A clean-the-inbox Q&A
My inbox is a bona fide disaster right now.
In the best of times, when my schedule is fairly free, I often get behind on emails.
And right now, it's way, way worse!
So, I'm gonna write this post while popping back and forth into my inbox to see what I've missed and need to respond to.
I know that you have written on several occasions about what cell phone service you use but I have searched and searched and cannot find any of your posts about it.My son & I currently share a plan and I know that there has to be a comparable plan that would be less expensive than AT&T. Could you please tell me again what company you use.-Lisa
Have you read and would recommend any books similar to Unorthodox or Educated? I saw on your blog you enjoyed both of them, and I love memoirs about survival and tenacious, creative people.-Andrea
I saw that you don't exchange Christmas gifts with nieces and nephews on your side. Do you also not exchange birthday gifts with them? What did Christmas and birthday gifts for nieces and nephews look like when they were young? Did you give gifts to them when they were little and then stop at a certain point? Or did you not give gifts from the beginning?
I also saw a post on Christmas traditions you do. Does this look different now that your kids are older? Do you put up a lot of decor besides a tree? Do you bake for a lot of people?
I've gotten to the point that I really dread Christmas. This mainly comes from ridiculous expectations that I feel like I need to meet because of the way my mom did Christmas. I've really worked to overcome those expectations and make Christmas the way I and my family want it to be, but I still have lingering dread when I think of Christmas. 🙁
-Melissa
My side of the family became so densely populated with children in a short period, it became rather obvious to everyone involved that gift-giving was going to become an unreasonable burden.
In families with just a few cousins/grandchildren, I can see it working out, but not with 17 cousins/grandchildren. I know that's not super helpful advice because in my case, everyone was agreeable!
I do think that it is ok to kindly state your boundaries, and then after that, it's up to you to manage your anxieties about people's disapproval of your choices. And I offer a lot of empathy here because this is an enormous struggle for me (not regarding gift giving, but just in general!)
Something that might help: When you think, "Oh no! This person thinks we should all exchange gifts and they don't approve of my choice!" is to realize that...you also disagree with how the other person is handling it, and they're not caving to you.
As a people-pleaser, I know it's a default to think that you are the one who is always wrong and you are the one who always needs to change, but there is some freedom in realizing that it's a two-way street. You are not obligated to always be the one to cave to other people's expectations of you.
As far as Christmas stuff I do now...well, last Christmas and this Christmas, I'm in single mom and full-time college student mode. And since the semester ends around the 15th of December, it's hard to do much Christmas stuff before then.
In short, I definitely have less time to do Christmas activities as compared to years ago.
Last year, I did decorate and we did get a tree and I did a little bit of baking. And of course, I bought presents!
This year, life is even more nuts for me, so I am giving myself a whole lotta grace about Christmas. Whatever I can manage, I will manage.
Life ebbs and flows at various stages, and the stage I'm in right now is unusually busy and hard. It would not be kind for me to expect the same stuff out of myself that I've always done.
Even as soon as next year, things will be different; I will still be in school, of course, but some of my other problems will be resolved. There will be time in the future to do more Christmas stuff if I so desire.
I don't know if that's very helpful, but there you go!
If there are a lot of people or kids in the family, you could each pick a name out of a hat of one person to whom to give a gift.
I love buying presents for people and now I have just two recipients, my children. It makes me sad, to be honest. My sister told me no more gifts to and from her family, and my brother faded out of gifts many years ago and there's no point to giving my mom anything. It feels like such a terrible loss to me in contrast to big family Christmases with lots of presents and lots of food and a big house with two fires going and numerous trees.
I think that's an opinion that often isn't heard--mostly it's people saying they have to buy too many gifts. I've bought things for various toy drives and letters to Santa but it doesn't make me feel much better.
I like this a lot, Kristen: "It would not be kind for me to expect the same stuff out of myself that I’ve always done."
Re phones, I use Cricket for me, my daughter, and my mom. My daughter and I get unlimited data (since she always streams music) for $30 a line.
@Rose, I love to buy presents too! I keep notes throughout the year and add to it anytime I hear someone comment about something they like or when I see something cool. It warms my heart to give a gift that the recipient really enjoys. But, like you, we are mainly down to just buying gifts for our kids and son in law. Selfishly I am looking forward to next Christmas when I can buy for our first grandchild. 🙂
@Rose, We have a wonderful woman at church who has always given our four children birthday and Christmas presents. She's a gift giver, too. When the kids were small, we had some really tight holidays and I appreciated those gifts so much. They really added an abundant feel to our Christmas when I couldn't provide it.
@Rose, I'm sorry that buying for various toy drives doesn't make you feel better but as someone who benefited from a toy drive as a child I can promise you've given a lot of happiness. I still remember receiving a paper doll set similar to the ones many of the other girls at school had. It was a gift my single mother could not have afforded. I played with those paper dolls for a very long time and the gift gave me so much joy. Even now I think kindly about the person who took the time to buy something for a child they didn't know.
@Darlene, Aw, that's great, thank you so much for mentioning it. One girl wanted $180 Jordan sneakers and a copy of "The Outsiders." Ha! I hope she likes them. She's 12. One drive asked for hoodies for teens, so I got six Carhartt (my son approved the brand). Since they usually wear them instead of coats (eyeroll) I wanted them to be warm.
I feel more cheerful now. I'd been worrying about my feral kitties because their numbers have been depleted lately, but they all bounced up and meowed to greet me this morning.
@Rose, I know it's not quite the same thing, but you might enjoy buying presents for the people in your vet's office; vets, techs, office staff.
We do it every year, and I love it. I don't have a lot of people to shop for, so it makes me happy, and they always seem happy to get the gifts.
