Helping Kids Be Content on Less (+ a math question & a loaf pan sale)
Every Monday, I answer a few of the questions that my readers send me. If you have a question you'd like me to answer in a future Q&A post, just leave me a comment here or email me (thefrugalgirl [at] gmail [dot] com) and put Q&A in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you!
Before we get to some questions, a reader let me know that Williams-Sonoma is having a sale on the Gold Touch loaf pans that are my very favorite. I pretty much never see deals on these, so if you've been in the market, go snag some now!
(not affiliated in any way-just sharing.)
I use the 1 pound size most frequently...it's similar to a 4x8 inch pan, whereas the 1.5 pound pans are more like a 9x5 inch pan.
Not too long ago, I noticed on your instagram that you use Saxon math 5/4. I am just wondering, what is your method when you teach your child using that book? For example, does she read the text and complete a whole lesson a day?
I would appreciate your feedback. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Zoe
First, I must say that you have a lovely name! (my youngest is a Zoe too. 😉 )
(that photo is from 2011, for those of you wondering why Lisey is looking so young!)
We've used Saxon for years now, and yes, we usually do one lesson a day. My kids read the lesson, ask me for help if they're stuck on something, and then complete the 30 or so problems that are in each lesson (and we do the mental math and lesson practice problems too.) If my kids are having a lot of trouble grasping a particular concept, sometimes I assign them a supplemental practice lesson from the back of the book.
For younger grades (kindergarten through third grade), I'm a lot more hands-on with the math, and I usually sit with my kids as they do their math lessons, helping them learn the right way to do things. That's honestly my pattern for a lot of subjects-I spend a lot of one-on-one time in the early grades and once that foundation is established, my kids can do a lot of their work independently.
The math lessons are probably the most time-consuming part of their school days, but we do try to get that done every day so that we can finish the books by the end of the year.
I know some families do every other problem in the Saxon lessons, and I'd consider that if my kids were really struggling to complete a lesson every day, but so far, they've been ok.
We have finally learning to live within our budget. We live in small community... we work together, play together, go to school together and go to church together. The company my husband works for is doing very well financially so... some of our friends are doing very very well financially to say the least. My husband's wages are not as high. My question is with my boys (8 & 10yr old) . The other children get i pods, phones, new and latest play stations, dirt bikes, horses and the list goes on. My children don't get these things... how do we live frugally without making our sons always feel like they are the ones without these things?
-A.
This is such a hard thing, isn't it? And it doesn't matter if you're a kid or an adult-it's still a little hard to live among people who have way more than you.
But it's also a really good life lesson, because there is always, always, always going to be someone who has something better than you. Even if your sons grow up to have tons of money, they will still be able to find someone who's got it better somehow...someone who has even MORE money, a friend who has more skills than they do, or who has a wife when they don't, or who has kids when they don't, or who has more friends.
(neighborhood horses, not ours! 😉 )
A couple of thoughts-
I think it's a good idea to be frank with kids and explain that there's a limited amount of money coming in, and that spending more than you've got isn't wise. If you earn X dollars and that family earns Y dollars, spending like you're earning Y dollars would be disastrous. You're setting a good example for them by living within your means.
If you're like me, and wouldn't shower your children with every possession they ever wanted even if you DID have the resources, it would be good to explain that to them. Although we give our children gifts at birthdays and Christmas and such, and occasionally we buy them something out of the blue, most of the time if they want something, they need to save up the money to buy it. Mr. FG and I do that not because we're being stingy but because we feel really strongly that they need to learn and experience what it's like to live within their means and what it's like to save up for something.
Thinking of creative ways to live frugally can help to diminish feelings of deprivation a bit too. Sometimes there are ways to have awesome stuff on a budget. For instance, we can still have a beach vacation, but we'll go off-season. We can buy an ipod, but we'll save up and buy a gently-used one from the last generation.
