A free way to make the world more pleasant
There are people in our world who hold a belief that astounds me. It goes something like this: "If someone is doing a paid service for me, I shouldn't have to say thank you to that person. They are just doing their job."
I have heard people say this in real life, and I've also seen people share this perspective online.
How I feel about said perspective:
Which reminds me...many years ago, I was newly pregnant with Zoe, there was a heat wave, and the air conditioning went out at the same time. When the repair guy arrived, I practically wanted to fall at his feet and cry tears of gratitude (I hate being hot and sweaty!!). I restrained myself and just said something like, "Oh my gosh, I am SO GLAD you are here. Thank you, thank you!" And I remember he told me most people are just angry at him for not being there sooner.
While in the most technical sense, it is true that you don't owe anyone a word of thanks (saying "thank you" is not generally written into the contract), I am puzzled why anyone would choose this as a hill to die on.
I mean, saying, "thank you" is literally SO EASY.
I also can't fathom why anyone would want to live in a world bereft of gratitude. Who doesn't enjoy a little appreciation?
I am also completely unable to understand the position of not wanting to say thank you to someone else. I feel like it just bubbles up, and I think I'd have to actively work to keep myself from saying thank you.
In addition, expressing thanks brings joy to other people, which in turn brings joy to the person saying "thank you"! Isn't it fun to see someone's face light up when you express gratitude? It's a symbiotic relationship; both parties are blessed by expressed gratefulness.
I was talking about this with a patient last week, and after the conversation, I was noticing how many times my coworkers and I say thank you to each other.
The virtual nurse says thank you to me when I get the patient ready for her to do a discharge, and then I say, "Thanks so much! You're the best!" when she tells me the patient is ready to go.
I say thank you to the dear people who take the trash out of patient rooms (because OHH do you notice it when that trash sits!).
The PT/OT/CT/X-ray people say thank you to me when I get a patient ready to be seen by them.
I say thank you when a provider answers a question I have about a patient.
I say thank you to the unbelievably detail-oriented specialist who manages the tedium of payroll.
Many patients say thank you for everything I do for them, sometimes even when it's an injection.
My nurse co-workers and I say thank you to each other when we are willing to go sign off on insulin dispenses (you need two nurses for that and sometimes it's hard to find one!)
I say, "Thank you for reminding me!" when a patient asks a second time for that cup of ice water because man, I genuinely meant to get it but I just got sidetracked.
(I usually say, "It's always ok to remind me!")
When I call down to distribution to ask them to send up an item I need, I always say, "Thank you so much! I appreciate you." because my goodness, that saves me a long walk to retrieve it myself.
I REALLY say thank you when the plumbers come to fix a clogged toilet in a patient room. Ha.
One could argue that all of these examples are just someone doing their job. But I see no harm (and plenty of value) in expressing appreciation for that. 😉
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I know people vary in what encourages and motivates them, but my goodness, I personally love being in an environment filled with appreciation.
When my patients say thank you to me (even though I am just doing my job), it makes me even more motivated to do a good job; the appreciation is so rewarding. It's the exact opposite of a vicious cycle.
Maybe you are already the kind of person who sprinkles gratitude into the world wherever you go. If so, carry on!
If you aren't...well, I don't want to tell you what to do (I'm not the bossy sort), but I'm gonna suggest giving it a try. 🙂 It's quick, it's easy, it costs you nothing more than a few seconds, and it'll improve basically every environment you are in.
Most of us come into contact with dozens of people each week, which means there are many chances to spread warm appreciation as we move through the world. What a lovely opportunity we all have!
I know this is not going to solve the heartbreaking problems going on in the world right now, but it will bring a bit of sunshine into someone else's day. And that is not nothing. 🙂
I'm sure all of us have at least one experience of being on the receiving end of gratitude, and I'd love to hear how it affected you. Soo.....
Tell me about a time someone encouraged you by saying, "Thank you!"
P.S. Some people bring the "no need to say thank you when it's your job" attitude into marriage and parenting, and I think that's crazy work too. It's not that hard to say thank you, and odds are very good that it will improve relationships!
P.P.S. Most people in the world are annoyed when they encounter an entitled attitude, which is sort of the opposite of a grateful attitude. So, this is my little entitlement resistance: spreading gratitude instead.
Entitlement resistance! Love it.
