Q&A | Abandoned house updates, being the "higher-desire" saver, and more
First up, we have three questions from Cindy (the same RV-ing Cindy from this Meet a Reader post!)
What are you living on right now, while you’re waiting for school to start? Are you getting alimony… using benefits… ???
Nope; I am living on the income I make from this very blog.
I get paid a teeny tiny amount for every ad that is displayed, and since thousands of people read my blog, that adds up to enough to support myself. I don't have money to burn, but I can pay for life's necessities.
Like rent!
For all of the years that I was married, I always had a job of some sort going, one that could be scaled to independently support myself (such as piano teaching).
My motive? I knew I'd want my kids and me to be financially ok if I were to be widowed. If we lost the main breadwinner, I wanted to know I could still feed and house us on my own.
I didn't really foresee that this circumstance (separation and divorce) would be the reason I'd need my own income, but here we are! And I'm thankful that I am able to take care of myself this way.
I have always thought it was important for stay-at-home moms to have some kind of income-earning plan in the event of widowhood. And now I'd add that it's an important thing to have in place in case a marriage needs to be dissolved.
(To be clear, I am in no way denigrating people who use public benefits when they leave a marriage. That's a perfectly acceptable thing to do, and I support it. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself to a place of physical and emotional safety.)
Also, when you list the WWA meals (which I’m glad you do), it seems like you’re buying a lot more groceries than you’re actually using. Are these going elsewhere…into the freezer… ???
This is an interesting question; I'm wondering how you arrived at this conclusion!
I have been slowly building up a pantry (like when I stocked up on the $0.99 packages of chicken and threw them in my freezer), but I don't have a super huge stash of food here.
If you are thinking something like, "Whoa, Kristen is spending a lot to feed three people.", maybe it would help to know that I'm including toiletries, paper goods, kitchen trash bags, and cleaning products in my grocery totals.
What’s the status on your brother’s Treasure House? Is it cleaned out now, and renovated?
And Jane said:
I am wondering what has happened to that old house you rescued so many things from. I am thinking it was on a property your brother bought? Are there still more treasures to be had? Did it get refurbished or torn down? That was a fascinating series to me!
It's all empty now! And it is super weird to see it like that.
A refresher of the original condition:
Cleaned out:
It's mostly gutted now too; those walls, ceilings, and floors were so dirty and damaged, there was no rescuing them. The house needed a total reboot.
I think there might be some structural repairs that are necessary, and after that, they can start the process of making the house into a liveable home again.
My sister-in-law has been posting some pictures of the progress on Instagram...the account is @treasure_haus. So give that a follow if you want to stay up to date!
My brother has a full-time job, plus he owns another business, plus he has projects to do at his own house, so progress on the abandoned house may be on the back burner for a bit. 😉
Question - do you have a recipe for making home fried potatoes? I seem to remember references to making
better oven fries by cooking the potatoes first on the stovetop and then finishing in the oven.-Elaine
Yes! Whenever I need to make a browned potato dish (potato wedges or potato cubes, for instance) I always par-cook the potatoes.
That makes it so much easier to get the outsides browned properly while also ensuring that the inside of the potato is cooked as well.
You can par-cook in the microwave or on the stovetop, and I wrote more about that in this post about making potato cubes.
Do you ever get tired of being the reasonable one? What are some of your thoughts to help manage this?
I thought of you and your readers this weekend when I found myself at the store and thinking “Why is it ALWAYS me who worries about the cost of things?”
Then I went to “Well, maybe I’ll stop worrying about it and just spend and my husband can be the one to rein back the spending.” but then that won’t get us anywhere good either because chances are he won’t!
Ultimately I know that this is my nature and I’m ok with it but it’s tiring sometimes. I don’t even like indulgence but yet somehow I feel like I should ‘get’ to be the one to indulge.
-Crunchy Cake
Well, once my divorce is finalized, I will be a single adult for the first time in my whole life. So, I will not have an issue with this because it will be...just me!
But yes, it can be kind of exhausting in the long run if you feel that you are always the one carrying the weight of being financially responsible, especially if you have two very different ideas of what financial responsibility looks like.
Dr. Corey Allan, a marriage podcaster, points out that in a relationship, there is a higher desire and a lower desire person in almost every aspect of life (adventure, travel, money-saving, giving, etc.)
And the person who has the higher desire for something will, by default, end up being the person who does the initiating/takes on the responsibility.
For instance, the spouse who likes to travel more will end up being the one who initiates/organizes travel.
The spouse who has a higher desire for adventurous food will end up being the one who looks for new recipes, new restaurants, or new grocery stores.
I don't know what things will look like for me in the future, but I am fairly sure that if I get remarried in the future, I still will be the person who is most concerned about saving money.
(Honestly, if I married someone even more frugal than me, I might get annoyed. Ha.)
I am probably always going to be the spouse who sweats the money stuff more, and I need to make peace with that!
That said, feelings of resentment are like a little warning bell that shouldn't be ignored.
So, if there are inequalities going on that are making you resentful, it's probably healthy to address those to see if the two of you can come up with some creative solutions.
