How to be a frugal moderator (aka Why I Don't Do Challenges)
Gretchen Rubin (of Happiness Project fame) has written frequently about the differences between people who are abstainers and people who are moderators.
Basically, moderators are people who get panicky at the idea of something being off limits and who are able to enjoy vices in moderation.
(They can eat two cookies and stop, but a no-cookie rule leads to eating 57.)
Abstainers find it far easier to stick with a good habit if they make hard and fast rules, and they have a hard time stopping once they start with a poor choice.
(A no-cookie rules leads to 0 cookies, but one cookie leads to 57.)
Me? I'm a moderator.
The idea of giving up chocolate forever makes me want to eat All Of The Sugar, but if I know I can have chocolate, I will contentedly eat a small portion of dark chocolate after a meal and stop right there.
(This is why I will never, ever do a Whole 30. I would much rather make mostly healthy choices on a regular basis than set restrictive rules for myself.)
If I think I have to workout every day, I feel like I'm in prison, but if I just tell myself to exercise when I can, my 7-minute workout calendar fills up pretty nicely.
While I fall pretty hard in the moderator camp, I think all of us are a mixture, depending on what we're talking about. There are certain cookies that lead to 57* for me, even though I'm a moderator. 😉
*Ok, not literally. Even I can't eat 57 of the thin mint cookies from Aldi. This may be because there aren't 57 in the package...
(not thin mint cookies. They're chocolatey-double-crunchers)
The abstainer/moderator differentiation is often discussed when healthy habits (eating, exercising) are the topic at hand, but I've been thinking about how this is super applicable to frugality as well.
For instance, my friend Katy follows the Compact, which means you commit to buying nothing new for a year (although she's been doing this for years and years).
For her, this works out really well.
But I'd be super unhappy to be locked into a set of fairly absolute rules (though you can make your own exceptions to the compact).
I mean, I do buy a lot of my things second-hand, I repair things instead of replacing them, I upcycle clothing, and I am all for reducing demand for newly manufactured items.
But I like not having rules around those choices, and I like having the freedom to employ lots of different frugal tactics.
(Can't find second-hand jeans for my tall, lanky son? I'll be on American Eagle's website when they have a sale. Send me some 28x34s, please and thank you.)
Other frugal abstainer examples are 30-day spending freezes, $29 food stamp challenges, and eat-from-the-freezer-only challenges.
I know for some people, these rules provide welcome structure, and I don't begrudge them that at all.
(I'll be me, and you can be you.)
But for me, restrictive plans aren't helpful. They make me unhappy, I chafe at all the rules, and they do nothing to positively affect my long-term behavior.
I make far better choices when my choices aren't restricted by all-or-nothing rules.
If you're like that too, don't feel bad!
Abstaining and doing challenges and Whole 30s and all of that is fine, but it's not the only way to live.It's quite possible to just chug along through life, free from absolute restrictions, making good choices most of the time.
What does frugal moderating look like?
Well, instead of an eat-from-the-freezer-only challenge, do like I did and commit to eat through your freezer, but give yourself permission to buy ingredients that help make your freezer ingredients into meals.
Instead of putting a ban on eating out, give yourself a once-a-week budget for a meal. Knowing you have that little splurge coming up will make it way easier to cook at home the other days.
Instead of committing to no spending for 30 days, give yourself a small monthly allowance for fun spending. The promised allowance will help to keep you from feeling punished.
Instead of promising to only ever buy necessities at the grocery store, tell yourself that you can buy one fun food item each week.
You get the idea, I'm sure. Give yourself rules, not absolute restrictions, and make sure you've given yourself some options for indulgence.
If you're like a lot of moderators, having the indulgent option there will keep you on the straight and narrow, even if you don't choose to partake of the indulgence. It's all about knowing that the rules you have aren't absolute.
Basically, you have to know yourself, figure out what works for you, and then do that.
If you're an abstainer, then jump headlong into all the challenges!
