"Am I getting a little better today?
I got put on call for four hours Monday morning, so I used some of the time to catch up on my horrifyingly full email inbox. Ha.
In it, I read this quote from James Clear.
"You have to run your own race. Problems begin the moment you start comparing your results to someone who is playing under different conditions.
The 40-year-old entrepreneur with three kids has different constraints than the single 27-year-old.
A painter with 20 years of practice shouldn't be the benchmark for someone in year two.
Someone caring for aging parents is not in the same position as someone with no obligations outside work.Play your own game. Emphasize gradual progress and keep the comparison internal. Are you getting a little better today?"
I know this is not a novel concept, but I thought it was a useful reminder, particularly in this age where comparison is so easy. Our phones offer an endlessly rotating view of people who are wealthier, fitter, more stylish, more successful, and more everything than we are!
I also thought about this in relation to the question I always recommend asking: "What CAN I do?"
But reading this quote made me realize that a change in emphasis could be helpful too: Instead of "What CAN I do?", try, "What can *I* do?"
Not:
- "What can my friend do?"
- "What can this celebrity do?"
- "What can my young coworker do?"
This way, it's a "What can I, in particular, manage? What is realistic for ME?" type of question.
And then when we implement the realistic-for-me plan, we can evaluate our progress by asking Clear's question, "Am I getting a little better today?"
For example...
If you work a job with super long hours, and have other constraints such as being a caregiver, you might struggle to cook and eat and home.
And it could be discouraging to look at people who have extensive gardens and preserve their own homegrown produce.
This is not something you can probably do!
But, maybe you could try to reduce, not eliminate, your takeout habits.
You could:
- buy some quick frozen meals (orange chicken and fried rice from Trader Joe's for example!)
- make breakfast for dinner (French toast plus scrambled eggs is so fast)
- double a recipe on a weekend and freeze half for future use
At the end of a month, you can ask yourself, "Am I getting a little better?"
Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough
On the internet, I see people doing seriously impressive things with their money; paying off all their debt, buying rental properties, maxing out retirement accounts, retiring early, and so on. This sometimes makes me feel like I'm falling behind, and I bet some of you feel the same way too.
But that's because we're watching other people play their games instead of focusing on playing our own game.
Maybe you can't pay off all your debt in the next six months, but perhaps you could pay off some of it, or you could stop adding to it.
Are you getting a little better? That's progress.
Maybe you can't max out your retirement accounts this year (I never have in my whole life!), but perhaps you could select to have 3% of your paycheck sent to your 401(k).
Are you getting a little better? That's progress.
Maybe I can't buy a rental house (heck, I don't even own a primary house!), but I have slowly made my way to a much better financial place than where I was a few years ago.
I got a little better, and that's progress.
They say comparison is the thief of joy, but maybe that's only true when it's external comparison. If we engage in internal comparison by playing our own game and watching for our own progress, that could be joy-inducing instead of joy-stealing.
And maybe the "Oh, I'm not doing enough! I'm falling behind!" thoughts should be a reminder to recalibrate and keep our eyes on our own game.
(Also, those thoughts might be a sign that's enough social media for the day. Ha.)
Good post Kristin! Basically that's how I try to cope - seeing and appreciating the (small) progress.
But sometimes I refuse to do so - striving for progress that is - and simply decide to stay put! A way of taking a little pause. Constantly working on progress....it exhaustes me sometimes
@Lea, I been thinking heavily about "progress for progress's sake" lately and feeling similarly. Breaks and slowness are morally neutral, just as progress is.
@FJB, morally neutral- I love that!!!
I love this concept! I am generally good at not comparing myself, although sometimes I think I should be more 'ahead' with savings or professional and personal progress. But I am happy with my own life and own goals; I have steadily been adding to an emergency fund account, paying back loans and will potentially be able to take a course in an area I want to specialise in which my workplace might pay for. I also got a paper written two months ahead of a due date, which is a win for someone who procrastinates!
I also started going to the gym and strength training this time last year. My goal was to go twice a week all year...I didn't quite hit that but I still went most weeks, which I'm seeing as an achievement, rather than a failure.
