Monday Q&A | Kids in the kitchen, Credit Card Rewards, and "We can't afford it."
How much help do you require of the kids in the kitchen? I know you have them help you with cookies, but that is more of a kids activity on purpose. I was wondering if you can give your kids any small assignments like dicing vegetables or kneading bread dough?
-Mara
I actually feel like this is a weak area for me. Because it's faster (at least it is now!) for me to do things, I struggle with not wanting to let the kids help.
But, I know it's good for them to learn, and that if I get through the teaching phase, they will actually be helpful in the kitchen. So, I'm trying to be better about this!
Lisey is a born domestic. She loves to sew and craft and bake and cook, so she's thrilled to pieces whenever I let her help me in the kitchen. She peels carrots and cucumbers, grates cheese, peels shrimp, cracks eggs, and stirs anything I ask her to. She doesn't knead bread dough yet, but she does help me to shape rolls.
I could definitely stand improvement when it comes to including my kids in the kitchen, though.
I think part of my problem is that while it's manageable to have one kid help, having 4 kids help is, well, not helpful. So, I'm thinking about working cooking into our homeschool year, maybe by letting each kid help me cook one night per week. Each person would get to help once a month, and I'd be more inclined to stick with it if I only had one helper at at time.
I'll let you know how this idea works out for us!
I've read about the rewards you've earned from your credit cards and I'm curious to know exactly what card(s) you have. I've tried looking at different ones, but there are so many options and I have no idea what to go for! Any credit card advice?
~Meredith
There are a couple of credit cards that I use on a regular basis...my main credit card is a rewards card from Chase that gives me 5% back on gas, groceries, and I think drug store purchases. I redeem my rewards from this card for $50 statement credits.
I also have a Discover card that gives us 5% back on gas, and we have an L.L. Bean credit card that gives us free shipping on our purchases.
I use our Discover rewards to get $25 L.L. Bean gift cards, which we use to buy work clothes for my husband. Since we're L.L. Bean credit card holders, we get free shipping on those purchases, which is awesome.
My best advice is to look carefully at the rewards information and to not settle for a card that gives you less than 1% back. Our Discover card gives us 5% cashback on gas, but for other purchases, the reward is something like a tenth of a percent. So, we only use that card for gas. My Chase card gives extra rewards for groceries and gas, but it gives 1% for other purchases, so I use that one for non grocery/gas purchase instead of my Discover card.
Also, make sure your card has no annual fee. There are multiple no-fee cards available, so don't get stuck with one that charges a fee.
And of course, I have to add that I would never, ever, ever recommend using a credit card unless you are 100% sure that you have the self-control and organization necessary to purchase only what you can pay off each month, and to remember to pay it off on time. A single late fee can eat up months and months worth of rewards, and interest charges can easily do the same.
I have a question (for you and your frugal readership) regarding declining invitations without always saying "we can't afford it". For instance - our extended family has an annual get-together. We're the only single-income family and live the farthest away. While we could afford to attend if we dipped into savings, that isn't always in line with our financial goals and present situation. We don't want to say "we can't afford to come" - and that isn't exactly true, but also can't decline with "seeing all of you isn't important enough to warrant sacrificing other financial goals". 🙂 For now we settle for attending every other time, but find it awkward to explain our absence when we see these relatives at other times.
Any thoughts???
-Stef
Hmm...though I'm a stickler for being as honest as possible, I really truly would not have a problem with using the "We can't afford it." line.
I'll explain why, using a hypothetical situation and our family as an example. Suppose that our family was invited to attend a destination wedding on a tropical island, and such a trip required a $5000 cash outlay (I know that's probably low, but this is all hypothetical).
Do we have $5000 that we could spend on such a trip? Yes, we do...but that money is our emergency fund, and a trip isn't usually an emergency.
