A blog swap with a pessimist
You guys probably remember Elisabeth from when she did a Meet a Reader post! A little while back, I thought that it would be fun for us each to write a gratefulness-themed post for each other's blogs, since we come to our gratefulness practices from pretty different directions.
Elisabeth said yes, so she's here today, and then next Wednesday, I'll be posting over at her blog. 🙂 Here's Elisabeth:
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If the title of my blog doesn’t give it away (The Optimistic Musings of a Pessimist), I’m not someone who naturally leans into optimism and gratitude. Saying that I have a regular gratitude practice is a relatively new - and, I’ll be honest, surprising - development.
In some ways, I think I was pushed toward embracing gratitude less by choice and more out of necessity. When life felt chaotic and overwhelming, gratitude became one of the few things I could control. (And I do love to feel like I’m in control; can anyone else relate?)
It started as a survival mechanism but, over time, paying attention to the good things around me started to have an unexpected impact on how I approach life and interact with others.
Maybe I should rewind for a minute…
I don’t know the exact mix of amino acids that led to my pessimism, but I’m convinced it’s genetic.
One of my parents (okay, okay, I’ll rat him out - it’s my dad!) is a world-class pessimist - if the sun is shining but there's a 0.1% chance of rain, he will don a slicker while stockpiling canned goods and warning anyone who will listen that there might be an impending storm.
Dad rarely complained and regularly modelled appreciation, but pessimism was an unmistakably dominant trait. For me, pessimism was the first breadcrumb on a trail leading toward discontentment.
As a kid I was generally happy (I think?), but in my tween years I started struggling with my mental health. Middle school and high school were…middle school and high school: explanation unnecessary.
University was a blur of intense academics, capped off with a whirlwind, made-for-Hallmark romance with my now-husband.
Marriage brought its own challenges. We chose unconventional career paths while navigating the exhaustion of starting a family. I spent nearly a decade struggling to see the bright side of life through sleep-deprived eyes.
Looking back now - with older and (hopefully) wiser eyes - I can see how fortunate we were. How many great moments we had, and how all those growing pains led me here. But goodness, it felt like such a slog for so many years.
The last decade hasn’t exactly been a cakewalk, either. If anything, the stress intensified and 2020-2024 was the darkest, most difficult period of my life.
In 2021, at the height of the pandemic, I started a blog, which I’ve come to see as my version of a sourdough starter. I poured my emotions into writing and was shocked at how much better it made me feel. Then, in August 2023, my blog was accidentally deleted.
Poof. Two years of work lost to the ether.
Yes, I cried.
A lot.
One of my regular blog features was called Casual Friday, a weekly recap that often included the airing of current grievances. Gratitude was not a recurring theme.
When I rebuilt my blog - new name, new space - it felt right to launch something different. That very first week, Happy Things Friday was born. Life still felt like it was crumbling around me, but hunting for happy things throughout the week became a life vest.
My technique was pretty basic - I set aside a section in my weekly planner labeled happy things and then I wrote a blog post all about them on Friday.
(Almost two years later, I’m still recording gratitude the same way - here’s the post that matches the pictured “happy thing” page in my planner.)
And my life started to change. I know, I know - it all sounds hopelessly cliché! At first the changes were so small they were imperceptible, but in hindsight I realize a foundation was being laid.
I had read stacks of books about gratitude - how to model it for kids, its spiritual significance, how it boosts happiness and longevity - but the messages never really managed to permeate my heart. Perhaps it was a case of "When the student is ready the teacher will appear"? I hadn’t been ready, and now I was desperate to learn.
Here’s what I won’t do: I won’t claim that keeping a record of daily gratitude moments will radically change your life. But I do believe it will improve your outlook.
Mary Oliver said: Attention is the beginning of devotion.
I think attention is also the beginning of gratitude. When we notice the good, we’re more likely to share the good. And by seeking out even the smallest bright spots, we start to literally rewire our brains. (It’s true!)
Life is hard. Objectively, some circumstances are almost unthinkable. I like to believe there’s never a threshold where gratitude becomes impossible and thankfully I’ve never endured suffering that made me question it entirely.
But I do know this: gratitude isn’t about ignoring pain or pretending hardships don’t exist. It’s about being present and acknowledging the good that still remains.
Some days, gratitude is a struggle. At the end of a hard day, I sometimes have to dig deep: a hot shower? The lone daffodil I spotted on my walk? Other times, gratitude rushes in effortlessly:
- Antibiotics for my child with pneumonia!
- My mother’s voice when I show up at her door.
- Clean drinking water.
- Receiving a card in the mail from a friend.
- The smell of peach shampoo at the hair salon.
- A cardinal flying past my kitchen window.
- The funny meme a friend texted me.
- Skipping a stone over the surface of a calm lake.
- Quiet.
- Watching White Christmas with my best friend [my favourite movie of all time] while wearing cozy pajamas.
- An evening walk with my husband.
There is no framework. No right or wrong way to practice gratitude.
What works for me might not work for you, and that’s okay. Start wherever you are. (Or don’t!)
I’ve come to see gratitude as a Choose Your Own Adventure story. We’re all reading from the same book, but the path we take through it can be wildly different.
Maybe you’d find it helpful to jot things down in the Notes app on your phone, use a journal, a planner, or a sticky note. Maybe you simply decide to start naming one thing you're thankful for before bed.
In February I organized a daily gratitude practice on my blog: The Finding Joy in Gratitude Collective - more affectionately known as F.I.G. Others could do something similar at work, church, or with a group of college friends.
I’ve thought about establishing a text thread titled The Smile Line, sharing small joys - a perfectly ripe strawberry, finding a $10 bill on the ground, an unexpectedly short line at the grocery store - and creating a shared data bank of positivity.
(On the flip side, I should probably also start a separate Frown Line; life can really suck sometimes and it’s important to give ourselves permission to be honest and real about the full range of human emotions, joyful and painful.)
Our family prays before meals and uses those moments to express thankfulness. Maybe you take weekly reflection walks. Maybe you have a gratitude jar, a daily gratitude alarm on your phone, or take photos of things that delight you - the painted rock you spotted while hiking, your favorite Christmas ornament that came from Great Aunt Bertha.
(I don’t have a Great Aunt Bertha, but I did have a Great Uncle Bob, so I always smile when someone says “Bob’s your uncle!” because it was true.)
There is no test you have to pass. No Gratitude Police patrolling your neighborhood, ready to issue a ticket for inconsistency.
Some days, maybe the only thing you can be grateful for is the simple fact that tomorrow is a new day.
And maybe - just maybe - there will be something joyful in it.
Listen. Smell. Taste. Touch. See.
Pay attention.
It might feel silly or disingenuous at first. If one approach doesn’t resonate, try another. But whatever form it takes, keep at it.
Because while gratitude may not change everything, it will change something. And that’s a great place to start.
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Elisabeth, thank you so much for sharing with us! I love how your gratitude practice has changed you, even as a self-professed pessimist. 🙂
I nodded at so much of what you said, particularly about the idea of paying attention. I think that is such an important part of a grateful life; to go through each day awake to the beautiful things that are there. 🙂 I know for me, writing Thankful Thursdays has helped me to pay better attention to the good in my life!
