Why I don't dye my gray hair
The gray hair in question:
In the inadvertently selfie-heavy Five Frugal Things post yesterday, reader Crystal left this comment:
I especially love your hair! Lovely! My hair is going gray and I find that people are uncomfortable with it. I am 50 and I am just weary of coloring my hair. Maybe you could do a blog post about this?
Aww, I am sorry to hear that other people are foisting their gray-hair opinions on you.
I really dislike the cultural narrative around aging, especially for women, and I wrote a fairly long post on the whole topic of aging.
A lot of what I wrote in that post is relevant here, but I don't think I've ever written a post specifically about gray hair.
But first, I need to make something clear:
I have mixed feelings about my gray hair
Like you, I live in a culture that is terrified of aging, and even though I try to fight against that, I know the culture affects me and how I think.
So, sometimes I feel bummed out that I am getting more and more gray hairs, and I wish for the days when my hair was all brown.
But as I wrote in my post about aging, I don't think I need to pressure myself to love my gray hair. A place of acceptance is a very adequate goal.
I've taken almost 46 trips around the sun, and it is impossible to do that without experiencing some age-related change. Accepting that as fact helps me to feel more peaceful!
Now that we have that out of the way, here are the reasons I have not dyed my grays.
1. I don't like to spend money
Home hair dye is fairly affordable, but that does still add up over time.
But salon dye...that is expensive for sure, and I just am not sure my frugal heart would want to commit to regular, expensive hair salon trips.
2. I am lazy on the beauty front
I know I've said it a million times: it takes very little to reach my, "Nah, that's too much bother" threshold when it comes to beauty.
I spend maybe 15 minutes on hair and makeup each day, excluding the time it takes to shower, and my product lineup is super minimal.
Based on this long-standing history of behavior, I don't think I'd want to keep up with home dye jobs or regular salon trips. That's definitely above my "too much bother" threshold!
3. I would probably be walking around with visible roots all the time
Given the above information, I can gaze into the future and see that I'm a likely candidate for being a person whose grown-out roots are showing on the regular.
I'd either be too lazy to bother with touching up my roots at home, or too cheap to go to the salon to get it done sufficiently often.
And honestly, grown-out roots are not more attractive than the current hair situation I'm in.
I think that specific fact is what helps me the most!
4. I want to push back on unfair beauty standards
Part of my refusal to dye my grays is based on stubbornness. I am irritated that our society views men with gray hair as being attractive and sophisticated, but women with gray hair are considered to be washed up and worn out.
I am irritated that it is considered to be "brave" to show your gray hair when you are in your 40s and 50s.
I am irritated that gray hair is considered to be normal only when we reach our 70s or 80s, when the truth is that most humans start getting gray hairs in their 30s and 40s, and once we're in our 50s, pretty much all of us have a lot of gray hair.
5. I want to normalize what is actually, factually normal
The reason we buy into the, "Gray hair is for old people" lie is that we are not used to seeing people, women in particular, showing their gray hair until they stop dying it.
And that's usually in their last few decades of life.
I think there is a small cultural shift going on right now, with more and more women choosing to stop dying their grays, or to never start in the first place.
And I'm a small part of that. 🙂
The more we see this, the more normalized it will become.
6. I am being kind to my hair
I know there are ways to mitigate the damage that dye does to your hair, but probably nothing is kinder to your hair than leaving it undyed.
7. I never have to navigate the growing out process
If I don't ever start to cover my grays, I never have to make the big decision to chop it all off or go through the painful growing-out stage.
I can just let my hair slowly do its thing, and my body will decide when I will become all gray. 🙂
And now I have three thoughts about the issue of other people and their opinions!
1. Get confident in your own reasons not to dye
If you feel solidly content inside of yourself about your decision to stop dying, other people's opinions will weigh less.
2. Own the fact that this is your hair
If other people feel uncomfortable about what you are doing with the hair that is on your head, well, they really need to stay in their own lanes a little better.
(And perhaps they need to do some soul-searching to figure out why someone else's hair is so important to them.)
Other people don't have to walk around with your hair, and they're not the ones who bear the burden of maintaining repeated coloring, so I just don't think their opinions need to hold a bunch of weight.
Each of us gets to make our own decisions about what we will do with our own bodies, and that includes what we do or don't do with our hair. You are the boss of you!
3. Find some online community that helps normalize what you are doing
Maybe there's no one around you in real life who is ditching the dye, but there are tons of Instagram accounts where women are documenting their gray hair journeys. Following them might help you to feel less alone.
Also: there are people who can appreciate the beauty of gray hair. I have gotten multiple compliments on my gray hair, so rest assured that there are people out there who will be supportive of your decision.
Alrighty, readers! Share your gray hair thoughts with us.
P.S. I have not made an irrevocable decision against dying my hair. It is possible that at some point, I will splurge and get the deep auburn red hair color I've always wanted to try.
But if I do that, it won't be to cover my grays; it will be because that is a color I want to try for a bit. 😉
P.P.S. If you choose to dye your hair, please do not read this post as a judgment on your decision. If that's your splurge and you love your reasons for dying your hair, that is a-ok! Your hair, your business. It's all good. 🙂
I can relate to so many things you've said in this post, Kristen! I've never considered dyeing my gray, for several of the same reasons. But I do actually like it for me and on me. I feel like somehow it's a visible award for going through some hard things 🙂 - but I realize it's a normal part of aging, regardless of our experiences.
@Brooke, I'm going to have to steal your "visible award" phrase! That's very much how I feel about my gray.
@N, That's how I feel about my stretch marks.
@Rose, Same!
Short response to this still very relevant post:
Do not underestimate your no 7! It took Covid for me to go to my natural colour, even though I had been yearning for it for several years already. With long hair, it took over two years before the last dye had grown out. I really regretted that I had started to colour my hair in my forties.
Personally, I feel stronger and more self-assured in my natural colour. And the upside of turning gray at a younger age is, that you have more years ahead of being gray with very few wrinkles. This actually looks quite good on women as well as men, and your pictures testify to that fact Kristen!
@JNL, I fully agree with you. Ialso grew mine out during the lockdown, perfect time to do it. My work place was closed for a few months, which made it easier. I have been coloring my dark brown hair for twenty years and I also was playing around with stopping for quite some time. Had a lot of snarky remarks from some colleagues going back, but they started lookin harsh to me with ageing and coloring. I managed to keep my mouth shut, though, haha.
I did strip dyeing twice, just to test it out and I actually loved the different colors on my head.
Now I have been fully grown out for a long time - still sometimes miss my browns but funny enough I get a lot more compliments now about my grey hair. Will never go back. Although I always colored it myself, I am saving a lot of money. And time.
@Celeste, gray wasn't my issue, I just looked like cousin It. I was due for a cut when lock down started. When things started opening back up, my hairdresser sent me a text that said "rhetorical question, but do you need a haircut?". I know a few people who just-could-not-do-without and had people cutting/dying hair "under the radar". I thought that was appalling. But I did tell my male co-workers who complained about hair length that I had them beat. Showed one of them and he said "eek!".
I am dying my hair because I feel pressured to look as young as possible. One would think that wisdom and age are appreciated in my profession, but it is not. In my field, younger and newer is more valued, and older is considered outdated.
@MommaJo, I have a friend who was the oldest employee in her office, by about 30 years, and she felt a lot of pressure to look younger so continued to dye her hair. I can see how the influence of the people around us affects how we feel about our decision to go gray or not.
@MommaJo, I could not agree more.
@MommaJo, Tech? I recently had to advise my older brother, 60, to leave all his old jobs off his resume and not to put the year of his degree. Sigh.
I am ashamed to say that when I started out in tech in the late 80s, I made fun of grizzled old veterans in an editor's note. "...then we just tossed that stack of punch cards...." Oh well, I guess I thought I'd never get old.
@MommaJo,
The reality is in some business/industries/fields, you really do have to do a lot to maintain a certain type of appearance. Coloring hair is only one part. There's also makeup and clothes and accessories. (And it isn't JUST fashion or beauty industry jobs we're talking about it here.)
It's especially problematic because the double-standard still exists. The pressure on men about appearance is so much less. (Although my male friends tell me that those who have lost their hair early still feel somewhat judged badly by their baldness. It takes a certain kind of man who feels so confident that they can pull it off. It doesn't help that so many women automatically pass on a man who is bald (A friend, who ended up marrying someone who is 30 and bald, admitted that she originally didn't consider dating him because of that. She was being honest as that is how many women feel but would never say. She realized that he had so much going for him and he was so much nicer and caring than the men she dated with hair, that it made no sense for her to not date him for that reason. Oh, yeah, after a spectacular courtship and proposal, they're happily married!)
Ultimately, if someone feels comfortable in their own hair situation, that's key. But the pressure from society (and even friends) is tough. Especially for women who are dating. It's one thing to be gray or white (oh, I love white hair and wished I had it instead of salt/pepper (gray and black).) in your sixties, seventies and older. Another thing entirely in your 30s, 40s and 50s. No matter how many models we see with gray or white hair.
I truly admire Kristen for being true to herself. Upkeep is why a lot of us just let our hair go naturally.
Oh, that is so interesting about the baldness. I think a bald head and a beard is a VERY winning combination. That's a green flag for me. 😉
@MommaJo,
A hair salon stylist told me "to play the (corporate) game, you have to look younger," and dye your hair. Of course, she was getting money from women subscribing to that theory. So I would hardly consider her unbiased.
@Irena, My husband's hair was as long or longer than my mid-back length hair for years--then his medical scare happened, and it started falling out in clumps from the stress and meds (not chemo). He decided, in his own words, "F--- that, I don't want to look like a creeper" and shaved his head. The fact of the matter is he looks dead sexy either way, as his cheekbones, gorgeous eyes, and soul shine either way.
@MommaJo, that's awful! How foolish to disregard experience. Do you mind sharing what your field is?
@Fru-gal Lisa, Although I don't work in a typical corporate setting, I'm fortunate to have had many professional mentors (current and past) who set the standard for having gray hair and not wearing make up (or minimal make up). It was so freeing!
@Irena, whoever says bald guys aren't sexy hasn't taken a good look around. I've had a crush on Patrick Stewart for 30 years. Sexiest bald guy in this or any other galaxy.
@A. Marie, Amen, sister!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, I am an educator.
@Rose, don't dis punch cards - so handy for notes. As were paper napkins as you sat in the bar mapping out programs.
I'm actually surprised that I don't seem to have any gray hair yet. My sister, who is younger than me does and both my parents had gray by my age, so I'm sure it's coming. I do notice other visible signs of aging like wrinkles and varicose veins, and sometimes they bug me a little, but usually I just think "huh, so that's happening...ok, I guess." My college roommate was telling me she is planning to try some sort of facial yoga to help "tighten up" her wrinkles, and I had a similar reaction as you do to the idea of hair dye. It just sounded like so much work! So, I guess I'll just stick with my wrinkles. Hopefully they demonstrate the balance of emotions I've felt in my life. You know, like the crow's feet from amusement can coexist with the lines at the bridge of my nose that indicate I have also spent plenty of time thinking "you have got to be fing kidding me..."
@Becca,
Your last sentence made me laugh out loud! Thanks!
@Becca, I am now going to be calling those wrinkles that YFK lines. It’ll go well with the MSU’ing we do in my family. (Making, um, Stuff up.)
@Becca, I'd never heard of face yoga as a thing, so I looked it up. It seems all the therapy I've been doing for my facial paralysis would probably qualify. Has it made my skin tighten up? I don't know. I lost about 30 pounds since the paralysis, so that was a big change, too. But I was expecting that with all the tugging I do on my face that I'd have more sagging and such. So far, I think it might look a little more youthful? I'm not sure.