For instance:
Could you set aside a little fun spending money for yourself, to help you feel like there is room to indulge a little?
And at the same time, could you set up a fun spending money account for your husband to help corral his spending a bit (with the agreement that the fun money account is all he's going to use for willy-nilly spending)?
If your relationship is healthy in other ways and has a good solid foundation of love, respect, and communication, then you guys can probably put your heads together and figure out a way to navigate this in a way that feels good to both of you.
Readers, do you have advice for CrunchyCake?
And feel free to have input on the other questions too. 🙂
P.S. If you have a question you'd like me to answer, you can leave it in a comment or you can email me (thefrugalgirl@gmail.com).
My mother, who would have turned 100 this year if still living, was adamant that a woman should receive a good education and be able to stand on her own two feet. She was widowed at the age of 35 and had two daughters that she raised on her own before meeting my father. After being widowed, she worked for one of the large contractors during the space race. She was terribly underpaid - as were most intelligent women at that time - but her little family was well-fed, safe, clothed and had a roof over their heads.
After she married my father, she had her own small business and helped my father run his. She believed in love and independence as do I. You never know where life may take you. You have given very good advice, Kristin.
@Bee, your mom must have been an amazing woman! I find her so inspiring.
@Bee, Like your mother, growing up my mother taught me that I always needed to be able to support myself because you never know what life is going to bring. She grew up extremely poor, especially after her father died when she was a toddler. She went on to support herself, me and my grandmother when she left my dad. So, it has always been important to me to be able to provide for myself and my family.
@Farhana,
She was wonderful! We take so much for granted as women. But our equality in the workforce and in politics is relatively new, my grandmother was a suffragette and my mother’s generation worked in a man’s world. In the South in the 80s and 90s, things were still challenging. I have a degree in economics. When I interviewed with a large accounting firm, I was asked if I could type!
@Beverly,
Your mother must have been a strong woman too. I wished I had listen to her more. Since she had me later in life, she died just before I was 40 I was just getting to really appreciate her special gifts and understand the challenges she had faced.
@Bee,
My mom also had to the bread winner for years after my dad had health issues stemming from WW2. Like Bee's mom, my mother was under paid for her job because she was a woman and did not have a college degree. Both my parents instilled in me the need to have a career path/skill set as an adult. Just in case. And we did the same for our girls. AND taught the boys to cook and clean and do laundry.
@Bee, your grandmother was a suffragette!!! I have goosebumps just thinking about this! What amazing women you have in your family, such a special blessing! I'm just so pleased to know you :).
I understand the sentiment of the groceries question! I am more prone to just buy the ingredients of what we need that week and nothing extra. When I was single, I almost never stored anything in my pantry or freezer that wasn’t going to be eaten within a week! I have stopped doing that since getting married and having kids, but I wonder if the person asking the question is more inclined to only buy what they will eat in a week.
This is the only blog on which I would tolerate even more ads because I fully support what you're doing!
@Maggie, I'll second that! This is the only blog I've read consistently for well over a decade. A few more ads will not stop me from returning.
Hi Kristin,
I am thinking once you get your nursing career going, you might consider being an inspirational speaker.
Aww, that's a nice compliment! I think I'm probably a lot better behind a keyboard than behind a mic, but hey, never say never. 🙂
In my first marriage I was definitely the more frugal one, but in my second marriage it's definitely my husband. Honestly it is a relief to not have to worry about $ so much, because I know my husband is always thinking about and aware of it. It has been annoying to me at times, but that has been very infrequent. Being financially prudent is important, but I do think it's important to splurge on yourself every once in awhile. Whether that means a new handbag, fancy coffee, special ingredient, or a fun trip I think wiggle room should be allowed for a little 'fun' money.
@Liz, I also wanted to add that being able to support myself in the event of something happening to my marriage or my husband was not something my parents stressed the importance of, and because of that I ended up staying in a very bad marriage much longer than I should have! It is so important to me that my kids have the ability to support themselves and a small family if needed! That doesn't necessarily mean a 4 yr degree, but some kind of education/training is so, so important! I was in a terrible position of being a single mom to three kids and also having to learn a new skill to provide for all of us all at the same time. I worked it out, but it was very challenging at times. I'll never let myself be in that position again!
I think it's important to be true to yourself. If you don't like being "the reasonable one," maybe try out being "the fun one" or "the carefree one" for a day or a weekend or whatever and see how it feels. I know that for me, I like to be practical, organized and sort of in charge. I don't feel happy and relaxed if I am unprepared, for example. So I reframe things in terms of "I am paying attention to the price of things because it makes me feel better to be aware rather than clueless about my spending." It gives me a sense of control over something that is only partially controllable, and that makes ME feel better. I try not to stress too much about whether others would do things the same way because I know I can only control myself (and even then, there are limits! Haha!) I don't know if that makes sense or is practical or not, but I guess I'm saying that thinking that way makes the answer to the question "Why do I always have to be the reasonable one?" sort of obvious: because I like being the reasonable one.