Hi, pessimist here! So glad to read your words, Elisabeth!
So many weeks lately, it's only the ( unfortunately rare) hot shower and cats that makes the gratitude list. And sometimes counting my blessings just makes the hard stuff stand out more. But we keep moving forward!
That's one thing I really admire about you, Elisabeth ( and Kristen!) - during the hard times, even when it's difficult, you keep going and get things done and look for some good. Fortitude and gratitude!
@mbmom11, I've often thought we have elements of kindred spirits @mbmom11 so perhaps our pessimism - and fight for gratitude - is part of that link!
Your cat photos brought me joy, and you know I love a hot shower 🙂
And what a great catch phrase: fortitude and gratitude. Love it!
@Elisabeth, hot running water is magic as far as I'm concerned.
Hi Elisabeth! Cool to see your Paris pictures - I was there very recently! I would love to visit Canada someday.
I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle of optimist and pessimist (realist?) I think there is a danger of optimism being used to brush away issues and/or not processing emotion, but on the other hand, I think it's very helpful to look for positive things and hope is a tool for revolution!
In my own life, if I am feeling sad, I try and sit with the emotion, and then look for the good. This helps with big and small things! Grounding your body is such great advice; I am always saying 'remember to breathe'.
@Sophie in Denmark, I highly recommend a visit to Canada! It is lovely (especially in the fall with all the beautiful foliage).
I hope to get back to Denmark soon! My brother and his wife live in Copenhagen. We've been waiting until the kids are more seasoned travelers to make this a family trip but I'm pretty sure we've arrived at that point 😉
I found The Happiness Trap to be such a helpful book and one of the big takeaways is to sit with our emotions. They're legitimate! They all deserve space. And I find if I don't try to fight the hard and legitimize it within my own mind/don't downplay it, it becomes easier to find glimmers of hope and things about which to be grateful.
@Elisabeth, I have extended family who live in Canada, but unfortunately in a remote area! I would especially like to visit PE Island thanks to Anne of Green Gables! My favourite teacher from school was Canadian, so that also made me want to go there. I hope you make it to Denmark!
Legitimising your emotions is so important! They are trying to tell you something and it's important to process. I like Brené Brown's work.
@Sophie in Denmark, PEI is lovely. I would recommend visiting on the fringe of the main season because it is a tourist hot-spot (late summer is ideal). It's so fun to take a walk through the actual wooded pathway Montgomery used as inspiration for her Haunted Woods!
@Sophie in Denmark, PEI is on my list too! I re-read the Anne books every few years and smile the whole time.
@Stephanie D., I am currently doing a reread!
@Sophie in Denmark, the danger you describe is called toxic positivity, and it is just as you describe it. Good for you for recognizing that danger.
@Stephanie D., Lucy Maude Montgomery is my favorite author— and I, too, read the Anne books every few years!
Good morning, Elisabeth, and good morning, Kristen! I think I too am somewhere in between being an optimist and a pessimist, although I definitely lean towards the optimistic side.
I love today's post and am looking forward to reading next week's post on Elisabeth's blog. Full circle kinds of things are very cool. What a great idea!
I'm off to work. Have a wonderful day, everyone. May we all find good moments today!
@Molly F.C., actually, I think while I worry about some things, I absolutely am much more of an optimist. I almost always think that things can change for the better.
@Molly F.C., I think that's where I have to admit that my default is pessimism. I *try* to be optimistic but I almost always think about the worst case scenario and assume the worst will happen.
My father was over for supper last night and I had to chuckle knowing my post would go up today. He spent a lot of time fretting about upcoming weather. It's like looking in a mirror!
I grew up between being an optimist and a pessimist. However, my husband is firmly in the pessimist camp, which has made me lean more towards being an optimist to make up for his glum view on life sometimes. (Being a pessimist is hard - I enjoyed reading your view of it and how it has effected your life since childhood)
We named one of our daughters a name that means “fight for joy” to remind us to find joy in the small things. I love the idea of doing gratitude before you family dinner each night. I am going to try to sneak that in.
@Faith, First, I just love that you named your daughter such a meaningful name. If we had had another boy I wanted to name him Judah, not because I love that name but because it means "This time I will praise the Lord" (I really struggled with the transition to becoming a mother).
Pessimism has definitely coloured my life from a young age. I think some aspects have been "positive" - for example, I always, always, always thought I would do poorly on tests and tended to overprepare and I'd always ace the test I was convinced I would fail (where friends who were much smarter than me - but more optimistic - thought they'd do fine, wouldn't study, and would get a lower grade). So I think there are elements of pessimism that can nudge their way into realism and a good work ethic but the line is so blurry.
What I'm trying to say is this: I wish I had been born a natural optimist, but I can appreciate that this particular personality bent has had some beneficial impacts.
@Elisabeth,
During hurricane season, the officials in Florida would tell us "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst." Maybe we should apply this philosophy in all areas of our lives!
@Fru-gal Lisa, Love it! Wise words. It can be easy to cast judgement on all forms of preparation ("you're being pessimistic") which is clearly a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I think some of pessimism comes from not rationally weighing the relative importance about what we're stressing/fretting. A hurricane is definitely a good reason to prepare for the worst.
I love this post! I am an optimist who was born into a family full of optimists. I do get upset, sad, and angry; however, it is short-lived. I married a pessimist knew only negativity. His family even asked question in the negative. For example, his mother would say "You aren't going to the store now, are you?" Where my mother would have said, "Are you going to the store now?"
Life in our 20s was hard for my husband. The world was dark. At my insistence, he went for counseling. I remember buying him a book by the cognitive therapist Dr. David Burns entitled Feeling Good. This was a handbook used to retrain your brain to overcome anxiety and depression. At its core was practice of gratitude.
I am glad that you have found the benefits of this practice. In some ways, I think that people who have made this journey are much more tuned into the world and see things much more clearly. Thus, they don't take things for granted.
An optimist like me thinks everything is great. We don't see the darkness and are often surprised when we encounter it.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
@Bee, I so appreciate your comment! "In some ways, I think that people who have made this journey are much more tuned into the world and see things much more clearly. Thus, they don’t take things for granted." This is how I currently feel.
Several traumatic things have happened to me in my life that I very much wish hadn't happened, but they have definitely made me a stronger, more grateful person as I've been able to process them (with the help of a trained, wonderful therapist).
On the smaller scale, coming from a natural bent toward pessimism/negativity, it does feel a bit like a whole new world now that I've put on some "gratitude glasses". And I am never surprised by the dark or hard and never thought about how pessimism has prepared me for that. Though, I suppose it's a bit like Jean Holthaus' quote about trying to prepare for the worst/what if's: "doesn't work any better than hitting your finger repeatedly with a hammer in case you happen to slam it in the door later in the day." I think your way of viewing the world is ideal.
My mom is an optimist, but I wonder if some of that is because my dad is such a pessimist. I wouldn't call any of my siblings outright optimists, but my brother and one sister take after my mom; another sister and myself take after my dad.
