How do you get over shame about past spending?
Good day!
Ms. Kristen, I'm feeling down right now and I'm having a hard time convincing myself to get over this feeling of shame.
Before I discovered your blogsite, I was a spender, then my husband's company announces that they need to layoff some of their employees, my husband included, giving them only one month to look for another job, this made me realize how irresponsible I am financially speaking. Yes, I save, but not that much. A little bit each month isn't enough for my family of 6. I can save much more if I'm not always having take outs or eating out, buying toys, clothes and make-up (hobby).
Cooking or planning a menu is my weakness, I'm not good at it but after discovering your site a lot of things changed. I'm more inspired and motivated and trying things.. but this feeling of shame is still bugging me.
I'm restless, because if I'd started early and saved more while I still had the chance while my husband was still earning high, that would have been helpful. But now he's having a hard time finding a new job that pays well and the more I see him struggling to find a job, the more I feel guilty. We're in our 40's... is it too late for us??
-Cas
First off, I'm so glad to hear that my blog has helped motivate you to work at living within your means. Yay!
And secondly, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's job. That's so hard, for you and for him.
About shame/regret/guilt: While I haven't had a lot of those feelings specifically about past financial decisions, I do know what it's like to look back and wish you'd done things differently (the things I wish I'd done differently just don't happen to be financial in nature!).
When I'm faced with a situation based on regret from the past, here's what I do:
First, I apologize to whomever I've hurt.
In your case, you could express your regrets to your husband and tell him you wish you'd spent less and saved more. Hopefully he'll be understanding and forgiving, but regardless, I think it's good to apologize and get it off of your chest.
Secondly, I remind myself that I don't get to change the past.
No matter how much time I spend wallowing in regret, the past will never be different. All I have is today and the future, and I have to look forward, not backward.
When I'm busy wallowing in regret over the past, that pretty much zaps any energy I have for moving forward anyway, which makes the wallowing doubly unproductive!
So, yes, do acknowledge what you could have done better, but try not to stay there. You haven't got a chance to redo yesterday, but you do have a fresh shot at today and the next day and all the days after that.
When you're tempted to sink into that place of regret, remind yourself of the things you're doing differently now. Give yourself a pat on the back for cooking at home, or not buying makeup/toys/clothes.
To some degree, the things you tell yourself are going to create various results in your life.
If you repeatedly tell yourself, "I'm a failure. I made so many bad choices in the past. I'm terrible with money.", then you will probably freeze and you will not have the forward momentum to make difference choices.
But if you tell yourself things like, "I have the power to change my behavior right now." or, "Every day is a new chance to spend my money wisely.", you will probably feel more energized to actually do those things. 🙂
And no, it's never too late to change. Doing things differently now will set you up for success in the future, and it's better to start now than never.
Hang in there! And I hope things improve for you guys.
___________________
Cas,
Teaching your kids good financial habits can be a balm for regret. They will make mistakes too but at least they'll have an example in their parents. Sometimes it's the the stories of how you parents weren't great at something and put in hard work to change it that can make an impact on a child. That's what I'm hoping!
Also, thinking of how you would talk to a friend and speak to yourself that way. Kristen wrote this out beautifully for you. Good luck.
It can also cripple them with indecision and fear of making the wrong financial move. It is wise to teach your children whilst learning yourself, rather than living vicariously through them and hoping to soothe your own regrets.
Perfectly said Kristen!
I believe forgiving yourself is also in order!
We all make mistakes. Acknowledge that and forgive yourself.
Then pull up the tent stakes. Don't campout in the past!
You're doing great!
