Meet a Reader | Kaitlin, Minnesota medical mama
When Kaitlin sent in her responses and I saw that she included pictures of herself, I was all, "Woohoo!" It's so much fun when you guys include pics of yourselves; putting a face with a name (especially a name I frequently see in the comments) is super fun for me.
Now whenever I see Kaitlin's comments, my brain will pop up with a little picture of her face. 🙂
Here's Kaitlin:
1. Tell us a little about yourself
Hi! I’m Kaitlin, a Child Wrangler, Soother of (most) Ailments and Honorary Generalized Medical Provider and Advocate to 3 kids that are virtual triplets (all born in under 22 months).
One child is disabled and one is hearing impaired, so while I jest about my medical prowess, I can also hold my own in a room of doctors. I’m sure all of the caregivers reading this understand. 😊
My husband’s employer moves us a lot, sometimes on a whim, so I’ve lived in 5 states and 8 homes in the last 13 years.
Currently, we are in Minnesota (moved Labor Day weekend!) where we bought a house without stepping into it first. It’s an 1893 Victorian home that was a rental to some pretty rough tenants at some point and requires a lot of expected TLC.
My life right now consists of boxes and home improvement projects. In my free time, I like to bake bread (thanks to you Kristen!) sew and enjoy the outdoors.
I also have 2 dogs: 10-year-old husky/shepherd mix Tōk and 6-month-old cattle dog mix Birch. Life is busy in our house.
2. How long have you been reading The Frugal Girl?
I think almost 12 years.
I started right after I married and we were living on a middle-class income (a huge pay jump from my teaching days) and had just paid off my husband’s school loans, leaving us with no savings. I wanted some ideas on how to be frugal that did not involve couponing.
It’s the only blog I read, and I continue to stick around because of the encouraging community.
3. How did you get interested in saving money?
I grew up in a frugal home (6 kids, only one parent worked, in an expensive county outside Philly). My mom is really good at shopping deals and waiting until she can double up offers at stores to get the most for her money.
Christmas gifts always had the price tag visible so we could play “How much do you think I paid for that?” Her deal-hunting success is almost as thrilling to her as people receiving their gifts.
I wanted to be like her but none of her deal-hunting skills made it to me so I had to figure out how to carve out my own path. It turns out my path isn’t nearly as frugal as most people on this blog, but I try to use my money intentionally at least.
4. What's the "why" behind your money-saving efforts?
I believe that money is a resource God has given me to use wisely. I want to be responsible with it so I have plenty to give away to people who need it.
Also, I want my disabled son to be set up for life.
His needs are great enough that he will either have to make an upper middle-class salary with fantastic benefits to pay for his medical needs or have less than $2000 to his name to receive government healthcare.
If we plan well we can use some provisions in the tax laws to provide a way for him to have access to money to live on and still receive medical benefits.
I also want my kids to understand stuff doesn’t bring joy.
5. What's your best frugal win?
Housing. We bought a modest home in 2015, planning to be there for 3 years (expected a work move at that point), ended up being there for six years, making some improvements, and selling at the peak of the housing boom in 2021.
We made a significant amount of money on that house—enough to say that our housing for six years was more than free. It was the luck of the draw though—not something we planned.
6. What's a dumb money mistake you've made?
10ish years ago my husband and I bought some nice leather couches that allowed us to sit next to each other without my dipping towards him. They are great couches but I wish I had picked another color.
Since they’re great couches, we will probably have them for another 10-20 years. I should have waited until I had a better sense of self and style.
7. What's one thing you splurge on?
Fair-trade clothing (or as close to it as I can get). I was a teenager when a clothing factory in Bangladesh burned killing over 100 people, mostly women, because there weren’t proper safety protocols in place. It still horrifies me that they couldn’t get out, and that factory was making clothes for American stores.
How horrifying to think that the clothes I was wearing could be made in conditions like that?
So I buy more expensive clothes but have fewer of them. This summer I had 2 pairs of linen pants and 7 neutral shirts that I could pair with the pants. It made getting dressed easy and it feels better on my conscience.
Also: good shoes. I have almost flat feet despite all the exercises I do to strengthen my feet, so I get higher-quality shoes that fit my foot and provide good support for activities like running and hiking. Again, more expensive but I have fewer of them.
8. What's one thing you aren't remotely tempted to splurge on?
Handbags, purses, wallets, pedicures, super trendy clothing, most seasonal decor, and anything I’d rarely use and have to keep moving.
If I don’t use it all the time. I don’t want it lying around or taking up storage space.
9. If $1000 was dropped into your lap today, what would you do with it?
Put it towards housing projects.
