope and pray that it will not be long term.
I don't think that date night out is crucial when you have a baby. If you both enjoy spending time with your child and also spend time together when the child is otherwise occupied (hopefully sleeping) that can be enough at this stage. I think Kristen has great advice on this subject. If things are not working out then try to find a way to have someone babysit and remember that you do you.
Kristen, I'm sad to hear about #3. I had no idea and still, in the midst of hard times you continue to be a light for others. I pray for your heart's desire to come soon. Even though I don't know you, I love your sweet family and I have faith that it will come.
I am going through a most difficult time as well. My Father is in the ICU with Covid and a Heart Attack on a Vent. I can understand the crying until you think there are no more tears. I feel your pain, and I pray for you.
*HUGS* from an internet stranger.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear this, Ashley.
You do start to wonder how there could possibly be any more tears, and yet, there they are. Hugs to you!
I hope in the midst of your dad's fight for health you can find some moments of lightness. You must be pretty strong to be able to spare prayers for Kristen in the middle of your problems.
Re: relationships, I find the everyday moments matter more than the big dates. My husband and I always make sure to have dinner together at the table. Even if it’s a full on apathy no-one-wants-to-cook night of frozen dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets (we’re child free, but everyone needs whimsy), we make a point of eating together and discussing the day.
Re: money, we each have an allowance pulled from our separate Vice Accounts. My husband used to be a pack-a-day smoker, and I was the Starbucks queen; he quit, and I dialed waaaaay back (1-2 drinks a month now, usually on dates with him). We saved the difference—quite the eye opener! In normal times, we’d pool our vice savings for a vacation, but this year we’re holding onto it, just in case.
I too have been wondering about Joshua, as you haven't said much about him in some time.
I am sorry that there is some type of issue with your relationship, and the tears you have cried!
Its so hard when its you own child! I hope at some point everyone can meet in the middle!
So sad for you and your family!
Thinking of you all!
Thank you. <3
I am a very long-time reader of your blog. I too had noticed an absence of any mention of Joshua, and wondered about it. Without knowing the cause, I can say that grown male children will align themselves with the family of whomever they have a relationship with much more than female children do. My own son, my firstborn, is not estranged from us at all, but his WIFE’S family is much more important to them both than we will ever be. I do not know why. My three daughters, on the other hand, are not at all this way. In no way do I advocate “choosing” one family over the other-no. It just seems that in my son and daughter in laws case, her family rules. Period.
Delurking after years of enjoying your blog to offer all my sympathy over Joshua, whose disappearance I had attributed to your respect for what I had supposed was his own wish for privacy. I am so sorry.
A big thumbs up from me on the clothing allowance. My stress level went way down when we started doing this for our daughter.
And, also want to send you a {{{big hug}}}.
Thank you so much. <3
Stay strong and confident knowing your love with show through. I have 5 kids and one older son kind of comes in and out due to some depression issuers. It can be hurtful and personal. It’s so hard to know it’s not in your control, tests for sure. God has a plan.
Hugs to you!
How old were your kids when you started having them pay or at least contribute to their “wants”?
My kiddo is 5 and earns money for emptying the dishwasher... we created a subsidized rate for movies she wants from iTunes, but she seems too young to ask her to “pay” for much more than that.
I certainly haven't had as much experience as Kristen (my oldest is 6), but 5 is when my oldest started chipping in for her wants. She earns about $1/week and half of that goes into spending. A couple of examples from our life: 1) She had a big list of art supplies she wanted last year (we already had the basic crayons, markers, coloring books) so she used her all of her money (around $4) to buy the glitter and paint and whatnot and we made up the difference of what she couldn't afford. Right now she's interested in having a Barbie, which she will have to pay for fully on her own. She has plenty of toys and things, so when she says she wants something I usually tell her she can save up and buy it or put it on her Christmas list. It works for our family.
My boys were about 6 when I started having them pay for things. Their wants were small (usually $5 or less) when they wanted something big like a Lego set we usually talked about waiting for birthday money. If they didn't have the money they were given opportunities to earn money. An example is they received the money for recycling the bottles and cans because they collected them up and helped bring them to the store. Also, if we were out and they wanted something but didn't bring money I would "loan" them the money. If they paid me immediately when they got home they would not be charged interest. Otherwise they had to pay me an extra quarter. I thought it was a good lesson on credit. Sometimes they would buy the item and sometimes it was left at the store.
My heart is broken reading number 3. I am praying for you - you are so kind and tactful and I can just imagine the sadness behind it all.
xxx
Thank you so much for the prayers and the love. <3
Kristen,
Thank you for answering my question about spending disagreements, and for opening up about family dynamics. It is one of the harder things in life, how to align yourself so intimately with people who might not agree with you or be on the same page always. I am so sorry your family has been going through such a hard time. I hope you are remembering to take care of yourself a little extra, even if you don't feel like it at all. In times like this, take some time and/or money to pamper yourself a little more to soften the blow of hard knocks. Talk to somebody who is not emotionally invested in the situation, like a therapist.
A few years ago, we went through a process that was very straining on our family's well being and that shook me to the core as a parent, challenging things I had taken for given. We weathered it by opening up to the experience, not closing in, and being humble in the face of those hard feelings. By staying open to the hard emotions you face and what they tell you, you might find that often it's about something completely different than the specific situation you are thinking about. And sometimes it's not about you, and letting go of the idea that you can control things is one lesson too. Love.
I certainly didn't expect things to get so heavy in this post and I confess that I had been wondering about #3 but I just assumed he had moved out and perhaps had moved away for a new job or something. I can only imagine the pain this has caused and I will keep you in my prayers.
Per #1. My daughter was almost two before my wife and I got a date night out together. My have not been out together since early March (though there's obviously another reason for that) We have no regular babysitter to call up and while my family will happily watch my sister's kids don't seem to have as much time for my daughter.
