Five Ways to Fight Discouragement
I decided to just embrace the whole five theme this week. 😉 See two previous posts (Five Things That Are Making Me Happy and Five Frugal Things)
While discouragement isn't limited to the financial arena, it's true that there are a whole bunch of ways that discouragement can drag you down when it comes to money.
For instance, you might feel discouraged about:
- how low your income is
- multiple unexpected expenses
- how everyone else seems to be retiring early and you are struggling to buy groceries
- how long it will take to pay down debt
- how long it's going to take to save up for item X
And of course, there are countless ways that you can be discouraged about the non-money things in your life too!
Although I know I have a "cheerfully living on less" tagline on my blog, I get discouraged too, and I have to fight to get to a cheerful place.
So, in keeping with the five theme we have going on this week, I thought I'd share five things that help me to fight discouragement.
1. Stop comparing.
I know the whole "comparison is the thief of joy" thing has been beat to death, but my goodness, it's so true.
Comparing my financial position to other people's breeds discouragement.
Comparing my blog to other people's can make me feel down.
Comparing my home to other homes can quickly make me feel like mine isn't good enough.
But when I remember that my journey is mine, and that other people's success really has no bearing on my situation, I feel less discouraged.
If someone's running faster than me, that doesn't change anything about my speed! I'd be running the same speed no matter what speed they were running. But focusing on that faster runner makes me FEEL slower.
Keep your eyes on your own journey, not on someone else's.
2. Look at how far you've come.
This can be a helpful kind of comparing...where you are comparing yourself with yourself.
Maybe you have lots of student loan debt left, but look at how much you've paid off.
Maybe you aren't going to be able to retire early, but you are no longer living paycheck to paycheck.
Maybe you're not making $200K/year, but your income is a lot higher than it used to be.
3. Focus on consistent progress.
I know many wise people will tell you to be goal-oriented, and I think there's value in that. But sometimes, focusing on a goal can be super discouraging, especially if that goal is enormous.
When I started saving up to pay cash for my van, I felt discouraged about how many bazillion months it was going to take to reach my goal. I felt better when I stopped thinking about reaching that huge number and instead focused on consistently meeting my monthly van savings goal.
Concentrating on the steady plodding felt better than looking toward a goal that was so far in the future!
4. Frame things as choices.
If you feel out of control, stuck, or like you are a victim of circumstances, you are pretty likely to feel discouraged.
But if you re-frame your situation using "choice" language, you will feel less discouraged and more in control.
You might feel like you have no choice but to say no to new clothes, no to eating out, no to a bigger house, but usually those things ARE choices.
You could choose to buy the clothes, eat out, and get a bigger house, but you are choosing to make wiser financial decisions, and you are choosing to avoid debt/pay off debt.
And by saying no to some things now, you are choosing to set yourself up for a better future.
5. Do self-care that doesn't derail you.
If you're feeling down about something financial, see if you can think of something inexpensive or free that could lift your spirits.
I'm sure you can easily think of some expenditures that would offer you some cheer, but spending more money is probably just going to make you feel even more discouraged!
Only you know what's helpful for YOU, but perhaps you could:
- watch a free movie
- go for a walk
- talk with a friend
- give yourself a pedicure
- eat a little treat,
- take time to read a book
- get out into nature
- make yourself a tasty drink
You might even want to make a running list of inexpensive self-care ideas so that you've got something to refer to when you are bogged down in discouragement.
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There are definitely more than five ways to fight discouragement, sooo...
If you've got something to add to my list, leave your anti-discouragement idea in the comments to help out your fellow readers.
Timely post for me. We've got medical bills coming in, along with having to add *gulp* my teenage son to the car insurance in a few months. *insert horror movie music* I'm doing my best to focus on the more positive aspects of life, because the bills (and some other crummy things going on in life) are not things that can be changed. It's not always easy, but I'm hoping to kind of retrain my brain to always find the good, instead of harping on the negative. Crossing my fingers that it works!
I read an article (New York Times, I think?) not so long ago talking about how gratefulness actually does rewire our brains, creating something kind of like gratefulness pathways.
And the more we use those pathways, the stronger they become. It's the opposite of a vicious cycle!
I feel you SO MUCH on the teen car insurance thing. We have our kids pay half of their bill, but still, it's a lot.