As I type, the house is getting new plumbing, and we want to restore some original elements (8 ft. doors with ornate doorknobs, a fireplace with what we believe is original tiling on the hearth) of the house as we renovate.
10. What's the easiest/hardest part of being frugal?
Easiest part: I don’t have as much stuff to unpack or figure out how to store in our frequently changing houses. Everyone who has helped us move has commented that we don’t have that much (by American standards) for a family of five, and that includes all of the extra medical equipment we have.
I can’t imagine what unpacking would be like if we had more. I’m going crazy with the chaos as it is.
Hardest part: consumerism is all around us and I feel like I have to say no to my kids a lot.
11. Is there anything unique about frugal living in your area?
We contract our own trash pick up and pay by the size of the trash can, so if we make less trash (buy fewer things, recycle, compost) we save money and help the environment.
12. What single action or decision has saved you the most money over your life?
“Only buy something if you love it.”
If I’m on the fence about purchasing something I err on not getting it. Most things I don’t need. Owning more stuff clutters my physical and mental space so I try not own more than what I need for my family and to be generous to people around me.
13. What is something you wish more people knew?
Not frugality related but I think this community cares about people enough it’s pertinent: Caregivers and families with medically complex members (or families in crisis or who have experienced trauma) have so many needs they often can’t articulate a request for help because their brains are so full of other things.
Jump in and offer what you’re available to give, whether it’s a meal on Wednesday night or child care on Tuesday morning from 10-12, or mowing the yard twice a month.
It’s much easier to say yes or no to an offer than guess what a person is willing to do to help and then suggest something to them that they might be interested in.
14. Did you ever receive any financial education in school or from your parents?
My parents recorded in ledgers every penny they spent for the first 25 years of their marriage. I grew up thinking you earned money, tithed 10%, spent the bare minimum and saved the rest, hopefully close to 90%.
Now that I’m an adult, I see that they were spending almost everything my dad made because they put all six of us through private school K-undergrad. Apparently, some years were really tight financially, but I never knew it as a kid. That may be the best education I could have received: know where your money is going.
Use it according to your priorities. But at the end of the day, it does not dictate joy or peace because it’s just money.
15. How has reading the Frugal Girl changed you?
Kristen has preached contentment and choosing joy often enough that it’s starting to permeate my thinking. The past few years have been so hard (sometimes beautiful hard, sometimes downright ugly), and I’ve begun asking myself in the morning how I can choose joy and be content with what’s going on.
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Kaitlin, thank you so much! I am so happy to have gotten to know you and your family a bit better.
And your answer to the last question made my heart so happy. Yay! I am so delighted that you are hunting for the joy that's mixed in with the hard stuff.
Hi Kaitlin! I really appreciate your suggestion to offer very specific things when wanting to help someone in a needy time of life. Years ago I asked a friend the typical vague question, “can I help” and she very clearly let me know that their needs were so great that she didn’t know where to start. I did take her a meal several times but that was a drop in the proverbial bucket. I’m so glad she spoke up—I was clueless.
I’ll take those couches off your hands!
@Elaine N, I was clueless, too. My turning point came after my sons O2 dropped to 60 and the nurse in the hospital didn’t have the training to help and wouldn’t give me the supplies I needed. Someone called me asking what I wanted for dinner. I was like, “why on Earth would I care what I eat?? Just figure it out!!” I didn’t actually yell that at her (I cried instead), but I wanted to. She had no clue what was happening in the hospital, and she was trying to be helpful.
@Kaitlin,
I love how you describe yourself as an honorary medical GP! After a couple of rounds of pediatric cancer (all good now, fingers crossed) and a teen with Type 1 Diabetes, I often get asked if I'm in the medical field. I think of myself as medical adjacent;) I am so happy that Kristen is studying to become a nurse- that is such a service and a skill that most of us will need at some point or another in our lives.
When our son was first diagnosed with leukemia in 2016 we were a bit in shock. Thankfully I had friends who work as producers so they just "produced" our situation by organizing a meal train, including a cooler on our porch, and asked people to drop off food without knocking and to send it in disposable containers. They figured we might not be in the mindset to entertain or even talk to anyone as we were sorting out central lines, chemo, etc. They also organized a temporary house cleaning service. Friends offered specific things such as driving our daughter to and from school and walking our dog. We were/are so very fortunate to have amazing, generous friends but also ones who took the proverbial bull by the horns. They figured it was much easier for us to politely veto specific offers than to have to think of things we needed. As you pointed out, somedays you are barely keeping your head above water in the ER. Our incredible friends definitely got us through that 9 months and beyond!
I am amazed at how you handle so many moves and love how you find the silver linings! You family looks so happy and loving and the dogs are adorable.
