Musings on a soft heart
Off-topic warning: I first started this post draft in May, but it's been sitting there since. But today is kind of a hard day (I got married 25 years ago today) so I thought it might a good time to dust this off and finish it up. We'll be back to frugal content tomorrow.
When I moved into this house on Mother's Day this year, I made an Instagram post, sharing how hard the process was for me. I used the phrase "heart-cracking experience".
But as I've been pondering this since, I've started to think maybe that isn't quite the correct phrase.
I often figure things out by writing about them, so that's what I'm going to do here...it's like spitballing, except I'm using a keyboard.
So.
If something can be cracked, then we can presume that thing is hard or brittle. Nobody talks about cracking marshmallows, after all!
And the problem with hard or brittle things is that when pressure is applied, they do actually break, and the damage is often irreparable. Brittle stuff tends to shatter into a million pieces.
There's something to be said for being tough and hardened; those are protective features, and those features do tend to make things durable.
But I don't know that "tough and hardened" are really words that I want to use to describe my heart! Maybe I want my heart to be a little more like a trampoline: strong, but flexible and resilient.
How does one keep a soft heart?
That's a question I've been pondering, and I'm not sure I have the answers.
One thing that's occurred to me is that things like bitterness and cynicism are hallmarks of a hard and brittle heart.
And a helpless attitude might be a feature of a heart that is not very good at bouncing back.
So, perhaps the keys lie in the opposites of these things; maybe in forgiveness rather than bitterness.
Optimism instead of cynicism.
Empowerment instead of helplessness.
Responsibility instead of blame-shifting.
Maybe those things make a strong heart that can weather storms without breaking.
"What CAN I do?"
I sometimes feel discouraged because there is a lot about my trials that is out of my control. It would be pretty easy for me to get into a train of thought that leads to hopelessness.
When I face lots of stuff I truly can't fix, I've found it to be very helpful to ask myself, "Well, what CAN I do?"
For instance, I might not currently be able to have the house I own, but I can:
- settle into my rental
- explore the new neighborhood
- rehab furniture
- decorate my house
- meet the new neighbors
- appreciate all the good things about my rental
I may not be able to fix my marriage, but I can:
- work on my own mental and physical health
- love my kids
- feed my kids and myself
- pursue my nursing education
- volunteer locally
- work on my blog
- spend time with friends and family
- hunt for things to be grateful for
I don't know if this approach would work for everyone, but this attitude really, really helps me to bounce back when things get hard.
I think it's mainly because this question puts me in a position of power rather than a position of helplessness. And when I'm in a position of power, I'm much less likely to get stuck in a "Woe is me!" rut for a long time.
When I'm in that more powerful mindset, then I know that I can withstand what comes my way. I know how to handle myself, I know how to be content, and I know how to make the best of a hard situation.
I don't need life to be perfect; I know how to find beauty even in the midst of the hard.
To me, this feels like such a superpower! I know I'll be able to find joy even when things are hard, so that means I don't have to be terrified about how things will turn out in my life. I know I'm going to be ok, regardless of the choices that other people in my life make.
And interestingly, this probably helps me to avoid bitterness. If I think that the hurtful actions of others have doomed me to misery, then I will feel helpless, bitter, and angry, and my heart will not be soft and resilient.
But if I know that I still can always make choices that lead to a beautiful, contented life, then I am much freer to have a forgiving, peaceful heart, not a bitter heart.
If someone else's choices have less control over me, then I will almost automatically feel less angry and bitter about their choices. And that puts me on a path to soft-hearted freedom.
What do you think? I'd love to hear your feedback on my rambles!
P.S. Please know that I am speaking in reference to my own life here. I'm describing my experience, not prescribing something for you. Your mileage may vary.
P.P.S. I do think it's fine (and even healthy) to experience a roller coaster of emotions in hard times. I've certainly had my fair share of unpleasant emotions during this time! My "What CAN I do?" question does not get rid of the roller coaster entirely, but it helps my roller coaster to have some ups instead of just downs; my roller coaster car isn't getting completely stuck at a low point.
A very wise woman once told me, “ When troubles come, we always have the choice of becoming bitter or better. Always choose better.”
@Julia, what a wonderful saying!
@Julia,
That woman was indeed very wise! I love it.
I send you all the supports and thoughts, I hope you can feel them emanating from my corner of the world.
I have Things To Say but not enough time right now to say them coherently. I think you're on to something with resilience vs. hard shell, and which is more useful over the long run. Funny thing is I had just about this same conversation with my father, not 5 minutes ago. Yesterday (Sunday) he was feeling blue - my mom's health has taken an inevitable but unwelcome turn for the worse - and he couldn't do most of what he does to feel better because all the things he does, can only be done during working hours: call doctors, send emails, solicit advice, etc.
Some days are just harder than others. It makes sense that this is one of them.
I have a list posted of small things I can do to make me feel better, such as go outside or write down the things that are banging around in my head (if they're written down, I don't have to focus on remembering them).
BTW, have you noticed how many more comments you get, after you shared your marriage situation? It seems that doing so encouraged many of the lurkers to delurk. A recognition that you are the sort of person who motivates others to be supportive and sympathetic.
@WilliamB, I think the increase in comments just goes to show how people crave connection through the difficult things in life, even if they were years prior.
I have been a VERY long time reader and only commented a couple of times through the years, but have done so several times over the last few months. I went through a divorce about 6 years ago and am definitely on the other side of it now. It was still pretty traumatic and I still feel a kindred spirit for others going through the same thing, especially with kids. Being vulnerable is difficult, but it also gives permission to others to be vulnerable too.
Blessings to you!!
