Q&A | Hawaii, podcasts, what I'm reading, & birthday freebies
I’m curious about how you feel about Hawaii. I mean it’s super exciting for Lisey but Hawaii is terribly expensive. Everything is vastly more expensive. That and it’s sooo far away. I have three grown children and they live their own lives, but I would be a little concerned if one wanted to move to Hawaii. Just curious about your thoughts, financially anyway. You don’t have to elaborate on the distance because I’m sure I know, as a mother, how you feel about that. Thanks.
-Amanda
I am actually not worried, for a few reasons.
For starters, I know Lisey.
She is extremely debt-averse and very financially savvy. When she was little, she was pondering a purchase and she decided it was too much money. "I don't want to be bank-robbed (bankrupt).", she said!
And that gives you a sense of how she relates to money. 😉
She's worked so hard to put herself through school with almost no debt; she's worked crazy hours, and she's applied for scads of scholarships.
So I know she's going to be careful with her money.
Secondly, she's going to be making pretty decent money right out of the gate as an aircraft mechanic.
She won't have a car payment (her company is shipping her current car and motorcycle over for her), her rent is not crazy high (she's renting a house with one other woman roomate), and she doesn't live an expensive lifestyle in other ways, so I know her income is going to be fine for her needs.
Thirdly, it's not like she's stuck there forever.
If she eventually decides she wants to live somewhere cheaper, she can always pivot. Nothing is permanent about this.
Fourthly, even IF I did have hesitations about this idea of hers, my attitude is that she's entitled to a full human experience, which includes making mistakes and trying lots of different things.
Maybe she and I are both wrong, and this will end up being a not-great experience for her. Who knows?
In that case, I still think, "Ok, no biggie!". Every experience in life, positive or negative, provides data...she will learn a lot about herself through this process, regardless of how it goes.
No harm, no foul, and I trust that she will figure out the best path for herself.
And as far as the distance goes: yep, Hawaii IS really far away. And OF COURSE we will miss her terribly!!
But it's not impossibly far to visit occasionally, and thanks to the internet and cell phones, we can still text and call and video chat.
Also: when she lived with my aunt and uncle, I saw her pretty infrequently, even though she was only about two hours away.
To some degree, once you're not local, it sort of doesn't matter if you are 2 hours away or 15 hours away; you still don't see each other all the time.
So in some ways, it will not be so terribly different than her being away at school.
In conclusion, I am not losing any sleep at night over this Hawaii move of hers. I think it's gonna be fine. 🙂
Which podcasts do you listen to?
-lots of readers
Let's see; some of them I don't want to share at this point, because if I do, that will be me inadvertently sharing a little too much about what was wrong in my marriage.
The ones that don't fall into that category:
- Before Breakfast (Laura Vanderkam): a super short daily podcast about productivity
- Dr. Matt and Dr. Mike's Medical podcast: an anatomy podcast done by two Australian Anatomy and Physiology professors
- How Not to Suck at Divorce: a new addition (!!) because I want to learn how to navigate this as well as possible
- How to Money: the only finance-related podcast I listen to! I had dinner with Joel and Matt, the hosts, at FinCon and they are lovely people!
- Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine: a mostly funny show about the bad medical practices throughout history and also into modern times. The hosts are overtly politically liberal, but that mostly doesn't crop up except when they get into more modern-day medical dilemmas. The shows that focus on past history are more a-political.
- Passionately Married: I started listening to this one long ago, and I've kept it in my playlist because hey, one day I hope to be remarried.
- You are Not Broken: a show hosted by a female urologist, mostly focusing on menopause and women's health. I know menopause is in my not-so-distant future so I figured it would be helpful to learn about it in advance!
How in the world do you fit in classes, studying, or volunteering?? Looked to me as if you went non-stop all day with just living life, “keeping the homefires burning”. I commend you on not wasting time, not making excuses, continuing to process the difficult emotions, fitting in learning (Duolingo), making time to share bread and visit with Donna, eating regular balanced meals, keeping that law of thermodynamics from wrecking order in your home.
-Jana
Haha, well, this latest day in the life is kind of an odd one because I am currently in my gap semester while I wait for nursing school to start. So yeah, my days are less packed right now than usual.
Last semester when I was in school with multiple classes, my days looked different; mainly there was way more studying! And of course, there was class time too.
I did still walk almost every day while I was in school, but I don't think I did much in the way of weight-lifting. And I probably wouldn't have had time to redeem a birthday freebie or help Lisey with things like getting rid of her old phones.
But right now, I do have the time, so I'm taking advantage of it.
Since you took a request for a Day-in-the-Life post, would you consider taking a request for a What-I-am-Reading post?
-Jana
Sure! Currently I'm reading two books related to Zoe and her English class. She read Sense and Sensibility and then she and I also watched the two-part miniseries, so then I thought I should maybe reread the book!
I relate most to Elinor, largely because:
- I have always been a very responsible, sensible person
- I have had so many times in life where I have been quietly dealing with pain that I couldn't share with others
I hope things will eventually turn out for me as well as they did for Elinor! 😉
I'm also reading Give and Take, another book that Zoe read in English class. She said, "Mom, I really think you would like this book!" I'm not super far into it, but I think Zoe is right. It basically delves into how being a giving person actually does often end up benefitting the giver.
I don't think that's a good reason to show love to others, but it IS nice to hear that being kind has some serious practical benefits.
Thank you for sharing your day with us. Do you plan your day or do things as it comes?
-Farhana
This really depends on the day. Some days I just take things as they come, but other times I go into my day with a good list of things I want to get done.
The latter usually results in a more productive day, because I don't have to waste time thinking, "Hmm, what should I do next?"
I’m curious… what companies you are signed up with to get your freebies? It could be a fun thread to see what places you and others have found that offer birthday treats. Thanks!