Try not to be too hard on yourself - it could paralyze you from making future efforts to live more frugally. I sometimes wish we had been more frugal before having kids or that we had bought a house that was in a better school district so we wouldn't have to move, or that we had put all our extra income to paying off our student loans. I can't change the past, so I'm just trying to be better in the present. We also couldn't afford a better house or put a ton of money towards loans because we just didn't have a lot of of extra income. I also think it's important to live your life. We weren't extremely frugal, but we didn't accrue any credit card debt. But we didn't save like maybe we should have. But we did do things that we really enjoyed and were always able to handle emergencies. You can turn this boat around, we sure have, and I believe that acknowledging the problem is a huge first step. The second is researching like your doing different ways to stear the ship into less spendy and treacherous waters. Next you have to take the helm and really make it happen what storms or distractions may come. Good luck!
Cas, you have taken action! Good for you! You have examined your old habits and made some changes! Try making meal planning fun,use simple easy recipes to start and rotate.I have a 4 week list of favorites I use again and again. That sense of being in charge of your food spending, and eating healthily will boost your confidence. ALL of us,I believe, have something or other we wish we had done differently. You're only in your 40's and have plenty of time to explore new ways of living and thriving. Keep reading upbeat blogs like this one, for encouragement and support !!
I agree with everything that has been said so far. But I do have a suggestion. We are farmers and back in the '90's we experienced a totally crop failure. We have always lived a frugal lifestyle but that year was extremely frugal and challenging. But it is important you talk to your children about what is happening. Our teenage boys understood the situation and were fine. However our 8 year old daughter was so concerned we were going to be hungry and homeless. When I explained to her more what was happening, she could understand better, but it was still a challenge to her.
We can't change the past, only resolve to do better and look ahead. Blessings, Gretchen
Cas,
I echo what Dayna above says. Teaching and guiding your children to learn from your mistakes can be an amazing opportunity to neutralize some of that guilt. It is something my mother and father both did with myself and my siblings - and not just about financial decisions, but with relationships, choices, etc.
I also feel guilt about financial decisions I've made in the past. My husband, daughter and I would be in a much better place financially had I saved more and spent frivolously less before marriage and becoming a mother. However, the only thing I have control of (kind of!) is the present and the choices I have yet to make.
Guilt and shame can be heavy, but try to keep a positive attitude and keep taking steps forward! An amazing book I'm reading right now is called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, and I think it would help you tons (if you like to read!). I would be more than willing to ship it to you so that you don't need to spend money to buy it!
Cas, I think you are too hard on yourself. Kristen's response was well-thought out. I don't know where you are in your faith journey, but I believe that God knows your current and future needs and is there to help you. Your positive behavior change may motivate others around you to spend more responsibly--you never know!
"When you know better, you do better"
Maya Angelou
having been in a similar situation I may be able to help- I also found this site and Kristen immensely helpful and inspirational! So even though things are better now, I still hold onto many of Kristen's tips and insights (so thank you Kristen!)
Here are/were my general rules for staying sane:
1. Be kind to yourself - you're doing better now, so be proud of that and accept yourself for who you are. Plenty of people are still being super wasteful. As my yoga teacher says "negative thoughts do not serve me"- absolutely no good in beating yourself up so stay patient and be kind to yourself.
2. Everyone makes mistakes - no one person is perfect and besides, perfect is a fantasy that is a moving and unreachable target.
3. Take pride in your accomplishments! I always tell my kids they didn't walk the first time they tried, but eventually they got the hang of it. Celebrate the baby steps that help get you heading in the right direction.
4. Know that you aren't alone. This has happened to soooooo many people especially in the past 7-8 years.
5. Have a goal(s) and repeat your goal every day and even multiple times/day- ideally your partner should share the same goals. You won't make progress unless you know where you're trying to go. Put the energy out there that you WILL make it and the situation WILL get better and those thoughts will have rippling effects.
Good luck. i know it stinks. I hope you get thru it all
You poor thing! I've felt this way a lot, and it's not bad in any way to feel regrets over past financial decisions.
The best medicine is to keep moving forward after learning from your mistakes; and it sounds like you're making a good effort to improve, so bravo. 🙂 Mr. Picky Pincher and I used to spend $1,000/month on food just for two people. We were horrible at planning ahead and meal planning, but we made it happen because we had to make it happen.