One final philosophical thought...it's helpful to look at goals and consider your personality to achieve them, and compare previous goals, as you said, but I also think it's important to take time out of running a race in general. We all need space to do nothing, breathe and just be - which ironically, often gives us the energy to finish the race! Kiki's Deliver Service has a great plotline about that! We should aim for things, but it isn't the sum of who we are.
@Sophie in Denmark,
I love your last paragraph. It's so true. We are so much more than the sum of our accomplishments. We Americans are told to do, do do while if we're fortunate we are also able to be, be, be.
@K D, Thanks! And yeah, I'm not a massive fan of the Puritan work ethic 😉
@Sophie in Denmark, My son just bought a book called _Vita Contemplativa: In Praise of Inactivity_ by Byung-Chul Han. Neither of us have read it yet, but I suspect it would be in line with your last paragraph.
@Sophie in Denmark, Agreed. Rest is so, so important in every area of life, improvement included. It gives time to recharge and to assess.
@Sophie in Denmark,
Take it from a former newspaper reporter/magazine writer, finishing two months ahead of the deadline* is a massive win! Give that gal a gold medal!
(*I won't say "due date," as it sounds like a pregnancy.)
@Fru-gal Lisa, Thank you! I definitely don't have anything pregnancy related haha!
A question I ask myself is, am I growing? Am I learning and using what I’m learning to help myself and others? A comment on one of Kristen’s posts a while back was about knowing your heart is growing even when you’re feeling discouraged (if I’m remembering correctly), and I find it very helpful to focus on that. Even though I’m in my 60’s, my heart can keep growing.
@JaeFi, I like this.
No. Too much introspection in any way doesn't seem to help me, positive or negative. Mostly, I just put my head down and keep going. As long as there's forward momentum, I figure it's all good. 🙂
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! If you don’t struggle with keeping your eyes on your own game, I see no problem to fix.
@Kristen, For whatever reason, comparisons are not something I struggle with. There are plenty of other things I do struggle with, but I guess I can be grateful that that isn't one of them.
I think that is amazingly wonderful! Go you!
@kristin @ going country,
Me too!
Does anyone else listen to Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness podcast (or read her many books)? She & her sister set goals equal to the last 2 digits of the year. My sister & I have done it together since 19 for 2019. My goals this year were so onerous that I often went to bed feeling like a failure- not because of comparing myself to others, but because of not meeting ridiculous standards I set for myself! I got rid of most of my fitness goals- I lessened them. I didn’t quit exercising altogether. I think it’s been a by-product of retirement & empty nest for me. Productivity defined my life for so many years that I now am trying to learn how to leave enough margin in my life to just be. It’s a good lesson & one I am so grateful for!!
Interestingly, this morning I heard a podcaster mention the concept of "chronic optimization" and it sounded a little like what you are describing!
@Diane, I used to listen to Gretchen and Elizabeth, and frankly, those high bar goals made me feel like a lazy loser.
Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, Gretchen Rubin means well, I'm sure, but I always end up tired after reading one of her books. And I disliked her personality categorizations: four types? Really? That's it. Humans are multifaceted, and may not fit into one category all the time, depending on the situation they're in.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, and of capitalism?
100%. I'm one of those people who works long hours outside the home, have a child, and am pregnant. For me it's a total victory if we avoid takeout dinners and if I make my lunch 1-2 times during the week. The flip side is that I earn a higher income than I would if I worked less, and that offers financial advantages (and believe me, the SECOND my residency ends I'll be working less!) I wouldn't want my SAHM friend, a champion thrifter and maker of magic on a shoestring, to feel bad by comparing herself to me financially, and I try not to feel bad about paying for shortcuts. Everyone's different.
YES yes yes to all of this.
@Meira Bear,
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you're feeling well.
@mbmom11, thank you! I'm really starting to feel better now, and no longer falling asleep at 8:30!
Still nauseated (though I didn't have hyperemesis...truly I cannot IMGAINE...my "moderate" nausea and vomiting was quite enough for me, thank you.) But oh so much better.
@Meira Bear,
Oh, beautiful news this!
Take care-
@Meira Bear, when my sister-in-law was raising two young children, she said it was a victory when she brushed her teeth and zipped her pants before leaving the house.
So glad to hear your pregnancy is going well!