And if you're a moderator, skip the challenges, or modify them so they're less absolute, and you'll be a happy camper.
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Are you a moderator or an abstainer? And how does this play out in your efforts to save money/live frugally?
I'm more of a moderator than an abstainer...although I can't stop at 2 cookies either way! It turns into 10 really quickly!
Kristen, very good story.hat was a fun read. I already know i am an abstainer. I am an all or nothing person.
I can refrain from cookies, for example, as long as they not in front of me. I used to be a heavy gambler.
I do not gamble anymore, but I know that is because I am not close enough to a casino.
Sad, but at least I tell myself I have a handle on this.
I really never have the urge to gamble. Cool.
Can you be both? It seems in some areas, I HAVE to be an abstainer, not that I want to, but that it is the only way. For years I tried to lose weight "moderately"--cut back on sweets, limit portions, etc., but it wasn't until I got drastic and severely cut carbs out of my diet that I could make any progress in losing weight. One little indulgence always led to more, and though it didn't seem like a lot, it was just enough to sabotage the whole thing.
And I had to take this one silly game app off my phone completely, because every time I allowed myself just one game, I kept adding on one more, and one more, until I'm embarrassed to say how much time I wasted on it. It was crazy, it's just some innocent puzzle-solving game, but I struggled to deal with it in moderation.
I don't think as a whole that I am an abstainer, for in most areas I like to have options and choices, but there are some areas that I have to take charge of and just not allow myself the opportunity because I know I can't handle it. Please tell me I'm not alone!
Dawn, you are not alone. I am right there with you. I also had to cut out carbs completely. I also like a bit of leeway on other things (such as spending). As for the puzzle game, please don't even tell me what it is...
I am totally you! I could have written your post myself so, no, you are not alone. I think that's why I can go on a diet and do well until the first time I cheat then it's downhill from there, lol.
Phew! I was hoping I wasn't the only one who didn't neatly fall into one camp or the other...
Nope! I totally see myself in both camps too, lol.
Count me in on team "I generally hate rules but have to be an abstainer in certain instances." I'm not a big fan of those challengey sorts of things, and I chafe at structure in general. But when it comes to cookies... fuggitaboutit! One bite and the entire package is goin' down the gullet, so I just can't buy them. And Candy Crush? Nope... had to delete that one quickly!
I actually have a weird theory about this. I think the things that give me trouble are things that I want to be satisfying, but actually aren't. Like with sweets... I always think that it will taste really, really good - but the reality is, they never quite taste as good as I want them to. Yet somehow, a crazy little part of my brain becomes convinced that if I just eat "one more," it will magically fill me with the satisfaction that the first 29 failed to provide. It's like some sort of crazy "this time for sure" thing.
Am I just totally nuts or what?
It was a Candy-Crush-like game that I couldn't deal with. Arrrgh! I spent hours one day trying to get past one level, and I was so mad at myself for all the time wasted. And like you said, there was no satisfaction in it. Only guilt! Then I just knew that I had to get it off my phone. No moderation here anymore!
I don't think you are nuts, it seems like a good explanation of what goes on sometimes. I just find that there are some things I can't trust myself to deal with unless I completely abstain.
Also had to delete Candy Crush and the games, which I spent so much time on, because I was obsessed with playing them. Mix of moderator and abstainer, in that potato chips are my downfall! Same problem as Eco Cat Lady with the sweet things, unless I make them myself!
I totally think you can be an abstainer in some realms and a moderator in others. I have to believe it, because its true for me too! I'm perfectly able to moderate sweets & chocolate, but give me a bag of chips and I'll find myself at the bottom pretty quick. I also had to take certain games off my phone because I'd stay up late playing but I have no problem watching just one television show and going to bed. Its helpful to acknowledge which areas require which approach, rather than trying to put yourself in one category.
I do have to cut out all sweets, too. It's all or nothing for me! And I finally have it under control.
