Q&A | All About Attitudes
Every Monday, I answer a few of the questions that my readers send me. If you have a question you'd like me to answer in a future Q&A post, just leave me a comment here or email me (thefrugalgirl [at] gmail [dot] com) and put Q&A in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you!
A suggestion for a future Monday Q&A: I'm wondering if you could talk a little bit about how to keep a positive attitude, specifically regarding frugality. Although I try to practice gratitude every day, I still find that one of my biggest obstacles is my attitude. I can get very down on myself if I "fail" by spending too much at the grocery store for example, and I tend to get very gloomy and defeatist. Any tips for staying up-beat and fun?
Slightly related is my feeling of awkwardness in dealing with situations where I have to say "no" to social events/ playdates that cost money. Is there a way to do this without bringing up money, or at least without feeling any sense of shame about "not having enough"? (I think this might be another "Attitude" thing.)
Another question I have is, how do you balance the practicality of having a very limited amount of "extra" money, with being generous and giving to others (the poor, neighbors, friends, etc.)? It seems too easy to slip into a tightwad/miserly frame of mind.
Thanks! --Lauren
I think it's great that you're thinking about these things! You're right...attitude plays a major role in frugal living, and attitude alone can make the difference between miserable miserliness and joyful frugality.
Since there are three distinct questions here, I'll answer them one at a time.
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Staying Upbeat
I find that it's easiest to stay upbeat about saving money if I frame it positively. For instance, instead of thinking, "I can't spend my money on that.", it's better to think, "I'm choosing to keep myself out of debt/put money in my savings account."
A fun challenge mindset also helps me ("How awesome can I make my home/meals/wardrobe on a limited budget?")
Also, I'm not sure how tight your financial situation is, but if you have a little bit of wiggle room, give yourself some grace if you spend a little bit more on groceries one week.
You didn't mention this specifically, but I just want to throw out there that comparison is a terrible thief of joy when it comes to money. It is so, so hard to be content on a tight budget if you focus on people who have more than you...that will just make you feel like you've got nothing. So, I find it helpful to stop looking at people with more, and to instead think about people who have so much less.
Thinking about people who live with less (both current and past) and who have managed to lead happy lives helps me to realize how much I have and also how possessions and money aren't the most important things in life.
On a related note, sometimes you can feel like a failure if you compare yourself to other frugal people ("She only spent $85 on groceries this week and she thought that was really high?? I must be an abject failure at this frugal thing.")
Everyone's situations/family size/prices are different, so don't compare yourself to other frugal people in an negative way. Do the best you can do, keep on trying, and give yourself some grace.
Saying No Socially
I know there's often embarrassment associated with not having money, but here's the thing: I don't know your whole situation, but I can tell that you're doing your best to be responsible with your money. If you were spending money willy-nilly, then you might have cause to be embarrassed.
But the income you have is the income you have (at least for right now), and you're trying to manage it well, so if your friends look down on you for having to refuse some invites, I think that's on them and not on you. Real friends won't behave that way.
Practically speaking, I'm inclined to feel that honesty is the best choice. Instead of coming up with excuses, I'd suggest saying something like, "I'm so sorry, but we're on a pretty tight budget right now, so I'll have to say no. We'd love to get together with you for a picnic lunch at the park, though."
You can initiate budget-friendy get-togethers too...don't wait for someone to invite you to something expensive.
(If you have any space in your budget, you could consider putting away a small amount of money each week for an occasional spendy outing. That might help you to feel less deprived.)
Generosity on a Budget
I am so, so familiar with the temptation to hang on to every extra penny, so I hear you there. Marrying a generous man has helped me out a lot (but since he's already taken, that's not helpful advice for you!)
Looking at people with less helps me to have a more merciful and generous attitude, and so does setting aside money specifically for the purpose of giving. We budget a portion of our money each money for charitable giving, and we do the same for gifts. Having money in an account for Christmas and birthdays helps me so much (we use online savings accounts for this purpose.)
If you have more time than money, consider giving time (volunteer at a charity, give a gift of service to someone on their birthday). And if you're pretty good at the frugal thing, use your skills to be generous. Bake something to give as a gift, fix up a thrift store/freecycle find for someone, shop the clearance racks to find an awesome baby gift, and so on.
(On a related note, this post about giving meaningful gifts may be helpful.)
Hang in there, Lauren! You're not alone, and even if you haven't got lots of fellow frugal people to spend time with in real life, there are lots of us here on the web (and I think spending time, virtually or not, with other frugal people is a great way to stay on track and keep your motivation going).
