On Sibling Gift-Giving
Kristen,
I've noticed that your kiddos receive gifts from their siblings for both Christmas and their birthdays. At what age did you start this? Do they pay for the gifts out of their own money or do you help them pay? Do you have any other related thoughts/advice? My kiddos are still baby/toddler/preschool age and we haven't done anything like this, but I would love to do so in the future.
-Brooke
I'm trying to remember when we started this with our kids! I think it sort of gradually happened as each of them reached early grade school age, and if I recall correctly, it's not something that we instigated. They just like giving presents to each other.
On Christmas morning, Mr. FG and I are always so encouraged to see how excited they are to give their gifts to each other...it's always the first thing they want to do. They enjoy receiving gifts, of course, but giving gifts to each other is a definite highlight.
They do mostly pay for the gifts with their own money, which is why this started in grade school. Preschoolers are generally not flush with cash. 😉
Sometimes, if a kid really wants to get a more expensive item for someone, several of them will go in together and buy a group gift. Or if that doesn't work out, Mr. FG and I sometimes help them, making it a joint gift from them and us.
The amount they spend on each other varies with their income level. Joshua and Lisey have more income than Zoe and Sonia do, so they tend to spend more. This disparity hasn't seemed to bother my kids at all...they understand that not everyone has equal resources to use.
A few random thoughts on this topic:
- If you have a kid who is short on cash for gift-giving, come up with some paid work for them to do around the house.
- Use gift-giving as an opportunity to help them learn about planning for future expenses. If Sonia wants to buy something for herself in November, we talk about whether she'll still have enough money left to buy Christmas presents.
- Help them learn frugal shopping habits as they buy gifts. We shop around, pull up coupons on our phones, look for discount codes online, and so on. You can afford to give more if you know how to stretch your dollars!
- Homemade gifts are great options, especially for younger kids. Presents don't necessarily have to be bought.
- Gifts don't have to be big or expensive. When my kids were littler, the presents they bought often cost just a couple of dollars (candy, Japanese erasers, a small craft item)
I don't think that siblings necessarily need to give each other gifts, but it's been a fun tradition at our house, and I like that the process provides so many organic learning opportunities in areas like generosity, planning, and smart shopping.
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I came from a family of 8 kids and we ALWAYS did gifts to each other with our own money. And as Kristen said, money resources vary between each child depending mostly on age, but didn't seem to matter to any of else. In fact one of my favorite gifts was from my sister when she was in 1st grade and she wanted so much to buy her brothers and sister gifts for Christmas... we each got a box of Kleenex... but she picked out a design for each of us. Pretty special I thought. I think this encourages deeper relationships between children, especially when it is about the giving and not about the money. My sibs and I still do this, maybe it is just taking a sister for lunch or coffee so we have a time to chat. I think it is a wonderful thing to start... after all you are a family!
My kids are all grown now, but they loved exchanging gifts when they were young, too. I helped the littler ones afford to do this, but as they grew older they used their own money. They have families of their own now, and they continue, sometimes with a "secret Santa" type exchange. I think this should be encouraged, as it keeps the siblings close as they grow older. And I don't mean it's the gift itself that keeps them close, it's the thought of what to get them, etc. and yes, it was their favorite part of Christmas, to see their siblings' joy at a gift they had chosen for them. It's their first experience in gift choosing and buying, ( and wrapping!) which is a valuable skill for their later lives.
I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I have them pick out gifts for each other to underscore the concepts of giving. Right now, we pay for the small gifts they pick out (usually under $5). As they get older, I think this will change. My 4 year old also wrapped the gifts himself. He loves tape, so he got a big kick out of that.
My kids are still young, 4yo and 6yo.
The 6yo likes to give gifts a lot, and always wants to "spend money" for some reason. Which I don't like, because I don't want her to be the kind of person that feels like she HAS to buy stuff in order to be loved. So I always push her towards the home-made gifts. Tell her that her sister (or me, or daddy, or grandma, etc) would be really happy with a home-made card or a craft, etc.
She likes it so-so.
2 weeks ago was my youngest b-day and the older got upset she "didn't have a gift to give" so she grabbed some stuff we already own (puzzle and card game), wrapped them and gave them as presents. I thought this was cute and the 4yo was happy to just be opening presents, not even noticing that this is pre-owned stuff!
