"I'm not willing to spend money on that"
In my Frugal Girl Facebook group, reader Reese shared this article and said:
Has loud budgeting been talked about? I'm usually pretty polite about saying, "No thanks!" But I don't think I've been as verbal about saying, "I'm not willing to spend money on that." I feel like I'm perceived as condescending when I say it....I would LOVE thoughts on it!
So as it turns out, I did write a post about loud budgeting last year. I mean, I am a frugality blogger. 😉 I have never been shy when it comes to talking about saving money.
But in that post, I didn't really address your question.
I was talking more about my propensity to be very open about my money-saving efforts ("Oh yeah, I got that off of my Buy Nothing group!") and you are asking more about how you can politely say, "No." to a spending request.
I'm guessing you're thinking of situations such as when someone invites you to an expensive outing, or is being pushy about a purchase ("You really need to buy X.")
I honestly think your "No, thank you." response is perfect and needs no alterations. As they say, "No." is a complete sentence.
But also...I would feel completely not-like-myself if I just said a plain-Jane "No." I'm not a one-word person.
So I think I'd probably want to add something on, and if I did, I'd try to keep it positive by including a shareable money goal.
I wouldn't say, "No, I'm not willing to spend money on that."
I would say, "No, thank you! I'm really trying to stick to my budget so I can replace my car/pay off my student loans/fly to see my grandma."
I also think that when appropriate, it can help to suggest an alternative; if someone suggested meeting at a restaurant, you could suggest coffee (it's cheaper than dinner) or a walk. You could invite them for dinner at your house or for a baking session in your kitchen.
(You may remember that Reese is a very expert baker so honestly, I don't know why anyone would turn down this suggestion.)
If they won't take a no...
I wrote the above on the presumption that the interaction is positive.
But if someone will not take no for an answer or is being unpleasant, I would go to something more like "No, I'm not willing to spend money on that." or "No, and I'd like to be done talking about it." possibly followed up by a tactful subject change.
Other advantages of loud frugality
One last thought: if you are already casually loud about your frugality (like me!), then you have set the stage with your friends/acquaintances, and they are probably not going to be super shocked if you say no to something expensive.
They'll already know it's right on-brand for you. 😉
Oh, one more thing before I open it up to you guys (can you tell I'm just writing this post off the cuff? Ha!): another advantage of being loud about your frugality is that you will probably naturally acquire some like-minded people in your friend circle.
If you mention mending or cooking at home or buying second-hand, that will make other frugal people in your vicinity perk up and want to be your friend. 😉
I like the response, " No, I'm saving my money for....". I use something similar when asked for donations/fundraising at my kids' schools if I think what they're asking for is too much/inappropriate. I tell my kids that I won't give money for that but explain I do give money/time in other ways.
However, if someone not close to me is asking me to spend money, I have no problem with just saying no.
@mbmom11,
"oh wow, that sounds amazing, I can totally see why you bought / did that. I'll certainly give it some thought. We're saving up for X, so we need to plan carefully! But on that subject, HOW CRAZY is the price of butter / meat / electricity? Where do you go for yours?'' and thus the conversation moves forward. Everyone is validated, no one is left feeling judged or slighted.
If you're in a social situation and don't want to make it awkward for whatever reason, you go (slightly regretful expression) that sounds amazing, I can see why you love (the thing), I'll definitely give it some thought.'' and then change the subject or move away in some way.
''That sounds incredible! Your trip / car / marble flooring is just so lovely, are you loving driving it / going through the photos / organising your furniture to show it off - I would be!'' and be really (not sarcastically) pleased for them. People love talking about themselves, I know I do (lol) so this often gets the conversation moving nicely onward.
I think at this point, most people around me know that I'm frugal (though they prefer to call me cheap) so I admit I don't run into these social situations much any more. I will note that when I worked with more older people there was a big urge on their part to brag on toys or cars or whatever these conversations came up. I used to get asked about fundraisers, going in on lottery tickets etc. which I would always decline (my favorite lottery response was, "When you guys win you'd better bring in pizzas from [local pizza place] or take us all out to lunch!" )
With a lot of the younger guys just getting started out now I don't come across this as much. It could be that a lot of them have smaller children or aren't yet married and are just getting started out in the world.