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Readers, I know a lot of you have experience with the difficulties Lauren is facing, so please do share your advice with her in the comments.
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Joshua's 365 post: Gardner Box
One of the things that helps me is to decide what is worth spending money on. For example, after breaking up with my boyfriend earlier this year, I decided I wanted to live alone for a year. This is quite a bit more expensive than living in a sharehouse, and has meant that I have very little money to spend on things like clothes, car expenses and eating out, but in my mind it is totally worth it.
Whenever I have to turn down an invitation or stop myself from buying something, I think about how happy living alone makes me, much happier than a meal out that would be gone in half an hour.
Having said that though, I am a student and mostly socialise with other poor students, so we usually do things like having dinner at each other's places, or eating the lunch we have brought from home together, or drinking subsidised beer at uni. I did have to turn down a friend's invitation to go on a week long sailing trip for his birthday, but in general we keep things cheap 🙂
I find that being frugal makes me more of a princess. As in, "Why would I buy coffee from Starbucks when the stuff I make is so much better?" And if I go out to eat--"I could make a much better version of this at home."
Which probably isn't the greatest attitude. . .;)
"Comparison is the thief of joy." How true. As time has gone on, I've gotten better about not seeing myself in an unfavorable way when I compare myself to others. However, it's still a work in progress.
And we need to remember when it looks like someone else has more money to spend, they may be spending money they don't have.
I've had issues with focusing on people with more than me, mostly because they are my in-laws and I can't exactly remove them from my life. They take great pleasure in flaunting their relative comfort and fretting over their first world problems (e.g. I can't believe all the work I have to do on my second house!) and I used to let this really get to me. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't anymore but at least it's less because my wife and I have reached a point where it's not worth putting in tremendous effort for people who won't put in an ounce of effort in return.
It's good that this seems to be a "team decision" (both you and your wife). I can't imagine the tension in your own home if you didn't have such an understanding partner in this in-laws situation.
Kristen, you did a great job answering her questions! What kept coming back to me when reading it was this: Budget.
By having a solid budget, you can prioritize spending on what brings you joy and happiness which makes living frugally more enjoyable (for me, it's having money to spend on good food and buying used books and being able to go on field trips for homeschooling).
By having a solid budget, it's easy to say to friends, "That's not in our budget this month. I hope you have a really great time, and thanks for the invite! Do you want to meet at the park another day this week?"
And by having a solid budget, you know exactly how much you have to spend on charity/tithing. We set aside 10%, and I know that amount comes off-the-top of our check each month. It keeps me from wanting to hoard all my money.
I like to use Moneywell for budgeting; it's really helped me set a budget and follow it so that I can reference my budget when I get frustrated about frugality!
Thanks for this perspective, Renee. I especially like your line: "that's not in our budget this month...etc" For some reason, it feels better for me to say something like that rather than "we can't afford to...(whatever)". More like I'm being responsible, rather than pathetic. I'm going to start using your line from now on, since I'm very often in this situation.
Organize organize organize!
It lets you (largely) dictate the cost of the event. It's very hard for someone to make pushy, expensive recommendations when you've said "Why don't you and Son X meet us at the local park on Saturday afternoon at 2 pm? I'm looking forward to seeing you!" or "I just heard about this great new path down by the river. I'm planning to check it out on Tuesday evening after work- why don't you join? I've been dying to catch up with you"
Be specific- few things are worse than the "we should get together sometime" line. It's like a vacuum waiting to be filled, and usually when people are grasping for something to do, they go for the expensive option to fill the vacuum. They don't have to think too hard about it, they don't have to worry that you won't be impressed or it will be "beneath" you... Being specific lays down your expectations and priorities right at the beginning.
Throw in a compliment for good measure. It's hard to resist someone who couches their comments by telling you how much they want to see you/ have missed you/ would love to get your opinion on something.
I really like your 'be specific' advice.. I'm going to use that more, thanks! So true about people wanting to impress each other with how expensive of plans they make.
Yeah. What Kristen said. 🙂
Comparison is something I have to watch out for. The internet has spawned a new level of comparison warfare--there are so many examples of lovely homes, yards, and so on. In the past I have had to limit my exposure to magazines to keep my expectations realistic and now I think I need to expand that to the web, as well.
Kristen said this already, but I want to second what she said--beat your friends/playdates to the punch and initiate a frugal outing. They are out there (or you can create them) but you have to be on the lookout!
I went through Weight Watchers several years ago and some weeks I just ... blew it. By forgiving myself and moving on I was able to lose a significant amount of weight and keep it off. I think the same principle applies to budgeting. Get back on that horse and ride!