-Elaine
Some of my birthday freebies were from local places, but quite a few were from national chains, like:
- DSW
- Starbucks
- Panera Bread
- Potbelly
- Ace Hardware
- Victoria's Secret
- Kohl's
Basically, my strategy is to always sign up for a loyalty/rewards program with a company, and most of the time, that results in a birthday freebie.
In April, I poked through my shopping/restaurant apps to check and see what birthday rewards were there, and I also went into my email and searched the word "birthday" to find all the emailed birthday offers.
Obviously, this works best if you live in an area with lots of stores nearby; driving a long way to get a free coffee doesn't make sense. I live in an area that is heavily populated with stores, though, so it's very easy for me to stop in and pick something up when I am already in the area.
If you are very concerned about privacy, you probably don't want to do this whole birthday thing! But I figure the privacy ship has already sailed with me, so I might as well get freebies and live large every April. 🙂
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Wonderful how you are NOT worried about Liseys future.
I never get it why parents start to worry simply because there grown kids are about to leave the house and start their own life.
That's what having a baby is about after all!
You do your best while raising them and one day they are ready to leave.
Those parents with their worries about that - I always wonder why they seem to have so little trust in themselves and their efforts in raising the kids. Also I often think that with constant worry they show very little trust with the young adults. Not very encouraging....
I "left" my family, country and continent to build and live my own life. No one expressed any worry I might not "succeed" and it never occurred to me that I should "worry" about myself or my future. I am so, so grateful that I never had to deal with "worrying" parents - I would have felt choked and chained down and mistrusted.
Now my three sons are grown and live their own lifes. Two of them "far" from me, one of them abroad. We talk and we visit and I live my life and enjoy aspects which I had to neglect while raising my sons.
Sometimes I wonder that this "worry" actually is a cover up for wistfulness.....?
I can think of some wild scenarios that would worry me...like if Lisey suddenly told me she wanted to sail across the ocean by herself. Ha.
But as long as it's not something super dangerous like that, then it's fine with me.
And yes; Lisey is young, but she is trustworthy in so many ways, so I know she will be fine. She will figure it all out.
@Kristen, @Lea, This is my struggle now with my oldest half way across the country. On one hand, he is a smart young man and totally trustworthy. I am not worried about his actions. But he has experienced difficulties this first year away that I would not have wished on anybody and which were not of his making.
I hate to see any of my children in pain, physical or otherwise. But I don't think I've coddled my children or kept them in bubble wrap too much, so I am learning to trust more. This isn't easy for me at all.
@Lea, I am not a "worrying" parent. I think a lot of that comes from losing control, or not trusting.
@Lea,
Well said.
@Jody S., @Kristen, @Lea, this was my issue as well. Its not that I didn't trust my daughter, but there are so many looney tunes in the world right now and even back then. However, my husband convinced me that I had to "let go" and let her discover her life and what she wanted out of it. We had done our jobs as parents and it was time for her to live on her own. I am very proud of her for doing what she wants to do. I still worry about her though, and will always worry about her. But it is a different kind of worry now and not as strong a worry (if that makes sense).
I'm a worrying parent, but it stems from trauma in my past. For instance, when my son first learned to ride a bike, I had panic attacks (that I hid from him) because my brother was hit by a car and killed riding his bike. Also, I was a very very independent girl and my parents never worried about me, which I (also very sensitive) translated to a lack of caring. To this day I don't understand why no adult took me aside and helped me when I was flailing badly from ages 18 to 23 or so. So I am probably overprotective of my own children.
@Denise, Control. I agree.
@Rose, I can totally relate to this. I wish I had had parents who worried about me.
This is interesting...I guess the important thing is to strike a balance. I think Lisey does know that I care greatly about her, but she also knows I trust her to figure things out and manage her life. And she knows I'm there for her when she's having difficulties. When she lived away at school, she called me regularly, often when she was encountering difficulties.
So I know she will likely continue to do the same when she moves to Hawaii, and so I feel glad to know she feels she can depend on me to be there and care. <3
@Anne, @Rose, I was in that same boat. I had parents who didn't worry, didn't really stay in touch when I went to school, didn't send the customary care packages that most kids were getting, etc etc. I took it as a lack of caring but I also know (now) that my parents were going through a lot of their own stuff (disintegrating marriage, physical and mental health issues and more) so I think they did the best they could. However, it really wasn't enough and I, too, flailed from the time I was 18 until I was well into my 30s. I think a little "worry" from my parents might have been just the support I needed.
@Lea, I'm not sure I interpret "worry" about adult children as lack of trust. In some cases that might be the case but, in general, I think it's just caring for our children and hoping for the best. (I'm not talking about helicopter parents or helicopter worrying but just general concern, care and worry as a way of hoping for the best for our children. I could have used a bit of that from my parents.)
I was very independent and if anyone asked me how I was doing, which I don't think anyone did, I fobbed them off with "I'm fine, I screwed that up, but it won't happen again" etc. I was struggling with serious mental health issues including agoraphobia. Buuuut someone should have said, 'No, really, let's figure out what's wrong and how we can solve it."
I've learned from my own kids' struggles at the same age that most people are uncaring wimps who can't be bothered to put themselves out for others. To wit, everyone, literally everyone giving up on my kids, except me, my sister and my mother. Their father did, their grandparents, my friends, and so on. My husband wanted to kick my son out of the house, which caused a deep rift between us when I said THAT'S NOT HAPPENING. etc. People would prefer to write off a young person and/or let me get the police calls in the middle of the night.
This doesn't have anything to do with Lisey. She is doing great and I think everyone here at TFG is really proud of her. Kristen is right not to worry about her--she will be fine.
Rose, Happy Mother's Day to you, (and to all the mothers on here). Rose, if no one else has said it or will say it to you this year, I will say it: you are a great mother, and I think your children are very lucky individuals. ♥
@st, Thanks! My son will probably just give me a gigantic card from the 7 Eleven ("The bigger the card, the more you care!"), just to be annoying, and one of those horrible little teddy bears from the 7 Eleven which he buys to tease me because he knows how much I hate them and then whoops! Betsy the coonhound gets them "somehow" and rips them up.
