Know why I clean up my house? Because *I* want to.
Recently, Marie Kondo wrote a book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
I haven't read the book yet, as it's on my hold list at the library.
(I am legitimately excited about this because I read books about cleaning/organizing for fun.)
Despite not having read the actual book, I've read a number of posts about it (Modern Mrs. Darcy for one, and Laura Vanderkam for another, though there are countless more).
Anyway, in the (um, spirited) discussions on these posts, cleaning and decluttering are sometimes framed as an oppressive something or other that's been foisted upon women in particular.
The idea is basically that women are desperately trying to live up to society's cleanliness/organizational standards, and that they feel worthless if they're not successful.
I've been pondering this since reading the posts a few weeks ago, and as I was working through the post-holiday, post-sickness mess at my house, I've come to feel more and more certain that I think this is ridiculous.
At least for me.
I can't speak for every woman, but I personally do not clean and organize and declutter in order to conform to an arbitrary standard that's been held up for me.
Nope.
I clean and declutter because *I* want to.
It's not that I'm trying to make my house look like a magazine, or that I'm trying to find my worth in the state of my house.
And when my house gets messy, I don't feel worthless and I'm not even embarrassed.
In fact, it seriously does not bother me in the slightest to post pictures of clutter on my blog.
(gratuitous clutter)
But the thing is, my life just does not work well when things are messy because....
I function better in spaces that aren't messy.
When my not-so-spacious kitchen counters are cluttered, it is very, very hard to cook dinner, and that makes my life frustrating.
When I can barely make my way to the washer and dryer in my laundry room, doing laundry is an enormous pain.
When my shelves are cluttered with too much stuff, it's hard to put things away neatly. And when I don't put things away neatly, I can't find stuff when I want it.
When my fridge gets cluttered, I forget about food and it rots.
When I let papers pile up, I forget about things I'm supposed to pay/respond to.
(Digital clutter has the same affect on me...when my email inbox gets out of control, I lose track of things I'm supposed to be doing and miss deadlines!)
What serves you?
I know some people function well with a much higher level of mess than I can handle and on the other hand, some people would feel like my house was WAY too messy to function in.
What's important, though, is to figure out what works for you. What level of neatness serves you and your household well?
If that's being super-de-duperly clean and neat, I don't think those of us who are slightly messier should give the side-eye and be all, "Oh, geez. She probably has OCD and/or is mindlessly catering to societal standards.
And the super-de-duperly clean and neat among us shouldn't look down on those who function fine with a few things out of place.
For me and my household, keeping a fairly medium level of neatness and organization works well.
I try to keep my counters clear, I try to stay caught up paperwork, I don't usually get behind on laundry, we do dishes every day, I get rid of things on a regular basis and I think really hard before I bring new items into the house.
So, neatness really seems to help my household run better, but there are a lot of other nice-but-not-necessary things (mostly cleaning chores) that I let slide.
For instance, I don't do a super consistent job of dusting things, I don't wash my floors very often, and my shower usually grows pink stuff before I scrub it.
In an ideal world, my heart would be thrilled by taking care of all those cleaning chores promptly. But I'm ok with letting those go.
Cluttered and unusable counters = Unpleasant Kristen.
But dusty fan blades really don't affect me.
Bottom line:
To maintain a healthy relationship with cleaning/decluttering, don't compare your house to a magazine or TV show or to someone else's house. Instead, figure out what works for your household, and what would best serve you and the rest of your housemates.
Once you've figured out what is necessary to make your life hum along nicely, make that your goal, and seriously, don't worry about what everyone else is doing.
I am similar, Kristen. I enjoy being neat in certain ways, but the dust doesn't bother me except right now as we try to sell our apt. I love decluttering and having fewer things around, but a moderate clean-as-you go does fine most weeks.
The thing is, I also used to say that with a teaching job as children around, it was excusable to be not totally antiseptic; now, however, I am here with my husband, retired, and I still don't clean much better than before. Most people come over and comment on how neat the place is; some call it clean. Truth is it is neat. Only.
You do what matters to you so long as it is healthful, and you be happy! Now I need a neat but not white-gloved buyer for this place.