@Elisabeth, My DH leaned fairly pessimistic & it was often exhausting trying to project happiness & optimism for the sake of my children. I’m not sure why I felt like that was my job.
@Diane, I think we realize how much our mindset can impact...just about everything in life. And we want our kids to go through life with a positive attitude. So, it makes sense to want to model that. But it can be so exhausting, and I'm sure you felt extra pressure to compensate for your husband's pessimism. I try to remember that "my kids won't remember what I said, they'll remember what I did" and so I'm sure your optimism and positive attitude were a great influence on your children <3
@Elisabeth, thank you for your kind words. I love that thought. And I am going to start following your blog after your break ❤️
@Diane, Looking forward to connecting with you in my little online corner of the internet 🙂
Hi Elisabeth!!! I loved reading your whole journey here, and wow did I crack up at those "sun in my eye" photos - ahhhh, family photos are never without angst! I love your attitude of gratitude.
I am an optimist for sure, but I hope I'm not a crazy optimist. But I do tend to think "well, if x bad thing happens, then it will probably turn into y good thing!" Maybe this is an annoying tendency, I don't know, but it's how I think.
Thanks for a great post!
@Nicole MacPherson, You make my days brighter and I am very grateful for you <3
It became a running joke about our Mother's Day pictures. I think there were some other years with tears too. The flip side? EVERY SINGLE FATHER'S DAY the kids were all smiles. I am choosing not to take it personally.
Yay for the blog swap! What a nice surprise to see Elisabeth over at Kristen's house!
I think I am an optimist by nature, but I picked up on a lot of pessimism as a youngster and it's like I go into every situation expecting both the best and the worst. It just is what it is. I do love taking a minute to reflect on the good things, though.
@Birchie, You've got the best of both worlds, maybe, because it seems like the average of your personality = realist.
I also think that I've gotten better about honing in on my remembering self. I'm often feeling pessimistic leading up to something (and maybe even during the event), but when everything goes smoothly and better than expected, I now try to focus on the good and store that away in my gratitude bank. I still unconsciously default to pessimism a lot of the time - not all of the time - but there is a little birdie in the back of my brain that says you will remember this so differently than you feel right now.
Definitely a pessimist. I think it goes hand in hand with mental illness, though. They feed each other. Thankfully, I married a more optimistic person!
@JenRR, I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life and so has my father. While my mother and siblings with her more optimistic personality have not. I'm also very introverted (as is my father) and introspective. I wonder if those often tend to go hand-in-hand with pessimism.
I married a man much more optimistic than myself and he has made me funnier and more optimistic. Thankfully my pessimism hasn't seemed to rub off on him, and I'd say both my kids are currently optimists.
@Elisabeth, I think that optimism is a requirement for self-employment (thinking about your husband here). Perhaps choosing self-employment as an artist has helped me transition from a pessimistic approach… the continual triumph of hope over experience!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, What a fascinating insight that has never once crossed my mind but now seems blatantly obvious. Thanks ever so much for pointing this out.
I always say I would never, ever have chosen entrepreneurship outside of my husband's enthusiasm for it and it makes a lot more sense now that I think about our pessimism/optimism proclivities.
@Elisabeth, my observation is that needed to be a cockeyed optimist to start a business, because a rational person would not think they could beat the odds. And yet people do. My father, who is unrealistically optimistic, is a successful entrepreneur.
@WilliamB, I just can't believe I didn't see this before! My husband is definitely an optimist.
Holy cow, this was great. Thanks, Elisabeth!
I think I am a natural optimist. I will enter contests because I think I legitimately have a chance to win (and sometimes I do!) I lean towards "things will be fine" a lot more than "the sky is falling". But even my optimistic self struggles with things like that dumb inner voice that says "you're not good enough" from time to time (like it did earlier this week - yesterday I was thankful that a text from a friend in the midst of that gave me a needed and perfect pick-me-up.) I'm a natural optimist, but a recovering perfectionist. 😉
I agree that Thankful Thursdays have absolutely helped me to pay more attention to the good things in life! I don't remember things being worse before we started Thankful Thursdays, but I feel like Thankful Thursdays have added so much good to my life. I'm thankful for Thankful Thursdays.
Also, I'm so sorry you lost two years of work, Elisabeth! That's so sad. Kudos to you on your rebuilding efforts.
@Ruth T, Okay, I laughed out loud at this - I never, ever think I have a chance of winning any contest. In fact, last week at my ladies Bible study, they had a draw for a few prizes and I caught myself about to tell the women collecting names for the draw not to put mine in because "I never win". You know where this is going don't you?
I WON! A bouquet of beautiful tulips. And yes, they made it into my Happy Things Friday post 🙂
I am also a recovering perfectionist. It's a tricky combination with pessimism, but I can better appreciate so many of the challenges I had while younger now that I recognize I was aiming for perfection. (I cannot tell you how impactful therapy was for helping me loosen my grip on perfection.)
Slight tangent...One of my big trigger points is wanting everyone to like me. I read this quote in Gracie Gold's memoir and I think it has forever changed how I think about this. I'll post the quote in case it resonates with someone else:
"Imagine, my psychologist said, that you are the most beautifully-colored, luscious, ripe, flavorful, superior-grade mango that was ever plucked from a tree. You could be a mango larger and lovelier and more delicious than any other elsewhere in the world and it won’t matter to some people. To those who don’t like the taste of mangoes or are put off by their texture, you will be outright rejected for no reason other than mangoes aren’t their jam."
Some of us are mangoes and some people – for a variety of reasons – don’t like mangoes. And sometimes there is literally nothing we can do about it.
@Elisabeth, Ha! I love it! Such a beautiful thing to win.
The quote about mangoes is very thought-provoking. Thanks for sharing!
@Elisabeth,
I wish someone had taught me that "mango" lesson when I was young!
Another thing I've read that's along the same lines: sometimes people have a "dark" side. You may be a person of light. Dark abhors light, because light outshines darkness, and can even destroy darkness without meaning to.
Those people may not understand why, but because they are dark and you are light, they dislike you. Even though you didn't do anything to them. They may put this dislike into actions they take against you. But keep on shining your light anyway. The world needs more light. The world needs YOUR light!
Remember even Jesus Christ had enemies. If the Son of God didn't have everyone liking him, who are we to think everyone will like us?
@Fru-gal Lisa, Yes to all of the above!
Thank you for sharing this Elizabeth. I consider myself a realistic optimist. I do try to retain a positive attitude most of the time, but I temper it with a realistic view of life. While I would like it to be sunny, we do need rain sometimes and I accept it for what it is.
The older I get the more I realize most things are not worth stressing over. It's not easy as I suffer from anxiety, but I have learned to focus on the good as much as I realistically can and try to let things go.
BTW, when I was a kid I had a habit of making goofy faces or expressions in family photos. I never really liked taking staged pictures for some reason.
@AnnieH, I'm not sure you can get much better than this? A realistic optimist. And I appreciate your link to needing rain. It's true literally and metaphorically. Those tough times do actually end up helping us develop gratitude (see the photo above where one of my Happy Things was that it's not "two years ago")!