My daughter won't do anything because I'm worse than Hitler. She had a screeching spittle flecked meltdown at me earlier this week.
@Anne, and @ Rose,
SAME. My mom once said she worried about my three sisters (two of whom were married). When I asked if she worried about me (single at the time, living in a somewhat sketchy area) she said "no, not really". (Frowny face).
I'm curious as to what language you're doing on Duolingo. Are you using any other methods to learn that language or just Duolingo? And what is your motivation for learning it? Thanks!
When I was 23 I moved to Alaska, 5,000 miles from my parents, and it was great for me. I had many adventures and learned a ton. I stayed away for 14 years, then moved back to be closer to my parents when my kids were young so they could grow up with family around. Having me gone was hard on my mom, who had always tried to convince me to live next to her forever (backfired maybe?), but I can’t imagine having spent my life in or near my hometown without venturing out into the world. I certainly wouldn’t be the same person. I know that sticking around is wonderful for some people, but I was ready for adventure. Whenever I read about Lisey she reminds me so much of myself at that age. (Driving a giant chick to Canada is totally something I would have done… might still do…) I’m sure you’ll miss each other, but I think it’s a gift that you’re letting her go without the weight of guilt for leaving. Happy trails, Lisey!
My family lived on Oahu for a few years when I was a kid, and that's still the place out of all that I've lived that people just absolutely LIGHT UP (possibly with jealousy . . .) when they hear about it. Lisey is at just the right age and life stage for this sort of experimental move. I would be thrilled for any of my kids to do something similar, despite how much I would miss them.
Shortly before we moved to New Mexico, I wrote a post about how the things that people think you are craziest for planning to do are ultimately the things those same people think are the most awesome after they're done.
So go be crazy/awesome, Lisey. And go visit, Kristen. 🙂
Exactly! This is a perfect time of life to do something a little unusual. I think she'd always regret it if she didn't take this opportunity and at least try it.
@Kristen, When I used to work at a call center interviewing insurance applicants, the people from Hawaii were just the nicest folks ever. I loved talking to Hawaiians because they were very friendly and calm and nothing ruffled their feathers! The hardest part about Hawaiian cases was trying to spell the geographical names that were in the native Hawaiian language. But the people would patiently spell those impossibly long words for me, sometimes more than once, until I got it right. They were so sweet and nice with a cheerful disposition. If they are as nice in person as they are over the phone, then Lisey has nothing to worry about; no matter what happens, she's sure to find a friendly soul to help her out.
Praise God that you are letting Lisey fly!! We should raise our children to be able to stand on their own. My son and dil and 2 of my grandkids are missionaries in Thailand. Was it hard to see them go, YES. Do I believe that I raised them to be on their own, YES. We have all adjusted to the time change and FaceTime accordingly! My granddaughter just turned 18 and is planning to “fly” on her own. Do I trust she will be okay, YES! God did not give us a spirit of fear ❤️
I am super excited for Lisey. Now is the time in her life for adventure and risk taking. I moved immediately after school to an unknown place for an adventure and it ranks as one of my best decisions. Hooray for a mature kid who is ready to adult! Well done mom.
It is refreshing to read what a loving parent thinks about how she feels about one of her kids moving towards a new life elsewhere. It makes the point that if you trust your child, and they have heretofore exhibited common sense and exemplary behavior, you may miss them but you won't be worried about threats to their very existence, no matter where they are.
You make a good point that the distance, be it two hours of a long plane ride, isn't relevant if you have already experienced someone you care about living away from you.
I am sure that Lisey will be fine no matter as it's clear her confidence has been built up over the years by her achievements and commitments met. Plus, most of us know that one can undertake big changes if one feels love and is supported in the moves as you are doing with Lisey.
We should all be so lucky as to have a mom like you cheering us on and reinforcing our ability to handle change. Kids and others respond to the signals we send and showing your confidence will only reinforce Lisey's.
Also, as much as one can miss the physical presence, if one is truly connected, that connection will be maintained. You've raised her with a deep connection to her family and especially you (from what you've written over the years) and that won't change, whether Hawaii or elsewhere.
And your attitude as regards it possibly not working out? All the better because it is true: We must live our lives, make our errors in judgment...always remembering that we do the best we can with the knowledge we have in any moment, to make a choice. Things NOT working out is NOT the end of the world. Your young lady is clearly strong enough to go it on her own. (I love love love that she pursued her dream of working in aviation. Some parents would have actively discouraged her from this "non-traditional" career choice for a young woman.) Bravo for your support. We need more moms and dads who listen to their kids and encourage them in their life choices.
Thanks for the idea for the You're Not Broken podcast. I'll be adding it today! I'm a few months away from 43 and am 11 days days "late" and definitely not pregnant. This happened to me in 2020 as well. My cycles that year were 7 weeks apart, but due to my work and covid, I was extremely stressed. I found only one woman willing to talk about menopause/perimenopause. My family won't talk about it neither.
If Lisey likes hot/warm weather, she will likely LOVE Hawaii. I sure did.
@Lisa, every time I bring up perimenopause on my facebook page, tons of women reach out to me about it. It is so crazy. It's the thing everyone goes through and no one talks about ... until we do, and then it's like a dam has burst.
@Lisa, I have yet to even find a gynecologist who is helpful during the menopausal transition. It's like after child-bearing years, they wash their hands of you. I went into early menopause due to a hysterectomy. And why women don't talk to other women about it is beyond me. Very sad. Good luck to you.