@Jody S., Something else I forgot--- I would consider adding some facial stretches/exercises to an exercise regimen (or maybe morning coffee time) for no other reason than stress relief. I hadn't realized how much stress you hold in the muscles of your face and head (and neck).
@WilliamB, @MaryAnne,
Happy to oblige!
@Jody S.,
I could definitely stand to lose some of the tension in my face, jaw, neck, etc. I think I need something stronger than yoga though. My dentist actually recommended Botox because my grinding is so bad (oh, the wailing and gnashing of teeth) but I dunno... something about injecting my face with literal toxins gives me pause...
@Becca, during Covid my sister who had been dying her hair for a while flipped up her bangs and I was like OMG. She had visible roots but the bulk of her gray is "underneath".
@Becca, Botox is supposed to be very effective for one of the paralysis complications I have (synkinesis), BUT I am so hypersensitive to Stuff In My Body that I will not try it since it's not unlikely that my reaction would be worse that what is being treated.
Have you checked into physical therapy for grinding? The place I go has one therapist who specializes in TMD/TMD, I think. The other therapists have experience with it, too. Facial physical therapy has made such a difference for me. I'm not sure if it's okay to post here (so delete if necessary, Kristen), but I will just in case. The place is called Center for Facial and Functional Recovery. They do have some videos (I think) for exercises and stretches for the jaw on youtube. They also have virtual appointments.
@Jody S.,
Good to know...if the wailing and gnashing ever eclipse the ever-present laziness, I'll look into it.
One of my earliest childhood memories is of my mom dying her hair at home, which she did well into my adulthood. Even as a little kid, I thought "That looks like a lot of work/fuss. I don't think so."
My first grays appeared right at 30, when my husband had a significant health scare. They've only grown in number since (my joke is a solid 1/3 of my gray is thanks to time on the phone with insurance--honestly, that's probably true!) and I've proper silver streaks now. No one has given me guff about them yet, though I've been complimented many times on my "highlights" and asked where I had them done! lol I have noticed that I get asked my age more, as I look very young (both sides of the family are baby faced) in contrast to the gray. Should any actual guff come my way, my answer will be what I tell the mirror: "I've earned every last one of these!"
@N, one of my little patients stared at my hair as I was examining him.
“You have sparkles in your hair, that’s so cool”
I’ve not thought negatively about the gray since then. Took a 5 year old to really put it in perspective for me
My mom lost her sister and mother very young (33 and 46) and so aging and birthdays in our family have always been celebrated with joy as a gift. My Mom once commented that her sister never had to opportunity to have gray hair and I have taken that to heart and think of gray hair as a gift of all the things I have been able to experience that she never did. That said, I am 40 and have about a dozen strands, so I haven’t had to walk the talk yet! But I don’t foresee myself dying my hair for all of the reasons Kristen mentioned, mostly that I just can’t be bothered!
@Kristin W, what a great perspective! I love this. I will think about the blessing of living long enough to have grey hair now. Thank you.
@Kristin W, My husband said the same thing - his dad died when he was 56, and had no great hair. When my husband got his first grays, he was super excited!
@Kristin W,
Love your mom's celebratory attitude. Milestone birthdays have never bothered me for just that reason - so many friends and family never made it this far, and I am thankful for every year I'm given! Gray hairs and all.
All those women--and you!--have dark hair so the gray streaks look gorgeous. If I had dark hair, I'd leave it alone too.
But I have red hair and red streaked with gray looks awful, so I dye it. I spend approximately 0 minutes a day on hair and makeup, so my faff level is very low, but I do send $30 on dye every six weeks or so to get the more expensive, realistic red. Cheap red dye is awful looking.
Like most things in my life, I do it to please only myself. Couldn't care less what everyone else thinks, don't wanna date etc etc.
@Rose, I have strawberry blond and it is slowly getting streaks of white (or is it just getting more blond? Hard to say). I agree with you that cheap red dye is terrible.
@Rose, Have you ever used henna? I had a coworker with gorgeous red hair who used nothing but henna (she was also one of those Earth mother types who was into all the natural stuff.)
@Bobi, Henna always looks fake to me. Besides, it's way darker than my natural hair.
Re natural stuff, I used to use Indian Earth for makeup and it looked good on me. I recently bought a new pot but, brilliantly, apparently left it where Rescue Pup could get it, chew it, and get nice brick red streaks on my new silver colored velvet sofa. Sigh. And I only ever use castile soap on my face and body. No body wash or face wash for me.
@Rose, Redhead here, too. I had to wait until the grays coming in were mostly white before I could let go of the dye.
@Rose, I also have red hair and have a fringe of gray around my face. I use a natural henna (same powder that they use for henna skin tattoos) mixed with another herb (cassia) which is very conditioning. The mix exactly matches my natural color and doesn't have drying chemicals. Lucky find. Super easy and cheap as well. I spent $45 in 2014 for 5 packages and I think I still have 2 or 3 left!
@Rose, I LONGED for red hair as a kid. Too much Pippi Longstocking, I believe.
@Rose, I LOVED Indian Earth in college. I probably looked like a clown with it on my cheeks. Then it got restyled as BHD–Beverly Hills Dirt. Dumb. From earthy to fancy was supposed to be a good marketing move? I didn't know it was still available, and as Indian Earth. As always, I continue to learn all sorts of things from you.
@Rose, I get it. I love the look of turning gray the most on black hair. It’s stunning. Personally doesn’t look at striking on my medium brown hair.
Medium brown here too, and I have sort of wished for another base color as I gray. Oh well!
@Rose, I have red hair with a bit of silver and people assume I have expensive highlights. Or a wig.
@Sk in Norway,
I love my ever-lightening "highlights" in my strawberry blonde (okay, maybe strawberry brown) hair. It may all depend on your shade of red - mine always had a million colors mixed together, so I don't think a bunch of colorless strands makes a lot of difference. And my hairdresser gushes over it (shrug?).
As one with a lot of gray in my 50s, I agree with what you’ve said about the decision not to dye and would add one: I am concerned about the chemicals in hair dyes and would prefer to avoid them.
I love your hair! I am also going gray (45). I don’t mind looking 45, but there are drawbacks. Did you know that you can bring an age discrimination lawsuit at 45? There’s a reason for that, too. I went back to work this year and it has been so strange.
My mom has opinions about it. She keeps commenting on my hair. But she also doesn’t like that I don’t wear makeup or heels. So I’d have to do a lot to make my mom happy about my appearance.
My mom and sister both started going gray in their teens. I remember my mom had this hair crayon that she used to color in her roots with- like a giant eyebrow pencil. The visible roots situation is a big reason I don’t want to dye mine. I agree with all of your reasons, actually.
I also feel like even when women dye their hair, wear makeup, and even take additional steps like getting Botox, society still maligns women just for being old. So why are we playing this game?
I just wish my hair would hurry up and go completely gray. The front is gray, the back isn’t. It looks really weird if I put my hair up now- like I’m wearing a switch or something. I also never appreciated my natural hair color before and now I am a little sad about that- oh, I did have pretty hair! It’s in this in-between stage right now that is not so pretty.
When it finally goes completely white, I’d like to dye it light pink. I have had pink hair since I was twenty, but that was a fun time.
My hair started greying in my 30s and people made comments about it all the time. It is more noticeable when you have dark hair. I do miss my all dark brown hair, but I agree it seems like it would be too much to keep up with dyeing it. I dislike seeing peoples roots showing and I know I wouldn’t stay on top of it. And I have long hair and I want to keep it long. The growing out process does not appeal to me.
Hm, I just looked up red hair with gray--my gray is really white or a dead grass color--and I saw someone with highlights and lowlights for growing the gray out and it looked good. Maybe I'll try it in a few weeks when it's time for a cut. I usually color at home because sitting and making just-us-girls small talk kinda bores me. The salon owner is soooo dumb but sweet and my preferred stylist starts complimenting my looks which embarrasses me, like "you have such lovely slim legs." Then I have to make a joke like "These tree trunks? They're certainly....sturdy."
Come to think of it, one thing I do to defy stereotypes is I generally don't shave anywhere. Fortunately my body hair is blonde.
@Rose, I hate that forced intimacy in a salon. So much mindless chitchat, and all those women admiring themselves in the mirror. Ugh.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, And don't forget the music constantly playing. And the noise of the dryers going. And the noise of all the talking. But the music is the worst.
@Rose, salon small talk stresses me out as well. For a period of time my cousin cut my hair. Salon was owned by her sister and 3 siblings wished there. Upscale, high maintenance scene. I’d wander in from work- in my work scrubs, no makeup, and felt weird. I’ like talking about real things, small talk stresses me. So I no longer go there for that and other reasons.
Now I go to a nice but small place and feel less- whatever it was I felt
Another member of the Proudly Gray contingent here. In addition to the reasons others have mentioned, (a) I like how my gray is coming in (my original dark brown is now nicely frosted/streaked); and (b) the amount of experimenting my middle sister used to do with peroxide and dyes in high school put me off the idea of hair coloring for life!
I love your hair! I am on the other side of the discussion. I think I have very few grey hairs. But, I started dyeing mine when I turn 50 (58 now) just for a change. I went from mousey brown to a very vivid burgundy pixie cut. I also wear bold black glasses. I’ve had people stop me to tell me they like my hair or my “look.” And honestly, I do, too. I have never felt more myself! My hair is short enough that I dye it with products from Sally’s Beauty Supply or my daughter will sometimes help. It took me 58 yrs to figure out what I look like!!
@Diane, me too! I'm also 58 (on the cusp of 59) and I started dyeing mine at age 50. I don't have a lot of grey hair--maybe 25%--and I don't use a dye with peroxide. I use Clairol Natural Instincts, which is a demi permanent color. I think women (and men) should do what makes them happy with their hair. Dyeing my hair every 6-8 weeks is a pain ..... but the texture of my hair has changed and I find it to be more manageable with hair color product on it, and I prefer how it looks. The short-term pain of dyeing my hair is worth it to me for the long-term gain of a day-to-day increased simplicity with styling my hair. I spend mayyyyyyyybe 5 minutes on a shampoo day (2-3 times/week) with a blow dryer brush .... the rest of the time I quickly brush it and boom, I'm done.
That being said, I have a couple of friends who both went grey at an early age and have decided they are done with coloring their greys. Both of them have beautiful, stylish cuts and are rocking the grey look. I know both of them have struggled with the pros and cons and it hasn't been an easy decision.
@Kris, All non-temporary hair dyes contain peroxide, including Natural Instincts. They can call it developer or creme or whatever, but it's all still peroxide.
@Rose, true. I meant to say ammonia free. Demi permanent is a great option for me but we all have different comfort levels with using hair color. I'm not sure what I will do when demi permanent isn't enough for me. I like that it washes out gradually and doesn't leave the dreaded skunk line. I'll cross that bridge someday ...
I have gray hair and do dye it. I have found a beautician who does it in her home, and I get my hair dyed and trimmed for a very reasonable price. One of the reasons that I like dying my hair is that it is very fine and thin. The dye actually gives it some weight, and my hair looks fuller. If I had nice thick hair like my sister, I think I'd be all gray at this point.
I'm 46 (almost 47), have never dyed my hair (any color) and have no intension of ever doing so all the same reasons Kristen outlined. I've been blessed with thick, healthy brown hair (probably due, in part, because I do so very little to it) and I only just started getting gray. So far, I like my "highlights". I have the added benefit of seeing my beautiful mother with lovely long, silvery gray hair. She gets compliments on it all the time. I would be thrilled to have such a nice head of gray hair like her one day!
