Q&A | Do I regret my life path? Would I choose it again?
A letter from a reader:
Maybe this is too personal of a topic for you to address in your blog but I’m curious about your thoughts on what is preferable:
- Having a family before receiving an education/degree as you did
- Focusing on education/degree prior to embarking on marriage/family
After reading recently about your juggling efforts to meet family needs such as meals with studying for A & P, I’m curious if you would make the same choices again, or would you prefer to go the traditional route? Also, would you be happy to see your children follow the same sequence you did, or would you prefer that they take the standard path?
I think it’s safe to say that it is wonderful to see the focus on yourself including education & career after so many years of caring for your family.
Thank you.
-R.E.
As with a lot of things in life, I can see upsides to both of the life paths in your question!
Going through nursing school as a single person with no kids would definitely have some advantages; it would be much easier to just focus on school and almost nothing else. And I would imagine that since younger brains are better at memorizing things, some of this work would be easier if you took it on right out of high school.
However, I can also see a whole lot of upsides for me personally with the path that I took through life.
(For those not super familiar with my path, a quick rundown: I did one year of college post-high school, then got married, had kids, homeschooled them, worked part-time as a piano teacher, then as a blogger, until now. My youngest is a high school junior and I am doing prerequisites right now, with the plan to start the R.N. program when she finishes high school.)
I'm glad I had kids when I was very young because I do not do pregnancy well
27-year-old me with Sonia and Zoe
I had hyperemesis with all of my pregnancies, and even though I had all my kids between the ages of 21 and 27, I was still exhausted by the hyperemesis. I can't imagine trying to navigate sickness-filled pregnancies as an older mom.
Also, the physical work of caring for babies and young children is a lot! I'm glad I was young and fresh during that phase of parenting. 🙂
I'd have chosen a different career if I'd finished college as a young person
(This is probably the biggest reason I'm glad I waited to get my degree!)
I was pursuing a career as a nutritionist when I was young, so if I'd finished school then, I'd have ended up with a degree that doesn't match with what I want to do right now.
I appreciate that I can evaluate what I want right now, at exactly the time I'm going to enter the workforce. I get to choose what Kristen-in-her-40s wants to do, not what 18-year-old-Kristen wanted to do.
It is quite possible that even if I'd finished college as a young person, I still would be going back to school to get a nursing degree now!
I'm glad I was able to do flexible work during the years of raising our kids
Even if I'd finished my nutritionist degree before kids, the jobs I was looking at would not have paid enough to make it worth putting multiple children in daycare. So, I would have been out of the workforce for a number of years anyway.
It was much better for me to be able to earn money as a piano teacher and a blogger during the years my kids were young; those two jobs meshed with motherhood and homeschooling much better than my nutritionist degree would have.
If I had had no income-earning abilities during the years of raising my kids, I might have felt regret about not having gotten a degree first.
But I was able to faithfully contribute to our family's finances even without a degree, and that is a blessing.
I appreciate school more now than I did in the past
I think most people grow in appreciation for learning as they age; that's definitely been true for me! I am not looking at school as a box to check; I want to know the things I am studying.
I really am choosing to go to college, so I have a better attitude about it
I could go through the rest of my life without getting a college degree if I wanted to. I could keep blogging, I could teach piano lessons, or I could stop working altogether and just volunteer since Mr. FG's salary would totally be enough for us to live on, particularly as empty-nesters.
I am doing this school because I want to, not because I have to, and that makes a world of difference in my attitude.
My kids are excited about me going to school
I think this is really the perfect time for me to go. If I'd tried to do this when they were younger, the juggling would have been a lot harder, and they might have felt a little neglected.
But since they are all older and more independent, they are of an age where they can cheer me on. They were all very supportive of the idea of me going back to school...."You can do this, Mom!"
Heck, Sonia and Zoe both actually helped me with my studying last week by reviewing my flashcards with me!
There are some age advantages when it comes to learning
I know myself better, so I know how to study.
I have lots of life experiences to tie my learning to.
And I have a fully-developed pre-frontal cortex, which means I can make more sensible time-management decisions than my younger classmates. 😉
I think my age will be of some advantage when I start nursing
I'm sure I would have been a competent worker if I'd become a nurse in my 20s. But I can also see how my more advanced age will help me too.
For instance, I think I am better at speaking up now than I was back then. And my empathy and compassion muscles are better now than they used to be, largely because I think I am a little more humble and a little less self-righteous now than I was then.
I am much more able to see things in shades of gray now, vs. the black-and-white way I saw the world when I was younger. I used to think the answers to everything were so clear (my way is the right way; everyone else's in the wrong way!), and I think that might have gotten in the way of good nursing sometimes.
And if I end up working in pediatrics, labor and delivery, or the NICU, my years of mothering will be helpful.
What path do I want my kids to take?
I want them to take whatever path is the best fit for them! My experience is my experience, and since my children are not carbon copies of me, the life path I took is not necessarily the right life path for them.
Trade school, college, apprenticeship, entrepreneurship, early marriage, late marriage, no marriage at all...I don't have particular expectations for what their paths to adulthood will look like.
I just hope that they will each be able to find a career path that uses their gifts and skills and that allows them to make a positive difference in the world.
In a nutshell, my kids' paths don't have to be the same as mine!
I think I answered the question pretty thoroughly, but if R.E. or anyone else has more questions after reading this post, leave 'em in the comments and I'll answer there!
P.S. I definitely am very happy that I did two really full semesters of Gen. Ed. college classes straight out of high school. Those credits knocked out tons of my nursing school prerequisites, so now the only prerequisites left are the very pertinent medical-oriented ones.
P.P.S. I want to add that I realize my situation is full of privileges that not everyone has; for instance, my friend Mia is working full time and going through nursing school as a single mom of a middle-schooler and high-schooler, and I am exhausted just thinking about that! I am very blessed to have the options that I do at this point in my life.
Wow, Kristen, that's quite a post today. In my time zone it is 10 am now and I am just back from walking the dog.
With this post you gave me a lot to think about....I might come up with resumes/answers/thoughts later in the day.
For now I want to tell you, that I agree a 100 % about what you say about your expectations regarding the life path of your children. It mirrors EXACTLY my attitude. In fact I always use literally the same words (but in German) about the not-carbon-print when the topic comes up with my crowd.
Now off to my to-do-list for today - probably most of the time thinking about your post.
Thank you for this and may you have a nice day!
The first thing that came to my mind, was that your life's experience is such a bonus to your chosen career path.
Would I myself have made the same (career and otherwise) choices I did, looking back? Possibly not all. But then think of all the new mistakes I would have had to make along the way.
Interesting perspectives. My take on this:
I lost hearing in one ear from the mumps when I was seven. From then on there were so many things I was told I could not do. There was no help with my education. At my first high school the headmaster openly thought educating girls was a complete waste of time. I moved to another school for my last two years. I became very sick with asthma and pneumonia and missed much of my last year of school. My father said I would have husband to support me and refused to allow me to follow my dream career. So I was advised to be a teacher. I became a special education teacher because I was not allowed to teach the general population. I hated teaching. Everyone told me that I could then. go on and do the qualification I really wanted. Um that just did not happen no matter how I tried to enter into an occupational therapy course. So in the end I applied for training to be a registered nurse 46 times. You had to pass a physical. I couldn't even get a job at MacDonalds. Finally the discrimination laws were changed. Hence I was finally given the chance to train. I had trained in the older system where I would go to blocks of classes and then do blocks of work in the hospital where I was training. I had two children while I trained. The was fun: many, many night shifts, a husband who became more and more controlling and little ones at home. But I really felt that I had to have mine when I did because I was older and I had horrible pregnancies.
Now my "employment" is to be my mother's full time carer. I won't have much to retire on but I cannot work physically. I have arthritis and a few other things now.
I guess I can say I certainly worked far more efficiently when I was a student nurse. I didn't have the time to do otherwise. I love learning. I would love to do more and Have tried a few years ago. My mother wants my attention almost 24/7. I started to record interruptions. Once I recorded ten interruptions in less than fifteen minutes. I soon had to admit defeat.
This is not to be a pity party but inform how the smallest thing was used to keep people out of jobs. I wasn't alone in this. My father had polio as a child and he faced much opposition too. But dad really felt my job was to be home with children and be a housewife.
@Suzan, your story struck a nerve. My daughter (7) is deaf in one ear due to a chlosteatoma destroying her hearing bones. I cannot imagine her growing up and being told she's unable to hold a job because one ear isn't functioning. I cannot fathom the expection that she would be unable to teach anyone but children with special needs. I am so sorry this has been your experience. It makes me thankful for progress towards inclusion we have seen. Many blessings to you as you care for your mom.