If we can do it, you can too. 🙂
Cas - To continue the refrain of previous comments, 'Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and hope never to return!'. We ALL have areas that need improvement and recognizing them is the first step on the journey to change. Grace to you, Cas, because you need it - from yourself and others in your life. Forgive yourself - oh, so hard! - as the past is past and the future is before you. Start small - pick one or two areas to focus on changing, work to make those habits that stick. Then pick another area to add. Remind yourself - daily, at times - that you are moving in the right direction. If you can figure out a way to track your progress - how many meals at home this week? - it may give you the feedback that you are improving and motivate further progress.
Oh! I so agree with this comment. Start slowly, but just start. The hardest thing (for me) to let go of is "why didn't I start this sooner???" because I realize how wasteful I was of so many hard earned dollars my husband made during our early marriage and if I'm not perfect then why bother??
Starting slowly and congratulating yourself repeatedly that you did one or two or three small things to turn your financial situation around each week works so well. Small changes now will have BIG impact 20 years from now and you will only be in your 60's with a lot more living to do so it's DEFINITELY not to late! I was very interested when Dave Ramsey said - statistically speaking your 50's are likely to be your biggest income years because of where most people are in their careers. So if you (and I) can use our forties to set the financial table well then we can make up for lost time in our fifties and still end up on the winning side with money. Good Luck!
It is never to late to make a positive change! No one is perfect and I think we all have something to regret. When I am feeling regret. I just try to think today is a new day and I will try to live this new day to the best of my ability.
Hi Cas:
All of us make a LOT of mistakes in our lives - yours just happen to be financial. By sharing your experiences, you are helping me and other readers who are "comfortable" be mindful that things can change on dime and to not be complacent if things are financially OK for awhile.
You are already helping others - thank you! And please share your progress with us and you get your financial bearing again - which I'm confident will happen!
Like many of the commenters, I have also been there, done that, and I really didn't come to my senses until I was in my 50's. So there is time for you, Cas! You can make amazing strides and find yourself shocked in five years at what you've accomplished. Follow this blog, check out "The Tightwad Gazette" from the library, and perhaps "Your Money or Your Life." If you are a visual person, chart your progress.
And please, forgive yourself and don't let guilt paralyze you. There are so many good suggestions here already. Please realize that when we are all reciting our five frugal things and telling of our frugal successes, we can all (and sometimes do) list a loonnggg list of frugal fails!
My husband has been unable to work for six years and probably never will be able to work again. It's hurt us financially, but we are making it! You can too.
Congratulations on making some hard changes. The feelings you describe are, as it happens, typical of addicts trying to recover. One thing this process requires is acknowledging past poor choices. That usually hurts. It can hurt a lot. So much so that some revert because doing the bad thing is less painful than (or at least puts off) facing up to the fact that they did the bad thing.
Maybe your choices weren't the best but it sounds as if they weren't unreasonable under the circumstances either. You can't change the past but you can change your future.
Give yourself some forgiveness and go on from here.
+1 for TWG! Be sure to look for "The Complete Tightwad Gazette". It has a light blue cover and is a compilation of all three books, plus bonus material.
If your library doesn't have it, try to find a used copy on half, alibris or amazon. It's worth spending a few dollars on, even in dire financial straits.
I can honestly say I've never been in a bad financial position, despite years of low income in a high COLA, because of all the lessons learned at the feet of the amazing Amy Dacyczyn.
Also, blogs like this one didn'the exist way back then (neither did the internet, in fact). Good on you for finding TFG! I also highly recommend The Non-Consumer Advocate. Kristen and Katy were daily inspiration in my quest to amass enough to retire early. They will help you get on track, too!
Cas,
Great job taking steps to change your family's financial future! Something that might be helpful to you to see how far you have come ( kind of an extension of Christy's suggestion #3 above) is to keep an accomplishment journal/log. Write down each of the money saving actions you now take that you didn't do before. You'll be amazed to see how much you are doing.