Good morning Kristen,
I remember when I was in college.....I was in my early 40s and we had an assignment in my Intro to Psychology class. We had a list of adjectives we could use to describe ourselves and there had to be 30 or more on the list, but we could only choose 3. I was by far the oldest student, as most were just out of high school. They were all grumbling that is was impossible to choose only 3 and that they didn't even know what some of the words meant. I distinctly remember choosing "resilient" as my first word; grateful as my second; and loyal as my third. You exude resilience in all you write about and I truly believe it is one of the best character traits one can possess. You appear to possess it in spades:)
@I agree Vicki Skonieczny, that Kristen exudes resilience in spades. I think it's one of the best character traits a person can have.
Superpower! How you respond shapes everything!
@Deborah Way, Such wise words Deborah!
I feel like I grew a hard and bitter heart as a shield against pain, because my soft heart has been broken so many times.
Re cracking, you've never made candy, have you? Candy is sweet and gets to a hard crack stage. If you drop a bit of it into water at this point, it forms hard, brittle threads that break when touched.
@Rose, toffee (for example) is very delicious, but it doesn't last long!
@Rose, I think of all the candies that never need to get to “hard-crack” stage, like fudge, pralines, caramel, fondant…
Grit is what get us tru life with contentment ( and a healthy dose of swearing in my case).
I have always believed, why not me? Into each life some rain must fall and all that.
Very well said. Thank you for your very insightful post. It’s so easy to lose your way in hard times and that is the exact opposite of what we need to do. Thank you.
You are so very good at words. I can never express things as well as you do, but I do agree that changing your mindset about situations. When my mother passed away I allowed myself to grieve, to cry "ugly" and to feel sad. But I also knew I needed to move forward. I had to tell myself multiple times that she was no longer in pain and wanted to be in Heaven (yes, we are religious and believe in Heaven). I also had to use that same attitude with my father and his grief. He now lives with us and when he has sad times, we remind one another of where she is. Changing my mindset got me through that!
Thank you for an insightful post. It’s so easy during difficult times to lose our way and thank you for a gentle reminder that this is not the way we need to choose. You are such an inspiration.
I love your perspective. Sending much love your way on this difficult day.
We've been watching all the seaons of "Borgen" and her question to her political adviser when things get tough is always, "What are my options?" I LOVE what you've decided is the best option for you Kristen! Doing what you can, staying positive, loving your people 🙂
@Julie from GJ,
We love Borgen-every season was so good. And, that is a very useful line you pulled out of it. "What are my options?" By definition, it moves you forward.
@Erika JS, what channel is Borgen on?
@Anne, It's on Netflix. Awesome show!
IMHO soft is not the same as helpless. Stay present. Don't be a victim. Learn from the situation. How can YOU be better in the future. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
Thank you for a reminder of what I can do! This was a very encouraging post. We are moving our oldest to college this week, so this weekend was a year filled one between my husband & I.
@Erin, We are in the same boat this week. I didn't realize what a struggle it would be.
Consistently when I read these posts of yours, I am struck how incredibly brave you are. Brave in facing the situation or the moment and deciding on a course of action. Brave in sharing your feelings with all of us. Brave for going forward and not getting stuck or getting unstuck. Prayers are with you always.
I'm sending you love and encouragement on your journey, but I know you've got this. Life is not supposed to be perfect and painless and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something.
I admire your honesty and your continued efforts at thankfulness/gratefulness even in hard times. I check your blog every day. God bless you
Hi Kristen, My sympathies on this hard day, I feel for you!
Not succombing to bitterness is hard work. It takes conscious and continuous rewiring of your brain and heart. I have a number of situations in my life that require this and it is a struggle at times. I purposefully refrain from calling people who have hurt me bad names, because I know that if I allow myself to, those names will stick internally and may poison actions and words from them even if they were not intended badly. All in the spirit of not nurturing your grudges. Having said that, I do allow myself to express that I feel disappointed, hurt, robbed of my trust, etc. And some people are not part of my life any more.
In my resolution to "bend my brain" into a positive attitude, I have chosen a computer passphrase that strengthens and encourages me. I have to log on several times a day and I really log back on cheerfully now. I would feel very different if my passphrase was along the lines of "Xisana..hole123". (it is not that I cannot be nasty, it is just that I feel better when I am not)
@J NL,
A friend of mine was laid off of her job about 10 years ago. she was able to get some training in another area, but found there were few job opportunities in that area. Ultimately, she did find a job, but making less money than her original job.
Anyway, her computer passwords are a variation on "[name of original company] sucks". Sadly, there's nothing you can suggest to her to "let it go" after all of these years.
Thank you for your words of wisdom and strength. Life is a compilation of joy and pain. I am reminded of message I read years ago but still remember clearly:
"I walked a mile with laughter; she chatted all the way
But nothing did I learn from her for all she had to say.
I walked a mile with sorrow and ne'er a word said she,
but, Oh! the tings I learned from her, when sorrow walked with me."
I pray that you continue to grow your empowerment and prosper your life both monetarily and spiritually.
I feel this. Going through a very similar situation to you and it's taught me to try and open towards others more (mostly my friends, who are being so helpful and supportive). Thank you as always for sharing and helping people feel less alone.
This is SUCH a good post!
There is a big difference between sitting with hardship and painful circumstances and wallowing in them. I found Pema Chodron's book "Welcoming the Unwelcome" very helpful when dealing with my grief when my mother died unexpectedly a few years ago. Her words encouraged me to sit with my feelings and accept them as a natural part of the process, and as a natural part of life. I think your approach is a realistic and resilient one.
What CAN I do is the question I ask myself often. I can't change the world but that doesn't stop me from doing what I am able to do in my little corner.
And when I do get bogged down, I do the thing I least want to do first. Everything after that is easier.
It makes perfect sense what you've written: we do always have a choice of giving in and feeling miserable or fighting to not be so! Have you read When Bad Things Happen to Good People? It has gotten me through some tough times.
I am so filled up with appreciation for how you have persisted to be grateful, a wonderful mom, and a person with admirable goals.
