Can you change the size of your "container"?
Today's post is another one inspired by my read through Ken Honda's Happy Money book; he wrote something that made me think, and I wanted to talk about it with you guys!
In one chapter, he made sort of a passing reference to a container as a metaphor for our monetary or material desires in life.
If we have a very large container, we can put a lot of money in, but our container feels rather empty, like we don't have enough.
But if we have a smaller container, it is a lot easier to fill.
Put another way....
If your container is the size of $10,000/month, your $5000 paycheck will leave it only half full.
But if your container is a $5000/month size, your $5000 paycheck will fill the container to the brim.
Attainable dreams: my dream car and my dream house
I have told you guys many times before about my dream car, which is a Honda Civic with a sunroof.
Sometimes people have chuckled at the fact that this is my dream car, saying, "Maybe you should aim higher!"
But I know that when I finally do get my little Civic, my heart will be happy. My "car desire container" is actually, factually Civic-sized, so my Civic purchase will fill that container perfectly. ; )
A bonus: this dream car is attainable!
I told you all recently about my dream house, which is honestly also rather attainable, except for maybe the part about being on top of a hill.
If I get a little house with a porch and an en suite bathroom and some wood floors...that will legitimately fill my "house desire container".
Can you change the size of your container?
This is the part I really want to discuss with you all: Can we change the sizes of our metaphorical containers? Or are they predetermined?
I'm not sure I did anything in particular to make the very attainable Civic my dream car.
I'm also not sure I did anything special to form my house desires into something pretty simple.
So, what is it that shapes our containers, which are really just our expectations? I don't know!
I suppose that, like many things in life, it is a combination of nature and nurture. The nature part is pretty fixed, and when we are kids, we have little control over the nurture and the influences around us.
However, as adults, we do have some choices over what we surround ourselves with. If we are around people who normalize having very big "containers" for almost everything, then that will seem normal to us.
But if we are around people who have smaller containers, that can help normalize a more attainable, realistic type of expectation.
This is the value I see in people who operate as de-influencers; instead of influencing you to upsize your container, they work to normalize a downsized container.
They say things like:
Here's a normal house that I am happy in!
Here's a normal body that I am happy in!
Here's a secondhand coat I happily wear!
Here's a free activity I happily do!
Here's a water bottle I got from the Goodwill bins!
(Oh wait, that last example is me.)
And when we see this kind of thing, I do think it can help to make our metaphorical containers a little smaller and a little more fillable.
Love the idea of a smaller container for your desires. I've recently been reading Walden by Thoreau and he talks about how having smaller lists of "needs" allows you to live more freely and easily. Deliberately adjusting the size of your container is powerful!
The ethos of this post is why I started following you. You are my aid to think of smaller containers and be thankful.
This is not my dream house because I can’t see the sea, but I could not have imagined living in a house with parquet floors and now I do. love them.
My containers have changed as I've matured. Also-- with my life's circumstances. At one point, our 3 bedroom house was too small. I can now see a time when that would feel like a palace (an empty one, nearly).
@Jody S., I agree. I think as we age and our priorities change, it is OK for our containers to go smaller in size.
And we don't have to start out with a large-sized container to realize that it is too big for us. Better to start out small and increase or decrease. Sometimes if you start out with a too large container, it could cause trouble in the long run.
When the MUCH larger (as in 3000 sq/ft) house across the street came up for sale, several people asked if we were planning on upgrading from our <750 sq/ft house. They were genuinely surprised when we balked at the idea, as our petite castle is perfect for my husband and me, as well as our three cats.* It's also been paid off since closing, which isn't something we could have done if we wanted more than we needed. I loathe moving, so we purposefully bought a house that's both perfect now and that we can keep up with as we age.
*Our couch is actually a daybed, which we did specifically so the cats had that much more room to play underneath. Our new-to-us claw foot tub has had the same effect.
@N, Love the vision of the cats under the claw foot tub! Perhaps stretching out one paw to try and snag a bare foot?
@JaeFi, Actually, they chase each other underneath! When my husband or I are bathing, they jump up on the tub rim or sit on the bathmat to keep us company.
As you say, I think we are all a mixture of nature and nurture. I think the size of our containers is also affected by the society we live in, and how much of a support network we have both on a local level and a government level. My dad was able to attain a 'larger container' than his parents because he had access to better education (as well as an innate desire to learn) and then had better access to a job and housing.