Congrats on the move and I love that you want to restore some vintage touches to your home.
@Kaitlin, I, too, appreciate the suggestion to offer something specific you can do when someone is in crisis. I so often want to help and don't know how. It makes sense to just put forth what you can do and remove the decision making (beyond yes, or no thanks) from the person in crisis instead of adding more to their plate.
@Elaine N,
I have also found it difficult to offer support in a helpful way, and this blog and stories like yours Kaitlin have made it easier for me to be specific in what I offer. Thanks for sharing, Kaitlin!
As a mother of a child with complex medical issues and disabilities I almost broke out in hives thinking about moving so often. Just the stress of changing all of her specialists would be so stressful....how do you do it? As for your comment about others wanting to help...I know for us that biggest help was people that could take my other kids when she had appointments/long hospital stays/surgeries etc. Many doctors appointments were long affairs because we had to drive far to get to them and there were always long waits. This was very taxing on my other kids (my special needs kiddo is my middle child) and made everything so much more exhausting. I am absolutely terrible at asking for help so I wouldn't. Thankfully my kids are older now (17, 13, and 11) so the other two can stay home alone and those days of lugging everyone around are over for us.
@KimN, my son (also a middle child) is so much better than he was when we first had him. He used to have an open trach, and the common cold would drop his o2 to the 60s/70s and he’s spend his days in the hospital flirting with nurses because being so sick was normal. Now he doesn’t have the trach and he graduated from pulmonology, so we have fewer things to work out. Also where we came from was a virtual medical desert. Our pediatrician was excited for us to get to MN. If all else fails locally (still far better than what we had previously) we have an incredible children’ hospital in the twin cities.
That said, it’s a LOT.
@KimN, my son (also a middle child) is so much better than he was when we first had him. He used to have an open trach, and the common cold would drop his o2 to the 60s/70s and he’d spend his days in the hospital flirting with nurses because being so sick was normal. Now he doesn’t have the trach and he graduated from pulmonology, so we have fewer things to work out. Also where we came from was a virtual medical desert. Our pediatrician was excited for us to get to MN because it means we have good access to Peds GI. If all else fails locally (still far better than what we had previously) we have an incredible children’ hospital in the twin cities.
That said, it’s a LOT. Life with our complex kiddos is not for the faint of heart. Hang in there. I wish I could make a meal for you or be moral support at those appointments that need them.
@Kaitlin, Thanks for your reply. Like you things are soooo much better for my daughter health wise. The first 7 years (but especially the first 4) we’re ROUGH. We spent so much time in the hospital with repeated brain surgeries and then later seizures. Also every illness just wrecked her. She is 13 now and currently has Covid and is getting through it without incident and that never would have been the case before. I’m glad things have leveled off for your son and that you have access to care now.
It's nice to meet you, Kaitlin! My son just started college in Minnesota-- so, so far away! I'll wave when we pick him up next time 🙂
I have issues with my feet, too, and I'm wondering-- do you have a go-to brand? Also, I those doors! Tell me you have the key.
@Jody S., off the shelf I have used the following over the years:
Sandals: Birkenstocks (I have ones that wrap around my ankle so no toe clenching for me) (have had them for 4 years, daily use from April-mid/late October)
Boots: oboz or keens. I had Keens snow boots for 6 years and they were my favorite shoe of all time, and I wore them all the time during my three years in Alaska. Then my arch fell more making them too small. Now I have Oboz and have worked in them all day without discomfort, but have only had them for 3 years so unsure about longevity at this point.
Running shoes: Brooks Ariel
Cute shoes: Sofft
If I buy anything at a generic shoe store I have to doctor the insole to make it comfortable. PT showed me what I need.
You have feet that are the polar opposite of mine; I have extremely high arches, so high that they never, ever get close to touching the arch supports inside of shoes. Arch supports are completely wasted on me!
@Kaitlin, if you don't mind my asking, what are the feet strengthening exercises you do? My feet are so flat they suction to the floor if I walk barefoot. I love Brooks, so I'm going to check out your other shoe recommendations.
@Danielle Zecher, mostly anything you’d do in a barre class plus ankle mobility exercises.
@Danielle Zecher, My sister had exercises that involved picking up marbles with her toes and rolling a towel on the floor into a ball with her toes and feet. She hated doing this, supposed to be for half an hour a day. Somehow at our young ages, I connected her flat feet with her left-handedness and wondered if she would ever fit in.
@Heidi Louise, this may be helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaVAsuwYacE
It's a Bob and Brad video--they are physical therapists who post regularly on Youtube. Their advice is medically sound and they are entertaining to watch.