I find it helps to focus on my goals and values. For example: I don't have a big or fancy house. Sometimes I see houses like that and get envious. Then I remind myself how much I dislike cleaning, and imagine how'd I feel if my RE taxes doubled.
For non-financially-destructive self-care, consider a supper club. They're a great way to get together with friends without breaking the bank, and you can use various ways to save on the food you bring. I find it helps to have a set meeting date, such as "second Friday of every even-numbered month."
Zoe and I were on a walk in a very fancy neighborhood near my parents' house recently, and she was like, "Ohhh, I wish I could have one of those houses." But then I reminded her how much she hates cleaning bathrooms and how many bathrooms those houses probably have!
Location is another factor. I am very happy with my city location; to afford one of "those" houses, I'd have to move to the suburbs. And I hate living in the suburbs.
I know now that you mean supper club as in, a group that gets together for eating in the evening. However being from Wisconsin my first thought when to Supper Clubs- a specific type of restaurant that is popular especially in rural areas- and I was so very confused, sitting here thinking that Supper Clubs are actually pretty pricey! ... LOL!
Another Wisconsinite here, and I was confused about what supper club WilliamB knew where he could "bring food!" The next thing I know, he'll be talking about making his own old fashioned.
Ha! You learn something new every day.
What a wonderful post. I have been following you since your kids were little (I was around when you were on a Christian TV segment). You have faithfully blogged day after day, ... year after year.
I love reading your posts, they are a huge inspiration. Thank you.
Aww, that was so long ago! 2010, I believe. Thanks for sticking with me for so long, and I'm delighted that my posts have been inspirational to you.
The choices part is so important! Hubs and I tend to complain about our jobs like we're forced to be there. I keep reminding myself that working is a choice (and a privilege!). It's the one thing that's helped us dig out of debt. When I remember I'm in control of my choices, I feel a lot better.
And celebrating how far you've come is so important too! Definitely makes it easier to reach the finish line when you appreciate your hard work.
One thing that I love so much about your blog, Kristen, is that it puts into words the values that my parents raised me with. The words help me refocus so I can live my adult life with and teach my own kids these same values. Thanks for being a steady source of inspiration to be content, frugal, and present.
My wife and I were having a discussion the other night that kind of fits into this. A relative of hers got a big fancy job that is definitely more glamorous than what I do and probably pays more. Well, it's also volatile and now he could be laid off. So I have a "boring" job but one that has been stable(ish) for over a decade. I hope to stay here for a lot longer so I'm grateful that I've been here this long.
Is it perfect? Of course not! It has, however allowed me to get a house, be debt free (well, except for the mortgage) and I don't really work slave hours, though I do put in (paid) overtime from time to time.
Right now I'm not complaining about money as much as I am about time to do the things I enjoy and having people around to enjoy them with. Unfortunately I've grown kind of isolated in the last few years.
My husband likes to say that its all about scale and scope. You cant have everything you want, but you can have some or most. We won't live high on the hog wen we are retired, but we will live within our means and still find ways to enjoy things we like. So maybe not a $30 bottle of wine more than once a week. But that bottle we will definitely enjoy when it comes around. And we can reduce our expenditures without feeling deprived simply by being mindful of what we spend and making those purchases count. Does that make sense? We aren't struggling, but we want to get into that state of thinking before we have reduced income.
1. Appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you don't have. We went to China last year and biked thru some villages that had one water pump for an entire village where everyone had to fill buckets to carry back to their homes. Seeing an elderly lady carry two full buckets on each end of a stick and families washing clothes in the river made me so grateful for basic indoor plumbing.
2. Stop and smell the roses. I've been trying to live more in the moment instead of being so focused on the future. Take time to appreciate the natural beauty that already surrounds you.
3. The turtle wins the race, not the hare. Be the turtle.
4. You know how you did a list at the New Year where you wrote down all that you Did accomplish during the previous year? That was so motivating and I really loved that idea.
5. Surround yourself with like minded people who share similar goals, even if it's someplace like this blog (which I love to read and find so much inspiration from).
As a corollary to your #1) Stop Comparing, remember that the thing you might be a little jealous of is only one part of the person/family's life, and there's more to their story. If you knew the whole story, maybe you wouldn't change places.
As many have mentioned, I have found gratitude for what I do have to be a good antidote for discouragement.