Unfortunately these days there is less of a 'straight line' to those opportunities simply by going to university, but on a general level, I think it holds true. My dream house is the Practical Magic house (or something like it), which is just that, a dream, but even my wish for a cottage by the sea is highly unlikely. I realistically hope for a medium sized house near the sea or a river, but I still don't know how likely that is! It's also a lot harder to own a 'good' house without inheritance or a partner...and now I'm making myself depressed! Obviously I cannot change those things, so I aim for realistic dreams and 'containers'. It helps that I am content with smaller things to start with, and Europe generally has smaller places to live. I read somewhere that in the US a lot of people compete for larger houses or 'McMansions' and those do not appeal to me!
@Sophie in Denmark, Yes, the competition does happen. Depends upon where you are and your circles. I've been thinking of buying when I return to the US, but in the locations I am looking it has been very difficult to find a home under 3000 square feet! There are often HOA rules that you must build over X amount of square footage...from what I understand this is to maintain the price per square footage when realtors do their comparative analyses for pricing. So sometimes, as you say, the container is built in by your environment.
@Sophie in Denmark,
I hope your realistic hope of a medium sized house near the sea or a river comes true! I bought an ~960 square foot home (not anywhere near a body of water, ha) as a single woman probably 30-ish years ago....and if my DH and I (and ultimately our son) had stayed there, it would be paid off by now. But, the neighborhood was starting to deteriorate when we moved, and the school district wasn't great, either (son wasn't born yet, but we were waiting to adopt). I think, unfortunately, that's much harder to do these days, but not impossible. Our current home is about 1800 square feet, and once son goes to college, we're looking to downsize. I'm in the US, and McMansions never held any allure for me. I still gaze longingly at the lovely, large historic homes in my little town, but have no desire to buy one (all that upkeep, repairs, etc.....no thank you!).
@FJB, That is crazy! I find HOAs weird in general, but it's even stranger that they demand x amount of square footage!
@Liz B., My friend managed to buy a house but she has a much higher salary (but I wouldn't want her job so I guess it evens out). When my parents were buying a house they didn't need anywhere near as much money. It's kind of depressing when I watch shows from the 90s and early 2000s and everyone has 'normal' jobs and big houses (I know this is also for television but I don't think it was especially unrealistic). At least for now I can rent near the sea! My apartment is tiny but I really appreciate that.
@Sophie in Denmark, I feel like living near the sea outranks any number of other house/apartment amenities. And, you have that already!
I love this analogy, and I agree that one can change the shape of one's container. By avoiding social media, mostly. When I was a kid, I used to hear about "keeping up with the Joneses", meaning that neighbors often would unconsciously compete with conspicuous consumption, as a way of proving they were worthy of living in the neighborhood. My mother did this a lot, and sadly, she had a friend who was quite well off and dressed to the nines--so Mom wanted to emulate her, and shopped constantly to keep her wardrobe up-to-date. (She also liked having friends who were not as well dressed or put together as she was, to make herself feel better. She was trapped by constant comparison to others.) Social media has done that for people by a factor of about a hundred!
That is why most of my blog feed is bloggers like yourself, Kristen, and Katy from the Non-Consumer Advocate; human beings are social creatures, and we tend to model ourselves after the people we're exposed to or around the most, IMO. And that's how I keep my container midsized. 🙂
@Karen A., when I first read today's post, I immediately thought of the "keeping up with the Joneses" effect. And I agree that it has a lot to do with social media and advertising. I'm glad I'm old enough now to realize that I don't want to keep up with the Joneses anymore.
@Maureen, and Karen A.,
The problem with "keeping up with the Joneses" is that the Joneses are probably maxed out on their credit cards and going broke!
@Fru-gal Lisa,
A friend of mine moves in a social circle full of folks with massive incomes (or whose spouse earns a massive income), and the pressure to "keep up" is intense. I almost fainted when she showed me a fancy ball gown type dress that was "marked down" to $1200 (she needed something to wear to a black tie wedding reception. The wedding in question cost well over a million US dollars). I'm glad I don't find myself in a social situation like that.
@Liz B., Should that ever happen, you could always rent a dress. I've done it several times and its always been a good experience.
@Fru-gal Lisa, I am a Warren Buffet fan - he still lives in his what-was the average American home. If people would stop increasing their spending as their incomes rose (I'm talking those make a living wage mind you), life would be better for all of us. Far too much of the real estate (read: residential/apartment buildings) being purchased by private equity/corporate/investment, it does not bode well for our country.