I'm not sure if you share my beliefs exactly, but when my kids are bummed out about someone else having something they don't have, I remind them that God, who is infinitely wise, gives different gifts to different people, and that we can trust that the lot we've been dealt is the right one for us.
I also remind them that no one has a perfect life. Sure, maybe a friend has more money and more stuff, but I can guarantee you that there are troubles and difficulties in that person's life too and they're probably not happier overall!
On a related note, I remind them that money and stuff aren't heavily correlated with happiness (except when that money lifts you out of poverty)...relationships and family are way more valuable in terms of happiness, so it's a mistake to think that you'd suddenly be happy if you had item X.
(That's a helpful thing to remember if you start to feel guilty about not providing them with more materially-you may not be able to change that, but you can offer them the really important stuff like love and stability.)
Lastly, I think there's great value in counting the blessings that you do have, and sometimes in order to see that clearly, it's helpful to look at those with less. If you're focusing on the kid with the playstation and iphone and personal horse, what you've got looks pretty pitiful. But when you compare what you've got with, say, what people in war-torn, poverty-stricken countries have, suddenly it's much easier to be grateful.
I hope that's at least a little bit helpful. The only other thing I'd add is that I think it's important to offer empathy to your kids. Feeling jealous of other people isn't a kid problem, it's an adult problem too, and if you acknowledge that, your kids will be more likely to listen.
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Readers, this last question is a huge topic, and I know I haven't covered it completely. So, please do weigh in with your own helpful thoughts.
I got one of those Gold Touch pans just before Christmas (there was a sale then, too) since you had recommended them, and it is fantastic!!! It is far better than any other baking pan I've had or tried -- yah for no homemade goodies sticking to the pan! Thanks for your recommendations. 🙂
I struggle with being around people richer than I a lot sometimes and I'm in my early 30s. My wife's relations are all very comfortable and while they don't have horses or other such things, they do have second homes, new phones every year, new cars, vacations etc. This wouldn't be so bad but at times they've been known to go off on what sponges and leeches "the poor" are to society (and how they don't work hard like they do at their cushy government jobs.) Really, thanks for calling my family lazy sponges.
But anyway, the thing is, they aren't happy. They are angry at their taxes, they hate their jobs (despite getting to retire at 55 unlike most people in the world) and really, they don't even like each other all that much.
That is very true, at every corporate job I've had there are people there who just hate the job but it isn't too hard and makes a comfy salary so they stay but then become very bitter at the world in general.
You about said it all! The other point I add is that there is a price to pay for everything. Kids who have "everything" usually have parent(s) who are working jillions of hours. (Although teens may consider that a good trade off LOL )
I'm very glad you brought up the point about affluence not correlating with happiness. That's based on a research study; my kids like science so it is interesting to bring that up.
Kristen, thank you for very nice comments about having fewer material items. It is a bit tricky to negotiate. We live in a middle-class community and, while we could "afford" some of the items, we choose not to purchase many of them because we have bigger goals (college, etc.) for our children and also because it allows me to be home more and not working crazy hours just to keep up. One thing I also find helpful, in addition to your other comments, is to provide my kids with opportunities for service--buying for the food pantry, volunteering, etc. For me, service takes my eyes off myself, which is very helpful when I'm feeling pitiful and sad about my circumstances, and I suspect it may be true for others as well.
In 2012 I attended the National Hearts-at-Home conference in Bloomington/Normal and attended a workshop with Marianne Miller called "Raising Grateful Kids in a Culture of Consumerism." It was AMAZING! She was so engaging and inspiring. You can buy a copy of the lecture on MP3, CD, or DVD. I bought two CD's to pass amongst friends and a copy of the DVD for my Mom's Group library. Her message is so fantastic and for only $4 (MP3 version) it is money VERY well spent. Here's the link to ordering her lecture. http://catapes.com/viewresults.cfm?cid=207
I have been meditating on Ecclesiastes 9:11 lately, because of similar frustration at others doing so well or getting recognition, while I do just 'okay.' It's healthy to "feel my feelings," but ultimately not healthy to keep this at my core.