@Suzan, I am so sorry for what you and so many others endured because of bias, discrimination, and unjust laws and practices. In the USA a large % of homeless and under-employed are in poverty because of denied opportunities due to discrimination. My sincere hope is for the political (globally) will to change this.
@Suzan,
It is not a pity party to honestly share your experience. I am more than sorry that the world in general and in particular did not support you with needed resources. Unfortunately, and it doesn't help you, this has happened to many with various physical and mental challenges. Life sucks at times and simply put, is decidedly unfair. Anyone with a heart will know that some of us simply luck out in terms of support and opportunities.
That said, I don't think you give yourself credit for what you have been able to do. You are a mother. You raised/are raising children that you made a conscious choice and commitment to do. As hard as it was.
You did your best as you could (which is all you can do at any time) given your circumstances. That is the sign of someone who is a true achiever. It hurts to not reach a goal, especially when others are eager to stop you and have the power to do so. (I've been there in my own life with a bit of that career wise and it shifted EVERYTHING that happened afterwards.)
I know you feel defeated in your attempts and that hurts, for so many reasons in general and in particular. But your life has meaning and continues to show that you are NOT the sum of your circumstances.
Caring for another as you are for your mother, is and can be very very tough on caregivers. Our society still does little to really provide needed support and resources and continues to devalue that effort.
I hope you have been able to check local resources. In some cases, caregivers can be paid (via Medicaid CDPAP and other ways) to look after another. At least here in NY where I live. If you haven't the time, I hope a friend can help you get some information.
To show up and care for your mother, well, she's very lucky and I hope she knows so. To commit to that path even as it eliminates other options, PLEASE, if nothing else give yourself credit for it, even if you feel conflicted.
And please, please, ask others for help even if some say no or just don't answer. Somewhere there is someone who might help if only in small ways at various times.
To accept the limitations that genuinely exist in life requires a degree of emotional maturity that few possess. It seems you do. But please, don't let circumstances make you feel defeated. That's a word I personally hate to see anyone use because I get totally what you mean (It seems you spent a lifetime trying to overcome obstacles and when you couldn't, well, what else does one feel?) but I also think that you have chosen to remain here on the planet and do your best.
So many folks in your situation have taken their own lives or taken paths of self-abuse via drugs, alcohol, etc. when faced with the steep challenges of life.
You gave it your best shot. And in sharing your challenges, you remind ALL of us, that it is up to each and every one of us to do what we can, any way we can, to help others. Some will lead the change by the roles they hold in local, state and national government. Some will lead in their communities or in their particular family or through a business they own.
We all must fight to ensure that others like Suzann are made to feel that yes, they can get the help they need to live their fullest lives. Having a physical or mental challenge should not be used against anyone but rather just remind us that we are here to help each other. To help others have the best life possible.
@Irena, You have elegantly said what I was thinking. Suzan, you are a champ.
@Suzan,
"Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm"
"My great concern is not whether you failed, but whether you are content with your failure."
"I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. "-Abraham Lincoln
"God did not call me to be successful, but to be faithful"-Mother Teresa
God bless, and remember that while your life might not be successful in the world's eyes (money, fame, careers, jobs, recognition), you have been faithful to the small things, which is all that truly matters.
@Kaitlin, Dearest lady, I hope and pray that your daughter can be given more help. There is so much more available now than there was. I would also look into her physical development. I really was a clumsy child and even thought I got on top of it it is now showing its face as I age. Both my cousin and I are deaf from different reasons and we are a pair of clumsy clods.A few years ago I purchased a hearing aid that sent sound to my good ear. Mum flipped it through the air and I have yet to find the darn thing. I am now allowed to apply for new ones through my health insurance. I must do that nd soon. God bless you and your sweet little one.
@Abbott- Foster Connie, Thank you. It really was my ex husband who destroyed me and all the things I had worked towards. During our divorce he lied outrageously and declared me insane. I am so much better without him.
@Suzan, I'm so sorry that happened to you. My brother has a severe physical disability and has a lot of trouble finding work which makes him depressed. Your story really resonates with me. I hope your life improves xxx
@Irena, I live in Australia and fortunately I do receive a government benefit. It isn't much but I can buy my clothing etc and I purchase most of the food. I have huge medical issues and my doctor is fairly sure that I will not be able too work ever again. We shall see. I have some superannuation which will helpfully help me out later on. It has been amassing for around 38 years.
Thank you.
@Lindsey, thank you.
@Kaitlin, I experienced exactly the same hearing loss as your daughter, and am very grateful for my BAHA implant; I got it 6 years ago and it has been life-changing, it's like experiencing a miracle when I put it on every morning. It may not be an option for her, particularly considering her young age, but I'm happy to connect if you ever have any questions.
Another thought just crossed my mind: I am so thankful and happy that I am a woman!
As a female being raised in the western world in modern times it is/was entirely MY decision if I wanted to have kids or not. Only the right man needed for having and raising them together - well that plan/wish worked out for me.
In my crowd there are quite a few male friends of mine whose partners chose to not having kids and regret this. And I have female friends who are single mothers - some by choice, some because of life happened - but none of them regrets having kids.
And among my friends are quite a few female friends who decided on first pursuit their education/career and at some point later wanted to have kids which did not happen....all of them expressed their disappointment and sorrow about this. They did not take into consideration that life is also about simple and given facts like biology, health, dwindling fertility, age etc
Now that you said that, I remember my obstetricians mentioned several times that I was a perfect age to have babies (from a biological standpoint, which is their specialty!) In your teens, pregnancy is harder, and as you get older, pregnancy is harder.
Of course, biology is only part of the equation when you consider parenthood, but it definitely is an important part.
@Kristen, my youngest had hyperemesis and it was horrible. It cost me a fortune. She couldn't work and vomited to dehydration so many times. The emergency room became a second home. The medicine they used were not allowed for this and it was costing around $150 every third day. She says he wants her second and last child before she is 30 for this reason.
My path was college, teaching in public schools for 5 years, then marriage and children and homeschooling. I was 28 when I had my first child and almost 40 when I had my last one. My experience is that each pregnancy became more and more difficult with age. While experience was helpful with the mental aspect of pregnancy/labor/delivery, age was not helpful on the physical side of things.
With regards to my career of teaching, I have so often thought, "What a better teacher I would have been if I had children first!" I have, however, been thankful for some of my training and education in homeschooling my own children, but some of my education created tunnel vision with regards to thinking outside the box with homeschooling. That part is a toss-up.
I would never regret having my children because I realize that I wanted a family most; the teaching career is what took up the time while waiting for a family. I realize that now; I didn't then. Now I wonder what I will do when I have the time to get a job again (my youngest is just now in kindergarten, so I can't imagine leaving home to work until she's in high school). I am certain, unless I absolutely must in order to support my family, that I would not go back to the classroom.
@Jody S., I also went to college and taught (SpEd) prior to getting married. I love being a mom and wouldn't have it any other way (though I am sad that more children don't seem to be in the cards for us). I too loved my Teacher Education because it helped me be knowledgable to help advocate for my son who has a pretty itensive IEP, and it helped me homeschool my other two. That said, I have absolutely no desire to go back to the classroom when I return to the workforce.
I went to college, then grad school straight out of high school. I built myself a big career and then I had a baby just before my 38th birthday. The experience of becoming a mother now is very different to what I see younger mothers doing: I worry less about my baby, because I’m that much older and am more settled and confident in myself, and we’re in a much better position financially. But that comes at a price - I’m headed back to work full time in a couple of months, having taken less than half my legal entitlement to leave (and read my email pretty much daily throughout) because my job can’t wait…I’m senior enough that there’s only so long it can be left undone (and you can’t really get short term cover) and financially our household is set up to need my income. And I may very well run out of time to have a second baby, because I can’t afford daycare for two and I will be into my 40s before baby #1 starts school. So I find myself in the slightly awkward position of having established a high powered career and had a family (I seem to have it all)…and telling younger women not to do that. If you want babies, have babies now. You have a whole lifetime to find a fulfilling career; the have-a-baby window is much smaller.
@Jules the First, this is such important and in my experience rather uncommon advice.
Kristen, I think nursing is one of the careers where life experience and compassion is SO important! I am very sure it will benefit you!
@Jules the First,
Absolutely! You can study, pursue a career, tour the world on your bicycle etc also when in your 40ies, 50ies, 60ies - but the "baby-window" is pretty much set!
@Jules the First,
My career path is similar to yours. I had two master's degrees before I got married at 36 and had my only child at 37. I still work full time (I only took a few weeks off after my C section). My only is now 20 and in college 2000 miles away. Enjoy your baby/toddler/child. The time flies by so fast.
