Forget the mistake, remember the lesson
Last week we were at an ice cream shop that encourages customers to write/draw on post-it notes and then stick them up on the walls.
This one caught my eye, and not just because of the misspelling.
I (and probably lots of other money-conscious people) have a really hard time letting go of it when I make a mistake that costs us money.
It can be a big mistake or something as small as a library fine, and still I tend to obsess a little* over what I should have/could have done differently.
I don't think that's very healthy.
*Is it even possible to obsess only a little? Obsessing is by nature not a little thing!
I mean, of course I think it's smart to avoid stupid spending decisions and mistakes.
But all of us, in spite of our best efforts, will do dumb things that cost us money. No one can perfectly manage their lives or their money all the time.
So, mistakes are going to happen.
And honestly, what good does it do to beat ourselves up about our mistakes? What's done is done, and we can't change the past.
What's important is to learn from that mistake so that you hopefully don't repeat it again in the future. That's where the value of a mistake lies (not in the obsessing-over-it part!)
Now, if I can just remember this next time I make a money mistake...
When our daughter played on a town basketball league in elementary school, she was on a team coached by Keith, a family friend. After a game, Keith would pull the kids aside and say, "Here's what they did better than us . . ." And those skills were the ones he would prioritize during the next practice. Keith could have told the kids they weren't getting enough rebounds or that they needed to pass the ball around more but he didn't focus on how they were lacking - he focused on how they could go into the next game better prepared. I have always loved his approach and it's a lesson I will never forget.
Sure, we sometimes beat ourselves up over mistakes, especially if we consider them foolish mistakes. But there's no advantage to that. It's much better to examine those mistakes so that we learn and understand why they were bad choices, then take a deep breath and move on - knowing that we're better prepared for future challenges. Mistakes are not failures when they're used as stepping stones to knowledge and personal growth.
Well said, Mary!
I really needed this today. I have been really beating myself up about a DOUBLE money mistake. First, I bought an item without seeing it first, which I hate to do. It was a Pampered Chef baking pan, and because my toaster oven one is so work and has black flecks, I thought I'd get a bit bigger one to replace it. We use it all the time so the $35 price was fine. But it was TOO big, I didn't account for the little handles when I measured I guess. THEN we had spring break, kids sick, work piled up etc and I didn't return it in time to get free shipping refund. So I still have this thing sitting in the box and have been unable to sell it online yet. So not only did I buy the wrong product but I didn't ship it back to get a refund and I've been mad at myself! Grace! Thank you.
This is totally the kind of thing I would obsess about! So I completely sympathize.
Sometimes it helps me to think about the big picture...in five years or even one year, is one $35 mistake going to seem like a big deal? Probably not. It'll just be a blip on the radar.
I have a folder of papers relating to a small inheritance I received when I was 21. I went through a rough time in college and some of that money was horribly wasted. I have kept that folder and literally have not looked at it 20 years because I'm scared of seeing how badly I did. It is this weight that sits in the corner berating me.
It's so easy to beat ourselves up on a daily basis even for small things. I'm struggling with it.
Victoria: If you made the best decisions you could have made at that point in your 21-year-old-life, you made the best decisions you could have made at that point in your life. The end. (I took twenty years or so to accept this for myself).
If the accounts or statements or whatevers in that folder are for things you no longer own, they can be disposed of, either in a ceremony or in a quick shredder action. No one can hold you accountable for them. You might even find things weren't as bad as you recall. If you still have the accounts, what they are worth now is all that matters, because they belong to the good person you are now! Good luck!
Hi Victoria, we are all mistake makers, we cannot go back but we can decide to forgive ourselves & make better decisions based on what we've learned. An old friend use to tell me 'failures are teachers'. No-one knows the future except God, no-one knows the best financial strategies ( see GFC) there is no guarantee that if you had invested the money you will still have it today but you do have something infinitely more valuable - YOU! Forgive yourself, be glad that you would do differently now & use what you have learned to grow & to bless others - which by the way you have already begun to do as other people who read your comment will be blessed by your learning, thanks for sharing
Thank you, and to Heidi as well. I looked through the folder today. It was a chunk of money wasted but not as bad as I remembered. I had severe depression at the time and it could have been worse. But more than half of the money went on a deposit for a house and with some skill and some luck that money has increased through two properties. Which was the hope of my great uncle when he arranged the inheritance.
I know I need to take this learning and apply it elsewhere. It's funny, as I have a chronic illness I also beat myself up about the spending and wasting of energy too. And it's the same with money. The energy is spent and gone so I need to move on to what energy I have now and apply it to what needs doing.
Thanks, this has been a thought provoking post!
I'm so glad it wasn't as bad as you imagined. And I hope that this will be a step in letting go of it for you!
I’ve found that I beat myself up over almost any mistake I make, money-related or not. And that’s just not healthy. Life is a learning process and mistakes of all kinds are part of the process. Perfectionists like myself tend to struggle with this.