"The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all."
Very good point!
When I was young one of my dreams is to become rich to buy everything I wanted but when I became an adult and realized that money isn't everything. I would rather have my peace of mind than having all the problems that rich people have, yet we live a very comfortable life living with less. And teaching our kids how to be contented with what they have, they become a person of character and I think that's the most important thing every parent should teach our kids.
I like your method for teaching math. I remember in a post a few years back you mentioned possibly sending your kids to a local college for the advanced high school subjects. I'm thinking about homeschooling my children (all under 5 so I have time to figure it out) and I just wanted to know when exactly to you think it is necessary for the kids to start taking subjects outside the home. Something like calculus could still be done at home especially now that schools like MIT and Harvard offer free online versions of classes. But I'm guessing classes with labs would need to be done outside.
You could also tell you kids why getting what you want, when you want it, and without work, often doesn't work out well. People who grow up under those circumstances are more likely to be poor examples of maturity. That we learn to use our imagination and our ingenuity when we face challences. That hard times and difficult circumstances *will* happen and that the sooner you learn to deal with it, the more successful at it you will be. And that there is diminishing marginal returns for stuff, just as there is for anything else - after a while, you won't be happy with a new phone every year, you're going to want one every 6 months, and you won't enjoy the simple pleasures of life.
WilliamB you are so very right. I have an example of this right in my own family, my younger brother. He was doted on and coddled by my parents from day one, and it continues to this day, and he is in his late 40's. They have bailed him out of financial and legal trouble more times than I can count, drained their retirement fund ( my dad is 81 and still works full time). He was never denied one thing that he wanted, even when it meant financial strains for the rest of the family. I've given up trying to figure out why my parents did this, while they raised my sister and me so differently. My brother does not work, has had numerous health issues related to his own excess, ( he's 7 years younger than me) lives with a woman who has family money and a high paying job but they haven't married, presumably because she would make herself liable for the numerous liens and debts he has outstanding. The trend continues, for Christmas she bought him a new Suburban...*sigh*. His two children from his failed marriage always had the dirt bikes, computers and iPhones (presumably bought with money my parents gave him) and while we always had a big Christmas for our own kids, it did pale in comparison when we would get to Grandmas house for Christmas dinner, and they each had new laptops. ( or whatever). My kids never said a word, I was a stay at home mom and they loved every single thing we managed to get them...it was ME who had trouble putting it aside.
I hope you don't mind if I ask you how much you pay for allowance to your kids and if it has anything to do with their chores.
Thank you.
I read this article the other day about wealth addiction--very thought provoking and affirmative of the fact that having more material wealth doesn't necessarily add up to more contentment or satisfaction in life. Good lessons for parents and kids alike!
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/19/opinion/sunday/for-the-love-of-money.html?_r=1
Good article! Interesting to hear from the point of view of someone who's willing to see their own culpability and work to change it.
We are kind of in the same situation as the family trying to live within their budget. My husband has a business partner whose wife is a nurse (I am a stay at home mom), so naturally, their income is considerably more than ours. Their children (ages 7 & 5) each have a dirt bike and a 4-wheeler, the latest video games, tablets, etc. Our kids have lots of toy farm equipment (much of which belonged to their daddy when he was a little boy), we do have a wii (that our 10 year old bought with his own money when he was about 7), lots of legos, books, 2 dogs, and the great outdoors! And our boys are so happy and content! I think that a lot of times, we worry more about what other peoples' kids have and what our kids must be thinking when in reality, our kids don't really even notice. 😉
Oh, and we make our kids save up for things that they want when it's not close to their birthdays or Christmas. They have really learned to appreciate working hard for the things they have, and I've found that they take really good care of their belongings when they've had to pay for things themselves. 😉
We explain to our kids that certain things are outside of our budget. We feel it's important to have the basics, and to put money away for their college. That means we're frugal with our budget and can't buy everything they want. Our kids are OK with that, they're not the acquisitive type in general, but I think that's because we never gave them the expectation that they were going to have everything their hearts desired.