Kristen, thank you for the morning reads. Love.
Gail, you may be my twin. I'm also retired and I love the house to display my nice things and to please me visually. And I absolutely must have order and organization. I crave it.
But as for dusting? Meh.
Gail and Anne, I agree with you! There are only two of us in the house now (not quite retirement age though!) and as long as things are neat and orderly, dust doesn't bother me. Maybe we've learned something in our "advanced" years!
Fourthed. I keep things tidy (modulo other household members). I don't like dust but I don't like dusting either, so I outsource that job.
Thanks for this Kristen! I struggle with clutter in my bedroom and bedroom closet, particularly. I do not have a husband who is on board with getting rid of things, and I shudder to think that anyone should see my garage....he is a pack rat, worried he may need a receipt from 1990 for some earth shaking reason....but the truth is, he'd NEVER be able to out his hands on that receipt in all the clutter! The rest of my house is fine. The reason I'm thanking you is because you gave me some words to explain how important this is to me. He has always said why does it matter, no one sees it. Well, in the state my closet is in, I can't find things I need for say, a sewing project, and then I have to buy it again. In the garage, we can't put the cars in. Etc etc. his upstairs office is his business, I never even go in there. EXCEPT for the fact that our hot water heater is in the crawl space through the closet in there. I hope nothing goes wrong that we have to get through there quickly, because there's no way. This is an ongoing struggle.
thank you for this question. Every time I hear about the patriarchy I want to vomit (the patriarch in this house is a messy lol)
I tidy because I like the aesthetic of a neat home.
and I too love this book because the overarching theme, specially towards the end of the book, is that there is more to life than tidying ... So do it right so you don't have to do it so often.
The woman-as-victim patriarchy BS that I have seen spouted about this book really makes me want to throw up. I also unsubscribe from a certain blogger because I'm tired of hearing the hidden message that women who enjoy tidying or keeping house are somehow less than women who have a Big Career.
Reading between the lines, the agenda is that if you have time for these domestic tasks you must not be doing anything very important.
Kristen--This is your best post ever! Very empowering. Thank you!
KonMari tidying is very addictive. I have completely redone my closet and as she says I have not relapsed. Her method is so organic. I love the way my clothes are now folded standing up and that my wardrobe includes mainly only pieces that bring me joy.
You will really enjoy the book.
I'm with you, Kristen. I get an overwhelming sense of reward from cleaning/de-cluttering/organizing, and it has nothing to do with living up to anyone's expectations. Life just runs a bit more smoothly when things are in order. When it comes to cleaning during especially busy times, I've learned to adopt a "good enough" mentality where, if it's not super noticeable or an immediate health/safety concern, I just might ignore it until it is. It's much harder to maintain this mentality with clutter, though. My husband and I constantly reevaluate our belongings and look for things to sell or donate. This really helps minimize the clutter and makes cleaning easier in the long run. And for the record, your projects always inspire me to tackle my own!!
Yes, ultimately, I clean because it is something *I* want also.
I got the book you mentioned out of the library. I didn't care for it, and actually didn't read it through. It seemed incongruous to throw all your clothes on the floor and then thank each item as you throw it away. (Maybe Japan doesn't have thrift stores like we do, but she advocates throwing everything away that you don't need/want.) I don't know, I just didn't like the book. And I usually like books on decluttering. 🙂 Getting rid of clutter is one of my favorite things to do! LOL Also, the book seams to be geared toward singles who live in their parent's home.
I am right there with you! I declutter because it makes me feel good. The less I have around, the better I feel. I tidy up because I can't breath in clutter. And I clean because... well, it needs to be done one in a while. I don't give a **** about perfects houses in magazine. My house is acceptable to me and my husband? Then it's all good! I have a small town house, I don't like to spend hours cleaning, so I do what needs to be done and then move on.
Only thing I would like to add is that while I do clean to bless myself and my family, I also clean when I know other people are coming over. And sometimes this is a motivator for me to actually get some cleaning done. I think my house would be in a lot worse shape if it weren't for the fact that I live with other people and have to be courteous, and that I like having people over to visit our house. I don't stress over it, but sometimes social factors help motivate me.