During my divorce I would say that my heart 100% broke. Not because I’m hard-hearted, but because anything that isn’t handled correctly can break. Now, years down the road, I think of my heart being repaired by Kintsugi (the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with gold). My divorce changed some things about me, but I am still me. The damage that was done was repaired in a beautiful way (working on myself, support from friends and family, finding my now husband).
I can also look back and say that I did everything in my power to save our marriage. I find contentment in that. It made it easier for me to pick up the pieces and create the new life I have now.
@Geneva,
What a wonderful way of looking at your experience.
<3 <3 <3
Beautifully written. I agree whole-heartedly. I am so sorry you are having these experiences, but I am amazed at the way your are handling it. We've never met but I think you are a beautiful person and I'm glad to have a little bit of that influence in my inbox several times a week.
The serenity prayer came to mind when I read your post: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Accepting my powerlessness can be very freeing. It does not need to mean hopelessness or helplessness. I am powerless over other people (and what they do, say, think, etc.), places, and things. However, I am never powerless over my choices. I can choose resilience. I can choose joy. I can choose acceptance. I can choose not to allow the negative actions, words, and behaviors of others destroy me. I can choose to allow myself to feel grief for what I thought my life was going to look like (I'm a widow), accept it, and continue to move forward with gratitude for all that I have. Sending you gentle hugs, Kristin.
Aww, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Anniversaries are hard for you too, then, albeit in a different way than for me. Much love to you.
@Kristen, CS, recently it was the 35th anniversary of my wedding, and 4 years since my husband died. So, yes, those can be hard, but, actually not nearly as painful as my divorce from my first husband, or struggling through serious problems in a marriage, or several other things that happened. I’m only speaking for myself, of course, and I’m happy to say that in my case, my first husband eventually changed a lot and we have made amends to each other and are friends.
Oof, that is a lot to deal with. Hugs to you!
I have an especially hard time getting rid of the bitterness, which still comes back to haunt me almost thirty years later. I will never forget taking my teen to the walk-in clinic with a terrible strep throat to discover that my ex-husband had cancelled the boys' health insurance. HOWEVER, and this is a big one, I have grown to realize that you don't always have to forgive -- some things are just not forgive-able. The trick is to feel bitter for a split second (how could he do that to our children??!!?). Then I remember that I managed, I made it, the boys and I made it, it's over, and we have all moved on from there. My heart broke for a minute, all those thirty years ago, but just look at how it has mended!
@Jean, People who haven't been through that kind of thing don't get it. How can anyone not be bitter about something like that?
I am no expert on this, but what I understand from other people who are experts is: it's fine to feel the angry, indignant feelings when they come up. You sit with them until they pass, and then you carry on. It sounds like that's what you did!
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of highlighting the repairs in broken pottery. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi The idea is that the repair is part of that piece's history, and rather than hide it, one highlights it when creating a new whole. The "flaw" only adds to the beauty.
I don't think it's wrong to say you were suffering from a cracked heart; you've just chosen to fill the cracks with gold. The repair is a part of you, the new you, ever changing and evolving for the better. We all have cracks, scars, and scuffs; your bravery in sharing yours, in making "flaws" beautiful and creating a new whole, may help someone repair their own. Therein lies your gold, Kristen.
Accept what is
Let go of what was
Have faith in what will be.
I have been where you are, and came out a stronger more confident person.
You are doing a lovely job showing strength and joy in your new beginnings.
My sister turned into a bitter, judgmental, woe-is-me person after her divorce. I love her, but I have to limit my interactions with her. It can be quite toxic! She has softened a little
the last couple of years, but she has left a LOT of damage in her wake. Thank you for your positive attitude, and doing what you are doing!
Thank you for this post, it is encouraging & insightful. I will just say ditto to all the comments I have read, I love your readers, they post wise and encouraging thoughts. I have 3 things I say to myself when others' behavior is affecting me.
it's not personal. breathe. let it go.
And by let it go, I mean for me not to dwell on things that are beyond my control.
@Linda in Canada, what if it is personal? What if someone is personally targeting you for pain? Just let it go?
@Rose,
I would say that if someone is deliberately targeting you and you don't find a way to let it go and bounce off of you, then you are letting them win by giving them what they want which is you hurting. As they say, success is the best revenge, so I think it's important not just to let it go, but to find a way to move forward and let this person who is trying to harm you just spin their wheels and be ineffective in their efforts. Let them try their worst, but you choose to be above them and untouchable because anyone who deliberately tries to hurt you is beneath you.
@Becca, What if they are actively harming you and your children, not just emotionally but financially and logistically? And there's simply no way to let it "bounce off you"?
Honestly I am seeing a lot of toxic positivity in the comments to this post, which is not something I see with Kristen. She acknowledges the hurt and pain without trying to pretend it doesn't exist.
Not gonna comment any more.
Hugs to you, Rose. I think it's totally fine to acknowledge the pain. I think it's ok to feel the anger and indignation. AND I know I don't want to get stuck there all the time.
I'm not too far down this path, but I hope that a combo of crying through the pain + asking myself, "What CAN I do?" will get me through. Stay tuned.
@Rose,
I'm sorry, Rose. I'm not trying to be toxically positive or downplay the harm that has been done to you. I do think that finding ways to build resiliency is something that you can always do for yourself and those you care for even in the midst of a constant onslaught. Think of it as building that armour in a healthy way. There have been situations in my life where I finally had to choose to let the conflict die on my end by walking away (not sure if that makes sense). It might look like giving in from the outside, but sometimes that can be a very powerful move if it is made with conscious choice. Like another commenter said, asking yourself "what are my options?" can move you into a position where you feel like you have some control, and having that feeling makes all the difference-at least it does for me.
@Becca, For me it is a matter of control---if you injure me and I don't let go of it so it keeps stealing my energy and emotions, then you are still controlling me years later. Sometimes I can let go of stuff easily but there have been injuries that I let twist me up for years.