The 6yo also started to give "coupons". Something she took from us. So, coupons for a free massage or a breakfast in bed from example, from her. I tell her those are the best, and that for Mother's day I would be really happy to receive one of her coupon. She still wants to "buy something with my money"....
Hopefully she will learn with time, and with our help, that a gift is not necessary something that cost money and that if she wants to buy a gift is will be for the good reasons....
So I will always push my kids towards home-made, coupons, do-something-for-your-sister type of gifts I think. My husband still gives monetary gifts to his siblings (20 and 22yo) and I find that odd..... That's might just be me. But then again for my husband money+gift=love, and not so much for me.
* Wow, that is a long answer! *
Aww, that's so cute about the pre-owned gifts! I love that she didn't notice. Kids are so great.
I think the monetary/homemade decision should be somewhat based on personality. Not everyone loves to make or receive homemade gifts, and not everyone loves to give/receive purchased gifts. You kind of have to take each recipient and giver on a case-by-case basis, I think.
I agree.
That said, for my 6yo it's better if she buys something, and it's not because she's not crafty (she is). I think it because SHE thinks if she spend money than she will be liked more as a person. And this bugs me. A lot.
Your six year old reminds me a bit of my older sister. She's a more spendy person than I am, but she likes to channel her spendiness towards other people. It brings her joy to use her resources for others, in a way that I don't know a homemade gift would. It's always struck me as a personality or personal preference difference, because I love homemade gifts.
Before we finally stopped exchanging gifts amongst adults in my family, we sometimes gave money - but with a caveat. It had to be used for something unnecessary (no paying the electric bill but a special meal out was OK), and the recipient then told the giver about the thing/experience. So if my grandparents gave me $100, I might buy 3 signed hardbacks from my favorite author, then tell them about it and what I thought of the books themselves.
This is a great idea!
My kids are older now, but I'm gratified at how devoted they are to getting each other the "right" gift. They are far less interested in what they spend,then in getting something the other will really enjoy. (Within reason, of course!)
Love this!
Hi Kristen -
I love your blog and read it often. This post hit home for me. I am the youngest of three: my brother is 37, my sister is 34, and I'm 29. I don't know when we all started exchanging gifts, but I don't remember ever not doing it. My siblings and I are really close, and I definitely remember watching them earn money to buy small gifts, which had a big impact on me. Given the age difference, I think I usually made gifts for them until I could pay for small things myself. My sister was always easy to shop for since our tastes have basically melded into one over the years. For my brother, I tended to buy things that made very little sense for him, but they were things that I just wanted to get him (note: a big blue ball when he was maybe 16 and I was...8...). When we got older and I was in college, my brother became more directive with me about gifts because he didn't want me to spend money on him, especially when it was on stuff he didn't really like/want/need. His birthday is also on Christmas, so Christmas gifts were always extra special for him. When I asked him what he wanted, he kept telling me that he just wanted a hug, and didn't need anything; that the only thing he wanted didn't exist. He wanted an herb recipe book with a bunch of criteria that he just couldn't find. I took that as a challenge, and ended up finding the perfect book for around $20. As a result, my brother started tasking me with "impossible gifts" - things that he wanted, but were really hard to find. We continued the tradition, and it's been really special for us. Given our age difference, it's actually a really special way to continue to learn about each other. I think for my brother, the real gift is that I spend the time looking for something that he can really use, and wants.
At any rate, I am really grateful that my parents encouraged my siblings and I to exchange gifts from a young age in whatever ways made sense for us, and allowed us to be fiscally responsible, while still showing our love for each other. 🙂
Every Christmas my kids have a tradition of exchanging ornaments that they bought for each other on Christmas Eve. They love getting to open that one little gift the night before and they can see the ornament on a small tree they each have in their rooms. One day when they are no longer living at home they will have a collection of ornaments that they grew up getting.
When I read this, my first thought was "they go out and buy an ornament on Christmas Eve? That sounds terrible!" Then I read the second sentence and realized that they open the ornament on Christmas Eve, not buy it then. : P
Shopping for anything on Christmas Eve would basically be terrible. Ha.