@Jules the First, I definitely see your point re: the biological aspects of having children first and then building a career. I tried for a decade to have children, starting at 21, and never was able to. I adopted my two children at 25 and love love love being a mom- it's all I ever wanted. But I also recognize the benefit of having an empty nest in my mid-40s with the maturity and skills to pursue my career full time. I have no desire to be the top in my field, so starting later isn't a huge issue, I just want to be the best nurse possible for my patient. I'm excited about the freedom I will have financially and schedule-wise to travel in my 40s and 50s (and take my young adult children on the adventures with me!), which I would not have had I waited to become a mother.
I had to read the question a couple of times before I realized that the asker was using the word "traditional" to describe getting a degree and then having children. Definitely not traditional in the usual sense of that word, since that has been the life path of just the last generation or two.
Anyway.
In that sense of traditional, I was traditional. Mostly because college was just what a person did. Both male and female, although it was seen as a definite kind of rejection of feminism to NOT go to college in my very driven world. That was not a world I fit into, and I was happy to leave it behind eventually. But I did get my undergraduate degree before I "dropped out," so to speak.
I had four kids in my thirties, and that turned out to be what I was really meant to do. Motherhood IS my career and vocation in a way that jobs never were. BUT! I am certainly not one of those people who would have gone back to school just for the challenge and the interest of it after I had my children. So I actually am glad I got my degree first, because it's been useful a couple of times and I wouldn't have it otherwise.
I'm not motivated like Kristen. 🙂
@kristin @ going country, I had exactly the same thought - I thought Kristen's route was the more traditional one! Like you, however, I finished college and had a career before having babies in my 30s. Now, I can't imagine any better job than being a mom and wife.
@kristin @ going country, In the US, much like the rest of the developed world, the tradition is that if you're going to get higher ed, you do it within a year or two of high school, while you're still in your teens. The untraditional part is going back to college after doing something else first.
This is not always true in other parts of the world. For example, in Morocco it's common (although not exclusive) for women to get married and have children starting in their early 20s, then if they continue their education, to do so when their children are in high school or college. (I have this from the horse's mouth: the wife of one of the three regional governors.)
There's a big chunk of privilege implicit in this tradition, particularly in the US where we have fewer supports for college students. I fully sympathize with the community college administrator who scolded Heidi Louise (although not with the scolding itself).
@WilliamB, I don't recall exactly what I said that started the scolding, but I am sure my privilege was showing. Not my most sensitive hour by a long shot.
Kristen, I have absolute confidence that you will be a wonderful, compassionate nurse.
I found it interesting that the question referred to the "traditional route" as being college before family instead of the other way around. I think I'd have to argue that you did go the traditional route! Isn't it interesting how what's considered normal and traditional have changed?
@Lauren, For a different meaning of traditional, I was viciously scolded for calling four-year colleges "traditional", by a woman administrator from a community college. She said that half of U.S. students had college paths that were not at four-year schools, nor right out of high school, nor full time. This was a few years ago, and I suspect the number is higher now.
@Heidi Louise,
Viciously scolded? That seems a bit harsh.
@Jem, Believe me, it was! This was at a higher ed conference.
However, I think she was tired of being the underdog (community college), and I took her observations to heart.
My favorite part of this post is your statement that you want your kids to take whatever path is the best fit for them. That is good parenting to me!
I did the "traditional" path of getting my degree right after high school. I worked a few years and then my husband and I both quit work to go back to get our Master's degrees. At that time we weren't sure we wanted kids. I got pregnant while in grad school and defended my thesis when I was 8 months along. Our second child was born after I started working full time and it was definitely harder to be pregnant as a working mom. But as the primary breadwinner for my family, getting my degrees first, then having children was the right path for us but I did miss out on being home with my kids when they were young.
Our daughter also got her degrees right after high school. She knew from a young age that she wanted to go into the medical field so getting her PhD in physical therapy was the right choice for her. Waiting (somewhat) patiently for grandbabies now.
I like your approach to "marketable part time skills" with multiple kids. However, I wish people were more logical about the calculations of wages vs staying home with kids. I really like this run through the whole-life scenario: https://lauravanderkam.com/2020/11/the-economics-of-leaning-in-and-out/.
Also, I find that as an adult with a mom who stayed home with me (only kid) then worked very casually as a babysitter, that it's harder to relate and get advice from her. Work is currently my main focus. Maybe if I have kids this will change?
I think most people tend to think the way they did it is fine. What annoys me, I guess, is that this is never a question men have to deal with. I also take issue with the "day care would cost too much so I might as well stay home" deal. As if day care is only the wife's problem to deal with.
Me, I went to college, I got good jobs out of college, got married to my college sweetheart at 24, had kids when I was 29 and 31, and kept working throughout. I've always worked even though I've been chronically ill since I was 24. And yeah, by going to a highly selective college, which I paid for myself, and by working my butt off in corporate America, I made enough to pay easily for day care.
I always felt way too insecure to stay at home. My parents had a happy marriage of 53 years, but I always knew: my mother didn't have any resources if they split up. She gave birth to her first child at 19. By working, I knew I could always rely on myself to provide and I felt like an equal partner at home.
I too had a happy marriage, but my husband had a midlife crisis and an affair, and walked out on us. It was terribly shocking to all of us. We were married for 28 years. Now I'm still working, providing for my kids who are taking the scenic routes through college. Neither of them are planning on doing what I would want them to do, but hey, they're under the delusion they know best about their own lives. (Of course I know best, ha.) I absolutely insist on my kids going to college and getting degrees, though. A college degree is the new high school diploma.
Regarding the daycare issue...truth is, neither of us made very much money when our kids were little! Ha. So no matter how you sliced it, it would not have made sense for us to use daycare. Plus, I had the advantage of having a job (teaching piano lessons) that could work around me staying home, since the moms of my students watched our kids in exchange for a very reasonable piano lesson rate.
I totally agree that it is super important for both parents to have breadwinning options. Sometimes, you end up a single parent not at all by choice, as you did, and I am sure it is a comfort, in the midst of a tough situation, to at least be able to provide for yourself.
@Kristen,
My mother and her four sisters prove this and that is one of the reasons actually that I always worked throughout my marriage. One of my aunts remained single, one was widowed, and one divorced a narcist husband. One sister remained homemaker with a husband who had a very good salary. My father suffered from bad health and had a partial benefit and could not work a full job. My parents lived a frugal life and always in the background was the insecurity if legislation on sickness benefits was up for a change. My mother went out and cleaned at others peoples houses to add to the family income. Born in '31, she never had an education after her 14th year and this really stung, as she always had been
a quick learner at school.
Great post! I think I am the opposite of where you are at. I went the traditional route. College first, work, marriage and then kids. I still struggled and do struggle. My job isn't the highest paying or the most rewarding at times. I was fortunate enough to get into a small office eventually and stay in our state system to keep my good retirement. I think you are right. It is all your perspective on life. I wouldn't have been happy having my kids first before going to school and experiencing work. Even though I would be sooooo much better at being a student now then I was then. I am more patient with my children and a have a little more wiggle room in the budget for some fun stuff. Plus, my husband and I have made it through some really hard times, so we are much stronger for it. I don't know that I would have been mature enough at a younger age. Keep up the great work. Love your blog!
On a side note. I just realized the other day that I come here the most for recipes. Over the years, you have posted the best tried and true recipes that I have used. Just thought I would mention that.
Oh, I'm so glad the recipes I've posted have been helpful to you. Yay!
I love this post so much. It's basically you in a nutshell!
This is also what I hope for my own kiddos - that they will figure out their own way, not just do what I did.
The one thing I personally wish I could have changed was to just get to know myself a bit better as a teen. I went to school for mechanical engineering because I'm very good at math, it's a career path that pays well, and I like figuring out how things work. None of that applies to what an engineering job actually looks like.
Knowing what I know about myself now, I think nursing would have been a better fit - the schedule flexibility, the personal interactions, the direct application of science to real life in-person stuff, etc. And I'm physically strong, so working with my body/hands actually helps me.
But I never considered nursing seriously as a career path, because being a female engineer had more "glamor". Even with a mom who is a PhD-prepared nurse (and later nurse practitioner).
Yes, I'm hoping the hands-on will be a good fit for me. I really do not like theoretical sorts of things...I like practical! I am only interested in discussing various ideas or theoretical concepts IF I see that they have some practical bearing on something.
Also, I would not enjoy applying my scientific knowledge in a lab setting; I want to apply it in-person, on people!
@EngineerMom,
IF we are lucky, we learn sooner than later, in our career/work lives what a job/career path entails and whether it works for us.
Such was my case when I switched from what I thought was a demanding job to what turned out to be even more demanding and time-consuming, and challenging one. But I don't regret it and feel lucky. (I also switched back and forth in various paths using similar skills, learning where I felt most at home, by my late fifties.)