The woman who cut my hair when I was your age (you young thing, you!) always pressured me to 'cover up that gray', which I steadfastly refused. Until the day her friend was in the shop, took one look at my hair, and immediately asked her to do the same color job for her. She thought I'd spent a lot of money for my frost job! My hairdresser never said another word about my gray.
@Queen of Fifty Cents, Hahahahaha thanks for that story, love it!
There's a verse in Proverbs about gray hair being a crown 🙂
I've never dyed my hair, not because I have anything against it, but like you, it just seems like a lot of work and money to maintain it once you've started! At almost 36 I have a good amount of single gray hairs and so far I don't mind it at all. In the past few years I watched my mom decide to stop dyeing her hair, and that process to try to get the color out, or grow it out, was enough to make me solidify my decision, haha.
@JP, Love that Proverb! It’s a good way to talk with people about Jesus as I gray. Some can’t believe the Bible talks about gray hair!
It's funny, because I come from a line of southern women who alllllways dyed their hair. My grandmother (everyone called her Duchess, which tells you a lot about her) dyed her hair or wore wigs until she died at 93 years old. My mother dyed her hair until she was around 70. My sister still dyes her hair at fifty.
I never have. And I never even thought about it. Maybe it's because I didn't even start seeing gray until around 40, by which point I was already in a place in my life where gray hair just didn't register as a problem to be fixed. Or maybe it's because I'm even lazier than you when it comes to beauty maintenance things.
In any case, it's not something I've spent much time thinking about at all. However, I do think it's probably harder to STOP dying it than to never start. At least, from the perspective of having other people notice and possibly make (completely uncalled-for) comments.
In any case, this seems to be one of those situations where the time-worn advice I give my children would be helpful for certain adults who feel free to comment on others' appearance: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
@kristin @ going country, as dear Alice Roosevelt said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit over by me."
Agreed on it being easier to never start. That way everyone around you eases into you being gray. Obviously, it would be lovely if people were accepting regardless, but it probably does save some shock when you've just slowly gone gray over time.
@kristin @ going country, My husband's grandmother dyed her hair black until she died in her 90s (after breaking a hip while bowling in high heels).
I watched my mom start dyeing her hair in her late 30s (her mom had all white hair by her late 50s) and even then I thought it just seemed like One More Thing, so I never really tried it. Plus my grandfather would occasionally turn to me and ask if I was dyeing my (blond) hair, of which he was very fond, and I'd reassure him I wasn't...I'm sure if I'd started he'd haunt me! 😀
I dyed my hair for a number of years and absolutely hated that roots started showing within a few weeks. To me it was a bother and an expense I hated, but it was really hard to break out of that cycle. I finally did and let my natural colour take over when I was still in my 40's. I had just enough grey to look like highlights. At some point around age 50 I got it dyed again almost instantly regretted it. So I let it grow out again and when I got the last haircut to get rid of the last of the dye I wanted to celebrate! I'm 55 now and have had lots of compliments on the hair. Hopefully the tide is turning/has turned on the idea that women need to constantly hide the fact that we are aging!
I do find the physical changes (and menopause - holy hotflashes!!!!!) more challenging and distressing at times now. I'm a runner and training for a marathon and oh my heavens, it is so much more difficult now versus even 5 years ago. I'm working on accepting those physical changes while doing everything I can to maintain fitness and mobility as I get older.
@Roslyn, When I had hot flashes, they were anything but "holy!" But I found that drinking soy milk would stop them. I drank a glass or 2 every day. If I went 2 or 3 days without drinking soy milk, they'd come back. Finally, I got old enough that the hot flashes stopped on their own, I used to drink chocolate soy milk for the "power surges," as my friend Jo Ellen called them, but I've noticed that product isn't so widely available anymore. But I still see vanilla and plain soy milk, and it's cheaper than medication. You might try that if your hot flashes are a common occurrence....of course, if it's winter and you're in a really cold climate, maybe the hot flashes would feel good, LOL!
@Roslyn, training for a marathon! Awesome. And it will be really fantastic when you with your gray hair pass by runners with their darker hair. . . haha.
@Fru-gal Lisa, the soy mimics estrogen, which then calms menopause symptoms. I never had any hot flashes, but I am usually hot. Weird.
Like I said yesterday "Embrace The Gray!" I am 63 and have a head of white hair. I love it. There is still some brown in the underneath, but that's OK. And I don't get looks at all; I get compliments on how beautiful my hair is.
My husband was the one who convinced me to go all gray after my 50th birthday. I was doing a touch up every 2 weeks along with a full dye job every 5-6 weeks. It was a lot of work to keep that skunk line at bay (I had brown hair). And I would get looks all the time for my skunk line; but young 20 somethings that had brown hair dyed blond, it was OK for them to have brown skunk lines in their blond hair (it was the style then).
Now my husband and I joke. He used to have a full head of hair and I had brown hair when we first married. Now we say, "he made me gray and I made him bald."
BTW, white hair does need care also. Too much blue/purple shampoo and you become a "blue hair." Too much heat/sun/environmental effects and you get yellowing. So you don't have to dye your hair per say, but you do have to do some hair care to keep it white.
@Maureen, The blue/purple shampoo used to be a big deal among older ladies when I was in high school. There was an elderly English teacher whose first name was Sally; she had white hair but some weeks, her hairdresser goofed on the blue tint rinse and it came out looking funky colors, like violet. Her students then nicknamed her "Mustang Sally with the Purple Hair." Of course, this was said behind her back because she was very, very old school and strict. Thanks for reminding me of the funny memory!
@Fru-gal Lisa, someone who used to be on the radio but shall remain unnamed here used to refer to "the blue-haired, Bloody Mary crowd" when referring to ladies who would lunch at country clubs. And as a kid, I used to ask Mom why Grandma's hair was blue.
I made the commitment in 2024 to stop all hair color. I am 53. It is coming in grey. I am embracing it.
I truly do not even know what my natural color even is … yet!
One of my sisters who is nine years older is appalled at my decision. I AM OWNING IT!
@Stephanie, Good for you! I know it's a process, and not everyone will support you, but it's your body. And I've never heard anyone say they regret stopping coloring their hair.
I have increasingly noticed our culture's fear of aging. I wonder if it's linked to an increased fear of death. As a pastor's wife, I sometimes see a good bit of people's reactions to death. I've seen a lot more denial of the eventuality of it. I have even heard of a younger parent taking children to a funeral and telling them that the body was the "pretend body."
I'm in the "not going to dye it" camp, but as I age more, I can see the appeal of different age-fighting measures. Aging isn't easy, but I think it might be easier to adapt to it gradually with all the wrinkles and gray hairs than to deny it for years and have to face it in a sudden, traumatic way.
@Jody S., that's so sad about the "pretend body". Death is part of our world and I think it's helpful for kids to be exposed (in an age-appropriate manner) to it.
I've had similar thoughts about our society's fascination with "anti-aging foods" and exercise. I am fully on board with a healthy diet and exercise plan ..... don't hear what I'm not saying .... but even the healthiest lifestyle won't keep us alive forever. I'm hoping to do my part in keeping my body functioning well, but I find that I'm appreciating what my body can do as I age, and recognizing that some aspects of aging are beyond my control. Perhaps watching my parent's aging and death has given me a more realistic look at my own mortality. This might be in interesting (but challenging) topic post someday.
@Kris, I'm going to borrow your very useful phrase "don’t hear what I’m not saying".
@Kris, If I had a blog, I would do one post called "Stupid things people said to me when they thought I was dying, and things I heard them say when they thought I was too far gone to hear anything."
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, I borrowed it from a pastor! It's great, isn't it?
@Lindsey,
Yikes! I can only guess at some of the things that were said. People really are clueless sometimes.
I am the same age as you and have similar feelings.
I just can't be bothered to put that much effort into covering grey hair.
Great post.
I stopped high and low lighting my hair during COVID pandemic, and never turned back. I'm 61, and was a towhead as a youth, so to be fair, my gray/silver is just coming in, but I'm actually loving it. I feel like I've earned it!
I began growing my hair long during the pandemic as well, and am likewise loving that. I haven't had long hair since I was about six years old, and perhaps it reminds me of the carefreeness of youth. It just makes me so happy to feel it down my back, a very foreign feeling for me.
I get only compliments about my hair these days, but I am also no longer working, plus I live by the beach, which may have an impact. I live in an area replete with retirees, and also an area full of people with wet hair that just left the water whether due to surfing, swimming, paddle boarding, boogie boarding, etc., so it may also reflect my unique environment.
All to say I have no plans to restart the commitment of maintaining colored hair. And Kristen, perhaps because I am likewise trim such as you are, I still get plenty of attention from the opposite gender, even at my advancing age, and definitely without seeking it, because I'm quite happily married. Simply to say the gray has not been an impediment whatsoever in that dept!
I've been approached more than once by men in their 20s, so yes, I don't think the gray is a big deterrent for male attention. 😉
@Kristen,
But were any of them bearded baldies? 😉
Maaaaaaybe. 😉
Thank you, Kristen, and everyone in this community! I have been getting steadily more gray. My only "complaint" is the texture, because the gray hairs seem to REALLY just do what they want to do without regard for the rest of my hair or my attempts to make them behave haha. I love how you suggest to solidify my own reasons for and commitment to leaving my hair alone, and this post helps me do that exactly!
My mom dyed her hair most of her life. She finally stopped in her late fifties but it was too late. Her hair was so damaged and became thinner and thinner and she was nearly bald when she passed. She also developed lymphoma which I'm convinced was caused by the chemicals in the early hair dyes she used. I don't think that's an issue with current products, but watching her (and her friends) over the years, I've never never been tempted to touch the stuff.
@Bobi, in addition to being cheap and lazy, I also find those chemicals and the abuse of one's hair and scalp to be very alarming.
Longtime lurker here!
I think your gray hair adds an air of maturity to your young face,I think it's a positive as you enter the nursing field,we all know a story of a patient or resident that has chased a staff member out of their room,thinking they're not old enough for whatever is happening.
I gave up on mine a few years back after the color on the box had no bearing on what was going to show up on my head since I had dyed it so much.
And,with the lines of a former smoker on my face I wasn't fooling anyone.
I 100% embrace my grays. The first few appeared in my early 20’s, startling my brother so much that I named the most prominent after him. Damned if I can see why it’s anyone else’s business than your own and maybe your spouse’s if you choose that it should be. What idiot stranger would think that it’s appropriate to comment on someone else?!? When I see that happening, I always want to know if that person says similar things to men as well as women.
I also totally agree that I’d rather have gray than gray roots and that if I ever dye my hair, it’ll be to get that color not to cover something else. I’m thinking of teal.
@WilliamB, I got my first gray hair my first year of teaching 8th grade. I named it after the worst student that year. I think I progressed at one more gray hair a year for a few years. I named those, too. Then I got 2 one year, and I stopped bothering.
@WilliamB, My stock answer when someone makes a comment about my appearance or behavior is, "You are not f-ing me or feeding me, so it is none of your business." I have found that it shuts people right up.
@Lindsey,
Wait a minute...by this response, it sounds like you could be implying I might need to let my husband pick all my outfits...let's just say I would not be able to be seen in public, people... 😉
I'm 47, my hair is about the same amount of gray as yours (perhaps a little less), and I pretty much hold to the same reasons as you for not coloring my hair.
As far as my feelings go on gray hair, they stop at the hairs of MY OWN head. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else does--just like my gray hair isn't anyone's business, someone else's colored hair isn't my business either!