@Battra92, You bring up an interesting point about people previously bragging about their toys, going in on lotteries, fundraisers, etc. The ones I hated the most were being asked to contribute to gifts for co-workers I barely knew, I did it several times against my better judgment then finally screwed up the nerve to say no because I literally couldn't afford it. I took some backlash at first, but finally stopped getting asked.
Anyway, I realized when you mentioned this that these things don't happen as often to me anymore either. I'm wondering if it's really an age thing (you mentioned the behavior in older co-workers) but I think it might just be a paradigm shift in the workplace. Anyone else want to comment?
@Bobi,
Gen Z employee here-- every time we've done group gifts, it was made very clear by the organizers (who are Millennials/Gen X) that participating was optional, not expected, and any amount given was appreciated! I couldn't even imagine doing a group lottery ticket purchase, but maybe that's just different workplace culture!
@Bobi,
I once worked at a place where, among many other bad situations, a worker on the next level up would strong-arm you to buy boxes and boxes of Girl Scout cookies "from" her daughter. It was actually from her, as the child didn't bother to come sell 'em at all, and may not have tried to sell anywhere else, either. (The ugly/unfair/outrageous thing was the kid was getting all kinds of rewards for (her mom's) selling the most cases, over and above the little girls who actually did the selling themselves. I should've reported them to the GS office!) I just (politely) let her know that I once broke a tooth on GS cookies (the Ginger Snaps, be aware of those, they're as hard as rocks!) and never got reimbursed for the $400 + dental bill for the crown. (I called the GS hq and they acted like I was a con artist and the receptionist refused to take my name; I was just calling to see if the possibly had insurance that could cover situations like this.). So not being able to afford high dental bills, I made it a rule never to buy GS cookies again. That did not go over well with Monster Mom. Most of the workers she supervised, being scared to death of her, bought 2 or 3 boxes every week. (A few months later I was "made redundant," as the British would say, and I couldn't be happier about leaving. Esp. since their unemployment payments paid my way to become certified in a new career field. Which paid way better and had nicer people around me. So the joke is on them.)
Since then, I've never been approached to buy anything for anyone's kid, and the only gift-giving thing I've done is when a young male coworker's wife was about to have their first baby. We had a shower for him, in which we brought in packages of disposable diapers. The boss let it be known that buying diapers was optional; if you didn't want to shell out for anything, just come celebrate and eat the cookies and punch anyway. The new daddy got a mountain of Pampers (and other brands), as everyone wanted to help. Some folks even brought diaper and baby product coupons (not sure if it was in lieu of, or in addition to, the diapers).
When we've had deaths among coworkers' families, or if someone is hospitalized, they usually send flowers on our behalf (the company pays, we don't) and we pass around a greeting card for everyone to sign.
@Fru-gal Lisa, yeah those types of bosses are the worst!
@Bobi,
"Younger" Boomer here (ha ha, I was born right near the end) working with other Boomers, Gen X/Millennials/Gen Z folks. We do occasionally have gift giving occasions at work, such as baby showers or retirement parties. Everyone has the opportunity to participate/give $ toward a gift, but no one is pressured into doing so. No one is made to feel badly if they don't contribute, or if one person gives (smaller amount $) vs (higher amount $). Most recently, we all contributed to buy a garden center gift card to a work friend who lost her mother after a brief but terminal illness; this friend is an avid gardener, and was brought to tears by our gift (she intends to buy a tree to plant in her yard, in honor of her mom).
We do other optional things, like we have a "birthday treat" sign up sheet - you pick someone and bring in a birthday treat for all to share on their birthday. (It can be homemade or store bought, it can be breakfast coffee cake or muffins, it can be lunch or part of lunch! We have some fabulous cooks and bakers). Every so often, we have a "theme week" of meals/snacks/desserts, sort of a week-long pot luck. Folks sign up to bring something on a certain day, so not every day has a "full meal", but there's something special to eat each day. Again, all optional; no one is made to feel bad if they choose not to participate, or they cannot participate (they still get to share the yummies brought in by everyone else. :-))
Finally, with a kid in marching band and then winter drumline this past fall and winter, I am constantly sharing fundraiser information with pretty much everyone I know. If no one buys/donates, I have no problem with that. I put zero pressure on anyone to buy/donate. Some people do share my fundraising info with others, which is appreciated. I am the same way - I try to support fund raising efforts of friends and family when I can (because I know how hard it is!), but don't worry if I am unable to do so.
