Nothing is all good. And nothing is all bad.
(As a rule. There are probably exceptions.)
I'm not sure exactly why, but this is something I've been thinking about a lot of late.
For whatever reason, sometimes I inadvertently buy into the idea that there's such a thing as, say, a house that is all good and no bad.
Or a marriage that is all good and no bad.
Or a job that is all good and no bad.
Or a family that is all good and no bad.
(one could go on and on...a totally good church, a totally good car, a totally good friend, a totally good schedule, a totally good stage of life.)
But what I am realizing more and more is this: that there is really nothing that's all good or all bad.
EVERYTHING has upsides and downsides.
For instance, I've now been a parent for 17 years, which means I've experienced quite a few stages of parenting. And while I prefer some stages more than others, none of them were 100% good and none of them were completely bad.
I've lived in three places as an adult, and while I definitely do prefer owning a home to living in a basement apartment, even the apartment wasn't all bad (the $425 monthly payment was pretty fabulous!)
And owning a home comes with its own set of downsides.
Our family has operated on work schedules all around the clock due to Mr. FG's job, and while some of the weird ones weren't my favorite, they did all have their own particular advantages and disadvantages.
Singleness is hard. Marriage is hard.
Parenthood is hard. Not being a parent is hard.
Staying home is hard. Having a job is hard.
Working at home is hard. Working outside the home is hard.
(And all of those things also have good aspects too.)
So.
Nothing is all good. And nothing is all bad.
There are two ways this realization helps me.
First, the fact that my life has bad parts does not mean that something is terribly, horribly wrong.
It means that things are normal.
I'm not saying we should idly sit back and never work on fixing the problems in our lives, or that there are never situations that are indeed horribly wrong.
What I am saying is that we shouldn't think the sky is falling if we hit marital bumps, have troubles with our kids, dislike things about our houses, wish we had more money, and so on.
Nothing in this broken world is perfect, and the sooner we remember this, the easier it will be to find contentment in our current circumstances.
Second, it helps me not to endlessly chase after something that doesn't exist.
This is really about making my expectations realistic.
I will never find a house with no problems. Or relationships with no problems. Or a job with no problems. Or a car with no problems. Or a schedule with no problems. Or an educational method with no problems. Or a climate with no problems.
I might be able to improve on some of those things (Mr. FG's current schedule certainly beats the one where he started at 3:00 am!), but nothing will ever be perfect and I could ruin a lot of relationships and spend a lot of money trying to find something that has no downsides.
Everything and everyone has problems to varying degrees.
And on the flip side, everything and everyone has good aspects in varying degrees.
The Tuesday-Saturday shift gave us a handy-dandy day off together on Mondays.
Our babies kept us up at night, but the sleeping-baby-on-my-chest snuggles were pretty awesome.
We had pretty fussy toddlers, but they were cute and hilarious when they weren't fussing.
It's a little nerve-wracking to have Joshua driving by himself, but it's also super handy to not have to ferry him to and from work.
So.
What does this all mean, practically speaking?
Well, when we accept that our lives are something like a patchwork quilt, with easy and hard patches, that can help us enjoy the good times and get through the bad times.
When things are good, we can live in the moment and soak it all in. We know we won't always feel this happy, but when we're in an upswing, we can make the most of it.
Was your spouse especially sweet to you? Enjoy it, even if they're not sweet 100% of the time.
Did you have a great day at work? Revel in it, even if your job isn't always awesome.
Did your toddler have a not-so-fussy day/moment? Well, thank you, Jesus!
When things are hard, we can avoid the all-or-none thinking that says, "Something hard happened, so now my day/life/marriage/family is ruined. If only I had the perfect day/life/marriage/family that everyone else has..."
(When what's probably true is that you just hit a hard patch, like everyone else does, and it's not going to last forever. Sonia was sad her flower got broken, but the pain hasn't haunted her for the rest of her life. 😉 )
Plus, if we know life is a patchwork of good and bad, even in the midst of hard things, we can look for the good that we know is hiding somewhere.
