"The fun is built into the struggle."
As I was walking (in the woods of course) and listening to a How to Money podcast the other day (at least I THINK that's what podcast it was!), one of the hosts was talking about how when he was a kid, a friend got an unlimited lives cheat code to Super Mario.
At first, they thought this was going to be super awesome, but as it turned out, having unlimited lives actually made the game less fun. The challenge was gone!
The podcaster said, "The fun is built into the struggle."...or in other words, the struggle is part of what makes this fun.
Maybe "challenge" is a better word than "struggle", but either way, I think this idea does hold true.
As I pondered this concept, I thought about how no one likes having financial difficulties, and then I tried to imagine what it would be like to have none.
The first thing that came to me was the aristocrats of old; people with so much money that they didn't need to work or cook or do their hair or dress themselves or clean/maintain anything.
I'm not a historian, but I know I have read many books that mention the boredom and lack of purpose that comes with this type of lifestyle.
Obviously, too much struggle isn't good for a person (I think of the impoverished working-class people that were contemporaries of the aristocrats!), but I do think that a certain amount of struggle/challenge might be good for human beings.
Well-handled struggles = satisfaction
I have faced a lot of challenges in the last year.
And while I certainly would not have nominated this path for an "Ideal Route for Kristen's Life" award (!!), I do find a certain amount of satisfaction in how I have navigated the struggles, financial and otherwise.
When I move through my day in my house, using my second-hand furniture, my abandoned house treasures, my Buy Nothing group finds, and my Facebook Marketplace finds, it just feels so gratifying.
Would it have been easier if I was able to just go out and buy all brand-new stuff? Sure.
But I think the struggle (outfitting my house on a budget) is precisely what makes it so satisfying.
And I see how this is true in other areas of life.
For instance, some of the classes I've taken in college have been pretty hard. But the difficulty is exactly what makes a final A grade so fulfilling.
Difficult piano pieces take a long time to learn and master, but when I can finally play a hard piece well, that's way more satisfying than playing a simple piece well.
If I can play a piece almost flawlessly my first time through, I usually am not going to come back to that piece. It's boring if it's too easy!
But a challenging piece will keep me coming back to work on it, for the hard-fought reward of playing it smoothly.
Ok, so what?
This "struggles are good" realization doesn't do much for me practically speaking; I am not about to go out to find ways to add more struggles to my life!
BUT.
Whether I like it or not, life is going to hand me struggles.
And if I can recognize that the struggles do add a certain amount of satisfaction and fulfillment to my life, then that can change my attitude about the struggles.
Plus, as I mentioned earlier, it helps my attitude if I do a word switch, swapping "challenge" for "struggle".
Challenge feels a little more hopeful to me!
Being a single mom is a struggle. OR I could say that being a single mom is challenging.
Navigating a divorce is a struggle. OR navigating a divorce is challenging.
Recovering from a hard marriage is a struggle.
OR it's a challenge.
Starting over in mid-life is a struggle.
OR it's challenging.
Nursing school is gonna be a struggle.
OR it's gonna be challenging.
Living on a single income is gonna be a struggle.
OR it's going to be a rewarding challenge!
So I'm trying to remind myself: navigating these circumstances is going to be very fulfilling; I'm gonna feel such a sense of satisfaction on the other side.
And in a weird way, these challenges are going to make my life richer.
(Now I just need to remember all this on the very hard days!)
What do you think? I'd love to hear!
P.S. If you've read all my other posts, you already know this. But in case you're new: I also think that it is just fine to sit with feelings of sadness, grief, and anger when you are in tough circumstances. Sometimes you need to sit on the floor and sob, and sometimes you need to reframe struggles as challenges. Both are valid and necessary!
Beautiful and wise post Kristen!
Posts like this and the attitude they convey are exactly the reasons why I love coming back to your blog and the community you created.
Thank you so much
Yep. But you know what? I'll bet you do seek out challenges (just not the big life challenges). A puzzle? A new career? Finding the least expensive option? Playing any game? Reading a difficult book?
Now I just need to reframe my facial palsy recovery that way 😉 Sometimes it's not easy when you can't be certain that hard work=positive outcome.
@Jody S., and we also have to face the fact that sometimes, no matter what we do, there is no positive outcome.
@Anne, this part stinks. One can do all things rightly but still not see the desired outcome.
