Monday Q&A | Provider Issues, plus Homeschooling Burnout
Every Monday, I answer a few of the questions that my readers send me. If you have a question you'd like me to answer in a future Q&A post, just leave me a comment here or email me (thefrugalgirl [at] gmail [dot] com) and put Q&A in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you!
I've been trying to be more conscious about my consumption habits: spending less, bringing less into the house, borrowing or buying used whenever possible. It's going well, but I'm having a little bit of trouble getting my husband on board. He's not a big spender for himself, at all, but he's the primary wage-earner, and I think he feels like he's not providing for us if we're borrowing things we need or going to Goodwill.
I do not think that at all, obviously. But I'm just wondering if you had any issues with Mr. FG ever feeling like your frugal habits were somehow a reflection of his not being a good provider and, if that was the case, how you guys dealt with that.
-Lori
This is a great question, and it's definitely something that's cropped up in our house. Occasionally, my frugal habits have made Mr. FG feel the same way your husband feels (he's always been the primary wage-earner too), so I asked him for his feedback, and here's the Clif's Notes version of what he said.
He says that keeping in mind my reasons for doing the frugal thing helps and it's especially helpful to remember that I'm just trying to squeeze the most out of the money he brings home. For instance, if we save money by eating at home instead of eating out, we can afford to go on a vacation. And if I get our clothes on clearance, we can have a better wardrobe than we would otherwise.
It also helps him to think about other non-frugal motivations I have for some of my frugal activities. For instance, he might not feel like we need to shop at Goodwill to stay within our budget, but he does get the whole idea of buying used so as to avoid supporting companies that treat people poorly.
So, I'd maybe emphasize those sorts of things to your husband. Also, though your commitment to conscious consumption is great, I think it's good to compromise sometimes. If your husband feels very strongly that you should buy a certain item instead of borrowing it or that it would be better to buy a particular something brand new instead of used, consider agreeing to that.
As long as you're reducing your consumption, you're making progress, you know? And important not to sabotage your relationship while you're trying to save money.
I'm the mother of twin almost-five-year-old boys. They will be heading to kindergarten next year at our local elementary, which is the best choice for our family at this time, but I have a lot of reservations about our local middle school (and middle school in general!), think very favorably of homeschooling, and am starting now to explore the possibility of homeschooling them for middle school. My only real concern is my sanity! I know that my kids are still young and rambunctious now, and will probably grow calmer as they grow older, but the idea of spending such a concentrated amount of time educating them each day without any down time on my own seems a bit daunting.
Do you ever feel overwhelmed by homeschooling four kids? If so, how do you handle it? What do you think about parents introducing a certain element of cooperative homeschooling with other like-minded parents so as to give each other breaks and give the kids a different perspective? Am I putting the cart before the horse, and should I wait a good three or four years before I start to worry about this?
-Claudia
Yup, there are days when I feel really overwhelmed by what's on my plate, and sometimes I watch the neighborhood moms send their kids off on the bus while they walk home to a quiet house and I think, "Wow. That would be pretty nice!"
But when that happens, I remind myself of all the many reasons I homeschool (that post is coming up later this week!), and I also remind myself that being the mom of traditionally-schooled children isn't all ease and comfort either. There's the dreaded homework monster, the school activities that take time, the fund-raising, and probably a lot of other things I haven't thought of! Also, I would hate having to operate on a school schedule determined by someone else, and my hatred for that would probably outweigh my love of a quiet house and alone time.
If I'm feeling really overwhelmed and stressed, sometimes we do take a day off of school, or we have a light day of school (just Math, Latin, and Composition). We still finish our work by the end of the schoolyear, of course, and having a day off here and there is sometimes just what the doctor ordered.
I definitely think that homeschooling can look all sorts of different ways, and if you would prefer to do more of a part-time kind of homeschooling thing, I'd recommend looking into what tutorials are offered in your area. A lot of tutorials hold classes one or two days a week and the rest of the week is spent doing schoolwork at home. It could be the perfect in-between system for you.
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Readers, do you have any advice on these two topics? Chime in!
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Today's 365 post: I don't get the drill out very often...