Glamor and money are not enough as many of us have learned the hard way. One of the happiest and most fulfilled human beings I know is a man who left a financially healthy career for one that fit him better as the compassionate human being he is. It cost him his marriage (his wife wanted a lot of things and felt he should also to the detriment of his personal happiness) and for some years afterward, he struggled. In the end, he made a lot less money (which brought its own challenges) but he enjoyed every day of his work (until the folks at the top cut his budget so much that he could not do his actual job) for years.
I digress. I don't know your age or what your financial situation is. But you don't have to be a nurse to be able to provide a level of care that is desperately needed in this country. You may have heard that there is a terrible shortage of qualified Home Health Aides and CNA (Certified Nursing assistants), jobs that are so undervalued and misunderstood, that even people who would make fabulous ones don't consider such jobs as they are not only often poorly paid (depending on where you live; who you work for--individual privately or through Medicaid or Medicare; or for an organization providing such help) but often filled primarily by immigrants who are treated badly.
Ironically, in other countries, doing such work is considered to be very important and such folks are actually among the most respected in their society.
More people with a true commitment to helping people (and not filling a job simply because the only other option is working in fast food or as a retail clerk) who have both an education and other life/work experience are desperately needed.
I don't know if you are still working as an engineer, but I would ask you to do some research and see if perhaps something along these lines might be something you'd get more satisfaction from. Forget about glamor and prestige and appearances.
I can tell you, from personal experience, even one good aide can make or break the quality of life for another human being. I'm in a wheelchair due to side effects from cancer treatment. It is permanent and it was life changing as I was totally independent and came/went as I wanted and really loved my life. Now, the only thing that keeps me sane at times and not totally frustrated, is the woman who is my health aide and been with me for the last 7 years. She and I have very different backgrounds and education but I have seen her display huge intelligence and compassion--not to mention commonsense and a "can do" attitude (where some of my highly educated and well paid friends and family have failed terribly) in helping me in my life. I can't afford as much of her time as I need and that creates huge gaps in my life, but I am grateful every minute of every day for the time I have with her.
I personally add to her income in various ways as best I can because to me, she is, even though her salary has gone up due to new regs in our state, underpaid for what she does.
I share only to say that should you consider changing paths, you don't have to be a nurse to change a life for the better.
I was taught and shown by example, that all work has merit. That ALL jobs should be respected when done well and with commitment.
I have never, quite frankly, thought much of many of the high-powered folks I've known personally, worked with and for. Too many are all about themselves and what they have or can buy and the "power" they have over others rather than the responsibility, as employers, to provide a safe workplace and fair compensation and needed resources.
It's not what you have, whether money or a degree, but how you act as a citizen of your community, your society and of the world. How do you treat others? Nothing else really matters when you get down to it. Sufficient money or lots is here to share to help others. And sharing it is often done more frequently by those who know exactly how much is needed by others even when they have little themselves.
I love that Kristen has enjoyed her choices and options and is totally and always appreciative of her good fortune. She has shared that with others as we've seen and will make an excellent nurse because being a good nurse is more about how you deal with and care for people than technical expertise and knowledge (although yes, you do need those, too!)
@EngineerMom, " None of that applies to what an engineering job actually looks like."
This is true for many lines of work. I would have been the world's best management analyst (think McKinley & Co) if the work matched what they interviewed for.
This is such an interesting topic and I love all the different perspectives and ideas I’d never considered in the comments!
I understand why the question asker refers to college then kids as traditional, I feel like going to college right after high school was really hammered into us in my family. That path worked for me, I went away to college at 18, finished in 4 years and then got my masters degree. I saw how it didn’t work for my sisters though, they were pushed on the same path even though they weren’t ready or it wasn’t what they wanted. They both got degrees eventually but after a lot of changing schools/taking breaks/changing majors. It’s really made me think how I’ll approach this with my own kids when they are older, I want to encourage education but also don’t want them to feel coerced into going away to school right at 18 or not exploring other options they are interested in. I think just presenting all the options or being open to discussing and exploring with them, rather than just telling them the one “right” way may be what works.
This is a really interesting discussion. I feel like I made the right choice for myself, but there are many ways to "do life" that fit with each person's plans.
I went to college, got my first "professional" job at 21, and worked. I did an evening/weekends MBA that was really intense, and got pregnant immediately upon graduating. I was 30 when I had my first baby. I was BFing & on the mini pill, but managed to get pregnant again when my oldest was just a few months old, so my kids are 13 months apart. The baby years were SO HARD. We were both working full time, neither of our parents lived nearby, & my husband traveled 40% of the time.
However, now I love this phase. Both of our kids are in high school, I'm 45, I'm at a very senior point in my career, which gives me some flex. And, I have the financial freedom to find another career (or, no career) at this next phase of my life. I think my kids need me to have more freedom to be there at this age, vs when they are younger. I really enjoy being able to take them to practice, and chat with them about their day, and listening to their conversations with friends. For us, having flexibility at the high school years has been pretty priceless.
Oh wow, that is really soon to get pregnant! My shortest gap is 19 months, and that felt pretty quick to me. I can imagine how busy you guys were!
@Kristen, I had two non-walkers, for a very brief period of time. It was nuts! 🙂
This post is probably going to get a lot of comments! It's very thought provoking. Kudos to the asker for such a good question.
I am a baby boomer, so college-then-marriage-and-kids wasn't traditional when I grew up. I have to say, though, that even in the Leave It to Beaver generation, many women worked outside the home, and those female teachers and nurses? They had degrees. My own grandmother and all of my aunts but one, on both sides of the family, worked outside the home, and a few had degrees, one having an advanced degree. My SAHM mother and that one SAHM aunt were the anomalies in my family.
I was encouraged to go to college and was pushed to be a teacher by the teachers in my family. I did start, but dropped out halfway through when I got married, then returned years later after I had kids. My kids said I was an example to them alright - an example telling them to get their college degree before marriage and family! They said hearing the printer running at 2 a.m. as I wearily finished another paper, after getting the family to bed and everything ready for the next day convinced them not to do college with a family to care for.
Having said that, by the time I went back to school I was 1. more focused 2. more invested, since it was OUR money paying for it 3. more certain of my career choice (not teaching!) 4. More dedicated to getting it right the first time, instead of the "just drop that course and start again next semester" thinking. That was all definitely better than when I was 18-19 and starting out.
It's impossible for me to say which would have been better for me - school before family or after? I did both, really, and there are advantages and disadvantages to both methods. What I really wish when we talk of going to school after high school, is that we would encourage more Liseys. We NEED more people in trades, and the schooling takes less time than a bachelor's degree as a rule. I would love to see many of this generation of young women and men taking a couple of years of trade school. They would still be plenty young to start a family after schooling is done, if they wanted.
Maybe you already answered: curious if your area offers free school for adults/continuing Ed? Do you have scholarships, or completely self-pay? Our state offers community school for adults with free tuition, so I think that would be a start for prerequisites.
I got married as a teen, dropped out of high school, had kids, got divorced, got my GED and started college by the time I was in my mid-20s. I can't imagine starting a family when I was in my 30s or 40s.
Compared to my oldest daughter who went to college straight out of high school, graduated college, taught high school and hated it, went back to nursing school, got married while in nursing school, then had a baby a few years after she started working as a BSN. She was in her mid-30s by then and I cannot imagine having a baby in my 30s.
I don't regret any of my past mistakes (regret isn't productive!) and it all worked out in the end. I'm now in my early 50s, with a college degree that helped me work professionally to get to a place where I really like what I do (but has zero relation to my degree!). I am young enough to enjoy my grandkids, have the adult kids on their own, yet still have the time and energy to do what I want.
I have really enjoyed reading through the comments to this post. So many stories. So many perspectives.
I did college, work, marriage, kids, and I hope to go back to work, but not in the field of my degree. I often wonder what I would change about my choices leading to college if I could do it all over again, and I've come to a couple of conclusions:
1) I made the decisions I made with the information I had at the time, and I can't fault myself for that. I studied Special Education because regular education seemed too mundane (as if those were the only two options available). I wish I had known about other options that would allowed me to explore more about what I really wanted. But I didn't. Even though I don't have any desire to go back into the world of Education, I am thankful for what I learned through the process. It equipped me to help my son with extensive special needs and a team of therapists. I can speak their language which helps everyone. I have an advantage knowing what curriculums are suited to our family without trial and error for homeschooling.
2) Part of growing up is learning more about myself, and that's not going to end until the day I die, likely. I am a different person now than I was 20 years ago when I was thinking about college, and I will be a different person 20 years from now when my kids are (hopefully) not living with us full time anymore.