My father insisted my sister and I have a good education in a field that could support ourselves so we have something to fall back on "just in case". Well, 12 years into marriage and my husband left me... and I didn't get much in the way (if any) of child support and certainly no alimony. Thankfully, I could easily support myself & the kids on my income. In fact, as the more frugal spouse, financing my newly single life w/kids was cheaper/easier-lol. I've since remarried and surprisingly found a man significantly more frugal (but NOT cheap) than myself. I love it.
@sarah, you have given me some hope as I navigate some tricky circumstances that are similar to yours.
@Kaitlin, You can do this. You've got frugal skills and frugal friends rooting for you.
I got mixed messages from my parents. My parents were proud of our braininess, which would get us good jobs, but when I decided I wanted to be an artist and go to art school, my mother mocked me mercilessly. She imagined I'd be a starving artist living in a garret somewhere, wasting my brains. So I didn't go to art school. (My father did, actually, and never used his skills for anything. And then my daughter went to art school and my parents were very proud of her. I secretly thought she was wasting her brains, but I digress.)
My mother loved being a housewife, but also I could see that the person who earned the money had the ultimate power. She couldn't have provided for the four of us when her last work history was getting fired for being pregnant at the age of 19. I suppose she thought she'd be OK if she were widowed because the NYPD pension was pretty good, and she didn't expect to get divorced.
So I resolved always to work and in fact often made more money than my ex. I'm proud of that now.
@Rose, you've nailed it with your phrase 'the person who earned the money had the ultimate power". My parents had a good marriage but were of the generation where the man brings home the money and the wife was supposed to make do with what money was allotted to her. Mom worked in the school cafeteria when I was growing up, both to expand her social horizons and to get a little extra spending money while having a schedule that accommodated my school schedule. My older sisters had college educations but weren't able to get jobs which paid a reasonable rate despite their educations. I observed all of this and thought no, I'm not going to put myself in a place where I am financially reliant on a man. I've never cared about being financially wealthy, but being able to support myself and therefore not give a man control over me was hugely important. I continue to think that this is important--even if the husband/partner is a good and generous person, I think it brings confidence and peace of mind to know that you have the skillset to support yourself and your family, if need be.
It's not always the case. My mother almost never earned income after my father finished his education but she - for better or for worse (it really was both) - had a will of iron and the willingness to use it, and was definitely the one in charge.
@WilliamB, My mother also has a will of iron and was the one in charge of money and everything else--however, I certainly did see that if they split up, he was the wage earner, not her. (In fact, she put "lily of the field" as her occupation on their 1040 form.) I grew up in the 70s, when divorce and broken homes etc were big news. Fortunately my parents were happily married for 53 years.
And @Kris, yes re the spouse being a good person. They can change, though, ask me how I know.
And Kristen! Are you an Amazon affiliate? The amount you could make from my Amazon spending alone would probably pay your rent. (heh)
@Rose, same here regarding Amazon.
I will have to admit that I wondered the same thing about the groceries on the WIS posts. But that's coming from a place where I was suddenly and unwillingly thrust into buying groceries for one person, on one income, with all of my other expenditures being about the same (house note, etc.) I was staying in the $50 a week range which was doable, so your budget seems fantastic to me. That being said, now I have my adult son back home for a bit and I have offered to feed him dinner at night because its far easier to cook for two and I want to mom him a little. So I would say, $70 a week in now more in line with what we need. And if I could work from home, I so would, and I hope you will still blog after nursing school!
Part of the problem for me too has been that I've been starting from scratch; I'm sure my first year of food expenses here is higher than what it will be in the future. I had no spices and baking supplies and canned goods, no freezer full of meats and seasonal produce.
I have now amassed a bit of a backstock, and hopefully that'll reflect itself in my bills in the future!
@Kristen, I find the whole question odd. You don’t post all 3 meals plus snacks for all the members of your household, so how would a reader know what your budget vs usage is? Also you have kids with allergies and I have celiac kids many times the “cleaner” versions of every day items are way more expensive!
I feel your pain crunchy cake. I worry about what things cost as well. My husband and I just had to sit down this weekend and go over some financials. It was a hard talk as he does not like to talk about money with me. I think we hashed it out though! It was long overdue. I think open lines of communication are key. I struggle with this as well. I wonder sometimes if I don't emasculate my spouse when it comes to money. Something I need to work on.
@Jackie, If he feels emasculated by that, it seems like something he needs to work on also. I hope that, if/as you work on it together, you grow together as well.
For Reasons, I've had to learn a great deal about good communication skills in this phase of my life. It's not easy - I once joked about how much therapy it took to learn to keep my mouth shut for 10 seconds - but it's been enormously useful and empowering, and benefits me in both personal and professional life.
Yes, a woman must have a plan to support herself independently (without parents/ siblings/ spouse/ children, etc.). It's useful and liberating.
I'll remember the higher desire point :), it makes sense. It can be draining at times to always be the responsible one or the planner- like a foot soldier who must keep going on! But the truth is if you don't do it it won't get done ( I think Kristen said it in another post). To avoid burnout, I'd recommend only using your willpower/decision-making abilities carefully where it'll make a sizable difference as both have limits. Deleting small stuff, outsourcing what you can, and focusing only on the big things will help you keep going with a positive mindset. Oh, and a regular dose of taking breaks and having fun helps!