In general I am a moderator. I can have one piece of chocolate and feel content, but if you tell me I can't have chocolate, I will spend all day long thinking about chocolate. Not having a car also makes it difficult for us to do hardcore "buy nothing new" type abstaining.
At the same time I do occasionally find it useful to abstain. If I feel my spending or sweet-eating is getting a little out of control, sometimes a short period of abstaining works as a little detox and then I can go back to moderation.
Well... I always though of myself as a moderator, but I recently (two weeks ago) gave up sugar totally, and I find it's much easier than saying I'll have "just a little". For me it's the ease of limiting options (reducing decision fatigue!).
I do think the challenges are fun mostly because they force creativity. If you give a kid a blank piece of paper and say, create art, they may freeze up. Tell them something specific to draw and their creativity can flourish within those boundaries. Make sense? And to be fair, I always thought freezer/pantry challenges DID include getting ingredients to round out meals. Maybe I was just doing them wrong. LOL
Yes! I abstain to avoid decision fatigue or when it's an obsession or addiction. But in most areas I'm a moderator.
Like most, I am a mixture. I don't do very many challenges, but like Carrie said, I like the creativity of doing them within a structure.
I've never thought about frugality in this way: abstainer vs. moderator, but I love it! I'd have to say that I would be classified as a moderator the majority of the time. I like to have options, like you've stated. And when you tell me I can't have something, I want it NOW! While I understand that some changes need to be drastic, I much prefer slow and gradual lifestyle changes.
Our budget is probably the part of our lives that could possible be considered an abstainer-like mindset. If it's not in the budget this month, sorry, not happening. (Unless it's an emergency) But we plan moderator-type things into our budget. Best of both worlds! 🙂 Thanks for an intriguing post as always!
Abstainer here, particularly with regard to refined sugar, my drug of choice if you will. Far easier to avoid altogether vs stopping once started, which is a good indicator that the behavior in question patterns addiction.
I've used my abstainer tendencies to make positive changes when I'm really struggling to do so. If the change isn't a struggle, then I can practice moderation and be just fine.
Ahhhhhh.... story of my life!
"Moderating or abstaining? Moderating or abstaining", over and over again!
I WISH I was able to moderate instead of abstain, I find this to be so much more healthy (psychologically speaking, for me) this way. But I can't. I've learned a long time ago that sugar is a big no-no for me, and that having even a little brings me to a dark place of binging and self-destructive habits like skipping exercice and sleep. So I have to abstain. Seems to be the same for grains (which turns into sugar anyways), but this one is not yet definite.
As for other stuff like sleep, exercice, I can't just wing it, I have to have strict rules otherwise I don't follow through. So bedtime is around 10h30 on weekdays and gym is 3x/week for at least 60 minutes.
Do I like to live by the rules? Noooooo. But my brain seems to work better this way. It calms me down to know what is a GO and what is a NO.
I deeply envy people who can just moderate and regulate without all kind of rules, you have no idea!
I'm a Gretchen Rubin fan so I find looking at frugality with this lens is fascinating. I am an abstainer. I don't buy cookies. If I want cookies I have to make them. Eat all of them and wait until I want cookies bad enough to make them again.
I do have a tendency in our budget that I've accepted and go with but never connected it to being an abstainer until now. We tend to stick to a very basic budget with out much extra spending about 2-3 months and then have a month where we buy a bunch of stuff. It used to play out unintentionally with much guilt. Now I know that once I start buying things that we've been putting off it snow balls. I try to make my spendy months when there are a lot of sales. Like Black Friday through New's Years. Or back to school. When I feel like we've gotten good deals on what we need/been wanting then I'm ok going back to spending not much beyond the basics. It's better to know your tenancies than deny them and then crash and burn.
I don't remember if Gretchen said this in her book, but I don't think abstainers like being abstainers. Moderating seems like a better plan from the outside looking in. I know that she said obligers tend not to like that they are obligers. (I'm one of those too, sigh).