Could we save up $5000 for such a trip? Yes, we could, but it would be to the detriment of our other savings goals, most of which are not optional. We need to save up for replacement cars, we need to save for retirement, we need to save up for Christmas, we need to save for our children's futures, and so on.
I think it's important to look at savings goals the same way we look at other monthly bills. I wouldn't consider not paying my car insurance bill so that I could take an unnecessary trip, and so I wouldn't consider skipping my monthly car savings contribution so that I could take a trip.
I know that might seem a little bit hard-nosed, but if you don't look at savings goals the same way you look at bills, you'll likely end up being in a position where you can't afford to pay the bills (multitudes of people do this at Christmastime....they don't save up for it all year long, and end up not being able to foot the bill that arrives in January). And who cares if the extended family doesn't view savings goals this way? You do, and that's all that matters. The extended family doesn't need to know that the "bills" that leave you without travel money are actually savings goals.
So, I would continue to show up every other year, and I'd confidently and honestly explain that though you'd love to see everyone each year, your family simply cannot afford to come each year (and you might follow that up with an invitation for people to come and visit you!).
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Readers, I look forward to hearing your thoughts and ideas on these three questions.
I have the same problem with saying "we can't afford it." My stepfamily has a get-together for every occasion, almost always at a restaurant. They're not exorbitantly expensive restaurants, no, but these get-togethers are often last-minute. Do we have the money to spend? Yes. But it's earmarked for other things. I have a hard time saying "we can't afford it" in that situation, because it feels like I'm lying and saying we're destitute (which in turn induces pity and offers of help from my parents!), when really I just mean that we've already spent our fun money budget for the week or month and are saving for other things.
It's tough because we're the only single-income family who isn't making a fortune with a family business. 🙂
@Stef - We have the same issue. Yes, we COULD attend every single family get-together, but we don't. My reason is usually that I have a limited number of vacation days, and I can't spend them all on one vacation. The every-other visit is a good compromise. Besides, you have to visit the other side of the family, too.
@Kristen re: cooking. PLEASE teach your children to cook, even basic meals. My dad (who's the cook in my family) never taught me to cook. Consequently, I can only make a few things, and I wish that weren't the case. My broccoli never turns out quite like his, sigh. I think adding cooking to your homeschool routine is a great idea.
Molly, if you're interested in learning, I recommend "365 Ways to Cook Chicken," which is one of the books I learned to cook from. (There are many others in the series but I haven't used them so can't recommend one way or the other.) The recipes are simple, often frugal, and generally tasty.
How does your father cook broccoli?
Hi WilliamB - I'm learning slowly. (I'm actually a vegetarian, but thank you for the tips!) I started with Italian food, like pizza (which tickles the baking part of me) and pasta.
Broccoli - steamed. But not overly steamed like school lunch broccoli. It was still slightly crunchy. I think my problem is I turn on the steamer and forget about it.
Oops - sorry! I switch my rec to Mark Bittman's "How to Cook Everything Vegetarian" but not as wholeheartedly. His recipes are good but I haven't read his instructions with the learning cook in mind.
Overly steamed broccoli is nasty stuff that's turned off many an unfortunate from the wondressness that is good broc.
To solve the "forgot about it" problem, allow me to recommend you cook it in the microwave instead. The microwave will turn itself off. Put the broccoli and maybe 1/4" water in a mostly-closed container, nuke. How long it takes will depend on how you like your broc and how powerful your microwave is, so experiment 30-60 sec at a time.
Overcooked pureed broccoli + liquid + spices = soup. For spices try whatever you'd normally use on broccoli plus and a little vinegar OR a few drops of Tabasco.
Have you tried roast veggies? Here's the version for broc: preheat oven *and* rimmed pan (ie, not a cookie sheet) to 500F. Wash and dry broc, cut into florets that are about the same size. Toss with a mix of oil, vinegar and spices (asian: soy sauce + sesame or peanut oil + rice wine vinegar or mirin; Italian: italian salad dressing). Spread broc on hot pan, cook till you like the texture which will probably be 5 min or less. You'll have to hover around the oven till you get the hang of it.