But there is some "wiggle room" for special things on occasion. We never GIVE big gifts, but our kids can work toward them. For example, my daughter, who is a voracious reader, wanted a Kindle Paperwhite, and she folded laundry at $1 a basket to pay for half, and then we paid the other half. She earned extra to get gift cards so she could buy books for the Kindle, and we also taught her how to find free and very low cost Kindle books.
BTW, this has not stopped her from using the school and public libraries--she really appreciates the books she buys on Kindle because they are coming out of "her" money, and she is pretty frugal with it. She always looks at the library first, and most of her Kindle purchases are either series books that have long waiting lists or are not available at the libraries, OR she purchases some of her favorite titles so she can reread them whenever she wants. Don't worry, we have plenty of "real" books, too. She often asks for those favorite titles in print books when her birthday comes around.
Especially when buying something pricey, having the child "buy in" to it is important because they know how precious the item is and take extra special care of it, too.
You haven't mentioned the sites that have free e-books, including Project Guttenberg (a gazillion books whose copyrights have expired), Celebration of Women Writers (women writers, ditto), and the "free" section of Baen books (a science fiction publisher who understands the long-term value of having a few books for free - I call it the "your first bite is free, little one" philosophy - and all the books DRM-free).
No doubt there are others ... anyone one have other sources of free e-books to recommend?
Have you tried free ebooks from amazon? They have tons! Some not so popular but sometimes you get lucky and find an expensive ebook on promotion and free for a short period of time before returning to normal price
To the lady who asked about parenting frugally, I read an interesting article from a UK newspaper on the subject. Her child is a lot younger, so I think that may make things a lot easier as he's not as aware, but it was still an interesting read. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/10211090/Successful-parenting-without-spending-money-a-mothers-story.html
We got our kids a paper route so they could save up to buy the extras they wanted and we couldn't ever afford to buy for them. They split the $65 every 2 weeks between the 4 of them and they've been able to purchase a 3DS, 2 iPods (and 1 had to save to fix her screen) and numerous lego sets. It's been great hearing what they're planning to save for next. Our oldest, 12, is now saving to buy his own iPad.
I've taught my son a few sayings which he says are very helpful:
1. People are more important than things
2. Big Hat, No Cattle - a Texas saying which means people who live large but have nothing substantial i.e., no real wealth or savings. For the most part it is a veneer.
3. People trying to fill God-sized holes - people who are lacking self-worth, happiness, etc who try to fill these "holes" with things (or drugs, alcohol, sex, being nasty to other people, etc.)
Excellent topic.
I enjoy your blog. It's one of the few that I make a point to read every day.
However, I respectfully disagree with your last suggestion to get your kids to compare themselves to some poverty-stricken child so that they see how much they have. That just sends them the message that they should continue to be comparative and that's the way you feel good about yourself.
I can't imagine that our Creator wants us to use any of his creations as a means to bolster one's self-esteem.
It's the same thing with volunteering with the poor. I run a volunteer youth program, and the last thing I want is someone to do is come in and think of my kids that way. People should volunteer because it gives them something to do, teaches them about other people, because it gives them joy.
I wonder if maybe you are misunderstanding my thought process (or maybe you understand it and you still disagree! 😉 )
I'm not looking at people in refugee camps and taking comfort in how much better I have it (that's looking down in an unhealthy way, I think.). It's just that I hear myself complain about my small foyer and then I think how someone in a refugee camp would look at my house. If they could suddenly move into my house, they'd pretty much feel like they were in the Taj Mahal. The difference in the way they would view my house and they way I view it when I'm feeling discontent...well, it's convicting. And it gives me new eyes.