So.
Look for the good.
Appreciate the good when you see it.
And remember that when you experience hard things, you are in good company because we are all in the same boat, living lives that are neither all good or all bad.
I love seeing the old pictures! You have a beautiful family.
This is so true! I have a tendency to romanticize the past sometimes and wish I could go back in time. I forget about the difficulties I had during those eras. I am always having to remind myself that every season has its great things and difficulties. This helps me to live in the present....especially knowing one day I'm going to be looking back at these days and wishing I could go back.
Well. This was spectacular. As I get older, I find that attitude is pretty much the most important thing I can work on, and surrounding myself with people who have a good one (at least most of the time . . .) affects my own. So I surround myself--in the modern, Internet-based sense--by people like you, because then I can read this and remember that my life is pretty dang good, even when sometimes it feels hard. Thank you for this. Your words have an impact on a lot of people, I'm sure, including me.
Thank YOU for your encouraging words!
Well said.
Amen!
I try to live by what I call the 80% rule.
It was a "rule" that my mum explained to me when I was going through a rough patch at work: the best you'll ever get in a job is that you like it 80% of the time.
If it's less than that, keep looking. If it're at or near that, enjoy it!
Maybe I should keep that in mind for my home life...
I love this, thank you!
very thought provoking article!! I also always enjoy your family pictures : )
This was just what I needed today! Honestly, the perfect thing to read as I've been feeling down about things not going the best lately. Thanks so much. Love your blog!
I like this post very much, thank you. It's a great reminder that something in our lives will always present a challenge, no matter our circumstances.
Thank you! The hardest part is to connect with people and realize we all have a different set of problems, when all we see is the thing they have no problems where we struggle. Also, it's hard to know when to accept a situation and when to work for change, realizing things will never be perfect.
This post is fantastic. An important reminder for me. Thanks for sharing your life so honestly. There are many bloggers with bigger followings (although yours is pretty great!), but none that I relate to as well as this one.
With a kid who is about to turn 1, I am enjoying the time I'm having with her but I would be lying if I said there aren't times I miss being without a kid. And I know people will say that's terrible but when your kid is screaming her head off at 2AM because she lost her pacifier you do tend to long for those days when a good night's sleep actually happened.
Yes, so when people say things like, "Enjoy every moment of her babyhood!", they are being unrealistic. There are unenjoyable things about babies.
And by the same token, it's not like every moment is misery either. There are adorable, heart-melting moments mixed in with the screaming and the not sleeping. It's all a mixed bag, and every stage of parenting thus far has been like that!
Exactly. It was even easier at the 3-4 month part when you could just put her in the Rock and Play and she'd entertain herself for hours. She's now at the constant attention phase which can be really difficult and my house shows it since we don't always have the time to be tidy.
That said, it's pretty awesome when I get home from work and my daughter gets all excited when she sees me.
Amen! It is SO EASY to assign labels. This is good or that is bad. It is black or white. It takes NO EFFORT to judge and label things. It is harder to admit to shades of grey. To me, it is all about balance. I take people as packages. There are things you like and things you don't and if you want the person, you have to accept the whole package!
Thank you for this! I needed this perspective THIS very morning. I've locked my keys in my van at work. And I've got 5 million things to do today. So I'm feeling like 'its going to be one of those days'. I'm suppose to be at my son's award ceremony in a little while and I was just really aggravated. But after reading this, I realize how blessed I am! I am very proud of my son for his accomplishment and that my oldest daughter can swing by here and pick me up & we can attend his ceremony together. My husband will come by later and unlock my van and I'll finish my busy day up. Key's get locked in cars...I'm not going to let it ruin my day.
A number of years ago someone asked me what I thought of my job. "Most of the time I like the work, I like the people I work with, I think my boss is pretty good, and I like the people I support." Then I paused, then said "Oh crap. It's all downhill from here."