My kids loooove to make extremely contorted, goofy faces in photos. I try to lean into it and have a "silly" shot and then one where people are looking at the camera with their tongues in their mouths and their eyes open. A smile is just a bonus.
I like this idea! Thanks, both of you, for coming up with this.
Am I an optimist or a pessimist? I don't really know! There are times I see only the problems, and times in which I just assume things will turn out fine. I had a grandmother who was a relentless optimist. My mother tended to see the negative first, although she struggled against it. One of my siblings is an optimist and one is a pessimist. I guess I'm neither?
I realized after Kristen started Thankful Thursdays that I had not been taking time to notice things for which to be thankful. I started being more intentional about that, then about that time, my husband started having serious problems. It was a struggle sometimes to remember to be thankful for what things I could! Listing them in my daily journal helped and finding those thankful things helped preserve my sanity. Elisabeth - ack, it's so hard for me to write it that way, as Elizabeth is one of our multi-generational family names - anyway, you've inspired me to use more ways to note my gratitude. It makes such a difference in my outlook on life!
@JD, I'm glad I've managed to inspire you just a little. It's nice to shake up our gratitude routines. They can start to feel stale and rehearsed at times.
Not surprisingly, I am VERY used to having my name spelled with a "z"...and I have a niece named Elizabeth with a "z" and I have to think very hard when I spell her name because "s" is what comes naturally to me.
@Elisabeth, Ha, my name is spelled with a k and therefore often misspelled. And, my best friend at my work in the Museum was Elisabeth with an s. We each often received compliments on our names as spelled—along with a share of misspellings.
@ErikaJS, I once worked with someone who had to submit paperwork for me to get a work e-mail address that was my name@
Now, I had been working with this woman for TWO years, had signed my name literally dozens of times (with an "s") and she always addressed things back to me as Elizabeth with a "z". I had stopped paying attention, but when she submitted the request and told me my new e-mail address was ready as elizabeth@, I had to correct her.
She was gobsmacked and asked me if I had changed my name! Um...nope. You've seen it with an "s" 100s of times now.
My fingers always want to add a "z" when I type your name!! It's like muscle memory. Ha.
"Hi!" I'm Ally Bean. Elisabeth sent me this way. The interview is wonderful. You know I'm onboard with what Elisabeth has to say, she's been fun for years now. Love this attitude: "No Gratitude Police patrolling your neighborhood, ready to issue a ticket for inconsistency." Yep, rings true with me.
@Ally Bean, stick around! Kristen’s blog is so good, and the Commentariat is welcoming, encouraging, and a great place to pick up helpful information on many topics.
@Ally Bean, Thank goodness there is no Gratitude Police. I think I'd have a life sentence by now.
I'm relieved that, despite getting somewhat jaded from watching the world through adult eyes, I am MORE conscious of gratitude now than I was earlier in my life.
@Ally Bean, just here to say I love your name. It sounds happy!
@Stephanie D., You can't link to blogs easily in the comment section, but Ally has a blog! thespectacledbean {dot} com
Thanks, Elisabeth, this is a great post! I've always considered myself an optimist but the older I get, the more I struggle to see the good things. I think you may be on to something about being introverted and introspective affecting one's approach to positivity in general. I'm both and my viewpoint is strongly affected by past (negative) experiences. I'm also prone to adding 'qualifiers' to good experiences or happy things, as in, "I really enjoyed the museum, but it would've been better if we'd have picked a less crowded day." 😉
@Bobi, Oh dear, can I ever relate to this. I've never managed to summarize it nearly so concretely, but YES, I definitely "qualify" good experiences. Sigh.
I fight against it, but it's an easy default for me which I'm sure is bothersome to my companions.
Hi Elisabeth. Waving from the Maritimes!
I think of myself as an in-the-process-of-reforming pessimist, but I'm married to a man who always looks on the bright side, which is ironic, because my late mother-in-law was the most pessimistic person I've ever met. In fact it was her attitude that pushed me to work on being more grateful and positive. She once saw a two dollar bill on the ground--back when we still had them--and wouldn't pick it up because she reasoned that if it was laying there it must be counterfeit!
@Darlene Too, Hi! A fellow Maritimer. How wonderful. I'm curious what province you hail from? We're a small but mighty crew <3
Now that I think of it my dad is a pessimist second and frugal (some might call it cheap) first, so he would DEFINITELY have picked up the $2 bill.
@Elisabeth, my dad and I used to race each other to phone booths to see if there was any change left!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, Love it! It feels like there are fewer chances to find cash these days with everyone using card. But the thrill of spotting money on the ground was such an adrenaline rush as a kid!
@Elisabeth, I'm in New Brunswick.
@Darlene Too, That's where my parents live; they head back that way on Sunday after spending the winter in Nova Scotia. The picture of my kids jumping into a lake was at Grand Lake in NB last summer <3
Great post. I love the honesty of it. I have always been known in my family as a pessimist and it really can be exhausting worrying about things. One time I went on a business trip with my husband and it was during hurricane season and I was very nervous about what was happening at home to the point his coworker gave him the Dale Carnegie book "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" for me to read. And I definitely come by my pessimism by way of my dad too.
My son always looked in our Easter pictures like your crying children. It's funny now.
I am definitely going to try to incorporate some of your ideas into my daily life.
@Carolyn, You are right - it can be SO exhausting. I think optimists don't necessarily understand that we're not TRYING to be negative it is just where our mind naturally wanders. I can look at any situation and see how it could turn sour/go badly. I have to actively work against that. It's a bit like an addiction; while my gut instinct for pessimism may be hard-wired, that doesn't stop me from putting things in my life that will prevent me from sliding into the depths of despair and negativity. But it IS WORK.
Hi Elisabeth, lifelong pessimist here. The weekly Thankful Thursday here have helped me see positive things in my life instead of fretting about all the things I worry about. I appreciate you sharing your journey with gratitude and how it has had a positive impact on your life.
@Beverly, I think Thankful Thursday (and for me Happy Things Friday) is a big boost because we don't have to think about when to be grateful. We have a schedule and routine. For me, that really helps. Maybe some people think it's more contrived that way but for me, it makes me far more likely to look for positive things in my life.
And writing them down helps me, too!
I love this! I have just finished re-reading Brightsided, a book by the late, great Barbara Ehrenreich, that talks about how the virtual REQUIREMENT to be positive and happy-happy all.the.time. is actually problematic, that not being able to just accept some stuff is sub-optimal and sometimes incredibly hard without being simpered at about ''looking on it as an opportunity'' or whatever, and that if you DO have a slightly pessimistic bent, it's seen as a flaw rather than, often, a very realistic view on current circumstances. Of course, when it tips over into terrible anxiety and spoils daily life / the good times, that's different, but that's the gist.
Anyway!
I would say that being Canadian and living in Canada would be The Dream for many, many people and I would always count that on your gratitude list. Incredible, varied, storied place with incredible people.
@Caro, Being a Canadian is such a honour and blessing. I didn't do anything to earn it, but by virtue of my birth country I have so many rights and freedoms that don't exist for many, many other women. It's easy to overlook/take for granted the very thing that people risk their life to be able to enjoy. Freedom and a beautiful country with wonderful people is something about which I need to forever be grateful!