Former hair dyer here. I dyed mine at home because the salon dyes irritated my scalp.I decided to let my fully gray hair grow out starting in late 2019 & it took a little over a year for that as I had long hair. I have “salt & pepper” gray hair, meaning it’s a mixture of black and white. I can honestly say that I have gotten just as many compliments on my gray hair as I did for my dyed hair - not necessarily due to the color but the way I “style” it. Meaning it’s usually curly (naturally blessed) or French braided. I love my gray hair, plus it is thick in addition to the natural curl. I really don’t do much except wash & minimal styling - a must for years now. Some folks didn’t like my decision to “go gray” but that didn’t bother me. Again, I am more of a minimalist when it comes to my hair.
I understand your stance on gray hair. For me it comes down to feeling good about myself and looking good professionally as a nurse. I will say as a nurse for 30 years I have seen many of my coworkers rock gray hair and others not so much. But I have never judged a person because of their hair choice.
Good for you girl! I barely find the energy to do just standard stuff like wash my face, apply my sunscreen face lotion, flossing, keeping nails trimmed and healthy, etc. and that stuff is basically health care. There is no way I’m adding hundreds of dollars and regular appointments to the list that would be just cosmetic. I do understand that other people may prioritize it higher, have more time and money to expend on the cause, or have some other reasons for dyeing their hair, and if I’m being honest, I do frequently admire the results, so no judgment here. Team everyone do what you want with your hair!
I stopped coloring my hair in my 40s (when my kids were teenagers) and have never looked back. I wear my natural gray/white hair in a pixie cut. I don't own a hair brush. I do get it cut every 4 weeks but it is super easy, has made my life easier and I get compliments on my hair literally everywhere I go. I would never go back to coloring it. It's who I am now.
I was a towhead kid who went to honey blonde and ended up at the horrible dishwater blonde that is so common in formerly blonde kids. I highlighted my hair at home for a while but it was too much money and time. I started going gray in my 40’s and got some snarky comments on that from non-family but I chose to ignore that. I developed the coveted silver streak that my sweet grandmother started graying with, and that convinced me to let the gray and silver come on. She had a head of gorgeous silver hair by her 70’s.
My parents: neither one was gray when they died at 78 and 80. Both had only a sprinkle of gray hair and they both got accused of dying their hair. My DH, also, is not gray. His coffee brown hair has a few sprinkles of gray at the hairline that one had to be close up to see, and he is 71. He has been accused of dying his hair for years. I guess you could say they are\were getting the other side of the dye or not dye issue.
I have no problems with others dying their hair but I don’t like the process for me. One of our daughters highlights and lowlights her hair. The other chose to embrace the dishwater blonde color and quit highlighting. Why did they both get my hair color?! Why couldn’t I have had my mother’s black hair for that matter? I prefer my silver to my drab dark blonde, honestly.
@JD, I think we need to retire the term “dishwater blonde”, and its cousin “dirty blonde.” I was a towheaded youth, but my hair turned dark blonde by the time I was a teenager. I hated my hair color, and used to try to think of snappy comebacks using the term “peroxide blonde.” Now, I look at pictures of my younger self, and I think that my hair color was beautiful.
I have a different journey. I started coloring my hair auburn in my 20s and it looked good for a long time. I loved it. I had a professional do it for a while and then I did it on my own. I got a lot of compliments on it.
Then in 2015 we went on a vacation and took a lot of pictures, and well didn't look right. It looked too bright, and just too much. Plus I had been wondering what my "real" color looked like. So I just stopped coloring one day. I went to my stylist and had her cut my hair pretty short. I then just kept it short for a while.
Then for the first time in my life I grew it long. It was really freeing.
Also no judgement on my coloring sisters. I loved that suburn hair, it just wasn't me anymore.
Amy
40 years ago I started coloring my hair in my teens for fun and continued doing so until just before the pandemic when I developed a allergy to hair dyes of all kinds, natural or otherwise. My skin became much more sensitive as I approached and entered menopause. I decide to embrace my "platinum highlights," as I call them, and also buzzed my hair super short to get rid of all the remaining color. My hair is now shinier and healthier and I need far less product to maintain it. I use a purple shampoo bar to keep the brass at bay, and then just a dab of gel to groom it, maybe a bit of pomade for shine when it gets drier in fall and winter.
I noticed that a lot of women in my office also went gray during the pandemic and kept it that way. They all look great! Their hair looks healthier and shinier as well.
I think we should all do whatever the heck we want with our hair! I’m almost 65 and have never dyed mine. I never liked the way the roots on other people showed, and didn’t want to mess with a time-consuming process. But by golly, it’s your choice! Do what you want and don’t judge other people.
I dyed my hair for years (red -- which is very hard to maintain.) I was constantly struggling with white roots. When I did finally decide to stop, the transformation of my hair was remarkable. It is so much healthier now! Of course, now that my hair is grey (a lot of white, really) no one mistakes me as being younger than I am -- something that happened a lot when it was dyed. But I can live with that.
I'm 53 and have some gray. Less than you Kristen, but enough now that you can see them around my face without having to look too hard. My hair is brown with some natural highlights (I was blond as a kid and it darkened). My mother is 89 years old, and I have never once seen her natural hair color. I find that really wild that she's been so committed to dying it all these years. It is short too, so it wouldn't be that hard for her to grow out at this point.
I have never in my life dyed my hair beyond highlights. I have considered it and am not sure what I'll do as my hair continues to gray. I think you and the women in the photos at the bottom of your post look great! I'm insecure about it because I am overweight, and I think the weight plus the gray might lead me to looking dowdy. I am 40 pounds down over last year with another 40 to go, so maybe the gray will feel more managable when I feel comfortable with my body size? I don't know. Body image, aging, self confidence is all so intertwined. I'm thankful I've been slow to gray so I have some time to really decide what direction I want to go.
One part of going gray I'm looking forward to is having some texture! I have a lot of hair but it is fine and soft and goes flat fast. My gray hair seems like it'll have more movement.
We're about the same age, and my hair looks like it's probably pretty similar to yours, Kristen - darkish brown, mostly fine, and a ton of it. My grays have come in quite coarse, though, so I can now coax some curl/wave out of it with your curly routine!
I home-dyed my hair off and on throughout my late teens and 20s. I typically used semi-/demi-permanent color because I was ALWAYS too lazy to keep up with my roots. When I hit my 30s, I was newly married and in a pretty intense PhD program. I let my hair grow longer because I was cheap/lazy/time-strapped. I dyed it one last time and realized I would need two boxes of dye...and I just never did it again. Too expensive and too much work.
I've been kind of 'lucky' that my gray has come in pretty evenly around my head. I have really started to embrace it, though, because my gray comes in super white and almost looks like I've intentionally highlighted it. Honestly, it makes me feel like it offsets other things that I'm self-conscious about (acne and rosacea in my mid-40s just seems rude). In fact, I just got a compliment from a friend who has dyed her hair for decades. She said, "the silver in your hair is so gorgeous! I'm inspired to start letting mine grow out."
And I agree with you. I really like pushing back on the narrative that graying hair in women is a thing to fear or cover up. I kind of look forward to my hair going more fully gray and becoming a silver vixen (you know, because silver fox / silver vixen...I'll see myself out now).
Girl, I feel you on the acne. I never thought it was possible to be going gray while also still having regular zits, but here we are. Sigh.
Guys: I'M 59, POST MENOPAUSAL AND STILL GET ACNE. Not as much, but: this is one of those "Yo, love, you must be kidding" (copyright Tone Loc) things.
@Rose,
44, still the teenager-like acne, plus I now have super sharp hairs that grow on my chin creating a constant breakout spot as they regrow after I pluck them in frustration. I pluck because they itch and drive me crazy, not because of beauty or anything, but yeah, YFK...
I started finding the occasional white hair in my late teens and began dyeing my hair, at first just because I liked to change the color, but later to also cover grey. After about 20-21 years of dyeing it, when I turned 40, I opted to get a buzz cut and grow it out naturally. It's pure white around my face and salt and pepper elsewhere. 10 years now and I get way more compliments on my hair now than I did when coloring, oddly.
My brown hair started getting silver streaks in it some years ago. When I lost my job, I quit coloring my hair, and had the El Cheapo hair salon stylist just give me a really short haircut. That lopped off the dyed part and left the natural grays. I went to church -- at the time, I was attending a really large church where a lot of "moneyed people," as my mom would call them, belonged -- and several fancy ladies came up to me and asked who colored/styled my hair! LOL! They wanted to go to the same ritzy salon they thought I'd been to. Since then, I only dyed my hair once more, to go to a job fair, but it didn't work and I didn't get hired. And then I had to buy some brown-colored hairspray to disguise the white roots. Shortly afterward, I had to undergo surgery, so I once again had 'em cut it real short and I'm a silver fox again. The one thing I don't like is the underlying dark part is no longer brown but dark gray, which I think is ugly. But I still have large sections of the silvery-white highlights that are really shiny. Oh, and I bought a sign at a thrift store that's in my bathroom. It says "Silver is the new blonde."
@Fru-gal Lisa, I love your sign!
I dyed my hair for a few years, mostly while job hunting, until a stylist accidentally turned auburn into something close to Ronald McDonald red. As soon as I had about an inch of natural roots, I got it all cut off and have not looked back.
Dyeing was honestly not for me as I am very fuss-free about beauty. A clean face with a bit of lipstick and my hair neatly combed are my norm.
I have never dyed my hair or felt the need or want to do that. I consider the gray streaks highlights that I didn't have to pay for. I just cannot see the reason to get into that expensive grind. And by the way, your gray is a beautiful shade of silver.
First, I have to say that I *love* your gray! It's very flattering.
I embraced my gray about 10 years ago (I'm 57 now). The only downside I have experienced is that my hobby is community theater. I get overlooked for many roles, because people can't look past the gray (wigs are a thing, directors!) Even character parts that are my same age, generally get cast with younger actors (or those with dyed hair, anyway).
I won't dye it because I love the way my hair looks (and I get many compliments outside the audition room). I remain hopeful someone will decide skill trumps hair color.
@De,
I have a game changer for you: wear a wig at your audition. I did that once when auditioning for the Pirates of Penzance because I wanted to be cast in a male role, and the director (who knew me) legit did not recognize me. It was so much fun and really helped make the whole audition process feel less horrible. It took all the nerves away because it was like I was playing the role of auditionee number sixteen. 😉
AMEN! Being beauty-routine lazy and cheap, oops, frugal, I completely agree. I haven't had a haircut in 2-3 years, so when I flop the end of my braid over the front of my head, I am SHOCKED by how gray I've become in the past handful of years. With light brown hair, it is a very gradual, almost not noticeable transition.
Very accurate observation about society thinking gray hair equals "old age" and doesn't happen until 70s and 80s because so many women dye their hair until then.
I think instead of people lying downward about their ages, we should lie upward.
So, as a 64 year old, I could say this: "I'll be 75 next birthday."
Then I'd hear this: "OH WOW, you look TERRIFIC!"
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, I actually had a friend who did that, starting in her 20s. She always said she was 10 years older. It took until she hit her 70s for her to start giving her real age.
You are a beautiful person inside and out! Your values and the way you live your life in a fishbowl is so impressive and inspiring. Hair? You have got to be kidding. Aren't people evolved enough to see and accept all the good you offer us? But what really upsets me is the double standard with men. And why do you think that is? Follow the money... Men would not sit in a chair for 3 hrs to have their roots colored for $200 every 3 weeks would they? I let my hair go natural 15 years ago at age 60 and only regret I wasted so much time and money coloring it for 30 years prior to that.