Wonderful post. I find that a wonderful way to boost contentment is to simply make something in my life a little ... better. Put more effort into making dinner, straighten up something around the house, figure out something to save money on, learn something new. When thinking about past trauma, brainstorm about how to get value out of the experience to help others. Simple things, but they work.
Excellent reminder! Thank you!
I need this today! We are living on much less than we were 10 years ago and even cutting way back, we frequently struggle. We seem to be going backwards.
I find having good relationships helps me, and not comparing my life to others is the number one way for me to quit getting discouraged. I'm glad to see it is number one on your list, too!
Oh man. This has been a highly discouraging time period for me, with all the upheaval of moving and some issues we've had to deal with in our new place.
I would go so far as to say this is the most I've struggled emotionally as an adult and parent. There are definitely times that I want to just curl up in bed and let someone else be the adult.
But I remind myself that I just HAVE to do some things--non-negotiables like feeding my family and making sure we have clean clothes--and so I just . . . do them.
That sounds kind of stupid reading it, but I've always been a person who does the things I have to do because I have to do them, without thinking it through too much.
Also I remind myself that every phase of life passes, and this challenging one will too. Nothing is permanent, for better or worse.
I am truly sorry about the official, hands-down, no-question, World's Worst Walmart©®™.
Best of luck. Keep writing! Chin up and yes to more peaches. 🙂
I second this! Your wildlife posts on your blog lifted me out of a depressing place...I actually lol'd through tears many a night here lately! You have a gift, and you've been a gift to others, have lifted us up (and oh what a beautiful family!) - please do keep writing, and thank you for a wonderful lift/gift when I needed it the most.
I appreciate your sage advice and non-extreme view so much! Thank you for sharing!
I read Jordan Peterson's book, and I took his advice on comparisons.
Only compare yourself to who you were yesterday. Period.
I found that I no longer beat myself up about what happened last year or ten years ago. I simply strive to be a better person today than I was yesterday. Most of my angst has melted, and I, too, feel a great sense of gratitude that I am healthy, have great friendships, and generally enjoy each day as it comes.
Oh I like that Libby; thank you
1. Pray
2. Exercise
3. Pamper myself
4. Enjoy family time
5. Read uplifting topics & TED Talks
Timely topic. We have just had a $100,000 sewer disaster (not covered by insurance), skin cancer, back problems with my husband where he can't work (really bad when you have a major sewer disaster), water turned off in our house...no washer...no water in our kitchen...can't cook. All while my son was trying to start his senior year of high school. It's been a bit depressing...I'm trying to keep it positive for our teenager who is also trying to apply for colleges right now. Thanks for helping me think positive. I am going to try to watch some TED Talks!
Omg, $100,000??? Bless your heart! We had a $10k water problem and I just sat down and cried. We survived, of course, but I can't even imagine $100k! Being without water is worse than being without power, been there done that on three different occasions, so I totally sympathize. Sending positive thoughts your way. Good luck to you and your hubby. I suffer with back problems as well; I highly recommend meditation...it's the one thing that works for me.
Oh my that is huge. I am so sorry.
Oh my goodness! $100K. Ohh, that is so awful. I am really, really sorry!
EXCELLENT post! SO many great truths in here.
One I would add is distraction, within reason. Podcasts while folding laundry while kids are napping. Laundry is inescapable; naps are a great blessing; podcasts redirect and enrich your thinking. (Nothing against music, but often the same thoughts you think without music are the thoughts you think when music is going — no redirection there.) Ask friends for podcast recommendations to diversify your outlook, too. It's easy to get in a rut where the same ideas come up over and over and over again, and if those ideas are simply not applicable to your life, it can be terribly discouraging.
(for example) (too much self editing in that second sentence!) (sheesh)
Great point, Karen! I find, too, that listening to music doesn't stop me from ruminating. Too much time to think!
Thanks so much for this post! I enjoy them all, but this one hit home for me today. One thing I often forget when I'm discouraged is to make something, anything; it could be putting paint on paper, writing a poem, creating a beautiful breakfast...It always helps, if I can remember. My other key thing is to reach out to family & friends, find out how someone else's day is going.