Nodding so hard here.
This summer I visited a church, and the pastor said, "Ladies, I guarantee you that if you respect and honor your husband, he will move down the path toward becoming who God wants him to be."
And I was like, "WHATTTT???"
We can sometimes influence others by our behavior, but there is seriously no guarantee that good, kind behavior on our part will change someone else. Literally the only person we can control is ourselves.
I really, really take issue with the idea that if women would just be the right kind of wife or the right kind of mom, then their husbands and children will magically be wonderful.
@Jody S., Kristen, I'm sorry that you had to hear that. I think sometimes when I see somebody complain and complain about spouse and/or children (especially in their hearing), "Hm. Maybe you would have a better relationship if you respected your loved ones more."
BUT. There is a difference between that and being responsible entirely for somebody else's behavior. Those of us who are Christians acknowledge that because sin is in the world, there are no perfect people. And sometimes no good outcome on earth. Sigh. I'm still working on my attitude.
Oh yes, I am totally down with the idea that treating loved ones respectfully is essential for a good relationship.
I just take issue with putting such a guarantee on results! No matter how much you love and respect someone, if they are not a healthy person, they're never going to become one based on your behavior.
@Jody S., Actually to Kristen (but why can't I reply to you?) Anyway, yes. I am trying to teach my teenagers that you can't "fix" people. I do have a few children who I think tend to want to be superheroes that way, and I want them to have realistic expectations. You can be somebody's friend, be a good listener, be a respectful friend-- but you can't fix them or their problems.
@Jody S., To Kristen: I wonder how old that pastor was?? I once had an older gentlemen in church want to give me a calling, but he started by asking my husband first (in front of me)! I was like, whoa, wait up, I'm standing right here. And then when I declined (he did this out in the open too, not behind closed doors like it should have been), he got very firm and asked me if there was something keeping me from accepting the calling (as in, was I being immoral?). Ah, no. I just didn't want the job. I feel there was such a generation gap there (I was in my early 20s at the time) that he didn't have a clue why I was even offended. Idk. I moved on from that church, that was definitely the catalyst.
This pastor was actually younger than me. Sigh.
It’s why you’ll come out on the other side better than most. You have a can do attitude even in the midst of hard times. I’m glad to be invited along for the ride and am thankful that you continue a blog that I enjoy so much.
My late husband used to say "its a great life, if you don't weaken". The challenge/struggle can sometimes wear you down to the point that you feel more beaten down, but I get what you are saying. A prolonged challenge is not fun. But it is also true that when you overcome a particularly challenging time, or when you manage to thrive instead of just survive, it does feel empowering. At least that's what I'm going with. Hoping to get to the sunny days without weakening.
@gina,
A prolonged challenge is indeed NOT fun. But managing it, navigating through, yes, you are right, it can be very empowering. We need to remind ourselves of that and give ourselves credit for what we do handle.
My husband passed away last week. I'm 57. I keep thinking "this wasn't the plan." I'm heartbroken for my kids and myself. Thanks for giving me a glimmer of hope with your encouraging words, Kristen.
@BJS, My thoughts and prayers are with you. So sorry for your loss
Oh no. I am so so very sorry, friend. Sending you so much love. And may I say that I think you are MORE than entitled to feeling heartbroken and full of grief. This is a terribly hard loss.
@BJS, I am so sorry, sending you hugs and prayers!
@BJS, I’m so sorry. Hugs to you.
@BJS, I'm so, so sorry. I know that feeling. "This wasn't how life is supposed to be."
---Other Rose
@BJS, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you feel that is is a forum in which you can let your hair down and share the hard things with us.
@BJS, I add my sympathy. I'm another member of the "this wasn't the plan" club, just in a different way. But The FG is one place where all of us can join hands in support. I'll keep you in my thoughts during the coming days.
Yes. So many ways for life to not go to plan, and I love that we can all support each other, no matter the flavor of "not according to plan".
@BJS, I'm so very sorry and I'm praying for you - much love.
@BJS, I'm so sorry. I've said this here before to other people who have experienced loss, and I'll say it again: I wish you gentle passage through this difficult time.
@BJS, I’m so very sorry for your loss of your husband.
@BJS, Sending sincere sympathy for your loss. Two other bloggers near your age recently lost their husbands, you might want to check out their blogs:
http://newframereference.blogspot.com/?m=1
http://outmywindowtoday.blogspot.com/?m=1
@BJS,
I'm so sorry! May you and your family be surrounded by support and love.