Without sharing too much that isn't mine to share, the first year of having a child was a huge strain on my marriage. It's one major factor in why we only have one child.
Thank you for the prayers! <3
And boy, I feel you about that first year with the first child. We were getting so little sleep, and that plus the huge adjustment to having your world revolve around a small person...it's just a lot. I am positive that you are not alone.
That's sad all round about Joshua. We are no longer in touch with my stepsister - her choice - and I know my mum and stepdad really feel sad about it. I will hope for healing for all of you - parents and the girls and Joshua included.
It's really tough, and I have to imagine it's tough on the side of the one who has chosen estrangement too. That's not a choice usually made from a place of happiness. So, hugs to your mum and stepdad and also to your step-sister. So much pain all around! <3
Yes, I don't believe it's a choice happily made in most cases. Hugs for you and Mr FG and the girls. My stepsister was around the same age Joshua is when she made that decision and all we can hope is that as she gets older things will change. But who knows. <3
I'm so sorry about Joshua. I can only imagine how hard that is. I'll be praying for your family.
Love and good wishes to you, Kristen.
I really appreciate your post about Joshua. I know so many families who are or have experienced this, including me. I also like your thoughts on the other questions.
Thank you for taking the time to answer reader questions, we can all learn something from them.
Your post reminded me of the quote "be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle". I am certain most of us had no idea you have been dealing with this very hard thing in your daily life, as you have continued to encourage with frugal living as you always have.
I am extra grateful for your gratitude posts during this pandemic, knowing now all that you have been dealing with. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Oh Kristen. Your pain is palpable. I am so sorry. How about some prayers? I’m sure others would be happy to oblige as well. Hang in their girlie.
I am so sorry about your severed relationship with your son. I will be praying for all of you. Thank you for continuing to blog in spite of what you are going through.
The explanation about Joshua has touched me deeply. It took awhile for me to realize, our children become their own person and, while we've done our best to guide and mold them, they have to make their own way with decisions we may not agree with. My mother once told me that no matter what the circumstances, they would always love me. I made sure my children know that as well. I didn't realize at the time, but that is a comfort when things are not as we'd like.....I love them, and whether they believe it or not, they do know I love them. If when, they can come to me. How hard it must have been for you to write this post....may God wrap you in his love.
Kristen please know that you and your family are held in prayer by so many! I've had a very difficult season with one of our four children, and yes, sometimes the confusion and sadness of the other three is the hardest to navigate. How to comfort them when my husband and I didn't know how to comfort ourselves. We've come out on the other side now, but only after she was ready to come back to us. That was the hardest part, the waiting. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with Joshua. I hope you are feeling the love, support and prayer coming through the keyboards. Love, Donna xo
Thank you for sharing about your difficulties as well as the triumphs. It is extremely hard to be the kid in the type of relationship that breaks, I know from experience, hearing it from a parent is just as hard. God be with you all.
RE: relationships take time and commitment. Talk about the days events, research your views and those of others, to talk about. Always keep an equal footing in how you share, give and take. Do some chores together. One thing we do is make the finances into a date. We make the good coffee, have some cookies and sort out the monies! We didn't do date nights away. They were all in home. Sharing a bottle of beer and a tv show, a game night, even just reading time, but together in the same room. We always try to make the other laugh every day, putting the other first in every thought. Encouraging, supporting, challenging(in a good way!) each other in all areas. Sharing a hobby together. It's the mutual respect you have for each other and the vows you've taken, that make the relationship what it is.
It always feels to me that the rest of the world is doing better than I am because I have an estranged child. The pain is overwhelming and, in my case, has been going on for years. Nothing we do makes it better. God bless you for admitting that it is not uncommon.
Hugs to you. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain.
A quick peruse of the comments on this post will quickly remind you and me that we are not alone. So many people have battles like this in their lives that we don't know about; we think it's just us, but it's not.
I agree with your advice to take time for your relationship. That sounds simple, but can be so difficult when you have little ones!
We have a similar approach to our kids and money. We live in a fairly isolated area in Africa, so there's not a lot of temptation to spend money on clothes and tangible things. But the things they do want, they know they have to decide if it is worth spending money on. That might be downloading music, books, etc. Or on occasion, we will have a visitor who can bring something from the US.
I'm so sorry to hear about your estrangement. As the mother with a 20-year-old son, I can only imagine the pain you are going through. May God give you strength and bring about healing in your relationship.
Thank you, Kirstin, for being strong enough to give Joshua the space to find his own path. The hardest thing our parents ever do is to step back and let us live our own lives. Know that if you all loved each other less, this would be easier.
I'm so sorry to hear about the challenged relationship you have with your son. That is so hard. I hope and pray things change for you guys in the future. Gosh life is hard at times!
I am a mom of a 2yo and we have a 2nd baby coming in December so the first question resonated with me as I have been in that person's shoes and will be there again soon. I'd tell her that this is a season of life and it won't always feel like this. That first year of parenting is especially hard on the mom as so much falls on you, especially if you are breastfeeding. I was lucky to have 20 weeks of leave, but then once I was back at work, I felt so thinly stretched and like I had nothing left to give. During that time, I will say the best times with my husband was when we would take our son for stroller walks. There are no distractions and the baby is usually happy on a stroll. We would have our best talks and I'd feel more connected to him during that time. I don't like the advice of going on dates so I love that you mention the small moments with your spouse are more important than dates/vacations/etc. I totally agree with that! I think we've gone on probably 4-5 dates since our son was born 2.5 years ago. Now they are completely out of the question with Covid. But even in normal times, they just aren't a priority for us.