I agree. I think there is such a fine balance. Is toxic positivity any better than pessimism? Life exists along a continuum and we're not made to be robots with static emotions. It's a GOOD thing we can feel sadness and loss and anxiety. It's just when those scales tip into rumination and crippling anxiety that it can really impact one's life. For me, therapy to work through some trauma has made a world of difference. To have someone validate that X,Y,Z shouldn't have happened to you relieved me of some guilt. It's okay to be upset about X,Y,Z - they are upsetting events!
I so enjoyed your post, Elisabeth. I am also a natural pessimist and have struggled with anxiety all my life. Those things seem to go together, at least for me. My brain will quickly run through all the ways a situation could go badly and decide that the worst outcomes are the most likely. Practicing gratitude has really helped, along with grounding myself and paying attention to what is actually happening, right here and now, instead of living in an imagined future where everything that could go wrong already has. I love being reminded of this every week with Kristen's Thankful Thursdays, because I have a hard time being consistent with my own gratitude practice.
@Elizabeth M, Pulling myself back to the moment - the only thing that is for sure and real - helps me, too! Great advice.
Only 2 choices? Realist.
I did say “somewhere in between”. 😉
I do tend to give too much attention to the negative. I think I needed this this morning. It's only 7:30 a.m. and I was focusing on a bad start to the day: I packed a lunch for work and left it on the dining room table at home. I wore a beautiful glass cuff bracelet but it fell off and shattered. But your post made me re-think my morning. Sure, I forgot my lunch but I keep a can of soup and yogurt in the fridge at work so I certainly won't go hungry. My bracelet fell off because I have lost weight and wouldn't have been able to wear it much longer anyways. As bad things go, these were so minor. I won't let them set the tone for my day.
@Lorraine, that’s exactly the right approach: “won’t let them set the tone for my day.” Congratulations on both foresight to have food at work for backup and the weight loss.
@Lorraine, Wow! Your reframing is incredible. I've been trying to do this exercise myself: when something irrelevant (some things deserve legitimate ire/concern) irks me, I try to make a list of the positive side of things. Like your forgotten-lunch-but-have-a-backup reframe of your lunch situation.
@Lorraine, this morning I thought I would stop at my little local post office to mail something before my class. When I got there I discovered the service window wasn’t open yet. Then on my way in to town I had to wait for a long train. The route I took to town has a road closed so I had to take a detour. I almost had to laugh at all the (small) obstacles to the start of my day. But it did get better.
Elisabeth, so good to hear from you on this crucial topic. (Loving your photos of Paris on your blog!)
I am a recovering pessimist; about 15 or 20 years ago I had a new friend who was the most positive person I’d ever encountered. Being with her taught me by example; her habit of always finding something good in every situation was contagious, and I am very grateful for her influence.
Did anyone else read this wonderfully inspiring memoir? "A Simple Act of Gratitude: How Learning to Say Thank You Changed My Life" by John Kralik
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, What a great reminder that the positive attitude of others can have a real and impactful ripple effect. I'm so glad you encountered that friend.
Is the book your reference the one where the author sends thank you notes to a whole bunch of people? If so, I did read it but was definitely in a more pessimistic stage of life, so I should re-read it again with fresh, more grateful eyes.
@Elisabeth, yes, that is the book. I loved the unique ways he phrased his notes. Wished I had taken notes on his notes!
I'm a natural pessimist with a big great aptitude for gratitude. Does that work together?!? I tend to expect the worst or, at least, the neutral. But I'm easy to please and I don't take things for granted.
Reading other answers I'm thinking I might be a ''realist'' and not a pessimist, after all.
@Isa, You've hit on another thing that can masquerade as pessimism and that is perfectionism. About some things I am sooo easy to please; in other areas of life I struggle to not want perfection (more from myself than others; I am my own worst critic). For example, if I made 99/10 on a test in university, I would always, always ruminate on the one question I got wrong. I'm a maximizer for a lot of things (thankfully a satisficer on others) - but I'm trying to move the needle on that.
@Elisabeth, I always had the opposite problem, I am not a perfectionist but for many years I doubted my ability to master things I wasn't good at.
Elisabeth, what a fantastic post! You are a very gifted writer.
Optimist here! I think I was born this way and have probably been able to stay positive throughout my life because it's been pretty idyllic and because I dislike marinading in things that have already happened and cannot be changed for the better. I accept when things suck and am usually able to move on, although I've been in a situation for the last eight months that has tested me greatly and leaves me in grief and despair almost daily. Like you, I love to feel like I'm in control (and can fix things) so this situation is especially hard.
My husband leans negative so that can be a relationship challenge for both of us, but for the most part I think we benefit by balancing each other out.
As an optimist, I have immense gratitude for everything I have and every night I hold my hands over my heart and say to the universe: "Thank you, I am so very grateful for my life." Oddly, it is hard for me to participate in Thankful Thursdays because I am uncomfortable sharing specific, personal things for which I am thankful even in anonymity.
Thank you for writing. I will be rereading your words and all the comments from this wonderful community.
@MB in MN, Can I admit I cannot imagine ending each day on such a positive note. I keep a Five Year Journal and there have been a depressing number of days - admittedly, we had a long, intense situation (about which I had almost zero control which for me is horrific) we were dealing with - where the main summary from my day was "That was hard." I aspire to your optimism. It's refreshing and the world needs people like you to whom optimism comes so naturally!
Love the wording of "marinating" - it reminds me that where my attention strays my mind strays. It's one thing to dip my toe into negative emotions, it's another to marinate in them. The whole point of a marinate to to have something permeate the entirety - NOT what I want out of negative emotions.
@Elisabeth, I think my age plays a role here. Since I know of so many people who didn't make it to the age that I am (65 1/2) and some not even close to that, I make sure I'm grateful for every single day that I've been given even when I wouldn't want to repeat some of those days. I live as if I'm on borrowed time because I am (and so is everyone else).
@MB in MN, This gives me hope. I do find myself getting more grateful the older I get; age brings so much additional perspective. I hope I continue to become more and more grateful (not more and more jaded!) the older I get. And each day is a blessing when we consider the fragility of life. So many people would give anything to have what I have - a safe home, full mobility, access to clean drinking water and food, etc.
IT'S NOT JUST ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Today's gratitude is appreciation for someone else who KNOWS that they're naturally a pessimist but they're trying, ok guys? They're trying.)
@Molly, Oh Molly, it is definitely NOT just you. It's work and it's hard-wired and it's worth the effort.
As my mother - an optimist - likes to say: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!
I tend to be a pessimist, but maybe I should say "recovering pessimist," the same way one may be a recovering alcoholic (which I'm not; I don't touch the stuff!) My mom was always dissatisfied and vocal about it, and often angry. When I was a toddler, she'd want me to pick up my room. Let's say there were 50 toys out that needed to be put away; if I picked up 47, was playing with one, but still had two remaining items on the floor, I'd get yelled at --she'd be screaming at the top of her lungs --and punished. (Never mind the fact that, developmentally, it was an overwhelming task for a small child my age. And I probably had Attention Deficit Disorder, which was an unknown thing back then, and just couldn't focus on one chore that long without getting distracted.) She similarly found fault with my appearance, school work, and just about everything else.
