Q&A | How do you stay patient?
Reader Karen messaged me on Instagram with this question:
How do you muster up patience and faith that things will work out, such as when your child is hunting for their first job?
This is a question that I'm not going to be able to answer from a completely secular perspective, which is probably going to be ok with Karen since she asked about faith!
But I just figured I should give a heads up to the rest of you. 🙂
Another heads up: I do not do this perfectly. I have spent plenty of hours lying awake at night, anxiously worrying about situations/relationships/the future, etc. However, when I'm worrying, it's usually because I'm not applying all the stuff in this post.
And when I do apply these things, I'm much more likely to experience patient peace.
Basically, I'm sharing this with you not as an expert, but as someone who is in the trenches next to you. 🙂
So. Here are some practices that help me when I'm feeling impatient or anxious.
1. I look at the past
There have been many, many times in the past when I have been all spooled up about something, anxious about how it will work out, and then that thing has worked out as I hope it would.
Even when the thing has not worked out as I hoped, well, I have still made it through. I have a 100% survival rate so far, and that gives me a reason to think I will likely survive whatever this future thing is too!
2. I remember that there is not one perfect outcome
If you are looking for a job or a house or any number of things, it can help to remember that there's more than one satisfactory outcome.
There are probably multiple jobs that would be good or multiple houses that would be good or multiple ways to resolve a problem. And realizing that can free up your mind a bit.
If you think there's only One Satisfactory Outcome, then you will be very stressed about finding it!
But if you keep your mind open to multiple options/outcomes/resolutions, I think you will feel more peace.
On a related note, when it comes to things like house-buying (or job-hunting), sometimes you hear a "no.", but the no makes way for a "yes" that is better in some way or another.
So sometimes, the way things end up is ultimately better than what I hoped for.
3. I try to remember that other average people have done ____ before
Other people's children have successfully found jobs.
Other people have successfully made it through Anatomy and Physiology (that one's for me!)
Other people have bought houses.
Other people have paid off debt.
Other people have survived hard pregnancies.
If other normal, average people have done these things, then it stands to reason that what I am facing is probably not impossible.
4. I trust that God knows what He's doing
Because I am a Christian, I believe that God is working things out for me and that even hard things like a long period of waiting, or a "no" when I wanted a "yes"...those things are still working for my good.
That belief helps me to breathe a little sigh of relief and allows me to have more of a spirit of acceptance; I have peace when I rest in the faith that Someone wiser than me is working all of this out.
I like Taylor Leonhardt's song, Poetry, which touches on these themes:
Isn’t it so hard for most of us to find the kind of patience that will trust
the slow steady work of God beneath the surface,
every moment working for our good
5. I try to stay in the moment
Anxious impatience usually comes from me mentally living in the future.
"Life will be awesome once we pay off this car."
"I can't wait until this pregnancy is over!"
"I'll feel much more relaxed once we find a house."
Sometimes these thoughts are true (my life DID improve greatly after my pregnancies were over!), but even when true, they're still not super helpful.
I made myself miserable when I focused on getting to the end of my pregnancies but I did much better if I focused on handling one day at a time.
I had a terrible time being patient as we saved up to pay cash for a new van; I did better when I focused on daily choices that helped us build up that savings account.
6. I try to hold my desired outcome with open hands
If I get dead-set on a particular timeline or a particular outcome, then I will likely experience a lot of pain if things don't pan out the way I've hoped.
I'm much better set up to weather whatever comes my way if I think, "I want this to work out like ____. But there are many ways for this to work out, and if I don't get what I want, when I want it, I know that I will still be ok, and I can still find ways to be at peace."
My pastor used to say, "Stay flexible or you'll break!" and there's a lot of truth in that. It's fine to want things and to work toward things, AND it is also helpful to hold things loosely and stay open to what might come down the pike.
7. I try to stay busy with things that I can actually control
When I'm impatiently, anxiously worrying, 9/10 times it's about something I can't control.
So, I find it helpful to focus on things that I can actually choose.
For instance, if you are anxious about your son's job hunt, you could:
- focus on your own job
- support him in his hunt by encouraging him
- do something fun with your husband and son
- look for ways to serve someone else
- chat (and commiserate!) with some other mom friends
- distract yourself with a new hobby
8. I remember that there will always be something to worry about
You know how early on in pregnancy, you think you will relax once you get out of the first trimester?