I am so sorry about this difficult time for you and your family! I have been estranged from my mother before and it was tough. Mine was a very toxic relationship. It turned around once I had my first born. My mother got some counseling and ended up on medication, which helps. My older sister and I have a terrible relationship. We are currently not speaking. While I miss her. I can't help but be happier to not talk with her. She is a lot like my mother in that she is very toxic. I cherish my time with my younger sister though. I go above and beyond to stay in touch with her. I hope that is always the way it will be.
I am very sure that this predicament you are in will solve itself. You are a good person! Just remember that! Anybody would be lucky to have you as a mother.
{{{{{ Hugs }}}}}
Hugs and prayers from OK.
I, too, am estranged from my son. His choice, definitely not mine. We raise them and try to instill good values in them, but ultimately they make their own decisions, their own choices.
I’ll be praying for #3. Sending love and hugs to you and your family.
Hmmm, I expect this is not an easy time for Joshua, either. My heart goes out to every member of your family. Each of you is facing a terrible loss, but hopefully there will be a reconciliation for all in the not-too-distant future. I hope there is a hug for every tear.
Oh yes, for sure; like I said to another reader this morning, the person who makes the decision to limit the relationship is usually doing that from a place of pain. So...hard all around.
Thank you for your kind sympathy! <3
I’m a longtime reader (very infrequent commenter) but I always look forward to reading your blog posts. I was in tears when I reached the end of this one. My aunt has cut herself off from my family and it’s hard for all of us who love and care about her, but especially for my mom. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers at this difficult time.
All of the kind and encouraging words from you all have brought tears to my eyes today. Thank you. <3
I have been a reader for many years now. I am a 43 year old woman, married and a mother and I am estranged from my elderly parents. It is terribly painful. It was illuminating to hear your perspective as a mother in a similar situation. I hope one day, we will work it out. It’s so hard. I am not a person of prayers, but I send you love.
Healing prayers to all. It is just so hard for everyone when situations don't necessarily go our way. I truly have been following you since 07/08 somewhere in there, your wisdom is so valuable to me and I truly thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing about Joshua. I, too, have been wondering. I am all too familiar with that heartbreak and those tears. I, too, keep holding on to hope and love and God's promises. I will pray for your family every time I pray for ours.
Hugs to you!
Dear Kristen, I don't know what's going on with Joshua, but I can say: my beloved son lost his way for a while. Nothing really serious--a couple of arrests for marijuana and one drunk driving arrest where no one was hurt. We spent about five years going through the court system, multiple rehabs (not that he is an addict, but if you drive drunk the court requires you to go through rehab and one of them was "wrong," sigh) I spent tens of thousands of dollars on lawyers, and worst of all, he went to jail for five weeks. I thought my heart was ripped out that day. And frankly, even though I went through a very painful divorce (at the same time! ugh), and have experienced the death of loved ones, this may have been the most painful thing that's ever happened to me.
Now my boy is 26, about to graduate from college with a 4.0 average, looking into grad school, and won't drive if he's had even one drink. I could not be prouder of him. He was a rebellious, overly smart kid who had to test everything. And it's all good now.
I guess what I'm saying is--I don't know what the deal is with Joshua but there is always, always hope. I never for one minute stopped loving my boy and I was always on his side and I always will be. Maybe next time you're crying those despairing mother's tears I know so well, think of this and be comforted.
(PS: My friend's son was much worse--he robbed a bank to support his heroin habit. Went to jail, got clean, went to college, had a little girl and is crushing it in his career. Your boy has a good upbringing and that will serve him well no matter what.)
The "wrong" rehab was because my son told the staff psychologist that he didn't think he was an alcoholic, mainly because he isn't. Then that got into his file, and the judge lost it over it. Because if you are 19 years old and drink too much on New Year's Eve, CLEARLY you're an alcoholic. So he had to go to ANOTHER rehab, where I told him: lie. Lie constantly. I was a drunk but now I'm not thank you everyone for showing me the light!
The whole thing is ridiculous and a scam on the part of rehab companies. People who don't need it are ordered to go by the courts and people who do need it can't afford it. Ugh. Anyway.
Oh, Rose. My heart feels heavy thinking of all that you had to deal with at once. Hugs to you.
I am so, so happy for you that things have worked out well with your son. That is just wonderful.
Prayed many many years for niece estranged from Dad due to lies told to her by her mother when she divorced her dad. 1 month ago called, asked for her dad’s forgiveness and expressed sadness for all the wasted yrs. God is good.
to you and family.
My twins are turning 2 soon and I would say that Covid actually helped me reconnect with my husband. Before, we were both either working or taking care of the kids with hardly any time for personal downtime let alone adult-together time. But Covid has us both working from home now and while that's created new challenges, I think it's also forced us to slow down and talk to each other more day to day. We've had zero date nights but I feel we are at a better place than we've been since the kids were born.
Kristen - your revelation about Joshua was heartbreaking. I'm so sorry and hope that the relationship is restored soon. Much love to you and your entire family.
I won't input on the last item, except to say that must have been so hard to write! You know everyone here, me included, is praying or thinking of you, for your situation there.
Date nights - well, we started to take them once a week, for about six months, when our oldest was a toddler. A family member kept her. Then the next kid appeared, and all attempts at date nights disappeared, as did offers to babysit. I'll admit we struggled to find connection. We did best when we had just a few moments alone to just talk. Rocking on the porch, lying wakeful in bed listening to a storm outside, taking a drive of more than a few minutes - we found that connecting in conversation was really helpful for us, even if it was only a few minutes at a time. The other thing I wish I had known about earlier is "The Five Love Languages." We are totally different in ours, and learning what makes the other person "hear" love was eye-opening.