Thirty seven years ago before getting married my future husband and I took a class over several weeks on several topics. This was mandatory from the Catholic church. Is this still required??
We discussed the topic and at the end took a test. Or the other way around. Anyway one week was on money. We took the test individually and then shared answers. This was the only topic we received 100% with our shared answers matching.
At the time I thought this was a good thing but 37 years later I realize how very important that test was. We have weathered storms but money has never been an issue. That and our mutual love of travel has seen us through.
@karen, Oh and thanks for the update about the abandoned house. I think that was my favorite topic you blogged about.
That might be a good question, what was your favorite thing I blogged about and why.
I love your marriage advice!
I guess I figured that breakfast, lunch, snacks, ingredients like spices, all that also went into the WWS/WWA Friday posts. You know, those other things that end up in your cart because as you're going through the grocery store you remember "Oh, right, we need olive oil this week."
YEP. And man, when you are starting over from scratch, the spice situation really adds up!
@Molly, I agree with your thoughts. Each person's spending habits are different, as is what gets lumped under "groceries" in their budget. I have found that I do more of what I think of as "protective purchasing" since the pandemic--I try to stay well stocked on basic items (toilet paper ..... ) as a result of living through a time when important items were difficult to find and/or prohibitively expensive. Doing so sometimes results in a higher grocery bill, but the peace of mind it brings is a worthwhile trade-off. And no, I am not a hoarder, in case you were wondering. 🙂
@Kris, It's not just you! I used to wait until I was on the last roll of toilet paper and then buy a 12-pack (that's what I have space for), and now... I buy a 4-pack or 6-pack more often instead.
@Kristen, I love Penzey’s spices! You can get various sizes and refills of great quality spices. They also have occasional sales. Mostly Online ( and a fee retail stores). I really do think their quality/price are better than what you can buy in grocery stores.
@Jean, Penzeys is amazing! Thrilled to be back in northeast Ohio where they have a store!
@Jean, I like Penzey’s as well. And if you buy gift certificates on sale ($35 gets you a $50 certificate) the price is even better. You can buy a lot of the spices you use, and a little of those you don’t use as often. Also, the small “trial” packages of their blends are great gifts/stocking stuffers for cooks.
The part about higher desire and lower desire was really interesting. But completely true. I am the higher desire spouse for saving, travel and adventure. He is the higher desire spouse for giving (both time and money) and home improvement.
IT drives him batty that I don't want to volunteer anymore. Looking at it from that way makes me see that I am not alone in this.
Since Kristen is mostly feeding three, and sometimes four when Sonia visits, I figured her grocery bill was about right. I'm feeding one and I spend almost as much as her, although I am also stocking a bigger freezer than I used to have.
Crunch Cake, I soooo feel you. My husband didn't worry about money, while I felt like I was carrying this huge burden alone of worrying over our budget when money was extremely, anxiety-inducing tight. We finally started discussing money without arguing as the years passed, but honestly, the biggest help was when we finally started earning more money so that bills got covered, we could finally build savings, and we both could have a little cash to spend as we wished.
My parents encouraged my sisters and me to get an education or job training so that we could support ourselves. Divorce was still uncommon then, but we all knew spouses can die, and one needed to be prepared - my dad's mother died young, and my mother's grandfather had died young, leaving her grandmother to take in washing to support herself and her young kids. We also knew having a spouse wasn't guaranteed. My dad's two sisters and one of his brothers never married, and supported themselves their entire lives. My mother was a SAHM until I was a teen, then she worked part time, but she foresaw that being a SAHM wouldn't be in our futures.
My surviving grandmother and all of my aunts, married or not, worked outside the home, as did our married next door neighbor, who was a nurse. The women in the 50's and 60's weren't all June Cleaver 🙂
I’m surprised that someone commented on how much you were spending on groceries/cleaning/household goods! I guess I would never comment on that. That same person would probably be shocked that I spend $35-$100 per week on groceries as a single person in the Midwest ( some weeks are low and some stock up weeks are high).
Growing up my parents had a pantry that was well stocked. They grocery shopped weekly but would stock up on things when there were sales.
I personally had a decent pantry of food before Covid but now I have a little more than that. I’m trying to eat it down but I’m glad I have some of the stuff I do because it’s helped keep spending low lately and there has been a lot of snow this year so it helps that I don’t have to panic or worry about food before the impending storms.
@Ali in the midwest, I’m single in the Midwest, but also make a big family dinner every Sunday and cook for my folks once a week so my budget is “padded”! And I like to keep my freezer and pantry stocked so I can skip grocery shopping for a few days BECAUSE I DO NOT LIKE IT!!!
@Carol G, I am with you about I DO NOT LIKE IT! My husband keeps us stocked up on fresh produce and milk (mostly just for his coffee) from the local overpriced grocery store. I do a huge stock-up about every 6-7 weeks at Winco, the cheapest store around, about 35 miles away. I DO NOT LIKE IT, but every 6-7 weeks certainly beats once a week. Often neighbors will ask if I need anything between my big trips, and I always ask for eggs.