@Lindsey,
Exactly. I'm definitely not saying it's easy, but when I left my last job, my husband suggested I stop letting my old boss live in my head rent-free. Easier said than done, but I have to admit that he was right.
@Becca, absolutely right, I think! It takes time and work and willingness, and can be a roller coaster. I rode the roller coaster to its smooth end, although during the ride I often wondered if I could survive and be happy and whole again. What are the other choices? I looked at them and could not let that happen.
@Lindsey, I have always said that forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.
So many soft things also have resilience and spring back, like a loaf of bread made just right and ready for the oven. And getting things that are not right out of one's life leaves room for the right things to grow.
Thank you for sharing this day. (((HUGS)))
Good for you. Choose the good! So many of us are tempted to wallow in the “woe is me” mode. You are using a balanced thinking process, always a stronger one than strictly emotional or strictly intellectual one. Another dimension here is time—it can give you new perspectives, new information, new insights. You are going to be a wonderful nurse!
Aww, thank you! I hope that I will be.
God bless you, Kristin, for this very encouraging site. I have received much inspiration and hope from reading it. My hugs and prayers go out to you on this very difficult day!
Right now dh and I, like so many others, are in a terrible situation financially and honestly, some days it's unbearable. I have to admit that there are times that the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that if I choose to leave this world, one of my children would have to stop their lives and become a caretaker for their father. I'm stubbornly unselfish, so that does the trick.
The thing that really helps just as Kristen said is to focus on today and what I can do. Dh will tell you my favorite phrase is "I don't want to talk about that today" and when tomorrow comes, it's not as bad.
I could be mad about our situation, but what would that help. I would become bitter and incapable of finding joy. Instead, I lose myself in my work, A game on my phone or a goid book. Tomorrow will be better and I'll get through this.
Hugs to you, Jennifer. I really, really hope you guys can catch a break soon.
@Jennifer, I am so sorry to hear that you are having these problems. Money troubles just grind you down because they impact everything. I hope that soon your situation improves and your money problems are but a memory.
You make it sound like all your troubles are because of someone else’s choices. Quit blaming others. Not good.
@LL,
I honestly don't get that impression from Kristen at all.
@LL, I am puzzled by your comments and saddened that you chose to share them in this way.
@LL, She's not and she doesn't.
@LL, I totally disagree.
I sent a prayer up for you on this difficult day.
I'll be honest, bitterness is something I've struggled with on several occasions. Such as my first husband walking out - I was very bitter over the way he abandoned our marriage. It wasn't active bitterness, but was always there in my heart, till one day I finally opened my eyes and realized that if he hadn't walked out, I never would have met DH and we never would have had our two beautiful kids and now six beautiful grandkids. I was finally able to let go and forgive. I find looking for things to be thankful for seems to help me most with bitterness and hardness. As I've grown in faith, I also find it much easier not to be hard and bitter in the first place, which is a relief.
Resilient is a good description, and it's how I aim to be. Giving, pliable, and able to bounce back.
You are doing very well, Kristen, and thanks for sharing!
There's a ton of wisdom here. Thank you for sharing this, especially on a hard day in your life. Who wants to be bitter or cynical or "woe is me" long-term? Ugh. Whenever I find myself dragged down with those thoughts, it just seems to attract more of the same along with icky feelings like helplessness, discouragement and pessimism. I always choose to move forward, onward and upward in order to leave all that behind. While we can't change the past, many situations can be changed for the better by our own thoughts.
Excellent words you have that, despite being gentle, carry great wisdom and comfort. And, what a fine example you are setting for your children…not to mention others in the chat group going through some version of a difficult time.
All this you’ve achieved while hurting and on a most hurtful day. You know the expression, "Hurt people hurt." You do the opposite. It’s remarkable and characterful.
Aww, Erika, you are always so kind in your comments. Thank you! You are such an encouragement to me.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in ("Anthem" by Leonard Cohen)
I wish you tenderness towards yourself on this ultra difficult day. I hope some good things happen today and I pray that tomorrow will be easier as you are able to put create some distance today.
I love "What CAN I do?". I also love:
"I think it’s mainly because this question puts me in a position of power rather than a position of helplessness. And when I’m in a position of power, I’m much less likely to get stuck in a “Woe is me!” rut for a long time."
You share a lot of wisdom, and reality, in your blog and I hope you feel support from your many readers.
You're making your way through unchartered territory and have a great perspective on how to do it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Now I will always think of you on August 15 because it's also our anniversary (41st today). I admire your ability to 'restart' your life. You're an incredible example of strength and resilience for your daughters.
Aww, happy anniversary to you! I hope you guys have a wonderful day together.
And thank you for your kind comments.
Awesome post!
A good attitude helps, you are such a positive person!
I appreciate your perspective very much; it is what keeps me reading your blog above others.
This reminded me of a stanza from the song “Held” by Natalie Grant:
This hand is bitterness
We wanna taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow
Praying for you to be held in the love of the Father today.
Oh my, I do feel for you today and I appreciate your positive look at things.
I know for me when I have been through some devastating times in the past (though thankfully not the same as yours) one thing that always made it difficult was that the support structure for men is almost non-existent when compared to the support structures that are there for women. For example when a couple in my church split up there were weekly if not daily prayers for the wife, we were asked to do things for wife etc. The man was considered persona non grata in many ways. I know every situation is different but it's one thing I've had on my mind lately.
@Battra92, Don't know your church, but when a couple breaks up, the wife's income plummets while the husband's goes up. Less than half of custodial parents, almost always women, get their full child support they're entitled to. On a societal basis, the idea that men are not supported while women are is a joke.
@Rose,
Every situation is different. Although there are always exceptions, the severing of the matrimonial bond is often difficult for everyone involved — husband, wife and children. Not all men are villains, not all women victims. Relationships can be complicated and hard.