Amen, sister!
This is a great post. I like how you got the idea from a post-it note stuck on a wall! I have a hard time letting go, as well. We've made a couple of big money mistakes in the past, which have hurt us some in the long run, but the best thing to do is carry on and think more carefully for future decisions. I have finally had enough time to let go of them, and understand that the past can't be changed, but here's what we can do for the present and future now that we are wiser. And there are a number of small mistakes that I've made myself, that I still feel a twinge of embarrassment over if I think about them.
At least, in our case of the big mistakes, we both were in on the decisions and can admit that we did this as a couple, without pointing fingers at each other. What would be really hard, I think, is for one half of a couple to have to get past a large foolish financial decision the other half made.
I'm thinking of a friend's father, who retired with a comfortable, company-paid retirement after 40 years at one company, and he decided (on his own) to take it in a lump sum and invest in -- I'm not kidding -- a treasure hunting business off the coasts of our state. Of course, he lost it all, and I wondered how on earth his wife dealt with this for the remainder of their lives, scraping by and eventually losing their home. I would have found that one very, very hard to forgive.
Oh my goodness. What a tough situation you described. The problem there mainly seems to be that he invested shared money without consulting his spouse. If you're doing something with shared money, you've gotta include the other person in the decisions!
A friend of mine, close to retiring, discovered that his wife of two years had secretly mortgaged the paid for house to pay for her gambling addiction. He is still working at 70 and is now divorced. Facing life poor and without the person he thought would be his life partner. He was pretty suicidal for a time. For about two months, I tortured my poor husband by examining every bill, even though my husband is honest to a fault. But I obsessed about being blind-sided. So, now I was obsessing about a mistake someone else made, not even my own!!
Both hubby and I have made mistakes that cost us money. Every time that happens, it pains me to even think about it no matter if the amount is $1 or $100.
Mr. FAF recently lost his wallet with AT LEAST $100 of cash in it. I try not to think about it too much, otherwise it's gonna drive me crazy just thinking about what we could have bought with such money. 🙁
You know, that brings up a related point. Forgiving our partners and kids for costly mistakes is just as important as forgiving ourselves.
I wouldn't want Mr. FG to pile guilt on me for a monetary mistake, and I should remember that when he makes a mistake. Same goes for our kids. Joshua's been beating himself up over wrecking the Civic and Mr. FG and I are reminding him that it's ok. Accidents happen, Mr. FG and I have both been in accidents that were our faults, and it's not the end of the world.
My mistake is not doing things when I was young. I’m trying to do them now but it seems like hard work. Like climbing a steep slope. As if I’m never going to get up there. I’m starting on the journey of saving money. It’s really hard not to spend (laughing)
My husband lost a wallet with $400.00 in it. He felt terrible but I kept reminding him maybe God had plans for some one in great need to find it. It hurt us but did not cripple us
I would beat myself up about that too, but if it helps, I once found £50. I kept it aside for a week waiting for someone to claim it and when no one did, I paid my utility bill. Maybe I could have done more to find the person, but it helped me out of a hole. And I've done my bit by going out of my way to return things when there is the opportunity to do so. Someone's mum made him buy me a box of chocolates when I found his phone on a bus and went out of my way to return it. They were so surprised that I hadn't stolen it!
Yes, this is a great thing to remember. Learn from the mistakes and let them go with as much grace as possible. I just had a friend say, I cannot change the past, only the future and I think both things go hand in hand. Once the mistake is made, you can learn and correct your behavior which is helpful and useful. If we obsess over the mistake and don't learn from it, then the opportunity is truly lost. I am going to try to keep this in mind. Thank you.
My life motto is “live and learn” short, easy to remember but true and comforting to me
I bought a great 10 inch cast iron pan but the pre seasoning is not good. I seasoned it again but I cannot seem to make it non stick.I am avoiding using it as I don't like to use a lot of oil or butter. SUGGESTIONS?????
And, oh yes,I love investing in good kitchen equipment.. it is a win win when I cook in my own kitchen.It is also like a "hobby" not just a neccessity,so how frugal is that..save money, have fun..??
Cast iron is never going to be non-stick in the same way as a teflon pan.
That being said, the more you use your cast iron pan, the better it will become. (As long as you're not soaking it in hot water or scrubbing it with tons of soap. A good scrub under warm water usually does the trick (and remember to dry it on the stove afterwards and swipe it with a little oil if you can remember). Using a little oil when you're cooking will help as well. It doesn't take a bucket load and fats are good for us! 🙂
Madeline,
I seem to recall Kristen's Friend Katy over at "The Non Consumer Advocate" had a nice tutorial on this very topic. The great thing about cast iron pans is that they can be very forgiving, which dovetails nicely with Kristen's message today.