@DCO, I am so saddened to hear of your husband's passing. My heart goes out to you and your family.
@BJS, I'm so very sorry this has happened in your life. I will be holding you close to my heart as you grieve.
@BJS,
May your husband’s memory be a blessing. I’m so sorry.
@BJS, I am so sorry for your loss.
@BJS, I was devastated to read your first sentence. I wis you many glimmers of hope and will keep you in my heart in the next weeks. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your family.
@BJS,
Wishing you strength and support-
@BJS,
Wrapping you a big warm hug. I was there 2 yrs ago when my best friend and life partner of 30 years died unexpectedly at 55 yo. I don't remember much about year one, but this year I have found beauty, hope and encouragement everywhere. The encouragement was probably there, in that first year, but I don't remember much.
The only take away that I can give you is grace. Grace of time, grace of unexpected flowing memories (some people call them tears...) grace of letting it be okay that you are unable to reach out, but will in your own timeline.
@BJS, I was 49 when my husband passed away suddenly. My girls were both teenagers. I loved him, but it wasn't an easy marriage. I'm only now realizing how my attitude affected us all those first couple of years. And I'm very grateful for the grace my girls give me now, because I really feel like I screwed up. Sit and sob when you need to, because it's hard and the unknown can be overwhelming. It was so disorienting that the rest of life just kept going along around me like nothing had happened. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
@BJS, My deepest sympathies. Grief is the challenge we would all rather not face, but it is inevitable. Sending all the loving-kindness I have to you.
@BJS,
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you strength, love and peace on this difficult journey.
@BJS, I am so very sorry to hear this.
@BJS, condolences on your profound loss.
@BJS, you can still have hope, yes, but its ok to acknowledge that this particular challenge is life changing and beyond terrible and I feel you. Sending love your way down this unplanned path.
To each and every person who commented and sent condolences - thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Your warmth, kindness, and encouragement mean more to me than I can express. It's been said here before but it's so true ... this online community that you've built, Kristen, is like no other.
Thank you again. ❤️
@BJS, Prayers for you and your family. So sorry for your loss.
@BJS, I’ve never posted before but your message spoke to my heart. So sorry for your great loss. I know well your pain. I lost my husband of 57 years Oct. 3, 2023. Met in 4th grade, high school sweethearts and everyday now is a struggle and challenge. They say things get easier and I’m awaiting that. Give yourself grace and space, don’t fight tears when they come and don’t be afraid of leaning on others for help. Faith is a great help. You’ll be in my prayers.
@BJS, I am so sorry for all u !& your file r going through !higs
@BJS, Grief is a different animal in that it does not leave. You do not overcome it, but after being a widow for almost eleven years I can tell you it does get better. I hope you will roll with your grief. It is perfectly okay to sit and cry, question, seek answers. Be thankful for the life he lived, the children you have and remember that his heart stopped beating and yours is still strong. Give yourself time because that is where the healing happens.
God bless you on this journey. You are not alone.
@BJS, lived through similar situation Al ost five years ago. I’m here and doing OK. Just wanted to tell you that.
I'm with you on this one. It's not the challenge per se but by overcoming it by which we earn the sense of accomplishment. Or even not overcoming it. The most instructive lesson of my life came from a failure. It was from the failure despite the great effort that I learned that the only way to know we're truly pushing our limits is to bounce off them every now and then.
This was a great pep talk to read before starting my day. Thanks for the encouragement!
Lol. Poor little gamer has endless lives, boohoo. Maybe I should write the fun is in the struggle on the little card in my hotel room along with my stupid tip that in no way brings their income up to a living wage. I don’t know why but Blanche Dubois I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers keeps popping into my head. Well at least just coming here someone is making money.
@Tiana, I don't understand your reply? Should we not discuss this issue at all then, because it can't possibly encapsulate all the degrees of struggle that exist in this world? Or can we simply take it in the spirit in which I believe it was intended- that sometimes taking the road that appears to be easy, actually sets our lives up to be harder. And that sometimes the attitude we bring to the challenge matters as much as the challenge itself.
I do not believe that Kristen put up this post as a panacea for all the pain that might exist in our lives. I think we all know that she would never take such a stance.