@Lisa, and Kristen and everyone,
Do not fear menopause. Think of it as a "mini-pause." When my periods quit, I felt like I got my life back! So nice! As for the hot flashes, drinking soy milk on a regular basis took care of that right away. (Something to do with plant-based estrogen receptors.) I loved the chocolate soy milk they used to have, and if I ran out and didn't drink it for a couple of days, my "power surges" (hot flashes) would start up on the third day. After a couple of years, I didn't have 'em at all anymore. Don't dread it; you'll do fine.
@Lisa, I'm 47 and am going through perimenopause. It's a BEAR. Things are happening to my body and my mind that are making it hard to ignore. The mental confusion, the inability to lose weight, the sleep issues (and the sweatiness at night!), the weird body temperatures...Sigh. I read an article that (in a nutshell) said that our brains are going through processes to move the "efforts" towards reproductive actions to something else and that "rewiring" causes symptoms like forgetfulness and inability to focus. It actually validated a lot of what I've been going through. It really feels like no one talks about it but it really is like going through puberty all over again but this time I'm aware of the changes vs. when I was a tween and oblivious. Not sure if your symptoms are due to stress/illness or perimenopause, but regardless - Hang in there! I'm also adding the podcast to my list.
@CrunchyCake, Oh wait. I'm only 46. Does this happen to other people? I have a hard time keeping track of how old I am...
45, and so far it's mainly the night sweats for me.
Waiting in the wings of my mind are all the things I want to say, but they are currently being muffled by my need to read the grocery ads in advance of making the 40-mile drive to buy all the things to get ready for five kids and two adults to eat three squares a day together for the foreseeable three months (or realistically initial coupla-three weeks, considering that I likely can't store quite *that* much).
Most important among them then is this: Perimenopause is deserving of all the swear words. Worst. Good to be prepared.
@Karen., Hard NO to that. It is not always terrible. It's like childbirth, some women say that having a baby is the MOST painful thing EVER, and it's so TERRIBLE, so that it's a little scary to women who haven't had children. Same with peri- and menopause . . . for some women, it's complicated, and they need to see their medical provider for help to manage symptoms, and for many others it's just another part of life, not too terrible and just occasionally uncomfortable.
@Jean, OK, my tendency to exaggerate is unfortunate. You're completely correct. Given my experiences to date with uncomplicated everything, I fully expected perimenopause to be a total nonissue. It's not. I wish that we didn't find it hard to talk about it. I wish there were more research into the situation (regrettably, for me, hormone treatment results in horrific headaches, and the alternatives are few).
For me, it is that my brain turns on me — there are physical manifestations too, but the stuff my brain tells me for three or four days a month are just about enough to ruin everything. It's hard work to keep reminding myself that it's all false and things are genuinely OK, and I am OK. It's hard.
@Jean, I didn't think it was too bad either. I never had hot flashes or anything like that. I do wonder if my constant anxiety is linked, though. While much of my body has been annoyingly troublesome my adult life, my reproductive system is a champ! heh.
Re hair, bones, etc, I haven't noticed my hair thinning, but again, it's always been ultra thick. My bones are super sturdy (I can't wear 7" bracelets, for example) so haven't noticed that either.
@Karen., I had to laugh at your "exaggeration" of it because that was EXACTLY my experience as well!! It deserved all the swear words. I had very, very easy periods all of my life but perimenopause was almost intolerable for me!! We all have our own experiences with these things and I'm always so perplexed when I hear women say that they seem to have breezed through something that made me feel like I wanted to just crawl in a hole until it went away. On the other hand, I couldn't relate to cramps and heavy periods because mine were always so easy.
@Karen.,
I don't think you're exaggerating one bit.
@Sarah, I hear you! I think stress has a lot to do with this and lack of support adds fuel to it. The problem is that the doctors just want to find you an anxiety/ depression medicine to deal with this :(.
@Jean, I was one of the lucky ones, no hot flashes, no pain, no hormonal swings. In fact, I suddenly realized one day that I had not had a period in about three months and that was it, I never had another one. I have no idea why I lucked out but when I read what other women go through I am very thankful!
I love the confidence you have in Lisey and that you know in your heart that she will have an amazing life in Hawaii. It's a sign to me that you recognize that you have done a great job in raising her. It is difficult as a parent to have the kids move far away, but as you said with text and video calls you can still keep in touch every day.
Kristen, another medical podcast you might enjoy (mainly about infectious diseases, by two best friends who are epidemiologists) is This Podcast Will Kill You.
Last year's birthday freebies: Dunkin (free coffee,) Red Lobster (free appetizer,) Cold Stone creamery(small sundae,) Bath and Body (full size bath product), Yankee Candle(small jar candle,) and Arby's gave me a free sandwich and I somehow got free fries. I also sign up for rewards clubs to get the birthday savings. I am signed up with Ulta and Buffalo wild Wings but did not get the birthday gift last year. I also encourage people to use local rewards to get gifts too. I got 4-5 other gifts from local stores and restruants. I started doing this a few years back when money was really tight.
@Amy, I forgot Krispy Kreme gave me a dozen regular donuts.
@Amy, Nice! I did not know Bath & Body Works gives out birthday freebies. I will need to check out my account with them and make sure they have my birthday info.
What child do you think is most like you?
I would guess Lisey.
A thousand percent yes. She's not a carbon copy of me, for sure, but she is the most like me out of my crew of kids. The drive and the self-sufficiency and the work ethic are very similar to me. Also, the willingness to tackle things that are typically the male domain, although she's taken this further than me! 🙂
A podcast that I really enjoy is This is Love. Episodes are not super long. I find it soothing, uplifting and just a really nice listen. Talks about love in many, many forms so not a romance podcast. Maybe you would enjoy it too!