That Civic needs to be a manual transmission. And remember you'll need a friend or two to phone for picking up curbside/other finds. Honda is a reliable, long lasting auto line. The one I sold (260K miles) would still be on the road today if an inattentive driver hadn't rear-ended the person who bought it. If there was an "upside" to the car's demise, it was during Covid so the settlement was not too shabby for a 16+ year vehicle. It was replaced by a Honda Civic (manual of course, as was the "late" Honda).
@Selena, I'm sorry, I get so tired of that Warren Buffet's home trope. WB's Omaha home is 6,570 sf. WB also owned a home worth millions in Laguna Beach, CA. WB even bought the house next door for guests and connected them. WB may still own ranchland that probably has homes on them. Sure, it's awesome that WB has owned the Omaha home for so many years, but that home is anything but average. Sure, WB's frugal, but WB does not live like the Average American.
Sidebar: Every time I wrote "His" or "his" autocorrect capitalized it, as if WB was a deity. Thus the number of clunky WB's in my post.
I don't think our containers are fixed in size. Young humans only know what they are exposed to. As our exposure grows it becomes more complicated. I think there is some nature involved but I think our environment has a larger influence. Luckily we can tailor our environment to some degree by controlling the people we spend time with, the content we consume, the places we go, and many other ways.
Your blog, and The Non-Consumer Advocate are voices of reason for me. The few streaming services we watch we pay for no-ad content whenever it is available (we honestly can't abide commercials). I don't follow any influencers and barely use Facebook and Instagram.
The other thing that often comes to my mind is how people lived throughout most of human history. Even our "simple" lives today are so much better materially. Enough is enough and it makes life easier.
@K D, you've once again said pretty much what I was going to say, so I'll just second your various motions, especially the last paragraph. At least we're not out there beating our clothes on rocks, etc.
@A. Marie, and @K D,
A third "YES!!" from me. I do enjoy running water, HVAC, washers/dryers/dishwashers, all the comforts we've come to know and love. And as I get older, I need *less* stuff, not more.
@A. Marie, or carrying water by the bucket!
I’ve always joked that I’ve been “blessed with low standards”. I honestly feel sorry for those always hankering after bigger, better, shinier - it must be like being tormented by a perpetual itch.
@Heather,
Great point. I agree with you.
@K D, me too.
Love the message from this post. My husband and I were lucky enough, with the help of a small inheritance, to pay off our mortgage last year. We are a family of 3 in a 3 bed semi-detached house with a small garden and nice neighbourhood. Our family are still asking us when we are going to upsize, as we can now afford to. We are not! We are happy in our house, it is home and will be for many years to come, we don't need something bigger just because our bank account says we can afford it.
Isn't that the principle people who follow FIRE movement live? The less you want and decide to "need" = > container size, the more you can save....and you might not need as large as an income after all when you are used of a smaller container
Amen ?
When I was young, the shape of my container was often based on other's expectations and achievements. As I grew older, I developed my own reality, expectations and dreams. As a result,
my container changed size and shape reflecting who I am. My container is always more than 1/2 full. I am thankful for that, but I always dream. Right now, my dream is a new kitchen!
I think you can change the size of your container. For me, that's to stay off social media. The influencers make you think that all that (clothes, big house, etc.) is all normal.
Many years ago i stopped following a blog because I found myself thinking my own house wasn't good enough (we were similar enough in many ways but then she moved) and of course it is.
@Marcia,
I am reminded of a story where a rich CEO asked one of his employees if he and his little boy could visit so that his young son could see "how the other half lived." The worker said yes, we'd love that. The wealthy visitors stayed for a day, the rich little boy played in the backyard with the worker's children and kids from the neighborhood, saw how the worker's sons shared a bedroom, helped picked some vegetables in the garden and ate a meal with the worker's family. When the day ended and the CEO drove his son home in his expensive new car, the boy looked at his dad and said "I really didn't realize how poor we were until today."
Yup, living somewhere around people who are in similar circumstances to yours definitely helps. I sometimes feel vague dissatisfaction with my house when I've been visiting my family who live in houses that are most certainly NOT trailers with add-ons. But around here? Totally normal.
One of the most useful things for me is focusing on the fact that I have CHOSEN my life, and relevant to this discussion, my containers. I am not in this house because I had no other options. I am here because we chose this house so we wouldn't have a mortgage. I am not driving my beloved Honda because I couldn't afford a brand-new one; I chose to buy my older Honda because I didn't want all the features a brand-new car, or spending that much money. Choice, for me, makes the most difference to attitude.