@Meira Bear, Congratulations! Such wonderful news. Praying that you have a happy, healthy rest of your pregnancy, birth, and baby. You shouldn't have to do anything but the essentials when your busy growing a whole new human being!
Chiquita is rivaled in her feline indifference to comparison by Betty. The only external comparison that matters to Betty is how much food is in her dish vs. how much she'd like there to be.
And I'm with others in that I stopped making external comparisons of myself to others a good while ago. I sometimes wish I were doing things as well as I know I can do them, but that's another story.
For years now, "Comparison is the thief of joy" has been my mantra, but in recent months I've added, "but grattitude is a fountain of contentment." Works for Thankful Thursday!
@Laura, beautifully said.
My friend has the ultimate three question test for success:
Am I a productive, thoughtful, positive worker?
Do I love actively with a whole heart and generous spirit?
Do I laugh - enjoying life and all the wonders around me?
How do I gauge success? I am trusted and respected by others in the workplace. I lead by attraction rather than promotion. The people that surround me are generous. Spontaneous acts of kindness and joy appear in my life on a daily basis. I live in gratitude.
So yes I can compare my success to external outcomes. I just need to carefully choose which outcomes are the really important ones.
@Mary Ann,
Beautiful! Well said! Thank you.
@Mary Ann, these lines are beautiful: “ Spontaneous acts of kindness and joy appear in my life on a daily basis. I live in gratitude.” I must remember this.
@Mary Ann,
I Love alll of this! I to live in gratitude, too!
It wasn't long ago that I was working full-time with long commutes, and caregiving at the same time, and if I had tried to keep up with the Joneses I would have collapsed or given in to despair; probably both. I couldn't take time to even think about what the Joneses were doing. I didn't know and I didn't care.
Now I'm staring down the last couple of months before retirement (insert obligatory "Yahoo!" here) and I will have much more time. Will I fall prey to the desire to have the perfect wardrobe, house, yard and/or garden? I think my age will help deter most of that temptation. It's just not worth the effort anymore. However, it will be interesting to see if that temptation tries to creep up on me after I retire. I plan to slam it down, if it does.
I never maxed out my retirement either, and for years, I didn't have a work retirement plan, much less an employer that would contribute to it. It was kind of late in the game when I finally started getting 0.5% matching contributions from an employer. My current employer matches at 3%. The end result, though, is no, I'm not wealthy, but I have some money set aside for retirement. It was slow, but I have improved my financial position, and that's what counts.
I like the question, "Am I making progress?" Sometimes, I encourage myself with, "But I'm doing better at (whatever it is) than I used to do!" It feels good.
@JD, Congratulations on your pending retirement. I love it. Brace yourself for the shock of how outrageously expensive health care is, and how much of your budget is used for it. However, I have found that life in general is much less expensive. Life is filled with gratitude, joy, and deep contentment. (as long as I don't listen to, read or watch the news; and stay off most social media)
I've been doing a lot of thinking about what motivates me, which is sort of related. I'm pretty good at not comparing. There are moments of parenting that I found myself in that state, and whoa, that's really not helpful. Do you remember when kids crawl and walk at different phases & maybe you worried about that? eating milestones, sports capabilities, etc?
I'm thinking of flipping some of my goals in 2026, because I'm very positively motivated by things that allow me to take positive small steps. For example, I set a goal of getting 12k steps/day in 202. I'm going to achieve, barring some sort of health disaster in these last few weeks. I loved the small motivation to get up & go for a short walk on work days, or a longer hike on weekends to catch up. It was very easy to see my progress & I could contribute towards it every day. Now, flip that with weight loss, which has been a goal for the year, but more of a struggle, particularly as I enter menopause. I've decided for next year that I'm going to set some positive goals (e.g. eat X grams of protein & fiber a day, eat Z servings of fruit & vegetables), which feels like things that will motivate me & move me towards being healthier. Losing weight is such a long term, seemingly invisible slog that feels like an endless sea of saying no. I'm hoping to find that motivation that unlocks a bit more positive momentum for me.
@Hawaii Planner, I love this reply & I totally get it. I think about daily good decisions that contribute to health & then if weight loss occurs concurrently- hurray!
@Hawaii Planner, weight loss can be described as “a long obedience in the same direction”. Keep on agoin’!