I have a son who came to me after his all-good-grades freshman year at the University of Wisconsin and said "I'm moving to California, you can't stop me." He drove his ancient Honda Civic, so I did help by having my mechanic prepare his car for the trek. I was a very poor single mother still in divorce proceedings, so my heart was broken but I kissed him and said goodbye. He got a job right away and an apartment, and enrolled at the local (free) community college. Two things came up that first year, and Mom cried twice: (1) I didn't have airfare money to bring him home at Christmas. When I called, his house phone was disconnected! One of the three boys he'd traveled with had run up a huge phone bill calling his girlfriend back in Wisconsin, and the phone company had disconnected the phone. (Yay cell phones!) And (2) his wisdom teeth came in and needed to be removed. I found a sympathetic dentist who took good care of him, and even gave him a couple cans of chicken noodle soup so he wouldn't be stuck at home with nothing to eat. Honestly, I think we both benefited from the experience, and it was such a joy when I finally could fly out to see him.
@Jean, I was so embarrassed back in the mid 80s when my phone was disconnected. Back then, anyone calling got a little chirpy recording saying the phone had been disconnected. One of my college professors told me, "Well, I tried calliing you, but you know...." Sigh.
Awww, I love this story.
Kristen's put in a lot of time raising children, and she's not done yet! But just like Lisey, she's heading into a new adventure in her own life as she pursues her nursing career (among other things). She's going to be plenty busy!
I left home at 17 to put myself through college (including a year abroad) and then professional school and then off to the big city to build my career, and since I was the youngest and last child, I think my mother and father were quite happy to have their lives to themselves for the first time in some 27 years. And I was quite happy they had equipped me to leave and start my life on my own. Win-win! That's what good parenting is all about.
I can address a few things here:
I signed up for birthday freebies with companies I already regularly use, so joining the rewards program didn't bother my privacy concerns that much. BUT - since my birthday is Feb. 29, I never get any freebies. And there you have my experience with birthday sign ups.
My dad served in the Pacific in WWII, and had an opportunity to live in Hawaii, when his active duty was over. He and my mother were married but of course he hadn't seen her or his large family in quite some time, so they decided not to take the opportunity. Did they regret it? Yes. But were they at the same time glad to live where both their families lived? Yes. Of course, they were both several years older than Lisey at that time, since my dad was 26 when he joined the service, and they were hoping to start a family, so that affected their decision. I am happy Lisey is going for it.
Now, menopause. Hoo boy. Yeah, it should be something adult women are educated on routinely. First off, perimenopause can start a lot earlier than you think. And hot flashes are not guaranteed nor are they the thing that bothers some of us the most, even though they get the most publicity. Brain fog, weight gain, sleep difficulties, skin/hair changes, bone thinning, higher cholesterol and mood changes can have a much greater influence on our quality of life. I do know a couple of women who went through the change with no symptoms at all except for cessation of menses. But I also know a number of women who had some difficult changes to get through. I think a gynecologist or physician would do well to provide solid information on menopause to every woman when she reaches 30, because perimenopause can start as early as the mid-thirties.
@JD,
You'll get them if you change your birthday! I only give my birthday month. (I chose the 1st rather then the actual day) The actual day is none of their business and they don't care. It's to get you in the store to buy more.
@JD,
I have a birthday that is during back to school season and I work at a school. I don't have time to collect rewards so I enter in my half birthday and get unexpected surprises when I am not quite so busy.
@LeAnn, Smart!
@JD, I literally checked off all your symptoms of perimenopause:
Hot flashes - check
brain fog - check
weight gain - check
sleep difficulties - check
skin/hair changes - check
Bone thinning - (I'm assuming check)
higher cholesterol - check
mood changes - check
At least I'm meeting expectations in one area of my life - ha ha sob sob
Enjoyed an update about Lisey. It is inspiring to me to see that children become their own people and all we can do is teach them the best we can, support them but also let them fly. My kids are still small (5 and 3) but I started traveling with them when my first at 18 months old (went to Russia, my country of origin). You must be so proud of Lisey, well done!
Ds graduated college in May of 21, came home and because he knew grad school was a requirement, started gig jobs like Doordash, Instacart, etc... He liked the freedom and the money. One of his roommates from college lived in Tampa and he drove down to see him at Christmas. Came home and said, I'm moving down there and crashing on his couch. I was thrilled - when else can you do this but when you're young? Dh was terrified, but he would be if he moved 100 miles away. In the course of a year, he got a great job in a field that he is passionate about, found an apartment in a complex that has resort style amenities, got promoted at his job and even though it's just texts mostly, I can tell he's happy. Gone is the anxiety of life and the depression from living at home and fear of going into a field you thought you wanted to be in.
I'm so thrilled for Lisey for finding this opportunity and being brave enough to take it. I'm even more proud of you because I know what it takes to let go and mine is just a long, LONG car ride away!!:)
I really love your approach with Lisey (and hers!) & wish I'd made more mistakes in my early 20s. The risks are low, and you learn so much from the experiences.
I think it's awesome you have an excuse for regular trips to Hawaii, and I look forward to the frugal tips on Hawaiian trips.
Not being a parent myself, I can't contribute much to the discussion of Lisey's Hawaii move, except that I think Kristen and Lisey both rock!
But I'd be happy to join in a discussion of perimenopause/menopause, if any other older ladies want to have one and the young'uns aren't too freaked out. I have a few anecdotes, both negative and positive.
@A. Marie, Attitudes are changing about women's reproductive health. Back in the day, periods were a big embarrassing deal that had to be hidden from the menfolk (OK, all 5th grade girls, into this classroom for your Special Talk, no boys!), and this carried over into menopause. Young'uns are much more relaxed about it than we oldsters.
@Rose, I wasn't thinking as much about the embarrassment factor as about a possible ageism factor ("oh, jeez, old-lady stuff"). But perhaps I'm underestimating our younger commenters.
@A. Marie,
As a young commenter, (21), I do not mind hearing about these issues at all. It may have to do with my personality, (INTJ), but I figure the more you know now, the better! Thanks!
That's how I feel, even at the age of 45. Better to go into this prepared!
@st, Oh wow, you're only 21? Cool! I'm an INTJ too, which is unusual for females.