WilliamB,
stepping off the teaching soapbox
Hi Molly, my favorite way for cooking broccoli is to blanch it. All you do is boil a pot of water, drop the broccoli in when the water reaches a rolling boil, and take it out with a slotted spoon after 1 or 2 minutes. It's delicious hot or cold! For cold, shock it in ice water quickly after cooking to stop the cooking process and keep it crisp. I also like to mix in a little dark sesame oil, soy sauce, chili flakes, and sesame seeds.
In regards to the last question I try to budget for "fun money" so that in case a once in a lifetime chance came up, I could hopefully afford it. What usually happens is that I decline anyway.
My brother hates when I say "I can't afford it" because usually I can afford it. he'd rather I was a bit more honest and say, "I'd rather not spend the money on it." It's harder to say that to family wanting to get together than it is to say that to people who want to know why you still have a small TV or a paid off old car or something.
@Stef
This isn't much different than saying "we can't afford it" but I've found sometimes the subtle shift to "it's just awfully expensive" or something similar, makes people see your point a little bit better. That way you're not lying by saying you can't afford it when you can, and you're reminding whoever you're speaking to that your family is paying more time and money to attend than others are.
Also, is there any way you could lobby to have the location of the family reunion changed to somewhere closer to you?
As for the kids helping in the kitchen. I think every child (boy or girl) should be self suffusion.
I think your idea of having each help one day a week/month is a good idea. I know its hard when they are young, (make a mess better then actually doing something) but...
I was making a crumb cake yesterday, and my 2 yr old wanted to help... and getting pissed because I really wasn't letting her... So I let her pour the dry ing. into the bowl. It seem to make her happy!
also agree with another poster, to add it to your home schooling!
I've been thinking about how to decline something that's too expensive for one's taste. I think the problem with "We can't afford it" is not that it's blunt but that it's binary: you can or you can't which makes it easy for a disgruntled family member to call one's bluff. So the right answer should be one along the same lines but not quite that uncompromising.
Here are a couple I've thought of. I'm sure there are many, many others.
- That's rather pricy for us.
- It's not within our budget right now.
I agree and have used "it isn't in the budget right now" phrase a lot lately. It is the truth. We have spent money in the wrong areas in the past 10 years and are now trying to recover our credit and start savings. That means we have to stay firm on not splurging. It often looks as if we are broke because I can't spend $5 on a Starbucks stop any more. If it isn't planned it can't be spent.
I found saying I was broke was often responded with "I'll lend you a few dollars". Although I was thankful someone wanted to volunteer money I found it hard to deny the offer or explain that I didn't want the loan because I didn't want to pay it back. The budget line helped stop the guilt.
I have 2 problems with saying "we can't afford it."
1. I feel like it is lying when we have the money. I see your reasoning though, but for us if we say "i can't afford it" it induces pity like another poster mentioned and then my already strapped family will try to help us out, because they want us to have their same standard of living, even if we don't see it that way.
2. I feel like by having a budget, we are able to OWN our choices and finances in a way others do not. To say "i can't afford it" takes me back to being a victim where I am ruled by my money. I'm not. We have decided to take charge of our finances and part of that is making the CHOICE to spend or not spend on certain things and to be more disciplined in our finances. We really try to limit this attitude because I feel like it instills in our kids an attitude of wanting (i.e. we wanted such and such (and such and such, and such and such) but we "couldn't afford it" woe is us. We would rather focus on our blessings and what we are doing instead in the positive and leave those "lacking" words out of our vocabulary.
What we do instead is to put it on the table and let my family know that we probably *could* afford it but it would mean sacrificing other family goals that are important to us, such as getting out of debt, having an emergency fund, giving, etc. and to remind them that we are making the choice to live simply and that we have to plan specifically.