@Danielle Zecher, Thanks--that's a good idea, too, especially as Tweedledum and Tweedledee need baths/nails. (The smaller dog is easy to bathe and clip; the rescue coonhound loses. her. mind. and three of us are not strong enough to subdue her for nail clipping. Sheesh.)
@Rose, a homemade gift is often a very good choice - its consumable. I mean who doesn't like to get something delish to eat? This year I am doing fudge for my kids - it will be fun for me, too!
@Gina from The Cannary Family, as long as you know the recipient doesn't have food allergies or you know what they are. Teen has severe food allergies & I have (milder) same food allergies which prevent from many traditional foods given---fudge. 😉 Though it's the thought that counts, it can be dangerous that's why I try to find out & make adjustments as needed.
@Regina, Well--back when my kids had single teachers, I gave them each a bottle of champagne for Christmas and one for the end of the school year. Note: "Thank you for putting up with them." I figured even if they didn't drink (or eat fudge), they could easily regift to someone else.
@Rose, Feeling sympathy and nodding in recognition of nail clipping adventures. One of our Irish wolfhounds, who was over 6 feet tall when he stood up on his hind legs, was the most gentle creature until he saw nail clippers. Wolfhound mouths are huge and their teeth astonishing in size; they have been used to hunt coyotes in some western states, so we knew we were no match for him. We tried every single trick we and the vet could think of or had read about, but in the end we would give him anti-anxiety meds and take him to the vet where he and three staff would tackle the slightly less intimidating drugged up dog. Afterwards we would take him to McDonalds, right next door to the clinic, to celebrate another clipping with no human or canine deaths.
@Rose,
As a teacher I still sometimes get the occasional bottle of wine! And so you know, we read “The Outsiders” in 7th grade—kids still really like and relate to it.
Christmas isn’t the same since my parents passed. I’m the only one down this way and siblings are up north. I hang with my little immediate family at home and check in with friends. Don’t do a lot of gifts anymore though, just being happy with those I care about works for me.
@Rose, you have a loving, generous heart and I bet you've made a lot of children very happy!
@Rose,
A drugstore chain here runs a program called Stockings for Seniors which I have participated in the past few years. The store partners with care homes and other senior service providers. The seniors create wishlists that you shop from. I did two this year, one man and one woman.
It's not the same as gifting during holiday gatherings with family but I hope that it brings joy to someone who needs it.
We currently don't have little kids in the immediate family. Christmas became a stressful match of 'what do you want/I have to know what to get for you'. For the last 10 years or so, I have been taking my family out for a very nice meal in the Christmas/New Years time period. We get just a little dressed up and enjoy being pampered at an upscale steak house that has great service.
Last year, by DIL commented on how much she likes this tradition as it is no stress.
They all know I expect nothing in return (though some do get me a nominal gift).
I save for this throughout the year just as I did when we were buying presents.
@Cindy, are you adopting? Pick me!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, lol. You have me rolling. Thanks.
@Cindy, I love this idea for when my teens are older. I think my son would especially like doing something like this. Hes a foodie! Thank you for the idea! ill file it away and hope it comes back to the forefront at the appropriate time 🙂
@Ginger Bruce, 😎
I have 5 siblings, most of us are married, and there are 14 nieces and nephews on just my side of the family, so instead of buying for all of them each adult gets randomly assigned a kid to buy a gift for. We cap it at $25. There are a couple of us that volunteer to buy for 2 so each child will have one gift from an aunt or an uncle. We also stop buying for them once they're either out of college or ~ 21. Of course, you can choose to buy a gift for the older ones anyway, they just aren't included in the name assigning. This has worked pretty well for us!
Our kids are grown and out of the house, but I still enjoy decorating the house for Christmas. We always went as a family to pick out a real tree and I miss that tradition. The last time we had a real tree though, I was so allergic to it we had to move it to the deck. This weekend I looked online for an artificial tree but apparently, I waited too long and the stores are already out and won't arrive until next week if shipped.
On my side of the family, I only have a niece and nephew and we used to all exchange presents but that kind of turned into just exchanging gift cards or money, so we have switched to Dirty Santa instead. Now anyone that wants to participate can but not required. We do still buy presents for any of the kids (great nieces and nephews) that are under 18.
@Beverly, "Dirty Santa"?! Do tell!
@Beverly, my pre-lit artificial tree from Frontgate has lasted 20 years and still going strong, except for some of the lights that need a bit of love. Big upfront cost, very low life-time cost.
As a child in a family of 21 and 16, we gave gifts in different ways. The family of 21 exchanged names. I had an aunt on that side who worked full time and only had 1 child and every other year she would buy for everyone. I always thought it was nice but apparently other adults in our family thought she was "lording her money over us." I am in the middle of the pack 12/21 and we all got older and moved on, we stopped. We then had dinner for a few years until my grandfather died. Now we see each other 2-3 times a year, sometimes at Christmas.
Family of 16, a few years we exchanged names, and the rest of time, we brought a wrapped gift "we would want" and did an exchange with those. Sometimes it worked out, and one year I got fishing hooks and line (because my aunt forgot which gift was which and with 4 boys and one girl forgot the girl gift). Still a nice time because of the dinner and the togetherness. And to this day I remember the fishing stuff, but not one of the other gifts.
As for birthdays, I exchange with my young nieces and nephews and 1 set of grand nieces and nephews (who know me, and we are close) this group numbers 6. Other than that, if I get invited to a birthday party for other 10, most of which are adults, I bring a gift. I have also given family gifts like a night at the movies, dinner, and special events.