On the plus side, the internet has also paved the way for us to find other like-minded budgety/frugal types, and to bask in their support of our frugal successes and attitudes.
True! Ultimately, I am the one who places myself in positive or negative situations. If I hang out with people with an "upgrade upgrade upgrade" mindset (whether in person or on the internet), I start to feel like something is wrong with me and I need to upgrade, too. If my time is spent with those who value financial responsibility and making wise choices, then I find it easier to continue in the path I have chosen.
I like your list of possible frugal activities below--probably because I have used most of them!
I think of myself as being prudent rather than frugal or cheap. I think others respect prudent people who live within their means. I remember hearing people say that so and so was so wasteful with her money that if she went shopping and had some change left over she'd buy a stamp!
My husband and I have (Semi) retired recently. Our income has decreased by less than half of what we were making while working So I am becoming all too familiar with budgeting, shopping for sale items and returning to my love of growing, canning and preserving our food which is a huge savings. I just made over 50 jars of jams and jellies, sweet pickles, and corn relish and will be using these to give as Christmas baskets for friends and family.
I've found that it helps"”with select people"”to explain why I'm sticking so closely to my budget. For me it's been to have a college fund for my daughter.
We've been putting a little aside every month in the college fund with the goal of being able to cover four years at the local university. And our daughter has been saving a portion of her allowance and now money she earns since she was six. Any bad feelings I've had about missing out on eating at the hottest restaurant in town or taking a tropical vacation disappear when I think about what an advantage it will be for my child to leave university without any loans to be paid back. Plus it's hard for people to argue against helping your child get an education!
If you have financial room, budget for these "extras," both going out with friends and being generous.
For the going out, it can help to have alternate ideas that are less spendy. Probably not all of these will apply, but here are some ideas:
- pot lucks,
- brew & views or second-run theaters for movies (as long as you don't buy food, of course),
- free museum days,
- drinking non-alcoholic beverages if you go out for drinks (many bars refill them for free, and sometimes don't charge at all) (but please do still tip),
- playground + picnic,
- local festivals, police night events, free summer movie screenings + picnic,
- playdate at your place where you pick the entertainment (cookie decorating?).
Also, a friend of mine had a great success in making a kids' activity for free. He learned from the play space's website that they would pay for gently used books and toilet paper tubes with admission and store credit.
As for what to say and how, it seems that mentioning either value for money or having alternate goals, make it easier to take a pass on an too-pricy activity. So something along the lines of "That's a bit pricy for that activity for me." or "Not this time, thank you, I'm trying to save for X" or "Maybe next time, I want to pay down that darn student loan before I go crazy."
As for attitude, try hanging out with people who care about budgets and saving. I don't mean that you should dump RL friends who don't, but maybe find additional groups that have the same issues and perspectives on the subject. For me, this group is almost entirely online. You can absorb hints, share successes, and get positive feedback for your steps to take control of your budgeting.
As far as play dates and social engagements go: You are teaching your kids to be frugal by saying no to the play date at the bounce house place that costs $10/kid, or saying no to the trip to American Girl with friends. It is OK to do things differently, and your friends will respect your choices. It is also OK for your kids to grow understand that every family does things their own way.
I really like this way of looking at it, thank you! Of course it's ok to say no to things. (And it's good for me, too, learning to set boundaries.)
Yeah the whole play date thing gets to me but on a different note. I always say sorry we have budget priorites or something like that. I have no issues with that because my family is most important. What gets me is that I always get asked to expensive type playdates by people who are in debt and are struggling financially and that really is annoying.... maybe I am just mean. 🙂
Hi Kristin,
I find it so hard to stay positive when the bills arrive each month. The interest alone on my credit card is hundreds of dollars. I am so embarrassed that I have let my family's finances get so bad. I find your words encouraging and not judgmental. Thank you
If it helps ... every day is a new opportunity to do a little better than we did yesterday.
Hi Debbie
Dont be so hard on yourself! You spotted the problem, and you are dealing with it. It will take a while to get into the habit of paying off your debt, but pretty soon you will be used to it. And just imagine how happy you will be (6 months down the line) when your bills have shrunk?!
Generosity on a budget:
Be creative! Money isn't the only thing charities need.
I have found several charities that post lists of needed supplies on their websites. A lot of these items can be found for very little money, but when donated to a charity can make a big impact.
When I'm out thrifting I pick up NIP (new in package) school supplies (back packs, paper, pencils, rulers, crayons, etc). They are donated to help low income students.