But I eventually found a church that focused on more uplifting and positive messages and this helped a lot.
Today I am thankful for:
--My house being paid off
--Getting the front room painted and "wood" look flooring installed
--Having people to help me. Not only did some guys from church come over twice -- to move the heavy front room furniture out and then back in, but I'm also getting some volunteers from an animal rescue group to repair a fence -- replacing missing pickets, etc. They are not charging me any money for this besides the rehoming fee ($54) for the dog I'm adopting.
--The next-door-neighbors, who own the fence, giving permission for it to be patched.
-- Finding a young dog who looks like my sweet fur baby who died last fall (of cancer at age 16). And esp. for the lady who fostered him for almost a year, to keep him from being euthanized at the animal shelter. And for the fact she's got him well trained.
--Getting a Social Security check, and 2 other pensions. This keeps me from being stuck in the "working poor" class and propels me back into the middle class. (Praying they don't cut the SS.)
--Not having to substitute teach Every. Single. Day. to make ends meet. With my 3 pensions, I can afford to occasionally skip a day. I'm doing that today so I'll be home when they come to repair the fence.
--This blog and the NCA blog, where I can "visit" with like-minded frugalistas. Very enjoyable.
@Fru-gal Lisa,
I am so very sorry you experienced that level of abuse as a child. That was not okay and was treatment no one ever deserves to receive from anyone, let alone an adult that is supposed to play a nurturing role in your life.
If you're like me, events from your childhood have reverberating impacts on life from that point forward, and I'm sure those experiences have shaped your personality. You are brave to share and to recognize you were unable to please someone who was unpleasable through no fault of your own. It makes my heart ache to think of what you went through and I hope you continue to be able to heal from those wounds - though scars always remain - that you never should have had to endure.
And what a blessing to be able to identify so many Thankful Things today. Thank you for sharing this uplifting list.
@Fru-gal Lisa, Parents like your mom were very common years ago. My mom was very similar, don't know that she was dissatisfied but she was a taskmaster, like many in that era. She even had a poem she'd recite endlessly when I didn't meet her standards:
When a job is once begun,
Never leave it till it's done,
Be the task both great or small,
Do it well or not at all!
Of course, "not at all" wasn't really an option. 😉
@Bobi, and @Fru-gal Lisa,
Looking back, I think my mom was dissatisfied and definitely a taskmaster. I think the dissatisfaction partly stemmed from having the expectation that she would be a stay at home mom, only to find herself working full time to provide the lifestyle she wanted. She would say she worked to make ends meet, BUT my mom was not willing to compromise. She would buy expensive things she wanted without telling my dad - which they would then argue about.
My mom insisted we spend Saturday mornings cleaning the house, and it was never, ever up to her standards. We also had chores to do during the week, and my dad would complain if his socks weren't folded just so, or there was a loose thread that ended up on his t shirt. There were almost never any compliments on my appearance, my school work (they pointed out the one B when all the other grades were As).Therapy has helped some, but there's still a lot to heal from.
Elisabeth and Kristen, Such a fantastic discussion point and person to lead it! Totally food for thought, to examine one's behavior and inclinations. I knew that the Commentariat would bring so many interesting perspectives that this blog post would need rereading when I have more free time later.
I’m cautiously optimistic. I can only worry over things for so long and then my nature takes a pivot toward what can be done about it. I have always been grateful for that tendency.
However, as an introvert, I have a hard time chiming in to discussions and laying things about myself out. Your post, Elisabeth, has helped me to think about that. Kristen’s Thankfulness Thursday posts have helped me greatly to find gratitude in so many ways, but I mostly say them to myself before going to sleep. On the bright side, it helps me to sleep really well.
@ErikaJS, It's amazing to me how reading about someone ELSE'S points of gratitude can really buoy my own spirits. I think that's why having optimistic friends is such a boost. By association we absorb some of their positivity.
Yay for good sleep. Now THAT'S something to add to a gratitude list.
Also, sharing our joys with others helps increase our enjoyment of our own blessings!
I could write so much, but I have to say I think that you wrote this post for me. Thank you!! I really appreciate all that you said!!
@Caitlie, Short comment, high impact. Reading this made my day <3
Luckily, I'm a natural-born optimist. I 100% agree that it's genetic- my mom and I are the optimists in the family and my dad and sister are pessimists. Deep down, I always feel that everything will be okay. But that doesn't mean I don't need some day-to-day reminders! I'm a graduate of the FIG Collective and still looking for "figs" every day.
@Jenny, "A graduate of the FIG Collective". Oh my goodness, I'm picturing all of us with grad caps and paper diplomas. Can you even, Jenny?! I feel like Michelle (MG Doodle Studio) could orchestrate this in her dollhouse with gnomes!!!! Dare I be so bold and request this?
I have the opportunity to pick my granddaughter up after school every day. Everyday I ask the question what one good thing happened today. Most days it is school is over, she is after all 14. One day,it was I passed my geometry test with the highest grade in the class. Some days it is the rain held off for PE class or today was pizza day. But I try to get here to see something good everyday. These years are very hard on kids. It is hard to get them to look outside themselves. Oh how I remember this age.
@Nancy H, What a lovely way to inspire gratitude in the next generation!
So great to see Elisabeth on here! Those mother's day pictures are everything!!!
I am a pessimist for sure, but try to give positive glimmers a chance- thank you for the fig club 🙂
@MomofChildren, You were such a vital member of the FIG Collective in February. So thank you for that <3
Now I can laugh about the pictures; at the time, it was pretty frustrating to have crying kids ON MOTHER'S DAY. Can't everyone just be healthy and happy on the day dedicated to mothering?!
Lovely post, Elizabeth! I went to the church office filled with bitterness and asked for counseling recommendations. Instead, I found the Bible app and gratitude reading plans. I realized I could eliminate bitterness with gratitude!
It was a profound shift about a life season I have little control over.
May I ask what is the difference between anxiety and pessimism? Your Dad sounds anxious? But it's really just intense negativity?
Thank you for sharing!
@April, What a great question! I'm not a trained therapist and I'm sure there are many specific and formal definitions of the difference between anxiety and pessimism and the many ways they can overlap. For me (and I think for my dad) our pessimism has more to do with personality and outlook. Anxiety (which I've also had in varying degrees) feels much deeper. It's like I can consciously control my pessimism, but anxiety will override the rest of my functioning and I can feel powerless to escape a spiral.
Elisabeth, both my parents were pessimists, my father about big things and my mother about everything. I am optimistic to an unreasonable degree. Sometimes my mostly pessimistic husband will respond to me with "ok now, Mary Poppins".