Joshua's 365 post: Go-Kart Ride!
We use a homeschool co-op for one day of the week and love it. Highly recommended, if you can find a good one in your area.
I do not home school but I know a lot of people that do. There are some home school schools that people use for subjects they don't feel equipped to teach - Spanish, Art, Math, etc. If your children are gifted they may be able to use material availabe from the Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth (CTY). I know someone that used that for math in a school where they were more advanced than the other students.
For Claudia: I wrote a post on my blog about why we homeschool a while back (and I'm looking forward to reading about FG's reasons), and yes, we get overwhelmed with it, too. But the benefits (so far) are far outweighing the discomfort...haha. My kids are still young (my oldest is starting 3rd grade), so it's easier for me right now, but I know that the coming years are going to be challenging because I'll be schooling four kiddos.
Homeschooling is nice because like FG said, when you want a day off, you can take a day off, or do a lighter load. We can also take vacations whenever we want, and it's really fun to make them educational. There are so many opportunities for learning outside of a public school setting - a simple thing like going to the grocery store can be a great learning experience about math, farming, chemistry (hee hee), and it's a social experience as well. There are learning experiences in everything we do.
If you do decide to wait until middle school, a word of warning - your kids might not like the idea because they may be leaving friends (among other things) behind, or you might need to take some time to "de-school" them and get them used to working in a less structured environment. My two older girls went to a pre-school for a while because I was working full-time and it took a while to get them used to the idea of not being with other kids or being in an official schoolroom. They're doing great now, and we belong to a homeschool group in the area (highly recommended) so we get to do a lot of field trips and they get to be around other kids. They also go to an enrichment class once a week for homeschoolers.
I don't think you're putting the cart before the horse at all...me and husband started talking about homeschooling the moment we knew we were pregnant with #1~good luck to you!!
Mr. FG and I talked about homeschooling very early in our relationship...I think within the first two days. So, I don't think either of you are putting the cart before the horse!
I think one of the most important things I've learned about homeschooling since I started looking into it for DS is that you don't have to "do it all". We're sending DS to a nursery school 2 days a week next year to see how he does in that environment compared to at home.
I'd like to homeschool him because I really like the flexibility for kids to learn at their own pace, fast or slow. However, if he seems to do better in a school environment, then I think we'll look for ways to keep him involved in structured environments (home school co-ops, me learning how to keep things more reliable at home, since my style is a bit more "let's see what the day brings us", classes at the local Y, etc.) while still allowing for that freedom to take time to learn how to read, or speed ahead.
Yes. It's almost infinitely flexible, and it can look so many different ways. That's the beauty of it, I think...we don't all have to live on a homestead, wear denim jumpers, and homeschool 100% of every subject. There's such a range of options between that and traditional schooling.
DH and I are looking into "university style" homeschooling, where you you homeschool 2 or 3 days a week and a school teaches the rest of the week. You're still in charge, but it's not the same thing as 5 days a week at home.
I'd be interested in hearing more about this type of homeschooling???
Ha, ha,...wear denim jumpers, and live on a homestead,...chuckling over that. Funny thing is that when I used to teach 1st grade, I DID wear denim jumpers. I was fashionably challenged back then...:) Looking forward to reading more about homeschooling from both you Kristen, and your readers' contributions. It is often mulled over as an option for my family.
Ha! I definitely wore denim jumpers back in the day. But then again, in the 90s, prairie style was definitely more in than it is now. Mainstream stores carried long jumpers and dresses and skirts, I remember.
Definitely looking forward to your upcoming post on homeschooling! I never thought about it before I had my daughter, but now it is something I am thinking about 🙂
I just started homeschooling this year. My oldest is in kindergarten so I can't comment on middle school. I will say that yes, some days I feel overwhelmed, but overall I really love homeschooling. I love the flexibility, safety and opportunities homeschooling provides us.
There are lots of opportunities in our area for getting together with other families. We will join a coop for art and music next year. I am confident we can make it all work. I also really appreciate not having to undo behavior problems picked up at school (my son went to 4K for a year and that was enough for me. I couldn't believe the behavior problems I saw in other children and that my son ended up bringing home!)