The other thing is I think it's good for women to share real life experiences. It's more compelling than reading a list of possible symptoms on a website. As I said before, for me (and my sister) reproduction was easy. She got pregnant on her first try at age 41, by the way. (She married much later than I did.)
@A. Marie, if it's true that perimenopause onset could be as early as mid-30s and as late as late 40s and last 10 years ... that's a huge swath of the readers! Plus there's also everyone who's older and done with it. I think it would be neat to discuss. Because if we don't talk about it, who will? And it seems that very few people have the same type of experience. Communication is power.
It’s an exciting time for Lisey and can hardly wait to get some “news reports.” I remember my dad when he left me at airport to go to Saudi Arabia for a nursing job, got a little choked up but he and my mom never said a negative about this
“adventure” in my nursing career. (salary was US tax-free!)My siblings said it was the middle child syndrome!! We had only telephone contact and snail mail back in those “olden” days. (those letters have been great for the memories of those years) The company that ran the hospital was an American company. The employees were from many countries (had to speak English) and it was great fun to make friends and see life from “different” people’s experiences. It was a good jumping-off place to travel to Africa and down under.( It led to my working after 2 years there to a nsg job in Istanbul for 8 years) I still have contact with friends made there those many years ago.
What an exciting time for Lisey! She will have so many adventures.
I got on a train and moved 3000 miles away 2 weeks after graduating high school. I was still 17 and I made $187 a week at my first job living in an expensive city (Boston). I made it work because I had lots of roommates and no debt. Eventually I found my way back to the west coast because I missed being close to family but I would not trade those years for anything. I remember being kind of amazed that I was supporting myself and I was dazzled by living in a big city for the first. I learned so much about myself and got my feet under me as an adult. I have a picture of my parents seeing me off at the train station. You never saw 2 happier people. They gave me luggage as a high school graduation present. Of course everyone joked it was because they couldn't wait to get rid of me, but really it was because they supported my decision and were happy to see me spread my wings and go off on an adventure. They had confidence that I would be OK and so I had confidence too.
I love your attitude about Lisey’s move. I so needed to read that in relation to my own kids. I have a feeling you are going to have an even happier ending than Elinor’s, due to the wonderful way you live your life. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for answering my question. I'm happy for Lisey and her new adventure! I really was inquiring from the financial perspective (this is a frugal blog after all). My oldest son makes good money in the Financial world (and is a frugal soul) but he finds Miami to be too expensive. So he is moving back to North Florida at the end of his lease. I wish her all the best. If she has time, it could be fun to here about Lisey's frugal wins, Hawaiian-style!
Yes, maybe I can do an interview with her once she gets settled. 🙂
And yeah, from a financial perspective, I think she's gonna be fine. But time will tell!
@Kristen, I bet that we would all love that. We’re nearly as invested in Lisey's adventures as you are 🙂 and we’re just as confident in her abilities.
@Kristen, I probably missed the memo, but which language are you learning on Duolingo (and why?)
You’ve raised Lisey to be a strong, independent woman. You are so right, she will be fine ☺️
It’s all data, good and bad- I love that!!
You are such a good Mom!
Aww, thank you!
Go Lisey!
I have kids roughly in your kids age bracket 18-23. They all left the state for college. 2 are graduating this month with Masters/Bachelors. One is opting to stay in city where she went to college (9+ hours from home), and the other will come home to job hunt with a plan to go wherever the job takes him. I would love them to be nearby and am mourning no more 3-4 week visits at the holidays, but I am excited for their next adventures. They have demonstrated their adulting skills well over the last 4-6 years, and we’re always just a phone call away!
Dutch Bros is a fun place for birthday rewards! They're not in every state, they offer a birthday AND a half-birthday freebie. The idea of a half-birthday is kind of silly but I'll take it. 🙂 Kristen, this post was SO fun! I love these peeks into your life and I always feel encouraged and motivated to live responsibly and with kindness.
Hi! your attitude towards Liseys move to Hawaii reminds me of this wonderful quote Brene brown introduced me too. It’s too much to type but it’s by Theodore Roosevelt and it is about daring greatly. It’s not the critic who counts, it’s the person in the arena taking chancing and living life. It’s about DARING GrEATLY. It’s actually on my kitchen chalkboard now for my high school to (hopefully) read. It’s what Brene Browns book DAring Greatly is based off of. I highly recommend it, or most anything she has written. She is wonderful, challenging straightforward, real, and kind!
A note on birthday freebies - I don't play the game personally, but my friend that does puts down different months for restaurant programs, so she gets a couple free meals every month instead of a glut all at once. So if you are into that, it's a thing you can do!
I think Hawaii is an awesome opportunity! With the cost of living so high, the pay is also much higher. With her sense of frugality and her wonderful independence, she will get to experience so many fantastic memory-making situations! Good on her and good you mom! Congrats!
For those in the Great Lakes region, Meijer offers a 5% off mPerk during your birthday month.
The McDonald's app also gives a birthday freebie.
Thanks for sharing on the variety of topics today!
I have a friend native to Hawaii and it surprised me they don’t like the beach. I would get claustrophobic living on an island. And then there’s the mold.
My uncle was a mechanic for commercial aircraft. After he retired he worked on the planes and helicopters that fight fires. He was always getting opportunities for free flights. I don’t know if that is a normal perk.
Kristen, THANK YOU for answering all the questions!
Obviously, we love you and always want to learn more about your ups, downs, growth, change—essentially the vicissitudes of your life.
It is your calmness, honesty (even when you say "nope, not that topic"), authenticity, wisdom, humor, innovative ways of being frugal, gratitude, and clarity of communication that bring us back each day, eager to connect with you and one another.
Blessings to you and yours,
Jana AKA Central Calif. Artist
@Central Calif. Artist, what you said!!
Aww, thank you, Jana! You are so sweet, and I'm delighted that you feel this way.
@Central Calif. Artist,
Ditto!