@Fru-gal Lisa,
That is precisely why DH banned fund-raising at his workplace as the manager. He felt that others would feel obligated to buy from co-workers, and even more so if HE brought in fundraising candies, catalogs, or raffle tickets. That's unfair pressure when someone sells things to their workplace subordinates.
@JD, back in the late 60s and into the 70s, it was common knowledge at my dad's employer that if you didn't give to United Way, it affected any raise you earned.
Well, I was raised to perceive conspicuous displays of wealth as tacky and possibly indicative of moral failing but also to be unfailingly polite. So a response of "no, thank you, I am not interested" covered -- and still does -- a lot of bases without offending anyone. That followed by a quick change of subject usually does the trick.
@Ruby, your response is pretty much the same as mine would be. I'm guessing that as good Southern girls, we were raised to say "sir" and "ma'am," and to regard people's "conspicuous displays of wealth as tacky"--but not to say so out loud. 🙂
But as an adult in Yankeeland, I find I just don't have too much difficulty with this issue. I'm (a) not on social media, where "comparisons are odorous," and (b) tend not to hang out IRL with folks who might be pressuring me into conspicuous consumption.
And if friendships are strong enough, income disparities don't matter that much. For example, the Bestest Neighbors (as a retired physician and a retired university administrator) are considerably better off than DH and I ever were--but in almost 40 years of friendship, this has never, ever been an issue. In fact, as I've mentioned in previous posts, they're both now completely on board with my thrift-shopping habits--and Dr. BN always says when he gets complimented on a shirt I bought him, "My neighbor got this at the Salvation Army!"
@A. Marie, I worked a few years ago as office manager for a minister from New York who was offending the congegation right and left with his manner. I finally had to overcome my good Southerner girl upbringing about not commenting on others' behavior and give him several lessons in how to talk to Southern people, especially a congregation made up of people in their 70s and 80s. He truly did not realize that he was coming across as wildly inappropriate for the audience.
A young co-worker of mine once said his wife was being just inundated by friends who were selling candles/makeup/whatever or were passing around school fundraiser catalogs. Her standard response was, "Those are very nice, but we are saving for a house," which was absolutely true.
I've been able to say much the same thing when asked to purchase something or do something expensive: "we are saving up for ...," "We already have one...," "I'm sorry, but our great-nephew's school is also doing a fund-raiser (note I didn't say we would BUY from the great-nephew)," "I won't be able to go there/do that, but it sounds great, please tell me all about it later..." "That's not in our budget right now..."
If people push, get unpleasant, or try the shaming method, saying things like "You don't want to support our schools?", I get shorter and shorter in my responses, going from phrases such as "I'm sorry, not this time," to finally just, "No."
My favorite example of the push method being handled well was with my youngest daughter, who was 14 and had figured out these school fundraiser catalogs were selling overpriced stuff most didn't really want. When the catalogs were handed out, she turned hers right back in to the teacher and said she wouldn't be selling anything. This is how I remember her telling it (and retelling it to HER daughter when fundraisers came to her daughter's school)
Teacher: Won't your parents buy something?
DD: No. They say they donate to the school already (we did)
Teacher: But won't your neighbors buy something? You could go around your neighborhood.
DD: I live in the country. (True)
Teacher: Won't your grandparents buy something?
DD: My grandparents are all dead. (True, sadly)
Teacher: What about aunts and uncles?
DD: I have one aunt in town. She has six grandkids in school so she buys from them. (True)
Teacher: Maybe your parents could take the catalog to work.
DD: That's not allowed where they work. (True, although DH was the manager who made that decision at his workplace.)
Teacher: Okay, I give up; hand me back the catalog.
@JD, good for her. And bad on the teacher for pushing so hard.
If someone is trying to sell me things like that, I always pass by saying if I want to support, I'll donate money. Unless it's Scholastic Books. For that I'll buy something on the teachers wish list.