I mostly laughed at the word "de-influencers." That is totally what I am. Although I suspect I need a different word for whatever it is when people read about my life and are extremely thankful they don't live like I do. 🙂
@kristin @ going country, Respectfully, you're wrong. I think there are many people (at least here) who long for the life you've chosen. It is difficult to be brave enough to choose going against the grain as you have done. Perhaps there are people who are thankful not to be washing clothes in the bathtub and thankful not to have a plague of locusts (me!), but those experiences only inspire the imagination. Many people desire your independence and fortitude. So, sorry, but you are an influencer 🙂
@kristin @ going country, 100% agree about reframing things as choices--we rode our bicycles to the grocery store yesterday to get a few things. When somebody commented on our bike helmets, they asked, "Is your car in the shop?" and was very confused when we said no. We chose to use our bikes to save gas and to be active, not because we couldn't use the car. It's also, for us, more fun to spend time together cycling than to ride in a vehicle. But it wouldn't be everybody's choice.
@Jody S., Thank you; that's very kind of you to say.
@Jody S., I 100% agree with your statement," kristin@going country is an influencer." She has chosen the life she wants, not the life society tells her she needs. I love reading her blog of the simple life.
It’s an interesting thought. I don’t think I’ve ever had a large container, nor has my husband, so I can’t answer the question of adjusting the size. We are in the extremely fortunate position of having achieved a comfortable (not huge, but well above the median in our low cost-of-living city) income with relatively few material wants. We’re happy with our modest paid-for house, our used cars, our comfortable old clothes, etc. This has enabled us to put our three children through undergrad, with some significant scholarships on their part, debt-free, and even help with grad school. I suppose we made sacrifices but it doesn’t feel like it.
Nor can I untangle nature vs nurture. We both grew up in modest circumstances, my husband more so than mine but not a significant difference. It was only as a middle-aged adult going through old paperwork that I learned the size of a family windfall inheritance that a parent had received when I was in high school. It had been significant, but my parents didn’t upsize their lifestyle, so I had no idea - and the source of the bequest had also lived modestly with no upgraded lifestyle when *their* circumstances had improved so dramatically.
@Meg in SoTx, forgot to add that I do in fact drive a (purchased used) Honda Civic with a sunroof and it is a pretty sweet little car.
@Meg in SoTx, we also have a Honda Civic with a sunroof. From 2004... lol... so probably not a dream car anymore considering it's over 20 years old, but it's been reliable and is so gas efficient! It was my dad's car before he passed away during covid. So I like to think of him if I drive it and thank him for the ride 🙂
Since then, it's been our teen-driver car, now on its third teen. It definitely has some cosmetic damage, but it's not really worth paying for the cosmetic repairs at this point.
I’ve, for much of my life, thought I have so much money. Where do I want my money to go to in addition to savings? Some of my containers are big and some are minuscule.
A couple of examples. I want my money to go to merchants rather than credit card companies so I try to pay cash when I can. Because of my unique work commuting situation there are times when my choices are taking Uber, taking a scheduled shuttle service or taking public transportation. Most of my cohorts take Uber but I usually do the shuttle. Although I adore and frequently use public transportation and I want my money to go there, in terms of my commute I don’t often take it.
And then there are times when my containers are quite large but as I approach retirement I’m eliminating some all together.
I think that my containers are naturally smallish. I strive for stability and peace. I liked this post a lot. I also drive a Honda Civic ( sport!). lol
This post and the many comments are so thoughtful and encouraging. I like the small container metaphor and I think that it also supports environmental health. Where I mostly have concerns is about how big to make the container dedicated to future healthcare needs, such as long term care. Our local media has reported on abuses and poor care in various facilities, and I have directly witnessed dehumanizing treatment from providers of long term care services. These experiences make me want to have choice about where to get care and to be able to change services for myself and loved ones. For sure, there are resource issues, but I think that having a large container of financial resources for this would help with having options for care. In the meantime, I try to find ways to advocate for better care for all.
@Sandi, you've touched on what most of the Commentariat now knows is a sore subject for me: the sorry state of elder care, at least in the USA. Although of course we should all be mindful of having savings for our old age, things in the USA are getting to the point where only the Rockefellers among us are going to be able to afford elder care, especially long-term care. Grrr. [Climbs off soapbox.]
And thank you for your last sentence. Such advocacy is urgently needed.
@A. Marie, Important soapbox! Glad that you can stand up there and speak for this need.
@A. Marie, This and the state of education trouble me. I am trying to balance being respectful of my father and pushing him to take care of himself physically because I don't want to need care outside of my home. There are zero local options I would feel comfortable with. The one I would feel comfortable with is in my hometown and 2 hours away from me. 🙁
@A. Marie,
Amen and Amen!