@Tiana, it seems to me (stop me if I'm wrong, for heaven's sake) that you only read Kristen's first couple of paragraphs and not the whole post. If so, I ask you, courteously, to go back and read the whole thing carefully. I found it much more thoughtful and nuanced than you seem to have.
@Tiana, I can't say exactly why, but when I read your reply the advice my babysitter used to give me years ago just popped into my head: If you can't say something, maybe better say nothing at all.
Oh geez, that was meant to say, if you can't say something KIND, maybe better say nothing at all. That will teach me to comment on blogs while keeping an eye on dinner! 😀
@Tiana, why are you reading this blog?
@gina, I could be (probably am) completely wrong about this, but reading (perhaps between the lines) I sense some financial distress, if not her own then that of others (who aren't making a living wage). It can be overwhelming.
@gina, I’ll endorse what Karen A. said above. Better to say nothing sometimes.
I agree. Kristen, you should be proud of yourself for all you have accomplished since early last year. I think you are going to come out of this just fine, your path just changed. I am sure it it still hard but you are doing great and setting an example for so many as well.
Not only do struggles/challenges give you a feeling of accomplishment but they help build resilience which when lacking leads to difficulties down the road. My daughter had a acquaintance in school that must have had parents that tried to give her a trouble free life. Unfortunately this person struggled with dealing with things that were not to her liking and even as an eighteen year old high school senior still cried in class when something bothered her. The same behavior she exhibited ten years earlier, as a Brownie.
A relative also rarely had to deal with difficulty/disappointment in life. He is in his mid sixties and throughout his life his wife shielded him from situations that might have been difficult for him. She would take care of his parents and other potentially challenging situations. Now that my relative had a health scare (nothing major) and his wife is having a few health challenges he has literally fallen apart. He has been hospitalized a couple of times in recent weeks for major mental health issues. It seems he is not handling life changes well. We hope he will get better.
Speaking up for old-timey rich people, a lot of them spent a lot of time on good works for the poor and so on. Founding libraries like Andrew Carnegie or researching medicine like John D. Rockefeller or Hull House like Jane Addams. Today, Bill Gates spends most of his time on philanthropy, whether that's improving sanitation in India or trying to eliminate malaria.
I will also say--if you get hit with a lot of challenges at once, sometimes you no longer feel triumphant, but numb. I mean, my husband left, my son went to jail, my mom had a stroke, my father died, my BFF (one of two) passed away, I had to move, my son was arrested again, both my kids threatened suicide, my parents' house was burglarized, my car repossessed, all within a couple years.
I tried to feel good about overcoming it and taking care of my family but all I felt is numb.
I think that's understandable. <3 And it's particularly understandable when those events are pretty recent!
@Rose, numbness makes sense. And while it is certainly not advisable to live a life of numbness, it sometimes serves it’s purpose to get us through the intense part, kind of like an emotional version of shock from injury/pain. I hope your numbness has lifted or at least begun to lift. That’s a lot of big stuff to survive and process.
@Kaitlin, Yes, I do cry about my BFF at least three or four times a week (this is a different BFF than the one who left us 7 years ago), and my health still sucks, but it's getting to spring. Today was the first nice day in a looooong time. It feels like it's been in the 40s and raining for the past six months.
I hate when I give in to self-pity as I did above. I really shouldn't go there. And re rich do gooders, I collect a certain kind of metalware, one of which was made by the English Duchess of Sutherland's Cripples' Guild. So that disabled people could produce art metalwork for sale. A good cause, you'd think? The poor old duchess was known as "Meddling Minnie" for being too enthusiastic about helping people, ha!
https://hammerandhand.co.uk/duchess-of-sutherland-cripples-guild/
@Rose, "No good deed goes unpunished."
@Rose, oh sweetie, my heart aches just reading the list, particularly about your adult children. We have no control there, whatsoever. They can rip our hearts into shreds.
@Anne, They're both fine now. One's an artist, the other one is a master of Wall Street. (My son drove drunk New Year's Eve when he was 19, totaled his car, but no one was hurt, thank goodness. He got 5 weeks in jail for it. I brought him Crime and Punishment and The Ballad of Reading Gaol to read. Then I asked if White Power Bill had traded him for a pack of cigarettes yet. He said, "It's a minimum security county jail. That doesn't happen." OK, how about two packs of cigarettes? I only stay sane by cracking jokes.)