Men often do suffer a broken heart or financial stress during a divorce. Men can love and miss their children. Men do suffer from loneliness and sadness. Men sometimes take on the role of single parent. Some men lose dear friends who have chosen sides in a divorce. Yet as Battra92 noted, men — unlike women — are not encouraged to necessarily speak about their emotions, losses and fears.
@Bee, You're missing the point. I was talking at a societal level.
As for women speaking about their emotions, etc, it's only if they have the right positive emotions. Bitter? Angry? You're now a crazy, miserable harpy who 1. lets your ex live rent free in your head, 2. not resilient, 3. not gentle, 4. not forgiving, 5. not thankful or grateful and all the other claptrap repeated here, most of which come from Home Goods signs of the Live Love Laugh ilk. Feel your feelings, everyone says, unless they're too bad and then you better shut up about them and embrace positivity. If you're a woman, that is.
I only have my own personal experience, but I have found that the people around me have generally been willing to let me cry and feel angry. It's a valid part of the healing process.
When it comes to bitterness: I mainly consider this from a "What is good for me?" perspective. If I get eaten up with bitterness over the wrongs that have been done to me, that's not good for ME.
But bitterness is most definitely not the same thing as emotions! I think I can process through the sadness, hurt, grief, indignation and such without being bitter. And furthermore, I can feel sadness, grief, and such while ALSO being thankful, grateful, gentle, forgiving, and all that. I don't think those things are mutually exclusive.
I suppose this all hinges on how we are defining bitterness too. Plus, we could have a whole discussion about what forgiveness is and is not (like...it's not saying that what someone did to you was right, or that it didn't hurt you.)
But that is probably too much to get into in a blog comment. Regardless, hugs to you, and I want to reiterate that I think it's completely understandable to have negative emotions.
Sorry, I am never usually this angry or bitter in real life. Kristen's posts bring it out in me! That said I am dealing with a lot, LOT, of pretty bad life stressors right now, so I can get blunt.
However, I also have a lot of issues in the way women are "allowed" to express emotions after divorce. Don't badmouth your ex to the children! If you act too angry, it's no wonder the poor guy dumped you! Be positive about the worst thing that's ever happened to you or friends will ditch you too! Just accept the crap raining down on your head with a smile!
@Bee,
Well said.
@Rose, when I read this whole topic and replies there was so much I wasn't able to relate to. The term "sit with your pain" sounded like a catch phrase made up to sell a book. Of course you are sitting with your pain, wallowing in it, and trying to keep your head up and not drown in it. I also personally think talking about stuff in any way after a certain point hurts you. Its like revisiting a toxic atomic bombed site in your mind. Dredging it up only continues to hurt you afresh. I think my mind's axons and dendrites have paved new pathways away from those blasted out memories as a means of self preservation.
I think the "sit with your pain" advice is helpful for some people, myself included. For a long time in my marriage, I tried to tell myself that I wasn't hurt, that things were fine, that I wasn't suffering, and so on.
But now I am in the process of acknowledging the wounds and the hurts, and part of that process is letting myself grieve when the memories of the hurt and suffering pop up, rather than trying to numb or avoid or talk myself out of those feelings.
Of course, not all advice is helpful to all people! We all have to chew up the meat, spit out the bones, and apply what works for us and our situation.
@Rose, I've found that Kristen's posts bring out love, support and empathy in others, making it one of the nicest places on the Internet. To my mind and heart, making disparaging comments about fellow readers' "claptrap" and "toxic positivity" runs counter to what Kristen works hard to cultivate.
@Tiana, The funny thing is that I started making a mental list before of all the awful things that have happened to me in the past few years and I keep forgetting some, there are so many. I mean, my mother's suicide attempt? Forgot about it. Completely forgot. My best friend's death? That too. Losing my job? Covid stealing what was left of my health? The current financial eviction nightmare? Protective carapace, as I remember way other things first: divorce, my father's death, kid troubles. Sigh.
I swear I don't dwell on this stuff most of the time. I saw a whale jump out of the water yesterday and thought, "You need to stop worrying about crap that's over. That's what Someone is trying to tell you. Either that or grab a harpoon and go score some free whale meat."
Grace and peace to you today, dear Kristen.
You didn't specifically mention it but not taking offense. Forgiving. Including ourselves. Something I try to remember is what you focus on, you empower. So not mulling over situations ad ifinitum. It's a walk.
A lovely meditation on strength and love. I think often about the importance of aiming to be like bamboo: it bends to the wind but is incredibly strong, it goes back to its shape after the wind stops. And I think how important that has been in my life. Being this accepting of wind requires ultimately love and compassion for the self. If I can love myself and feel compassion for me, I can know that whatever I am going through it will be ok, because that love bolsters me. And I think often too that a joyful loving outlook is a choice we make every day; every day the vicissitudes of life threaten to be too much and we have to choose to see with loving eyes. and being loving requires an open heart. Things can hurt more but there are more opportunities to, well, love.
Well, this post is specifically about what I try to do when my troubles ARE caused by someone else.
When I have caused my own suffering, that's actually a little easier because I have a lot more control in that type of situation! I could just make different choices in the future.
But the times when someone else is causing our suffering? Those are the situations where it's easy to become bitter and resentful and hardened.
On another note (and this is going to be pretty direct for me!): I know that you have been reading my blog since at least 2016, and thus far, you have only left comments when you have something critical to say. I am a little puzzled as to why you keep reading my blog; perhaps there is another one out there that would be a less frustrating read for you. Or maybe you could consider leaving some helpful comments sometimes; I tend to take criticism a little more seriously when it's given by someone who has shown that they can do more than just criticize.