Kids and money - we were on a very, very tight budget for much of the years we were raising kids, and allowances didn't fit that budget. They sometimes got money at birthdays from others and we talked over the concept of saving, spending and giving. As our kids became early teens, we let them earn money, first at babysitting, then working as teachers' helpers at the dance studio where they took lessons. We covered all of their needed expenses, but if they had a want, such as eating pizza for lunch instead of taking a packed lunch, they had to pay for it. If they wanted to go to the movies, they paid for it. When they got to college, both got jobs as a matter of course, and paid for their utilities, gas, oil changes, their clothes (except we gave some at birthdays and Christmas) and any entertainment. They also paid for their own food, and my child who was totally uninterested in learning to cook suddenly got very interested in it. Having to earn that money with hard work and see it disappear so easily was a good lesson for them both.
I don't think there is one right way to do either of these things, because we're all so different, but I definitely think both of these are worth doing, in whichever way works for you.
((HUGS)) and prayers for your peace and healing of all the broken things. Dealing with a similar situation here - 4+ years now. It's hard, but God is faithful.
Oh, I am so sorry. So much love to you.
Oh Kristin, I swear I could've almost written this exact post myself! We do exactly the same things as far as money goes, and it seems to work so well for us and the kids to learn the value of money. We often split the bill with the kids also when it's an expensive purchase but not necessarily a need but still a good investment.
Also, as far as Joshua goes, I sure hope everything works out for you guys, but I've been there (not sure of your exact circumstance) but we went through a very, very tough period with our oldest, and we continued to show love and patience while sticking to our hearts and now 7 years later, our relationship is amazing so I sure hope the same happens for y'all too. HUGS.
I am sorry you are going thru this with Joshua but it sounds very much like issues with our 22 year old. Basically, she didnt like/didnt want to follow our rules, wanted everything according to her terms and felt we had never given her enough (in monetary terms). That leads to a very one sided relationship. Sadly she is living a lifestyle totally alien to how she was brought up and it has hurt us all.
I amnot sure it will ever get any better. Past experience with hee has taught us to just " be there ", because she will slaminto another wall, or have another breakdown and we will pick up the pieces yet again. As loving parents, that all we can do. The prodigal son was welcomed home with open arms-but he had to decide to come back.
I usually sign my name to my posts but this time, i am signing anonymously...
Hugs to you. I am so very sorry for your heartbreak, and I wish I could give you a hug in person!
You are such a kind person and have such a big heart! I will pray for your family and you can pray for mine if you will! Thank you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your son. My family went through a period when a family member was estranged and we had to keep distance. It was so awful. Eventually the family member found their way back and things have been great for more than 15 years, so there's hope. Abiding with you, and sending hugs.
Relationship advice....you are really craving a big salad out somewhere...he goes out and comes back with amazing ingredients...makes a huge salad and brought two cans of lager you like. A new movie comes out. .you go out to see it...baby is with the sitter...you get large coke and large popcorn and dont have to share. ....easy stuff ....you love a hutch you see in a picture...he brings in a buddy and a saw and some wood and saw horses and after some noise you have a corner cabinet
I'm so sorry about Joshua, Kristin. I've wondered so many times why you haven't mentioned him, and even asked you once. I am putting you all on my prayer list and hope that things improve soon. Hugs
Thank you so much for your prayers!
Prayers for you all during this time. We have hard times that weren’t able to share about with our two kids. Lots of tears and prayers. Child number one has made life changes and is good; still praying for child number two and her choices. It’s hard but God is good!
Gosh, I feel like we could be sisters! I think with little ones, we should teach them to do kind deeds for moms with dads behind the idea and opposite for dads. And we also forget to do kind things for one another. Because people are exhausted. If money is tight, trade off with another family. With little ones you have to really think outside of the box.
I too believe it is good to have your kids help pay for something they really want, above and beyond what they need. For us and our two sons, it seemed to always be shoes. We would give them the budgeted amount and they would chip in the rest. The worst thing you can do is run a credit card up just so they can have all of their wants instead of settling For their needs.
YES, YES, YES to your own fun money! Mine is now usually spent on ice cream for the grandkids or a round of putt putt golf! I once saved enough to take 3 of the grandkids zip lining. It was fantastic, 5 years later they still talk about it!
Remember, the prodigal son does return. Pray that God uses other people to speak into his life And when you are spent, go to your 1 or 2 special friends so they can lift you up and fill your tank of belief again. Praying for you, Mr FG and the girls. ❤️
I prayed for your family today. I have two brothers estranged from the family--it's always complicated and always hurts. I'm so sorry this grief has come into your life.
Sending hugs and prayers your way! I hope you find some comfort somehow.
My youngest took a path of self destruction. One of the most difficult times of my life.
He ended up moving out of the state. One of the best things was he was no longer under the influence of the questionable group he hung out with. I'm thankful all is ok now.
I hope it turns around for you all.
Kristen - I'm a long time reader but not much of a 'commenter'. I always read your blog first thing every morning to start my day. Today, I have not been able to stop thinking about you and feel burdened to comment for no other reason than to say I'm praying for you and your family. I have often thought one of the most heartbreaking things in life is when an adult child walks away from family, at a time when that relationship should become a true friendship - for both parents and siblings (I can only imagine how difficult this is for your girls also)! But at my lowest moments in life, is when God always reminds me of His promise. I pray that some day you will be overwhelmed by the goodness of His plan for reuniting Joshua with your family. I know you already know/believe that, but we humans need constant reminding!
I am so sorry and understand your pain all too well. Home school moms pour their lives into raising their kids, but this is a broken world and there are no guarantees. Hold fast to the Lord and to each other. Sending you a virtual hug and praying for you and Joshua right now.
Kristen, I love your blog. However, now I have even more respect for you knowing that you wrote many of your positive and loving and tactful posts while you were in acute pain. I am not a hugger, but sending hugs to you anyway.
I will gratefully accept the hugs as a big compliment from someone who is not a hugger.
I have definitely been preaching to myself with the gratefulness posts and such. It's easy to wallow in despair and hopelessness otherwise.