@Rose,
♥♥
@Rose, Just reading this is horrifying, I cannot imagine living through it. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is a triumph.
@Rose, I wish so many good things ahead for you!
Yup. My mother one time remarked in a somewhat frustrated tone, "Is ANYTHING in your life easy?" (She was referring mostly to our very old house and water/heat/storage issues.) In fact, my life then was much easier than a lot of people's, but also, I don't WANT my life to be too easy. I don't want my children's lives to be too easy. Because that is not a life that builds character or fosters gratitude for blessings. Quite the opposite.
I could write a lot more, but that's probably enough. And I have to get ready for work. 🙂
@kristin @ going country, I don’t want my life to be easy either! That said, I’ve much preferred the challenges I’ve chosen (adopting a high needs child between my two kiddos that are 21 mths apart) to the ones that have happened to me. Agency (perceived control?) makes the challenge feel easier.
@Kaitlin, THIS! A thousand times this. It's one thing to pick your own struggle (with a capable and willing partner by your side) and quite another to have the struggle foisted upon you without your consent.
This is very true. And I was thinking about how in my case, I technically have chosen this path. But the circumstances were such that it was barely a choice, and so I have some of the same feelings people do when a struggle is foisted upon them without consent!
@Kaitlin, Yes, I agree.
@kristin @ going country,
Yes, and even if you do not agree with the philosophy behind this, you can at least enjoy the beauty and rhythm of these words from E. Goudge.
"There is always a Thing, the hidden Thing, some fear or pain or shame, temptation or a bit of self-knowledge that you can never explain. If you just endure it simply because you must, like a boil on the neck, or fret yourself to pieces trying to get rid of it, or cadge sympathy for it, then it can break you. But if you accept it as a secret burden borne secretly for the love of Christ, it can become your hidden treasure. For it is your point of contact with Him, your point of contact with that foundation of refreshment down at the roots of things. ‘O Lord, thou foundation of living waters.’ That foundation of life is what Christians mean by grace. Nothing new, for it brings us back to where we were before. In those deep green pastures where cool waters are there is no separation. Our point of contact with the suffering Christ is our point of contact with every other suffering man and woman, and is the source of our life. We are all branches of the vine, and the wine runs red for the cleansing of the world."
I couldn't agree more. Great post, Kristen.
I was reminded of this very sentiment this week while expanding our garden. So far, we've removed sod (with a good old fashion shovel and sweat equity) in 90% of the new garden. We'll plant plants that I've been growing from seeds in-doors and use compost from our compost bin. If we had a larger budget, we could pay someone to do this quicker, or even purchase the specialty equipment and mature plants fto get the job done quicker, but then they'd miss out of that sense of accomplishment. Looking out at my soon-to-be expanded, partially completed garden, fills me with such satisfaction. We did this and it looks awesome! Not sure it'd feel as good if I paid someone else to do the work for us (though I'm sure it would still look very nice!).
It's funny but when you ask people about the best time of their life, they'll often point to how much fun they had when they were a struggling college student or living in a crummy apartment just starting out married life.
I totally agree. I think that facing surmountable challenges is what helps us build a sense of capability and self-confidence. One of my favourite things to say to myself when I feel overwhelmed is "This is really hard AND I can do things that are hard." It doesn't make me suddenly feel like, "Oooh yeah! I can do anything! Rah-rah-rah!" but it helps me feel calmer and then I can march (or lurch and stumble) through whatever is challenging me. As you say, sometimes I just need to sink into self-pity for a bit. It's about balance.
"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". That said, you'd manage/ overcome challenges well if your available resources (ability/ motivation/ money/ support) are somewhat in proportion to your challenges.
For example, imagine how you'd do if you were an immigrant (no families/ support here), you couldn't go to college because your visa status was dependent on your husband, and you couldn't work because of visa/health/ money issues.
Sometimes, you just simply can't will/ work your way through it :(. Other times, the harder you try the luckier you get.
@Farhana, A little empathy for others' circumstances goes a long, long way. It is seemingly in pretty short supply these days.
@Farhana,
Well said. Having the support of nearby extended family makes an enormous difference in being able to handle any challenge that life brings.
Oh, for sure. There are so many privileges I have that have set me up to navigate this life change relatively smoothly. I see lots of people in my support group who face far greater challenges than I do, for some of the reasons you mentioned here.