Thanks for the good advice, FG and everyone!
I think when I asked the question, I had just ended what felt like weeks of exerting efforts that ultimately tired me out and feeling like it was always me (not just with my spouse but with "everything") - getting to the party early and leaving late to help set up and tear down, watching other people's kids because the parents don't seem to be paying attention, worrying about the price of produce while my husband didn't seem to, eating and feeding my family sensibly...it just kind of added up to some mental fatigue. I've always been the reasonable one. It's just who I am and while I like that about myself and I'm comfortable with it, I think I was feeling worn out and yes, resentful.
I'm lucky that in my marriage, he thinks of the big picture stuff and I manage the day to day. If he didn't push us to do more, we'd never go anywhere or be better than what we are today. And I weren't here to actually get things done, they would all be dreams. As FG said, high desire takes the lead but sometimes it's tiring.
@CrunchyCake, I like your "he thinks of the big picture stuff and I manage the day to day," because it's a pretty good description of how my DH and I approached things. As an example, it was DH who said about the burned-out crazy cat lady house next door, "We're gonna buy the @#$%!! and tear it down." (And I said, "You're on!") But if I wasn't keeping track of the small stuff, we might not have been able to do this.
And I too was raised with the idea that a woman ought to be able to support herself no matter what. Too many D's out there: death, divorce, dementia (or other disabling conditions), and (economic) depression in general.
@CrunchyCake, I'm happy to help support you here! We all have days or weeks like that and I, for one, rest just a little easier knowing that if I shared it here, I would get a lot of support and validation.
@A. Marie, Drugs. One of my friends' husbands decided smoking crack was preferable to being a husband and father.
@Rose, Ha
While my husband and I are both pretty frugal and that has made a lot of money things easier, we have walked with two of our close friends who have major money differences. One is a saver, one is a big spender (usually on big-ticket items). Some things that have been helpful for them are open conversations and goal setting. It seems like 2-3 times a year they have to have a big heart-to-heart discussion about what's working with their finances, what's not, and what they need from the other person, but I do sense that they are starting to have a lot more smaller conversations throughout the year.
This year they have a goal of paying off their house. They have a list in their kitchen of the things that they're saving for or want to pay off and how much money they need for each item. They've prioritized the list and having a common goal has really been helpful for them.
I was a low paid single parent for years in the 70s and 80s. No one even pretended that women should make a living wage. If you had a degree you had somewhat of a chance. If you didn't you mainly had low pay office jobs. That was me. I was a bookkeeper.
On the plus side, I had two things going for me. 1. My ex-husband had a serious alcohol problem, but when he worked I got my child support. 2. But the bigger asset was that I had tons of common sense and imagination. We had great holidays and birthdays. I knew how to milk the community for cheap stuff. We had a $1.00 theatre in town. I made their worn out pants into shorts. I'm certain my kids never knew what a small income I had.
@Anne, I love survival stories in general but ones like yours, involving kids being cared about despite hardship, especially. You are an awesome mom!
@Erika JS, thanks so much. That means a lot to me. I could go on for days about having fun with the kids on the cheap, cheap, cheap.
@Anne, CUTOFFS! Those were my summer clothes: my winter pants, cut off. Do any kids have cutoffs now? I doubt it.
@Rose,
Mine do. Cut off hand me downs at that.
@Becca, I just made cut-offs for me from some worn out jeans last week! I had forgotten the term until I just couldn't bear to toss those pants.
@Central Calif. Artist, @Becca,@Anne -yeah, cutoffs. Mine were handmedowns from my sister. And my little brother who grew 6 inches one year (his poor knees) and I got his pants- which had first been hemmed up, then down, so had three fold lines. We cut them off about 4 inches below the knee and made a wide hem that I threaded with a thin elastic - wore them as knickerbockers and thought I was SOOOO cool. Mind you, it was the mid-70's, we could be cool in faded corduroy knickers....
Today, I am wearing a really old pair of jeans (fitted me as I gained weight until I went past them, are fitting me again on the way down, LOL). The thigh above the knee on one side is forming a worn hole. I am contemplating patching it however I suspect that it might not be worth the effort as the fabric is so soft it is getting pretty thin. Might end up with some LONG shorts for the summer - hope I need a belt by then!
Just wanted to jump in quickly. GREAT, important advice to women: get the education and/or skills that make you employable! One never knows what life may bring and there is peace of mind knowing you can support yourself/others if needed. Education/skills give you OPTIONS and that is important at any stage/circumstance of life.
Also, having education/skills means you can bring "more to the table" of your marriage, and also is so important for self-esteem.
This was one of your BEST blogs yet and the comments were very interesting to read.
Thank you to you all!
Count me among those who are not at all bothered by the ads here….though I am in other places. Yours reflect your tone of engaging friendliness, they don’t blare. I wouldn’t be put off by a few more.
Hm, it never seemed like your grocery total is too high. You’re feeding at least three persons, four when Sonia stops over. And you once said that Lisey's boyfriend is there "a lot."