Self-forgiveness is like forgiving another person - it can be an ongoing process. I still work at forgiving myself for large past mistakes (financial and otherwise), but it gets easier with time, particularly as you continue to live in a way consistent with who you want to be (financially speaking).
Warm wishes for continued growth and self-forgiveness
Just remember, we are writing the script of our lives. So every second you are the playwright and every decision you make right now you are writing your life.
I am very proud of you. Way to go.
What lovely advice!
I'd second anything that rings with, "Well, lesson learned. Moving on!" 🙂
Been there; done that. Husband made good money but we spent more than he made. Then he got laid off and had to find a new job making about half what he'd been making. We learned how to spend much less--enough to pay off debt and start to save for retirement. While we were younger than you when it happened to us we are now retired and loving it. It is possible!
I've been there, too! I was inspired by a blogger I follow, Goodbye Valentino. (It's a sewing blog). She was a woman who used to think nothing of droppign big bucks on designer clothing than had her lightbulb moment, realizing she could sew her own clothes that looked just as good. So she challenged herself to make only home-sewn clothes for a year. She ended up loving it, getting compliments, growing in her sewing skills - and saving a ton of money.
Maybe looking at your own situation and making a fun challenge out of it could work for you. Maybe pick a favorite cookbook (Betty Croker's books are pretty easy) and challenge yourself to try every recipe in that book? Or set up a weekly challenge where you try one frugal activity per week. Seeing it as a fun challenge might make it feel less like a punishment for past mistakes. I've been there - you need to give yourself some grace, take a breath, and start fresh. You can do it!
Do you know how many people would wallow in self-pity in this situation? "Oh poor me, I can't keep spending like I used to"... But you are in the take-action mode, which is healthy and constructive! I understand regretting not saving more when you had it to save...boy, do I! But that is totally a wasted regret, you can't turn back the hands of the clock; but how about making up for it when your husband is employed again? Save MORE than you would have, even if it's just a little bit. The rewards are obvious...but it may also make you feel real pride in yourself, which is something you need!
Such great advice!
The only thing I can add is use your hard circumstances to teach your children.
I grew up in poverty because of the poor choices of my parents. Not poor financial choices but relationship choices...who we marry, staying married, staying faithful.....ect. all of that has hard financial consequences to a family.
Still, I do KNOW my parents loved me & they loved each other. They stayed faithful to each other(their second marriages) & chose to live with the consequences of earlier poor choices, working hard to live on the little they earned. I remember Christmas with no gifts but I never remember being hungry. They grew huge gardens every summer & my mom canned everything - even meat & juices.
I do hope your situation is not so dire. As a child it was hard & humiliating to me, going to school & seeing my friends with so much more materially than I had. But as an adult, I can see my story through clearer eyes. My parents were tough, they learned what was important & passed that on to me. Because they were open about our financial situation I was able to start my adult life with a clear path, even though there was no financial help.
Instead of dwelling on the guilt of your past, turn that energy into the future of your children. Use that to teach them not to make the same mistakes. My parents always assured us we would not go hungry. Growing up in rural Appalachia my dad was a hunter so we always had meat & our garden kept us well fed. But we knew we would never go out to eat at a restaurant, we only had cakes for our birthdays, no gifts, ect. There are many guides on teaching our children how to be financially savvy. Use your energy on that & let them contribute to growing a better financial picture for your family now.
Wishing you the best!
So many great comments here for you Cas. I hope you find inspiration and hope! I would add another benefit of having made mistakes and been willing to change is that you develop great compassion for other people and their mistakes. Sometimes us frugal types can get a bit judgmental of "spenders". Remembering that I have made a lot of not-so-smart frivolous spending decisions helps me remember to give others grace as well. I'm so glad I've made changes, and I know you will find what you need here to support you. Welcome!