I think we all like to think our lives are really hard because we rarely see other people's struggles and pains. I mean, I believe most of us were dumbstruck when you and your soon to be ex separated or that you ever had any problems of that type.
I don't know if that's a sign we should share our struggles more or what it means.
As for Mario and an infinite life code, it was much more satisfying to do some turtle tipping in 3-1 to get as many lives as possible but even then those were only more about how to learn to play the game and then find new challenges.
It's one disappointing thing about a lot of modern games in that death and failure are often irrelevant and you get infinite tries to finish the level.
@Battra92, Perhaps what it means is that appearances may not be deceiving but they are just ... appearances. And we shouldn't assume or presume what challenges others are dealing with.
And perhaps, one day, I will share a little about the reasons I was so quiet for so long.
Challenge is definitely a better word than struggle. Struggle sounds to me like being mired in a situation, possibly a hopeless one. Challenge sounds like something that has a good chance of being overcome.
I feel such satisfaction and strength when I've overcome a challenge. I can't say I've overcome all of them; some I'm still in the middle of, some I just plain failed, but when I manage to come through on the other side with any amount of success, it feels so good. An easy life might also be a boring life, but no one really has a totally easy life, do they? Doesn't everyone, rich or poor, privileged or not, face challenges of some kind? Broken relationships, death, sickness, financial loss, betrayal, loss of status, loss of friends, aimlessness, loneliness... I so agree with Kristen that we can be strengthened by those challenges. In the end, some of the challenges might even become those "blessings in disguise."
Although I will always quote author Jean Kerr who quoted her mother as saying, "What I'm looking for, Jean, are blessings NOT in disguise."
@JD, wasn’t Jean Kerr a man, though? Not that it matters..
I think mindset is a lot of the puzzle. There are a lot of things that have happened recently where, if I were to dwell on them, I could say, "Woe is me! All these things have happened!" (And just like you said, sometimes you need a good cry on the floor before you're ready to stand up again.) But I do find that if I focus on the positive - my amazing family, my blessings in many areas of my life - I don't feel so overwhelmed when the bad things come.
I am living this exact thought process through my dd and her being a 2nd grade teacher. She has parent after parent tell her to remove the challenges, that their Jaclyn/Caleb is having problems and they don't like it. My dd is the same age as most them and she said that them asking her to dumb things down is going to hurt more than help. They don't want to put in the work to help their child overcome the challenge and that will just translate to other areas of life.
Challenges are hard but when you overcome them, it's so satisfying!
The first of Buddha's Noble Truths is Suffering exists: Life is suffering. I read that like your comment, Life is a challenge.
@Jonathan, I've always preferred a different Buddhist truth: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." Letting go = the end of unnecessary suffering.
I think this is a fantastic post! I actually needed this. My first year in. My new leadership role has been a struggle or… it’s been a challenge. I thought about everything that I have worked through and it was very challenging but with the help of my team, we made it. It definitely wasn’t pretty. But we have seen the success! I’ve been following you for years and I do look forward to every post. You have been so transparent about the circumstances of your personal life all while being respectful to your soon to be ex-husband (sorry, couldn’t figure out how to make that work? Didn’t mean for that to be harsh.) i think that many of us struggle in different areas of our own marriages and today was like a lightbulb flipped on by changing the term to challenge. Nursing school was a challenge. You have lots of virtual nurse friends (me) to give you tips and tricks! Good news is it will fly by! I graduated summa cum laude on a single income with 7 year old triplets. It was one heck of a challenge but I did it. You got this!
Not harsh at all. And thank you for the encouragement!
This is why I have been following you for soooo many years. Your insight and wisdom is always opening and or comforting. Thank you
Excellent post, excellent discussion through the comments.
Three thoughts:
1. Yes, to changing the words we use: I often say "I get to" instead of "I have to", and it reminds me of the privilege it is to have transportation, grocery stores, money, freedom, etc.
2. EVERYONE needs help to tackle challenges. We take turns being the helpers and the helpees in all walks of life. Kristen has her family, some of us have our neighbors or co-workers, virtual acquaintances who provide frugal tips (or recently for me, a stranger who helped me get a giant sheet of masonite into the back of my pickup.)