I recently went to a specialty shoe store where I saw a pedorthist (shoe specialist for people with foot problems) and that was very helpful. I'm now enjoying my Hokas!
@Kaitlin, thanks! My younger sister has been bugging me to take barre classes for years. Maybe I should listen to her. 🙂
@Heidi Louise, your sister would have fit in with me. I'm left-handed, too! My dad is also left-handed and has flat feet.
The marble exercise is tough!
@Kris, thanks for sharing this video.
@Kris, Thank you! I will pass it along to her.
Hi Kaitlin! I was a military child in a family that moved every three years, so I know how important the parents are in creating home wherever the family may end up. It is a hard, hard thing to do for children, and I salute (ha) you for it.
@kristin @ going country, thanks! I lived in the same home for almost my entire childhood, so it’s definitely been a change of pace for me.
Oh, my gosh, Kaitlin! How do you manage with so much on your plate?
I'm in awe of your organizational ability. That is no mean feat.
On top of that you move so much. That alone strikes fear in my heart. LOL.
You should definitely write a book.
@Maria Zannini, I don’t know how I manage except by the grace of God. I have been at the end of my rope often, and each time someone has been there to encourage me and help me. Many of those times complete strangers have stepped in.
My body bears the evidence of the chronic stress as does the perpetual mess of my house. Some days are too much for me, but having a visibly not-perfect life has opened the door for people to invite me into their lives. To have so much on my plate that I can’t do it alone is a vulnerable position, but it has yielded the community more beautiful than I could have dreamed.
@Kaitlin, Beautifully said.
Hi, Kaitlin, and thanks for all the specific observations about caregiving, caregivers, and those trying to help. Right on!
Good to meet you, Kaitlin! Your children are beautiful! Also beautiful: that quilt top and your Eastlake-style escutcheon!
I love this: "Caregivers and families with medically complex members (or families in crisis or who have experienced trauma) have so many needs they often can’t articulate a request for help because their brains are so full of other things."
One of my BFFs had a very fragile child who was constantly in crisis (in addition to his profound needs, she was suspected of abusing him, though of course she did not). People asked what they could do to help, which flustered BFF. I just stepped in and did things without asking.
Well, now I have learned something new! I've only heard the word "escutcheon" in reference to plumbing, but I now see how that word can apply to a decorative covering around a keyhole too.
One more thing that almost breaks my heart thinking about it: the baby was born with a lot of evident problems, which everyone knew about. She said I was one of the few people who said, "Congratulations!" when he was born.
@Rose, How wonderful that she had a close friend close by!
also, Hints on Household Taste by Charles L. Eastlake is one of my favorite books. Because that's how much of a complete weirdo I am.
https://archive.org/details/hintsonhousehol00eastgoog
@Rose, how hard that must of been! People get so caught up on visible disabilities, forgetting that every single human has some kind of brokenness in their lives, even if it’s not visible. The stories I could tell about what people have said to me and my so…it’s not right that people with visible disability are still seen as not worthy of celebration and honor.
@Rose, going to check this out!
@Kaitlin, Or that people don't realize a baby born with disabilities is still a loved and wanted baby.
@Rose, my sister's baby went straight to the NICU, and when I visited several days later, I found out no one had taken any photos of my sister with her baby. Yes, it wasn't the traditional photo that would have been taken, but they still deserved photos together! I took some for them, that day.
@Rose,
Yes! Exactly. well said.
@Rose, you are such a good friend. When my son was born prematurely and in terrible shape, no one said "congratulations" or sent any cute baby toys except for one friend, who sent the most adorable toy bear because, as she said, "You always send toys to babies." It cheered me immensely to imagine him playing with that toy. After a while to grow and get well, he did.
Ok, that is such a lovely story!
@Ruby, beautiful
@Ruby, OMG, that made me feel so good. Love to him.
@Rachel, I don't have a single picture of my first son in the hospital. It was a chaotic birth, and he was also whisked away to the NICU. I did not get to hold him, and I even had to ask, "Is it a boy or a girl?" for my first baby! That was so thoughtful of you to take pictures!
Kaitlin, I enjoyed getting bro know you and even have a few things in common. Dh and I married in 1992 and he was a Plant Manager in Textiles. We moved for the first time in 1995, then 1998, 2001, 2005, 2009, 2010, 2013 (twice!), 2014, and 2015. Textiles was very volatile for us after 2009 obviously, but we were always in Southern states, SC, GA, TN and NC. Our kids were born in 1994, 1998 and 2000, so they shared in that fun as well. I wouldn't trade a single move except one, but those are pretty good odds.