Fit now, my containers are working for me, but I can see making them smaller to fit a larger life, if that makes sense. For me, that is a smaller house and a simpler yard to maintain. A part-time job that doesn't fill my free time container as much. And a simpler way of cooking and eating, along with a smaller fridge. All these ideas are stewing around in my head (another container!) and coming together.
@Gina from The Cannary Family, This is similar to what I’m thinking, that as my containers get smaller things outside my containers get bigger. The more comfortable I am with my un-renovated old house, the more I enjoy working in my yard and garden. The less time I spend striving to make “improvements” in home decor, the more time I spend feeling content in my chair by the window. The less energy I put towards chasing a standard that actually means nothing to me, the more authentic I am to myself and others, and the more I enjoy my relationships.
What an excellent thought process. I've read all the above comments, and I can relate to so many of them. There are many factors that go into our "container size", but I think the biggest thing that shapes our early years is the lifestyle and expectations of the family that we were born into. From there, it gets more murky--some people have a greater desire to climb the financial ladder, and some don't. Many have noted the effect of social media, and I think that who we hang out with on a regular basis (coworkers, friends, family) can also affect our lifestyle expectations. One of my big motivators for participating in Thankful Thursdays is that it helps me readjust my desires and expectations. It's a very tangible way for me to shift from "I want new flooring and I've waited too darn long to get it!" to "I'm so grateful for a paid-off warm home in a safe and friendly neighborhood on this frigid December morning" (and yes, those are real-time thoughts of mine). I have also found that getting older has caused my desires to shift--some things just aren't as important to me as they used to be. I guess that's me getting more mature. 🙂
The key seems to be that people have to want a smaller container, and that's not all that easy. Maybe container preference is innate, experience, neighbors' or friends' influence, or social media, who knows; but I think choosing to re-size your container is equally mysterious.
(Like others who have mentioned social media — upon realizing demoralization because of not seeing the good ideas for the comparisons, Pinterest went the trip.)
Here's an example of why I think this. Physical example, actually. I drive a lot, but I don't want to drive anything reasonable like a Civic (and I had an Outback for a while, which was fine enough for then, but not the box I wanted). I want a Suburban. Yes, there's a lot of utility in it for a family of seven. But also, I like that hulking thing. If I could build my own vehicle, it would be super basic — rubber mats, bench seats, push buttons, no screens (but power locks and windows, lol). But it needs to be big.
@Karen.,
A lot of times, bigger vehicles are very useful to a frugal life: think being able to haul some things. If I see something that is a curb find, I can't always snatch it up and drive it home in my car. But when I owned my hand-me-down Chevy van (may it rest in peace), I could -- and did -- often get some amazing finds. Including furniture.
After retirement, my dad occasionally made $ with his van. He operated the family "shuttle service": if a friend or relative wanted to fly out of DFW airport (2 1/2 hours away), Dad would drive them there and then spend the day in Dallas either visiting his nephew or other friends or go shopping in the ham radio stores. (Dad was an amateur radio operator as a hobby.) I believe the rider(s) would pay him and/or buy his gas. It was a win-win situation for all concerned.
@Karen., I loved my Outback when I had only two children. I loved my mini-van when I had only three children. I still love our 12-passenger van (with the last row of seats removed) now that we have four almost-grown (and TALL) children, two dogs, and a lot of stuff to haul around all the time. I sometimes think I would like to drive a Mini Cooper or something when my children are all gone, but then I consider if I would actually feel unsafe in a very small car after so many years of big vehicles. Not sure.
@Karen., Why does it need to be big, outside of practical reasons? I notice that vehicles in the US seem so much larger than in Europe, even for people who don't have large families, and I am genuinely curious as to why that is.
@Sophie in Denmark, I don't know for sure, but I don't want to change the size of that container (physically or metaphorically).
There is that distinct utility aspect, with family size and also we do use it for some farm things, like towing a trailer. I also do see safety in it, as Kristin said — I don't like being in a little car on a highway where my head is even in height with semi truck tires.
But eventually not all the kids will live with us, and yet I think even if I didn't have to pull a trailer, I would still want a vehicle that was taller than me. It's not something I can explain.
Is it something about my personal space, just needing that room to move along with me? I don't know.
@Karen., Thanks for your thoughts! It makes sense not to want to be in a small car with large vehicles around you.
I love this question. I agree that it is a combination of nature/nurture, with cultural influence and maturity also thrown in. This is one of the reasons I read this blog. To counteract the cultural messages for MORE MORE MORE. To be comfortable in my decision to live below my means. To feel confident in my choices that NO, I don't actually need that, that secondhand is JUST FINE, and that GOOD ENOUGH is great.