@JD,
Good for your daughter!
I especially dislike school fundraisers that require the children to sell things, girl scouts and others standing outside the grocery store asking for money, and cashiers pushing for donations to huge foundations that I don't support. I find it difficult to say no to a child, but I don't have a hard time saying no to adults.
I used to feel badly about not purchasing or contributing when asked, but I no longer do. There are dozens of organization asking for donations all the time. I support several with my money and my time that I feel have a direct and positive impact on my community. If pushed, I generally say something similar to this.
@Bee,
My kid's band wanted them to add an app to their phone and upload 25 contacts for a fundraiser. I felt this was way overstepping - let alone privacy issues!!- having them upload personal info without the parents supervision. I told my son not to do it and if the band director pressed the issue, say that I wouldn't allow it. I also wrote a brief note to the band expressing my displeasure and refusal. I'll volunteer my time for this band, but not all our personal data.
@JD, I join the chorus of "thumbs up" for your daughter! As we Southerners say, you done raised her right.
@JD, I hated school fundraisers when my boys were in school. Back in the day, I would send $50 cash donation and let the teachers know that was the extent of it. That's one of my pet peeves and one of the few times I would be short with people ad no explanation.
@JD, my kids went to a school where we were sent a letter that said, “If we raise $x through donations, then we won’t have to ask children to sell things.” People donated to avoid the dreaded fundraiser!
@Bee, my personal pet peeve is big chain stores insisting their employees ask customers to add a donation to their grocery bill or "round up" for charity so they can donate this money in the corporation's name thus claiming the tax donation and publicity for supporting the charities, when in reality it is their customer's money. Regardless of the charity, I would rather donate money personally and claim the tax deduction rather than give a big corporation the write-off/tax credit.
@Number Cruncher, Agree! I always decline. I'd rather donate individually to a charity, not give to a corporation.
@JD, I'm with you. I don't think teaching children how to beg is a good idea, for them or their parents. We need to fund the schools adequately and stop these campaigns. I have regretted being suckered into buying overpriced plants from the granddaughter of my choir neighbor, who is raising three grandchildren. I need to work on a way to push back without her taking it personally.
@Number Cruncher, Yes! I used to feel guilty saying no, especially since the people in line behind you would hear you say you declined support for whichever cause. Once I realized they were taking credit for all of the 50 cent round ups from probably thousands of people, I no longer felt bad and always say "no thank you" or "not today" any time I'm asked now. It's not the cashier's decision, they're being told to ask, but it's an icky process.
I just simply say, "There's no room in my current budget for that." I don't see the need for further explanation. If the other person takes offense that is their issue because my response shows that I am making a choice based upon my own situation, not theirs. I am best at judging what is best for me.
As I'm sure some of us have, I've encountered people who will continue to push the issue and/or ask personal questions. I just keep repeating the same response. Most of the time they get the hint, and if not, then I will walk away. I've gotten to the point in my life where I refuse to suffer fools and nosy people gladly. I won't be rude, but I will not be cajoled into something I don't want to do or discuss.
@AnnieH, agreed. I simply say, "No, thank you " politely but firmly. It helps that I'm middle aged and can pull off the assertive response well. I would have found that harder to do in my younger years.
@Kris, Me too. I am fully embracing my "Crabby Old Crone" years when necessary.
If you could pull it off with genuine curiosity (as both my DIL’s could but not me) I would try “I’m curious why you keep asking me when I’ve already said no?”
@Juhli, Ohhh, thats a good one. I need to remember that.
If it's a solicitation for money, I say that I already have my charities. Or that I've already donated, which isn't always true but ends the conversation quickly. If they come to my door, I require a website or documentation.
If it's friends wanting to do or buy something, usually "That's more than I want to/am comfortable spend(ing) on that" generally does the trick.
While it's true that "No" is a complete sentence, it's also abrupt and often a bit rude. So for people with whom I want to keep a relationship, I say more. Even if it's just a fancier way to say no without explanation.
Yep. And "abrupt" is really not my style; I don't mind adding on a few words to make the no land a little softer.
Oh, this is such a timely topic for me.