@Amy cheapohmom, I always gave expensive presents to my sister's and brother's families. My brother would sometimes ask if we could set a limit and I said no. Just buy what you want and can afford and I'll do the same. I don't know why gift giving, which to me is so joyous, is so fraught. My ex husband was always cranky about gifts, sometimes angrily insisting he didn't want anything etc. Finally I said to him, it may not be important to you, but it's important to me! And he kind of shut up after then. I never expected him to get presents for anyone, including me, I bought my own (and still do), just shut up and pretend to be happy with what I chose for him.
@Amy cheapohmom, “lording her money over us.”
Oh good lord! Says more about them then about the aunt.
This is just something I've been mulling over this fall...I hate that Christmas and other holidays are so over-commercialized. Christmas is one day - not a *season*. It's not "spring, summer, fall, and Christmas". After Christmas Day, there's a whole lot of winter left, and if everything is so centered on Christmas decor and activities, it leaves a hole.
I do love celebrating Christmas, and giving gifts! but I think it helps to remember that Christmas Day is one day out of 365 days, so while I want to make the month of December special for my daughter, I also want to do things as a family making memories during the whole winter. If you look online for winter things to do, many of them are Christmas-oriented.
@Tammy,
You are right that Christmas day is one day :), but our family also observes Advent and the Christmas liturgical season, which is 12 days, so for some of us, it can be considered a month out of the year. This is not criticizing you, just pointing out that it gets more involved for a few of us. We are in the minority, I realize, and I understand your point entirely. It's a valid point.
@Tammy, Most of my holiday decorations are winter themed, that way I can leave out & enjoy until mid February. We actually look for more things to do in winter months than any other time of year-- and it's COLD! I think its more of finding something to do to spend time together/making memories.
Try google for local/state activities in your area, Check out neighboring towns, go outside to play/activity. Try something new. 🙂
For the book rec: Forager: Field Notes for Surviving a Family Cult by Michelle Dowd
Also read Holler Rat by Anya Liftig, I’m more ambivalent on that one, but it has a similar vein.
@Siobhan, also Leaving the Saints: How I Lost the Mormons and Found My Faith Paperback – April 25, 2006
by Martha Beck
I also came to recommend Forager. I'd also add Unfollow: A Journey from Hatred to Hope by Megan Phelps-Roper
@SD, I read "Expecting Adam" first and loved them both. I highly recommend reading them in order.
For cheap phone service, we use Visible. No complaints.
@Dicey, (and above) I can’t wait to pick up these recommendations from my library. I LOVED The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, my favorite memoir I’ve ever read. Similar notes to Educated.
When we had so many young cousins in my family, and all of us older cousins still wanted to give to each other, we drew names. The kids all drew a kid name, and the parents a parent name. It made it a lot of fun. Eventually, we made the decision to stop, but it worked for when we needed it to.
Kristen, thank you for this wisdom:
"Something that might help: When you think, “Oh no! This person thinks we should all exchange gifts and they don’t approve of my choice!” is to realize that…you also disagree with how the other person is handling it, and they’re not caving to you.
"As a people-pleaser, I know it’s a default to think that you are the one who is always wrong and you are the one who always needs to change, but there is some freedom in realizing that it’s a two-way street. You are not obligated to always be the one to cave to other people’s expectations of you."
I am a people-pleaser, and this really resonated with me. I have started to realize this, but it was helpful to read it so clearly stated.
@Sherri, I agree. I'm very similar and usually think I did something wrong. This is very helpful!
@Brooke, As someone who is bossy and arrogant, I usually think the other person did something wrong!
Ha! Sorry, folks.
@Rose, love it!
@Sherri,
Another people pleaser here and it is a very hard habit to change. It is causing a lot of hurt feelings and/or anger for my (finally) attempts at speaking up. When I do speak up I feel pretty good, but man I really have to give myself big time pep talks!
@Rose, Me, too!!! HA!
All the older folks in my family have passed on. Now I’m the older one and it’s just my husband, son and daughter in law. I decorate for myself because no one else cares. Some years I do very little, others I do more. Since I’m retired it is hard to shop and we really don’t need stuff. We do like to eat out sometimes, mostly fast food. Since a few places don’t do gift cards I decided to decorate envelopes and put in cash for one meal. This way money is not tied up in gift cards and all the shopping I have to do is visit the bank.
I do sometimes miss the big family parties but I like to think I’m adaptable to the change of times and traditions.
I meant to say when we were kids we picked names. Adults with adults, kids with kids. At 18 the kids joined the adults.
I got a lot of flack and was told I was an awful person and a cheapskate and a Scrooge for not buying for my siblings. I suggested the Secret Santa or name drawing or whatever but they were having none of it. So I just did my own thing and didn't worry about them.
In the end, they all followed suit with me. I just buy for my nephews and niece. Those kids are so darn spoiled I don't go overboard with them either. In fact, this year they mostly got books.
I'm actually kind of surprised that we've done anything Christmas this year. We got the living room cleaned but no tree up yet. Maybe we'll do that today.
@Battra92, oh and I'm on Mint Mobile. I just switched from Ting as T-Mobile towers *finally* get service in our area. It was the one major thing holding me to a Verizon based service.
@Battra92, one of the things that bothers me is the sheer amount of things that children own, a room chock full of stuff from well meaning adults. Do kids need to get ten gifts for Christmas? Most of us could work at a better way to handle this.
@Battra92, that's funny that you say they're spoiled. When the kids get so many gifts it seems that way. 🙂 I always have preset budget for each person (all gift areas) & have been (sometimes) criticized for (smaller than others) amount. But I have bought some nice gifts within that amount & felt good about giving it. Of course I have always said I don't compete on gift giving.