I am a crafter and I've made winter hats to donate to homeless shelters. Some are sown from polar fleece, some knit. All materials were purchased at second hand stores.
Shelters also need personal care items (soap, shampoo, razors) that are easy to find at thrift stores.
Gardeners can donate garden produce to food banks.
Were I to purchase these things retail I could only afford a few items, but by watching and waiting I can get them for mere pennies.
Donating produce to the food bank is great b/c nothing gets wasted. I know someone that has been doing this for years.
I find cleaning my house helps me to appreciate what we have. There is something about a clean, tidy space, even if it isn't perfectly decorated, that makes me happy.
My perspective is as a longtime frugal mom with children now grown. A frugal friend once told me "Frugality without creativity leads to a feeling of deprivation". It was such good advice. Creative thinking really is the best friend of a frugal mom. I found the awkward moments regarding invitations to things outside of our budget were even more frequent and challenging as the kids became teens. It was very helpful to be generous (and allow the children that joy) when our budget allowed or an opportunity arose. Such as the time my husband got 6 free tickets to a popular concert and took a van full of teens. Other times we created opportunities by organizing things within our budget and inviting friends. Time is as precious an asset as money, I agree with Kristen, if you have time use some of it to organize fun activities and share hospitality that is within your budget. One of our most memorable childrens parties was a very budget friendly "surprise, come as you are breakfast". We let all the parents know ahead of time and then my husband drove my daughter to each child's home early in the morning to wake them up and tell them "surprise, we are having a party!" I had a big breakfast cooking with music going when they all arrived (as many as the van would fit). The house was filled with giggling happy girls in their jammies. After breakfast we did a craft, watched a movie and then parents came to collect them. For years afterward, friends told us it was one of their favorite parties because they got to be surprised.
I had to learn to graciously accept when friends with more means reciprocated by treating the children to things sometimes that were not in our budget. This was almost as hard for me as saying "no" to things we could not afford. But I learned that my children's friends enjoyed and valued the less expensive but time intensive things we organized for them just as much as mine did the more expensive treats. Now that my children are grown and I get to see how close our family is, what balanced young adults they are and hear their expressions of praise fore the way we raised them; I can say to you that in spite of the challenges..it really is worth the effort to be frugal. Especially if it helps you reach your goals, such as allowing you more time together as a family.
What a brilliant party idea!
The comparison thing is hard for me because we live in an area (Seattle) that has a lot of very wealthy people (Microsoft, Amazon and Google employees) and even some of the fellow homeschoolers we know have (seemingly) a ton of money. Other members of our family are spending money like crazy and don't have any empathy for our situation, or respect for the frugality that keeps us going in a town with such a high cost of living. I need to "hide" some people on Facebook because I am sick of hearing about their expensive classes/activities/trips. That helps me stay the course. I know that the way we do things is better for our health and the environment, too, so I just keep reminding myself that a lot of those Joneses are actually poor behind the facade. I've been deep in debt, it's not fun, and now we may not live in a fancy house, but I can sleep at night!
p.s. just back from my frugal activity---cutting up canteloupe myself instead of buying it pre-cut---to add this: keep your most important goal in mind. For me it's continuing to homeschool my son. He has special needs and being at home is so much easier and better for him. Everything I do is in service of that goal. Frugality gives me the freedom to make the choices that are the best for my family. Plus, I'm in my late 40's now and the older I get, the less I care about what others think about me. Being a total dork who could never be one of the "cool kids" was good training for ignoring supposed allure of the Joneses and all their cools stuff/trips/activities. So fly your frugal freak flag proudly!
Although it's hard not to compare your situation with your friends and family, you have to remember that you're trying to keep your debt in check. While it seems like your friend may be spending a boatload of money, they might be charging it and may not actually have that money to spend frivolously. I have to remind myself when I am jealous of what others are buying or doing.
This was an awesome post. I really enjoyed it and found it very helpful. I liked one commentor's remark that budgeting is like dieting. I so agree! And would like to add that it also has benefits. As dieting allows you to live a more healthy life, budgeting also brings about a more healthful way of living where you pay down your debts and save for the important things in life, like an education for your child.
saying no socially because of money is something I hate to do, but I´ve gotten more and more good at it over the years. I try to be honest, which is easy, because I´m still a student and it´s common knowledge that students are poor, so I guess I get out of it easily sometimes. "Luckily" many of my friends are in the same financial situation, so we try to have frugal dinners together and play boardgames, and if it´s saturday we drink cheap white wine;-)
Thank you for this post Kristen, so encouraging!! I really appreciated Lauren's honest question as well, because these are things my husband and I struggle with constantly. It's hard to talk about with friends, because sometimes they try to relate, and then continue shopping at expensive grocery stores and inviting you on expensive outings. I'm a big Dave Ramsey fan, and he talks about changing your mindset from "I deserve this" to "who do I think I am?" which has really helped me (the spender).