And then you think you will relax once your baby is born and you can actually confirm they're ok because you can see them breathing?
And then you think you will relax once your baby can roll over, because then you don't have to worry they will suffocate in their sleep?
This goes on and on and on.
Life sends an endless supply of worry topics to us (and this seems particularly true for those of us who are parents!)
Based on this fact, it really does not make sense to impatiently wait for a resolution to Current Worry X because a resolution is not going to free us from worry. A new worry is waiting in the wings, right behind Current Worry X.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that it's helpful to remember that the problem is me, not the situation. So the problem will be resolved, not by a change of situation, but by me reframing my thoughts.
Readers, what advice would you add to mine? What helps you when you are feeling anxious and impatient?
P.S. Karen sent me this question a few weeks ago, and just yesterday she messaged me to say her son did get a job. Yay! But given #8 above, this post can probably still be relevant for Karen (and the rest of us!) in the future. 🙂
What a wonderful post! Thank you for this. And yes, yes, yes to all your points.
I am not Christian (I am Jewish) but I am a believer. My faith helps me a lot. If the "problem" gets overwhelming I find comfort believing that whatever happens - it is part of an universal masterplan - I do not have to like it and I certainly often do not understand it, but I know, it serves a purpose and it is meant to make sense in the end.
The bad news is that the world can be a nasty place - the good news is that with my actions and thoughts and helping somebody I can make it a little better - right here and right now! I can make a difference for the better - anytime and anywhere - and this knowledge simply empowers me and gives me energy to deal with the situation/problem. And I am grateful then that the world is not perfect - after all - what sense would it make to live in a perfect world????
On a more practical note:
When in worry/doubt/distress/despair etc it helps me to:
take several deep conscious breathes
walk in nature, taking in all the beauty, pondering about how nature and life work in cycles and not straight lines.
My grandmother so often told me how she stood in the ruins and rubble in her hometown after WW2 right in front of what was left from her house. That was in May and the lilac in full bloom. She just absorbed and cherished the very strong fragrance of the flowery bush and was just so content and full of trust and knowledge that somewhere lilac will be blooming year after year no matter what!
reach out to somebody who above all is good listener
reach out to people who might be willing/capable for practical help
trying to slice the whole salami into manageable portions
before going ahead with major decisions I try to imagine the worst possible outcome - if I can picture that I could handle the worst I go ahead. To my amazement it is very, very rare that the worst possible outcome seems unmanageable for me
When I have those sleepless nights or constant roller coaster in my head I do try (often with the help of others) to sort out how much of this is caused by unrealistic expectations on my part or pressure/expectations put on me by "having" to fulfill certain standards etc....
Kristen, your Wednesday posts are my favourite as they so often touch what really matters and happens in life.
@Lea, I was very touched by the story of your Grandmother and the lilac. What a beautiful reminder that even in the worst of times, there are still things to appreciate it only you are willing to be open to them. Thank you for sharing.
@Lea,
Wow! 2 wonderful posts... thank you for sharing both of your thoughts. I need all the help I can get dealing with anxiety.
@Carlisa Sanders, I agree 100%! Great posts, Kristen and Lea.
All my life I have battled with a bad temper and impatience. Sometimes I set myself tasks to keep myself busy. I will deliberately tell myself that the situation is in God's hands and His will. As Kristen has said that the answer is sometimes not what we want but there are options etc.
This is a beautiful post. Life can be a roller coaster ride and finding inner peace can be challenging. You have given everyone a wonder set of tools to get through the difficult times.
I forgot to add:
A good sense of humour can be very helpful. Readers Lindsey and A. Marie come to my mind with their ability to see the funny moments and how they capture them.
I am not exactly known for my sense for humour - that's why I turn to people then who do have it. A moment of outright laughter out of a totally unexpected and "unorthodox" perspective - it helps me tremendously to get instant relief in moments of anxiousness and impatience.
It is one of the things I miss most about my late husband. He was the most humorous person I have ever met.
Oh yes, I love how those two readers add humor to their challenges; so inspiring!
And I am just wanting to express empathy about the loss of your husband; I am sure it is so hard to lose someone who was such a light in your life.
@Kristen,
Thank you Kristen for your empathy.
In my mind, one of the biggest faults that we, as humans indulge in, is worry. Worry doesn't help any situation. It makes the situation much worse. Birds, squirrels, insects, etc don't worry, and their needs are met. They do their share and God does the rest.