A motto in my karate dojo is “Be the best version of yourself.” Inherent in that is the idea that you are competing with your past self and nobody else. If you had to fight yourself from a year ago (instead of the 6’4” 250-pound muscleman across the room), would you kick her butt?
I love how you have brought the same paradigm into a lifestyle of money management. This fits very well into the community you’ve built with people from all walks of life are encouraging each other.
Please, please, ask yourself "Am I getting a little better?" with caution. Remember the old Oprah magazine? The cover always headlined the ten things you can do to improve this or fix that or whatever, as though there were ALWAYS ten things we should be doing. Sometimes you have to rest a little and say "I'm pretty good right now." Especially this time of the year.
So, so true! And I do believe that social media is a big culprit that tempts us to make unfair comparisons! I know this, but it sure is hard to stay off my phone! ?
I like the idea of keeping your eyes focused on your own game, not someone else's game. The problem I have is that I tend to make my own game too difficult, with too many unnecessary rules! I need to not only avoid comparisons, but also try to focus on one thing at a time and remember to take breaks from trying to move forward at all. We all need rest sometimes. And yes, I am getting a little better at that, slowly.
Love this Kristen and I’m right there with you. I’ve started adding to my nighttime intentions: let me do one thing better tomorrow than today. It’s been a few months and it has worked wonders. It can be in any area as long as a teeny bit of progress is observable.
Years ago, around the time my first book came out, an agent named Holly Root posted online the encouragement for writers and aspiring writers to keep their eyes on their own paper. I have found this a really helpful way to look at all aspects of life…when I remember!
@Caroline Rose, excellent advice!
once again you are too hard on yourself. you are so awesome and you have launched 4 kids into adulthood. you are amazing. and you teach the commentariat wonderful things every day. please chilax.
I'm reminded of our high school's basketball coach/civics teacher who would say in his booming voice "run your own race!" I'd almost forgotten about that!
Your advice is very kind.
A coworker of mine wrote numerous books, played in a rock band and had an advanced college degree. And he worked full-time. I always felt inferior to this guy.
But, reading your article, I am reminded that he was married and his WIFE did all the housework, cooking and yardwork (or hired it out); he had his way paid through college so he didn't have to do anything but go to class and study; his moneyed parents didn't force him to come home and take care of them; he was given music lessons as a kid; and so on. He had plenty of time to develop his music, write books, etc. And I imagine the parents helped him put a down payment on his house in a better-than-average neighborhood. (Oh, and his wife eventually got fed up and divorced him...) He's now teaching at a college, where he has assistants do more than half his work for him (or so I'm told). He never made the rank of professor, and his Rate My Instructor critiques are dismal. It appears his students are not big fans. Some say if he'd actually *Teach The Subject* instead of subjecting them to his old "war stories," he might do better.
Meanwhile, I had to do everything myself; I had to work my way through college; I was heavily pressured by my family to come back to the hometown and help Mom take care of my aging, infirm grandmother as well as my terminally ill father; at age 7, I got exactly 6 weeks of piano lessons (my father wouldn't spring for a piano, I had to practice at the next door neighbor's, and when I was still struggling, my dad said "she hasn't made any progress at all," and stopped paying for the lessons. So he could fund HIS hobbies! And later wouldn't help with college costs, same reason.) I was told I was "ungrateful" when I wanted something bc hey, they'd adopted me, what more did I want? (Um, for starters: clothing that fit me/looked nice on me when I went to jr. high instead of raggedy old hand-me-downs from my eldest girl cousin, who wasn't even my size and didn't want to part with her good clothes. And maybe see a good dermatologist to get rid of the acne. No wonder no one wanted to date me!) As a teen, I was able to join a church choir, actually a singing group that staged some 1960s Contemporary Christian musicals, so I suppose, under the circumstances, I did better than expected in music. (I just now realized that, so thank you, Kristen!)
Not having the right "connections" in the old hometown, I pulled up stakes and moved to another state and worked there. No support, no family, few friends, as most people in that area hated the newspaper I'd been hired at. (Naive me, I didn't realize that the reason they hired people from out of state is that no one in that state would dare work for them! I mean, the Grinch has a better reputation than this newspaper's owner!)