The abandoned house is really coming along. I like that there’s no timetable for completion. Your brother is very industrious! I like seeing the abandoned house evolution but I like hearing about your lovely family members just as much.
One way to address the lower/higher issue is by the lower desire person doing a service for the higher desire person. For example "I don't mind dishes next to the sink but since my sweetie prefers them in the dishwasher, I will load dirty dishes as I go."
This won't work with everything but it's lovely when it does and shows consideration and good will, which not only is good for themselves but also makes the next bump in the road easier to navigate.
@WilliamB, Yes.
@WilliamB, yup. yup. yup. It has taken me too many years in too many unequal relationships to realize that having a partner who is too self centred to make those gestures of love...(It doesn't bother me so I am damned if I am going to make an effort for you) is exhausting. I am worth more than that and I deserve to be treated well, especially I deserve a partner who knows that many times an actual EFFORT needs to be made to ensure that there is equality in the home.
Have to say it is much easier to be alone, these days, and boyoboyoboy my bank account is happier.... never saw the drain on my finances until I was no longer picking up ALL the tabs in ALL the purchases.... Older? yup. Wiser? sure hope so!
I hear you on the high-desire/low-desire aspect of where to spend money. Our grocery budget is quite on the high side, but we don’t eat out often so our total food spending is not that crazy. A few things have helped us roughly stay on a grocery budget is to set a menu, to plan for snacks, and that I do all the routine grocery shopping. We have learned that even with a list, my husband is lured by other enticing things at the grocery store. I used to be very anti-snack food but it’s been beneficial for our happiness to have a small stash of healthy-ish snacks and actually prevents impulse buys. Also, when my husband travels for work in the summer which is usually a week or more at a time, he does a grocery store stock-up that he has complete control over, which keeps him happy. Please know that this didn’t just miraculously happen, it is something we have worked out over the 20-plus years of our relationship — there were a lot of disagreements and challenges along the way.
I’ve been thinking your grocery costs were low!
As a SAHM, I definitely have fears regarding supporting myself and my kids. For a long time, it would have cost more for me to work than to be home, plus I wanted to be home and felt overwhelmed with adding more responsibilities. I’ve never found a way of earning money from home that was a good fit for me. Recently, I did get a part-time job, after 12 years of being unemployed. It doesn’t pay much, and I’m still not sure how I’d support myself and my family if needed, but feel having something on my resume is at least a start.
@JenRR, And you now have work references!
Yet we can hope your fears do not come true.
As a side note, as I hadn't heard of them until much later than I should have, I like to point out that there is in the states an IRA account for spouses, where money from the salary-making spouse is put into an account for the non-salary-making spouse. Having something to call one's own retirement is a good thing. One of the frightening things to me about not having worked is not having retirement money.
@Heidi Louise, Thank you. I’m happy to say, I do have a small retirement account in my name. Back when I had a full-time job, I was taking advantage of employer matching benefits to increase my savings. I don’t think my husband’s employer will allow money to be directly deposited into my account, but I will have to double-check.
@JenRR, Small retirement accounts left alone can do good things!
I suspect, but certainly do not know, that you would have to set up a new account, a Spousal IRA, and that might not go through an employer, because IRAs might be set up by the individual. Anyway, good luck!
Everyone needs employable skills to support themselves. The more sophisticated the skills the higher the standard of living. You choose your standard of living when you gain those skills and even better if you are partnered with an equally skilled person.
This logic seems lost on a lot of people.
So I am not sure I have ever commented (after lurking for maybe 10 years??)- but after reading this today, I feel like I had to say a couple things: 1) I love this marriage advicce- not from a frugal stand point, but from any issue: I have been frustrated about an aspect of our marriage for a while, but the reality is- if it is frustrating me- I am probably the higher desire one and should take on the responsibility instead of assuming he will step up and care! That is a great mind set shift! 2) I worked for maybe 10 years before getting married, and we now have 4 kiddos. I worked in the job placement industry, and I would see women come in all the time who had no work history for 10-15 years and they would just struggle to find work. From simply a "resume" perspective- it is so important when you go to find another job to have a decent work history, and that only happens if you commit to having employment, (if only part time that can be scaled up!).
As a family we all had chores and we all got an allowance. Yes, even the adults. The amounts of both chores and allowances depended on the age of the family member.
@Linda Sand, brilliant idea!
Kristen, thank you so much for answering these! I really enjoy your practical, thoughtful responses.
And you're absolutely right about always having an income-producing job, besides the 'usual.' The Brick has been retired now for 8 years. Our main income is still his pension plus Social Security -- but my writing, teaching/judging (only occasionally now) and appraising has helped fill in an awful lot of holes...and some of them were pretty large.
So -- for taking care of yourself via this blog -- you go, Girl. Proud of you. But I also think you should take advantage of any help you're eligible for along the way. Like scholarships for nursing school. Single moms do have some financial help out there -- I'm sure of it.