I LOVE getting to watch my son learn. I enjoy seeing him work at a problem and then get it. I enjoy watching him figure things out. It is so rewarding. I think kindergarten is a lovely time to homeschool. The curriculum is simple and sweet. The activities are fun. There isn't so much academic pressure. Progress is straightforward and easier to monitor. It is kind of like starting at the shallow end, lol. If you have leanings toward homeschooling, you might not want to rule out kindergarten 🙂
I have to comment on fears of middle school in general. My children are not that age, but I am a former middle school teacher who now primarily teaches high school freshman (so pretty much the same thing 🙂 - eighth graders are actually easier to deal with than freshmen!
I have yet to see/experience/hear of a delightful middle school. Perhaps they exist; but, in my experience, it's just an age where it's tough to be a human being. This is not to say that *your* particular middle school aged child is not a delight. There's a lot of social learning that needs to happen in a traditional school environment-- how to manage a more complex schedule, how to focus and refocus quickly. And the hormones!
I've also had home-schooled children enter my classroom in middle school and it has been a very, VERY difficult transition for everyone. In one particular case, the student needed major special education intervention because he had no basic reading skills (phonics and decoding.)
So, my caution is
1. I think any one and every one has concerns about middle school, no matter what path you take.
2. Consider the whole trajectory of your child's education while at the same time
3. Re-evaluate constantly!
Just my two cents, from the perspective of a public school teacher.
PS Our plan for all six of our kids is public school with a liberal application of mom-and-dad lead learning in the downtime (i.e. Monticello field trip as Kristen did, etc.) For us, at this early stage, it seems the best option. And my 4 and 5 year olds love the social component of school.
PPS Thank you so, so much to everyone who responded with support, suggestions and blessings about the upcoming birth of our triplets (see last week's Q&A.)
Slightly different angle but this relates to the first question ref the Hubby's take on frugality. My husband was always more frugal than I. Then I started looking at my consumption habits more closely (in all areas of my life) about 3 years ago. I was never a big shopper, but could buy unnecessary items either through thinking we needed it, or because I thought perhaps we ought to have it, or it was a 'unmissable' deal. What I have noticed recently is that because I no longer impulse purchase (I also borrow or buy second-hand when I can) that now if we discuss buying something he trusts my decision. It's likely that I'll need some new leather winter boots shortly. The type I want are good quality and the price reflects that - but there won't be any raised eyebrows when they arrive and comments about cost, rather he's encouraging me to get it sorted, because I need them.
p.s - I've considered buying them second-hand (jury out at mo!) 😉
"So we do a light day -- just Math, Latin, Composition" -- that is so excellent! Not a homeschooler but I teach elementary special ed. and I LOVE this -- your kids are so lucky to have this fantastic curriculum. There's no Latin at my elementary school, actually no foreign languages at all. 🙂 What a gift for your kids. I know I am always saying this but you have really opened my mind to the possibilities of homeschooling and gotten me past my prejudices. I can see how great this can be with the right parent doing it. I appreciate your schooling us in this area.
We just started homeschooling our 6th grader about a month ago after pulling him out of our local middle school. We found that the environment in general was not working for him. Several of his friends also left and went to the local Catholic school but we couldn't afford that. He has attended public school from Kindergarten till now. He was doing well in classes (all A's including in his gifted classes) and enjoyed being with his friends but after 4 months there even he said that the other aspects (bullying directed at him but also at others that upset him even more, exposure to negative influences all day everyday, teacher attitudes and school policies which treated them all as if they were delinquents even if they were the "good" kids) made it not worth it anymore. So far we are doing really well and he is sooooo much happier! We have found that our public school curriculum was lacking in some areas but was ok in preparing him in others. He will go back for High school I imagine but will not return to the middle school. I agree with the other poster who said that this is just an age of so much change in general and when you group them all together I think you are just asking for difficulties.