Wow, you just helped me put my finger on something. Through an unual series of events, the home we bought for our family far exceeds the size of my container. It's lovely, and it has served its purpose well, but I've never felt very attached to it.
I don't need 14 foot ceilings and custom everything to be happy. This lightbulb moment has been brought to me courtesy of The Frugal Girl. Thanks, Kristen!
@Dicey, Ugh. "Unusual" series of events.
My container sizes have changed some, but not a whole lot. I always wanted a smallish home, though not as small as my childhood home. Back in the day, it was magazines: Southern Living, Coastal Living, Better Homes and Gardens, then Martha Stewart appeared on the scene and made it much worse. I have cancelled all home and lifestyle magazines and I never ordered any fashion magazines. I don't follow any influencers, don't watch home improvement shows anymore and gave up even thinking about the "color of the year" or the return (or retirement) of a certain decorating style.
(BH&G sent me a free magazine a few months ago, to lure me into a subscription, which didn't work, but I thumbed through it and laughed to see the pages of heavily patterned and color-and-pattern coordinated rooms as a "new" look. It hearkened right back to my younger days, when it was all the rage.*
*Please see James Lileks' book, "Interior Desecrations" for examples.)
I never wanted much in the way of houses, cars and clothes, even jewelry. I do adore pretty china, silver and glassware, but I'm hardly following the crowd on that front - they are much less popular than they were when all new brides-to-be were expected to register for them.
As I've grown older, I've found I'm happier with smaller containers. The only place I still have a larger container is my retirement savings. I still aim to save all I can as long as I can.
@JD, I love James Lileks so much. There is still a website for his "Regrettable Foods." https://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/
@kristin @ going country, and @JD, another James Lileks fan here. I'll check out Interior Desecrations. And I'm delighted to have the link to the website.
@kristin @ going country, A. Marie,
I get such a kick out of reading and even re-reading his work. I'm glad to find others who do as well.
This post and the comments make me think of the quote, "Gratitude turns what we have into enough." I feel if we choose gratitude for what we do have, it will be a huge help in keeping our "containers" small.
Great posts! I grew up using a ledger system (if you want a good chuckle, look at what my 8 yo buckets were...heifer, 10 speed bike, snow gear). It took me 2 years to achieve these goals. As a young adult I drove a Honda accord, but I wanted a 4-runner. I saved and did side hustles and when I had enough for my dream car, I found a local contractor selling very basic, low miles Toyota pick ups for a great price. I drove it forever, then sold it to my best friend for a commuter.
Presently I am paring down my wardrobe, purging one closet and drawer at a time. I do have a small container to fill for my future old self. There is a fancy retirement village near me that is faith based, when it expanded 40 yrs ago, it asked for volunteer labor telling them that it was their sweat equity. Well, they priced out most of those volunteers. I stand on the same soapbox as Sandi & A.Marie, I am planning for my future care now, keeping it simple.
I've lived in apartments for most of my adult life (in NYC mostly) and so when we moved to our home last year in the suburbs for the school district, it really felt like we were moving into a mansion. It's one of the older homes in the area and much smaller compared to the new houses being erected but I really can't imagine living anywhere bigger and it feels perfect for my family of four. I feel super lucky we were able to move to a neighborhood with amazing free public schools. I'm sure the kitchen and bathrooms would be considered dated by everyone else, but for me I'm much more affected by dirt and clutter rather than any decor so it just feels homey and I don't feel any urgency to renovate.
As I aged, my house-sized container shrunk as did my wardrobe. I love living smaller! My husband is always nearby and I can find everything.
We have had the experience of selling everything we owned and moving to a different continent. We have had years of poverty while raising children. When our children were mid elementary school, we starting hearing the prediction that our children's generation would be the first generation that would be worse off than their parent's generation. I teased my kids that as tight as we lived, they had every chance of being better off than we are. And they are!
During those years of poverty we had scant furniture but had bought a new couch from furniture liquidators. A year later we were able to buy the matching loveseat and a TV. Our son was probably 1o and he came home to the new loveseat and TV and lay down on the couch and said, "I feel rich." I thought it was so cute and it made me happy that he could feel rich even though we were not well off at all. But another thing that helped was that we were surrounded by true poverty, so the bar wasn't very high.
I watch our adult children now with curiosity, to see how they live after their growing up experiences. They all indulge more than we were able to, but still below the norm.