Instead, turn your concern over to God and let Him handle it. And don't take it back from Him. He is much better able to handle any situation than are we. Rest in the knowledge that what is supposed to happen, will happen. (If the child gets this job, they are not available for that really good job they were supposed to get.)
'Just my two cents worth. I'm glad the situation worked out the way he wanted it to and God bless all of you!!!
Yay for Karen and her son! I don't have anything particularly wise to add, just that I love the phrase "all spooled up." Never heard that before, but it makes an immediate mental visual.
Really enjoyable and helpful post!
I apply a lot of this myself and I see a lot of overlap with meditation practice.
My two biggest helps are to recognize when I’m overthinking or obsessing on a worry (When I notice myself doing that, I say the word “thinking” in my head which sort of stops the process and brings me back to the present).
And as you said above, reminding myself of all the other times I was so worried about something that amounted to nothing. As a very small example, I missed a phone call from someone in a higher position at work who doesn’t normally ever call me. I wasn’t able to call back right away and spent the next 30 minutes thinking nonstop about what the call could be about and running scenarios through my head on how I’d done something wrong and how’d I’d respond when asked. When I eventually called back, it was an extremely quick, basic question he had, and was not at all bad or related to any work I’d done. Such a wasted 30 minutes of worry and I know I’ve done it countless times before! That’s why I continue to practice trying to stop myself when I notice it happening. It’s a work in progress though.
Your #1 is what has been a huge help to me over the years. God has proven over and over that even when His plan or timing is different than mine, He is wiser and trustworthy.
When it came to Really Big Scary Stuff, stuff that was completely unfair, stuff that had the potential to rock my family's entire world and be horrible, I had to come to the point where I just said, "Jesus, you are enough. You've never left me and even if this horrible thing happens, I know that you'll be with me every step." It still makes me cry to think about the trauma of that scary time, but I'm thankful to be on the other side because I learned things that I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't gone through it.
@Ruth T, Two weeks ago, my husband had a cardiac event. His co-worker ensured that he received immediate medical help. Later when dear hubby thanked her, she simply said, “I made sure you got help, but God was in charge.”
@Bee,
What a great perspective to have!
Something I find very hard, yet very helpful, to do is to thank Him in all things (not FOR all things, but IN all things) because, regardless of what is making me impatient and/or worried, I've been given so much to be thankful for. I say, "I WILL praise and thank You" every day while listing some of the many things I have to be thankful for. It really helps me.
I love all of your suggestions & have used many of these over the years. Two more that are especially helpful to me are -
1. If feeling more stressed & worried than usual, I will purposefully sit or lie down & concentrate on my breathing; in & out, slowly, emptying my mind.
2. As soon as I realize that I’m fretting over something, I immediately say a pray thanking God that He is in control.
God's promises!
I keep a very basic journal, a calendar with an area 1 1/2 X 6 for each day so it is not overwhelming to keep up. It really helps me to sometimes look at past times when things have all worked out.
Kristen, you tackled the topic well.
My boys struggle with anxiety and we've been talking a lot recently about tools that God has given us to help with through those emotions. Giving ourselves permission to feel those emotions, understand what is causing our body to feel those emotions, validating them, and releasing them to God. And part of releasing them is finding ways to let our body get rid of the tension.
Lea hit the nail on the head-- laughter is one of the greatest ways to release emotional tension from our body. Crying also releases tension. Physical motion releases tension. And even giving ourselves time to process and share things with a trusted friend can help our bodies release tension.
My boys love this five minute meditation (but it is from a Christian perspective): http://soulspace.co/grow/e3004010f
Oh yes, I should probably have added exercise to the list! It is amazing how something as simple as an outdoor walk can clear my head.
@Kristen, and exercise helps you sleep better, which tends to be a challenge when you are stressed. Something about exercising outside resets my brain.
I LOVE this post Kristen. I find it to be a timely in the days we are living in.
I am like you a Christian and I am also a person that struggles with worry all.the.time. I am constantly working on not allowing myself to move into worry and anxiety and I have frequent talks with the Lord on this subject. I am no expert but here are a few things that helped me.
1. Give it to God. This is huge. I know to many folks this seems like a spiritual task and it many ways it is. I also find it to be a physical one because in many instances I have to actively pray about whatever the thing is and open my hands to let it go and hand it over to him. Sometimes, more often than not, this is a task that I have to do daily - many times multiple times a day. I find comfort in knowing that there are many people in the same boat and the freedom that comes with opening those hands and chucking the worry or outcome onto Him...man there is just nothing better.