I think of this when the obverse is true - when the work, or the people, or the commute are not good. If it was all downhill from the good situation, then it's only going to get better from the bad one.
Or, as my grandmother used to say "Good, bad, or indifferent, tomorrow it will change."
Great saying!
Thank you for writing this post. You put down in words what I have been feeling for a long time.
Philosophy is not frugal living
Not exactly. But when you think correctly about things, that can help you live frugally. Contentment is a huge part of living frugally, and when you realize that nothing is ever 100% perfect, that can help you be content with what you have.
If we think perfection is out there if we just spend enough money or time trying to reach it, then we will exhaust ourselves and our financial resources. But when we realize that everything is a mixture of good and bad, it's easier to be content with what we already have.
LOVE this response. Not sure if LL was intending a serious criticism or just attempting humor, but either way, I think more than anything else, frugal living is a mindset, and this post, and this comment are perfect illustrations of that.
Her title is: The Frugal Girl, cheerfully living on less. This post completely falls under that heading.
Great post Kristen! I was up all night feeling anxious about sprinklers, of all things. Your words spoke right to me. Have a good day!!
Also, the subtitle of this blog is "~cheerfully~ living on less."
Great wisdom, but so difficult for us perfectionists.
And also remember that those never ending boring days are the good ones in life. Another day at work, another day ferrying kids around, another day of cooking, another day of squabbling children. They are the good days, the ones you will remember with fondness in years to come. They are not the jewel days of a spectacular holiday or other event, nor the panicky worry days of illness or change or whatever.. It is so hard to be grateful for those boring days when you're in them, but in the long run, they are the best!
I agree! I almost said the same thing. Having a child with a medical condition that can become life threatening without notice has taught me to cherish boring, quiet days.
Oh my gosh, so true. We have a son (a wonderful and sweet boy) with special needs and never before did I realize a) what a blessing health really is and b) how enjoyable a peaceful day could be. Between the needs he had as a little guy and caring for his younger brothers and managing our business...I thought I might be losing my mind. Wishing your child the best, KimN!
Thank you! Wishing yours the best as well.
I usually think like this as well. Last year I had a miscarriage and surgery two days before Thanksgiving. I also had one eleven years before that, the first time I was pregnant. But the reality is that it made me so thankful for the girl and boy that I have because they are two miracles! And maybe I realize more now just how blessed I really am! I found that personal growth truly happens during extremely painful times!
My way of thinking about the same thing is: We don't have heaven here on earth, and it's useless to expect it. We have to wait for perfection.
Seriously, all you have to do is listen to NPR for one day, and you will be so grateful for your life here in America.
We call it the tides of life.................ebbs and flows.............: )
Thank you for this! For me a refreshing reminder! I've been trying to lift myself up after the death of both my parents within 3 months of each other and this perspective really helps me.
Sorry for your loss, Sue!
Oh my, Sue! That is such a hard thing. Much love to you.
Disagree! My worldview is full of exceptions. So many that I don't think they count as exceptions that prove the rule. Yes there is a lot of grey out there, but there's also plenty of black and white.
I knew you would. 😉
Thank you for this post! I need to be reminded of this truth! 🙂
This is so true!! My husband and I had a rough first few years of marriage. He had four back surgeries in a year, I was in a car accident, I lost my job. None of that was great. BUT we didn't have any children at the time which meant that caring for him after surgery wasn't nearly as hard as it could have been. AND I think it really helped us grow in our marriage early on, and things are overall pretty smooth now even with a toddler in tow. Life is a mix of good and hard, but usually I learn the most from the hard stuff. So even that has its silver lining!
I needed to hear this today. 🙂 We've been having a rough week (nothing bad in particular has happened, just a lot of little things), and it's easy to get down.
If life were perfect all the time, I think I would be completely bored. It's important to solve the problems that inevitably come up on a daily basis, but I think the absence of problems can be harmful.
I'm trying to practice more mindfulness while we're on the journey to FI. It's very challenging, but so rewarding.