I always got quite a few nice gifts from my parents and I was never spoiled. Spoiled is an attitude, not an amount. I don't think my kids were/are spoiled either.
@Regina, I like that. "I don't compete on gift giving."
@Regina, Yeah I never compete either.
Oh and the kids are spoiled. It's not their fault (obviously) but they are very free range and have every toy or thing that they want.
I try to give what people need and people always need books. 🙂
Repeat after me: "We make our own Christmas! We make our own Christmas!" Pick three things, or have your children choose three things, that are "must haves" for the holiday, and do those; then make sure your extended family knows your limits. This works, no matter what your limitations (budget, time, energy). Draw names -- sibling names, or cousin names -- or offer experiences. Make every gathering pot-luck. Mostly, don't compare your Christmas to the ones on TV or internet. Just do yours. PS It gives me the willies to think of 17 cousins exchanging gifts; let's say there's a spending limit of $10 per gift, that's a $170 expense. Each cousin would come away with 17 $10 gifts which would be lost in the mad shuffle of gifting.
@Jean, good perspective on the 17 x $10. Makes me twitch to think of spending that much money and ending up with lots of dumb stuff.
@Jean, Not that I ever had that many cousins but one-a-day rule seems to work well. It's for when the kids are little - they open one gift a day. Nothing gets lost in the shuffle that way.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, not meaning that I would expect an equal exchange for the dollars spent. I mean that each of those things, the spending and the accumulation, might give me hives.
@WilliamB, or just limit the amount of incoming stuff so they value it more.
@Anne, You've never met my mother. My sib couldn't do anything about the volume of gifts but at least they could moderate the apparent flow.
I have no information on phone plans, since my youngest insists upon keeping me (and her dad, before he couldn't manage phones anymore) on her plan. Therefore the plan is $0 to me and I upgrade phones when she tells me to do so. 🙂
On Christmas, well. On my dad's side he was one of 7 grown siblings who had 4 spouses. The next generation was a dozen first cousins, whose ages stretched from late-20's (with a kid of their own) to a four-year old (a midlife surprise baby) and everyone gave to everyone, which got crazy and expensive. It was decided that all cousins aged 15 and up would draw names and exchange with the adults and the other cousins who were aged 15 and over, while the younger cousins would still get gifts from all of their aunts and uncles. I was 15 at the time this was decided and one of the youngest cousins. That meant only my 13-year old cousin, his 4-year old sibling and our oldest cousin's small child still got gifts from everyone while the other 9 cousins drew names as adults. I had no job (my dad refused to let us work while in school) and each year for the first four years I unbelievably drew the name of the oldest surviving adult in the family, my uncle who was about 60. The parents, of course, had to buy the gifts for names drawn by teen cousins who were jobless and still in school. It was an honest attempt to control the spending, but it didn't work all that well, and I withdrew from the exchange entirely when I moved many miles away at age 21. I am not a big fan of gift exchanges, although they can work quite well when planned well.
Christmas decorating and celebrating can be overwhelming if we don't look out. (Guilty!) I try to remember the day will come even if I don't get everything done. I well remember the year when my mother spent the week of Christmas zoned out on antibiotics and pain meds, lying 24/7 in the recliner given to my dad for Christmas but which he didn't get to sit in until New Year's Eve, while we kids and my dad put up a cedar tree from the farm, wrapped one another's gifts and put some kind of meals on the table. One has to do what one can, under one's own circumstances.
Things have really evolved in the gift giving department. We stopped on hubs side a long time ago due to a variety of factors. I have a small family but kids have had kids so we no longer buy for anyone but immediate family. Grands are getting older and want much more expensive things so I've set a spending limit and will make up in cash whatever isn't spent. Do the same with adult children & spouses. We do buy each a quarter of beef typically each year and go on a family vacation where we cover most of the cost.
@Jennifer G, Along those same lines, my grandparents used to give me money. The deal was I spent it on something giftlike, then told them about it. We'd always have a grand old time with it.
I just read I Should Have Honor by Khalinda Brohdi, a memoir by a Pakastani activist who speaks out against honor killings. The writing is not as compelling as in Educated, but I thought it was a pretty important subject.
I recently switched to Mint Mobile. Jury is still out as to whether I stick with it. You mentioned you have unlimited data for $15/mo. Is that because of referral credits because I am paying $25/mo for 5 gb data? My first 3 months I was on a special promotion so renewal was at higher rates. This works out to be about $6/mo cheaper than previous carrier but that was with 10 gb data.
Also, one thing I don't like about Mint is that picture messaging requires mobile data or wifi be turned on. With my previous carrier they came thru like regular texts. Since I have a new grandbaby and my daughter is sending us pictures all the time, I can see where this will seriously eat into my data. Any thoughts/suggestions?
@Barbara, I personally do not have Mint Mobile but see all kinds of advertising about changing from $30 to $15/month. Maybe call customer service & inquire??
@Barbara, it is cheaper when you pay for the year in advance.
1. Mint Mobile sounds fantastic.
2. I put "Unorthodox" into GoodReads and it shows similar titles. One of my favorite books is "Mennonite in a Little Black Dress" by Rhoda Janzen. It is an opposite story to those Andrea is seeking, but it is no less fascinating (and funny!) I also loved the sequel, "Does This Church Make Me Look Fat?"
3. Christmas—the older I get, the less it seems worth the trouble to decorate, the fewer people I have to buy gifts for, the more annoying the bastardized versions of Christmas music on advertisements seems. Stick to the basics, avoid the excess, enjoy the best parts, and ignore the criticism.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, “Mennonite in a Little Black Dress” is good.
@Rose, I just read the synopsis and it sounds great - I put it on hold at my library!