I have a dear friend who has "champaign taste". She is going through a very difficult time right now and I want to support her. The problem is that her idea of support is going to a expensive (to me) restaurant or activity to get out of the house. While she is always polite when we invite her to dinner at our place or suggest a walk, she's been making hints that it is most helpful for her to get out and do things. While my husband and I are more financially stable than my friend, we tend to be more fiscally conservative and we are currently dealing with many very expensive issues of our own right now (i.e. healthcare expenses, tuition, home repairs) making us even less inclined to join in on expensive dinners/activities. I know if I explain this to my friend, she will offer to pay, regardless of the fact that she really cannot afford it.
That being said, I appreciate the great advice in the post and in the comments section here.
@Sarah,
My dearest friend is spender and generous to a fault. When she wants to go out, I usually suggest brunch, lunch, or coffee. All are much less expensive than dinner out.
Sometimes if she wants to go shopping, I'll go with her, but I seldom buy anything unless I need it or it fits into my life in some way. I plan most of my spending, and she knows that.
On occasion, we run errands together, or we go on a cheap outing to an estate sale, the farmers' market, a museum, the library book sale, a flower show, an art show, or an antique mall.
She told me recently that I was a good influence on her, because I was careful with my spending. I considered this the highest compliment.
@Sarah,
Methinks the reason you and your DH are more financially stable than your friend is BECAUSE you tend to be more fiscally conservative! Maybe you could suggest she check out Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover at the library. If she follows Dave's advice, it'll change her life.
I think consistency in your refusals is one of the biggest issues. If you're legitimately using your finances to refuse invitations or buying suggestions, that's great, but be careful you are not simply using money as an excuse to avoid certain people in your life, because that's a completely different issue. 😉
I feel as though my own budgeting is a private and personal thing and I never discuss it with anyone I know. I may mention that I am trying to be frugal, or make decisions about what I want to buy/sell, but other than that, why do I need to be loud about it? No one is pressuring me to spend, in any case. Just my two cents.
@Gina from The Cannary Family, My mom was like this, super private about money, never discussed it with anyone, not even me, her only child, so it was really difficult when she started having memory problems and I had to take over.
We live near several ski resorts and for years enjoyed skiing very much. The whole family back in Texas knows this about us and always asked about our winter skiing. Several years ago, as ticket prices climbed into the stratosphere, we decided to give up our skiing hobby. It wasn't that hard -- we simply felt we were no longer getting our money's worth. We have other things we can do with our time.
But now our relatives always ask about skiing and we tell them "Oh, we don't ski anymore." They respond with shock and press us on why, so we say that we no longer felt we were getting our money's worth, due to the sky-high price of lift tickets.
Turns out after a recent visit we learned some view this as a sign that we're financially strapped in our retirement and 'how awful that they had to give up something they loved so much." Yes we loved it, until one day we didn't.
I thought this is an interesting example of how people will come to their own conclusions -- sometimes wrong ones -- no matter how you explain yourself, so you just have to let it go.
@Cindi, yes, we had this with brother and SIL. They thought we were the poor country mice because we didn't spend like them.
I think personality plays into this so much. I would never just say "no". I'm always (depending on the person I am interacting with and my level of closeness to them) going to give some type of reasoning...It may be "No, I hate Thai food so I can't justify spending that amount on eating out for that" or "No, I'm not into musicals, but if you are ever catching a movie, let me know" or whatever.
My younger son's personality though is wide out on everything! He has never met a stranger, and he's very open and boisterous! When people say things like they took out a $60k car loan or they spent $100 on a bottle of wine...he will about choke and be like "NNNoooooooo". Not in a judgy way, but in a "it would kill him to do so" way. He has no problem saying no to whatever. Anyone having a conversation with him about these things would know him well enough to know that's just who he is, not him judging them.
"Wanna grab some dinner?" "How sweet of you to ask! Where are you going to take me?"
@JDinNM,
Good one! But I would add, "you ARE paying, aren't you?"
Belt and suspenders, Lisa. Belt and suspenders....