This song has always been a comfort to me when gathering the pieces of my broken heart and figuring how to put them back together again. God bless you, Carly Simon:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0A7jAVDPJU
I once had a puzzle that could be manipulated into many other shapes, but always be re-formed into a heart. Something like this:
https://www.puzzlemaster.ca/browse/wood/woodtangram/11072-minipuzzle-heartbreaker
Mine was made of clay, which was even more poignant, but this gives you the idea. A frugal person with DIY skills might even make one for themselves. It was weird, but seeing what I could "make" with the pieces of "my" heart was oddly comforting.
Hugs to you on this very difficult day, dear Kristen.
I always appreciate these posts and how they remind me to look at certain aspects of life more closely.
Back when I was younger, I went through a terrible time where I ended a long term relationship and lost my job in a 3 day period. I had already been struggling with depression and was far away from family, which made everything harder. It took me nearly a year to truly start the process of moving forward (moving close to family, getting a “good” job again, etc.). There is definitely a grieving process involved when you have to let go of your previous hopes and dreams and reorient yourself towards something new and unknown. The rollercoaster of emotions (sadness, fear, bitterness, anger, helplessness) can be a lot to handle. Even though, I’d rather not have had to endure past pain, I ended up feeling so much pride in being able to restart my life and recover from the bad times. For me, my heart has not been damaged beyond repair, but life has left a few scars over the years.
I’m glad you are finding ways to move forward and find the positives in life. That is a great super-power!
You have such a good heart.
I really appreciated your rollercoaster metaphor for your emotions, and being able to experience not only the lows, but the highs as well. It took me a long time to figure out, but for some reason seeing the parallels between grieving a death and grieving a relationship really helped me. It's such a funny thing to think about initially, but, for me at least, my divorce was a death in a sense. It was a massive, personal change and in my marriage I turned into a very different person to fit the mold it took to be with my husband. Once I no longer had those constraints, I had to remake myself from the inside. However, there is also such joy to rediscovering things I no longer did, and being able to fully chose exactly who I want to be and to not settle for less.
Oh yes! There are definitely similarities to grieving a death; I particularly think of how the first year after someone dies is especially hard, and how that is true when you grieve a loss like this as well.
I relate very much. I have been through divorce as well as widowhood. I found many similarities, especially when it came to the secondary losses that we experience when a significant relationship ends wither through divorce or death.
@Kate,
When my dear friend went through a divorce, I remember her confiding in me that she thought it would have been easier to be widowed because then she could move forward and only think positive thoughts about her ex. Instead, she was in the impossible position of feeling so angry and betrayed but she had to project positivity about her ex because he was still her daughter's father and she didn't want to alienate her from him. It was very hard for her, and I recall her pretending that he had died and that her ex was this new person she had to deal with respectfully and in a business-like manner. It seemed to help her grieve.
Over the years I have been to hundreds of workshops through institutes &1 thing stuck.
"U cannot control what overs do but u &only u are in charge of how u react. " It gives control back to u &that helps me realize I can choose to be better or reslient..
Kristen - Enjoyed reading your post today but know it was a difficult one to do. Thanks for your honesty and outlook. I think the way a person handles tough situations determines how they will fare on the other side. We all have our problems, at different times in our life, to deal with. I wish you only the best today and going forward. Thanks for the contemplation on topics easy and hard. I always enjoy reading them along with all the frugal advice you specialize in.
Kristen,
@Bee,
I wanted to tell you - before I had to run after the dog and accidentally pushed the send button on my phone—how much I admire the way you have approached this difficult time in your life. You have shown strength, understanding, kindness, and love. We need more of all these things in this world. Your light shines.
Thank you, Bee!
So many hugs to you, Kristen.
chin up. you are very much loved. you help so many people. sending love and comfort.
so sorry for what you are going through.
Kristen: My heart breaks for your broken family and you. I know this has probably been one of the hardest things for you to experience. I pray that with God's help maybe you and your husband can work things out and get back together and mend your broken hearts and be one heart again, not two broken hearts!! Please consider it, 25 years is a long time so make it count. I am praying for a miracle for you and your husband and your kids. Take care.
I love your approach. As someone healing from divorce after 22 years together, I have made it a habit to look for gratitude. Being grateful to have my place, my kids, and all of the sorts. Yes, there are days where the pain of the loss of a life planned leaves me angry, sad and melancholic. But I remind myself that I'm mourning the death of our marriage, one that had lovely moments and hardships. Gratitude empowers me to focus on the good and not dwell on the loss. Over the past year and a half, gratitude has helped me not become hard or embittered. It has helped me stay respectful towards my ex even angry moments. It has helped me be soft and kind towards my kids as they navigate this new normal (2 houses/homes and the sort) by recognizing the courage that it took to start this new phase.
Gratitude has kept me humble because it's made me realize there's a higher being paving my path (based on how quickly I was able to get on my own and settled) Gratitude is my "what can I do" strategy.
I'm sorry for your pain. Somebody commented (I can't find it again!) that hurting people hurt. That's one thing that helps me move past bitterness-- to realize that the one who is hurting me has been hurt, too (or is hurting or will be hurting because of his/her actions). That makes me feel pity, and pity helps me forgive.
@Jody S.,
Yes, that was me. Hurt people hurt, the saying goes. Often true and even understandable, though sad. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. Case in point: Kristen. She shows love and how to love even when she is being hurt. That’s character.
Your 'ramble' on your own life is helping many with their own lives and you really should pat yourself on the back for that. So many people choose to dwell on the negative these days.
Fifteen months ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 gastric cancer. What?? I don't have any of the risk factors and my youngest child was only 14. I could have cried.... I did lay awake an entire night trying to sort it all out. I was told I had a year to live and I said I'm not dying in a year or anytime soon for that matter. I told my girls I would fight to get as much time as I could (seeing as the metastatic disease meant I couldn't have surgery). I started chemo believing it was a blessing and a gift, and it has been. Everything about this journey has a silver lining, I can say that 15 months into it without a doubt. In fact, I was always a grateful and appreciative person but even more so now!