@Ava, My kids each had a primary teacher who I said reminded me of a real-life Mary Poppins. She brought SO much joy into our lives. So I would take that as the highest of compliments <3
Gosh, this was amazing, and I would like to share it in one of my emails soon. I think I'm naturally optimistic (just call me a Pollyanna) but it's definitely NOT genetic, LOL
XOOX
Jodie
@jodie filogomo, I'm sure there are lots of people who "buck the genes" - it's interesting that there is a clear dividing line between Dad's side of the family and Mom's. Dad's family are almost all pessimists; my Mom's family are all optimists and my siblings and I are a mix down the middle (though I'd say none of my siblings are optimists, but two are positive-thinking realists).
What a great post! I am an optimist who lives with a pessimist. I like the idea of us both naming one really good thing that happened that day when we go to bed at night. Today has been rough at work and health-wise for my kid, so I might end up with "I'm thankful for coffee." But tomorrow is baseball opening day here, so there will definitely be something I am thankful for! Even if we lose. A day with losing baseball is better than a day with no baseball.
@Stephanie D.,
My cousin always asked her children three things at the dinner table:
What was the best thing about today?
What was the worse thing?
What surprised you?
The adults played too. Now the children are grown, but we are still asked these questions when we visit.
@Stephanie D., Love this mindset! (Growing up I was obsessed with watching MLB).
I appreciate little routines that I can do daily that always bring joy. A cup of coffee in the morning. A hot shower. A spoonful of peanut butter. When I'm feeling low or pessimistic, it can really turn my day around if I make space for a ritual that I know will bring calm and/or delight.
I hope your week improves from here on out, including healing for your kiddo <3
Howdy! I just wanted to ask if you tried using the Wayback Machine to find your lost writing? It doesn't capture everything but it usually captures something! lol I've used it to find blogs and websites I made 20 years ago and forgot about lol It's a fun walk down memory lane : )
https://web.archive.org/
@malaizy, I did! I was able to get some things off Wayback Machine, but not enough that I could really rebuild the site with that.
Thankfully, I had all the text from my posts saved, but I decided to do a clean start (all my pictures would have had to be put back in, posts would have had to be backdated etc). My blog isn't a source of income at all - just a hobby - so I didn't *need* to get my "back catalogue" up.
At the time it was devastating, but now I can actually see a number of very positive things that happened because of the loss.
Your journey is so inspiring, Elisabeth. Thank you for sharing. It takes WORK to practice gratitude, and it's so much easier to fall into despair. But I have noticed the more I do it the better at I am with coming up at solutions for my problems vs just feeling victimized. Re: Kristen's prompt: I think I am in between and have the unfortunate trait of being a bit of an iguana depending upon who I am with. BUT I will say that Thankful Thursday has helped me keep gratitude more top of mind and be more intentional about using it when appropriate in more pessimistic company.
@Marissa, I very much agree that we absorb the attitude of those around us, even subtly. Like you, I find it easier to be optimistic in certain settings/around certain people; in other contexts, pessimism is my default.
This is a wonderful post, Elisabeth. Thank you for sharing! And thank you,Kristen, for giving Elisabeth the opportunity to share her story and strategies with us.
I am an optimist by nature but I’ve been through much sadness and brokenness in my life so I know optimism doesn’t cure everything. I’m also very sensitive to what people around me are going through so I’m careful not to jump into comments that trivialize their sadness or discouragement or pain. But I do try to encourage others with hope.
Elisabeth, I admire you for the ways you have implemented positive practices in your life so that you are becoming a more optimistic person. Well done!!
@Martha O., I think, in many ways, toxic positivity (or trite comments that "everything will be okay") can cause far more damage than pessimism. Hard feelings need to be honoured, given space, and recognized for what they are. Some things in life are categorically awful. We don't NEED to look for the positive in every circumstance. We can say that something is bad or traumatic or wrong and leave it there, while also looking for other glimmers of joy in other areas of our life.
I am a natural, avowed optimist! Many people seem to think it is the same as being a “pollyana!” NO! It isn’t that eternal optimists think nothing bad is ever gonna happen or in fact,happening,right at that moment! It’s that we believe we have what it takes to solve the problem.That we will survive,thrive even.
Now, in 2021 my optimism was sorely tested. Our grown son became gravely,gravely ill after a certain immunization and I had to become his caregiver for a year. There were days we did not think survival was a given.
My Faith, a great counselor, my pastor, and dear friends of both myself and my husband, and our son, pulled us through.and I believe my core of optimism was still burning, even in the dark…
While the days felt dark and scary,I usually had one or two things per day that helped me smile or just, well,make it. Somehow, my Soul kept PAYING ATTENTION to those small things that were still ok, still supporting me,still felt, well,good.I was deeply grateful, not as often, but daily.
For instance,I gave great thanks for:
The swig of that first deeply dark and hot cup of coffee in the early morning hours,before anyone else was up, and for morning prayer, by myself ,before the busy and difficult day began. Those were my best optimistic minutes in a long long day.
My kitties who still cuddled and played and made me laugh sometimes.
Music.
The strength of my husband who held me tight at night when i was really really scared.
through it all,somehow,I found that my spiritual practice and my innate optimism really did keep me gong..through hat dark night of the Soul.
And here it is, 4 years later, healing has happened, our son is pretty much all better.MY HAIR IS ALLLLL WHITE NOW, and I have a few more wrinkles. The new bags under my eyes are not gonna go away, but that’s ok. Our son is laughing and working and whole again. My husband and I are healthy and enjoying retirement.
I slowly began to have more and more happy and grateful moments in the days, and I am happy beyond belief to have found out that yes even when severely tested, an optimistic nature goes a long long way to pulling you over to the other side, and it IS possible to have happy and grateful moments even in the midst of great sadness and worry. In fact, you must.
This is an astounding discovery! And I am GRATEFUL to know it!!
My gratitude comes a bit easier these days ,once again, and I have an even bigger sense of empathy for those who are going through hard times.As I returned to all my own activities and daily life.. my gratitude remains a daily practice, every single morning.I know for sure it is important to nourish it and to be grateful I had that foundation .
As an optimist, I do believe that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
And, As an eternal optimist I STILL “believe in 6 impossible things ,before breakfast” as Alice says!!
I really enjoyed this blog,today!!!!
@Madeline, I'm so sorry for the traumatic and challenging health situation with your son. What a testament to your love and care that you provided him the necessary support to heal. It's wonderful news to hear he is thriving again.
"It’s that we believe we have what it takes to solve the problem." That is definitely something that does not come naturally to me. When faced with a problem, my first reaction is to assume I DON'T have the skills/resources needed to competently finish the task.
I think showing/ having gratitude is important every day. I also think it's even more important during difficult times. I probably was an in between, thanks mom, but have leaned towards gratitude significantly more over the last several years.
Having a health scare where my husband was told to prepare for the worst will affect many things, but gratitude is at the top of the list.
@Ranee, Sometimes when we need gratitude and positivity the most, it's the hardest season of life to find it. Though I think challenges can make us more attuned to things about which to be grateful (if we don't veer into bitterness; bitterness is hard to overcome).
My longer comment got et by my system so here’s the short version:
I’m a realist, which is further along the spectrum than pessimism and is backed by experience and data rather than being a “mere” outlook. It’s great for contingency planning and making sure everyone is taken care of (which is most of my life right now) but not so great for mental health (which isn’t in the best state right now). It seems to be pretty immutable because 3-4 years of Thankfulness here hasn’t budged it a bit.