2. Talk it out. In prayer, in therapy, with your spouse, with close friends. I find it best to never hold worry inside because it comes out in ways that are just not good for us like sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, high blood pressure, stress eating. I always feel better when I talk about whatever the thing is.
3. Rest. I rest in knowing that God has always seen me through, His ways are higher than my own, and even when I don't understand...He always has a better plan.
4. Piggybacking off of you here Kristen. Stay in the present. Thinking ahead can rob you of the joy of today. No harm in planning for the future but don't get too mired down in it.
5. Don't let comparison steal your joy! This is a tough one so I am talking to myself here. If you have food in your belly, a roof over your head, clothes on your back, medicine when you need it, and clean water you are wealthy. I think a lot of times we get hung up in worry because we want this or that or the other thing that everyone around us seems to have. It is good to remember the difference between wants and needs. Would I love a huge house and a bottomless budget to decorate it with...Yep! Would I love to pay the mortgage on it, high utility bills, and clean it once a week...Nope! Perspective 🙂
A wise friend told me that when you're born, you're assigned a problem number. Throughout your life, you will always have that many problems. Sometimes they're small and you think you have none. Sometimes they're large and overwhelming and you think, "Woe is me." Mostly it's a mix of the two. Embracing this concept has been hugely helpful for me.
@Dicey, I love that! Thank you for sharing. Your friend is very wise.
I just love these discussions, from the carefully thought-out answers from Kristen to the insightful community responses. And the great questions posed by the readers! It’s always so so helpful with problems that plague us all.
I’m not very patient but trying hard to be. I usually resort to deep breathing, prayers, and gratitude to help me but now have a treasure trove of new ideas to try. Many thanks!
I needed THIS EXACT post today. Thank you!!❤️❤️❤️
Yay! I'm glad it was perfect timing for you (especially since I missed the window of time that the original question-asker really needed. Ha.)
Thank you for this, Kristen. I am in the middle (actually not quite 1/3) of the way through a situation that cannot be resolved until next summer. I really dislike being in limbo.
#8 is especially helpful, because even when/if I do get a resolution to this particular issue, other questions will naturally arise and I will likely have new worries.
I recently read an article about living with uncertainty https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/seven_ways_to_cope_with_uncertainty
One tip in that article was especially helpful: Don't believe everything you think!
Thank you so much for this post! I had a first and second interview for what I thought was my dream job (remote, too!), and I heard back just yesterday that they were moving forward with another candidate. I so appreciate reading this today!!
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that, and I hope something better comes down the pike for you shortly.
@J., I’m sorry you did not get the job. I’d like to suggest however that you write a nice thank-you letter to the company/person who interviewed you.
I once was passed over for a job I coveted, was told I was the second choice. I was hurt but thanked them nicely. A month later they called to say that their first choice hadn’t worked out and I got the job. You just never know.
@Erika JS, superb idea! And if they don't need you, they might suggest your name to someone else looking to hire.
@J., I was once the second choice out of 300 candidates for a great job! Several years later, I received a phone call from the owner of the business. He had found my name and was calling to see if I would be interested in being trained to someday take over the business when he retires! True story! I actually declined due to certain circumstances. But, the moral of the story is that you just never know what can happen in the future! Other doors will open!
Excellent post, Kristen--and thanks to you and Lea for the compliments. (Also, Lea, I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. I feel much the same about my DH--who was the smartest, kindest, funniest man I've ever known--even though he hasn't yet actually passed from this earth.)
I too have been an anxious person all my life. And certainly DH's Alzheimer's has been a master class for me in learning to live and deal with something enormous I can't control. I use some of the coping mechanisms that others have mentioned, plus a few others. Here's my list:
Exercise. (A daily walk, which has stretched from 30 minutes to an hour as I get older and slower, plus gardening in season. And let me not forget the benefits of hauling a basket of wet laundry up two flights of steps to hang it on my ancient drying racks two or three times a week. As long as I can still do that, I don't need no cardiologist.)
Humor. If I can't laugh at some things--heck, a lot of things--you might as well nail down the lid over me.
Remembering that things could always be worse. Some of the folks on the caregiver forums on the Alzheimer's Association websites are dealing with much worse situations than mine, with far fewer advantages.