3) Life isn't about making the most money or getting into the career that perfectly suits you as quickly as possible. It's about growing and learning and connecting with people, and that can be done as a homemaker or careerperson.
@Kaitlin, I really resound with all 3 of your conclusions.
Especially the part about making the best decisions we could with the information we had at the time. I think about that often. There may have been points at which I could've made different decisions and ended up with a whole different life! But I'm really glad for where I am right now. And your #3--I want to keep growing and learning my whole life. I really like the way you expressed each of these. Thanks! 🙂
@Kaitlin, "Especially the part about making the best decisions we could with the information we had at the time."
Agreed. I've made mistakes but for me, a mistake is if I didn't properly consider what I knew or should have reasonably known at the time, not whether I made the best decision with hindsight.
@Kaitlin, I LOVE your comment about making the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time! All the discussion of which path to take comes down to making the best of the one you are on. Though things have not always been easy, I would not change the choices I made, despite the pros and cons in retrospect, because I've learned such valuable lessons through those choices.
This is a conversation my sister and I often have. I went to school and got my degree right after high school, married at 36 and had my son at 37. My pregnancy was good but it was hard. I was tired a lot and there were a lot of challenges once he came along including surgeries to repair cleft lip, a hernia, and tubes in his ears - all before 18 months of age.
My sister had her kids just out of high school, married young and then divorced after the kids were older. She is now remarried and working full time after being a stay at home mom while the kids were growing up.
I work full time as does my husband and of course our son is in school now. There are so many differences in the way that she and I began our families and trade-offs and pros and cons for both. The energy level is a very real thing. Being pregnant at 23 and pregnant at 36 is like night and day regardless of whether you have good pregnancies or challenges. And there is definitely a difference in the amount of energy you have taking care of a young child in your 40s vs. your 20s. My husband and I often joke that no one in our age group is in bed at 830 at night. It limits the friends that we have because a lot of people in their early forties don't have young kids...their kids are already in high school. On the other hand we are more settled in our careers and we don't have the financial challenges that my sister struggled with when her kids were young. Going out with friends and socializing isn't as important to us anymore since we place a higher value on family time, church activities and just being home. We are more settled and really enjoy being home and being able to participate in all the fun things that our son is involved in at school & church.
I am not a die hard fan of either option. I think that for some people life takes them in the direction of kids and family at different times and that is ok. I have admiration for both those like Kristen who pursue education after their kids are older and for those that have kids later in life - to me both paths can be daunting.
As for the path I would like my son to pursue - I am of the opinion that it will be his decision. I would love to see him pursue degree but only if it is something that he wants to do. I think that there is a great demand for plumbers and electricians and other skilled trades and I would be happy to see him go after a career that he really loved but that would also support a family one day.
Just my two cents 😉
I kind of wish that I had met my wife about 4-5 years earlier but that would've required us both getting to that point earlier and it just didn't work out.
The problem is when we married and finally ended up having our daughter that we were not spring chickens any more (though hardly old.) We've toyed with the idea of having more as our daughter has been asking for a sibling for years but it basically comes down to biology at this point (that and ya know, needing to have more space for future kid to sleep and stuff.)
On the flip side I was the middle child and clearly not the favorite in the family (even now my sister's kids get way more attention than mine does from my mom) so there was a lot of my life when I wished I was an only child. I guess you can never win.
I dislike my career but it's honestly what I'm good at so I don't worry too much about it.
I also think that it's really just hard to know if you'd like some other path in life, since you haven't gotten to try it! Like, it's possible you'd have preferred being an only child, but you can only theorize, since you can't try it. And vice versa for your daughter!
I figure that maybe it's just best to remember that everything in life has upsides and downsides, and we can all focus on the upsides of whatever path we are on.
I'm kind of a middle child...#2 out of 4, and I definitely have classic middle child tendencies!
@Kristen, that's largely true. I do feel like my daughter when asking for a playmate doesn't really quite realize that there will be a large age difference and there will be quite a few years before they can play together.
As for middle child syndrome ... it's definitely a thing and it's really weird how it manifests. Like I tend to do the most and get the least recognition.
Middle child here too! #2 of 4, and I do the most and get the least. It always bothered me as a child that I was no one's favorite. My father's family adored my older brother because he looked just like my dad. My mother's adored grandmother was her favorite person on earth and my grandfather had my mother as her favorite, while my grandmother had my aunt.
I was (and am) the spiky, mouthy girl, and no one doted on me. It would have been nice if my father's family had noticed that my brother looked like my dad, whereas I had my dad's personality. But they didn't.
Even when I was older, made a lot of money, bought a vacation house, wrote books, edited magazines, won awards, what I mostly got was jealousy and resentment. If I mentioned the books I'd written, my mother, for example, would announce she was "thinking of writing a book" herself. Because that's all it takes, just sitting down and tossing something off.
Hi! Welcome to my resentment! Can I pour you a cup of tea?
Oh, that is interesting...I tend to think of middle children as quiet people who sort of disappear by flying under the radar. That is definitely how I was as a child, and my parents, looking back, often say, "Oh, Kristen was never a problem." Ha.
Obviously, there are downsides to the whole "never be a problem" approach to life, and I think I may struggle my whole life long to get better at speaking up instead of being quiet! But I can also see that there are upsides to being pleasant and easygoing, and I can see why my parents appreciated that aspect of me.
@Kristen, I was the "never a problem" child, a conscious decision on my part after seeing my older brother get into almost every kind of trouble there was, and all it got me was overlooked and undervalued by my parents. My aunts loved me, though.
The first time I read "Raising Your Spirited Child" was when my son was a baby. I basically cried the whole time, not because I recognized him in it (although he is spirited, he was just too little then), but because I recognized myself and everyone's inability and unwillingness to understand me as a child. I finally learned to accept myself as I am, rather than accepting most people's estimation of me as too much: too sensitive too loud too big too opinionated too smart too bookish you name it.
Enough about me for today.
@Rose, Oh man ... never anyone's favorite is about it for me (except for perhaps my great uncle whom I only saw in person maybe 2-3 times but we wrote letters to each other extensively.)
I could tell you all sorts of stories better fit for a therapist. I could mention how when my sister got straight Fs she "was having trouble adjusting to school" while when I got a C+ I was "a lazy good-for-nothing" and was promptly grounded. My mother of course remembers none of this.
I mean, now I'm definitely the most successful in my family and my mom is off with my sister's kids all the time. Last year we were told by family that "no one was doing anything for the holidays" and yet there on Facebook was my family with my sister and her kids while my wife and daughter and I celebrated alone.
But when something breaks or someone needs money or someone needs something tech related ... guess who gets a call and gets a huge guilt trip if it isn't done immediately?
@Battra92, I am a middle child and after much thought decided I did not fit in well with my family. And yes I was no one's favorite. In fact I thought my family brought out the worse in me.
Thank goodness I sensed this young because I decided I was going to move far away. And right after college I did. I met a man and married who is still my best friend and brings out the best in me.
I love the family I have created, in fact I thought my real life began when I moved away and had years of counseling to undo the damage of my first family.
So happy to see this addressed here. Until you see it spoken by someone else you think you are the only one.
Rose, yes, yes you can!
You have a way with words and I can totally relate! I only have an older brother, but he was always the preferred one, especially by my Mom. He was a good baby, I hardly slept and screamed a lot... after she had me, she got a headache from eating apples (she loved apples!)... I got the mumps and kept her from going on a rare trip... let's just say I really enhanced her life! Apparently my one grandfather really doted on me, but he moved far away and died when I was 7, so I also felt that I was no one's favorite.
Mom died from cancer over 20 years ago, but I did tell her that I loved her (those words were never spoken in our family and it actually took me two hours of praying under my breath before I could get them out). She immediately told me that she loved me, too. (That was easy!) I was able to pray with her to ask Jesus to be her Savior and assured her that my crying then was okay... She was gone early the next morning, peacefully in her sleep. I still say one shouldn't be so happy when one's mother dies, but I was, as there were no unresolved issues between us and she simply slept away. I was so grateful and still am.
I'm guessing your Mother has some insecurity issues of her own and is intimidated by your success, but of course not able to admit that. This whole "measuring up" thing is complicated.
Let me tell you that you are loved and appreciated by God Himself and also by this blog community. Your comments are always appreciated and spot on. I know I would enjoy your books, too!
Thanks for the cup of tea!
@karen, @Battra92, @Rose, @Kristen, and other middle children!
What do you suggest to parents who have middle children to avoid this? I have 3 kids (but it's all new to us bc my husband, 3 of our parents, and I are from 2 children families).