If you had asked me even a few years ago if I would have homeschooled my child, I would have given a very emphatic no! But as he has gotten older/slightly matured and I have seen his interests develop I have come to really appreciate him for the young man he is and enjoy spending time with him and being able to see how he thinks about things. There are days when we have gotten frustrated with each other and there are days where I miss having some time to myself but I am doing the right thing for him for right now.
Heather- I don't understand how homeschooling is less expensive than sending a child to Catholic school. You or someone else has to be teaching him, and your time is worth what you could earn, right? Some people manage to work while homeschooling (a fascinating subculture I am learning about) but many homeschooling parents don't work for pay at the same time. So if you could earn $20,000 in a part-time job, but don't take that job because you're homeschooling, then it costs you $20,000 a year. I assume that's more than the Catholic school (it would be in our area).
Laura-are you assuming that Heather doesn't have other children at home to care for? A stay-at-home mom with multiple children wouldn't be able to just up and take a $20,000 part-time job without have to also pay for school/care for the other children.
And if she has multiple children, then we're talking $40,000-$50,000 a year for private school.
Kristin is correct in that I do have a younger child at home so I was staying at home anyway. A part time job in our small community (if it could be found right now) would not pay for the childcare that would be required for both my children. We are currently using a virtual academy for our homeschooling and other than usual supplies it does not cost us any extra than public schooling. Plus my son seemed to need some extra time to "recover" from his experience and we figured that was best done at home than another school environment. We are also not Catholic so the school fees would be higher than usual as we are not members of church.
If a persons choice of homeschooling their child ,is because of bullying or 'negative' influences , then is that a good reason?, surely your child/ young adult will be ill prepared or prey to bullies in the adult world......Kids that are bullied in school are quite often victims of bullying at uni and the workplace, isn't it better to teach them strategies to tackle bullying from a young age?
Also the majority of kids brought up in a loving caring family, will not fall victim to 'negative' influences, as their homelife will be strong enough to tackle that. yes, I know there are exceptions, but there are also in homeschooled children.
Got it, if you have another younger child at home -- that would make economic sense. It's just that, with all things in life, just because money isn't going out the door doesn't mean there isn't a cost. Home grown produce, home made clothes, etc. aren't free either -- time always has an opportunity cost.
Laura Vanderkam - yes, opportunity cost is something that should taken into account when looking at choices and that is sometimes forgotten. This time it worked to our favor as I am already home.
Laura - I think whether or not homeschooling makes sense due to bullying or negative influences depends on the level and nature of the bullying and the effect it is having on the individual child and the response of the school staff to the situation. I did not go into the details of what was happening/being said in the bullying because frankly it was too inappropriate for this site (which you would think would be inappropriate for a school setting!). I was actually not worried at all about my son falling victim to the negative influences in that he would join in but rather he was just sick of all that was happening around him. Our particular middle school has had quite a few children leaving since the beginning of the year to other public schools, private schools and homeschool. We actually held out much longer than many. They have a serious problem there but can't seem to fix it. In the end we did what was best for our child at this time. I have never worked or been to school at a place where I would have had to put up with what our kids were being exposed to every day at 11 and 12 years of age.
Yep. It also depends greatly on the age of the child. I think older children are typically better able to deal with that sort of thing than kids who are, say, 12 and under.
keHi Heather
I wasn't criticising at all, I live in the UK and would never have sent my boys to a local authority school, because for me I didn't li the way the system lumped all kids together, and if I couldn't have sent them to be educated privately I would have home schooled them, most definitely.
The schools here are really hot on bullying and its very rarely tolerated, so I can understand how frustrating it must be to have your child somewhere, that they are unhappy, and you as a parent, aren't getting the support you are entitled to.
I am glad mine are in their 20's now and all that education stuff is behind me, I found the whole thing, so stressful!!!
Hi Heather
I wasn't criticising at all, I live in the UK and would never have sent my boys to a local authority school, because for me I didn't like the way the system lumped all kids together, and if I couldn't have sent them to be educated privately I would have home schooled them, most definitely.
The schools here are really hot on bullying and its very rarely tolerated, so I can understand how frustrating it must be to have your child somewhere, that they are unhappy, and you as a parent, aren't getting the support you are entitled to.