I went to a salon once to get my lightly grayed hair dyed brown and a young girl was getting her brown hair dyed gray. Weird!!
@Mzleah, that is really funny strange and funny ha-ha!
Hi Kristen:
I'm in my early 70s, and I used to go through this expensive process of having my hair colored (weaving 3-4 different shades into my hair to camouflage the grey) until my hairdresser said " I don't know why you are doing this; your grey hair is beautiful! ". That was enough me! So I let it grow out, and frequently receive compliments on it. Not to mention saving $60 a month....
A man can be called a 'Silver Fox.' We need to come up with a female equivalent and start using it on the regular.
@Mo, Barbara Bush's family (and perhaps others) called her The Silver Fox.
Certainly she is a model of finding one's own style and not apologizing for it.
Nancy Pelosi is 84 years old-- How would she look with gray hair? Or Hilary Clinton, age 76?
@Heidi Louise, I thought we weren't judging people for their hair choices?
@Heidi Louise, I noticed Martha Stewart (on a TV commercial) now looks gray rather than blond.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, True-- I think part of her timelessness (if that is what it is) is that she found the right cut and has stayed with it.
I like the gray in your hair. It's very classy and attractive with your dark hair. I have always been blonde naturally, and now that I'm "older" it's more if a dishwater color. I am attempting not to color it because if the expense and hassle to keep up with. Besides, I've earned every gray hair I have, so I'm keeping them.
Good for you, Kristen!
Question: I like you glasses. Where did you purchase those frames? I'm due for new ones.
Thank you. So enjoy your posts.
I have never colored my hair. I am almost 70 and, thanks to my mom's dark hair genes, I am just now starting to get noticeable grays in my brown hair. I don't mind it. Wrinkles bother me more than gray hair. I have been bald from chemo so I have an appreciation for the hair I have, even though it came back lighter brown and more curly than my original hair. I have seen older women with fake looking dyed hair and sometimes bald spots (I assume from too many chemicals) and I wouldn't want to be in that position.
@Ava, female pattern baldness is a thing, sadly.
@Ava, I know someone who had black straight hair and after chemo it came back grey and in ringlets.
I will say, Kristen, that when it comes to beauty treatments, our time frame is about the same. I used to color my hair when I was in my 30's, because it was a horrible dishwater blonde/brown, and I wanted it to be either blonde or dark brown. Since that time of probably using store bought hair color 3 or 4 times, I decided it was ridiculous and too expensive for my very tight budget. I love that hair turns gray, at least, for most people. Some get that beautiful salt and pepper look. Gorgeous. I, on the other hand, might be envied by some because I have only a handful of gray hairs, at best. And, no, I am not in my 30's, 40's,50's or 60's. I am 70 years young. Both my parents and brother and sister have/had gray hair. My hair has gotten consistently darker, as I get older, so maybe, someday, I will have more gray hair too.
Heh, hotbutton issue! 😉
I obviously have no idea what's going to happen with my hair color. At 48, I'm annoyed that it's thinner, finer and more fragile than it was even as a fine-and-thin-haired younger adult. Five kids maybe? Stress maybe? Who knows. No one really knows, if you try to research it.
Two women whose gray-silver-white-whatever hair I love are on Instagram at @newheatie and @thedanabow — goals.
I am going gray at 40. I do not plan to dye my hair because I would let my roots go out AND I suspect I would be allergic to hair dye anyway. In the last five years I have had to stop wearing eye make up because it really irritates my skin and I have had to switch to baby shampoo so I do not think that I would tolerate dye.
One of my eyebrows is going gray which is strange and may be something I try to remedy. or maybe not.
@Rebekah in SoCal,
That actually sounds cool. I think you should rock it.
Covid gave us a chance to see people's real hair, gray or white or whatever, and for that I am thankful. Coloring your hair is an endless process -- except for a few days after coloring, you always have roots; it never turns out the exact same color as it was before; and home color without color treatments always end up a little orange-y. I wish I had never started coloring, back in the day, and now in my seventies it's all gray-ish. Kristin, you're lucky that your grays frame your face in a highlight sort of way! Keep the gray!
I box dyed my hair from age 14-52 and stopped when the Covid pandemic struck and everything (including hair dye) became much harder to access. I'd been considering growing out the dyed hair for a few years prior, but honestly, I LOVED my auburn hair. Loved it. But I also realized it was a difficult color to keep--it faded fast, which required a complete dye job every 4-5 weeks, and it was tough on my scalp. So, I stopped and grew it out and eventually, all of the old color was gone. I'm now left with salt and pepper (heavy on the salt) and it's grown past my shoulders--longer than I've ever had it in my life.
I miss the auburn color terribly, but I don't miss the upkeep of it. Plus, I get a lot of compliments on my current color and my daughter says it's a beautiful color (and I trust her perspective!). Personally, although the comments are nice, I really don't care what others think of my hair or it's color. At the initial process of growing out, I visited a salon to have some of the color cut out and the stylist tried to convince me to not let it go gray. "It'll age you and wash you out," she told me. I laughed and never went back to her. Does it age me? I'm 57 and look good for my age. Does it wash me out? I don't care. It is what it is.
I was never interested in having all those chemicals on my scalp. On top of that I would hate to pay the cost (time and money) of salon dying and home dying would not appeal to me at all. I am "lucky-ish" in the gray hair department. At 65 my hair looks dark from a distance but up close there are definitely silver "highlights".
So...I do get my hair colored, but I get a treatment that blends grays and fades evenly, so I never have visible roots. I also only do it twice a year, so it's not really that expensive, and it's pretty much the only "self care" I engage in.
One thing I will add.... One reason I do it is for my kids. I'm just a year younger than Kristen, but my kids are 5 and 7. One thing I'm discovering as an older mom is that most of my kids' peers have moms who are much younger than I am. I want to spare my kids - for a while - the "Is that your grandma?" questions.
@Lauren,
Oh, man...that question sounds so crappy.
@Becca,
It is crappy. As an older mom myself, I was asked more than once about my "grandson" when my son was younger. I'd say something about "being a late bloomer" but it was always awkward and embarrassing for the person who said something.
Due to having a very petite and slim frame my whole life, I have had the "fortune" of appearing young for a long time. At age 48, I stopped coloring my hair because I felt it was time for to "look more adult". I'm now 58 and I'm still happy with my decision. However, I'm alarmed at the pressure that women often give each other about trying to look as young as possible. When I was in my early 50s, an acquaintance told me, "If you dye your hair, you can tell people that you are 25!" I asked her why on earth would I want people thinking that? Being perceived as young is not always a good thing; younger women, although beautiful, are often treated as they are unknowledgeable and unworldly. Of course young women don't have the benefits of experience, but it's annoying to be treated that way by people who don't realize that you are "older", and oftentimes in their haughtiness, don't realize that are younger than the person they are attempting to disparage.
I felt the "invisibility effect" the minute I stopped coloring and cut my hair very short. I married later in life - 38 and had a child at 40. I was on the single scene for a long time and interacted with men in a very different way. Looks were my currency. I totally get single women and the dilemma. The transition was really helped by my husband who makes me feel super sexy all the time.
When I feel uncomfortable looking at my 60 year old self, I remember how beautiful I thought my 100 year old Grandmother was - lines and all. I want to be that beautiful.
My Mum used to color her hair strawberry blonde until menopause (at 42!) when her hair got so thin that she was afraid to keep dyeing it. I also went through menopause in my early 40s and then had my ovaries, uterus and tubes removed in my 50s. My once thick brown hair is now thin and breaks easily. I'm now 64 and 90% of my hair is bright white and silver, with some charcoal gray in the back. I think the white/silver hair is more flattering to my skin tone and I actually love the color. Young people in their 20s ask me who does my hair color! Even my stylist said people pay "big money" to get hair the color of mine. I do get really annoyed when people - usually women - say that gray hair automatically adds 10 years to your age. Or they call me "brave" for not coloring my hair. I have seen some terrible home dye jobs and you won't convince me that it is more attractive and "youthful" than gray/white/silver hair. I will admit though that I should have taken better care of my skin as the wrinkles age me more than the white hair.
I started going gray in my late 30's and did the dye at home thing. That eventually got to be a hassle so I stopped. My sister started turning white in her 40's and kept dying it until she hit her 60's and then let it go. She would always get what I called "The skunk tail" which was a streak of white at the roots of her hair until she colored it.
I'm glad of my gray and my heritage of the women on my mom's side of the family and the four sisters with gray or gorgeous white hair.
Well, I don't call it gray. In my early 50s (in the early 2000s) my hair was multi-colored with the change toward grays, not because of hair dye. I call it silver and silver is a very precious metal. I actually look better with silver jewelry.
One night back then, my co-workers and I got together after work at the house of one who lived nearby. I fell to peer pressure that night and one of them colored my hair. My daughters did not like it. And I now had to worry about the skunk line. This activity of dying my hair did not last long. I don't have the patience for it.
It goes along with getting my hair cut. I used to go every 8 weeks. The last hairdresser was expensive at that time. Not sure what her charge is today. I liked her. I liked my cut. In today's market that can be very expensive. During the covid experiment, I trimmed my own hair to even and let it grow out. I still am not sure I like the longer hair. I have it trimmed about every 3-4 months.
I too don't do much with my hair now. I wash it 1-2x a week with locally made bar shampoo and conditioner. I would like it to be a little bit longer so that it really pulls up and stays in the ponytail.
I think, if people let their hair go naturally and changed their make up to go along with the aging, it would not appear so drastic as when they stop dyeing/coloring their hair.
Get a nice cut that makes you happy and put on a smile. It will be better for the environment all around.
If you want to try the deep Auburn red, you should go for henna! It’s super cheap (literally $4 for a whole head) and does not change the structure of the hair itself. Just coats it with the henna dye. It’s awesome but also covers grays if you want! I buy it on Amazon.
This hits home. This year I decided to stop dying my hair. My hairdresser and I decided to try one technique of dying the part, so it sort of hides the line for a while, then you flip your part and you’re largely gray. That lasted one appointment and I decided to just let it grow out naturally. I’ve got a period of confidence in myself that I’m okay shedding other people’s expectations of how I’m supposed to look. I don’t live the growing-out process but I’m loving the gray that’s starting to frame my face and interested to see how it’s distributed across all of my hair. Good for you for not even starting the dying process!
Society says Men get distinguished when they age. Where are they? How come I never see any? I guess that's another myth society puts out there. More and more I am seeing good looking Women and some men with grey hair -- and they look great.
The last time I colored my hair, I told the stylist to keep the gray. She covered and protected my gray, and it was a nice contrast to the haircolor I'd chosen. Perfect - a little treat at the salon, and still maintaining me.
This post really speaks to me as I've had a lot of grey/white hair for about 25 years - middle 60's now. Colored my hair for several years both at home & salon but since it was sooo white the roots showed quickly - after about 3 years decided to be happy with what God & genetics gave me. At least I have been getting a senior citizen's discount long before I qualified.
Another subject is thinning hair as a part of aging & stress. Can deal with the white but really don't enjoy scalp shining through. This too is just me and I'm working at coming to grips with not only white but not much of it.
My running partner and I turned fifty in the last year. It felt like such a wonderful milestone! We both have kids in college and beyond. As we grow older together we’ve talked and read a lot about aging intentionally. We’re moving, we’re keeping our minds active and open, and we’re rocking our grays together.
I'm 43. Started to have gray hair about 2 years ago, but I have very few so far. I don't plan on coloring my gray hair anytime soon, for the exact same reasons as you, Kristen.