However, I would work hard to work those things into my budget. If we save and budget for a family vacay every year then I would probably try to work it into that. If we go out to eat anyway, then I would try to save for a family get together.
I try to just remember that everything in life is about choices and priorities.
That is a good point about family then trying to help out. I hadn't thought about that.
Fortunately, this sort of problem doesn't happen in my family, so I've not had to face this personally.
I don't have issues with the phrase, "I can't afford it.", though. When my kids want to buy something but they don't have the money, that's just how it is. I mean, I want to teach them to be grateful for what they have, but they also need to learn to cheerfully say, "I'd love to have this, but I can't afford it right now."
I do agree that, if it's possible in any given family, that being very open is a good idea. It just probably wouldn't work in some extended families.
I see your point, we just prefer to put it in the positive ("I can save my money if I want this badly enough," etc.) rather than the woe is me I can't afford it kind of mentality. But, like you always say we all have to do what's best for our families 🙂
For me, I don't think the "we can't afford that" phrase has as much of a poor me connotation as it does for you. I've only felt blue about our finances a handful of times in 13 years (and it's not because it's been easy going! lol). But definitely if the phrase doesn't work for you, you shouldn't use it!
exactly, if you're comfortable with always saying "we can't afford it" then that's fine--it's what works for you. That's what I'm saying as well, we all have to do what's best for our own family. 🙂
Also, I live in an economically depressed area and am surrounded by people who "can't afford" food and other necessities for their families, but who smoke 2 packs of cigarettes every day. So, I guess that's a part of where the choice part comes in for me. Yes, there are certainly some things that you just genuinely cannot afford, but there are also things that (for better or worse) you choose not to afford.
I never make myself very clear in typing...you'd think that having an English degree would help me express myself more accurately but no such luck 🙂
Also, I think it's a little different to compare kids vs. intentionally frugal adults since obviously your children do have less "choice" and resources where finances are concerned. But that's part of our job--to teach them to make responsible choices when it IS their choice to make.
@Crystal: I'm with you on this one. In Stef's example above, I would explain that the "cost is prohibitive" or something to that effect. I think the subtle shift in language (as mentioned by a commented above) makes it more about the actual cost rather than about my personal financial choices.
I don't really agree with Kristen on this one. (A rare occurance!) In many cases, I *could* afford the item, but it would be at the expense of a different item. For me, I *could* afford to go out to dinner twice a week, but then I wouldn't be able to afford other things, for example a vacation. I *choose* to make an annual vacation for my family a priority over eating out. I also choose to hire someone to do the heavy cleaning in my home, and I've made other financial changes to accomodate that.
Each of us makes our own financial choices, and I don't feel the need to justify the details to everyone in my family, especially not in a casual conversation. But to me, saying "I can't afford it" feels, while perhaps not an outright lie, somehow also not like the whole truth.
When my husband & I are faced with the same dilemma - being invited to an event we just 'cannot afford'. We simply say when we decline to attend, "it's just not in our travel budget this year". We don't feel guilty or have ever encountered any ill will from that response.
UGH. I really HATE it when people say "I can't afford it", when in reality, they mean "I don't want to spend money on that" . Okay, that is fine if you don't want to spend money on something, just say it! We all have the right to make choices with our money. Absolutely! Just don't play the "I'm poor" card when it is patently OBVIOUS that you had the money all along. I am talking about people who say they can't afford something, then spend thousands of dollars on something that clearly, EVERYONE CAN SEE IN THEIR HOUSE. 😀
re: Cooking - I think teaching my children to cook is one of the greatest gifts I can give to my children as a life-skill - financially AND health-wise. Currently, they are 3 and 4.5 but I always encourage them to be around while I am cooking. I am super paranoid about boiling liquids, but other than that, am fairly relaxed. I know loads of loads of folks who never actually learned to cook from their parents, but just by the virtue of hanging out in the kitchen, they picked up on a lot. An ex-boyfriend of mine always hung out with his mom, never actually DID anything, but all those years of observation were put to good use when he moved to the US. He was the one who taught ME how to cook, actually.