I am glad mine are in their 20's now and all that education stuff is behind me, I found it all sooooo stressful.
I love, LOVE the whole idea of home schooling. So much so, I have very seriously considered quitting my job to HS my gifted child. Problem is, I am the primary breadwinner in our family and I am also the educator (by trade). Now, that is not to say that it will not change, and it just might. In fact, my son is having a hard time, socially (HA! Living proof that sending your kid to school doesn't guarantee socilization), adjusting to school life in his private school so HS-ing is looking more and more attractive - especially since he is so frustrated being so very bored in school.
But for us, we would need to sell our home and downsize for it to work. So until the economy can support that notion, we do the best we can. We try to save as much as possible so we can sell our house for less, when the time comes. I work with my son at home to keep him engaged, intellectually, since he seems to enjoy it and thrive on it.
But one day... And hopefully before he is out of elementary school.
I was homeschooled almost my entire life (and part of the time we DID live on a homestead and wear denim jumpers...so glad those jumpers are gone, lol!) and am thinking about homeschooling my soon-to-be 5 year old son.
My mom homeschooled all 5 of us kids almost through high school, but when we got to middle school and high school age, we did participate in a co-op where we went a few days a week for subjects like Geometry, World History, Current Issues. My brother and I also took extracurricular classes like Fencing, (the french sport with foils, saying "en garde!" ) which we loved! I really enjoyed the flexibility of it, and going to more structured classes prepared me for the college workload of homework, longer papers, etc.
Don't feel limited to one method of homeschooling either- there are so may ways to educate, pick and choose what works best for your family and your situation.
From a mom who's been homeschooling for over 20 years (and is still in the trenches with the last 2), I don't regret it one moment. I can echo FG's occasional sigh about the yellow school bus and the desire for some peace and quiet, but the trade-off would be not knowing my 5 kids and having the privilege of seeing them grow and learn while learning alongside them myself.
We've done all the options - figuring out which curricula to use (when the choices were slim to none!), pre-packaged curricula, co-op style, unit studies, and a tutorial service. I could elaborate, but that would crash FG's blog! It is a fantastic experience and so rich in many ways. While it has been a wonderful blessing for our family, it is not for everyone. Sacrifice is required. Think hard, consider well, and do what is best for your family.
I saw homeschooling happening either way you go. If the children go to school away from home, you homeschool in the evenings--in the name of homework. If they stay home for school, you homeschool in the mornings--while everyone is still rested and fresh. Either way, you homeschool.
So true! My 6th grader is averaging three hours of homework per night, plus more on the weekends. Granted she has learning disabilities and works slowly, but the homework is killing her joy of learning. Also, she is getting to bed late way too often, and is tired most of the time.
Sometimes I think about homeschooling her, but with her issues it takes a whole team of professionals to help her at school and I don't think I could replace that.
I want to second Kristin's earlier comment about middle school simply being a difficult time for students. I'm a middle school teacher at a private K-8 school (I teach grades 6-8), and it's very interesting to see the different challenges students face--both socially and academically--at each grade level. Even with dedicated teachers and involved parents, students struggle at that level due to social development, fluctuating hormones and other physical changes. Some students handle those changes well. Some students struggle with those changes, and their parents want to blame those difficulties on the school (and are somehow surprised when their children still struggle with being young teenagers after moving them to any number of different school environments). It may not be the school that's the problem--it may be the age.
I'm not necessarily anti-homeschooling--I have seen kids come out of wonderful and enriching homeschooling experiences and flourish in a traditional school environment later on. But I have also seen how unprepared some students are when they hit the middle school, high school or college levels after a life (or even a few years) of homeschooling. If you want to consider homeschooling, I implore you to teach your children the importance of organizational skills and time management--these are often harder to learn in an environment in which students have so much one-on-one classroom time. When students attend a traditional school (especially a larger one), they are responsible for keeping their binders organized and keeping up with due dates and assignments without much intervention from the teacher, thereby preparing themselves for high school and beyond. If you are able to find a way to foster independence and personal responsibility for your children, then your homeschooling experience will be a successful one!