I think that there's a major cultural difference between the author (a single professional, who lives alone and can therefore control her space) as well as between Japanese culture and perhaps the average reader of her English translation. Even storage spaces are significantly different. Most of Marie Kondo's clientele are women and mothers in Japan (a far less progressive culture when it comes to genders, from my loose understanding). So she wrote the book for them. I guess that's where the patriarchy stuff is coming from? I'm a feminist myself, but I didn't feel judged by her statements. She speaks where she is and to her clients where they are.
What I've reaped from this book is that you should keep the stuff you love so you can better take care of it. I think people who focus on gender roles are probably missing the point a bit. She has also mentioned that by leading by example with decluttering family members will probably follow. Oh, has anyone mentioned that in Japanese culture your abandoned/neglected things will come back and haunt you? It's an old wive's tale at this point, but it points to the culture itself. The book is very strongly influenced by the prevailing religion/philosophy in Japan of Shintoism. This means that everything has a life, including inanimate objects.
So, keep the things that spark joy, and give thanks to the objects that don't as you send them on their way. My problem is, I own a number of things that don't spark joy, but I can't exactly afford to replace. What about my trash can? What about my dishwasher? Also, my wardrobe is bordering on minimalist. I kinda can't get rid of certain pieces simply because I'm not over the moon for it, otherwise I'd be down to probably 4 shirts.
However, reading through this book has reminded me that I should take better care of the items I love, like a cashmere sweater I got from the thrift store. I've now paid more to dry clean that thing than I originally spent getting it, but I love it and want to wear it many many times before I'm through with it. If I love something, shouldn't I "repay" its service to me by taking better care of it? Perhaps this isn't a problem of yours, Frugal Girl, but I am only just now learning to be a good steward of my things.
Regarding your post, I find that my life simply is smoother when I put things away immediately. I find myself less frazzled, and much happier. Everything needs its place, even if it's not currently there. That's why I clean.
What great insight, Desiree. Thanks for posting this. Cultural differences are so interesting.
As for me, I hate housework and I don't mind clutter and dust... up to a certain point. I always have to force myself to clean and reading a book on how to be more productive isn't my idea of fun because I know I just won't follow through with it. I like a house to be lived in, not picture perfect (and not even crappy picture perfect, lol).
What contributes to this, I'm fully aware, is that we are a family of introverts and don't like visitors. Consequently, there is much less (as in none) peer pressure to have a house that visitors would deem presentable, I suppose. I let my teens keep their rooms as messy as they want to because 1) they're the ones who live in them and 2) as teens, I feel that they're already being told what to do and how to behave all the darn time so my gift to them in exchange for being a controlling mom in other areas is that I just comment once in a while that it "might be time to clean your room."
Also, as a former executive secretary who's always hated filing, I'm much more productive when I keep all my stuff in ONE giant pile instead of filed away because at least I know where to look when I need something 🙂 Every time I put things away, I can't find them and that's frustrating. I do keep all my receipts too (although not past 1 year unless they're for a big ticket item) and having them around has saved me money. Just recently I unearthed a receipt dated October 2014 to claim a $14 rebate that I had just noticed and hadn't expired yet. So once a year or so, I go through the pile of papers and then file things away or throw them away/shred them. Most of the time, if I haven't needed them in the past year, then I probably won't need them at all. However, I don't apply this to other areas (such as clothes or anything else, actually) because I save a lot of money by shopping in my house and reusing/upcycling things that I already own. To me, reusing something is showing respect for my husband's hard work (who earns a living for us while I stay home) and to some extent the environment too.
One thing I'm working on this year, though, is doing the dishes every night after dinner. Honestly, it doesn't take all that much time and I do feel better waking up to a clean-ish kitchen. Also, hubby likes it much better. I didn't do them last night, though (my excuse was the Superbowl even though I really didn't pay attention to it!) so now I have piles of dirty dishes waiting for me... ugh. And here I am commenting on blogs 🙂
I totally agree Desiree, your insight is right on!