And when that fizzled out, I put myself through Alternative Teacher Certification courses (paid for by myself), made straight A's at them, and was able to have a second career in education.
When I see my former students in the grocery store, they come up and give me a hug, say they loved my class, and have wonderful progress reports. (I even inspired one student to become a teacher herself, she told me! And after my first year at one school, the Valedictorian mentioned me in her speech, saying she hopes to follow my example and work hard.)
So I guess I did OK, after all.
Thanks for the therapy session, Kristen! It really helped!
@Fru-gal Lisa, you indeed have a story to be proud of, thank you for sharing it.
@JaeFi, I second that for Lisa!
@Fru-gal Lisa, kudos to you. My only hope is that more kids these days have the opportunities you did to rise above the tide. I will admit it is tougher for kids today to do what you did.
I will die on the hill of abhorring people who make the "hey, I adopted you" statement. How horrid.
I am much in agreement with this perspective.
I'd like to add that I am cautious about the "be the best version of yourself" paradigm. Especially if it is brought forward by people who are selling products, ideologies, likes, or personal or corporate branding. Or recent converts of the same.
In my experience people generally know when they could be stepping up a bit, and have a hard time recognizing when it would benefit them to take it a bit easier.
Yes, I will try some internal comparison today, thank you! I'm weaning myself off Instagram and I'm pretty much off Facebook because the external comparison they promote tends to make me anxious and dissatisfied with my life - like I'm not doing enough, you hit the nail on the head, Kristen.
@Book Club Elaine, and when you are completely done with FB and IG, you will have more time for things that matter!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, you are so right!!
I really love this post. Such a good way to look at things.
I have spent a lifetime feeling inadequate. Not from comparing myself to others but from hearing my father say, with some frequency, that he should have died in the camps if he produced worthless children. The idea was that someone who might have produced better kids should have lived instead of him. I, the oldest and a girl when my father wanted a boy first, became an academic super achiever, with top grades, skipping grades and graduating high school at 15 and starting college, finishing college in three years and going directly to grad school before I was 20. I never saw an A that I did not ask myself why it was not an A plus. I fear I made myself and everyone around me crazy with some bizarre sort of perfectionism built on children who never lived. My siblings, on the other hand, each and every one, dropped out of high school and were sidelined by drugs or alcohol before finally building stable lives. There was a big gap between me and the next kid, due to miscarriages and the death of the child after me and I was off in boarding school for most of their lives...it was years before I learned that instead of telling them about how he should have died, my father was asking them why they could not equal or excel my academic achievements. It took being with my husband that (sort of) convinced me that I was not a failure for not wanting to run a business or be in politics. Even now I sometimes have to remind myself that my father lived an unimaginably difficult and terrifying young life and that while he made me sort of nutty about achievement, he gave me a love of reading and encouraged me to be brave and outspoken not just for myself but on behalf of people who could not be brave for themselves. I was born in the 50s and back then not many girls were consistently told they were smart, capable of great things, and to be loud and proud when being brave.
@Lindsey, Your Dad did not deserve the trauma he suffered. Likewise, you did not deserve the messages you received as a result of his trauma. You are so inspirational. I wish I knew you in real life
@Lindsey, the people you have been brave for and who you have spoken up for have benefitted from difficulties you would never have asked for, but which have produced good in the crucible of suffering. I’m glad your husband has spoken truth into your life. I too benefit from a husband like that. Girls growing up in the 1960s generally didn’t get positive messages either.
@Lindsey, I could not say it any better than Diane and Elaine.
Amen. We love you, Lindsey!
@Lindsey, while IMHO not enough parents today want their kids to have it better than they did, I never spoke the words my high school was geared towards farmers, home economics, secretarial skills, or shop classes. Or other opportunities I did not have. I did expect them to work to their ability. I'd stand up for them when needed but be a parent when required. I am not my children's best friend nor should I be. Both kiddos are thriving.
My mom graduated late 50s and would be in total agreement of your statement. If she was born when I was, she could have had a career and children. It was not to be but she made sure my sister and I did not get pigeon-holed.
I know this I'm a broken record, and it's not possible for everyone, but it's so helpful just to not engage in social media at all. Blogs with positive, realistic commentaria like this one help me scratch the itch of knowing there are other people in the world and help me surround myself with inspiration but not jealousy.