I think you are right that most of us are mixes. Thanks for making that point. I have to abstain for things that are addictive to me (video games) but moderate with most everything else since I don't deal well with deprivation.
Isn't it interesting how different things are addictive to each of us? Video games are so not tempting to me, but really good cookies totally are!
I do much better as an abstainer, and I love challenges. A challenge is basically a competition against myself, which is the best kind of competition, in my opinion. Plus, challenges spark my creativity and give me control over the situation. AND, when I complete them successfully, I feel great! I am definitely the type of girl that will eat an entire pan of cookies fresh out of the oven if given the chance...and sometimes I do 🙂
I really enjoyed this article. I now know I am mainly a moderator. I think I need to be an abstainer when it comes to drinking soda though,moderating it just doesn't work for me.
When it comes to frugal moderating, I think your ideas are all good. It is much easier for me to be frugal most of the time. When it comes to groceries, I mainly buy what's in season or what's on sale. Sometimes I do buy something just because it's favorite. When I realize I can buy this because of what I saved on other things it makes it all worthwhile.
I find in most areas I am a moderator, but when it comes to sugar it must be completely avoided if I'm to have any amount of control in that area.
The thing with sugar is - it IS a drug! Studies have shown that the same part of one's brain that reacts to cocaine, reacts to sugar!
I find that I'm an abstainer and then a moderator. Going vegan is a perfect example. I had to cut out animal products cold turkey in order to get into the habit, and now that I've been strictly vegan for over 6 months I feel like I have a good grasp on my choices and can relax a little (I, personally choose to eat honey now, for example). I also think that life is too short to be too strict all the time. I don't want to get to the end of my life and say "I wish I had eaten a cheese doodle once in a while".
This is the first time I've heard of honey being an issue within a vegan lifestyle. Interesting! (Am Googling now for more info @ this . . . 🙂 )
"I wish I had eaten a cheese doodle once in a while" seriously made me laugh out loud. I think I've eaten enough cheese doodles to last a lifetime (they are my weakness), but maybe I'll wish I'd eaten more?
I try to follow the compact(non consumer advocate) so I buy grocery items when the prices are rock bottom. So sometimes we have a lot of cheese because I found cheese super reduced so a lot of meals are cheese based. I don't run to the store for certain ingredients so if I don't have what I need I simply find something else that will substitute, skip it altogether, or make something else. However, there are times when I am tired or just need a little break and we go out to eat. Even though we go out I still make very reserved choices. For instance, I ordered myself a kids meal because it's so much less money and less calories. So I guess I am more of an abstainer with moderator tendencies, if that even makes sense. I do allow myself to be more lax at times but it is very irritating to pay pay full price for an item because I allowed myself to become lax. For instance, if I ran out of the said cheese and had to pay full price when 2 days earlier I could have got it for much less. Anyway, I enjoyed this post!
Great post. I love your point of view of letting you be you and me be me. And I work on being comfortable being me sometimes. Thanks.
Thanks for this post! I often feel guilty for being a moderator since abstainers appear to have more discipline. So I appreciate your perspective and a reminder that both are good, and that many of us have traits of both.
And I envy moderators (I am an abstainer), to me they seem so much more... sane? (makes sense?)
I'm a mixture too! I don't ususaly like challenge, however I started " The Minimalist Game" this month. So far it is going well, keeping me going to declutter my home 🙂 So far I have been on a roll and have sent several bags of "stuff" to Goodwill and thrown lots out.
I'm mostly an abstainer, because if I give myself an inch, I'll take a mile. Like Dayna said, though, I'll have "break outs" in spending (or indulging in a favorite food or TV show) after a long time of abstaining. Sometimes stuff needs to be bought, and putting it off doesn't change that. Sometimes I just think "I'm very much an adult now. I can do/have this once in a while." But I have to watch out, or I'll be back to doing whatever it is all the time if I don't immediately start to abstain again.