I personally feel like my homeschooling experience prepared me really well for independent self-motivated study, but not every parent homeschools the way my mom did. My mom had four of us to homeschool, so we did a lot of independent work! 🙂
I'd just also like to add that when you work in a public school, you're most likely to see homeschooled students coming from situations that weren't working out very well (that's not always the case, but it is a lot of the time). So, it's probably not a very representative sample, yk? There are probably more of us doing well than it seems from your perspective, and studies have shown that homeschooled students do well in college.
I appreciate your gracious attitude in spite of the sample you tend to see most often, though!
Just to clarify, I work at a private, religiously-affiliated school. It's relatively large, though.
I'm glad your mom did such a great job preparing you for college. I also had a lot of friends in college who were homeschooled their whole lives and were perfectly successful later on. I'm just not sure homeschooling is right for every child or family (just like public school or private school aren't necessarily one-size-fits-all either).
I commend you for doing such a great job homeschooling your children. You seem to put a lot of thought and effort into what you do, and even though I'm a teacher myself, I'm not entirely sure I would have the patience to do so when I have children one day!
Thank you for the response, and I love your blog!
Yup...I think you have to take each kid and each schooling method on a case-by-case basis. People are unique and so one method doesn't work perfectly for every kid.
I try never to say that homeschooling is right for everyone, but I do try to say that it can be an excellent choice for SOME people. And obviously, I believe it's the right choice for me and my family for right now.
I would definitely recommend looking into homeschooling laws in your state before making any decisions. I was absolutely certain I would homeschool until I read into the laws and talked with other homeschooling parents in my state... now we're probably just going to send them to public school anyway. The reason is that the laws here are SO strict and SO rigidly similar to the way the public schools are run that my reasons for homeschooling almost can't happen (you can't teach religion, you can't do anything outside of what your local school district is allowed to do, you are monitored by teachers in the school district to make sure you're "actually teaching your children," etc.).
I had a question about your choice to teach them Latin? Wouldn't a language they are going to encounter more in the world make more sense? Like Spanish or Chinese? I am just curious I went to regular old school and in high school had 4 years of french.What a waste. I wish I had concentrated more on Spanish. The only other language I know is an old german dialect that my great-grandmother taught me. I think the only other people who speak it might be the amish.Again useless unless I am talking with the amish.
That's definitely something that I mulled over. I eventually decided to give them a few years in Latin (Joshua has one more year) and then they'll learn Spanish for precisely the reason you mentioned...I think it'll be more practical than doing 8 years of Latin.
I studied Latin for quite a while in (home)school... it really helped me later when I was in college and took Spanish-- I was able to ace those classes partly because of my Latin background. Additionally, studying grammar in Latin gave me a more clear sense of English grammar and helped me draw parallels in vocabulary studies (more so than Spanish did.)
I haven't really had any use for my Spanish after taking those classes, though. 🙁
I took French then Mandarin. I found French to be quick useful when I travel and for cooking. Mandarin had vast professional application. Still wish I really knew Spanish, though, instead of a few hundred words of Tourist Spanish plus whatever I can figure out based on French.
I am also a current public middle school teacher (8th grade langauge arts for 10+years!), but also watched my sister homeschool her 3 children. The two oldest have since graduated from college alongside their traditionally schooled cousin. Although the concept seemed so foreign to me, my husband and I have discussed the possibility for our future children. He attended private schools, I was always was public and have also looked into charters. I believe when it comes down to it, parental involvement is key to any student's success.
I am the mother of a public school middle schooler and I teach at a local college part-time.
I definitely think that most people dread the middle school years. I was amazed how strong of opinions people had about which elementary school our children should attend (when asked) and people often talk about which is the best high school in the area but I just don't hear much at all about middle school. Almost as if we all just hope those years will pass as quickly as possible.
As a college instructor-I've had homeschooled students who do a wonderful job in the classroom and some who were a real challenge due to lack of preparation or even in one case comments like "I didn't have to take tests, I was homeschooled". Personally, I feel like there are some great examples of homeschooling and some not so great examples. I don't do it because I don't feel like I would be one of the great ones.