I feel the same way when I look down the path of history. Like, when I complain about the heat in the summertime, I think how the pioneers would raise their eyebrows if they could see me. Here I am, living in a time where I have shelter and air conditioning and a refrigerator, and I'm complaining about the heat!
I hope that helps to explain things better. And if you still disagree with me, no worries. I just wanted to make sure I'm clearly communicating my thought process.
Kristen,
You are a wise women. Thank you for a great blog.
I'm willing to bet a lot of those folks who seem to be so well off are probably financing those new cars, vacations, big screen TV's and all those other toys!
This is a conversation we have had with our three girls (9th, 6th, and 2nd grades) recently especially with my 6th grader involving a cell phone. My youngest two go to a private school where my husband works so they are more or less surrounded by the haves and while we aren't the have-nots we aren't materialistic and couldn't find a reason for my 11yr old to have a cell phone (my 9th grader has one because she rides to bus to a public magnet school). When we looked at 6th graders with cell phones we discovered that most had divorced parents who didn't want to talk to each other so the kids were given a cell phone. What a lousy reason for a phone! Also, the kids with Ipads, the new Xbox, etc. that the kids didn't do much except play with their toys. We place much more emphasis on experiences and on the weekends can be found canoeing, horse back riding (rented horses!), going to the beach, hiking, going to free museum and garden days, and free festivals with friends and family. I will ask my kids what is so-and-so doing this weekend? Usually it's nothing and I will reply "Isn't it great we can spend this time together or do X?" The jealousy over time passes when the kids see the real trade off - parents who complain of lack of money, work all the time, and not being able to do fun things together because of all the stuff they have purchased and have to take care of!
Great advice, your Joshua is looking so handsome and grown up! I must not have seen a recent picture lately because it surprised me how much all your kids have grown.
I feel that way sometimes when I look at a picture of them, and I live here! =P
Your answer to the second question brought tears to my eyes! You are amazing and your kids are so lucky to have such thoughtful and intelligent parents!
Aww, thank you for the encouragement!
Thanks Kristen for the great tips for helping children be happy with what they have. It's something that has been on my mind lately. I've been focusing on filling my daughters life with experiences and meaning - rather than stuff. For example, we keep Christmas gifts very simple - but also spend the whole month of December crafting something simple together each day. It's our creative countdown to Christmas. I hope you don't mine me sharing a link - but I recently wrote on a similar topic: http://www.littleecofootprints.com/2014/01/how-to-want-less.html
Your children are gorgeous!
Thank you. 🙂
I'm thinking about blogging, as a way of chronicling how our family life has changed since moving to Michigan (from Alabama) and keeping up with family. Perhaps a new (albeit shared) scrapbook for a new era in our lives.
That being said, I have never blogged. I would like to get my own web address. I have not programmed in about 10 years and I do not want to feel like a dunce banging my head against the wall because I made the wrong choices first because I was too naive or not bold enough to just acknowledge my own lack of knowledge and ask someone who knows. I have seen where you have mentioned using wordpress.com. I looked. There seem to be mountains of choices.
So, as someone who has been at this a while (with a blog I like), what do you recommend for someone who is just starting out? If I buy my web address, without going for the standard upgrade package(~$99), will that most likely be a waste of money if I stick with it? (Meaning, if I stick with it, am I going to probably end up spending money on the upgrade, which would have included my .com name?) Also, your nifty layout, did you do that yourself or did you have to add that on?
I have so many more questions but I think that is a good starting point.
Thank you for all of your time (and great recipes, etc.),
Marianna
Hey there-
If you're just wanting to blog for fun and not as a business, then just go straight to wordpress.com and sign up. It's free and easy! You can always upgrade to a self-hosted blog later if you want, but you can stick with the free and easy model to start out with. That's what I did back in the day.
Holler if that doesn't answer your question.
Well Justin Bieber has money and stuff...I don't think that is bringing him happiness. Money & stuff seems to be his downfall.
As one of my friends would say, if I have food in my belly, a roof over my head & a great family then I am good.