For me, a good question is sometimes "did I contribute today?", where contributing can mean as little as sitting quietly when things are challenging.
Also, other random note, Australia just banned everyone under the age of 16 from a list of social media platforms. Cal Newport wrote an intriguing article in The New Yorker about possibilities of the United States doing this and the history of other bannings.
@FJB, Agreed 100% on the social media. What I find helpful sometimes is to check in with myself and figure out if a habit I'm doing is helpful or harmful. I realized that looking at Instagram was a fast track to feeling gross. I can't define it any more than that, it was the psychic equivalent of eating too many chips or other junk food. Now I'm working on figuring out what fiction and other books are helpful to my well-being; a lot of new fiction is leaving me feeling, well, gross.
I also get James Clear's newsletters - great quotes and thoughts every time! I love the idea of "am I a little better?" I've found that's older I get, the better I am (see what I did there? - LOL!) at not comparing myself to others.
I LOVE this post so much. <3! I am so grateful when I wake up in the morning, and I think about how I have been so graciously been gifted another day. Another day to do better. To try to be better. January 1st happens everyday! Woohoo : )
First let me say: You have gone through a challenging on all levels divorce and have come out the other side sane and compassionate. And in your 40s you started education to become a nurse. Some women would have been paralyzed after a divorce and unable to move on.
You have accomplished plenty, divorce or no divorce. Pat yourself on the back. And in the middle of everything, you run a great blog that really resonates with so many of us even if we are in different circumstances.
I am old enough in life to stop comparing. The only thing I compare is myself to myself: How much of my daily list did I get done? Is that more or less than yesterday?Maybe but I am not comparing. Working hard to be in the moment.
The only thing I do compare with myself is the status of various health issues. Am I doing better or worse than yesterday? I have to evaluate.
It is so easy in this world to get caught up in comparisons for one thing (or more) or another, no matter your age or other circumstances.
But it's a waste of time as you are not someone else even it seems as if you are the same or similar in a variety of things from age, job type, etc.
Yes, we do need to be aware of some things (How does career progression work in terms of age in certain industries, for example.) but it's really about you and your goals and to do lists.
How is your life working for you independent of anyone else?
These are great reminders. I often compare myself before kids to myself now and feel I fall short. I used to be able to take on more gigs, have my own performing groups, and generally focus on my career, and it’s been a hard adjustment to the realities of parenthood and my own shifting priorities, even 10 years later. So sometimes internal comparisons can be negative as well…I guess the key is to meet yourself where you are right now and not compare today-you to former-you. A work in progress, for sure.
At 59, I’m glad I just don’t care about comparing myself- in any way- to others. There is such peace in this!
Your last comment is one of the best! Thank you! (I'll be logging off now. Ha!)
Good post!
I'm not one to compare myself to others, usually. But I do tend to minimize my successes because my focus is on what's missing.
For example, after my gastric sleeve surgery in 2023 I was minded to go down 100 pounds. Well, I went down 65, then up 15, then down 5. So I can choose to see it as a failure to "only" have lost 55 pounds, or I can see it as a great success it is for me to not have engaged in binge eating in the past 2 years, to have respected my portions guidelines and have maintained a 55 pounds loss. Before my surgery I could easily lose/gain/lose/gain 15 pounds in one month because of my unhealthy binge/restrict pattern.
And, with that in mind, I am now ready to focus on the next 45 pounds by eating better (I am keeping my portions small, but I still eat too often and too much sugar), instead of focusing on the fact that I ""should"" already be there.
I think I need to save this post! What a great reminder for us all. I know I have been struggling a lot lately with comparing myself to pre-cancer, pre-coma me and it’s been robbing me of my joy. But this post is so eloquently written and a gentle reminder that it is not fair to compare our current selves with others (even old us!) that are not on the same playing field we currently are on. Thank you for your blogs, I have always enjoyed them 🙂
When I start to think negatively about myself or my life, I remind myself that I have slowly fixed up my house and am continuing to do so. Also at one point in the game my credit rating sucked...I went on Credit Karma and one other site, saw what was in collections and slowly got everything paid off. I make double payments every month on my credit cards which helps keep the credit rating up in the low 700s.