My husband and I both have birthdays on either side of Christmas (him before, me after), and our anniversary is right before his birthday. We quickly realized that that was 1) too much money, too fast and 2) we were both just stressed out and burned out on presents by the time my birthday ended the gauntlet. Our tradition now is to have an adventure day for our anniversary; save the BIG gifts for our respective birthdays,; and Christmas consists of his family's traditional meal (mine never had one, so I'm easy), stocking stuffers (limit $50), and a donation to the local no-kill shelter where we adopted our cats.
Family-wise, I've my parents and two siblings; he has just his brother and sister-in-law. We also have a handful of friends-who-are-family that we exchange with. With the exception of my parents, everyone is happy for handcrafted, charitable, or thrifted gifts. (My second-hand skills are much admired by my siblings and friends--tell me what you're after, and I *will* find it!). I troll clearance sections all year long, love supporting used bookstores and thrift shops, and try to only by new if it's from an independent craftsperson or a useful food item, like spices. Years ago we tried asking my parents for no gifts, but that did NOT fly. Thankfully, our practical gift-giving caught on! We're perfectly happy to receive good socks and good coffee, and they still get to give us something and receive something.
@N, Apologies for the random punctuation. Autocorrect has it in for me today!
@N, I put scissors in my Christmas list this year and will be very, very happy if I get them. Hooray for practical gifts! On the other hand, I told my husband a few weeks ago that I thought we should get a new iron and, while I love getting kitchen things for gifts, I absolutely did not want an iron for Christmas. We were just going to buy one. He ordered one and gave it to me with a gift tag to be funny. 🙂
@Ruth T,
I love good, quality, sharp scissors and would love some as a gift! I'm with you on that.
@JD, I told my husband several times that I wanted some really sturdy scissors. He was so happy to have bought me "industrial scissors." They were meant for spatchcocking a turkey! Not kidding, I think they could chop the head off a buffalo. They look quite intimidating. On the plus side, they are bright red.
Hi there.
I'll respond to the Christmas question.
Simplicity....that's our tradition.
This Elf has two jobs, a daughter in the army, a kind of adopted daughter (she decided we were her family, funny how that happens..lol...her and our kiddo went through basic together), a husband who has two jobs, and a home to look after.
We all operate at the speed of chaos.
So I repeat, simplicity. We put up a tree, watch christmas movies with hot drinks and treats in the evening throughout the month with whoever wants to hang out, and have a nice potluck style dinner on the holiday where friends and other family members come and go as they please. Gifts are given (immediate family, not extended) but we don't spend a bazillion dollars.
If it snows we have a bonfire and go sledding with all the neighbors and whoever else wants to join.
And that's it. It's about being together whenever and wherever we can and actually enjoying each others company.
I really like hearing how others do Christmas! As families grow it sure does get more complicated...
On my side, now that the cousins are all young adults, we do a grab bag exchange. We agree on a price range, and everyone buys a gift and we play a game to do the exchange. Some gifts are gag gifts...some are practical. That makes it fun! On my husband's side, I make up boxes of home canned goods for everyone...that way I can use my love language of gift giving without breaking the bank! And they enjoy the gifts because they don't do canning etc!
Kristin, I just want to throw a little hug your way. Being involved in the legal system is hard. When I was a practicing attorney I considered getting a counseling degree and becoming a therapist to people going through lawsuits of all kinds. It’s something nobody understands unless they’ve been there. When it’s family involved, add a multiplier. If I was your neighbor I’d bring you dinner and offer to just listen. Since I’m on the opposite coast, I just want to say looking at the horizon as you seem to be doing will get you through. But as much as I appreciate our system, it’s a very painful, expensive and difficult marathon.
@TAS, What gets me about our system is how illogical it is, particularly in criminal law.
In NL, the most important children's gift occasion is Saint Nicholas (5 Dec). This includes rhymes that go with the gift and in the rhymes you can pull people's legs a bit and tease them about bad habits or silly mistakes they have made in the last year.
Now that our children are adults, we have switched to "Saint Nicholmas" that is to say we give the gifts and do the rhymes at an afternoon immediately before or after Christmas. We combine this with short dice games, winner gets to pick a gift from the pile and passes it to the person the gift is intended for. Then the rhyme is read, the gift is unwrapped and admired - we spend several hours playing and opening gifts this way and by the time the pile is done we are often pretty exhausted with laughter and ready to go to bed.
One of our kids has inlaws with two birthdays at Christmas and in this way we can get together and have fun without competing for the best visiting days. On Christmas day, my husband and I visit my 93 year old mother in law. Two visitors at a time is just right for her.
Note: we've not had Christmas trees since our cats joined our family. I have a box of highly valued glass ornaments from our (grand)parents and no way am I going to risk that they will break. Our main decoration is a set of taped together large boxes with random doors and windows cut out, that our cats like to jump into and out of. This is their winter indoors playpen.
Oh, we only do it for our small circle now. When our kids we were small we celebrated with my parents (who have passed meanwhile) and siblings.
@JNL, DH and I stopped having a Christmas tree in 1991, the December we'd just adopted a new kitten (or, rather, he adopted us; he turned up under the hood of DH's truck and miraculously escaped getting pulped). We didn't want to tempt the little guy beyond his endurance, so we decided to have no tree that year--and it became easy after that not to have one.
And other traditions have gone by the wayside as well, first with the attrition in our families and then with DH's decline. I do collect Christmas tree trimmings off the curb for an annual bough for the front of the house; I exchange *modest* gifts with the Bestest Neighbors (who are eagerly anticipating their 27th annual Martha Stewart parody calendar from me!) and other neighbors and friends; I have the BNs and my next-door neighbor over for Christmas Eve dinner; and the BNs usually host a Christmas Day brunch. But the downsizing has been a natural process, and I don't regret it.