I am 60 and my trail of mistakes is full of rocks and potholes. In my twenties, TWICE I left jobs within weeks of some kind of vesting, but I was young and that information wasn't as readily available as it is now. The good news is I persisted. Despite a late start and years of just dumping money into a Money Market Account because I was too scared to invest, I managed to figure it out and retire at 54. Keep learning, stay focused on your goals and they will happen!
My best tactic for coping with the kind of mistakes a lot of people are citing is to rationalize, rationalize, rationalize. As in "We'll, I'm sorry that [fill in the blank] happened, but I've spent more on that on shoes that ended up hurting my feet or a special occasion dress [ahem, bridesmaids] that I never wore again.* Keep looking forward. It all evens out over time.
*Off topic - I once threw a bridal shower with the theme "They Always Say You Could Wear That Dress Again. Now You Can." We asked everyone to wear an old bridesmaid dress. We all voted and gave prizes for the most matching accessories, worst dress, etc. Everyone got into the spirit. The bride's mom wore one of her daughter's dresses, and someone who had been a pregnant bridesmaid wore her dress with a huge pillow stuffed underneath. Some of us [ahem] had a hard time deciding which old bridesmaid's dress to select from their archives. Literally every guest had access to at least one (or six) of them. If not their own, a sister's or a friend's got called to service. It was a total blast. And nobody bought a dress for the occasion!
That's hilarious! I love that theme what a great idea - I would do that but I don't fit into the dress anymore 🙂
This rings so true! I hate wasting money.
I think that's why it's so hard to get rid of a shirt (or whatever) that was a mistake to buy in the first place (I bought it and therefore must use and get my money's worth out of it!)
I can probably recall the last ten or more times I wasted money or forgot to use a coupon, etc. Super unhealthy. This is why my new motto and way to encourage others is to be "better, not perfect".
Perfection has such stress alongside it and sometimes impossible goals that paralyzes us from doing anything at all. If I focus on doing better, I'm actually going to achieve that and have an easier time letting go of those mistakes along the way.
Loved what you wrote here: "What’s important is to learn from that mistake so that you hopefully don’t repeat it again in the future. That’s where the value of a mistake lies (not in the obsessing-over-it part!)"
I'm constantly telling my kids that it's a good thing to make mistakes as long as we learn from them and take the time to fix them if we can. Why is it so often what we teach our children is what we need to learn the most as well?!
I love that, I've recently started really embracing the 'better not perfect' just hadn't worded it that way, thanks for sharing
I sooo have this problem. Not just with myself, but often with things my husband spends money on as well. When you operate as a joint financial unit, it's hard not to obsess and regret things that the both of you have done. And they happen often, with two flawed humans using the same checking account. 😉
For me, it really helps assuage guilt to come up with a plan to fix it. Like, "We spent a lot on takeout this month. Let's watch our weekly takeout budget next month." It makes me feel like I'm back in control.
Yes I have trouble moving on from a Big money mistake. Builder half finished my house and told the bank he’d finished and the bank gave him all the money. He then went bankrupt. Bank denied it was their fault. I called a lawyer, he said it is impossible to sue a bank. So we are out more than $250,000. My wife says forget it. I can’t. Took all our savings and IRA retirement money to finish house. And at 76 I am still working - to pay the mortgage to the bank that basically stole $250,000 from us. Hard to move on, for me, my wife says forget it, move on.
Love your blog! From South Africa. In the 2 years I've been married. I made so many financial mistake and the biggest one is our house! I despise it and I don't know how to move on because we are stuck there for 19 years!
I've made some major financial & life mistakes. I've spent a lot of time regretting, berating myself & generally worrying & then I remembered that when we ask God to forgive us he doesn't hold anything against us, even better this life is not all there is - the best is yet to come! there are a lot of very unhappy wealthy people & a lot of very unhappy poor people but I resolve to trust God with my life, believe his promise to me in his word that he will provide all my needs & be with me always. I have decided to forgive myself & enjoy creating ways to learn & grow from my mistakes too. The world & the enemy tell us many negative things about our mistakes but I say ask God to forgive you, forgive yourself, ask God to provide & show you what he wants to do in your circumstance.
Although I don't necessarily consider it a mistake, Hubby and I joined a brewery (!) this weekend. It was a chunk of money up front, but will be cheaper to visit there from now on and we enjoyed ourselves, meeting new people and finding a fun place to visit more regularly. (I was starting to think we'd be rather isolated in our new small town...) My favorite saying lately is "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good". It was a good mantra for the weekend as we built a patio out of recycled pavers in front of our "barn" on the weekend property. It's not perfect, but it functions!
I think the spelling mistake might be on purpose? Forget the (literal) mistake and remember the lesson (on the card)? A double entendres?
My grandmother always says “onward and upward!”
It could be!
Why some People Never forget the mistake you did to them even it's already been a long time ago?