@WilliamB, I like data, too and over-research everything. My background is the sciences and I wonder if science-minded folk tend to be more pessimistic as a whole?
You mention your personality not shifting in the 3-4 years of Kristen's series, but maybe that's not the whole story. Maybe, without the thankfulness series, you would have slidden down the spectrum to pessimism and her gratitude practice has allowed you to maintain an equilibrium that might otherwise have been lost? I have no data to prove this of course - 🙂 - but just a thought!
@Elisabeth, that would be a lovely thing if true. I'm dubious though. On the other hand it's impossible to have a control group not to mention a double blind study, so who knows?
@WilliamB, An optimist would believe it has helped, a pessimist would believe it hasn't helped, and a realist would believe there's not enough data to draw any conclusions 🙂
I love the name of the blog! I refer to myself as an optimistic pessimist. I hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
@Lana P, The name really summarizes my personality shockingly well!
This was so lovely, Elisabeth. Thank you so much for sharing your gratitude journey.
I love this post. Elisabeth is very inspiring; we all see the good stuff daily, but do we always note it? Appreciate it? Nope. Not at all! This was a lovely read. I had to giggle at the two Mother's Day photos with the kids taking turns being upset about the sun. As a mom, this is so typical!
@Suz, I have an alarming number of Mother's Day and Christmas Day catastrophes. Oh, and Valentine's and my birthday. Hospital visits (something like 5/7 Christmas Eve's we spent in emergent care with sick kids or, once, a sick husband), surgery (for my husband - once on Valentine's and once on my birthday).
It is uncanny in the worst of ways!
I think recording things we appreciate in a day gives them significance and value. Over time, I feel less need to write things down (I still do it many times a week, but not as frequently as before) because the noticing part has become more natural and involuntary. But at least at first, memorializing things about which we're thankful in some way - telling someone, writing gratitude moments down in a journal, taking a picture of something that's making you smile - is key.
LOVE that description of "sourdough starter" it's such a good way to look at things when life might not be going the way you wanted it to.
I have also had a rather dark and difficult 2020-2024 and found gratitude in that time as well and I don't always keep a formal list anymore but if I did this blog would be on there because it's pretty much exactly what I needed to read right now.
@Chelsea, Alas, I am not much good at bread-making which seemed to be "the thing" for people to start doing in the early days of the pandemic. But writing is something I've resurrected and it's a source of nourishment when I need it (emotionally not physically - I can't eat writing, so it is too bad I didn't pick up bread-making as well).
I'm sorry you have been walking through a valley. It's not fun. I really did despair I would ever find a way out. It's much easier to look back in retrospect and see the breadcrumbs of good stuff now, then when I was mired inside what felt like a hopeless situation. But I really did learn so much in that hard time - lessons I will carry with me the rest of my life, and while I would have chosen to NOT experience what happened, I can be grateful for the good that has come out of it. I hope the same is true for you <3
These are some great tips. Elisabeth- you are an inspiration. I like the idea of mentioning a highlight of one’s day before the dinner prayer. I think we will introduce that to our family.
I got a kick out of the Mother’s Day pics. What a great skirt though- and you got lots of wear out of it. I love wardrobe pieces like that.
I’m an optimist. My dad is also the ultimate pessimist. I tend to look at the bright side of things, but bad days /issues.
@Ernie, I owned that skirt for over 15 years. Last summer, when I pulled it out of my closet, I realized the white was very yellow and it was showing its age. I thanked it for it's years of service and disposed of it. I have worn that skirt to so many things and in so many places and still remember where and when I bought it.
Late to comment, but I really loved this. Thanks, Elisabeth!
I’m not a pessimist but I *am* a worrier, and so much of this is applicable.
@Meg in SoTx, Well I've got you beat as, alas, I am BOTH a pessimist and a worrier 🙁
I’m glad I saved this to read today because today has been off to an unutterably sad start and reading this and also the comments was very helpful for my perspective. I am one of those who struggles not to see the flip side of my gratefulness. A yes, but-er? As I age I feel things won’t be getting better, these ARE the good old days my future self will be yearning for! Ugh! To know I’m not alone and to read of many overcoming this, it does help! I’m so grateful for everyone’s honesty and vulnerability. I believe ion this practice more than ever and need to actually implement it instead of observe it! Yes, I am grateful for this insight
@Sue, I'm sorry you had such a hard start to your day; isn't this community Kristen has facilitated such a beacon of light!
I very much struggle with the "yes, but..." mindset so can relate to that struggle all too well.
Hi Elisabeth, so fun to read your post here! I am generally an optimist but still find that I need to pay attention to enhance my gratitude- and have loved participating in your FIG collective. You were so cute as a toddler- and those photos of you with the crying kiddos is so relatable! Also, the fact that I have been to your favourite cafe with you is a big source of gratitude and joy! It is such a lovely place, I can see why you love to blog there!
@Sophie, I still can't believe the first blogger I met in real life was from Australia! Who woulda thunk?
I loved reading about all your FIGs in February.
I'm so late to the party but I just have to say this - as a mother to one pessimist and one optimist, I have had a front row seat to how life treats each. Things just seemed to come easier for my little optimist while the little pessimist, like his mother, seemed to sometimes generate things that added to pessimism.
@Book Club Elaine, That is an interesting perspective - your own little research study. I agree that optimists seem to catch more "breaks" than pessimists. But I wonder if it's because they tend to be more agreeable, happy-go-lucky, and engage in things more enthusiastically? Tiggers vs. Eeyores?
I still think that so much of it is hard-wired/genetic and I wish I had gotten a few more optimism genes and fewer genes for pessimism.
@Elisabeth, I too wish I had more of the optimism genes, but I have picked up a few optimist habits from my cheery child.
I tend to be optimistic about the intentions of most other people but not about myself. I also have a tendency to catastrophize to the worst possible scenario when something doesn't go well (usually some form of "and then we all die/get fired/become homeless").
I don't know why I do it, but like your pessimism, my catastrophizing comes from my dad (ha!). Despite a couple of decades of therapy and SSRI treatment, I still can't stop the catastrophic though from popping into my head. But now...I can tell myself "yup, that's the worst case scenario, so what are we going to do now?" and move along.
I'm okay with this state in my brain. I give the benefit of the doubt to others and am prepared for the worst (and, therefore, thrilled by the best). I think that I'm realistically resilient (at least today).
You two ladies are an inspiration for me. I grew up in a pessimistic, complaining family - Dad, pessimist and Mom, complainer - and until I went off to college I, too, was a pessimistic complainer. College opened my eyes to the world around me - different folks, different lifestyles, different places - and started to inspire gratitude. (And let's face it, I was no longer in a negative environment) I like to call my husband "the eternal optimist" and he has been an incredible inspiration also. I'm 61 years old so I have had my share of heartbreak and trauma. It's not always rainbows and unicorns. But I have found that there is always something to be thankful for - sometimes I just need to dig deeper to find it. "The secret to having it all, is knowing that you already do."