Oh, and I don't skimp on holiday music, either. In fact, it's about time to get out the Chieftains' The Bells of Dublin!
@A. Marie,
Ah! Bells of Dublin!
[We have 15ish cd's by Chieftains and heard them live at Utrecht NL. They brought the then very youthful dancing champion that later became leading lady of the troupe that perfermed on the Eurovision Song Contest
Long sentence
Too lazy to check names online, too old to remember them by heart.
@JNL, yes, I recall that both Jean Butler and Michael Flatley (the two stars of the Eurovision contest entry that became Riverdance) danced with the Chieftains at different times.
And DH and I actually had the thrill of meeting Paddy Moloney and Derek Bell face to face, when they walked into the bar we'd gone to after one of the Chieftains' two 1980s concerts in my part of Upstate NY. We picked up their drinks; we chatted with them for a few minutes; and Paddy kissed me on one cheek and Derek on the other when we left. (DH claimed forever afterward that I didn't wash my face for a week. This was a tremendous fib. It was only 3 days.)
@A. Marie,
That is just wonderful, to walk into your faves and have a chat with them!
Paddy Moloney introducing the songs and dances to the public. And Derek Bell such a funny character.
I loved the music and was sufficiently inspired to take a minor in early Celtic literature, although I have uet to visit Ireland.
(Jean Butler was the name I was looking for, 17 at the time I think)
@A. Marie, I have pulled out It's a Cow Christmas, where "cows" sing Christmas songs that have some slightly altered words to make them suitable for bovines. You can listen to a sample on YouTube.
Hi Kristen-- are those mini (white) lanterns in front of fireplace?? Those are cute, do you remember where you got them & do they run on batteries?
As far as Christmas gifts for nieces/nephews/grandchildren I (personally) always did birthday & Christmas until 18/graduation (with preset amount/budget) until graduation. I only had 6 (on my side) & all adults on my (now ex) side that only saw at holiday. If I had relationship with them then I would do something.
As far as grandchildren, when was married bought for grandchildren (with preset amount) for birthdays & adult children & grandchildren for Christmas (preset amount). Now it is just teen.
I used to love decorating but last year (first Christmas since unmarried) I barely got 2 mini trees up & decorated (he had much of holiday stuff except personal ornament boxes). This year a little better as found few more (previous) decorations with 2 tiny trees & purchased few (as gift to me). Teen & I started baking a little bit again (but less as less people to have to do for).
The good thing is (not only financially less) that I went from (approximately) 100 holiday cards then pared down to 50 (just before separation) to 12 now. The sad part was of those 100 or even 50 we only recieved/acknowledged 25ish.
I still do my regular contributions (as did while married) to charities but sometimes in different forms. It helps me to remember that there is still some good out there.
As far as Cricket. DO YOUR RESEARCH & BEWARE OF FINE PRINT!
After divorce I finally (1 year later) could take EX phone off my plan & decided to change because Ex was attempting to make changes to my account. I liked Cricket & purchased 2 sim cards (paid $275-$300) for my & teen phone (that said was compatible). Followed directions (multiple times) but could not get to work. Finally filed request for refund & mailed back sim cards only to be told no record of sale. After many attempts to prove purchase/sale with no acknowledgement/refund I lost that $$.
At least for now, I now stick with companies that have actual/brick & mortar stores that I can talk to person in person.
They are little lanterns on a wire, and I bought them on clearance at Target who knows how many years ago! It's been a long time. They run on a little battery pack.
I do wish the light was a little warmer, but otherwise I love them.
One piece of advice that I have is that if you'd like to change a Christmas custom, it can be easier to work things out with individual relatives than to get consensus from a big group. Some years ago my sister wanted the family to switch to having a name draw for adult relatives while individual households continued to give gifts within their units. The problem was that since we had one unpartnered sibling without kids, that would mean they would open exactly one gift while everyone else continued to enjoy piles of presents from their nuclear family, which didn't feel fun. So what ended up happening instead was that individual people decided not to gift to each other, and the people who did like giving and receiving presents kept it up. (For the people who were less enthusiastic givers, knowing that recipients genuinely enjoyed getting gifts made the process worthwhile.)
I highly recommend the book "Shunned: How I Lost My Religion and Found Myself" by Linda Curtis. It's a memoir about leaving the Jehovah's Witnesses, losing her family when she does, and building an amazing new life.
You have to read Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver. The title is the name of a young boy. It details his struggles and how he overcame them. It’s fiction, but so well written.
@Kathy E, I love Kingsolver's work! Thanks for the recommendation.
**When you think, “Oh no! This person thinks we should all exchange gifts and they don’t approve of my choice!” is to realize that…you also disagree with how the other person is handling it, and they’re not caving to you.**
I'm not a person that has a hard time saying "no" (I'm a mostly recovered people pleaser), but still this line was .....MIND BLOWN. This is such a good way to put it to others that I know suffer from this greatly to the point it causes them harm. Great thought!
On my side we only buy for the kids and we get our parents something. There's 6 kids, but 4 of them are grown and have aged out of it. We mostly focus on a huge Christmas dinner.
My husband's side used to do everyone, but I was finally able to get my husband to convince them to do otherwise. Now it's kids only and we draw out kids names so they get one present each. Makes it so much easier.
I enjoy buying for my own kids, but not others. I don't like receiving gifts either. I'm not a Grinch, there's just too much pressure on the whole thing for me.
I love the part about stating your boundaries, then maintaining you own anxieties about the fallout. The two way street is for real! I am using these concept this year with my own peeps who are GROWN ADULTS and need to outgrow some of their expectations. (: And I need to outgrow some of my own expectations, too.