And when times are hard, it's always helpful to help others. So, I am grateful for the way that my blog helps me get my eyes off of myself and onto other people.
Wow. There are so many comments I'd like to reply to!
1. My husband and I rarely get the "date." Somebody in our congregation once recommended a date night at home after the kids are in bed. We've been doing that some over the last couple years, and it is fun. We plan something special to eat and cook together. We eat, uninterrupted, and talk, uninterrupted.
2. I respect your respect for your children by not oversharing. While it's fun for readers to get a glimpse of your family, it's nice for your children to have their privacy. I have one very private child; I have learned to ask before posting anything online if it involves a child. (Prayers for you and yours.)
I was reading a blog post of yours just last week, and wondered why I hadn't read anything about your son. I have a soon to be 25 year old who is also somewhat estranged from all of us (we, too, are a family of 6). Though all of mine are pretty much out of the nest (the youngest in a college apt) he and his girlfriend are choosing to be "socially distant" - their words - and it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel a little angry. There's zero reason he can't keep in touch with a text now and again, even if he keeps turning down invites for family functions. He is making zero effort to stay close to all of us. I do a fair job of hiding my sadness, but I load my husband's ears sometimes! It will come around again, I believe it. But for now it is hard, so I feel your pain.
Sympathetic hugs to you, mama. I feel your pain, and I hope it eases sooner rather than later.
I, too, have wondered; I had hoped it was just adult-child respect for privacy. My eyeballs are watering from that and from all the kindness and pain also expressed in the comments. Oh people, we live in a broken world. My heart goes out to you — may we all have gentle passage. <3
Hi~ I read your post every day but do not comment. I have been full of sadness all day thinking of the pain you are in and how graceful you live each day. You write for all of us, we are all crying with you.
Keep your beautiful Faith.
Good Luck and Love ❤️
You've done a great job of hiding your sadness or perhaps I'm just dense. I assumed your son was all grown up and had moved on so I hadn't given it much thought. I know bloggers don't have perfect lives but frankly, I've stopped reading some who just share TMI. On the other hand, an occasional brutally honest post like this one keeps me aware that no one is immune to tough times.
Your blog has been an absolute ray of sunshine in my life this year. I have no children but I can tell you that I have my own problems which have been quite overwhelming this year and covid19 has made things even worse. I so appreciate all the posting you have done this year and to now discover you've done it amidst your own sorrow makes it even more special. And reading in the comments about so many who have similar issues and still have hope is so inspiring. This blog and it's community are so uplifting, when I read it I really do feel like "we're all in this together!"
I have such respect for you sharing this piece of family information in such a graceful way, daring to be vulnerable. I will be praying for you and your son.
Re: your #3: What Maggie said. I was going to say something clumsy of my own, but her words are much more to the point. Fingers crossed that everything will work out eventually for you all.
Dear Kristen, you and your whole family will most certainly be in my prayers. This is sadly not uncommon in our present time. So many families are going through things just like this. You are not alone and I hope you will know how precious a mother’s tears are to the Lord.
Who knew that a Q&A post would have so many feels and would resonate in so many ways??? #1 struck a chord for me - I feel a guilty, sad, and a embarrassed to admit that my husband and I haven't been doing a great job connecting. I married a good man and we're a good match but yet we're in a place where we're much more distant from one another than we would like or we ever have been in the past. Kids, stress, burn out...all those things can strengthen or break. It's up to us to choose a path and put efforts behind it. Helpful tips from you and your readers - there's no simple solution but there are simple things that we can do to care for one another. Thank you. The second question also was very helpful - I have one kid who is pretty content but selective about clothes and toys. The seven year old just wants ALL THE THINGS. Your post and the comments have some very useful and implementable guidance. Thank you! #3 - Hugs. Knowing that (MANY) others are experiencing or have experienced what you're going through doesn't make your situation any less hard but hopefully there's some comfort in knowing that this happens and there's hope that it will get better. And because I'm not very eloquent: I'm sorry the situation is so sucky. And for good measure: extra hugs.
#3. So so sorry for your pain and Joshua's. Being a mom is just heartbreaking sometimes. That's all there is to it. You're in my prayers.
#1. We did "car dates" because the baby would fall asleep in the car. We could usually sneak through a drive through (quietly!) for a frugal treat (McD's milkshakes!) and eat and drive and talk or listen to music.
#2. Great job Kristen! I strongly believe in allowances and "allowing" them to make mistakes ("I'm so sorry that dollar store toy broke in five minutes and you wasted your dollar") and have to make hard decisions ("I'm sorry you spent all your money and now you can't go to the movies with your friends.") Mine are adults now and have mentioned that they are now glad we let them figure out spending and budgeting when they were younger. Although their younger selves did not always appreciate it.
#3-yes! I often say to my friends, "Remember when we thought babies were hard??"
Kristen, my heart hurts for you. We pour so much of ourselves into our children and, as Christians, feel such a responsibility for their faith. It is so hard to watch them make mistakes that may have serious consequences.
Know we all care so much for you and are praying for you. And remember God has problems with his children, too!
This has been a good reminder for me that as parents, we only have influence on our children, not control over them. Which is good, because God is wiser than we are. 🙂
Thank you so much for the prayers!
Hi Kristen, I'm sorry to hear your news about Joshua. I too have been wondering why he hasn't been mentioned lately. It's heartbreaking when there's a rift with a family member. We are going through that in my family, with my nephew and it's a super sad situation. You can only hope and pray that things will get better someday. Hang in there.
My husband and I often eat dinner in front of the TV. Combination of our 2 exhausting jobs. Some nights, I setup our patio table for dinner including a mellow Spotify station. There's no TV out there and it forces us to connect in a way that we don't when we watch shows together.
Last month we realized that we haven't had time away together in a while. So next month we're taking 2 days off for a long weekend. Planned frugally and socially distanced of course.