Dh had a stroke in 2017 and major heart surgery in 2020 so I feel I can hold my own with many Drs as well. Oh and we've moved twice since then. One to what was to be a long-term retirement home in the mountains near Boone, NC - real estate greed from COVID enveloped our landlord and to the ONLY rental available within 100 miles of Charlotte that fit our needs.
I joke with dh that I could write a book on how to move smart and cheap, but I doubt there is much of a market for it.
@Jennifer, that’s a lot of moving with kids! I bet there’s more of a market than you might guess: the military and big corporations move people around quite a bit. I feel like people move more than they used to in general as well.
Hi, Kaitlin!
You sure have a lot on your plate - I admire you for handling it all, especially with all those moves.
Thanks for the mention of caregiver needs. It really is hard to think how to answer that question, "What can I do?" There so much that needs doing!
The house sounds like a lot of work, but wonderful! I love old homes.
Thanks for joining in!
Hi Kaitlin! I'm so moved and inspired that you buy Fair Trade clothes. Are you referring to the Rana Plaza fire? These garment factories are STILL doing the same things thanks to our consumer habits- Zara, H&M, Forever 21, Shein, etc. Did you know that our trash gets shipped out to third-world countries? The toxic dye that's used to make our cheap colorful clothes remains permanently in their hands.
I wanted to thank you for your awareness and your efforts.
@Farhana, I’m not sure which fire it was that I recall. I thought I was a teenager when it happened but when I just checked, I think most of the fires to hit our news were more recent than that.
I don’t buy fair trade perfectly, but I do try to make better choices.
Funnily, I really love your couches.
I also loved this read. Thank you!
Kaitlin, thank you for sharing your story! Very hard with uncertain futures ahead of your lovely family members.
I hope that wrangling through medical insurance and government benefits is, well, as easy as it can be.
Really appreciate the advice on being specific with your help. It's something I've struggled with, and has put me off of helping (in a desire to not want to be a hassle to someone who clearly already has plenty on their plates).
@Hawaii Planner, I would often go to my friend's house with a couple big black trash bags and demand her laundry. Then I'd return it clean and folded a few hours later. Vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, errand running, frozen meals if you know their food preferences, gift cards to local takeout places....all great.
Or nowadays the food delivery places. I order my mom a couple meals a week through Doordash or similar because she hates nursing home food. I would take her food myself but she's too far.
Leather sofas can be re-colored. You can even do it yourself*. You could probably lighten that brown leather to a tan, or change to another dark color. A product a friend has used is called Rub n Restore.
*in your copious free time
So nice to meet you! I love moving. It is nice to have a fresh start and a new house project! Moving itself is not frugal.
You have a beautiful family!
Hi Kaitlin,
Many thanks for sharing your story. Your children are beautiful and also lucky in their parents. There is so much love in your words along with much practical advice, gently stated (Kristin does this so well.). I wish I lived near you so that I could help out. You’ve inspired me to look around for those who could use a helping hand or a friend.
Question: what color couches do you wish you had bought?
@Erika JS,
Either cognac (more inviting I think than dark brown. Dark brown takes up so much visual space) or a fun jewel toned color.
> Hardest part: consumerism is all around us and I feel like I have to say no to my kids a lot.
Oh boy, do I feel this one! My daughter loves to remind me that so and so has a phone and her cousins (younger than her) each have tablets. She also likes to point out that that other kids have this thing or that thing. She has a lot of stuff so I don't get her problem.
@Battra92, I grew up without a lot of stuff my peers had. My mother was very very matter of fact about the circumstances of our lives. We really did live in a tiny house with one bathroom and we're all six footers. There wasn't enough room in our living room for everyone to have a sofa cushion--someone at least had to sit on the floor. There was no den or finished basement. But we were pretty happy because this is the way things were. I didn't realize how odd our living arrangements were, in fact, until I was in college and I overhead friends of mine who'd come to stay (and who had to camp on the floor) laughing about how our house was a tiny suitcase with six six-footers living in it, one bathroom, no dishwasher, etc.
Did I wish my parents could afford to buy me the nice leather boots in style in the late 70s that some of my classmates had? Yes. But again, my mom was matter of fact about what we could or couldn't afford.
I think maybe you should be more matter of fact with your daughter. Not just in what you can or can't afford but what you think is appropriate for her age. "In our family, we don't have tablets." Kids are always going to want what their peers have. Don't guilt trip (if you are and I'm not misreading) her about having a lot of stuff so what is her problem. Sorry if I'm being presumptuous.
@Rose, I always sat on the floor in our living room. I still love sitting on the floor even though many peers think it’s odd.
@Battra92, my oldest (8) just told me a younger friend has a phone so she should, too. “Our family has made different choices about phones and kids. And you’re part of our family, Love.” A conversation that I suspect will be on repeat for the next several years.