Adding to what others have said & in no particular order:
*create something
*call someone who I love
*put on music & dance
*write poetry or journal
*listen to a funny podcast
Thanks for this post. A very discouraging time of life here (a potty trained child decided it's too much effort to go to the bathroom or to stand still and make one puddle rather than a continuous puddle that stretches the entire length of our house + with a tube fed child whose bed gets as much food as he does=So.Much.Laundry on no sleep because one child likes to stay up all night and sleep all day.) This too shall pass. i'm drinking my half-caff coffee and rocking in my chair with a little diffuser of lavendar going. Trying to relax before I have to face the miniature minions again.
Potty training was SO HARD for me. Seriously one of my least favorite parts about small kid parenting. Hang in there!!
I sometimes get discouraged over people getting so easily discouraged! 😉
Ask yourself if you are doing the best you can. Have you put forth your best effort? If not, then make your plan to improve and act on it! Feeling sorry for yourself won't help you reach your goals but hard work can certainly help. You can't always expect success with no failures along the way.
Do you have any control over what is causing your disappointment? If not, then realize there is nothing more you can do and make a plan to move on.
Set realistic expectations. If you have a lot of children, you can't expect to retire as early as someone with no children (all other things being equal). If you shun learning new things and skills, then you probably should not expect to keep getting higher and higher paying jobs.
Help somebody less fortunate than you. If you think your house is not good enough, spend time helping the homeless. Go visit a third world country (and take any spoiled kids with you) to see how millions of other people in the world live. Go visit a nursing home, hospice center, or hospital. Help a war veteran. Help the lonely senior that has no family or friends and needs a kind soul to care about them. You'll find you won't be so discouraged about your own situation.
I think the issue is not so much that people get discouraged...what matters is what you DO with that discouragement. It's a normal emotion that pretty much everyone will experience at some point. But as long as you don't wallow in a helpless, victim mentality about it, I think you're good.
Like you said, ask yourself what you can do about the discouraging situation. And if you can't fix the situation, then you can focus on your own mental health and figure out some things that can help you deal with the unfixable situation.
Yes, it is important what you do when discouraged; however, I've seen so many people get discouraged over the pettiest of things. If they could somehow get a better perspective then they'd be so much happier overall.
Working on the source of the discouragement will help much more than resorting to temporary distractions that just get your mind off of it for a little while and do nothing to solve the problem. Overeating, for example, will not solve financial problems. It is easy to get trapped in the mindset of just comforting oneself to make one feel better rather than the more difficult path of actually doing something about it.
I totally get what you're saying, and my tendency is usually to focus on fixing the problem rather than on making myself feel better.
But lately I've started to come around on the self-care part of things for this reason: If you can do things to get your mental state to a better place (sleep, work out, eat a healthy meal, talk with a friend, take a nap, etc.), then you are often in a better situation to think clearly about the problem at hand. Whereas if you are tired, hungry, or isolated, you aren't going to be very rational about the difficulty you're facing.
Exercising, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, etc. are all basic necessities for a quality life. However, those things alone won't ensure you have the right mind set to tackle the obstacles in your life. Plenty of people make stupid decisions while full and hanging with friends! It is also easy to keep making excuses and the time to sit and think and do something never comes!
Sure, self-care isn't enough by itself. But making sure those things are taken care of will ensure that hunger, exhaustion, etc. aren't clouding your judgment.
It's kinda like being hangry...in that state, you might feel like everyone you live with is an annoying idiot. But then you feed yourself and you are able to see things more rationally. Is it possible that one of your kids' behavior IS really annoying and needs to be corrected, and you need to change your parenting? Sure. But you might as well at least feed yourself first before you try to deal with that because you'll be in better shape to do it!
I see this as a both/and kind of thing rather than things you need to choose between.
About the being hangry and not correcting kids behavior until you've at least fed yourself -- maybe you have just explained some of the horrible behavior you see from kids in restaurants! The parents haven't eaten enough yet! 😉
Eat a half gallon of ice cream. Works for me?
I had a thin teacher that loved to tell the tale of eating a half gallon of ice cream at a time. She died at an early age - found dead on her kitchen floor. Apparently, that strategy did not work well for her and I would not advise it even in a joking way to anyone. Small indulgences every now and then - yes. Gorging - no!