I think a lot of this perspective is natural when one self-examines and doesn't think themselves better than anyone else. I don't believe I'm better than my students just because I'm supposedly older and wiser (though of course I'm in charge to direct things and I do! I just ALSO leave space for students to be themselves and an open mind for me to learn things from them too). I don't believe I'm better than other employees at the school - that my program matters more or my ideas are better than all the other things going on simultaneously. We are truly all in this life together and need one another. For example, I would love to work in foodservice, but I can't prep the school lunches and teach at the same time. So we rely on the nutrition service team and say thank you and cheer for their team to do the best work they can do providing for the students.
I used to work for a facility that was resistant to employee appreciation because "their paycheck is their appreciation." (Insert shock and awe emoticon). The people who feel gratified and satisfied as humans JUST because of a paycheck, especially in the long term, are quite few and maybe nonexistent. I have also encountered coworkers through the years who don't pitch in for a custodian's informal Christmas bonus from the people working in the area they clean. It's their money, their choice, OK. But I can't help but shake my head when the potential giver's attitude is that "they already get a paycheck." I think this sentiment comes from a true lack of empathy and understanding.
I know being the recipient of genuine gratitude does wonders for my own well-being, so I will keep trying to spread it.
I raised my children with the phrase, "manners are free, and it costs you nothing to be polite"
It has served them well in life!
They are often noticed for a simple 'please' or 'thank you'.
I live in Melbourne, Australia. We thank bus drivers and taxi drivers as we alight. We thank tram drivers if we are on a tram where the driver can hear us. Ours is not a tipping culture, but we pretty much always thank our servers, receptionists, plumbers, everyone really. We thank drivers who give way to us on pedestrian crossings (with a wave, we don't force open the car windows 😀 ). It absolutely never hurts us to thank someone for doing something for us, even if we also pay them. It shows appreciation and gratitude for them doing something that benefits us. And it might not solve all the world's problems, but it absolutely won't hurt!
Also from Australia here, and yep we do this all over. Big cities and small towns alike. Folks call ‘thank you’ as they leave cafes and restaurants, wave thanks at other drivers when they let them in, say it to service providers in person, on the phone and online. Seems an ingrained habit! I haven’t heard people say that paying someone exempts you from thanking them.
When I think how much a little appreciation means to my mood, I find it easy to express appreciation to others. Bus drivers and train conducters for instance, mentioned in earlier comments too. Delivery people and newspaper boy, ditto (at the end of the year we tip them and I make sure the tip goes in an envelope with a handwritten card, thanking them for their dependable delivery in all weather). Hospital and shopping staff, etc etc. Also strangers, holding doors, making room for each other in a queue etc.
I've been thanked for my contributions at work, that I am paid for, and for what I do around the house, that I do for myself as well as my loved ones.
The best thanks are not the words, but the thanks when the eyes light up. Those really make me happy. I am happy to say I encounter friendly people each and every day.
I am a thanker and have been even more so since life went sideways during the pandemic and employees were risking their lives to serve us. I thank people that answer the phone for a living (customer service reps, patient schedulers, etc.). I appreciate people that perform jobs I would not want to do. I tip generously (not frugal but in line with my values and something I can afford to do).
I believe there can be a ripple effect of niceness/kindness spreading and these days especially we need to do all we can to start/add to those ripples.
I had to mentor someone at work and she thanked me profusely, more than once, and it meant a lot. I was very touched when she said she wanted to sit next to me in meetings because I gave her confidence (partly as I have issues with seeing myself as inspiring confidence, but that's another post).
I truly don't understand people who don't thank service workers, or say 'they're just doing their job' (especially after having worked years in retail; the stories I could tell). There's a scene in Malcolm in the Middle where a snobby neighbour is rude to a gardener and says something along the lines of 'he's just the help' and the mother shouts 'he is not the help! He is a person you hired because he has a skill; a skill you do not have!' We owe a lot to people in jobs which aren't respected nearly as much as they should be and I always say thank you, even if there is an issue.
Years ago I had a student who smiled and said a quiet thank you as she left my class every day. I taught for 31 years and she was the only one who did this. Of course it meant a great deal to me then and even now, retired for quite some time.
By the way thank you, Kristen for all your blog entries—I have read them all, especially “A Word” and those about your children and educating them.