3. Difficulty builds strength—think about weight lifting. (@Rose must be an Ironwoman Beast by now... gawl, that is a load of incredibly difficult challenges)
@Central Calif. Artist, Oh, I forgot to mention my mother's suicide attempt, too! That was fun because she was committed to a mental hospital, which annoyed her. I would call her up and ask how the nut bin was going which made her laugh. In fact, it's amazing how many euphemisms there are for a psychiatric hospital, because I used every one when I called her. "So what's happening this week at the laughing academy?"
Most hardships in my life I can see as challenges, because I can work to overcome or lessen them. I have one hardship in life however that I cannot influence, that has led to stress and mourning for over two decades, and that is likely to get worse in the coming years. Acceptance of that situation is a struggle for sure.
@J NL, yes, when we have zero control over a bad situation, it's heartbreaking.
Thank you for such a thoughtful post! I listened to that pod episode as well and appreciate your take on it.
I think reframing helps us in a lot of ways and is something we are trying to teach our kids. One of my kids has been having a rough time at school lately and today he asked if he could just be homeschooled. As much as I want to protect him from life's challenges, I keep thinking back to something I heard once that went something like this: when we're raising our kids we are providing a safe space to try and fail many times over. This is what makes a resilient person with grit. That reframe really helps me on hard mornings like today. So I made my son his favorite breakfast and a cup of tea and gave him lots of hugs before he headed out the door.
I have to add: Science 100% agrees with your post! Humans were created to be wary of danger and our natural state is not happiness. It's survival. Happiness is created with psychic rewards from relationahips and child-rearing, useful work, contributions to the tribe, status from accomplishments, mastery, etc. Not materialism or a purposeless life. Your blog is so important for highlighting all this. Thank you.
As always an excellent essay on the subject matter. I have long believed that the words we use to describe something can influence how we handle things. Generally speaking, I am a fan of "challenging" but I have learned, the hard way, that there are times when the most accurate word is "struggle" or "struggling."
If we can, it's best to not even label our feelings or situation at all. Not always possible of course. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I, oddly, had no words to describe my feelings. When I went through treatment and afterwards with longlasting and life changing side effects, the words of a friend with recurrent cancer came to mind. "It sucks" she said. Only that and that frankly just sums it all up.
The reality of life, particularly with medical issues, is that things "suck" and will continue to suck and you can just do the best you can in any given moment to cope. And not judge yourself when, sometimes, you are just overwhelmed.
Even if one emerges cancer free, you live with the knowledge that days, months, even years later you can still get cancer. It's hell to live with as it is with many other health issues because they can get worse or more severe over time or lead to other diagnoses.
When it comes to health issues, dealing with them in my mind is never "fun". It's to be gotten through with as much of the rest of your life intact as you can manage. There is always a "new" you after cancer and other life altering health issues. You do not go back to being the person you were and getting through it is simply that. Getting through and moving as much forward as you can.
That's why "challenge" isn't always appropriate. Dealing with most everyday life situations can be challenging. But life long debilitating health? That is what it is: Struggling and trying to THRIVE rather than survive (As many who have gone through cancer, we hate the word "survive" or "survivor". It simply isn't enough.)
To keep my sanity, I don't judge how well I navigate life situations. I appreciate that I may have lessened my stress level or taken the pressure off or the like. But to each his own to find their way through the maze of life's situations.
I'm not a competitive person by nature. I believe in personal excellence and doing the best one can in situations. In life, that may not always get you what you want or how you want things to be. BUT...we remind ourselves that we cannot control outcome. Only how we respond and even then we must be honest that each day will be different. Some days we will be overwhelmed and in pain; others not so much or not at all.
To live in the present, with whatever it brings, I remind myself that "tomorrow is another day" and that today is not tomorrow and tomorrow is not the day after. I hope that doesn't sound too zen. I maintain my equilibrium that way. And some days, it works and some days I struggle. Accepting that makes it easier to move through what can be moved through or to accept what is and cannot always be altered. Honoring one's feelings often frees me to move past them. (Today's "it sucks" is not tomorrow.)
Nodding to your last paragraph; I think it's important to accept that the struggle days will happen, and to remember they don't last forever. Some days, I just do not feel zen about my circumstances; I feel sad or angry.
I try to just let those feelings be what they need to be, and I trust they will move themselves on through. So far, that's been true!
@Irena, Thank you for writing this.