Sure there's hard bits every day, obstacles to overcome and sometimes tears. But every day I smile, embrace the sun and carry on. If nothing else, I'm showing my girls how to be strong. And hopefully, that's how they will remember me.
@Leann, you sound like an amazing woman. What an example you are setting. I’ll be thinking of you, your story really touched me. Thank you for sharing.
@E, I wholeheartedly agree with E - we're rooting for you big time, Leann
@Leann, please keep us posted. I'll keep an eye out for your comments.
Blessings to you and your daughters.
@E, Thank you, I am not amazing at all but I am willing to fight. I always say any of you facing the same uncertain future would do the same and I really believe that!
@Suz, Thank you, I do believe that positive energy, prayer or whatever it is people do is a wonderful gift!
@BJS, I lurked here for many years, one gift this cancer has given me is more time to myself, or at least down time. So hence, I comment more not just reply in my head, lol. Thank you for the blessings!
@Leann, My best friend (and oldest friend, since my oldest friend died two years ago, sigh) has less than two years to live. We're closer now than we have been since being college roommates. For once, someone understands the daily pain and exhaustion I'm in and we commiserate. She said yesterday that a terminal diagnosis is very freeing in many ways.
@Leann, keep fighting! I've known many people that beat the odds and doctor's predictions. You can too!
@Rose, I am so sorry about your friend. I can see how a terminal diagnosis would be freeing to some but I'm not quite there yet. I think because I carry a lot of worry as a single mum about my girls who are adopted from China. They've already been orphans once and I just can't believe that they're going to be again. It seems so unfair. So that burden alone doesn't quite allow me the freedom that your friend speaks of..... I do not know if it will ever come. I feel like I live entirely for my girls right now with little time or energy for myself. It's something I really need to think about going forward, I think. Such a strange life it is.
@Bobi, I am a now retired ICU nurse and that's what I told the surgeon - people beat the odds all the time! So that will be me. Actually, already is me. Thank you for the support!
Some of the strongest people I know have soft hearts. Can't say I've ever realized that before. I suppose that's emotional maturity at work. In any case, you can do hard things; indeed, you are. Gold stars.
Oh sweetie, I'm old enough to be your mother, so I'm sending a giant mama bear hug.
I have stood in your shoes.
Thank you, Anne.
Kristen, Sending you positive energy on a difficult day. You are among the most resilient people that I know.
Sending support and virtual hugs to you on this difficult day, Kristen.
Your outlook on situations, kind words, and beautifully-expressed wisdom are always inspiring to me. And I really appreciate that you're vulnerable with your readers. That's one of my favorite qualities in people.
I'm saying prayers for you and your kids.
Thank you. I needed this today. I am dealing with chronic pain issues and was feeling very sorry for myself today. Actually, right before I read this post, I was thinking that there is ALWAYS something that I can do for comfort or hope. Even if it is deep breathing or very gentle stretches.
Thank you for sharing this, Kristen - I've been struggling with how to be the best possible support to a friend in a similar situation. I can see how hard she's trying to NOT be bitter, and this is giving me good insight into how to support her attempts to keep a soft heart. (I'm also happy to hear her rants too, when she wants to complain, but that part comes easier to me since I get angry thinking about how my friend was wronged!)
Years ago I went through the grief of my first marriage breaking up. I cried almost non-stop that first year of separation. I felt sad and broken and really was very unsure how to do life without him. But I prayed for him and asked God to help me forgive him and forgive him and forgive him again(there were a lot of things that needed forgiving). This truly did keep me from becoming bitter. But I knew that some things that had slowly wrecked the marriage, I had tolerated, therefore I was at fault , too. At least that’s how I saw it. So I sought God’s forgiveness and healing as I tried to work through such a heart-wrenching life-changing experience. I was able to keep up with my full time job and though I didn’t feel like it, I kept saying yes to kind invitations to get with family and friends. These social gatherings helped me from getting too self-absorbed. I wasn’t sure how God could use me in such a broken state though and I was used to helping other people. I had heard about a Japanese technique called kintsugi used to repair broken pottery. Cracks or breaks were repaired with gold. The gold lines were thought to add beauty to the pottery. So I thought maybe God could somehow use me in spite of my broken heart and maybe the breaks could be healed and maybe my “scars” could speak of His bringing me out of this fiery trial shining like gold and testifying of His grace and love. That vision helped me move forward one day at a time.
I feel so sad for you, Kristen, for all that you are going through. I know the Lord is with you; He is the strength of your heart. You are coming forth as pure gold. That’s evident in all that you share of forgiveness and optimism and looking for beauty and in caring for others. I continue to pray for you. I’m so thankful you have family and friends and the Body of Christ to help you endure. Take time to cry when you need to and to laugh when you can. There’s healing in expressing both of those emotions. You are greatly loved.
Thank you so much, friend. You are always so sweet and encouraging to me.
Kristen, I realize I may not be part of your typical demographic, but you seem so open & safe. Years ago, I heard a podcast/news segment- I can’t remember where. The speaker was discussing how in the aftermath of 9/11, she didn’t know how to pray. So, she decided to inhale all the tower & plane victims suffering: inhaling their terror, & pain, & confusion and exhaling comfort & peace & strength. As a non- Christian, please know that I am inhaling your sadness, disappointment, hurt, & pain and exhaling comfort & peace & strength.
Aww, thank you, Diane! I can feel your kind caring through your comment; thank you for feeling my pain with me.
I think what kept my heart soft was the sympathy, commiseration, and support I got after bad treatment from my ex and some family members. It helped a lot and I realized I could do the same for others. Everyone has hard times of some sort. Realizing a kind word or a listening ear could make such a difference opened my eyes. And my heart.
Good wishes on a tough day, Kristen!
Dearest Kristin,
Today would have been my 47th wedding anniversary but I was divorced in 2001 and it was not my choice. I am much happier and more content with my new normal than I ever thought possible. I felt a twinge of sadness this morning and then I was thankful for God’s loving provision for me. He loves you and will never forsake you and that is the best news ever. Thank you for blogging so beautifully.