I signed up to follow your sister-in-law's Instagram. I'd like to buy a house like that and renovate it. (I know -- totally nuts.) And I'll explain about the groceries, but need to make an emergency stop at the dentist. A new crown ($3000!) and a toothache that's probably another crown, as well. Another 'hole' for my work to fill in.
Still here, and still reading...
@CINDY BRICK, PEO International (a women’s organization that provides scholarships, loans, grants, etc for women’s education) is a great financial source for women - especially those who have had a break in education. Google it.
Regarding the feelings of resentment that can arise when you feel like you are doing all the heavy lifting on something, like finances, I always find it helpful to look at the entire set of responsibilities to remind myself that I may do the lifting on some things, but the husband does them for others. (Of course, there are some marriages where one person is doing almost all or even all of the lifting, but I am not talking about those situations.) For example, I have periods where I get annoyed because I do all the financial stuff in the relationship (which is silly because I would never allow someone else to be in charge since I get too anxious if I don't know where every penny is going. So I have what I want, control, and I still get annoyed. What an idiot.). And before Covid we travelled a lot and I did all the planning for that, again getting annoyed sometimes. When I said something to the husband, he said he thought I liked to be in control and he was happy to get his marching orders from me to make the trips actually happen. I realized he was right---we drive from Alaska to the East Coast about every 18 months and all I do is make sure we have the money and tell him where I want to stop on the way and he makes sure we get there. He makes sure the vehicle is road ready, maps the actual routes, packs the vehicle, makes sure my wheelchair is ready if I need it and that we have an extra battery for it. Pretty much all I do is pull out what I want to take (and he packs it because he is a very efficient packer) and I make sure we and the dog (who always goes with us on driving trips) have food. So, assuming the relationship is balanced overall, overcoming being annoyed might be a matter of reminding yourself what the other person does that you do not want to do. Before we married, the husband and I talked about what the word marriage meant to each of us. I talked about sharing burdens and joys. He said he thought of marriage as two people being of service to each other to make life better for each other. (I do remember thinking this is what I get for falling for someone with a doctorate in theology, talk about being of service. But I didn't have any better idea so I signed on for his version of marriage.) Over the years, how we are of service to each other changes, and if one of us needs something else we say so and make adjustments in who does what. That mindset may not work for others, but it works for us. I remember telling my father about this notion and he said, in his heavy accent and with a snort, "Service is when I bring home the paycheck and you turn it into food." The same father who thanked my husband for taking the responsibility for me off his hands---I was 31 when we married!
One more thing about potatoes, besides parboiling them: it's a splurge saved for special occasions, but fancy fat like duck fat or goose fat makes potatoes out of this world. It's expensive to buy so I save it for holidays and birthdays etc.
I mean, use the fat for roasting or frying. Not for topping cooked potatoes.
@Rose, you’re so right about the taste difference. Our son makes duck confit then roasts potatoes in the resulting duck fat. The taste is out of this world, like a different vegetable.
Years ago my husband & I gave each other a weekly allowance. It's grown now that we're debt-free empty nesters but during the really lean years it was so nice to have money we didn't have to be accountable to each other for. It started at $4 a week back in the 1990s.
@Jenny Young, exactly the same here. I think we had $10 a week back in the '80s. We are also retired empty nesters now and, in comparison, have tons of money with which we have been able to be generous with our children and grandkids.
@Jenny Young, that sounds so considerate even when means were limited.
@Jenny Young, agreed! We started doing this after our house sold -- it's currently $20/monthly each for the Brick and yours truly. Doesn't sound like much, but I have fun trying to stretch it. We call it our "allowance."
I guess my ideas come from my grandmother and mother. My grandfather died when he was in his early 40s and my grandmother was about 40. My mother was 21, so she was grown up at an age when 21 year olds were grown up. My grandmother did eventually remarry but not for a while. She and her husband ran a restaurant but she had her own savings. I always worried about being a 1-income family if something should happen to my husband, not just death but also illness, injury. And also, by nature, I am the saver. He is a spender, which can be an issue. My feeling is that he always figured "we" would have a job, I worried about one of us losing a job. When we bought a house, the amount of house was based on 1 income. This was beneficial because energy costs and taxes then are based on 1 income. Those beautiful big houses would have been nice but ..... Something I read yesterday was be satisfied with what you have and I am. My walks in nature with my different walking groups fulfill me at this later stage in my life. Not expecting to, I have always worked. In fact, I returned to work, minimally, in the past couple of years after an 8 year retirement. I really like my young co-workers.
I am wondering why we never hear about your son. You do have one right? I think.
@Marinell Crippen,
Strange== You wrote that question last week on the Q&A, and clearly didn't go back and read the answers there.
@Marinell Crippen, Do you have some agenda besides causing Kristen pain? Are you an acquaintance of hers or her soon to be ex? Because harping on this every week is not OK. Family estrangements happen*, they suck, and Kristen has been open and honest and kind about it.
*In my family too. Time to text my brother, "hey, could you contact Mom, you know she has colon cancer now, RIGHT?" sigh.