BTW - I am physically and psychologically incapable of being satisfied with a single piece of chocolate! I am a chocoholic, and the darker the chocolate, the more I will eat.
I'm a moderator, mostly. I tend to abstain within my moderation, for example, I typically don't keep potato chips on hand--I don't really love them, but if they are around, I will eat them sneakily and mindlessly. They are a treat we have when we camp and that's mostly it. I think that knowing your tendencies can help you tweak your lifestyle in healthier ways.
I am with you on the chips! I went years and years only buying them once or twice a year for a BBQ or something. Then something happened and I started buying them for the house and I will just eat and eat them mindlessly. So . . . no more chips. Oddly, I can keep pretzels in the house and do just fine having a handful only once and awhile. They usually go stale before I finish a bag.
I am the same way with sweets. If I buy animal crackers or gingersnaps, I can have just one or two when I crave something sweet. But if its Oreos or Milanos, my brain seems to think a package is a single serving. I am better off making homemade cookie dough and freezing it and then cooking one at a time in the toaster oven. Yes, I know that is waste of energy, and yes, I might have a cookie everyday. But at least it is just one.
I'm a moderator-but not by choice. I battled an eating disorder, compulsive exercising tendencies (and still have OCD tendencies) for years. Doing anything with strict rules, in any area of my life, leads to triggers/absolute control/etc. So everything is allowed, and I maintain balance
Same here. Being told that I can't do something, even things that are objectively terrible for me, sends me over the edge. I need to feel I'm free to do anything, even, as I said, things that are objectively terrible for me. This is, I realize, a rather extreme approach ;), and obviously only apply to things that directly affect me. No matter how burning my desire to get raging drunk and speed down the freeway, I am not free to do that. But just plain getting drunk? That I can do. I hate the way the culture of cleanses and Whole30s creates this culture of thinking you need to ask for permission, like other people have the right to tell you how to eat. Frankly, I don't even like my doctor telling me how to eat.
Beyond that, I find I do better taking small steps- as small as necessary -and being grateful for every tiny success. Often, this leads to large success.
I should note I have no actual desire, burning or otherwise, to speed drunk down a freeway!
Ha! I would never have thought you meant that; I assumed you were just using it as an example. And while I'm not as much of a moderator as you, I appreciated the explanation. Makes great sense. Now, let's all try not to get *too* drunk this evening. 🙂
Reading this post and the comments is fascinating. I'd never heard of this dichotomy before, but it makes so much sense. I am 100% an abstainer. I'm great about drastic changes and firm commitment (I actually loved the 2 week sugar fast I did in early November and could have kept going forever if my family was on board), but if I allow myself any leeway I derail from goals easily. It's all or nothing here.
What this article taught me more than anything is to understand moderators. I've been guilty way too many times of judging people who are trying to save money yet mention eating out or are trying to lose weight but have a dessert at some event. Foremost, I shouldn't be so judgmental, but secondarily I wonder now if I didn't understand their personality towards goals because it is different from mine.
I, too, am an all or nothing person. With food, especially. With cheese, really especially. I can eat a pound of cheese at one sitting. Years ago, when I had even less control over myself than I do now, I would take a one pound block of mozzarella cheese, heat it in the microwave and eat it! I could keep a pound of cookies in the house and never take a second glance at it, but I stopped buying bulk cheese when it is on sale because the more I have, the more I eat. I hate that about myself!
Holy Crap I used to do this too with cheese! Just a little melted in the microwave and.... mmmmmmm!!! (with cheddar)
I tend to think of this in terms of my diet, and losing weight. I am pretty restrictive on what I eat during the day (and eating the same thing daily doesn't bug me in the slightest), but the reason for this is so that I can have that ONE glass of wine in the evenings, after dinner is over and our household has wound down.
It works pretty well 🙂
Right! So the glass of wine is the small indulgence that keeps you on track the rest of the day.