@Lauren,
I'm not a middle child, but I came from a family of three, and the middle child was a drama queen, bossy, temperamental, openly resentful of the oldest and the "baby" and often difficult with family, while being the perfect kid at school and church. (I am not saying that all middle children are this way, in no way!) She still claims she was treated the worst of us, when the entire rest of the family (extended family, too) knew (and privately admitted) that our parents were bending over backwards to try to hang in there with her and show her the love and attention she obviously craved. I think their mistake was in trying to be so completely equal and fair with us three, that they didn't allow for each child's individual personality and needs.
Here's my view from watching this as I grew up - Take some time with each child individually as often as you can, and always consciously look for that child's strengths and successes, no matter how small. Tell each child you love him or her often, and sometimes, also tell him or her some of the things that you love about that particular child. On occasion, praise each child (when they have done something or been someone praiseworthy) to someone else - grandparent, spouse, friend, teacher - in that child's hearing. Never compare one child to another. And accept that mistakes will be made!
I was going to make a joke about "I feel seen" when it comes to JD's "bossy, temperamental" sister, but then it occurred to me that IS the answer.
Accept and love your children the way they are without trying to change them. I never felt that I measured up in any way growing up. Yes, bossy, temperamental and very sensitive isn't the easiest combination, but there are upsides there too. Besides--criticizing your child isn't going to change their basic personality.
I often wear a necklace with Lucy from Peanuts looking angry and annoyed. She's a fussbudget and so am I. (Kristen, by the way, Unique Vintage has some cute Peanuts clothes for Christmas etc.)
This is from a London company and I love it. https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/2802/7366/products/Peanuts-Lucy-Necklace_1920x.progressive.jpg?v=1622647433
Rose, have you ever taken the Enneagram test? I wonder if you are a four. Or maybe an eight.
Ok, I just googled Lucy's enneagram, and apparently she is an eight. lol
I'm an eight.
@Lauren, I am the middle of three and by temperament or conditioning a rule-follower and peace-maker, a role I don't necessarily enjoy. My older sister is three years older, the younger one two years younger, so I could play with either or their friends at a fairly equal level, or share a room with either, but their five years apart was a stretch for them.
Also, in a group of three, two might team together, and the third might be left out, or turned against. Or might enjoy being alone.
I guess I would say for anyone to be aware of the roles and personalities they unknowingly assign their children. I wish my parents (or someone) had encouraged me at least some of the time to be bold and take risks! or helped me be comfortable with my low-key strengths. Take time to observe your children separately, and if one is taking more of your attention, make sure to look after the quiet ones.
Also, I gather that a "generation" in terms of American culture, activities, interests, is not 20-25 years, but something like 3-7. (I apologize for not having the proper citation for this!). Toys, entertainment, activities, priorities, and age-in-relation-to-covid change very quickly now. This might show up for those people who have children with wide age gaps.
@Battra92, I'm not the middle child but I do feel my bro is treated more seriously than I. In my case I'd say I'm clearly loved and supported, but maybe not valued as much.
Respected. The word is respected - not respected as much.
@Lauren, I'm a middle child too (2 of 5). I don't want to dismiss anyone's experiences, but I just want to point out that being a middle child does not automatically mean that you will feel like your siblings are the "favorite". I think my parents did a good job of treating us all equally for the most part. Like I said not on any way dismissing people's experiences, but I feel like this thread has kind of made it seem like it's common for middle children to be neglected and dismissed by parents which is not my experience nor the experience of any other middle kids I personally know.
And I always thought middle child personality was being a loud attention seeker! Though not all middle kids are like that of course. (I am though haha).
@Kirsty, I have two children and both of them, now and then, will accuse me of favoring the other one. I either tell them I dislike them both equally or that the dog has lifeboat privileges over them. That usually shuts em up.
I went to college, got my BS at 20, and my MS at 21. I started teaching high school and got married at 22. I moved to teaching at a college at 25 and finished my EdS that year. I then had my two kids at 29 and 31, while working full time (and getting tenure while pregnant with the first and a full professorship at 33-ish). They are now in elementary school so my daycare years are behind me.
In my region, a lot of parents are way younger than I am (my son's best friend's mother is 10 years younger than me). I don't regret my life choices--they are fine--but I am out of sync with so many people. My entire working career, I've been one of the youngest, and my entire parenting career, I've been one of the oldest. It is an odd dichotomy. I either seem really young or really wise--and I am neither. I'm just a regular person who gets paid to do my favorite school subject every day.
Also, as a community college professor, I get to see students of all ages each semester. Our average age has been trending down recently which feels odd. My returning-to-school students are generally better able to balance challenges with school (mainly because they have to be), but they tend to stop-out more because they know their limits. We have had a lot of challenges over the past few years (natural disasters and COVID), so my older students have had a lot of their plates. My younger students are more in a "school mindset" but they get distracted easily. There are pluses (and minuses) to being both.
(That being said, I know my limits and I am not finishing out my doctorate any time soon. I enjoy reading for fun too much!)
I have the opposite parenting peer experience as you; I have always been much younger than the parents who have kids the same age as mine!
I think it must be so interesting to be a professor and see how different people approach the same class. I don't know what the stats are at my community college, but I can tell you that every student in my class is a young adult, except for me. Many of them could be my children!
I love hearing all these different ways that people made their lives work for their families. I went from high school to college, graduated, worked a few years, got a Master's degree, got married two months after graduation, started working a week after our wedding and then waited eight years to have kids. In those 8 years, I built a career and was the majority bread winner in our home and worked up to an executive level title. By the time I had kids, I was 34 and 36 years old and we were lucky enough to have the option for me to stay home with them. I was nervous. He didn't make as much as I did and I didn't know what life would look like. I don't regret our decision for a millisecond. They were hard years but also the most rewarding of my life. We missed out on a lot of income because I stayed home for 8.5 years but I feel so fortunate that we had that option. I'm now back in the workforce but make significantly less than I did prior to taking a break and it's intimidating looking for work in my mid-forties, despite having excellent experience.
When looking back at my path, the only thing I would have done differently is had my kids a little earlier, but not by much. I gained confidence in myself through my work experiences and if I had my kids earlier, I don't know that I would have stepped into the roles that I did. The second I found out I was pregnant, everything changed and work suddenly didn't hold the same importance.
Thank you for your honesty. Good post!!
What an interesting question and I enjoyed reading your response Kristen.I've taken a somewhat un-traditional route to college.I graduated 10 years ago, and just started college for the first time in August. I spent most of the past 10 years working full time in the medical field as office staff. I was planning on getting married early and starting a family and homeschooling, imaging I would not need to work much or at all, and definitely wasn't planning for college.
But, God had much different plans for my life, so here I am going to college as a 27 year old. I'm also still not married and no kids. Two years ago, I was still mostly content to continue with the types of jobs in the medical world where no degree was necessary (front desk, billing and claims, medical records, ect). And then I took a hard look at my life, at money and looking to support myself for quite possibly my entire life, and knew that if I wanted to retire before I was 70, I needed to make more money. Hence, time for a bachelors.
With some age and some wisdom on my side, I took a long and hard look at what kind of college degree I wanted and how to get that degree quickly and cheaply. Online degrees are generally cheaper, unless your state has really awesome community colleges and adult learner programs. Thankfully, from living frugally for my adult life and working side jobs, I have enough saved up to pay for my entire degree and living expenses for the about 2-2.5 years it will take to get my degree. I was able to move in with my grandmother (who needed the support after recently being widowed) and that is helping the money go farther.
Sometimes, people don't get to choose the big decisions in their lives, and instead get to make small decisions that eventually take them to new places.
The other thing I will say: people will say "oh you can always have your career later." Uh, no, not necessarily. You may be ill, you may have caregiving you don't foresee, and by the way, age discrimination is RIFE, particularly for women. A 40 year old attempting to break into corporate America (and yes I know not every career is corporate America, but we don't all want to be nurses, in fact I think that would be my nightmare job) is never, ever going to have the same opportunities she would have had at 22.
Middle aged women in America, often enough, are seen as jokes. Karens. Eminently laughable and disposable.
Hm, seems Wednesday is Resentment Day for me. I tend to have a lot of feels about this, though.
I worked for a young company a few years ago, in which I wouldn't be surprised if, at 50, I was the oldest employee there, and age discrimination was RIFE. The company was oh so enlightened about everything, everything except age.
That is true about age discrimination, particularly in some fields. It probably is not quite as bad in nursing as it would be in some high-tech settings, I imagine. It seems like middle-aged female nurses are quite common, but that is less true in, say, an IT company.
That was very kind of you to share so much personal information. It also shows that most important, you are living in the NOW and focused on where you are today.