I think I'm known as someone who is generally honest/open, and willing to share specifics about my personal and financial life. So, if and when a friend invited me to partake in something I couldn't prioritize in my budget, I've been very open. I'll say, "thank you for thinking of me, that sounds fun, [and/or insert relevant pleasantry], but I can't join", then I'll usually give my exact reason! But that's because I'm an open book with this people, I'm very happy to regale them of my latest root canal trauma and accompanying bill for the reason as to why I can't participate... LOL.
I've only had one person, a friend from college, push back on why I wasn't going on a trip, or why I didn't buy the nice headset. We aren't close friends anymore. I'll give people my reasoning for my priorities, but they aren't up for debate! My life is not a group project.
@Andrea G / Midwest Andrea, I love “my life is not a group project”
Looking back I have put myself in some awkward situations by trying to be frugal. Partly I was awkward because I tended to get a little extreme and partly awkward because I would give mixed singles to those around me. I was trying very hard to become accountable for money, learning to budget, making big mistakes, etc. . . Learning something new is never perfect or graceful.
Once my then little boy and I traveled with a sister in law and my nephew to a fancy hotel ( she likes a good bargain for luxury items) and I bought our breakfasts and lunches for the hotel room. She was always polite but brown bagging it at the pool was a compromise.
I was once caught in the recycled paper dumpster of an apartment complex by my niece searching for newspaper inserts during the extreme coupon era.
At a girl's weekend, I ate a small lunch in my hotel room and then just had a drink while the other girls' ordered lunch. One of my friends made a HUGE deal about me making other people awkward that I couldn't "afford" a lunch.
I am in very different financial circumstances now ( in thanks partly to my early behavior.) If there is an awkward moment approaching, I can choose to "gift"others and pay for more than my share. I can splurge if planning goes awry. I am not embarrassed by the luxury items i have because i choose to be frugal in other ways. There is a grace in balance. I am also at 61 less dependent on what people think of me.
@Mary Ann, my SIL made a huge deal of the fact that we give our kids modest Christmas gifts, and “awkward” is the exact word she used. Ugh. So hurtful.
@Mary Ann, your last sentence is key. At age 69.75, I'm living more and more by the adage "You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a s**t."
@A. Marie, I can relate to this. I'm at a point in my financial life where I can afford most anything, -- but I don't want to waste my money on things that don't have value to me.
I didn't discover I was a people pleaser for many decades, so when people invited me to a "please buy this" party, I ALWAYS went. Since I was a poorly paid single parent for some years, it was particularly stupid. I just shudder when I look back now.
Now, that I'm a comfortable retiree and I could go if I want, I never do because it is always an invitation from people who never lift a finger to see me socially, but are willing to invite my wallet to these parties. We are never bosom buddies, often barely acquainted.
Ah, we live and learn.
Thank GOODNESS those "please buy this" parties are less common now.
This is something I struggle with, and I tailor my message to the audience. Usually, I say something about how many children I’m putting through college. Nice people won’t push the matter.
My sister-in-law knows more about our financial circumstances. She knows that we are much much more frugal than most people who are in similar circumstances. She is also quite status conscious, and seems embarrassed that we aren’t splashing out on the accoutrements of success, but that’s not our style. There have been more than a few snide comments.
The SIL situation is something that irks me, because I can’t just distance myself.
I think it's so context-dependent! My husband and I regularly say things like, "I don't want to spend money on that," to each other when discussing potential expenses. And when my friends and I talk about money in an abstract way, I think it's very reasonable to say things like that ("Are you and Boyfriend going to have a wedding?" "No, I don't want to spend money on it! We're saving for a house.")
But if a friend said, "Hey I'm having my bachelorette party in Cancun, come with me!" I wouldn't say, "I'm not willing to spend money on that," because that's needlessly blunt. I'd just say, "Wow, that sounds wonderful! I'm sorry that I won't be able to come, but please send me lots of pictures!"
Needlessly blunt: I like how you put that! Yes. I opt for a softer, gentler response unless something colder and more blunt is necessary.
I have a name for being cheap. However there are a lot of fun things I do and I do not say no to dinner out all of the time. I like it to be an occasion. I go to get ice cream and breakfast with mulitple friends and sometimes there small ones. We have an active concert series in the summer near us and we go to it often. It is "free" but I donate to the association tat is using it as a fundraiser. I may be cheap but I am generous. If I feel that I can make a suggestion of an alternative I will, if not then I just say No, but let me know when you plan to do something another time.