@Lindsey, yes, I thought @Irena gave a good account of how it feels to sometimes just make it to the next day. I find I have to reel myself in from looking too far ahead and remind myself each day is unto itself.
Sometimes, though, the challenges don't end, or don't resolve in a positive way, and then the new struggle is having to learn to live with the resolution. I'm 74 years old, and challenges come and go, resolve or multiply, and to me it means I am still alive and kicking. Sometimes it's hard to see your struggle as a learning opportunity, so it helps me to have some touchstones that I can predict. The moon, as it waxes and wanes, the stars in Orion's belt, the taste of a fresh strawberry -- simple but reliable, and reminding you that YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.
Yes. Sometimes the satisfaction is in getting to a point of radical acceptance regarding a hard thing. You can't always influence an outcome, but you can often do some work to adjust your thinking around a problem.
My daughter in law died 1 1/2 years ago and my husband and I have moved cross country to take care of our young grandson. We have him for about 50 hours per week and usually one weekend per month. Between our son, my husband and our daughter-in-law's sister, we are doing the very best we can. Is it how we thought our retirement would go?Nope. Are there times that I see friends traveling, getting together, and doing whatever they please in their retirement and I am envious? Definitely! But I like the way you are wording the challenges that one can face in life. And, like you, I hope to remind myself of this on the very hard days. Thanks for the boost, Kristen!
Oh, what a hard loss. And what a wonderful blessing for your son that you guys are able to help so much. God bless you!
Love you swapping out struggle for challenge!
A phrase that I keep having to re-use this past year: I didn't know I was strong enough to deal with this.
I feel that. Sometimes I look back at the stuff I've navigated in the last year and I'm like, "WHOA."
But somehow, one day at a time, I did it!
You may have heard the quote: “Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. And, weak men create hard times.”
I think this is true.
@Jenny Young, indeed this is true.
I love this outlook of seeing things as challenges insteadof struggles. I love a good challenge myself. I mean I am writing a series of books about the presidents... in Latin.
Exactly what I needed to hear right now! Thank you!!!
Kristen, thanks for the regular reminder of how beautiful and rich life is despite and even because of the challenges we have not always chosen ourselves and the difficult emotions that come along.
I really appreciate your blog for spreading hope and encouragement by honestly sharing how you personally navigate through life.
Your blog has been such a comfort to me as I also navigate divorce, moves, and budgeting as a single mom. We can do this! We ARE doing it.
I think you are one of the strongest women I know, you are doing all of this with a smile, you are raising strong young women from what I can see, and you are making it through every day, even though it can be tough. You should be proud of yourself .. God bless you and your family...
I love this so much. And especially with the little addendum at the end. So much wisdom rolled up in one little post!
In the many difficulties I’ve experienced in my life, I have always told myself the circumstances are challenges rather than struggles. As you mentioned Kristen, I agree that the term “challenge “ is more positive and hopeful than “struggle.” Going through the challenges of a very sad divorce ( many years ago), death of friends and family, loss of a job, eldercare, breast cancer and more… I have grown in compassion for other folks going through similar circumstances and I’ve gained a deeper dependence on God Who has been with me through it all.
All of life’s challenges aren’t bad or sad though not easy. I have thoroughly enjoyed the challenge to homeschool our son and daughter. As well, I’m really enjoying learning how to dance with my husband; learning various steps to different dances is so much fun and beneficial in numerous ways but still very challenging.
Thank you, Kristen, for once again helping/ reminding us to walk through life with grace and hope. I’m very proud of you for how you have walked through this past year!!
This article might be helpful to work through divorce struggles
https://www.verywellhealth.com/divorce-grief-5208157
What a great post! You are 100% accurate! I think this is true for everyone, even if people don't recognize this at the time they are struggling. Thanks for the reminder.
Well said. It can be slog or an adventure.
100% agree! Love the insertion of challenge. Well said.
Hi, Kristen! This is a complete non sequitur, but I would love to know about your favorite podcasts whether they touch on frugality or not. Thank you!
Also, I am in awe of your ability to keep on keeping on during an incredibly stressful time. Such a gift to be able to turn struggles into challenges that can be met! I accept the point that one of your readers made about how some struggles can't be overcome by reframing, but emotional pain is important to acknowledge even when you have a roof over your head, food on the table, and clothes on your back. You are doing a super job under less than emotionally desirable circumstances.