@Heidi Louise, lol
I handle 99% of the finances, hubs hates to deal with it. The only thing we disagree on is he likes to buy something new every year with a motor. We are finally down to 3 cars (there are only 2 of us). Most of the expenses we agree on. He is a spender, I am a saver.
We are cleaning out our parents house after both passed. I did not visit often because I could not listen to her constant complaining about him. While looking through some paperwork I found a letter mom wrote to my dads sister (obviously not sent) and she explained he had total control of the money, he would never spend for nights out and he gave her a limited grocery money. She could not afford to live on her own. She was SAHM with 6 kids and worked part time in janitorial once we were in school. I was sad to realize that I did not understand her circumstances. She clearly did not have the life she has envisioned. Education and job skills are so important.
I love this blog and the interesting comments each post generates. I am delighted that you can live on the income this blog generates. I have been reading for years and will continue as I find so much value in your content.
Thank you for the update on the hoarder home—wow! That took some work and a few dumpster fills to clean out.
I have worked most of my 25 years of married life and now we have two small kids to raise. I am grateful, I have a career that can support us if the need were there. My husband and I have also invested in our home (low mortgage and almost paid off), 401 plans, rainy day savings, 503b for college, and insurance in the case one or both of us were to not exist. It is a crucial conversation to have and to plan for. If divorce were to be in our future, these things would help us both transition from a family to two entities, so it is not wasted effort.
Remember—a man is NOT a financial plan!
I don’t appreciate the question about your food spending. Honestly, that felt a bit judgmental. I could not feed my family of 4 in northern CA with what you spend. Milk is $6 for the organic stuff, a dozen eggs are $5-7. Besides, it is no one’s business but mine to define what is/feels frugal and what is within my budget to spend. We also feed my mom, friends and pick up toiletries, paper products, alcohol and other stuff on our food budget. I, am still bothered by the question…it is not for anyone to judge.
@Diana, I took it more as being interested in what someone else spends. I like hearing the amounts because it gives me a sense of what things cost outside of Alaska.
What a cute picture of you two 🙂
I think your goal of being self supporting is such a good one -I wish I'd been smarter when I was younger! I am able to support myself now, and it turned out not to be an utter necessity earlier when things were challenging but I'd have been a lot more comfortable if I wasn't dependent on someone I didn't trust. Lesson learned! My children all learned it for sure.
That said I'm delighted you've had so many resources to take care of yourself and your girls.
Brava!
Hi, Kristen.
Do you get a higher return on the ads if we click on them. (Sorry my question mark won’t appear.)
I’d love to know more about breakfast, lunch and snacks too.
Generally, no; most ads these days just pay per view. So no need to click on them! 🙂
Ugh, that house. . . I can just imagine how it must smell! Your brother is very ambitious and must have a good vision for the place.
A food pantry can be a help in these types of situations. Grocery stores use them as write offs and you can always donate what you don’t use.
Glad you’re pulling through without any alimony because that seems a little unfair that a judge didn’t rule that some type of alimony needed to be paid. Seems like women often get the short end of the stick after staying home to raise kids and the marriage dissolves.
Kristen, is there anything your readers can do to cause your income from the blog to increase? I am willing to click on some of those little busy boxes if that gives you more kickback.
Are your children living with you? Are you receiving child support or will you be once your divorce is finalized?
Two of them are living with me, yes. The other questions, I can't answer right now because the process is ongoing (and it will not surprise anyone to know that opposing counsel is reading everything I write here.)
I'll have to reserve reading al of these lovely comments (as usual) until I have a few extra minutes. For now, I just want to observe that your brother's house was built in a time when things like lead pipes and asbestos were commonly used, as evidenced by the outlines of the 9" x 9" shadows of the recently removed tiles. For the sake of all of your health, I hope this work is proceeding with proper protection and disposal. We don't want any of you to risk your health!
Years ago we agreed on an amount of money that my husband and I each got monthly to spend as we wished. It’s varied from 10% of our paychecks down to $100 a month, depending on what other financial responsibilities we have. It has saved a lot of resentful feelings when he wants another new electronic gadget or I want to splurge on yarn, or go to lunch with friends. One of our best decisions ever.
After many, many, many years of shopping for groceries weekly, we started shopping monthly during the pandemic, like many other folks. I discovered I loved it! Saved us time for sure, but also money on the grocery bill since we weren’t grabbing a bag of chips or cookies or whatever on impulse when in the store. We live in a small town and have 2 grocery options- a warehouse type store and a Safeway so not much savings to be had by shopping around at different places. We’ve settled at about every 3 weeks now, with one trip in between for fruit, vegetables, and milk. We have a freezer full of protein (local beef bought from the rancher, local chicken bought from the farm, local fish bought from the boat) so unless we want pork or lamb for a change, we don’t buy meat at the grocery which makes it easier. We also have frozen fruit (either picked locally or commercial) and a few bags of frozen veg in the freezer to stretch between shopping if we run low. I keep a fairly decent pantry stash of grains, pasta, tuna, canned tomato products, canned and dry beans. I find it stress-relieving to know that we are fine for a couple of weeks if I’m swamped at work, or we don’t feel well, or an avalanche closes the road.