This post is very encouraging. I totally agree that frugalie newbies should not be so hard on themselves. Keep doing your best and what's best for your family.
I think it's important to focus on the gifts that frugality brings into our lives rather than seeing it as some sort of a burden. Because I'm frugal I get to enjoy more time and less stress. I get to eat real home cooked food every day instead of pre-packaged yucky stuff. I am freed from the burden of trying to impress other people because I've decided that it doesn't matter.
Back when I still had a "real job", most of my co-workers would take expensive vacations at least once or twice a year. They always talked about how great it was to "get away from it all." I took my vacations at home and enjoyed time with friends and family, long hot baths, walks, bike rides and other simple pleasures. My motto was always that instead of "getting away from it all" I'd rather spend my energy (and money) building a life that I don't feel the need to get away from.
My ultimate frugal reward came 7 years ago when I basically got to retire at age 39. Now I feel like I'm on permanent vacation! I really, truly believe that frugal living is its own reward!
I try to make frugality fun or a learning experience when I can. That helps with any feelings of deprivation. This certainly works when doing stuff with the kids. When we choose to do something free or cheap and cheerful, rather than making it feel like they are missing out, it can feel as though they are doing so much more. A little creativity and engagement and they can experience things money can't buy and learn great new skllls. This also applies to adults. When I replicate a restaurant meal for a fraction of the cost, that's fun, and a challenge and I've learnt something new!
Lauren, I've been where you are. I remember the challenge of making ends meet for just the necessities of life. It had to the grace of God that helped me not to feel sorry for myself but to meet the situation with an attitude of 'just how well can we live'. It turned out to be a very creative experience for me as I used what I found to decorate my home, clothe and feed us. One time I took several of the items I had made to a consignment store in a tourist area and they agreed to take one of my crafts of which they sold about 10 a month. One big lesson I've learned is we don't even tap into the deep well of God's resources until He is all we have. I have found it so amazing how I 'found' the exact size I needed or even more special - to come across something I'd really admired but didn't need. It was like a love gift from the Lord himself. When God does provides like this He gives plenty of opportunities to give Him credit. This usually happened at the grocery store when something wouldn't ring up and (cause I was watching the cash register to make sure the total wouldn't be more than I had) I would have to remind the cashier which always amazes them. I say," My God owns the cattle on a thousand hills and I'd rather have His blessings than this package of meat, etc." Recently I bought a $30 bathroom rug at WalMart that didn't ring up. That one earned a "God bless you!" and a hug. I could go on and on but now I look back on all my experiences and wouldn't trade them for just ordinary riches.
I can't remember a time when pinching pennies hasn't been at least one of my househlod concerns. I love to give gifts and support favorite charities and it's hard when the money isn't there. Here are a few of the things I do.
1. Use my FB platform to publicize coming events, like the local foster care agency's Princess for a Day party. They need donations of dresses, jewelry, etc. and I've been working on that on FB.
2. Shop local rummage sales on $1 a bag days and stock up on baby clothes for the crisis pregnancy center, which I take home, wash, and fold neatly before dropping it off for their hope chest program. You can also stock up on towels and sheets for a domestic violence center or a pet shelter, children's hats and gloves for the Salvation Army's winter programs..... etc.
3. Shop garage sales for the above. I also keep a stack of crisis pregnancy center business cards in my purse and hand them out at sales with lots of baby and maternity stuff, along with a comment that the center would gladly accept anything that doesn't sell.
I hope these ideas inspire you to find ways to help others despite low finances.
Kristen, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your thoughtful answer. I also love the comments! So many people contributed such great ideas and perspectives. I'm really grateful and feeling inspired. Thanks again!!!
Speaking of attitudes....I was recently faced with a frugal dilemma. I was standing in line at Kohl's and realized my 20% off coupon expired last month and my new 15% off coupon was in the car. My purchase was $44 so 15% would have been a savings of $6.60. It was cold and raining outside so I immediately started thinking...do I really want to run out into the cold wet rain just to save $6.60? Then I remembered my motto "it all adds up" and I put it into perspective. $6.60 will buy 6 dozen eggs at Aldi, which translates to a 2 egg breakfast for one person for 36 days. Is it worth it? HECK YES! Attitude adjusted!