Good article. I think the same way, but I don't think I could have phrased it as well. I know a woman who has been married five times, and is still looking for that ideal marriage that ends happily ever after. I know a man who has been married four times, with the same issue. If all that searching for "all good" doesn't affect one's finances, tell me what does?
My mom had a favorite saying, and she said it so often I cross-stitched it for her and she hung it on the wall: "When God closes a door, He opens a window." It might be simplistic, but she said it reminded her that change always occurs and new things always come along. It's never all good or all bad.
Wow, Kristen, this is a WONDERFUL post.....and something that I really needed to read right about now. Things are kind of topsy-turvy around our home right now. Just when we think things will be ok, turns out we have to try something else that is not exactly ideal. Because of this post, I can now think a bit differently about things that are happening around here. Thank you. 🙂
Wow! I know what you mean! x
Wise and wonderful words! Thank you!
I was so moved by your post, I thought I have to respond. I did not realize I would find more wonderful words when I hit "comments". Now all my thoughts have been put into words and I don't have to do anything. Love to you and your family.
The times I have forgotten the reality that nothing is all good or all bad, I have made some stupid decisions...like walking out on a job I really loved and that paid extremely well, simply because I had had a few bad weeks in a row. I cringe to think how immature I was. This is a motto I should have had hanging on my wall since birth, because my entire life I have struggled not to see things/do things in extremes. Luckily I married a very even-keeled man who has rubbed off on me so I am not as stupid as I used to be.
This is such a great post. I think what you are saying in this is so true but just not always realized.
Such an awesome post.
Thank you Kristen! A timely post!
So am I all bad when I gave you one teeny tiny bit of criticism...and it was the first time you've ignored me. 🙁 But I still love your blog...the good and the bad.
Heh, well, if you saw the number of other unanswered emails in my inbox, you'd know it wasn't personal! 😉 I wanted to write a slightly longer response to your email and so then it got pushed to the back burner (if I can answer something fast, I usually knock it out right away).
Oh ok. 🙂
Hi Kirsten,
Your post reminds me of the book Olivia Joules & the Overactive Imagination. The main character has funny yet deep "Rules for Living", and one of them is "Nothing is either as good or as bad as it seems".
If you're looking at some light reading at some point this year or later, you could check if your library has it. It's from Helen Fielding. It's a fun book, but I like the deeper meanings as well 🙂
Take care!
Oh, I'll have to look for that!
One of my favorite quotes is ;
"Not every day is good, but there is something good in every day."
I remind my kids and myself of this whenever the day isn't going well, it helps to search for the good things that have happened. Always helps turn the day around!
Absolutely agree. You are a wise woman.
If there were not bad times the good wouldn't good.
You're so sweet. Your parents must be so proud.
kristen, a timely post which reduced me to tears. we've recently temporarily relocated thousands of miles from our families, our youngest child is going through a horrendously difficult stage and worst of all my father is very very poorly in hospital. your words reminded me that things can be very hard but there will be happy times again x
Sending love to you! I hope things start looking up for you soon.
Try as I might, I cannot find anything good about certain members of the insect kingdom - namely mosquitoes, ticks, and fleas. I've tried to take the "all God's creatures" approach, but it just doesn't work for me with them. Otherwise I'm totally with you on the sentiment expressed in this post. A couple of years ago a series of unfortunate events left me feeling less than cheerful about life so I started a gratitude journal which I've kept up to this day. Entries may be as simple as a stranger's smile or something far more grand, but it reminds me that one can always find something for which to be grateful.
Hi Kristen,
I so needed this today...it's been a rough few weeks for our family, but I feel as though I have had it the worst. I know that "God works all things together for good" but right now, I am praying and trying to look for that good. With moving this summer to a new state, with a new job for my husband, kids going to a new school, going to a new church, missing old friends, and my back going out (working on chiropractic care), unexpected car issues, and a couple of personal things I'm working through....I'm just overwhelmed with it all. Not only is it affecting me physically, but we have some expenses as well. We don't know how we're going to pay for some of the issues, either. Your post gave my spirit a lift and I wanted to thank you so much!