@Central Calif. Artist, Yes, this!
Jersey Mikes will give you a full sub for your birthday!! And Mission BBQ gives a free sandwich of your choice!!
Hey! I moved to Hawaii when I finished college, too! Let me know if you have any questions--feel free to email me. I've lived on Oahu for 20 years but I'm from the east coast of the mainland originally. (I did a "meet a reader" several months ago.) 🙂
--Alex
I am truly sorry that you’ve had to "deal with pain quietly so many times." Seeing how you are dealing with this part, where you are slowly but surely coming out of that era is massive role model material. Without bitterness, looking forward instead of wallowing in sorrow, it’s a testament to your Elinor-ness.
Your posts could easily be full of complaints and no one would blame you. Instead, your words are uplifting many of us, and this blog is a happiness place for people in lots of different places, who look to you for your cheerful, practical discussions.
Good for you, and for Lisey! Trust is an essential part of a healthy relationship. I am so grateful that my parents trusted me at 18 to leave home and country for college. My life has been transformed and I am a much stronger adult for having had their trust, and the confidence that comes from owning your own decisions.
I love your statement about Lisey being entitled to a full human experience. You seem to have a very good relationship and I imagine you would love to have her close enough to see regularly. But it is so great that she feels like she has the tools, support, and freedom to make this leap. What a great opportunity for her - she will experience and learn a lot no matter how this ends up.
With that being said, I am an older mom to a 9-month old baby girl who will be our only child. My husband and I joke that we are on track to retire somewhat early and will then be free to move wherever she does!
I've lived in Hawaii (Oahu) for a bit over a year now and yes, it's expensive, but not even mentioning the beaches, the hiking is incredible. My spouse surfs, and I run and play a lot of pickleball. We spend as much time outdoors as possible. I hope Lisey has a wonderful time once she gets settled, there's a lot of fun things for young people to do. Also, thank you for your insight into parenting adult children, I enjoyed reading.
Congratulations to Lisey and a great attitude from Mom.
This post resonated with me as my daughter has just accepted a nursing position in Australia ( 3 1/2 flight away). I’m delighted for her . Generally a lot of New Zealanders go overseas for a couple of years - it’s called doing your O.E. -Overseas Experience - and is very common in a country which is small and far away from Europe and the Americas. So this year one daughter is off for a two month holiday to Europe and the middle son is planning to go overseas indefinitely. My only concern is that they meet a partner and stay!!! One of my reasons to be frugal is to have travel funds to visit family.
Hi - life long resident of Oahu here. My husband has had a couple of young people come stay with us to work for his company, and here are a couple of thoughts. The first one who stayed with us had a girlfriend back home, so he spent a lot of time on the phone with her and did not go out much. He then moved back pretty quickly and probably didn't enjoy himself as much or take advantage of being in a new place (even if it was for a short while). The second one was on the island for about a year. It was tougher for him moving out on his own - affording rent, a used car, and life expenses. He also got a girlfriend, which probably cost him more too! He did venture out more with coworkers, and he had family visit, but he did get homesick too. Eventually, he moved back home with the girlfriend he met here. She'll miss home (family, food, weather), but if your daughter can embrace the differences and try new things, it can be a great experience of learning new cultures. Hopefully she can find some friends that will explore the island (or other islands) with her so there's no time to get too homesick! Best wishes!
I think you are absolutely right that this is the best time for Lisey to move to a new place and try new things! I left my family in Houston to attend university in Montreal (because I'm Canadian, but Montreal was a new city to me then) and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I loved being far from home and being independent and experiencing new things. I'm trying to convince my kids to apply to Canadian universities, too, so that they can have the same kind of experience, but my son wants to stay closer to home in Texas.
As for birthday freebies, I've gotten a free burger from Red Robin, 5% off an entire purchase at Target, $5 from DSW, $5 from Kohl's, free drink from Starbucks, $3(?) Extra Care Bucks from CVS, free dessert from Chick-fil-A, free entree from Spring Creek BBQ and I think a free drink from a local boba tea place.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Lisey's growth, career path and determination (she gets that from her Mama). As a woman who has dabbled in trades, I just think its extra awesome that she's rocking airplane mechanics. What a wonderful adventure she's embarking on and you, Kristen, continue to be such a great role model for your kids. I so appreciate you sharing your life with us.
One of your many cyber cheerleaders,
Melissa
I applaud your parenting style of encouraging your children to follow their dreams and trusting them with their own lives. And Hawaii has been a wonderful place for my oldest daughter to finish growing up: she moved there 5 years ago and has built a good life for herself - she lives on Maui and loves the people and the slow pace of life. She has had to work hard to make a living but she loves the outdoor lifestyle. I am curious which island your daughter's new home will be?
Every birthday I go to Denny's and get the free Grand Slam breakfast. (You have to buy your own coffee, though.) My birthday a couple of years ago happened to occur during that bad Winter Storm Uri that blacked out most of Texas, and I was extremely bummed out that I couldn't go to Denny's that birthday. I couldn't go to the end of my driveway! Never mind the fact I didn't have any electrical power, and they were probably closed; both Denny's locations are along the interstate highway and it was closed, too. Happily, I've been able to resume my customary freebie birthday meal since then. Also, I used to also get a free car wash at an automatic car wash, but the place that used to offer it has gone out of business.
How exciting for Lisey! I’ve wanted to live to Hawaii since I was 16, finally moved last year, only 30 years later lol
We heard/hear a lot of negative comments about the cost of living here but we moved from Seattle and it’s pretty comparable! Farmers markets, Costco/Sams and Target/Walmart make grocery/toiletry/household shopping not too crazy expensive!
There’s so much to do that is free! You can go to the beach and hiking year round!
Our young adult son didn’t move with us and it can be crazy hard to be away sometimes but yes, the goal of raising kids is to raise them to be independent! I love your attitude about her Moving! And hopefully you can visit in the winter to have a break from cold weather!