Life unfolds as it does and I, for one, have learned that as I and others age, that looking back and comparing what "might have been" is not especially useful or helpful. That assumes, of course, a degree of self-reflection that you have shown here, that is kept in perspective. In life, it's how we choose to look at and, often, label something, that determines our perspective.
Pretty much everyone, regardless whether now married, single, divorced or variations thereof, and whatever age, could question if there were a "better" (don't like use of that word here) or a more preferred course that could have evolved for various life decisions.
The real key to life is doing our best in the moment, using what we've learned from the past to make choices that fit exactly where we are now. Not worrying about what didn't happen to the point that we don't believe we have choices in the NOW.
This applies to career and other life choices.
If anything, it is clear that NOW is absolutely the most optimum time for you to be studying.
I think we often make ourselves unnecessarily unhappy by thinking "Coulda, woulda, shoulda". Start from where you are. In anything.
What I most take away from your choice to return to college now and to become a nurse is your deep commitment to do the work of a nurse. If anything, being a mom has further strengthened what I believe would have been a high level of commitment (to being a nurse or a nutritionist or something else) no matter when you undertook it. Your compassion and understanding of what is involved in caring for other humans has only grown as a mother (not, it should be noted, that one has to have children to have a high level of compassion for others).
I am just glad your circumstances allow you to pursue this. And that you have not let any concerns you have about ability to learn at an older than average student age or anything else stop you from following your goal.
Your "I'm doing it" attitude will help you achieve your goal. In its own time.
Good luck.
Thank you for your encouragment!
It is really interesting to read the comments about what constitutes a "traditional" choice: Whether college right after high school then work or marriage and kids, then work (or intermingled).
Never even thought of it that way but rather what is "expected" by one's family, friends, immediate "society." For me, none of that mattered and without even considering whether I wanted to be married or have children, pursued an education and work (I didn't even think of it as a career, even with degrees and experience!)
Raised by a single, working mom at a time when there were very few around (and she was treated very badly because to be divorced at that time was considered to be a terrible thing), I quickly absorbed that if I were to have my own life, I'd need a good education and a good job. So those were my priorities.
I do not regret not marrying nor having children, though countless people have told me I would have made a great mom. I've been able to share the lives of my friends' and family's children and love being an auntie.
I loved when Kristen said that she wants her children to pursue their own paths. To have parental support for this is crucial for a child's future life and happiness. So many lives have been ruined by parents (albeit well-meaning but not always) who push and push and push their kids to the point that they make life choices that do not serve who they are as humans in their own right.
It's limiting and unnecessary to continue, even in the 21st century, to act as if their is only a certain way to be (as determined by one's family or immediate society) whether it's a job, a choice of a partner, a lifestyle, etc.
Our real journey here is to determine who we are and how we can contribute to the world around us. We're not just here for ourselves but to serve the world(s) we live in. The happiest people I know are those who wake up each day and enjoy what they do and who contribute to everyone else in their orbits happiness by sharing that in various ways, helping as they can to make another person's day better.
Happy partners make for happy families. Happy children who feel loved reach out to help others. The more we can be ourselves, at our fullest, the more we move beyond just ourselves to reach out and touch the lives of others.
Kristen's blog does that. We have totally different lives and lifestyle but I truly enjoy and learn from her sharing. Her choices wouldn't be mine but I love that she and her family engage so positively with each other. She and her husband have created a life that encourages compassion and learning and joy for her children, which then extends to others (the volunteer work! etc).
We don't have to be like each other to learn and share and be the better for it.
I hope Kristen's piece today will encourage others to follow their ambitions, no matter how old when they undertake them. Good going, Kristen. I can't wait to be around to see you get your degree and enter the workforce as a nurse.
I think this is an important post. We would not be human if we didn’t occasionally think about should haves, would haves, or could haves. Yet, we have no way of knowing how our lives would have turned out if we had taken a different path. It is a mystery! By thinking about what might have been, we diminish the gift of now. As an older reader, I discovered long ago the secret to happiness is to want what you have. But never, never give up on a dream.
@Bee, I wrote this prior to reading everyone’s comments. I feel for those of you who have had extraordinary challenges in your lives and who have been mistreated by others. Please do not think that I am diminishing the hardships that you have faced. I hope that all of you find peace and happiness.
My mother influenced how I approached school. She walked out on us when I was 12 and I watched my father, who was 17 when I was born, struggle in his 20s to raise three kids in a world where there were no supports for single male parents (and later had took on raising three other kids abandoned by their mother!). He already had the disadvantage of being an immigrant with a very heavy accent and was trying to move ahead in his career by going to school at night. I can remember thinking that there was no way I would trust any man to stick around so I had to finish school before I had kids or got married. In fact, I refused to date for a long time, afraid I would give in to love/lust. I finished college in three years and then finished grad school. I married a few years later and have been very happily married for 38 years but I have never regretted doing the educational piece first simply because I had the piece of mind of knowing that no matter what happened I had enough education to get a good job if my husband left me.
Wonderful post! Kristen your outlook on life is admirable! Susan , you rock! I enjoyed reading all the comments. I was not allowed to pursue higher education. I had 3 kids at 26, and wouldn’t change anything, God gave me the job that was for me, and now that I am 50, there is plenty of time to fill my heart, with things that make me happy!
I had the best of both worlds in my opinion. I graduated with associates in nursing at age 21 and had my 3 kids by age 27. My twenties was a mix of working and staying home with babies. Working as a nurse while pregnant was brutal at times, (hospital smells and morning sickness don’t mesh well) but it too passed. Now the kids and I are going to school together.
Them in elementary, and I’m working on my bachelors degree. I can definitely relate to your posts about school, Kristen.
I think this is a question that most of us ponders in hindsight, but we likely did not have a true choice or one big choice when the path was taken. Instead, there are so many circumstances and chance things that happen to us to shape our lives, or a series of many small choices that shape the direction.
For instance, I was very ambitious about my education, but met my future husband "too early", got married and had my first baby at 21. Part of me regrets not being able to focus 120% on myself at the time and I would not recommend this to my own children (for the record, I think marrying at 19 is way too early and can lead to codependency, a not fully formed independent identity, etc), but I would not take away the other things this gave me. I had my first two children while working on my undergraduate and graduate degrees, and although it was very tough, being a student and having small children can work if you have flexibility in your classes or study pace. It also gave me an intellectual life outside of my home.
We had a set of twins in my mid 30s, which was a big change to having children in your 20s. There are many things I wish I could have provided my first children that I am now able to afford for my later set of children, but on the other hand, there are other things too that my older children have to go without (grandparents that have passed away or are now too old to help out). Every season has a silver lining, and seldom do things fall in line in an ideal way.
"most of us ponder".
Should not write when distracted, but of course I mean my younger children by that "there are other things too that my older children have to go without (grandparents that have passed away or are now too old to help out)".
I haven't read any of the comments yet so this is coming straight off the post above:
I think there are two key factors here. One is how much you care about having a family versus a career. Most people want both but if you had to choose one or the other, which would you choose? That can also change as you go through life. The second is when you meet your partner. I personally always knew I wanted to have kids. To have a happy family was always my number one life goal. But I always said I would rather not have kids than have them with the wrong guy. I didn't meet my dh until I turned 30 so I focused primarily on my career until then. Looking back I'm really really glad I didn't have kids with any of the guys I went out with in my twenties. If I had I would probably be a divorced single mom by now. But on the other hand I know people who met in their twenties and younger (eg Kristen!) And are still happily married at 40. So when you meet your forever partner is extremely important. I also changed a lot in my twenties and if I had met my dh in our twenties we would have hated each other. We were literally on opposite sides of a lot of political issues (I was an antiwar protestor and he is a soldier and that's just one example). We still disagree on lots of political stuff but we agree on big moral issues that actually affect out lives and that's far more important I think. We both grew up a LOT in our twenties so we weren't ready for each other back then.
However I do sometimes wish we had grown up faster and met each other sooner. I remember in my late 20s crying because I thought I might never get to be a mom. We have also lost 3 of our 5 children to miscarriage. This might not have happened if we started younger. Also if we have another baby now (which we both want) we will be in our 60s when that baby goes to college. I'm exhausted just dealing with the two I have now in my 40s. The thought of dealing with a teenager in my late 50s is exhausting!
We have sooo much more money now than we would have had if we had had our kids when we were young. But the downside is our kids are turning into spoiled brats and it's very hard to fend that off. We do our best but it's always a close balance between giving them stuff and making them spoiled.
One last thing to consider is the time you get on the other end. I might never get to meet my grandkids and that is the saddest thought of all.
I'm so sorry to hear of all the miscarriage losses. Hugs to you. And I hope that your dream of another baby comes true for you guys. Thanks for sharing your story!