I've read the book and totally embraced the technique. It's addictive, and I do feel happier and less frazzled when things are put away. I've also gotten rid of a lot of my things on Ebay and Craigslist, and in selling these things I no longer loved, I had enough money to throw away my 17-year old pots and pans from college and buy a new set of all-clad pots and pans. Now I want to cook more because I value these new kitchen items! It's amazing that such a simple concept led to me wanting to cook more.
I'm a married female physician and did not feel any patriarchal attitude from this book, only cultural differences. Some are weird, some charming, but the overall theme transcends culture and gender. And my spouse read the book and totally embraced it as well, it's a group effort!
Topics like this put "a bee in my bonnet!" 🙂 Regarding the discussion on the other blogs you mentioned (I haven't read them or the book.): if you want to be clean and tidy, BE CLEAN AND TIDY. If you don't mind the clutter and dirt, just SAY you don't mind it and move on. Stop playing the victim and blaming "society" for making you feel like you don't measure up.
It makes me CRAZY!
I am, by nature, EXTREMELY neat and organized/clutter free. Our home has always been that way. I don't believe it's rigid or consuming. I have grown soooo weary of people telling me I don't love my children enough or spend enough time with my children or I care too much about things that don't matter, blah, blah, blah, because I have always placed high importance on a clean home. We happen to enjoy it at way. My children (now 15, 17, 19, and 22) are, so far, well adjusted, lovely, members of society, with whom we have a great relationships. To my knowledge, they have never felt unloved, uncared for, or neglected because their home wasn't dusty or clutter filled. 🙂
I could honestly care less about how other people keep THEIR homes, so why is it always the "messy" people telling the "neat" people that their priorities are wrong or they are neglecting the "truly important" things because their home is neat and tidy. It's CRAZINESS! If you enjoy a mess, own it and enjoy it! But don't blame me for making YOU messy and untidy!
Okay--deep breath----off my soapbox now! 🙂
Yes, really it's about being kind to others. Give others the benefit of the doubt and don't assume that your way is the only way to lead a happy life. There really is no right or wrong way to keep house, I think, as long as the way you keep house serves you and the other household occupants well.
That's why I like to ask, "What serves you well?" It's an endlessly customizable way of looking at housekeeping because the answer to that question varies with every person/family.
I surely would have hoped that in this day and age, we were past all that "Big Career being the only way" BS. Why do people have to judge, I wonder? It's all about choices, and let's be thankfult that we are free to make them! I work, but it's not my life. I was home with my kids for many many years. Yes I heard some critisim, but I knew I was doing the right thing. That's all that mattered.
What makes that even more ridiculous is that having an all-consuming career (as I do) makes it all the more important that the home be organized and function well. When I do a week of 10- to 12-hour days at work I don't have time to go through 3 random piles of mail to find bills that need to be paid. If one of us is throwing together a last-minute dinner then we need to know if we have curry sauce or not.
I see where the idea of patriarchy comes in, because few people hold a man responsible for a tidy house. My husband's stepmother thinks I should spend more of my sparse free time on cleaning and maintaining the house. I guess she's entitled to her opinion. Trying to keep mess at bay for us is less a matter of self-worth and really an issue of taking preventable stress out of our 2-career household.
Kristen,
I'm halfway through this book right now and there are so many things that have been helpful to me! I often struggle with letting go of items I don't love, especially gifted ones, because of guilt or my "use it until threadbare or broken" mentality. The author's advice on thanking an item for its service may seem silly (in our American culture) but it really helps me to discard certain items and let go of that guilt.
I'm reading this book and applying the methods in our house (rather than my husband) because I'm the one with too much stuff. He doesn't wear scarves, use handbags, has far less clothing and shoes, minimal jewelry, few books, virtually no craft items, I could go on & on. It's also easier for him to let go of items when decluttering and I'm always the one saying, "You know, I think we should keep that" even if we may never use it again.
It's important to realize that the author lives in a different culture and it was originally written in another language. Sometimes, words and concepts don't translate directly and cultural ideas from one group of people may seem out of the norm for another group.
Thanks for your post today and I look forward to your review!