I think it's a universal truth that children will always think they should have all the "good" things that other families do (or they perceive them to have!). 😉 The grass is always greener.
@Kaitlin, It won't harm them at all. Rather the opposite. I made a lot of money when my kids were small and so did my husband and I indulged them (to be honest, I indulged myself) to astonishing degrees. My love language is gifts and I was so so happy to buy them lovely things and dress them like princesses etc. They were and are appreciative and nice but a few no's is character building.
That said, my mother gave me astonishingly wonderful gifts growing up, but they were made by her own labor and imagination rather than money. When she bought me a doll and made me a huge wardrobe of authentic 19th century outfits for her, an old dress of hers became the velvet riding habit and an old silk scarf the tie around the riding habit's velvet top hat Mom made. I could go on but I won't. Lack of money didn't stop Mom from giving us magic.
@Rose, I think your, "In our family, we. . . " is absolutely right on. That's what we do. "Well, that is a different family, and they have different rules. Daddy and I think this is best for our children." That's something like what we say.
@Battra92, with my girls, I told them "I will pay x for a pair of jeans. If you want the Abercrombie ones (back in the 90's), you'll need to pay the difference." Suddenly the brand wasn't as important. Years later, my s/o's daughter wanted an iPhone ("everybody has one"), even petitioning for one for Christmas. He told her he would pay what he would have spent on a regular phone and she could pay the difference. Needless to say, it seemed not "everyone" actually had iPhones, nor was it important enough for her to take hundreds out of her savings. All 3 girls learned the value of a dollar, and when you make them have financial buy in, what they deem important/needed may change.
@Dawn,
It is the same with other privileges I think. Our son once had a talk with a classmate and his mom and when asked how much time he spent on his Playstation, told the mom he "only had 2 hours screentime a day". Including phones and TV, excluding school work. We thought it was more than enough for a 14 year old, the classmate was gobsmacked because his mother wanted to implement the same at their home!
I can also remember a particularly rainy summer when our kids said "they could not make do with their screen time" and negociated an extra hour for a week. It was really funny too see them side by side in front of us, quite determined!
Such a beautiful family. So much joy in your pictures. Even your pups look so happy. You make me want to sing. Let's go fly a kite♡
Welcome to Minnesota Kaitlin! Reading about your kiddos made me think of a program I worked with at a previous employer that helped families caring for a disabled family member receive funds from the state to care for their family member – think along the lines of home modifications to suit the family member’s needs, various therapies, staffing (even the parents) to care for the family member, transportation costs, educational “toys” and electronics – the list was endless. If you haven’t had a chance yet, explore Consumer Directed Community Supports on the MN Department of Human Services website. I didn’t know these programs existed until I started working in my previous role, but I saw the impact they made on families and it was amazing! This also isn’t available in every state so I wanted to put it on your radar if it isn’t already!
@Geneva, thanks for the recommendations! I got goosebumps when so saw it. We’re in this old house because there’s a bedroom (parlor, originally) on the main floor as well as a bathroom and all the living space. It was the only house that didn’t require carrying my son up and down several flights of steps to meet his basic needs. That said, we still need to install a ramp and make some other modifications here and there.
I love the snuggly picture with you and your cuties! Thank you for sharing and for your willingness to be vulnerable with us. You have so much on your plate--when do you have time to quilt?
@Kris, haha! Not very often. Usually only when kids are in bed and husband is working late, which with his new position is never.
My niece has severe health issues, by the time she was 4, she'd spent over 9 total months in the hospital. I also struggled with feelings of helplessness during that time, and so specific things I did to help (that helped us all) were:
- mowed her lawn so she wouldn't get a citation
- weeded her overgrown front garden so the walk to her door was clear
- brought veggie-filled healthy meals to her (since takeout is easy but few veggies)
- cleaned her bathrooms (who can clean toilets with a kid in the hospital?)
- cleaned her fridge after an emergency visit turned into a stay and food went bad
- got her dogs groomed and yearly vaccines done and monthly meds given
- washed her sheets so on nights home the bed was clean
- laundry, including washing and folding then putting away
- full housecleaning before they were coming home from the hospital
- sorted through piled mail during long hospital stays so she got important mail
- cared for her plants so she wouldn't come home to dead plants
- visited at the hospital so they could have a break
- mobilized people to help
Because this is my sister, we have more open boundaries, but she was so desperate for the help that a lot of barriers dissolved. My best friend, my in-laws, my husband - everyone helped what they could. I wouldn't recommend doing this without permission, but if you have a kid in the hospital and get a lawn citation, that's not a good day.