@Gina from The Cannary Family, PLEASE share in future how that turns out.
Thank you so much for this statement: “As a people-pleaser, I know it’s a default to think that you are the one who is always wrong and you are the one who always needs to change, but there is some freedom in realizing that it’s a two-way street. You are not obligated to always be the one to cave to other people’s expectations of you.”
I realize that this probably seems basic to many people, but to me, this is a revolutionary sentiment.
Easy to say, so hard to remember! (at least for me)
Ah, Christmas! I used to HATE HATE HATE this time of the year. Then I got kids and became a fan, ah!
Our Christmas is a 5 days affair spent 6 hours away from home, with my DH family. We do an gift exchange between adult (100$. With ideas given) and give gifts to the kids (3 of them so far). So my gift giving is to the picked person, my 2 kids, my niece, my DH and my mom (I don't have close family beside her).
For decorations I was always enthused to jump in after having kids, but this year not so much (I don't know why), so I was VERY happy when my 11 years old decided to decorate all on her own yesterday! We will put up the (artificial) tree as a family later this week.
One tradition that we have and that I still love is one night close to Christmas the kids, DH and I bundle in the car, in our PJ's and a warm blanket, we go get a hot chocolate at Tim Horton's (Canadian here!) and we do a tour around town to look at Christmas lights, while listening to Christmas music.
And I love the cheesy Hallmark-type Christmas movies 🙂
Memoir- Wild by Cheryl Strayed.
Kristen, how do you manage this guilt that ensues when you choose not to please someone?
Christmas/ holidays- I love to give well thougtout gifts within my budget. I also like to do signature gift giving within the same/similar age group- you can't go wrong with a fantastic set of coloring supplies (Prismacolor, Faber Castell), sweaters (L.L Bean, Madewell, J. Crew, Uniqlo), Slippers (L.L Bean, Landsend, Costco), Socks (Eddie Bauer, L.L Bean), a pen and a notebook (too many to list- Etsy), Jewelry (Catbird- recently), puzzles, waterbottle/ thermos (Stanley) etc.
I think it's important to keep/ maintain traditions such as decorating, special food making, gift giving (small, big, homemade, experience, new, old etc.) as they keep us anchored to our cultures and roots.
Well, I am certainly not an expert at this; I'm always learning and trying and sometimes failing.
But one thing I come back to is trying to remember what is true and real about me. If someone else thinks I am totally self-centered, do I have to take on that belief? Do I have to let another person be the expert on me and the motivations that are in my heart? Or can I take an honest look at myself, do an evaluation, and come to my own solid belief about what is true about me?
(For me, I have concluded that I am a normal human being with a normal amount of self-preservation/self-care desires, and I objectively do not have a pattern of putting myself ahead of others in my life. So I have decided to not take this accusation on or let it live inside of me.)
Sometimes, other people set themselves up as an expert on us, and sometimes they are flat-out wrong about us. I think the guilt often comes when we buy into their line of thinking as solid truth. But their line of thinking COULD be inaccurate, and if we can see that, it helps to lessen the guilt.
@Kristen, It's amazing how often it happens that when someone accuses you of being self-centered, it's when you're not doing what the accuser wants you to do. Shoe, meet other foot.
In a similar vein, it has been my lifetime experience that sometimes the people who are lobbing, "You're selfish!" accusations are frequently a little selfish themselves.
Sometimes, people project things onto you that are actually true about themselves.
"Does this other person have an agenda? Is the other person accusing me of faults s/he is worried about in his/herself?"
I was a little hurt when a former friend, breaking up with me, told me I didn't do anything for other people. Granted--she does a lot as a minister's wife and she doesn't have the challenges I do. But I tend not to tell anyone (except FG commenters, I guess) when I do good deeds because I find it embarassing. So I just quoted her "Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men." and decided whatever, folks. She certainly tells everyone about her alms.
@Rose,
Growing up my dad always told me to not tell others about the good things you do, or else you lose your graces that you would've received. Plus, do things with a giving heart and good will come back to you ten-fold. I've seen the truth to these sayings many times.
It was published many years ago but I think The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls might be a fit for those that enjoyed Educated and Unorthodox.
Ohhh, you're right! I read that one but had forgotten about it.
@K D, I was hoping someone would recommend it. I couldn’t put this book down. I thought about it so much afterward I even re-read it. Highly recommend! I’m
I haven't read it yet - it's been on my hold list for a long time - but Wavewalker by Suzanne Heywood is another one.
@WilliamB, LOVED IT.
I would love to join the gift giving conversation but I only have a quick minute at the moment.
Regarding memoirs, I have not read Orthodox but I did read Uneducated and got my husband to read it.
Over Thanksgiving break I read both Maid and Class by Stephanie Land. They were both quick reads. As a college professor, Class really resonated with me. Class is her struggle as a single parent, full time college student. I don’t know if I am just more aware in the last 5 years or so or if the need is greater at my university, but I’ve become more aware of the struggles of my students, especially my first generation students of color.
@Anna-Catherine, Bad Blood by Lorna Sage is a wonderful book.
Buuuuut we're getting away from the brief, which was "woman breaks free of oppressive religious beliefs."
Single adult here. For my immediate family (seven), I give each the same thing. Last year it was a head lamp. (Those things come in handy!) This year it was a resin cardinal with a coiled wire to hold their place card at dinner and was part of our Merry Thanksmas decor. It can be used for a special quote or picture. Cardinals (and hummingbirds) were special to my parents and so is a throwback to that so there is sentiment involved. I usually give baked goods in special containers to my co-workers. During COVID, I searched ebay and got each of my nurse friends a vintage angel pin. Probably one of the pricier things I've done, but was the most fun and even got some free ones thrown in from sellers who found out what I was doing. For my shift crew, I make and take a dinner. May be as simple as soup with the trimmings.