Everything I am thinking has already been written by the earlier commenters except -- I love the Smart Money Happy Hour podcast. It is done by two millenials and they help me understand my children better. Plus it's fun.
Lisey is very independent and confident. She went into an industry that is not female oriented. I hope she does well in Hawaii. It's an opportunity for her, even if she decides she needs to come back to the mainland somewhere. My best wishes for her.
This line hit me "I have had so many times in life where I have been quietly dealing with pain that I couldn’t share with others" Many people, I find, are too open and say too much on facebook. There are things that we need to keep to ourselves, even if we would like to have someone to talk to about them.
She IS so brave to do this! And I am so proud.
I was somewhat hesitant to come in here with a lengthy post, but hopefully this will add value to the discussion. I thought I'd first mention that I happen to be Kristen's cousin. I've never met Lisey but she sounds like someone I'd enjoy talking to. More importantly, I lived on the island of Oahu from 2000 to 2018. My wife Tessa was born and raised there, and she was the reason for my moving there. I had expected that we would likely live out the rest of our lives there.
It was Tessa who first expressed a desire to leave, and the reasons were mostly financial. We had a decent townhouse in a nice area, and God had blessed us in many ways. Nevertheless, it was dispiriting knowing we would never be able to afford a "nice" house anywhere close to Honolulu (more on that later). By that I simply mean the kind of house most people live in - no shared walls with neighbors, a yard, a garage, and no maintenance fees. The maintenance fee *alone* for our townhouse complex was close to $700 per month the year we left, and had gone up $30-50 every year. Admittedly, that did give us access to tennis courts (which we never used), a pool (we did use that once in a while), and all the hot water we could ever use. Tessa loves long showers - but it's hard to argue we got our money's worth. Housing is the worst offender, but everyday items like gasoline and groceries are much more expensive too. Electricity costs around 45¢/kWH (compared to 15¢ for most places on the mainland)
Before anyone tries to argue that wages are correspondingly high to compensate - that is flat-out wrong. If anything, wages are depressed in Hawaii compared to what you could earn elsewhere. I had a job that I absolutely loved, but after moving to Oregon I started a new job earning 50% more, in the same field. That is not an exaggeration.
Beyond living expenses, there are some other considerations too. Above, I used the phrase "close to Honolulu". That's important because my workplace was in Honolulu, and indeed, the vast majority of Oahu residents work in Honolulu. Towns like Kaneohe, Waipahu, and even Kapolei are basically bedroom communities. And what you rarely hear is that a 60-90 minute commute is considered normal. My own commute was right about at the 60 minute mark. The newer, nicer houses are mostly in communities far to the west of Honolulu, where it would take even longer to get to and from work. But as I used to say to Tessa, "what's the point of having a nice house if you're never there except to sleep?"
While some may disagree with me, I didn't like the lack of variation in the weather. Sure, warm temperatures are nice, but 9 months out of the year being sticky and sweaty gets to be a drag. And then there are cockroaches. I grew up thinking that the presence of cockroaches in your house is a sign of slovenly living. Not in Hawaii. It doesn't matter if you live in a shack or in the governor's mansion. Cockroaches WILL get in. And they are huge. Squishing them leaves a really gross mess. The best way to deal with them is to get some sticky traps. Geckoes are another thing. I happen to think they're really cute and endearing, and they're even considered a sign of good luck in many Asian cultures. However, you'll be constantly cleaning up their poop.
Lastly on the negative side, it's a really isolated place. You'll run out of road trip options pretty quickly. Getting anywhere else beside the neighbor islands takes a 5-hour plane ride (or more). That makes travel to the east coast time and cost-prohibitive enough that you won't do it often enough. I felt like I missed a lot of family events like weddings and funerals. Nobody has ever held it against me (at least that they said so) but it's something I regret.
Now, I don't want to leave the impression that Hawaii is a wretched place. There's a lot to like about it. For one, the people really are as warm and friendly as everyone says. I felt immediately accepted when I arrived there, and many great relationships. The intersection of Polynesian, Asian, and Western cultures has created something really unique and special. I would counsel Lisey to embrace that wholeheartedly.
Despite my complaint about the weather, it was really nice to be able to go everywhere except work and church wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and slippers. ("Slippers" in Hawaii are what anyone else would call flip-flops. They are ubiquitous. The drug stores have entire racks of them for sale.)
Lastly, it's just a visually beautiful place. The ocean is a lovely shade of blue (many shades actually) and the mountains are a lush green. There's a lot of great hiking if you're into that. And of course I have to mention the beaches. Kailua Beach Park was our favorite.
After saying all of that, I think this is a great opportunity for Lisey with great potential for personal enrichment. But like anything in life, it's good to proceed with level expectations.
Hey, hey cousin! Thanks for your comment. 🙂 A lot of the reasons you disliked Hawaii are some of the same reason I don't think I'd like living there!
But Lisey really does adore hot weather and she doesn't mind humidity like I do. And like you said, it's a great opportunity; if she eventually decides she wants to switch it up and live somewhere else like you, she always can do that!
My daughter graduated from the university with a masters in physical therapy and headed to Hawaii after landing a well paying job in Hawaii. She rented a small studio apartment with utilities included in Maui and after work each day she took surfing lessons. Her only expenses were food , gas and rent. After learning how to surf she spent her time at different beaches having free fun. We visited her the following summer and spent two weeks in her studio so we didn’t need hotels just food -! The experience was absolutely invaluable for her! She came home after two years but had the best time in Hawaii. Lisey is going to Love it! Best sushi and shrimp tacos in the world!!!
Hi! Just recently found your blog and FB group. I’m from Hawaii and I think she will love it. I moved away almost 6 years ago but our families are all still there, we miss it so much. As long as she respects the culture and history of Hawaii and takes care of the land she will be fine. I hope she enjoys every minute it. It is very expensive though!