Kirsten what an interesting post. Have to agree with you when you say each to his or her own & everything in moderation. The French live their lives by it especially in relation to food and they are a pretty good advertisement..As regards frugality increased awareness and moderation are easier ways to keep on track than a very rigid approach. I'd love to have the time to browse through charity shops a lot more than I do however with life and work often don't have the time. As a result I often buy my sons clothes in sales when they are reduced. I try to use up everything I do buy and do not impulse shop - something I would have often done in the past!! Thanks to you I ve become a lot more aware of waste in all areas of my life:-))
The best thing we did when we had to be frugal was to give each family member, including adults, a small allowance. This meant we could each buy things that other family members did not have to approve--we might have to save up a while to buy those things but we could be confident no one would spend our money on something else while we were saving. That, I guess, made us moderators in that situation.
When it comes to dieting, I should be an abstainer but I'm not really abstaining from anything! If I have sweets or any sort of unhealthy food in the house, it is GONE so fast. The only solution is to just not have it in the house because I can never have just one of something. My husband is a moderator, and I'm always stealing his treats if he doesn't eat them fast enough!
I don't actually know if I'm an abstainer or a moderator when it comes to spending. I want to do a no-superfluous-spending challenge, so I guess I'll find out!
I bet you are a spending abstainer because a moderators don't usually think of doing challenges! =P
I am a moderator. We have a number of friends who have done the Whole 30 and as soon as we heard about it for the first time I told my husband that I would never do it. The thought is crazy to me, but our friends loved it and benefitted from it. I also have grown to appreciate my small allowance. I don't buy much "extra" stuff and the little allowance lets me feel like I'm having special treats when I do spend it.
I counsel people on weight loss. In the past, I struggled with putting my moderate ideals on others (Gretchen mentioned that her nutritionist was stern about 80/20 rule). I have since realized some people work better with rules. I like the Beck Diet Solution book to help people use "rules" to create new habits. Thanks for this post!
What a great thing to keep in mind when you're helping other people make plans. It's so easy to think that what works for you will work for everyone else too, isn't it?
Definitely and abstainer when it comes to chocolate or less healthy food. Actually I think I'm an 'all or nothing' kinda girl, married to a moderator!
I have a lanky teenager too. She needs 24 x 34 jeans, much harder to find! What did you do before Joshua was a 28/34? Any advice gratefully received She used to wear boy jeans (mainly caus she prefers the cut - she hates super skinny which look a bit ridiculous anyway, and needs low rise), but now she needs adult length, we're really struggling. Mens start at 28; even GAP women tall only start at 26, which is weird because 24/34 must be what models wear. Any thoughts?
Well, we just bought him the skinniest, longest size we could, and he usually needed a belt to cinch in the waist.
Luckily my 14 year old daughter is not quite as hard to fit, and she does like the skinny jeans, which helps a lot.
Just have to say I am really an abstainer -- all or nothing at all -- by nature, but am working hard to be a moderator since it was all ALL, if you catch my drift 🙂 WAY too many cookies, etc. So this lovely site and a few others are really helping me to moderate a lot more. And I think its what I do most of the time that matters -- that is one of your huge messages that you probably can't say enough. As always, very much appreciate your graceful thinking. Happy New Year!
[Insert long exhale here] Oh boy, this post has had me thinking for the better part of two days now. I think I am mostly a moderator, but there are a few categories where I tend to go overboard. I went from being a single girl to Kitchen Queen of our family of four adults. I've always followed the pantry principle, but now that I 1) feed more people three meals a day and 2) have lots of pantry space, I fear my pantry principle-ing has gotten a bit out of hand.
Seriously, I have a large walk-in pantry in my kitchen to die for. I have two pantry cupboards, plus two pantry cabinets, in my garage. I have a decent-sized refrigerator (counter depth, so not extreme cubic footage) in the kitchen. The garage holds a second fridge/freezer plus a medium-sized upright freezer. And egads, they are all full! I am seriously contemplating setting a $100 limit on food (for fresh fruit/veg/milk) spending for the month of February, forcing us to eat down what we have.