Hahahahaha! A situation make me feel so bad a couple of weeks ago I went out & had my favorite brunch sitting with the sun streaming in - sririacha bacon on thick toast with avo mash, cilantro, & poached eggs, I then went to an expensive shopping strip & window shopped, went to a chocolatier & bought myself a chilli hot chocolate & a big box of handmade chocolates that are my favorite ( they have them in jewel case-like counters & you choose the ones you want; I told them it was a gift so they gift wrapped them for me, I came home, made a big cup of tea, heated up my wheat bag & got in to bed (it's very cold here) & ate the chocolates watching comedy on utube; very expensive day but felt so good.
This post is timely. I met my daughter for coffee before she worked today. She was talking about home ownership and how difficult it is for young Australians to break into the market. I told her it is possible but she needs to remember a starter home is not necessarily a forever home. I felt a fraud as due to divorce I no longer own a home. However, I have a roof over my head and I know what my retirement income will be...it is better than now but very low by national averages. Keep on plodding.
Suzan I know it's so hard - I just got into my first place after a very long time- you may know this but she can save for a deposit through super for high interest & low tax & tell her to educate herself as much as she can - I started with moneysmart.gov.au & found it super helpful.
Love your post! So timely and helpful, in these days of social media, etc. Your flower pictures are so pretty. Reminds me that I need to be mindful and choose how I look at things. Life is too short.
Thanks for this! My fiance and I are trying to keep our wedding small as we don't have a lot of money. We're trying to DIY as much as possible but there are a few things that are important to us that we believe should be left to experts. I'm 38 and he's 46 so we'd like to celebrate well as we've looked for each other for a long time. But anything with the word wedding attached seems to be crazy expensive.
I'll admit I've gotten a little discouraged as I've seen most of my friends get married and we just don't have the ability to have a similar wedding. I'm trying to stay focused on the important things though. Thanks for this reminder.
You know Nan the loveliest, most memorable, special wedddings I have ever been to were funnily enough the cheapest. when my sister got married my dad was dying of cancer & couldn't walk her down the aisle, my parents had lost their house & business, & my sis & brother in law did not have a lot of money - it was suggested it may have to be bring a plate; we had smorgys her which was $10 all you can eat restaurant & I suggested that; we rang them & they agreed to rope off a separate section that had full window views over a large green tree filled reserve & was really nice inside - 150 guests total reception cost $1500, my farming cousins thought it was the best wedding ever because it was ALL you could eat with a wide range of food, my gran ate 5 desserts instead of mains & my dad asked his best friend to walk my sis down the aisle. The bride & groom came home to spend time with dad in after the reception, he died 2 weeks later. Don't worry about the money love each other, make it YOUR wedding.
Aww, that's hard. But I'll second what my other reader said, which is that expensive weddings are not necessarily the most fabulous or memorable ones. I'm sure that you will pull off a lovely wedding, even on a budget.
And congrats on your upcoming marriage!
Thanks Kristen & everyone else for your comments, this was very timely for me too. I've had so much change going on & keep meeting people that put me down for being single, I finally have a place of my own but it feels sometimes so overwhelming the things that need doing but I decided the other week - every time I go home I will make it better - the first day I washed the inside of all the grimy windows & I did feel better. I also started writing list of things I have accomplished & ticked them off, psychological trick but it really does make me feel better.
I'm trying to live one day at a time more & take the time for things that really matter to me - like talking with my nieces & nephews on the phone today long after I planned to get packing more stuff for my move. I learned to make my own chilli hot chocolate which is HEAPS cheaper than the one I bought above. Take note of the good things & be grateful, counting your blessings really dies help. I've been stressed about money then met a homeless man the other day it is really cold here ( well for Aust) it went down to zero Celsius that night. I gave him $25 & looked him in the eye as I talked to him & he was so shocked as he hoped for a couple of coins. I thought after - I go to a church where single people are not equal human beings & I have a scary mortgage but I cried thinking about that man in the cold that night I am blessed.
Aww, so much love to you. Being single is no reason to be ashamed...you do you, girl!
Thanks Kristen - mostly I am ok with trusting God with his plan but some of the comments get a bit much sometimes, today I feel much better 🙂 different church for Father's Day I want to serve where I believe I've been called & you have to accept people warts & all & look for the treasure & I have met a number of lonely isolated singles so thinking we need one of those supper clubs & now I have a place to host it! I will confess though I plan to visit a different church for Father's Day tomorrow as I know one that celebrates biological & spiritual Fathers & acknowledges that some people find this day hard for all kinds of reasons