Conceptually this is what my daughter and I have been power struggling with. My container is small (and admittedly sometimes small-minded). Hers is quite large. I worry that she will never feel fulfilled and satisfied; on the other end of the spectrum, I'm probably limiting myself. As her parent, it does not feel good to me that I can't satisfy that need that she has. But if this is truly a component of her nature, then I can only go so far with my nurturing. So now I'm in a place where I'm trying to frame things and get to where she's using her reasoning skills with some of it. I can't change that she has a want for things but maybe I can help bring some balance by teaching her some life skills like thinking through the decision, budgeting, and delayed gratification. I think the container is more or less built-in (emotion) but I feel like you can scale up or down (reason) based on mindset and skill.
@CrunchyCake, I think teaching your daughter those skills is so important. Good job!
From Henry David Thoreau:
“The question is not what you look at, but what you see.”
“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”
“All good things are wild and free.”
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away.”
“I would rather sit on a pumpkin, and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion.”
“However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. Love your life, poor as it is. You may perhaps have some pleasant, thrilling, glorious hours, even in a poorhouse. The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich man's abode; the snow melts before its door as early in the spring. I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there, and have as cheering thoughts, as in a palace.”
“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.”
I am very lucky that my parents were frugal and their containers were small. They left me and my siblings a solid cushion that allowed us to have choices (which I consider real wealth). I wished that they had spent more money on themselves, but perhaps their pleasure was in giving their 5 children good educations and a shot at financial stability.
My best childhood friend lived in the smallest house in the neighborhood (although none were large by today’s standards). She always wanted more and through hard work, luck, intelligence and sacrifice was able to achieve professional and financial success beyond what we ever could have imagined. I visit her once a year ( we are still BFF) and it feels like I enter an alternative universe. Her homes are beyond lovely but also over the top by my standards. I actually feel poor in comparison and it takes a few days to shake off the fairy dust and get real when I come home. I am thrilled that she achieved- by miles- her dreams of larger containers and still manages to enjoy and honor our friendship of many decades.
This also makes me think about the annual parade of homes held each spring in my community. I never attend because I find it sows discontent.
I think of the quote that's often attributed to Antoine de Saint-Expury: "perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." I think that applies to our life containers. As I get older, I don't want to add more things to the 'I gotta have/I want this', I want to take away things that I used to think I needed.
I'm definitely a cheap date in every area of my life, happy for a day trip to the beach instead of a week in Hawaii.
Nice water bottle, it looks somewhat familiar!
https://thenonconsumeradvocate.com/lets-take-the-frugal-girl-on-some-portland-adventures/
"Attainable" is an important word here. If your container is an appropriate size, it is more likely to be attainable.
I wish I could give credit proper to this quotation and I'll likely not do it justice "Being content is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."
I've ditched social media because it breeds discontent in me. I think its wonderful to have goals but since, at present, I dont have much agency, I'm spending all my energies being grateful for what is vs dreaming over what is not.
I made a comment before about the Honda Civic with sunroof. I have a Honda Civic with a sunroof. I would not buy one again. I would choose another good looking, compact, affordable car without sunroof. Of course you buy what you like.
Why do you dislike the sunroof? Educate me!
@Kristen, the sunroof in my Accord got very little use because the sun always cooked my head when it was open!
@Kristen, I will tell you my BF did not like my sunroof as her hair was not as think as mine and the sun, well, felt hot on her head. I've had vehicle with and without. Better half likes them and did use it, I might have opened the "shade" but rarely opened the "window".
@Edit, I had a New Beetle with a sunroof and LOVED it. Driving home from the dealership, I actually laughed out loud as I opened the sunroof on its little motor (both tilted up and all the way open). I don't think I ever closed the sunshade on it.
However, if you don't do the maintenance on the drainage, it will leak. In the Bug, the channels needed to be cleaned out every few years and I didn't know that.
I think the different stages of life changes your container. When the kids are younger we want more room in the house, but when they have grown up and moved out you want less room to clean . Same with a vehicle.
Yes, we can adjust our containers! As we mature and learn what it takes to earn our material lives, we can think about how many work hours it takes to buy X. Sometimes it ain't worth it. The longer I worked at underpaid rates, the smaller my containers got. I carry a brightly colored wallet for my cash and credit card, to remind me to celebrate what I have and not what I would like to have.