Love the trampoline metaphor! I often think about a rubber band - can be stretched beyond comfort but springs back - when going through hard times. But I think I like the trampoline more! I wanted to add some advice I received in a very tough period where the bad things didn’t feel survivable — read nonfiction accounts of people who went through something similar — if they wrote it, it means that they lived to tell the tale. It made me feel a lot less alone and hopeless.
I don't know why we get so attached to someone who doesn't deserve such devotion. Its not like there aren't signs along the way to warn us. Danger.Red flag. We would never put our hard earned pay in such a lousy investment where we lose everything. I don't want to be a marshmallow. I think I can be glad not to be saddled with someone who has so little honor.
@Tiana, Before it happened to me, I would have agreed with you, but sometimes there really are no red flags.
@Rose, I believe you, but most of us get warnings and instead think we can fix it when we never could. We couldn't see it was never an option.
Sometimes it is less about attachment and more about trying desperately to do what you think is right, and to keep your vows.
@Kristen, yes, but that person gets the devotion because of our beliefs and vows. And I do know people who have won them over because of a quite and mild spirit. But I also know if they want to go let them depart.
I admire your honesty, your bravery, and your grace, Kristen. Your honesty helps those of use who have been through heartache. The idea of having a strong, flexible, and resilient heart is just so beautiful. You show bravery every time you put your feelings about this incredibly difficult time out there for your blog community. And, you have shown such grace in a situation that is not only gut-wrenching for you, but for your girls as well. They are incredibly blessed to have such a strong role model in you. Thank you for allowing us in your blog community into a very vulnerable glimpse of your reality. Sending you a virtual hug on this difficult day!
Thank you!
Kristen, I love your spirit and positivity even in such a hard season of your life. Many years ago friend of mine added a new beatitude: Blessed are the flexible for they will not be broken. Hope today will be a good one!!!!
This is really beautiful, Kristen, and inspiring. Your mindset leads to choices that encourage healthy growth, wow. I've been struggling against bitterness for a while, and this post is just so encouraging. Many hugs to you as you walk through this season.
Anniversaries are hard! My thoughts are with you Kristen.
I am feeling very despondent since our grown son got sick after his 2 shots, and has had to move in with us.His entire quality of life is gone and we just can’t find the help we need to help him get better. I feel our family was blindsided by this awful turn of events and a lot of days I feel lost and sad. Reading of your struggles and how you move towards empowerment has reminded me to do the same. I don’t want to descend into bitterness.I want to get my “old life” back and want that for our son,also, but perhaps that’s not possible. But that still leaves room to reinvent things, to adjust, to change it up, to take care of myself better and to find the Joy in living again. I empathize with your heartache and I can’t imagine you ever sinking into bitterness or becoming brittle! I’ve been following your blog for years now, and your personality shines through and is an inspiration to the rest of us,especially in trying times.
@Madeline, From Covid? I'm about to go to my doctor and ask for blood thinners based on a few studies done in long Covid patients like me. Look it up--it may be micro-clots.
@Madeline,
Also, consider having his B12 levels checked. My brother in his twenties is suddenly ill from B12 deficiency after having a COVID infection, and he is taking B12 shots now that help a lot. My seven-year-old son was anemic after COVID and needed iron supplements so I think for some people a COVID infection causes vitamin deficiencies, and perhaps for some people the vaccines might as well, or also he could have had an asymptomatic COVID infection at the same time as getting vaccinated.
I'm very late to the party and can't speak to the emotional components of your situation but would like to share a bit of my mom's life. She was married young, divorced my dad while I was in school, raised me while juggling two jobs and an alcoholic boyfriend.
She was in her late 40s, when in the span of a year, I got married, she ditched the bf, both businesses she worked for shut down and her apartment building was sold. She was alone, jobless and homeless and pushing 50. But she was resilient, like you, and after a few tough years, she got a great job with a large corporation where she thrived, received many awards for excellence and earned an enviable retirement package. At the same time, she met a wonderful man and remarried. They had 34 terrific years until his death. She also fought cancer, diabetes and now dementia, but she's still a tough cookie. It's all about that can-do attitude!
Even though I don't know you personally, I know from reading this blog that you're going to need sunglasses because your future is bright!
I ....absolutely!....loved your ramblings.
Wonderful.... insightful. Thank you.
My life has been like a sad country song lately.....and sometimes it leads to darkness......
Your sharing has brightened my day and my thoughts.
Thank you so very much.
I'm so glad it was a blessing to you.
I think you have a great attitude and know that this is just a season you are going through. Life has a funny way of righting wrongs and if the marriage does end you can stand tall and feel proud for how you handled yourself.
Amen on being in control. Divorce and move onward!
This is such a beautiful expression of a complicated feeling ☺️
I’ve read this blog forever and never commented (enough about me…ha). Anyway, Kristen, the way you try to be true to yourself and others is commendable. I think anyone who shows their vulnerabilities to the world makes for a very confident person—and that they will get through life very well.
Kristen,
My own soft heart goes out to you! Others have said this and you have too, but you need to keep giving yourself a break. Most (if not all) of the things you say you "can't do" are not within your power since you (usually) cannot change other people, and you cannot change how they think about you. However, if you are lucky, you CAN manage, change, evolve YOURSELF.
So instead of saying, "I may not be able to. . " or "I can't fix. . ." Say instead? These things are out of my control.
Millicent
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; the courage to change that which can be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference
That's a good reframe; I like it.
Kristen,
This blog has always been filled with helpful advice and good suggestions--meals, decorating, painting furniture--and now you have added a new dimension. How to weather unexpected tough times. I love the way you included the photographs in this segment. You are giving your children a great example, and you are giving your readers even more reasons to stay tuned! Thank you and best wishes!
Thank you, Nancy!