Other options include taking a car for an oil change or cleaning, taking care of other kids, etc. I agree that the best plan is to figure out what needs to be done and offer those specific tasks. I know she never would have thought to ask me to do these things, but I also know her life was better when I did them. Just wanted to put some of my list out there for others to get ideas from! <3
@Rachel, “boundaries dissolved..” yup. That sums up medically complex living so well. I love your list of ideas!
This post was super encouraging! What an interesting story & great legacy you are living out.
What a great post! Thank you for sharing.
I haven’t read the comments, so don’t know if anyone else has mentioned this, but you could check out what people have done to furniture with leather paint. It’s specifically made for leather and I’ve heard a lot of positive things. It apparently leaves the leather just as supple as before, and the ones I’ve seen look really good, not like they were painted.
Hi, Kaitlin!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Once of my sisters lives in the Twin Cities (St. Paul), and I also have a high school friend who lives in Duluth. You are currently living in a beautiful part of the country - I have been to visit several times, and there are so many outdoor opportunities, as well as cultural events.
Also, thank you for your perspective on care giving.....when I was helping care for my mother-in-law three years ago (she had multi-infarct dementia), well meaning people would ask "what can I do to help?" - but I was clearly too overwhelmed to even know where to start. Other times, if I said I needed a home-cooked meal, or help with house cleaning, well, that wasn't really what anyone wanted to help with (plus I was embarrassed by my cluttered, dirty home, even though I had no time to clean it). Some friends from work did make me a home cooked meal here and there, for which I was most grateful (I work with several fabulous cooks). I now just jump in and offer specific help when someone I know is going through a rough time.
Finally, I love that quilt, and the fact that you're keeping/rehabbing original aspects of your current home. Old homes have such character that is sorely missing from newer homes.
@Liz B., I’m not sure I’ll ever get over the embarrassment of an untidy home. Before medically complex living my house was immaculate. But I can’t keep up anymore. This privileged life is humbling, but so worth it.
This house has an abundance of character. Some of it is adorable and lovely, some of it…well, some of it needs to be fixed. Haha! Our plumbing is new at least!
@Kaitlin, Don't beat yourself up. Many of us have been there even without having moved/having a special needs child. When I had to start cleaning/decluttering my enormous marital home for sale, a year after my husband left (especially considering my daughter's room which was....something out of a horror show, she had emotional issues), I put an ad in Craigslist that said "Nonjudgmental cleaning help needed! I am mortified at this house and I need help! Please, I know it's awful...." etc etc. It's OK.
@Rose,
I love that you put in that Craigslist ad! That's so incredibly smart. And you're so right.....anyone who knows your situation (such as @Kaitlin with her medically complex child, unpacking, other children to take care of, etc.) would not be judgey about a dirty house. I am way harder on myself than I would ever be to someone who needed a helping hand.
Oh my goodness, Kaitlin... I love your mom! Her Christmas game cracks me up! I sometimes leave the yard sale price sticker on clothes I buy ahead for my kids so I can look back and think, "Wow! I can't believe I got those jeans for $1!"
Your advice of only buying what you love has saved me from a lot of purchases these last few years. I wish I had learned that earlier.
Thanks for the advice on helping families with medically complex members. My number of friends in that community is growing (thanks in part to being at a church that has prioritized caring for special needs kids, which I'm really excited about) and I know that I can do better at supporting these friends and their families. Sometimes I get stuck in the "I don't know what to do" but your words here are really helpful for me: "Jump in and offer what you’re available to give, whether it’s a meal on Wednesday night or child care on Tuesday morning from 10-12, or mowing the yard twice a month."
Thanks for sharing a bit of your life with us. I hope you quickly find a loving community in Minnesota!
@Ruth T, I love that your church is seeking to love those who have non-mainstream needs. It’s an area for growth in the American church.
Thank you for sharing, and I agree with Kristen - thanks for sharing pictures of yourselves! (I only wish there was some magic filter on the website that would help me remember everybody as well as Kristen does - so often I have a vague recollection about something a reader wrote but can't remember who - I'm always impressed when readers call those things to mind and remember each other)
I appreciate your story and your advice about providing help. I also admire your flexible approach to moving. We haven't moved often, and sometimes I just feel the weight of a house full of stuff that nobody has had reason to prioritize. (I get rid of "my" stuff, but it's a drop in the bucket..)
Also just want to say - I don't know where you find the time, but your quilt is beautiful! Love those blues...