We have done this for many years now on Christmas and at birthdays (our children are 25, 24, 14 and 12). Our girls started making presents for each other when they were seven and six. We usually go to a Christmas Eve service and somehow the tradition of opening sibling gifts right after we got home began. My favorite part is how excited they are the week before, spending time behind closed doors finishing things up, and being creative with the wrapping. They love to watch their siblings' reactions when they see how much they're gifts are appreciated! I love to watch the expression on the gift giver when they realize the gift is so loved!
We didn't get allowances or paid for chores, so until we were out of high school, we didn't have money of our own (we weren't allowed to work until we were18). However, each year my dad faithfully put money into a Christmas club for each of us, and knowing how tight our finances were, I so appreciate that now, and never thought to tell him that before he died! Anyway, with our money that he gave us each December, we bought gifts for each other and for our parents -- there were five people in my immediate family, so it was four presents for each of us to buy, and we kids had $50 each to spend-- not bad for back then! We often pooled money to get a nicer gift for our parents, which made my mother fuss, because she didn't want us to spend a lot of money on our parents. I remember the year I bought her left-handed dressmaking shears (she made all our dresses and slacks) so she could quit cutting fabric with her scissors upside down, and she fussed because I spent so much -- a big $6! Anyway, we LOVED gift giving and the hiding of presents and wrapping them in separate rooms. The funniest year was when my middle sister and I, who both loved to draw, gave each other the exact same gift -- a sketch book, drawing pencils and eraser! We laughed and laughed about it, but obviously we loved our gift.
Our kids are younger than yours, but right now we typically offer "seasonal employment" in the months before Christmas. They can do jobs to earn money, but the money is meant to be used on sibling gifts. The Sunday school program at our church gives the kids fake money and lets them buy at a little store quarterly. I've seen the kids use that opportunity to get gifts for each other too. And our kids totally re-gift / hand down toys to younger siblings! It's funny, but the recipient has always been really happy about it 🙂
We are in the create-a-gift camp--not necessarily for those outside our immediate family, but definitely within the family. My kids are often more excited to make gifts for each other and us than they are to receive gifts. My daughter has surprised my husband and me the past 2 years by making Easter treats for us (she's artistic and likes to make drawings/sculptures and lately has been interested in hand sewing). I think that the anticipation aspect is part of the joy--they "sneak" around with creating gifts, and put a lot of thought into each person's interests/tastes. The other thing I like about the create-a-gift aspect is that they appreciate gifts given to them that are homemade or "humble". They recognize that time/effort has gone into creating a gift and even if it isn't their "thing", they are gracious receivers.
My husband's family had a tradition of sharing cheap but fun gifts with each other. Our daughter was five the first year she contributed. She colored a picture for each family member picking the pictures from her coloring books based on each person's likes. I was pretty proud that she was able to make those choices.
I love this approach! My husband and I are planning on starting a family in a few years and we've gone back and forth on ways to raise frugal, mindful children. Thanks for sharing!
This post brought about something I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on...
I am a single, professional adult. And I love giving good gifts (gifts are my primary love language). However, my slightly older sister makes a fraction of the money I do; she's married with a child (and another on the way). This past year, I think she felt bad that I spent more than her and gave me a belated gift (I think to make up for it).
What do you think? Should I stop being as generous? She has to be so careful with her money, and I love being able to spoil her. However, I don't want her to feel guilty or like she owes me anything.
Is your relationship such that you could have a conversation with her about this? That seems like the simplest solution, if your relationship can handle it. I'd make sure to communicate that you'd love the privilege of spoiling her, but that you really, really don't want her to feel like she needs to reciprocate monetarily.
I have a good friend who I exchange Christmas and Birthday gifts with each year. I tend to give between $40-50 for the item. She gives between $10-20. Her gifts have been some of the most meaningful ones... it isn't about the money. In the end, it's truly the thought that counts.
She didn't participate in Christmas this year due to giving birth a mere week before! But I gave her a giftcard to her local library so she could take the baby there, treat herself to a drink at the cafe, and attend a newborn storytime.
If you feel bad enough about it, feel free to lower the amount you spend, but find something extra-thoughtful. 🙂
I came from a frugal family but my parents always made sure my sister and I exchanged gifts. Lovely blog post 🙂