I'm sorry things have been rough for you! I hope a bit of the good in life starts coming your way soon...hang in there!
Thank you for your encouragement! Yes, I'm looking for the good at the moment. God is good...ALL. THE. TIME, even when we don't understand. Have a good night!
Thank you, Kristen! I needed this reminder today!
This is such a wonderful post to read, thank you x
Brilliant!
Thank you so much for the reminder! This post came at the perfect time during a challenging week--perfect timing for me! (and I LOVE when I find things that bring me back)
Love your Blog!
Cari
Thank you for this wonderful post! Yesterday was my last day at a job at a place I loved. I didn't like the direction my job was heading, and found something a level up at another organization. I sobbed most of the way home, wondering if I made the right decision. I am coming to terms with this transition, and it's been difficult. Your words remind me that it may not be perfect, but it is a step forward in my career, and that means it was the right choice.
This is just what I needed to hear today, thank you. It has put a lot of things into perspective for me. For the past 5 years I've been dwelling on the past and the decisions I made 5 years ago that have put me in the situation I am in now, and your post has made me realise that I'm not focusing enough on the good that I have in my life, I've been focusing on the bad for so long. Im a struggling, self employed single mother to a 9 year old. I'm always dwelling on my past and thinking "what if I had done thingst different, would I be in this situation now ? Would I still be happily married? Did I make the right decision for me and my son to leave the country I had been living in for 10 years and where my son was born and where his father lives, to return to the security of my own country/family and friends after my marriage broke down". Your post has made me realise that I can't focus on the bad as I have so much good in my life that I don't give priority to. I have family and friends around me, I am self employed and can work around my sons school timetable, my son is a happy healthy boy who regularly sees his father even though they both live in different countries,my ex husband is a wonderful father to our son and very supportive to me. Your post has made me realise that I'm not alone, each and every one of us has good/bad episodes in our life. Does any one ever have the perfect life? Not me that's for sure, I will always have financial worries, Who doesent? . But I will try to do my best with every good/ bad situation that I face and putting it into perspective now thanks to your post.
Great post!
What your great post describes is what it's like acting as an adult. We live in a society of consumerism and immediate gratification; we are sold, through films, magazines and advertisement, the idea of perfection.
What we often forget is that what we are shown is fiction. Real life is about compromise, about accepting that nothing is perfect and that part of the beauty in our lives is to know how to make the best of situations, actually working at things.
In most cases - there are of course exceptions - happiness is not dictated by circumstances. Happiness is a state of mind. My life may not be perfect but I choose to be happy.
I always try to remind myself that there is always someone that has it worse than I do no matter what the problem is. I sometimes save inspirational stories to look at when I'm down - like a story of a boy with butterfly disease (Epidermolysis bullosa) that despite the pain lives the best life he can. That always makes what little aches or pain I may have seem like nothing to complain about!
If your spouse snoring or children crying are keeping you awake, think of how you'd feel if you suddenly lost them. You'd probably give anything to hear that noise again because that means you have them in your life.
If you feel bad because you don't have X, Y, or Z then spend some time looking at the wanted ads in your community to see all the people begging for help with necessities like a place to live, food for their children, and any help getting a job. Look at the conditions in third world countries. Maybe what you have will seem like enough.
What many people complain about or call bad would be a wonderful improvement for others. (So your car broke down - you have a car, you live in a society where you are allowed to drive one, you have the physical and mental abilities to drive, etc.) Just think about it before complaining or saying it's a bad day.
I get upset and worry about little stuff. Now trying to just do something and get thru rough patches. One small example. I have run out of checks just about. Cold outside, no car, I take the bus and freeze or order on non existent computer. Oh heck. I got the flyer out, ordered the Mary Poppins design and sent it off in the mail. Calm down. Drink some coffee. There are worse problems in this world...save your anxiety for real stuff