Ooh yes, it's quite different if someone is sporting Jimmy Choos and says they can't afford to go out for coffee with you. lol
Yes! Geez Louise, people -- just tell the truth - if you don't want to spend $4 on over-priced coffee, I actually can RESPECT that.
Yep! That's part of my issue with the phrase as well. We all make choices and have priorities with our money (time, etc.) every single day. It really bothers me that people won't own their choices and take responsibility in life sometimes.
I don't think "we can't afford it" equates with "I'm poor" or a desire for pity. If it doesn't fit into my budget, I can't afford it. End of story. It doesn't mean I think I'm poor. It definitely means I didn't make space in my budget for it, which is a choice.
I guess what I am saying is that I see "I can't afford it" and "I'm making the choice not to afford it" as being 2 different things, while some people may not, and that's fine.
For me it's the difference of cannot and will not, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just own it. If you have $20 and something costs $50, then you cannot afford it. If you have $70 but you have $50 designated to savings then you are choosing to do something differently with your money (which is great). But, I know people see things differently, part of what makes life interesting. lol...it would be boring if we all thought the same.
Please update us on teaching your kids to help in the kitchen, when you get started on it. I have a baby girl who is 1 and I would love to hear how it goes, especially with your youngest.
I agree with your thoughts on "we can't afford it" - but I also think that travel can be so very educational and important. There is so much that we can't see in our neighborhood that affects our lives and who we are. I think family is part of this, but I also think the experiences you have during travel last longer than those everyday ones. My fondest memories are trips we took - even if they were simple driving trips when we didn't have a whole lot of money. I know your post wasn't really about travel in that respect, but just something I wanted to share.....
I do think travel is a good thing...we save up money every month all year long so that we can take our kids on vacation, and when Zoe's a little bit older, we'll try to vary where we go so that our kids can see different places. 🙂
I just wouldn't want to do that if it meant that we had to neglect other more essential budget items (in a case like that, we'd figure out how to do some really cheap trips).
Regarding cooking:
I have no idea what state you live in, but in Oregon we have a fantastic Extension Service out of Oregon State University. Through this, we do 4-H as a summer activity. My oldest child will be in first grade this year, and I've enrolled him in a 4-H cooking club with myself as the leader.
The extension staff provides fabulous age-appropriate materials and learning lessons for him. It's a way to continue his education during the summer without it feeling like "school." In this way, I am compelled to cook with him, usually once per week, and he is learning how to read recipes, basic measuring, etc. We are in no way required to meet a schedule, though.
Next month, he will get to enter a no-bake cookie recipe and freezer jam in our county fair and earn a ribbon for it.
The cost is nearly free. I think I paid $2 for his 4-H member insurance. They provide all the teaching materials for free.
I think the easiest and most truthful thing to say to family if the annual trip doesn't align with your budget is "Not this year." It's really none of their business what you can and cannot afford. And why can't they vary the location of this get-together? If they are all willing to spend money to go somewhere together, why can't it be nearer to you?
Are you really far from the family reunion? One of my friend's families chips in to bring a sister to family reunions every couple of years. She lives in New Zealand while the rest all live in the Pacific NW or Alaska. Clearly the cost is much more for her, so they each chip in some $$ in the interest of having her included. They don't think of it as pity, just as evening up the costs.
Thanks for answering my credit card question, Kristen! I'm definitely not the type that would abuse one, but I think I'll start with just a gas card and see how that goes. My husband and I don't have any credit cards at the moment and we probably need to start earning credit if we want to buy a house or car in the future!
on the "can't afford it" bit:
I use the statement "It just doesn't fit into our budget right now." I'm actually planning to use that exact statement to turn down a wedding invitation to a friend of my brother-in-law - it's in Chicago, and just driving out there plus a gift is something we can't do right now.