Who knew that being a parent of an adult child would be harder in many ways than when they were little??? Sending you a lot of hugs.I respect your family's privacy!
I enjoy your tips and just your point of view, even though I am older now, and have no more kiddos at home..I lived frugally when I was a young married woman with a little one..and now, in retirement,those frugal habits serve me well!
Blessings and hugs to you and your family!
Oh my goodness, I always say that! Little kids were way easier emotionally sometimes. You could control and watch over them better. Older kids you just have to let it go! So hard! My friends with only little kids don’t understand at all when I say this. Only moms with older kids can relate.
I rebelled against my parents in many ways in my late teens and early twenties. I think some of us need to make our own big choices, including big mistakes, before settling into ourselves as adults. By my mid-20s, I’d largely found healthy ways to to fulfill my need for novel experiences, and my parents and I have had a good relationship ever since. My parents and I are still different people, but we mutually respect each other, and I have so much respect for the effort they put into raising me.
All of this is to say that I’m sorry your family’s struggled in the past year, and I wish you all nothing but the best. Hopefully easier times are coming.
Hoping time heals all wounds on both sides and your family is one day close again. I’m around your age and I definitely pulled away from my parents quite a bit in my late teens/early 20s, and we have a good relationship now.
Kristin, I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and that the Lord would be a great comfort to you. I’m praying for Joshua and all of the other members of your family as well. May our Lord Jesus, who healed so many on this earth and has brought healing to so many souls, heal your relationships.
I generally do not leave comments, but I am a faithful reader of your blog even though I have entered a phase of life where I don't need to be as frugal as I used to. In fact, yours is the only blog I subscribe to, and it is largely because I appreciate your honesty (and your lovely community of readers!). The internet can be so dangerous because people only put out their "perfect selves", leaving the rest of us to feel like we will never live up to those standards in what our house looks like, how we dress, the meals we make, how much money we have... the list could go on forever.
Your post today about the heartache your family is experiencing just breaks my heart. I can't imagine how hard that must have been to share with your readers. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing something so personal. A few years ago my husband and I went through a similar situation with our daughter distancing herself, and I often felt envious of all the families I saw on my Instagram feed who looked so happy and "perfect" all the time. Reading your blog post today, along with the numerous comments of readers who have shared in similar pain, is a reminder that family struggles are more common than not and that things can eventually get better... and that we often have no idea what people are really going through.
I am sending your family much, much love and prayers for strength and healing.
Yes, yes on Instagram.
This all started at Thanksgiving last year, and I've had to uninstall Instagram on multiple holidays (Christmas, Mother's Day, etc) because I just knew that my heart would not be able to take it. It's not that I am not happy for other people's happiness, it's just that the wound is too raw right now, and all the "firsts" without the six of us are really hard.
Thank you for the prayers!
This is a really beautifully written comment. I would like to echo the sentiment and wish you, Kristen, and your family strength and happy times ahead.
Hugs to you, Kristen.
Thank you, friend.
Just sending you love.
And I am grateful! <3
Long time reader here adding my heartfelt love and echoing the thoughts of so many commenters today! I admire the grace and care with which you have chosen your words as you share such difficult things. It's ok to cry those tears! (as I write this through blurry eyes...) <3 hugs!
I'm not crying; you're crying. Never mind...we are all crying. <3
Thank you for caring.
My heart breaks for you. My mother stopped speaking to me 20.5 years ago, and I have not heard from her or any other family member since. It was over an argument my husband and my sisters had when my sisters visited us back in 2000. Yes, 2000. I was somewhat relieved at first, as it felt good to be free of my mother’s moods and passive aggressiveness. There were many times growing up when she subjected the entire family to her anger and punishments. I never tried to reconcile, and as I was living 1200 miles away, running into them was not a worry. They don’t know my sons, and have never met my second son; no one called me when my brother died last summer.. It’s too far broken to fix, and it’s unforgivable. On the other hand, my sons grew up without all that dysfunction. I hope your family is able to reconcile. It’s hard to live this way.
Hugs to you; I am so very sorry for the brokenness you are experiencing.
Oh I'm so sorry. The biggest hugs, and hopes for renewed bonds again soon. Blessings.
I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through Kristen. Sending love, hugs and prayers your way.
Went through your exact situation with Joshua with our daughter and will certainly pray for strength for you and Mr. FG and for God to envelop Joshua with his love. My heart was broken as horrible things were said and like you, I cried for months. It was the worst period of me being a Mama and I pray that it never happens again. I pray you have happier times ahead..
You have made me feel so not alone, and I have felt very alone for the past 6 years. Thank you. I still can't articulate how much my heart hurts/breaks...that raw feeling, I know it well. Thank you for sharing - I had no idea that this happens to other people (and I am not on social media - I just thought that this kind of pain and ugly was unique to me, and I could not ever share because who could understand? What did I do wrong? Will it ever get better? Will he live? Big big questions, and I can only hang on to our Lord and our Lady in a kind of daze, and remain hopeful and faithful because JESUS).
It's funny how alone we feel in this, right? But looking at the comments on this post shows that we are so very not alone. Lots of us are struggling with broken family relationships.
Kristen, Sending you a huge hug from one mother to another. It's such a tough job. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us. That must have taken a lot of courage. I pray that your family relationships strengthen in the coming year xxx
Parenting is seriously hard, that's for sure. I think I was much better at having babies, toddlers, and grade schoolers. This older children thing feels so much tougher to me!
My heart goes out to you in regards to your son. A girl my son was dating took him away from our family for a time. It was so hard. I too thought I had cried every tear I could over the matter but no...I didn't. The girl left and my son came back to our family. I've softened...he's softened. Now it's a part of the past and I'm ever so grateful that during the time apart we didn't say anything so ugly that we can't forgive and let stay in the past. There is hope. There is always hope. I treasure him now more than ever.