I would never do a challenge just because someone, somewhere in cyberspace told me to. However, if it's my own idea, I am fine with them. In my pre-FIRE days, I was doing no-spend on ANYthing Februaries and they were really helpful. Now that I'm married, the challenge is to get my family on board. Under the guise of a $100 Food Spending Challenge, I think I could get them to co-operate, especially when the combinations start getting weird and mostly vegetarian. If I didn't give my family a full alert as to what was about to happen, I don't think I could pull it off. But boy-oh-boy, did this post make me think long and hard about this topic. Ultimately, I think I will do it, because I need my family to be on board, and I need to stop buying stuff for a good, long while.
Final thought, I think since I tend to avoid buying new "things", I let myself go overboard on food. I shop primarily at Grocery Outlet, 99 Only Stores and Costco. I know my prices and stock up freely when deals are to be had. But seriously, enough is enough. I need the challenge to keep me from setting foot in the stores. Thanks for helping me think this through, Kristen!
Lots of good food for thought here! I like the idea of being a moderator, but in reality I think I lean more toward an abstainer mindset. But I do wonder how much of it comes down to how you view those small indulgences, whether you see them as vices you allow yourself or as part of an overall balanced and healthy life. I think--although I'd have to test this theory a bit more--that if I tell myself that the donut I have during our Saturday brunch or a dinner of take-out once a week are bad choices that I'm allowing myself to indulge in, then I'm more likely to feel like, "Well, if I'm already being bad, why not just keep going, since I blew it?" But, if I have the mindset that a weekly Boston creme donut or take-out dinner or whatever are not giving myself permission to "be bad" but actually things that, in moderation, are totally fine and only become bad if you go overboard, than it's easier to take an attitude of moderation. Or, basically, maybe abstainers are more likely to think "Any amount of cookies is bad, but I can try to stop at one or two to limit the damage"--a mindset probably more likely to lead to overindulgence--while moderators may be more likely to think, "Eating one or two cookies occasionally is just fine, but regularly overindulging in cookies would be bad."
I'm definitely a moderator. This week of detox about killed me. I feel better, but dude. Not again.
I'm a moderator, but with some things, I've learned not to keep them in the house. For example, if I only want to occasionally drink a Diet Coke, I can have one when I'm out. If they are in the house, I can resist, but it's a lot of effort. So I guess I'm a moderator, but need to set myself up for success.
This is so me! I can't make it through a challenge to save my life. Even with small things I end up feeling sorry for myself the whole time. It was a big issue when I was trying to lose weight and I couldn't do these intense things to get my weight down. I eventually figured out that I could do it if I just restrict myself by 150 calories a day and start moderately exercising. I lost almost 20 pounds doing it that way! Thanks so much for sharing!
Clearly this was a memorable post for me--I'm still thinking about it two weeks later! It was a real insight for me--I read an often-contentious personal finance forum and I am realizing a lot of the arguments come up when the abstainers try to hold the moderators to their personal standards (or sometimes when an abstainer and moderator are married to each other 🙂
One of the frustrations I sometimes have is that the majority of behavior modification advice seems to be from an abstainer point of view. Some years ago the dr. told me I needed to get my triglycerides down, and she suggested I try cutting carbs. When I went to research what that might look like, everything out there was about ultra-low-carb eating--no sugar, no baked goods, no fruit, etc. etc. I knew I'd never stick with that so I ended up creating my own plan with moderate change and sure enough, the levels ended up where they were supposed to be.
I don't like being defined or classified as an abstainer or moderator. That's far too narrow of a focus for me. It enables more Black and White thinking that the food disordered spend hours in therapy - working on being free from. One person has managed to group 1000's of people into tiny little boxes and they're all made out ticky tacky.
I'm definitely a moderator, but my husband is an abstainer! It makes things tricky, for sure.