Also, I've been working with seniors for the past 15 years, so to me gray hair and wrinkles are very much normalized, I don't even see them anymore (on anyone).
Women should be allowed to grow old in peace (no societal pressure), however they see it be. Hubby sees it the same so this helps I'm sure (not having the pressure from a partner to look a certain way).
I don't care one bit what others do to their hairs, and I would be baffled if someone cared about what I do with mine, honestly.
I used to dye my hair and had a horrible allergic reaction when I was 35... I turn 45 in two weeks and haven't dyed my hair in 10 years. It was actually so freeing! The funny thing is, I get compliments on my grey hair ALL. THE. TIME! I teach high school and my students are always shocked when they find out my hair is natural. They always tell me they think I dye it this way "because it suits me". It was difficult to come to grips with at first, but now I'm so glad and I have saved a ton of money by no longer dying my hair.
I appreciate this post because there is just so much pressure in our culture to look young. I didn't even realize how much until I got "older" (I'm 39). My hair is naturally blond so I am not sure if I have any greys, I think I've found a couple here and there, but I suspect I'll slowly go white like my mom. However, I DO have fine lines/wrinkles and do not like them at all. I've even considered botox, like many women my age, but I know it's so bad for you I don't think I will do it. I did get a red light therapy mask and I think it has improved my complexion, although it's too soon to tell if it will reduce the lines. 🙂 Thankfully I work at a company where there's not a lot of pressure to look youthful. I also try to remember (like another commentor said) that it's a privilege to grow old and the people who really matter will love me as I age/look older. Thank you for talking about this!
I agree with you 100% and when asked, I've given all of the answers you wrote. Since I don't dye my hair (I'm 47), I've given myself the permission to spend a little more on better products for my hair, including better tools.
I do minimal beauty routines. My waist length hair displays many natural colors when it is braided and I love every single one of them from the white to the dark brown.
ALL of your reasons resonate with me. But that said, I do dye my hair a few times a year. I'm a DIYer. And I use semi-permanent dye (Natural Instincts). It slowly washes out over time, never leaving roots. It works for me. When I feel like I don't want to be gray, I dye it, and at some point a month or so later, I realize it's mostly back to its natural state. I'm not all gray, but like Kristen, peppered with gray and definite gray along the hairline framing my face.
this is a situation I have given more thought at different times.1- what motivates anyone to actually put their opinions into someone else's business like this ? 2-How do all those aunties and cousins have that gorgeous silver hair but not me ; especially when my own parents and brother are included ?
noproblem DNA wise. haha
Ahhh grey hair. I love mine but it took me years to get to this place. I colored my hair for years, to be blonde/ Strawberry-ish. My mom colored her hair until the end of her life. Her hairdresser used a reverse "frosting" technique pulled thru a cap and colored dark brown.
Both of my sisters color their hair. As I got older I started wearing my hair shorter. I quit coloring because it was pretty "costy" so I quit. At 74 I now have silver white hair and I love it.
dearest kristen, you'd look good in anything. i have been dying my hair since i was 16, i hated my mousy brown color. i am now 70 and still get my hair colored. my family of four lives in a 750 sq ft apt. no air conditioniing, dish washer, or car. our rent includes gas and electric. i am so grateful for what i have.
my stylist moved to Fl and i am so unhappy with my hair. i only color it twice a year. but i get it shaped every 6 to 8 weeks. i was a teen when i read a piece in young miss magazine that your hair is your crowning glory. right now i have a decent cut but the color is awful. and my son's bar mitzvah is less than two weeks away. but it is what it is.
you gotta do what makes you happy. i have always been a contrariian before i even knew the word existed or what the word meant. for what it is worth i never blow dry my hair. i am strictly wash and wear.
i happen to hate the way i look in short hair. when i turned 30 i cut it short and i was so miserable until i grew it back. at least i do not have coke bottle glasses which i had before my cataract surgery at 57.
I hate the way women are expected to adhere to standards no one would ask a man to!! Stay young, stay thin, don't go grey. However, I've faced another hair-related issue. I realized long ago, that my curly hair does not respond well to short styles. I've had it well past my shoulders for a few years now, and it never looked better. I still get comments though like "when are you going to cut it?" As if it's anyone's opinion but mine. Even my own daughter says "you will wear an up-do at my wedding!!" Sadly, women are the worst offenders. 🙁 We need to support each other whatever our choices.
@Donna Wilson, Gay men have been subjected to the same standards for decades.
Oh my- so many posts! I started lightening my ‘dish water color’ hair when I was in HS age16 so no biggie to me to dye/lighten hair. During Covid at the age of 73 I decided no more and went natural. I like the silver look but my back is still more salt and peppery. Such is life! Mom had pretty white hair in her 60s but looks like I’ll never have that color. Both my sisters get highlights every few months- I’m too frugal for that even when I was 50. My sisters are 10 and 20 years younger than I am. Is your mother gray?
My first gray hair appeared when I was 27 and pregnant with my first child. I have a few more now and am choosing to embrace them. My brother and I joke that we will be gray before our mom is because she dyes her hair. My brother is 42 and mostly gray at this point. But my mom is happy dying her hair, so what do I care. 🙂
I'm coming from a totally different perspective. I got a tiny patch of gray when I was twelve. I always thought I'd go gray early. Oddly, that hasn't happened. I'm sixty-six now and have very little gray hair. It's coming, but very slowly.
However, many people just assume I dye my hair, which can lead to weirdness. I've had people ask me who my colorist is, or what color I use. Once someone said, "What's wrong with these people? Why don't they dye their hair like we do?" Uh....
My first career job was with a cosmetics company. My hair, nails and make-up were always perfect. Now, I just can't be bothered. I went to a dressy event last night. When it came time to put on a little mascara, I just said "nah" and went with a freshly scrubbed face, clean hair, and a ten+ year-old dress that I got plenty of compliments on.
Back to hair for a moment: mine has always been stick-straight, the kind that takes a curl easily, but won't hold it. Post menopause, it became wavier and wavier. I read your post about Sonia's curls and decided to lean into my new hair. I bought all the recommended products and I am really enjoying the result. I don't even need to use a blow dryer any more, which makes me very happy.
Thanks, Kristen and Sonia!
I did the home hair dye for a bit. When I decided to stop I had my hair frosted with gray streaks so the growing out process would be less startling. I am now old and the front is a beautiful silver without any help from me at all.
I haven't had my colored since before Christmas and am contemplating just letting it go. I have joined several gray hair Facebook pages, and I cannot believe some of the things people will say. Despite the recent fad of people coloring their hair gray, there seems to be a knee-jerk reaction that gray hair = old. Whether or not they know the person or even gave them a good look, they make a snap judgment that they are old. I don't know what it will take to change that, but change it must. I think I am somewhat discriminated against at my job because I am old enough to be the mother of everyone in my office except one person, and he is much younger than me too. It is not something I ever expected to face, since I judge people on their performance and not their age.
I am starting to get my first grey hairs and while it is freaking me out, I also agree with you. I am reluctant to dye and support a misogynistic beauty standard and I assume my hair would not be happy about it. Also, grey hair does give a woman more authority I think and that could maybe be helpful even. I just wish it had started later...
Isn't it funny how in other cultures being old is a good thing?
Just last week I was waffling back and forth on whether I should dye my hair as usual or now allow myself to embrace my getting older at age 62. Aging is graying, how society looks at my hair at this point in my existence is irrelevant but more how I view myself.
Gray hair runs early in my family; I was getting some in my late teens! I’m Asian so gray hair is also a totally different texture than smooth and straight dark hair, so it tends to spring up and stick out of your part…not a great look. My mom was of the generation of wash and set, and getting colored “kiwi black” (as my husband calls it!) at the salon. I mostly used cheap boxes of haircolor, and switched to semi-permanent color so it would “fade” all over rather than get the dreaded “skunk stripe!” In perimenopause my skin got very sensitive, and any boxes haircolor rinsed out in the shower would give me itchy rashes on my neck, which is super-sensitive, but not my actual scalp. Money wasn’t as tight with the kids grown up, so I started paying for lovely professional coloring.
When we decided to retire early (frugally), we sold everything and did an RV Life adventure…. I decided at age 50 to have my hair bleached an ash blonde and let it grow it gray, as my hair grows very fast anyway. I loved being a blonde, sort of pipe dream to any Asian woman, and my hair grew out—I was expecting all silver, but it was quite dark in the back and undersides of my hair.
This also happened with the trendy look of younger women getting their hair dyed silver, so I was even complimented a few times on “my hair color”, ha-ha. I rocked the mostly silver hair for a few years, after Covid lockdowns we settled down again. Silver hair totally changes your coloring, suddenly you need different colored clothing and even makeup colors so you don’t look “blah”.
When the world opened up again, we made a big decision and decided to retire in Thailand—having never been there before. We actually love it, the Thai food is amazing, but so is all the Japanese and Korean and mostly the Chinese food (I’m picky being Cantonese-American). But my hair really stood out—nobody has gray here unless you are REALLY elderly (or a tourist or a retired expat) and maybe not even then—think about my mom’s generation’s attitude about hair color…. So I gotta say, the peer pressure is real!
Then around last Xmas, I saw a photo a waitress had taken of my husband and I at a hotel holiday brunch…and tho I realize it was just a really bad photo— I was shocked at how old and elderly I looked (age 54)— If I had to take a guess at the age of that woman in the photo, I would have guessed at least 70! Yeek! For my Christmas present I went to a local salon and had my hair dyed a nice “milk tea” ash brown color. It took a few weeks to get used to it again, and I’m back to using semi-permanent color again, which is available in a shampoo-in form extremely cheap and commonplace here. I just make sure to bend over in the shower so the dye solution does run down my neck!
And you’re right—do what right for you and your own hair, and don’t worry about anyone else!
I dyed my hair twice when I was younger; both our children had red hair (a throwback from a great grandmother!) and I thought it would be cool for me to have red hair also. Fortunately both times, I used the stuff that washed out in a few weeks, bc both times my hair turned out purple! So I washed my hair many times for a few days to get it back to the original color.
No more hair coloring for me even if I do have some gray now.
Btw, Kristen, you don’t look or act old and I think younger people with gray hair looks stunning.
What a topic for response? My paternal grandmother had dark, fine hair until she went to nursing home. She got it cut and permed while there and then the grey showed at the sides. My Mom's was brown and she colored it for a long time. Then she became an uneven all over grey. She always wore her hair just to over her ears. And permed. As for me, I "summer blonded" or used "sun-in" in the era of baby oil with iodine suntan lotion. I tanned on purpose and spent summers at the pool or lake while in summer school and one summer as a camp counselor. While in Jr. College, I was in a group photo with one of my guy friends behind me and he asked, "What color is your hair, really?" Oops...I had been a towhead as a child and the color gradually darkened to dishwater blonde. I do not color my hair at all. But I routinely get it permed otherwise. Last summer, after using a great shampoo and conditioner, with possibly the added bonus of my thyroid being in balance, my thin hair was so much healthier and thicker, that I grew it out to just past shoulder length and it felt great. I have a random grey hair here and there but no streaks,
Then something went off balance during the winter, and it started thinning, so this spring, I had it cut chin length and had it permed, If I do not have a perm, it appears very thin, and I do not think the "mousy" look very flattering,.
I got tired of coloring my hair some years ago and let it go gray. It grew in positively beautiful. I went from being that person who never got a compliment on my hair to the person who gets compliments all the time about it. Wish I had let it go gray sooner. I wear it proudly!