I like the idea of talking with the family about evening out the cost. We're one of the few living outside the Chicago area for my MIL's family, and they sometimes chip in on gas money for us to get there (it's about $100 miles round-trip just for gas).
I think "it's not within our budget" is the most honest answer. You are not lying and explains better that you have different financial goals for your money.
This is the phrase I choose to use, it doesn't come across quite as negatively as "I can't afford it". The "It's not in our budget, or That's not in our budget right now" comes across more like, "Yes we have some money, but we have more important things that it is designated for". . . I don't know, but I like it better. Especially when invited to all of those home parties where you expected to buy something. I love getting together with friends, but I hate feeling obligated to buy things that aren't in my budget.
I have a lot of money in savings (divorce settlement), but that money is basically what I'm going to use to get myself through school when I'm not working. I don't factor that money into my regular monthly budget, because it's already spoken for! When I tell people I "can't afford it," I don't feel like I'm lying, because that money is essential for my family's future.
In similar situations I often use the phrase "it's not in the budget" because while there are many things I can afford, I can't afford ALL things so I make choices that are best for me & my home.
Thanks for posting my 'can't afford it' question, Kristen, and thanks everyone for such great ideas!! I think we'll try the 'not in the budget' explanation next time. If we say "we can't afford it", our parents offer to help with the cost. We're appreciate of their generosity, but would rather just not attend (plus that can become awkward among siblings). We have been petitioning for a closer location...maybe next year that will work out!!
Thanks everyone!!
Normally when I turn down family get together invites its because I just got married a year ago and we're trying to establish our own way of doing things. We can't be in Australia, Texas and California at the same time.
If we were invited somewhere and we don't have money set aside specifically for that, I'm not sure what we'd say. We can't afford it isn't accurate. But we view money differently than some family members who just charge everything. I'd probably just decline the invite, say maybe next year. It's been more challenging to pick where to spend the holidays/etc just since these are our first ones as "one".
Great discussion -- I think "we can't afford it right now" is perfectly acceptable. It means what Kristen and most of the commentators have stated: that, given our current budget and savings and general comfort level with our particular finances, we cannot spend that money right now on a given event. I never feel that I owe further explanation, or that absolute "honesty" as to the specifics of my savings is required. Do we have savings? Yes, indeed. Are these savings the sum total of our assets, required to take us into our golden years and beyond? Why, yes. Is someone else going to jump in and bail us out if we misappropriate our hard-earned life savings? I think not -- only Wall Street and great hedge funds seem to be afforded that luxury (sorry -- couldn't resist!) Therefore, I feel perfectly justified in "not affording" some things, and not from a "poor me" place, as some readers have reported -- and I really do feel their annoyance at that response from well-meaning family and friends! But I think It comes from a place of strength to survey your means and to live accordingly; by "not affording" sometimes we gain the ability TO afford when it counts.
WilliamB, I have stolen your soapbox! Sorry to blabber on -- enjoyed this really thoughtful discussion . . .
I have sort of a similar problem with declining invitations in general. We're a single income family just barely getting by, and we live on the same property as our landlords. They are our friends and consider us "family", which is a good thing per se, but it has become a little problematic for us because they entertain a lot. They have a large family, and by that I mean 4 grown children and 17 grandchildren! We get invited to almost every one of the grandkid's birthday parties and all the family functions, it's gotten to the point that I've just stopped going to any of them in the last year. It just gets to be too expensive, and my husband and I both have large extended families and other friends. But since we're so close to our landlords I'm starting to feel some tention with them and their family, especially if they know we've accepted another friend's invitation. What would be a good thing to say or do?
Sorry, I meant to say "tension".
Interesting discussion for sure.