I live in a small not affluent rural community with a lot of family around. The first thing you need to do is ask yourself how generous are you going to be. I am generous with my time, and have vollunteered for Boy scouts, girl scouts, band, drama, worked various food stands at our local fair, and sold tickets at football games. I am not as generous with my money, but I still buy from local food related fundraisers. I also passed the word, while my own children were looking for funds to participate in band, that I don't expect them to buy. But I know the band cost is upwords of 250-300 a year. Last year a cousin's son spent 170 to play football. My message is: I can buy food, or give you a donation of $50 cash. The cash is a once a year thing, so if little Bobby is in multiple activities the choice is all yours. I just did the math and have 11 school aged family members. Yes I alot about $750 for supporting these organization.
I know that many communities pay for a lot of the things I am writing about. Mine does not and, since I have lived here most of my life, this is the system that is in place. It is kind of our little version of pay to play. So basically I am just very clear with what I am willing to do.
Having just received an inheritance and wanting to be a wise and good steward of the same, I retained a financial advisor. It has been a good and fruitful venture. But I have to say that when I told the Advisor that I really needed a new laptop (and I did, my laptop was veeerrrryyy slow and maxed out on Windows capability) he suggested going to Best Buy using their charge card to make "them" work for me. Well, we do not have a local Best Buy and while I recognize the principle, did not want another charge card nor necessarily a NEW laptop. (I use my Marshall's (etc.) card to earn the rewards, so I'm okay with this idea.) But what I did do, was contact a local, reputable computer service to see if they had any new or refurbished laptops and could/would they move my stuff from one computer to another. Yes, and Yes! Steve showed me a sleek HP and said they would load it and I could take it home and play with it overnight. I asked the price and it was so reasonable, I said I'd take it! They moved everything over from the old one in less than hour. I got a bargain and regained hours of time. So sorry Mr. Advisor, my mind is still frugal and I'm fine with that.
@Chrissy, that was a great thing to do. hope you enjoy your computer for a long time.
I would love to hear how this plays out with your brother who is in a good financial position. Does he just not invite you to expensive outings or does he pay for you to be included?
And if you don't want to share your personal details, you could open the comments in another post for this topic.
I have 3 children, and one wants to pursue a low-cash/low wealth lifestyle for religious reasons. One wants to be a mom and maybe a teacher. ($43K is pay where we live for that) And one wants to be an engineer. They are best friends now, but I don't see them having the same cash options later in life.
On the topic of office gifts/celebrations:
I worked somewhere once where people brought in their favorite dessert on their own birthday. That way, they got exactly what they liked, no one was pressured to pitch in for it, and no one who cared about it had their birthday overlooked or forgotten.
I thought this was a questionable practice at first, but in practice it was kind of brilliant.
I actually love that!
@Lorraine, my department did something like that, too. One of my co-workers would say, "I baked! Oreos are on the table by our mailboxes." Always cracked me up.
@Lorraine, this practice is common in Denmark... Then you are bringing what you want and only on your birthday...Everyone does it once a year. Not chipping in all the time. Love it!
I had a co-worker who was always upfront about why she wouldn’t join group lunches. She would say “that’s not in my budget this month” or “I’ve spent all my play money.” I always respected her honesty and wished I could be more like her in terms of budgeting.
I have no problem saying "No" or "I'm not interested." There are times, however, when I feel a softer response is more appropriate. "I'm sorry.There just isn't room in my budget right now." I do not owe a further explanation to anyone. Honestly, it took me a few years to get there, but it really felt good when I got there.
I was actually in a similar situation just this weekend. A dear friend asked me if I'd like to buy a $100 (!) raffle ticket for a fundraiser for what is a very worthy cause. I simply (and kindly!) replied that our charitable giving was already allocated at the moment (which is absolutely true) and I wished her well on the fundraiser. Everybody ended the interaction on a happy note (I think!!) and I was able to express a very polite no.
This thread reminds me of what I used to say during a telephone solicitation from a (supposed) charity back when I had a landline: "Your organization is probably worthy, but I have a rule that I only give money for things that I initiate."