More than social media, advertising corrupts our senses of what our needs are. The premise of the classic ad is to make us feel that whatever we already have is inadequate, wrong, or flawed, so they can pitch their solution at their profit. If you miss this message, most of what you already have is just fine! The needs I generate by myself are a better shopping guide than anything Madison Avenue is selling. Somehow I do OK without designer clothes, expensive makeup, decorative shoes, exotic soaps and gadgets. Do I love fine clothes? Yes, and there is a time and place to wear them. But not often enough in my life to need a whole closet full. I also have a weakness for kitchen stuff, but have learned painfully that a pot or pan that looks beautiful on the shelf or in the photo, can be a pain to use and clean and store. It is a good thing to think through my spending.
This is an interesting question, reformable in several ways. "How can I be happy within my means?" "What size dreams fit me best, and how hard do I want to work and save to realize them?" "Someday I am going to have XYZ and then I will have made it." Time is a player here--is a container the same as a dream? Or does it represent a frame of mind? How much do we have to conform to a social group even if it makes a dent in our most genuine wants?
I've been blessed with my container being more full than not - a lot has to do with living below my means, even as my income increased. Since I am approaching the magical Medicare (but not FRA), I keep reading about the "target" retirement amount people think they need. That container is quite large and frankly, I think a bit misleading. Excluding LTC - which only the truly wealthy can afford, most will not need that much based on where s/he lives. The expectation of being able to have as must post-tax income as when you worked is not realistic (again, for those who were earning a living wage job).
As others have said, the container size changes throughout life.
This strikes a chord with me.
After years of being self employed farmers, hubby and I sold our cows almost 7 years ago and went away to work.
It's been nice having steady paychecks, mostly steady and expected (no big unexpected vet bills, for example) and health insurance through our employers.
Now we are thinking of making some changes as we near retirement, and we anticipate it being a challenge to perhaps change the size of our container again!
True happiness doesn't need a huge container, but it takes intentional planning to make the change!
I'm a Financial Advisor and I haven't read Ken Honda's book Happy Money. I do love the concept and I'll have to check out the book. The first place to start is your goals and dreams which will help determine the size of your containers (and your income, of course, both current and projected. Kristin is a great example of this. She was able to support herself as her blog grew & because she lived frugally. Then she enrolled in nursing school and knew that she would have much higher income when she graduated. So now that she working as a nurse, she can now increase the size of her containers and save to buy her dream car & house.). I absolutely do not believe that the size of your containers is fixed and they could be adjusted as your goals, dreams and income changes. My CEO was in town today and my team and I, along with my team, had about 5 hours with him which was so fantastic. He pointed out that it's much easier to spend today than save for tomorrow (an obvious point and with Kristen's amazing frugal blog, perhaps the reverse is true for this group or at least easier). One useful exercise is, after initially determining your goals and dreams which of course can/will change over time, then build your containers starting with your current income. For example, you can have a container for basic household expenses (mortgage/rent/utilities, etc.), risk management (health/life & disability insurance), emergency fund savings, retirement savings, college/trade school if you have kids, vacations, etc.. Assume your dream is to travel to all seven continents - that is an expensive dream and if you have a container for that full expense, you could be discouraged. So perhaps start with a much smaller container. Then for example, if you get a raise or if your child graduates from day care to a free public school, you can use part of that increase/savings to increase your container for your dream.) And sometimes life happens and you have to decrease your containers, hopefully temporarily. When you have identified your dreams/goals/containers/priorities, this can help you make spending decisions. If you are deciding between a new car and a used car, you may choose to buy the used car so you have more money to put in your seven continents container. Kristen, this has been a fun exercise to think about!
My sister is seven years older than me and my three sisters and she has the need for a huge container. I think growing up with only a little made her that way but I didn't seem to turn out the same. It is baffling how much she shops and buys.
Coming late to the game. I think you can change the size of your container, and doing so for most of us depends on the influences around us and deliberate use of strategic deprivation.
There’s another factor, I think, what I’m having trouble characterizing succinctly. The same choice can have different meanings for different people. My mother grew up poor and as an adult was quite interested in not only being well off but looking well off. I didn’t grow up poor. For me, buying a table at Goodwill demonstrates cleverness; for her, it demonstrates poverty.
Complicated subject and I keep writing and deleting additional thoughts. Guess it’s time to stop here, then.
I like the idea of "containers'! It would be great if more people "right-sized" their containers. They might find more happiness and contentment than they thought was possible! Too many people are still looking through the social media lens at the lives of people they know or admire and find themselves lacking. A bigger house, a pricier car, more expensive travel- the list goes on. Maybe they should try a daily gratitude list!
Kristen, I know you will get that Civic and the right house for you! No one deserves it more!
Hello, TFG. I just sent you a message. Check your email when you have a moment. - Dicey