Being as well informed about the options in various situations as I can be, making the best decisions I can under the circumstances, and not second-guessing myself too much afterwards.
Being as open about our situation as possible, without at the same time being a Debbie Downer or calling a pity party. I find in general that the more people know, the better things go.
And reminding myself of the two sayings into which I've boiled down the first three of the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism: "@#$! happens" and "Who said life was fair?" (To the extent that I follow any religious tradition these days, I am a very casual and lazy Buddhist.)
Kristen, I especially liked your comment about having a 100% survival rate so far. For non-fatal situations, I tend to rely on humor as in "someday this will be funny" and perspective as in "someday I probably won't even remember this." Resiliency, decisiveness, optimism, persistence, self-esteem and emotional intelligence have all helped me survive so far.
I am a HUGE worrier. It is in my DNA...I even dream about things that are on my mind. I have to constantly preach truth and scripture to myself instead of "go there in my head". It is a joke in our family that my husband NEVER worries because I do enough of it for both of us!
About 3 years ago, my husband and I walked away from what we thought was our dream job/retirement plan/sweat equity buying of a restaurant. We had put over 6 years of our lives into it, and we were heartbroken. We knew that we had to leave though.
During that time, we also had to move (in town) and we were really unsure of our future. A friend asked us to write down our life story during that time, and I was a little annoyed, to be honest. I have since read it several times and added to it because what I saw over and over through reading our crazy life story is that God was faithful at every turn even when we couldn't see what was happening. I want to be able to leave that letter as a legacy to my kids.
We are now empty nesters, have moved cross country, have jobs that we both enjoy, and have a first grandchild arriving next year! I could not have seen that three years ago, but I love it now!
I am a very anxious person and was always feelings afraid, a bit angry and somewhat depressed. I decided enough was enough and started a gratitude journal.
Then I decided to make it even simpler. Every morning before I get out of bed I thank God starting with my feet that they are in good shape and I can walk. I then move my feet back and forth. Then I thank God for my hands I that they work and I can use them. I move them around in a circle. I work my way through my 5 senses touching my eyes, nose ears and mouth.
I thank God for a house that keeps me safe, dry and warm/cool depending on the time of year.
This is now habit and I feel so much better that I wish I had started this 50 years ago and not just 10.
Just reminding myself how much I have gives me so much peace. Many people do not have even these simple things.
@karen,
This is a fabulous exercise, Karen!
I agree with all you recommended, Kristen. I liked the way you talked about what worked for you, versus trying to tell other people what to do or believe.
A topic that resonates with many readers!
A practical tip that has helped me through periods of severe anxiety and worry, is to reserve half an hour a day (not right before bedtime, people) to do just that- worry and allow yourself to think of worst case scenarios, in detail. Then when the half hour is past, go back to your usual activities. This way you allow yourself the emotions of your worry without letting them upset your entire life. In the beginning I would wear a thin elastic hair band around my wrist and snap it a few times to remind myself if my mind would start wandering and it was not yet worry hour. It is a way of self conditioning and it will take some weeks to take effect.
This was advice I needed today. Thank you for sharing your strategy and being open about your Christian faith.
This is one of the best posts I’ve read! At perfectly summarizes everything I am striving towards when it comes to worrying and decision making. (More often than not I’m not succeeding however. But it still helps to read this.)Thank you!
One of my favorite posts you've ever done!
Oh, hi Shawn! (and thank you!) It's been a while since I've heard from you. I thought of you the other day because Zoe just got her learner's permit, so I'm about to teach my fourth kid how to drive. You taught a driving course for teens, right? That's why you came to mind.
This is a great list. I would add to #5 a slightly different way of staying in the moment. This fall I've had a lot of existential worries. Will we find a home? Will we have to move temporarily and then move again? Will I be able to teach if we move temporarily? Etc. Etc. I have a tendency to catastrophize. One thing I did that helped in the middle of the night when I would be chewing away at scary scenarios like a dog with a bone was to say to myself, "Hold on a minute. You have a home tonight. You are okay right this minute. You are under a roof and protected from the weather. You have a studio and can teach tomorrow." It actually did help me to relax when I did that.
Thank you for this wonderful post! Number 2 really resonates with me. I definitely have to remind myself that there isn't a perfect outcome, and that sometimes it's fine to aim for a good enough outcome.