@MB in MN, That's good phrasing!
I say I will read anything they mail me (never comes) and remind them we are on "do not call" registry.
@MB in MN, And add "Please take my name off your list!"
That way, they're not supposed to call back.
I might say, I haven't planned to buy X at this time. Maybe next year. (or never). It's a kind of bullying to push other people to spend money they don't want to spend, for any reason. If the bully wants to talk about it I can go on for hours about the greater value of saving over spending, and how too many girls are encouraged to spend all the time but never to save. One of the most impressive little girls I know is going to be fine as an adult: she saved every penny she could for three years to buy her own personal laptop, which she did at age 11!
I also avoid "s0cial shopping," an intimidating situation where women especially draw each other into pressured comparisons. We could talk about how a real social life doesn't depend on buying stuff, or how genuine relationships are not about shopping or spending. If a bully's personality depends on buying stuff, he or she is to be pitied, even if the ad industry loves him or her. Me, I love living in the black!
I have the attitude that no one decides how to spend my money but me.
I like the answer that "no" or "no thank you" is a complete sentence.
I once worked in an office where all the employees were expected to contribute to buy the boss a rather expensive Christmas gift. I'm talking hundreds of dollars. I thought this was completely inappropriate since the boss signed off on my annual evaluation. And everyone, including people who made a sliver of what the well-paid boss made, were expected to pony-up. They even had a list and would check off your name when you 'contributed." In the weeks before Christmas if you hadn't donated you were gently reminded weekly by a senior secretary. I was bothered, too, that our boss even accepted the gift.
One year when I hadn't contributed, a senior manager who was a bully came into my office and point blank asked me if I was going to contribute to the gift. I was totally surprised she would be so bold and she was completely taken back when I simply said "no" and nothing else. It was obvious to me that it was an attempt at intimidation and she was surprised I didn't cave in. I was proud of myself. She didn't know what to say and she turned around and left. That was the last time I was ever bothered about contributing. I'm sure this whole situation would have been frowned upon by our HR dept but I never reported it because I didn't want the blow back and needed my job.
You can`t argue with feelings, so I use
"Naa, I don`t feel like buying that (now)"
You could even give Kondo vibes: nothing comes into the house that does not make you really happy.
I just had to say "no" to a fundraising effort of my son's OLD baseball team. I politely stated that we have some other budget items that we are working toward this month.
I have no problem saying 'no' in general. And I don't feel like I need to explain myself in most contexts.
For example, I never contribute at work for the thousand's birthday/mat leave/weddings/retirement/new house/baby shower, etc. I would go broke. BUT I also never sign the cards (this is hypocritical IMO, to sign but not contribute to the gift), and I also don't expect anything in return.
Now, I have a ton of colleagues (hospital setting) but none I am real close with, so this is why I don't feel bad about not contributing monetary. I will bring food for potlucks. And if someone is special enough for me, I take them out for lunch instead. I'm frugal, not cheap.
As for my personal life, most people know I'm careful with money. And I don't tend to hang out with 'spendy' people anyways. I'm a very simple, easily content person. I like low key stuff. That said I don't mind spending on interesting experiences with friends or family. Like I said, I consider myself frugal, not cheap. (I choose to save on some unimportant things/experiences to be able to spend on what is important to me/my family)
Just my two cents on this topic.... The art of conversation, in general, has been lost. Saying "no" and not giving a reason is perfectly okay with me. If conversation skills were not lost everyone would automatically accept this due to the fact the conversation depend on the views of the speaker(s) and that it is totally okay to agree to disagree. In this age everyone need a reason as to why they were refuse....again a loss in all of it because no one is prepared to receive a negative answer and will normally try to plead their reason to you as to why you should be more cooperative with their request/demand. My answer to that is always the same...."guilt will get you no where with me"...because that is exactly what they are doing. You said 'no' and that should be the end of the discussion on that topic. All to many people think it is okay with pressuring people to do as they ask or demand and that in itself is an absolute NO for me.
Don't get me wrong, this was a learned skill for me after years of allowing others to do such to me. Guilt and conformity is so ingrained with this society that no one really thinks independently any longer but the few.