I love this ... it's hard to keep perspective at a time like this and you have put it beautifully!
During this time, I've kept thinking of a line from a Sara Groves song: "Lord, help us wait in kindness." I pray that my heart will stay soft and kind as we wait to see what will happen.
This is currently happening with my nephew and my poor sister is broken hearted. No contact at all. These are helpful words as I am so angry with him on her and the rest of their small family’s behalf (his little sister is so hurt). Need to work on this a lot...
Virtual hugs but real prayers for you and your sweet family.
Your section on Joshua really broke my heart. As a parent, I know it would just kill me. Sending love and prayers into the universe that broken relationships are mended and that your family feels whole again.
Thank you so much for caring!
Becoming a parent will bring us closest to God, our Heavenly Father. Because that is what he is. Our Father. He loves us all, his children, and cares for us and the choices we make. I am 70 years old now and the mother of 2 grown sons. I think it is particularly hard to be the mother of males. I am guessing here...Joshua has spent his life enveloped in the love and security of your sweet family... The home schooling has been good and now, as a grown man, he has a need for space and independence. To find his own place in the great wide world.
On his eighteenth birthday my younger son came home from school and informed us that he had signed himself up for the United States Coast Guard. No warning at all. A big unwelcome surprise. Now he would be going away to fight hurricanes and drug runners in the Caribbean and (really scary) New England fisherman intent on breaking U.S. Coastal fishing regulations.
His brother, our oldest, once went on a big surfing safari down in Baja and and he and his friend drunkenly drove their truck off a cliff, flipped over and over about 5 times and (thankfully he had fastened his seatbelt moments before) were able to climb out and walk away. Hair-raising stuff.
That's why I say it's tough to parent males. Even their dad (way back in the 60's) once lit out hitchhiking across the United States from San Francisco to New York. Then took a freighter across the ocean to Europe. Whereupon arriving in Paris he promptly ran out of money.
Have faith and great hopes. And pray for Joshua. We all will too. Thank you for 'letting us in'. When we share our burdens it lightens the load. Isn't that frugal?
Much Love
Yes, parenting males. Not only the physical risks they take, but I have noticed they tend to stay less close to their parents than females. Not 100% true, I know, but from what I see, that seems to be the case.
Oh my, I'm so glad your boys are ok...that accident sounds terrifying!
Hello, may I ask how much do you allocate for the girls clothing budget? Thank you.
We're currently doing $30 ($360/year), but if they were in a stage of growing quickly, we'd do more.
Sonia's mostly done growing now, and Zoe's shoe size has not changed for a while (shoes can kill a budget fast!). We'll adjust as necessary if Zoe suddenly has a growth spurt.
Thank you. $360/year/child, or do they share/adjust to their needs/wants?
Plus, you'll be in my prayers. XX.
Parenting is tough. Being a young adult is tough. We all have made choices we wish we hadn't in our lives. Heartfelt wishes for all of you to come back together as a family with everyone's dignity and love intact.
Kristen - I want to add my voice of support for you & your family as you navigate this change in relationship dynamics. You are clearly a kind & caring person, as well as a devoted parent. Your children have experienced this 1st hand. Focus on your years of dedication to others, confident that you have & continue to do your best. I support you, hold you up & am waiting to rejoice with you when dynamics with your sweet young man have improved.
I'm a long time reader who almost never comments, but I had to do so today - I was so sorry to read about why Joshua hasn't been mentioned here for so long. Your family are in my thoughts and I very much hope the situation improves as soon as possible for you all.
Thank you!
Your date night answer was a good reminder that I need to carve out different ways to show my love to my husband right now. During COVID & all of us being at home together all of the time, maintaining a strong relationship is a must, and I need more creative options than just going out to dinner.
With the situation with Joshua, sending all of you love & hugs, and hoping things heal quickly on all sides.
Hello!
When it comes to raising children: NOTHING LASTS FOREVER!
and I have two sons around your sons age.
They are strong willed and already KNOW IT ALL so we are not as close as I had hoped. Our oldest in now almost 25 and guess what he is reaching out to us more and more.
Loving children is not always easy. I respect you so much for saying little but never ever stop hoping and praying.
Love to ALL of you!
This is what I always tell younger moms: Everything is a stage!
That helps when things are hard; you can be pretty sure that particular flavor of hard is not going to be around forever.
I hope and pray that our current situation is a stage too.
❤️❤️ hang in there
Kristen, my heart has been heavy for you since I read your post last night. I simply wanted to express my sympathy for what you’re going through.
Thank you! The kindness of other people really does lighten the load a bit.
Thank you for how you value your children's privacy. I respect that so much, and I'm sorry you and yours are having a hard time. I hope it passes. Warm wishes your way!
Thank you for understanding!
Some of the first generations of kids who grew up with a "mommy blogger" have grown up now and have ended up feeling pretty upset about how public their childhoods were.
I never want my kids to resent my blog, so I try to be very careful about what I share. I know my blog would be more fascinating with more details about our lives, but my kids come before the blog. 🙂
Sending best wishes and hugs, I know those tears from a particularly difficult year with one of my children. I hope this situation is resolved soon.
I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with Joshua. I pray you can reconcile.
Kirsten - I wish only the best for you and your family. I hope your relationship with Joshua resolves to everyone's satisfaction. To us you are showing a strong face just by telling us this and listening (and replying!) to our expressions of support. That can be so exhausting! Let us know if there are ways we can help you take care of yourself and your family.
I was just thinking about you today since I noticed it had been a little while since you'd commented, and I was hoping you were ok! I'm glad to hear from you.
I really do just appreciate all the kind comments, emails, and messages from everyone...I couldn't ask for anything more. <3
It's very kind and very much like you, to be thinking of others so carefully. This past week work has been busy and a bit frustrating; nothing worrying, just time consuming.