I think what has helped me is that I have many, many scars on my body for various life saving surgeries, so a) I am so glad to be alive (especially when my brother died in infancy from our inherited birth defect) that my age is an achievement, and b) dying my hair to look younger would not make my scarred up body canvass look any younger or better. (I am not opposed to dying my hair. In college, when it was NOT at all normal, I wore bright green hair for a year. I just loved the color. I should add that I had no dates, not one, that year.)
It also helps that the husband, whose horrific bout with cancer left him with scars that have made people literally gasp when he takes off his shirt to swim because his chest and back are deeply marred, went gray about the time he had cancer, so 28. Really, with our scars we look like two badly abused rag dolls. Although I think of us as warriors, still here despite the odds.
I got my first gray hair at 21. By my mid-thirties, I had “$100.00” of hair salon treatment(s) in my hair naturally! By my 50’s, it was mostly white. My family loved it because they could always find me in a crowd. I knew my white hair was a genetic gift from my grandmother who’d died before I was born, so I loved the connection with her.
My mother, though, hated my hair! She was constantly after me to dye it. Needless to say, even in my 50’s, I rebelled! She ended up in the hospital after a stroke. I was on one side of the bed, the nurse on the other. As we were tending to my Mom, the nurse casually complimented me on how beautiful my hair was. It took all my inward self to not rub this in to my mother. Her situation, fortunately, kept me from mouthing off and I simply thanked the nurse … with a huge smile on my face!
Now, I blend in (70’s). I get so many compliments, which is nice (it doesn’t go to my head … LOL). I do wish it weren’t so thin, but alas, it is; and, fine. Even with white hair, I still look younger than I am and it compliments my complexion and clothing choices very well.
I’ve never regretted choosing the natural path, although I did dye my hair when I was young to even out the ash blondness. It’s saved me a lot of money and time. For me, my white hair is a defining characteristic.
It will be fun to read all of the comments!
I’ve noticed the grey hairs coming in the last couple of years and made the decision to stop dying my hair. Part of it is the cost, but mostly it’s acceptance that it’s going to happen and I don’t want to waste energy fighting it. I’m nearly 35 now and very happy with what I call my streaks of starlight.
Keep in mind that your hair looks very pretty with the grey. Unfortunately my grey hair comes in very coarse and wirery! I only have the use of my non-dominate hand due to a stroke so I cover the grey to coat the hair cuticle and make my hair manageable! I wish that I had pretty grey hair!
I used to dye my hair. I used a combination of at home and going to a beauty school to try to keep costs down. Then I went through a cancer journey and lost all my hair. When my hair was growing back, there was much more gray. I must admit that I did dye it a few times as it was growing back, but quickly realized that I was so grateful just to HAVE hair that I really didn't care about the color any more!
A few years ago, (when the younger women were actually trying to have silver / gray hair!) I was getting a trim, and another stylist approached mine and asked how she had so naturally spaced my "highlights". My stylist just told her that my highlights were what God gave me. 🙂
Every once in a while, I consider if I would look younger with less gray. Then I think about how not every person is blessed to get old enough to go gray. That, and the financial cost involved usually nixes my vanity tendencies.
I had a small white streak by the time I was 40 and loved it. I used to color my hair when I was younger and my naturally blond hair had darkened to dirty blond, but it was too much trouble to keep that up, especially after a home job turned my hair green. So I just let it do whatever it wanted to.
When my (then 13 year old) daughter asked why I didn't color my gray, I told her it wasn't there before she was born, and that was my story. Actually, as someone who well into my 40s looked younger than my age, I felt the gray gave me a bit of credibility. lol
So the gray hair pressure goes both ways. I colored my hair when I worked because of the industry I worked in. If I looked older then the young jerks that just graduated they figured I knew nothing about technology. Being a woman in the tech industry was hard enough without them thinking me old enough to be their grandmother, which I was. They forgot I helped build the stuff they were now learning. I figured I would stop coloring when I retired. But then I had a few doctors appointments and I observed how some of the folks that looked their age were treated compared to me who didn’t look 70 because my hair was not gray. I actually didn’t have a lot of gray at the time. I have always had less than my oldest daughter who was completely gray before she turned 40 and started going gray at 16. Now I am thinking I would like to stop coloring but love the feel of my hair after a day at the salon. Now I am getting ask by acquaintances on why I don’t have gray hair like most people around me. So far I am telling them I am unwilling to give up the luxury, which is true. But also I remember my mother’s ugly yellowish gray hair that she then dyed with stuff that turned her hair a bluish purple. My mother hated her gray hair color. She did not have the nice white gray my grandmother had. I fear my hair will look like my mother’s hair. And truth be told it really was a terrible color And made her skin look awful. The blue hair was better.
@Nancy H, Are you saying you were or were not taken seriously as a patient because you didn't look as old as you were?
Thanks for this post. I dyed my hair many years, starting in my 2os to cover grays. Eventually I decided to stop, maybe 7 years ago? My reasons were similar to yours:
1. I didn't want to go through the grow out process (or dye it all white, low-lights, high-lights, or any of those other methods to help the process). So I decided to grow it out while there wasn't too much of a contrast.
2. I like saving some time (although I did it at home and only every 2-3 months, so it wasn't that bad).
3. It saves money (again, I bought cheap dye and did it at home, so the savings wasn't much).
4. It saved suitcase space. We live overseas most of the time, and I often took my hair dye with me, now when I pack, I have the precious luggage space for other things.
Benefits now that I'm dye free:
1. I think my hair is healthier, it seems like I loose less hair, although I can't prove it.
2. I feel more natural.
One thought that my sister-in-law told me, that really helped me. She said I could try it and always dye it back if I changed my mind. That kept me going....ironically it's what keeps me from dying it agian, because it'd take months or years to grow it back out.
I do sometimes think about dyeing again, but for the most part, I'm happy with it.
And I second getting on a facebook group!
My hair is graying almost exactly like yours, Kristen! I think the same thing about being stubborn about coloring. I’ve raised a teenage girl and earned every one of these gray hairs…lol. Besides, my husband started going gray at 30, so I’m just catching up at 52!
My Mama is 87 and completely gray. She will occasionally say she wants to dye her hair. My response is "Your hair color is beautiful! Girls pay top dollar and destroy their hair trying to achieve the color your hair is naturally!" Then she gets all proud of her grays and is so happy. That trend may be phasing out, but there was a period of time that some women really were paying ridiculous amounts to have gray hair. Google it!
Yes! I started coloring my hair to hide grays when I was in my late 20s. I’m now 57, and I stopped coloring it during the lockdown. I dreaded coloring it every month, and once I did color it, my roots would start to show within a week. Now that my hair is mostly white, it looks somewhat blond because I don’t use a clarifying shampoo. It has a buildup of minerals, chemicals, and probably pollution. I also started cutting it myself during the lockdown and haven’t stopped. It’s well past my shoulders, and I wear it up in a clip most days. I love it! Students at school tell me I look too young to have white hair, lol. A young woman said my hair was “beautiful” the other day. Age is a state of mind!
I started doing color in my late 30’s as I was pretty salt and pepper. My husband begged me NOT TO! My son who was a teen thought the gray made me look “old.” I started doing L Oreal out of a box and for years the medium brown looked ok. But yes, as more silver came in, the ROOTS became a shiny avenue on the top of my head and I had to start coloring more and more oftenOver time, as I got older, the brown no longer suited my skin tone.It was a MESS to STOP COLORING!! I cut it short. Took a whole year to get some hair back and let the silver come out and now I love it like crazy!! Love the freedom too! No more coloring messes in my shower. No more expense, and natural looks soo much softer than the dyed color looked.Even the few times I had it done professionally, it was just too dark. Mother Nature really knows best! It is a STRUGGLE to grow out once you start!!!
I don't care if you judge me for dying my hair or not. For years, I've had my hair high-lighted - by my hairdresser as this girl does NOT mess with color nor take scissors to her head. You probably don't remember Sun-In and Sunlight, you'll be blonder tonight. Yeah, the stuff was pretty much just peroxide. My hair lightens *really* fast - the first time my hairdresser did highlights, it was more color the white in my hair. The concoctions of bleaching agent could be on my hair no longer than the time it took to smoke a cigarette.
I'm over 60 and still don't have much gray. And some mineral in well water lightens my hair. Hairdresser takes that into consideration too.
Some gray/shades of gray is more aesthetically pleasing than others. Some are lucky to end up pure white (my grandpa did, my dad not quite like his dad). Better half tells me it won't bother him if I don't color my hair. I do it for me and no one else. And with most legal things in life, others can suck it up and deal with it. They don't get a vote.
Another hot topic - how often you shave your legs and armpits. Or even bikini line. Like I said, personal choice.
I also only color twice, *maybe* three times a year at most. Conversely get it cut every five weeks even if I decide to grow it out a bit. It grows fast and I can only stand so much bangs in my eyes.
I've never dyed my hair. When it first started to go grey, I decided to call it my "highlights". Now it's mostly grey, but still about 30% mousey brown. I'm looking forward to turning all white, I think it's going to look great.
I never felt the need for support about this. It's me and it's natural. I'm not vain about it (other than to feel a little sad that I'm aging).
I have challenging hair --curly but difficult style, and don't want to add coloring and root issues to it. The time and the money to dye professionally is insane, and I have a degree of chemical sensitivity, so I don't need to add hair dyes to my sensitive system. It's difficult enough to sit in a salon for long because of all the chemicals, and I have to constantly remind them not to use any products on me other than shampoo, conditioner and water. As soon as I get home, I have to shower to get rid of all the fragrances from just those things.
When my haircutter of many years died, I spent years getting my hair cut at "chop shops"--chain places with discount coupons. Sometimes my hair was OK, sometimes it was not. I got tired of that and tried a stylist who was supposedly very good with curly hair but she charged about double a chop shop with no better results, and spent part of the time during my haircuts on her phone. Ugh!
I went back to the chop shop, and one person was GREAT with my hair. I started calling before I went to make sure she was there, and one time when I called the person who answered the phone said she had moved to another place and--thankfully--told me where. So now I drive about 15 miles each and pay a LOT for a haircut, but they are the best haircuts I've ever had in my life. I figure after all those years I got by so cheaply make up for the expense now. I try to space them out about 6 weeks, and this is one indulgence that is totally worth it.
I think women who wear their hair naturally grey are self-confident and powerful. I hate that society tries to convince women otherwise.
In order to make my grey hair more attractive, I highlight the grey!!! Aging is part of life. I'm going to continue to enjoy taking care of myself while I can, including makeup. Nothing I do will say this 73 year old body is 45. And I wouldn't want that anyway.
I wonder if the reader gets comments against her gray hair because she does dye it & people comment on the roots showing? Just a thought. I think it takes a lot of courage & discipline to grow out your gray after dyeing for years.
I'm in the group who has never dyed my hair. I'm 58 & pretty white at this point but still have some dark hair in the back. My reasons...1 - my mother dyed her hair & I hated it. It embarrassed me & I never wanted my hair to look like that. Once she stopped dyeing it, her natural, gorgeous pure white hair was stunning. I look a lot like her & that's what I hope for my hair. 2 - I hate going to the salon (my husband actually cuts my hair nowadays) & hate spending the money at a salon. to me it's a splurge that I just don't enjoy.
Sometimes I miss my dark hair just like sometimes I miss my young body but I am 58, I am a grandmother & I have white hair. It's who I am. I've never really worried about what other people think of it except for my husband & son. But I've never, ever had someone tell me that I should cover my gray. I've only had people tell me never to cover it. When I used to go to the salon, the stylist always told me that she had customers pay to have their hair look like mine & always encouraged me to keep it natural. So I guess I got the lucky good hair genes.