With the landlords, it seems to reasonable that a frank conversation might be in order. If your relationship makes it possible, perhaps just mentioning that you'd love to participate but often schedule and budget does not allow would resolve things? I would guess they want you to feel included and interpret your declining as a desire to stop being included rather than a desire to stop bleeding money on gifts for their grandkids. Surely a gracious, "Thank you so much. We hate to miss it but have other plans" would go a long way? Then suggest a time to get together just you and the landlords instead. Or attend family events when you can and give a thoughtful but free gift (e.g., a handmade card with warm wishes for a happy day or a picture you took of that child with their grandparents, etc) If you're invited as friends of the grandparents instead of friends of kids and grandkids, surely keeping your focus on that relationship can keep things on a more even keel?
RE: the original post, I married into an extended family with shocking amounts of money and have often had to navigate similar situations. I cannot count how many times my husband and I have been invited to family events that are well within the means of other family members but blatantly outside our budget. This is complicated by the fact that we are truly upper middle class and feel ourselves quite financially fortunate given our age and life circumstances. It is complicated also by the fact that other family members have similar income levels to ours but less frugal lifestyles.
So when invited to family events we cannot afford, often we find ourselves declining on the basis of $$ and others - who have similiar income - accepting time and time again. It is awkward, difficult and - frankly - painful for us to know that our financial responsibility costs us time away from family members and, in the long run, relationships with that family for our kids. Still, I cannot justify compromising their financial future so we can participate in financial irresponsibility with other family members.
The response of "we can't afford it" doesn't work because it inspires pity (as some already mentioned) and particularly pity that is misplaced. For us, it also feels like we're teaching our kids the 'woe is me' attitude that we can't afford something when the truth is we don't value something enough to prioritize it over things we believe are more important.
Worst of all, claiming we can't afford something often incites wealthier members of the family to offer payment on our behalf. That means not just accepting money we really don't want, but normalizing for our kids a standard of living we don't want them to normalize. Living responsibly is our choice and one we hope our kids will make. Accepting inappropriate gifts (an expensive vacation, over the top dinners, etc) is a choice we hope they'll decline. We've seen other kids within the family come to believe that these luxuries are a birthright and something they ought not be denied. It's easy to believe that we really "deserve" to eat out whenever we want rather than whenever our budget offers space for it. And isn't that the thinking that leads us down a road of financial irresponsibility in the first place? We hope our children will grow up with a healthier view of their finances by declining such gifts as often as not.
Instead, we try to teach our kids that we put our money where our values lie. And when responding to family invitations, we've tried to stick with a response more along the lines of, "Thank you, but we've budgeted our money elsewhere." It's honest, concise and allows everyone a little more comfort. If someone then offers to pay our way and thereby give us a gift, we can accept or decline based on everyone having accurate information. And we can feel good about teaching our kids honesty in addition to our financial values.
This was an excellent post and very well said! I appreciate the suggestions and reasons behind them. Thanks!
LOVE THIS RESPONSE. It is dead on.
I have a folks in my life who frequently say "we/I can't afford it" - even to things that cost $10, then these folks spends thousands and thousands of dollars on other things. I don't have an issue with the choices being made, I have an issue with the We Are Broke message that is constantly portrayed.
Just like Stef, I find I have a hard time with turning things down for monetary reasons. I've found personally that it's more palatable to simply say "It's not in the budget." It's completely true and it's a nice subtle way of letting people know that we're watching our spending.
I guess I'm just from a different era... And unabashadly blunt.
If I say...."I"m sorry, I won't be able to attend. I hope you all will have a good time."....that is the end of the conversation. Period.
I'm not saying anything about my budget, my plans or giving a reason.
To me, anything more is inviting someone into your personal business and your budget is NOT their business. I understand wanting to be polite, and wholehardly agree with declining with grace. I just draw the line at explanations.
I said I couldn't come.
I apologized for missing said event.
I wished you good times at said event.
The End.