@Kristen, thanks x
You are so right that there is no right or wrong path in getting a college degree. Like you, I started nursing school in my 40s. I remembered studying A&P with an eight month old baby in my lap. Well, I became a mom in my 40s. Unfortunately, after all the sacrifices and hardships of getting my RN, I have to stop my practice due to unforeseen circumstances. Prior to baby and nursing school, I had a degree and successful career in a different field.
I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about it ever since (so...yay for an amazing post, Kristen!)
My life path is almost the opposite of yours--I got a 4 year degree right out of high school, worked a bit, then earned a Masters/PhD by the time I was 30. I got to live in different parts of the country, travel the world, do tons of amazing kid-free things, and live abroad in my 20s-30s. I met my now-husband at age 36, then had a baby at 37 and another at nearly 39 years old. Though I'm a college professor and my schedule is more flexible than most, my kids went to daycare during the school year and I've never thought about homeschooling them. I was so late in life in having my kids that I was overjoyed to be a mom, and never felt like I had missed out on anything due to all the fun I had had in my pre-kid years. BUT...of course...I was amazingly lucky to have had these opportunities, access to safe and effective birth control for the years that I was dating people I *wouldn't* want to have had kids with, and of course, amazingly blessed to have been able to get pregnant fairly easily both times with uncomplicated pregnancies. This is certainly NOT the case for everyone, and I am conscientious of that.
ALL THAT SAID...there are so many good things about your life path that I admire and envy at times! The biggest thing--had I been married younger, I would have DEFINITELY have had more children! I am lucky to have had 2, but I basically ran out of time to have the 3, 4 or even 5 I feel like I would have loved to have had. Having kids younger gives you a lot more leeway over how much you want to grow your family (and offers a buffer amount of time if you run into health issues or infertility). You have more energy, no doubt. Your own parents/siblings are younger, too--my parents had me at slightly older ages as well and I am sad they are not in the kind of shape to do certain types of activities with my kids. You and your husband got to sort of 'grow up' together and now have likely many years ahead as empty nesters and time to pursue options. You got to stay home with your kids and be the director of their education; you've had priceless amounts of time with them and got to know them different ways. There are many blessings in your own life and what I love about your post is how you can recognize that!
At the end of the day, the past has already happened and can't be changed; I just loved reading your reflections because you are able to articulate so clearly the truly wonderful/lucky/fortunate aspects of your life choices and circumstances, while remaining open and non-judgmental to others, their situations/choices, and even those of your children. Thank you for sharing this and opening up some really wonderful commentary from your readers, too.
I feel like the credit for an interesting post goes to the questioner! I don't know that I would have come up with that post topic myself, but once I saw the question, I thought, "Oh, this could be fun to explore."
I love that you can see the upsides of the path your own life has taken; maybe that's the main takeaway from all this discussion: that there are good things to appreciate about lots of different life paths!
@Kristen, True--whoever was willing to ask the question was smart! I think a lot of us readers were curious about your own feelings on your life path. But your willingness to answer, too, is wonderful.
Like one of your previous posts about different 'seasons' of child-rearing, I think you offer wonderful perspectives of ways to approach the things that have (and haven't) happened in our lives, and these perspectives are so useful in fostering a sense of contentment in the lives that we are living right now.
I love when readers send me questions! Then I know I am writing a post that at least ONE person really wants to read. 🙂
Like you, I attended college after high school, then in the middle of my junior year I just couldn’t handle the business classes I was taking any longer. At that time my parents were not supportive of me changing degrees so I went back home and began working; I always knew I’d return to college, I just didn’t know what that would look like. When John graduated from college we got married and had our first son 2 years later.
Fast forward to my 33rd birthday: I so clearly remember that day as it hit me between the eyes that I felt I was just existing as opposed to really living a fulfilling life. I had been married 10 years, out of high school 15 years, and where was I headed? I pulled over to the side of the road and prayed for myself about 3 things: I wanted another baby, I wanted a degree, I wanted a different house. Son #4 was born when I was 35, 2 years later I started going to school part time, and when #4 was in first grade I was offered a teaching position that I didn’t even apply for. I had gone to a school as a half-day sub and the principal asked me to step into her office. She said a kinder position opened up (the 3rd week of school) and “the job is yours if you want it”. I was floored! This allowed us to be able to buy a larger home for our family of 6. 4 years later I found myself back in college for a masters degree in library science, and I have had my dream job as an elementary school librarian for 13 years now. Like you said, I definitely appreciated college more the second time around. I don’t think that I would have been as effective a teacher in my early 20’s as I was when I began in my early 40’s.
I’m a few years from retirement, all 4 sons are in their own careers and self-supporting, we have 6 grandchildren and my husband and I just celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary. I can’t wait to see how the future evolves.
Interesting post!
I myself am going back to school (part-time in january, full time in september) to do my Bachelor and then my Masters in Social Work. I have 5 years of schooling ahead of me and I`ll graduate at the tender age of... 46! I had my kids at age 29 and 31, which was just perfect for me, and I have been working in my current field since 2008. 13 years later, I'm fed up. I work a very physical job (Physical rehabilitation assistant) and I just don't have it in me, physically and mentally, to do this for the next 15-20 years. I need a job where I use my body less and my mind more.
I loved this job at 26. At 40, I'm done with it. And I am done complaining about it, so now I'm finally taking actions! I am happy to show my daughters that if you are unhappy about a situation it's in your power to make a change. At 10 and 12 I think this lesson will stick.
So many good paths! We all want to make the most of what we're handed, I think.
I attended a top-tier university, and I confess to worrying occasionally that some people would say I've squandered my degree since I'm home with my kids. But I'm blessed to have no debt, and my degree comes in handy all the time for educating my kids and generally being a good citizen. And it got me that boring job that supported us through grad school (and also helped some cardiology devices get FDA clearance, in a tiny administrative support and editing kind of way). And I wanted four kids so much more than career satisfaction, and I have them, and feel so blessed!
One of the reasons I got my teaching credential was to have a clear means of supporting myself and my kids in case something should happen to my husband. If I hadn't been so set on that we'd have started our family sooner.
I think your reasons for your path are wonderful, Kristen. I think if I went back to school I'd have so much more focus. What I want most for my own kids is that they pursue life, whether that's taking opportunities as they come or planning them out, and rolling with the punches either way. Responsibility, intentionality, contentment, commitment are the ideals that come to mind.
Aw, a shout out and a picture posted in the last few weeks. Makes me miss you even more, sweet friend! For those who don't have the privilege of knowing Kristen 'IRL'- she really is this level headed and compassionate in person. You will be an incredible nurse, Kristen!
Somehow, I did both paths... I went straight to college after high school, got married, and worked part time for a few years before becoming a mom. Then I was fully invested in the SAHM life until becoming a single mom and, eventually, going back to school again.
I think, in some ways, being forced to become a single mom and HAVING to find a way to provide for my children (which was difficult since, despite having a four year college degree with highest honors, I had very little job experience post college and the job market was flooded applicants when I entered it) was exactly the kick in the pants I needed. I had wanted to go to nursing school for years and years, but I was so scared of failure I never did. Would I have remained frozen in fear and never pursued it if I wasn't forced? Maybe. I wholly and completely love every single thing I'm learning (although next week's instruction on ostomy care may change that... there's a reason I keep Vicks in my nursing bag! 😉 ) and my kids are getting to see how valuable it is to apply yourself to accomplishing a challenging goal. And they've become far more responsible over the last year, which is good since I tended to coddle them a lot. 🙂 It's hard. So hard. But so worth it!
So many wonderful thoughts here, just wanted to offer a perspective shared by the headmaster at my school - he shared an article (which I can't find) about making as many dots as possible (ie. take opportunities to do and learn new things). We may not see any patterns for a while, but often, the dots end up connecting in ways we couldn't have imagined. This has certainly been true in my life, and gives me hope when I'm feeling stuck or lost.
So then your Lucy necklace is quite appropriate! You guys have the same enneagram.
Great post that I'm just reading now! Hmmmm, it's a tough one for me. I got my BA right after high school, then my MA right after that--then started teaching a few years later. I got married at 29, first kid at 33, second at 35. I'd have loved to have had more kids, but it didn't happen. Now I'm 40 and working on my 2nd MAs.
I am happy with how things worked out, because I like my life now. However...I had thought I was too immature to have had kids younger, but it's the kids that made me mature into a better and more focused person. I love love love being a mom, even if I work, and I wish I had had more kids. So, part of my wishes I had gotten started with a family earlier in that respect...but I didn't meet the right person until later. Maybe motherhood wouldn't have been as great if I had married one of my knuckle-head exes. 😀
Ha, that is a good point. Having a solid person to co-parent with makes a huge difference!