As for a tree, I have not decorated one since my sister died. I am older and just don't have the energy. But when I did and for about twenty some years, I put white lights on my seven foot weeping fig and kept the ornaments simple with glass and plastic icicles and snowflakes.
As for Christmas, my local niece (my deceased sister's daughter) and I have a breakfast tea and gift exchange. This year I will probably not get her a gift to unwrap as I will pay her property tax on the house she inherited from her Mom.
@Chrissy, that property tax payment for your niece is a GREAT gift. Let's see, who do I know who could pick up my January payment? 😀
Our kids have the same mint Mobil plan that you do and it’s been great! Our first teen has had it for over a Year and the second teenager has just entered the world of cell phone management! It’s been great so far. I second the use of mint Mobil.
We had a moderate amount of cousins on both sides of the family when our kids were younger. I proposed and everyone was on board that we forgo Christmas presents… We are spread out and it required a lot of mailing packages and that got costly. So we stopped Christmas presents for all the cousins pretty early on, even before the younger ones were born… What we continued instead was a birthday card with a $25 check in it. We actually specified an amount and everyone got the same. Even though as the kids got older and $25 for the younger ones didn’t go quite as far as $25 for the older ones (inflation), who cares, the kids were excited to get a check on their birthday, especially when they were younger, and when they were older, even more so because they knew they could save it/spend it, they all loved it. Once someone turned 18, that was the last year.
@Christine Wagenfuehr, My grandfather worked a back breaking job in an iron reclamation plant from the time he came to the US until he was in his 70s. He never knew what it was to earn an easy dollar. Every birthday and Christmas, we each would get a card with a new dollar bill. I was in my late 40s when he died and I was still getting those dollar bills in a card, and still honestly thankful for them because I knew he had paid with his flesh to earn them. To my recollection, not one of the kids ever made fun of the size of his gift, not after seeing him take the bus from work to the bottom of the hill that he had to walk up, arriving home still sweaty and exhausted. Many of our neighbors had also been in the Nazi camps and/or displaced persons camps, and when they arrived here even the well-educated ones had to take whatever jobs they could and those jobs were usually ones no Americans would take.
When I met my now ex husband, his family did a $5 gift exchange. (1982). We continued this tradition (lots of bargain shopping and homemade craft items...hello tole painted decor!) until a couple of the oldest kids were married, around 2000). We started doing "cousin" drawings for the kids, and tried it with adults too but when there are only 6-8 and 2 are you and your spouse) it doesn't work well. We did fudge a little on the $5 at times but it's surprising what fun gifts you can get at a bargain, and we really tied hard to peronalize them.
With my own family now, we quit doing adult gifts ("mom, none of us need anything") so I buy for the grandkids, although, some years i find just the perfect gift for my adult children and get it anyway, or dinner gift certificates, or we take them out... a mothers perogative 🙂 My grands are really thoughtful in making their christmas lists. One grandson asked for special orthotics that help with jumps in basketball (he' a sophomore on varsity) and my 20 y/o granddaughter is asking for experiences (skydiving, paragliding, a small plane flight), or money for college (working on her masters). Ok, 2 are a little more frivolous (nicer jewelry, and name brand clothing - she's in college) and 2 are 2 young to make lists 🙂 We buy for my partners siblings (mostly less well off) and they are good about putting mostly needs on their lists. Once my brother and sister's kids got older, I started sending gift cards instead of gifts. Now 2 of them have kids and I had been sending Target cards for each. My nephew is great about thanking me after the holidays, but otherwise, no acknowledgement from the others. So, I started changing from individual cards to a family gift card of smaller value. Its probably time to end the gifting but I know they could use it too. The dilemna... Like Rose, it saddens me to buy fewer gifts. I have a lifetime supply of wrapping paper with fewer gifts to wrap. And I love to see the joy or surprise on someone's face when I've picked the perfect gift.
Three books about women coping with societal pressures that left an impression on me are:
The Outlander by Gil Adamson
The Stone Angel by Margaret Laurence
Elle by Douglas Glover (note that this book is R-rated in places)
Enjoy
For a book recommendation, I highly recommend “The Sound of Gravel” by Ruth Wariner, a memoir about growing up in a polygamist community. It was sad but riveting and hopeful.
Leaving the Witness by Amber Scorah is her amazing story of leaving Jehovah's Witnesses. She lived as a secret missionary in China for many years. As a warning, her life after leaving includes a terrible tragedy and it's really hard to read about it, but this book is just wonderful in so many ways.
Christmas gifts: We used to send “Savings bonds” to nephews.But every year we mailed them and had to wonder if they arrived..no acknowledgement!!! We did not get thank yous.I did not especially need a thank you but I DID need to know they arrived, since they had monetary value and could be lost in the mail,etc.. so, after having to call,with embarassment, every year for a few in a row and ask if the bonds arrived (why was I embarassed???) Anyhoo— ..whole thing felt bad so we just quit sending gifts no explanation.That was years ago and eveyone still loves us, lol.
No more kids here but we still enjoy Christmas and i always do the treet an dmantle decorations. We have a small gathering on Christmas eve and I make posole and cornbread and snacky things from Trader Joe.
We DON’T do house lights anymore:too much work!!
I thought I'd add a book recommendation for your other letter-writer: Geena Davis's memoir, Dying of Politeness, is a great read of a creative strong woman. She's not escaping her upbringing, except maybe metaphorically. I also enjoyed Molly Shannon's memoir as well, but it's just more entertaining than a triumph of life.