**hops down off my soapbox and goes to google "frozen and jam"**
I love it! I always feel like I have to explain, but I'd like to be able to pull off the blunt thing like you. lol
I'm with you on this one. The only people who hear we can't afford something are our own kids. Otherwise, no explanations.
On the "we can't afford it" question...
Our solution was to start using the phrase "it's not in our budget". It's true, in accordance with your financial decisions, and helps encourage those that hear it that may be in the same boat. SOMETIMES people can say "we can't afford it" in a way that implies they are discontent or that God isn't properly providing for them. This phrase avoids all that. Hope you find a solution to this and don't feel guilty for sticking to your financial decisions that you feel are best for your family!
I know exactly what you mean about children helping in the kitchen! Mine are 11, 9 and 6 (2 girls and 1 boy) and they have always been VERY keen to help with the cooking/baking/kitchen activities. Which is great. I'm actually extremely keen that they should all be able to cook a range of simple meals, and not think that cooking pasta and heating a jar of tomato sauce constitutes *real* cooking. ( My friend works in the Food Technology department at a local secondary school, and this is what a 13 year old said to her in one lesson. It probably says much about what food the family regularly eats at home.) I work as a teaching assistant in our village primary school, and the majority of children cannot identify basic kitchen equipment (a ladle?) or perform simple tasks. I love cooking, and my children often end up explaining to their teachers how you cook or bake something. 🙂
However, on an ordinary weekday evening, when tea just needs to get on the table, I have been known to (frequently!) sneak off to get it cooked before a little voice says "can I help you?"
During one of my placements in a daycare centre I did the cooking project with them. Even preschooler's can learn about measurement, weight, length,time, temperature, reading (recipes) etc. Cooking and baking is an excellent place to learn math skills, even toddlers learn to pouring, stirring and counting skills. My girls love to bake and I rarely bake without them. Their favorite is mixing colours for playdough 🙂
Wanted to leave some tips on the kids cooking. My son loves to cook. He's only 5 but would even watch the cooking shows on PBS in the afternoon. One of the first things he did was peel veggies. At first not much of the carrot was left but it didn't take long to get the hang of it and my mom-in-law was so impressed. He was 3. They always want to stir. I invested in some stainless steel bowls with a 'rubber' bottom and a handle, that way the bowl would stay in place even when the kids forgot to hang on. Sifting is kind of hard for kids but you can try. I have a chopper where no blades are exposed that they use. I have taught the 9 yr old to use a knife. Always supervised. Knife selection is hard for even adults. One of her friends was over while we were preparing dinner. I asked her to chop something, it was obvious she didn't have a clue. making biscuits and bread is pretty easy to help with and my son will tell you all about the cinnamon rolls he makes by himself. I always put everything in and out of the oven. I measure because he can't yet read that's something my 9 yr old can do. You can teach math while doing this also. They do not help with canning. Even I tend to get boiling water splashed on myself. Plus kids on not the best on washing hands etc 🙂 My philosophy has always been to let them try. I think it's kind of obvious when they don't yet have the skill level and then of course you can teach them how to clean up! Happy cooking with the kids.
Yep, my son is just 2 still but he LOVES helping mom in the kitchen 🙂 He's not so great at the stirring (he tends to splash anything and everything out of the bowl still! lol...wet or dry). But, I measure ingredients and let him pour, and he'll get things out of the fridge that he can handle, and he'll already name most of the ingredients as I'm pouring them in. Which, I think is pretty good since there is such a lack of baking these days, there are 10 year olds who couldn't name basic baking ingredients like baking powder, etc.
He also does other things in our kitchen and garden. He is awesome at picking veggies and can even tell when they are ripe and ready. He even shucks the corn, and does it well (and has since LAST summer when he wasn't even 2 yet!). Kids are more able than we give them credit for sometimes, you just have to find what they are interested in and/or make it interesting and fun for them.
Although, I TOTALLY get that it's much easier without "help" sometimes! lol.