Kristen, such a great way to approach it. It’s ok to just accept it, you don’t have to love it.
I’m 57 and I’m seeing more random grays in my hair. I typically say to myself, “I’m grateful to live to this stage, as others haven’t been fortunate to live to the gray hair stage”
Some people just really hate the way it looks on them. Each should do what makes them happy!
'm right there with you on your reasons for not dyeing your grays away!
My biggest reason is that I know if I start, that I will be "forced" to continue if I don't want my roots to shout loudly that "she dyes her hair!"
I also don't like the cost or the way it damages my hair.
All that said, I have on occasion gotten highlights to camouflage my gray, but I think I'm done with that too...for now anyway!
I quit coloring my hair in 2020. I was working from home and frankly I was just tired of messing with it. It’s totally grown out now and I do like the color. It turned out to be a lot less gray than I was expecting!
My natural hair color is red and I started to get various shades of grey, rose, and white hair since my 20’s. Now in my mid 50’s I still have red hair but it has evolved into a deeper range of colors with rose winning at the roots. The biggest motivator to not cover my various tones of grey was for my daughters. Where we live, they are surrounded with no sense of age. One time when they were young we travelled out of state. They looked at the local people and asked why everyone looked so old. This reinforced my choice to show that aging is not unusual. By allowing them to see me age at a natural progression, my hope is they will cherish all the years they live as they age. Every stage of life is worth living if you are lucky enough. Let’s celebrate all of them.
I coloured my hair for 20 years to hide gray hair. I got tired of the maintenance and the white roots. For my 50th birthday I gave myself the gift of not colouring my hair any more. It's been almost 10 years and I haven't once regretted it.
Last year, I did get some sea foam green highlights put in just for fun though. 🙂
I quit dying my hair in my 50s. It was so freeing from the cost, time and mess. I quit coloring mainly because I just didn't think putting that toxic goop on my scalp once a month could be healthy.
I've never looked back. I'm 71 now. I still know many women my age that are still coloring. I think by the time you get to this age no matter what color dye you put on your hair it looks very fake and does not match aging skin. That applies to older men who dye their hair too!
But each to their own.....
Haha, yes, I always smile fondly when I see elderly people in my nursing rotations, sporting their dyed hair. The hair color does not match the rest of their appearance, but I think it's sort of cute that they feel youthful with it dyed.
@Becky, Classic scene from the Mary Tyler Moore show: News anchor Ted Baxter, who had a full silver head of hair, was using a weekly comb-in hair dye, (was this the Grecian Formula era?), to slowly and "naturally" darken his hair. Mr. Grant, irritable as always, saw him for the first time in a few weeks and said, "Ted, You shouldn't wear those cheap felt hats in the rain. They melt."
I stopped with coloring/highlighting my hair with covid. I have thick hair (I am so thankful for that) and it was not a cheap investment. So when you could not go to a stylist or salon I just decided to stop. I have blondish brown hair and the gray is noticeable to me, but others say it is just blended in. I am fine with it.
My mother colored her hair until my father passed. She let it gradually go gray. She said it saved her quite a bit of money.
It is a part of accepting your self and how things are in the process of aging.
I agree with you, Kristen, and add another (slightly defiant) comment: I have earned every one of my white hairs. Why should I look like a kid when I am a mature woman? There is a fine line in appearances between looking one's best and looking like one is trying to be something she is not. We have all seen women who try too hard; it looks artificial and uncomfortable, sometimes downright painful. I have also come to the conclusion that even though humans are visual creatures, and we take in visual information quickly to form judgments, the men I am interested in have learned to pause the judgment and allow for the fact that appearances are not everything. This enormous beauty effort aimed at the opposite sex skews to please near-pedophiles. Many fashion models are too young to represent attractive options to a woman with breasts, hips, and a tummy. For much of my adult life, I looked younger than I was, and it cost me work promotions. Even so, I hope there is a new culture of dignity and honesty for women. Our goal should be to look our personal healthy best, and it does not take away the joy in beautiful clothes (one of the reasons I sew), a bit of makeup (good for the skin), and jewelry (which my husband enjoys). I am happy with a good haircut, healthy skin (hello good cooking), good teeth, and feet I can walk on.
As a woman who has had white hair for many years, I want to point out, your hair is turning WHITE! not gray! I enjoy my white hair and I get lots of compliments about my hair, even from total strangers in stores! I never considered coloring my hair when the white started appearing. I don't have the time, patience and would rather spend my money on more important things.
I think you hit on the most important thing with any beauty habits for us women to think about, and that is: am I happy with my reasons for doing this? It is very tough to let go of societal standards, but women need to focus on doing things because they make us happy, not because we think we are expected to!
I think your gray hair looks great! I am dying my hair right now, not because I am starting to get a few grays, but because I had always wanted to try purple in my hair.
I decided to let my hair be it's natural color, quite silver, when I was 47. I couldn't believe the shock, horror, and general bother over me and my hair. It's my hair! And I actually like it this way. I think the most telling comments I received referred to how "brave" I was being by letting my hair be gray. That broke my heart. When we as women are so sincerely afraid to show aging that we think women who have gray hair are "brave." My next goal... no more bras... That aught to get some comments 😉
2 thoughts popped into my head reading this post. I am a natural redhead to natural white/blonde as of 5 years ago. Aged 60 now.
1. All the images of grey haired women show them with long hair.
2. Women over a certain age mostly have short hair.
I have found I look younger even though I have white hair because it is very long. I suspect cutting it short will age me but free up a lot of time. :). Ugh.
I have colored my hair when I was a teenager to great horror of my family. I was going with purple and blue ,all those crazy colors in the late 1970, but everyone said my natural color was terrible. When I got married, I covered my hair with a wig for a long time and now 60+ , still married, I wear my hair long and in my natural color, red. When I was young red hair was ugly, stupid and bad, now almost no grey , still red and now in fashion ( people assume I color my hair or wear a good quality wig) . But making yourself free, of pressure and expectations can take a while.
I colored my hair for about 15 years starting in my late 30's. Have not colored since. I have some gray, mostly mousy brown (64 years old tomorrow). I suspect I will end up silver like my older brothers. The only part I hate about gray hair is it's brittle and it tends to have a mind of its own, thus the need for mousse or hair spray. I am at the age where I don't care what people think of my gray hair. 🙂
We live in such a silly world !! 20 yrs ago I lost 2 friends to cancer .. young mothers in their early 30’s. We should all be allowed to grow old .. wrinkly , grey , saggy and all .I have very white hair and I miss my friends every single day .. I am blessed with life and all that life brings .. so we must age to be here .
There is a little town in the Bay Area/Silicon Valley, called Los Gatos. Los Gatos has a hair salon that charges $1500 for a cut and color. I am not kidding.
That's such a funny name for such a pricey place...it means The Cats. lol
At a high school reunion someone asked me why I wasn't dying my hair. I looked around and saw everyone else was. I was surprised at her nerve and mumbled something. I really don't think it's anyone's business why we do or don't dye our hair.
Like you, Some days I like my gray and some days I miss my dark brown but all in all, I don't see me ever spending loads of money on dying and trying to keep up with it! I can't even keep up with haircuts! My daughter called it my "shiny" hair when she was little! Yes, I was gray when she was little as I had her when I was 42! I feel I've earned it and actually get some compliments on my gray when I do my hair well!
Dying your hair is a very expensive, chemically-intense/dangerous process that accumulates and damages your hair. Buying into the myth (and it is totally a myth!) that you will somehow recover your youthful hair and appearance by dying is a sales gimmick. Your hair still becomes thinner and more fragile. NO hair dye can replicate your natural, varied colors as a teen. And the REST of you still continues to change! We’ve all seen very old women with jet-black dye jobs. They look scary and ridiculous. Don’t be that person.
I am 58. I am a working professional in a man's world (aren't we all). I started coloring my hair in my 30s - not due to grey hair, but because I loved the variety. The older I got, the longer it took for the color to take and the quicker I had to color my roots. 3 hours each time. I got tired of that and decided to go natural. It had been so long that I really didn't know what it would look like. I have really short hair and love it that way because of the heat I work in. It grew out quickly and I LOVE IT! It is a beautiful pepper and salt. I get a lot nice comments on it and people ask who colors my hair so they can get the same effect.
Like you, I don't like the cost of dying and if it takes more than 15 minutes, I don't want to mess with it. I think it is a personal choice and I don't care what other folks think about my hair.
As someone who is just starting to get her first gray hairs, this really inspired me! You reminded me: I remember telling my mom that I liked her gray hair when she was about 50 and dyeing it all the time, and she grew it out after that and gets so many compliments now. Her hair is super healthy and looks great! Setting aside my own thoughts on possibly dyeing at this point because I agree with all the things you and others in this thread have said 🙂
Thank you for writing this blog post! It took me a while to read through all of the comments and it has totally made me feel so much better about my grays. I think finding the right stylist that can walk through this with you is helpful. I haven't found that yet, but I am on the lookout! Thank you for all of your wisdom and insight! Thankful for this sweet community!
I quit dying my hair a couple years ago and now I am just letting the part that still has color grow out. My natural hair color is now a mixture of different shades. I have my husband trim my long hair every couple months and I still have a few inches on the bottom that was colored. I told him that he could cut off all the remaining color, but he said he likes it long, so it will probably be another year before all of the color is gone. My younger sister is still coloring her hair, she said that she would feel like an old biddy if she let her hair go gray. She is still working as a massage therapist and she feels like it makes her look younger.
I love this! The women in my family have all started going grey by age 30... I am nearly 25 so starting to think about whether I will dye it or not. I am leaning towards embracing it and growing it out. To look younger, I may end up dying the tips light pink or a fun color which is cool but does not require the upkeep that dyed roots require. We shall see, but I love seeing grey hair represented (especially among younger women such as Liz Kamarul, an interior designer https://www.lizkamarul.com/blog).
So, I dyed my hair for a while. I don’t exactly know when I started, but my daughters were young. Maybe around kindergarten and 1st grade. So circa 2000-01-ish. After bouts of feeling tired all the time, I discovered I was hypothyroid. I didn’t have a lot of gray, but I felt like I needed a “pick me up” so I started dying my hair.
Fast forward to the beginning of COVID. My hair grows super fast, so my roots show super quick. It was a lot of time and money to go to the salon every 4-6 weeks. In addition, my orthopedists office and other doctors, said I seemed to have a lot of inflammation in my body, and to try and cut toxins out of my life. So, in addition to my diet, I decided to cut hair dye. And Covid was an easy time to let dye grow out and gray come in,
I do have some of the lovely look of salt and pepper that my dad had. But, I’ve been toying with the idea of coloring it again, with a safer more natural dye.
I can honestly say, I get mixed reactions and opinions. Oh it ages you. You used to look so young. OR, wow, I love your gray hair. You look great. I do feel that I get treated differently in certain situations.
Anyway, I’m really trying to embrace it, and just go with it. I, like the author, am frugal. I’ve found found someone local that would color it for around $100, natural dye, whatever that means. But I’d be going every 4/6 weeks, no doubt. I just have other things I’d rather spend my money on. And I just turned 60! So, like why?
Im hoping I have the strength to avoid going that route. I am what I . You don’t like it? Then maybe we won’t be friends. I despise the Botox, face-lift, lip plumping mania. So I felt like getting my hair colored is similar. I’m growing older, and that’s ok. I look at some of my friends and they look amazing! Yes, the color their hair. So then I wonder, maybe I should start coloring again. But then I remember the commitment, the time, and the money. (Trust me, I’ve done my roots nyself, it’s not the same as the pros.)
I am what I am, take it or leave it.