Hi Cas,
Don't look upon frugality as a hardship to which you are subjected as a result of your previous lifestyle and choices. Look upon it as a great adventure; learning new ways of doing things, enjoying new experiences, and meeting kind, honest people. Frugality is NOT a "punishment". In fact, it will probably change your way of life and worldview more than it will change your bank balance. Welcome! We don't even know the Jones's...
Very similar to what I posted about on my blog!
Self kindness and compassion is so important. We all fall short sometimes and beating yourself up is a pointless exercise. I find that when I feel guilty about overspending that I am more likely to continue to overspend and create more bad habits. Personally it has always been more effective for me to forgive myself, learn the lesson and move on.
Wonderful content as always!
XX Sarah
Hubby and I were in our mid-thirties with two small children, mired in debt with me back in school and him working a stressful job when we filed for bankruptcy. It was a dark and terrible time for us all around! But we managed to learn a lesson from that and move FORWARD. I felt lots of guilt over it, but I knew in my heart we could recover from that financial disaster. It was the worst way to learn how to manage our finances, but we made it through. I would suggest a simple truth - if you don't have it, don't spend it (credit cards) and pay yourself first (savings).
Big yes to all the encouragement here. I also went through some bad spendy days and it was hard. Some practical that have been good to me:
- Made a list of the things I was ashamed about. Then crossed out the title and called it "things I will avoid from now on". I see this as the positive result of wallowing which I also tend to do.
- Told the kids when at a store that we could talk about what they like and not about what they want. Made a huuuge difference because we could connect over how fun something would be and there was no commitment from me when I say something is cool. If they said they wanted it, I said and still do say that maybe they'll get it for their birthday or Christmas (but truth is we rarely buy one is these things) My kids weren't too happy but the youngest has known nothing else and they value their toys a lot more I think
- I looked for ways to share things with other people and told my book-lover husband that "Your favourite bookstore is now called the library". We all adjusted now and we only buy books we have already read and plan to reread or reference books.
- I imposed a 24 hour moratorium on buying anything other than absolute essentials like groceries and medicines. And I took that time to think of alternatives or figure it if I need something how I could buy it cheaper.
You'll find little tricks that help you along the way! Don't give up and show grace to yourself as you would any loved one.
Please know that this event is temporary. Your husband will find another job and you will be fine. Remind yourself that good things are coming your way.
In the meanwhile, choose another feeling instead of guilt. Who did you get to be today because of your spending habits in the past? You chose to be frugal, you decided to take control of your finances and both makes you a great wife and mother. Don't dwell in mistakes, celebrate the lessons.
I took many things for granted. When life's events changed and I had no control over them I panicked. I quickly realized several things. Feeling guilty over my many past financial mistakes did not really do much for me in my crisis. I often used that excuse as a reason to spend money and treat myself to give myself a boost. That small feel good moment did not last long and needed to be followed by another feel good moment. I also seemed to think that if I just waited it out , things would get better. I quickly learned that by making changes only I could improve my circumstances.
Please realize this comment truly comes from the heart. I was slow in making changes and still made the wrong ones based on pride. Giving up my house was something I could have done years earlier. But oh my, what would people think? When I realized I was going to end up sitting on the side of the road with my children, belongings and no money, I got serious. I made a plan to regroup.
I made a list of the most important things we needed. Shelter, electricity, water and food. These were needed to prevent the children from being taken away from me. ( I am living in a 5 bedroom house and this is how scared I am ). I needed money so my vehicle and car insurance came next. Moving forward and making the actual changes were not nearly as hard as fearing having to do them. Giving up luxury items like sodas and fastfood wasn't hard when I realized I could feed my kids a meal for that same 3 dollars. There are many great blogs about being frugal. Starting with any small decision can make it easier to move along and make even more frugal choices. Just start by doing something.
Anything....Make a list and then try to stick to it. Will power is the hardest for me. Saying you need to do something and actually doing it can be two very different things. Go slow but try to stay ahead of any issues. Losing every thing I had was the best thing that ever happened to me. Things actually were not as bad as I had feared they would be. Good luck and I wish the best for you.