Kristen- just another voice from your blog family- sending you love and a prayer for comfort.
You are a good person- just breaks my heart to know you are hurting. Such trials we go through in this life.
Kim from Philadelphia
I promise to pray for Joshua, you and your family ~ for peace, strength, patient and grace! This is such heartbreaking news! Thank you for letting us all know about the situation. I had often wondered how he was doing. 2020 continues to be a very rough year. I truly hope happy days are ahead for everyone!
* patience
This makes me so sad for you and your family. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. You are fortunate you have your faith to help you during this time. One step at a time
I also have a child that has severed ties with our family. For the longest time I thought it was just me, my bad mothering, being too strict etc., etc. and the list goes on forever. I have talked to more parents than I can count about being estranged from an adult child. I then started to forgive myself when I realized it was my adult child choosing this path, not us. I feel your pain and please know you are not the only parent feeling this pain.
I hear you. You don't want other people to be suffering pain, for sure, but it is still reassuring to hear that you are not the only one facing this problem.
Hugs to you!
Oh Kristen, sending you so much love xx
I'm not much of a commenter either, but my heart hurts so much for you that I have to comment on this one. This is one of my biggest fears as a mother. But I have seen firsthand how God has healed a similar situation that a friend of mine experienced, after much prayer, and I trust he will do so for you as well.
I am a little late in reading your post, but my heart goes out to you and your family during this tough time with Joshua. I will be praying for healing for Joshua so that he is in a place to receive your love again and for peace and comfort for the rest of you as you wait. God sees your tears and knows your heart and it will be a blessing to see how He works in this. Hugs to you and your family.
I'm so sorry to hear about Joshua. I hope things will change in the future. Praying for you and your family.
We’ve been through this with two college age kids. They come back! Just be patient.
Thanks, Rebecca! I am going through some tough times with my 19 year old. It helps to know that you are not alone....misery loves company.
My older sister left when I was 17. It really hurt. It still does sometimes. The worst part was she left because of something between her and my parents. I had nothing to do with it but she decided to cut all of us out. I am sorry for you and your family.
It just hurts everyone; I understand.
My older brother had some very rocky years in his late teens, and it was hard on the whole family. And in the same way, this is very hard on Lisey, Sonia, and Zoe.
And of course, I'm sure that when things were rocky, my older brother was suffering too. His choices and behavior certainly were driving the familial suffering, but he had to have been suffering to be in a place to make those choices, you know?
Anyway; yes, pain all around. It's just flat out hard. Hugs to you.
I am so very sorry. I m praying for you and your family.
Sending you all love. <3
I'm crying with you tonight because I know how hard this is. I'm truly thankful that you continue to be such a kind and hopeful voice even in the midst of heartache. Lots of love to you.
Thank you for sharing in my pain. <3 It helps make it a little lighter, it really does.
Kristen ~
I'm so sorry to hear about Joshua. I can't imagine how painful that must be. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you so much.
Oh Kristen, I am so sorry. This is so painful and hard for everyone involved.
My youngest son did something similar and I felt that it was my fault because it followed a difficult divorce and the changing of our entire family structure, all initiated by me. My son was in so much pain that he turned to drugs: eventually to crystal meth. This was the child who had always been the easiest to parent for me, the one I homeschooled for three years, the one I felt incredibly close to. I learned that the trust of my child had to be earned each day, and I could not sit on my laurels. He did get off the drugs, thank god, and has come back to our family. It's going to take more time for his and my relationship to be fully healed, but I'm so grateful for what we have now. I learned it is possible to be on more than one timeline at once - underlying all the everyday matters, the seasonal matters, the yearly matters, there is another timeline that runs for all eternity - that of being constant in every small matter in my relationship with him, knowing that that is the only way his trust may grow.
I hope at least that you have an idea what underlies your estrangement with Joshua. The anguish is, if possible, even more acute when a person has no idea why they are being rejected. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain, and I hope that it leads not only to some resolution, but even to a deeper relationship than before.
xoxox
Aww, I am so happy for you that your son has come back.
And thank you for understanding my pain. <3
I just read this post today. I am so sorry about you and you Son. I also have an adult son who has severed all connections with me because we disagree on several important issues. I still love him with all my heart and pray that someday he will see past our differences and see the love that is still there.
Kristen, I can't imagine what you're going through. You've given support and comfort to so many of us, I wish I could give you some comfort, too. You're an amazing person and mom. Hang in there!
Kristen, I am so sorry. I am praying for you! I have an estranged sister and it is so hard on everyone in the family. Praying it is resolved soon! Thank you for your kind, cheerful blog even in the midst of hard times.
It really is. Hugs to you too!
Hugs and prayers, mama, Mr FG and girls. Hopefully with time and prayer this changes. Much love and respect.
Thank you!
Kristen,
Hi. I need to echo what so many of your other readers have already said. I hope your family is whole again very soon.
Remember that you have taught him well, given him so many life tools, he needs to find his place in this world.
As a long time reader, I noticed your son's absence on your blog. It was so courageous of you to open up about your very personal family struggle. Hugs to you.
Jennifer
Thank you so much for your kind words!
I am finding your post months later, Kristen, and my heart is breaking for you during this holiday season (especially), because like other readers/fans, I, too. had been wondering about Joshua. Having been a daughter, estranged from her father (after her mother passed away)--I can attest that keeping communication open means SO MUCH. No matter how narrow the passage. So, I urge you (if you have not already) to reach out even in very very small non-confrontational ways, if ONLY so Joshua knows you are still out there, somewhere. Send a basic Xmas card (without pressure or judgment). Mail a chocolate egg for Easter. Just, once in awhile, reach out in a small, safe way--
I love love love that clothing budget idea! It is phenomenal and a solution to all sort of teen-clothes problems.