Kaitlin, I bought a dark sofa set like that when we lived in a house of light colors more than ten years ago. It went great with the dark stone fireplace in that house. Our house of the past decade has genuine mahogany paneling throughout and is somewhat dark, so the dark sofas don't work anywhere near as well. However, they are extremely well made -- anything comparable now would cost the earth, so I'm making them work with bright throw pillows and art on the walls to lighten things up.
Your children are beautiful and your dogs are adorable! I have a great weakness for herding dogs, so the bright face of your little cattle dog is so sweet.
Kaitlin,
I had to laugh about your sofas as your biggest "fail." My husband bought black leather couches, around 40 years ago (long before we ever met.) He brought those to our marriage so I have been using them for 24 years. They are still (fortunately?) in great shape. I was hoping they would break down so I could get something new like Brown Leather couches. I love yours!
@Susan, Oh man! I really dislike black leather furniture. It's just....too dark. I have had two dark green leather sofas I loved. One was good for about 25 years, through children and puppies and family life; the second didn't last so long because my teen daughter insisted on sleeping on it after her dad left and was having bedwetting trauma....that one had to be tossed after five years. I love green.
Those brown couches are great, but pairing brown with warm colors pillows wil make they more inviting. Nuance of tangerine, orange and mokka wil make them look very different. Right now you mainly have cold colors pillows. Not money saving and if you hate warm colors.
@Bella Lewin, I hadn’t thought about it that way. I have other pillows, but those were the first out of the boxes. I’ll have to see what I can find. Part of the frustration is that our previous two homes were so dark and the brown couches took more light out of the rooms. I’m finding I don’t mind them here as much because we have so many windows and everything is bright inside.
Kaitlin, you are such an inspiration! Your strength of character, trusting in God, accepting all the changes and challenges in your family’s life and going through all of the especially hard stuff so gracefully clearly comes out in what you have shared with all of us! I hope you continue to receive help from neighbors and friends. Your attitude of joyful contentment must be such an encouragement to all who know you. I will be praying for you and your family that all of your needs are met and that you receive times of rest and refreshment when you need it!
Amen to what you said about the hard part of frugality. I have to be on the lookout that the consumerism that is around me all the time doesn’t permeate my brain. It is hard - at least for me. No kids right now, but every once in awhile I hear a little entitled 2 year old rear up in my brain. Thanks for saying it out loud.
So nice to read your post. Well written and beautiful photos. I can't imagine moving so often. My husband wanted to move closer to his job in Philly (he commuted from our apt in NYC) and I was having a fit. We never moved thank goodness. Unfortunately, he was let go. But they let him retire.
Inn 1911 there was a fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory in 1911 that resulted in many deaths because fire doors were locked. I applaud your clothing buying decisions. I like nice handbags. Started with COACH outlet store and they gave shareholders a special discount, moved on to Dooney Burke, had a Jessica Simpson that I first saw in a PEOPLE magazine ad. I had been reading PEOPLE since the first issue. But now I don't recognize the people they write about, so I cancelled my subscription.
Now I prefer Radley of London. I wear out my purse and then get another. My wallet is ancient, but it has a spot for your driver's license that I use for my wedding picture. Most wallets don't have that feature anymore.
Ah the leather couches. I once wanted one very badly. My husband found one in our apt complex and brought it home. During the summer I stuck to the and it was not comfortable. Now we have a microfiber reclining couch from MYBOB'S furniture that is the most comfortable couch I have ever sat in.
Good luck to you and your lovely family. Thanks for sharing your life with us.
Great to meet you! I met many parents of kids with challenges during a special work project several years ago. Championing these kids takes extraordinary parenting. I'm so glad you have found ways to make it work, and to fight the consumerism all around us. Less stuff is really a better life. Thanks for all the reminders, Kirsten et al!
P.S. We bought our house 30 years ago; it was built in 1895 and added onto, we think, sometime in the 1920s. It has been gratifying to shine it up and bring it up to a modern standard for electricity and plumbing, and enjoy the parlors. Nothing in it is a standard size so our tip for you is to find an old fashioned hardware store that will help you with all the nonstandard fittings. There must be one or more in MN, as frugal homeowners keep these businesses going. Ours has been so helpful, cutting screens to order, pipes and fittings, and helping us find replacements for worn out details.
My husband and I also bought our home sight unseen (except for a shaky cellphone video our realtor sent us). We'd previously made two offers on houses that had fallen through, so knowing the part of town we wanted to live in, we jumped in with both feet. Twelve years later, we're still happily in the same home.
Hi Kaitlin! My daughter has a rare genetic disorder and it is so nice to see other families that look like mine on mainstream portions of the internet. I can't imagine moving with my daughter - partially for moving all the supplies and partially for changing doctors, medical facilities, insurance, Medicaid, etc. I wish the best for you and your family.