What a GREAT post!! So positive! Words we all need to hear.
Thanks for sharing!
Natalie, The Educational Tourist
I agree! A clean house makes me feel calmer and more relaxed. (Although I do have to deal with the dusty fan blades -- a member of this household has dust and pet allergies!) Keeping it neat may take some time, but in the end I feel like I have more time to do the things I enjoy because I'm not stressing over the things I HAVE to do.
Love this. My brain hurts if certain parts of the house are messy. Other's don't seem to impact me. Why is cleaning the shower so easy to avoid? My struggle is the toys. The boys play really well together when their room has room to play. When stuff covers the floor they seem to fight more and what they play gets more aggressive but if the lego table is organized they get really creative.
What a great post. Please blog more on this subject! I need to see and read more on "real" people on the internet, Thank you!
I'm still recovering from illness but while I've been largely confined to home I have been de-cluttering. Found envelopes and notecards I was planning to buy this week, saved @$4! No money coming in for a couple of months and not sure how long I'll be ill so it's nice to feel organised another way. Collected up all the gift cards around the place, got @ $140 worth plus cashed in my reward points from a credit card ( $100 ) and sold some books to cash4books ( $50 )
Been taking books to the library a bag at a time, now I use Kindle I don't need them all.
My big project whilst I'm off is to organize my filing cabinet and shred all the unnecessary papers.
Such a great post! I do try to slowly improve organization and will power to purge. Paper is easily purged because we use it in our wood burning furnace! Clutter begone!
But yes, if it wasn't for company, a lot of general cleaning might get delayed. And if it wasn't for end of pregnancy nesting syndrome, a lot of random organizing would never happen! 34 weeks pregnant and sorting and washing clothes from my first two. Going to reorganize my storage system.
That's nice that you enjoy cleaning. It's a cheap hobby.
I don't think that these posts on cleaning (which are really in the vast minority on mommy blogs-- most mommy blogs just take the desire to have a spotless house as a God-given imperative) are saying that the husband is forcing a clean house on the women. They are, in fact, questioning the need to have a clean house or to clean the house oneself when there are so many other things a person could be doing with his or her time. When so many women complain about having to clean or talk about how they are somehow lesser people because their house is dirtier than the next door neighbor's house.
Those LV posts and so on are questioning that assumption. That a house must be clean. That it matters that the neighbors have a cleaner house. That we much teach our children that cleanliness is next to godliness.
Not needing a clean house is freeing in many ways. Because needing a clean house to be happy isn't the same as getting extra happiness from having a clean house. (Here's our post on the topic, inspired by a comment that we have to teach our daughters to hate the dirt: https://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2012/04/19/cleanliness-is-next-to-cleanser-in-the-dictionary/ )
In any case, you're in the vocal majority with your baseline of wanting/needing a clean house. There aren't all that many women willing to come out and say it's ok to not care if your house is clean or not. That idea is a revelation for many people.
And yes, it's nice that at the end of your post you say that people who don't care about the cleanliness of their houses aren't bad people. There's nothing wrong with enjoying cleaning either. But for people who don't enjoy cleaning but are doing it anyway... it's nice that there are people out there saying that can be changed. If they can afford it, they can hire help. If they can't but still need cleanliness, then men and children can help. If men and children won't help/are unable to help, then maybe working on becoming one with mess is a better option than working on doing all the cleaning all the time. It's ok.
I wouldn't say that I enjoy cleaning.
(And though I'm not one for brutal honesty, here's a rare bit: the way you framed that sounded quite patronizing. It felt like a virtual pat on the head, from a parent to a child. I don't know if you meant it that way, but there you go.).
As I was saying, I'm not a super great cleaner (see the pink mold reference in the post.) I clean when necessary.
I'm not even sure I exactly enjoy decluttering. It's more that I enjoy the end result of cleanliness and the quality of life improvement. After I cleaned my laundry room, every time I walked in there, it was like a lovely surprise. "Oh! I can walk straight to the freezer without stepping over anything. Yay! This is so much easier!"
So, it's not like I'm sitting there, decluttering and surrounded by piles of stuff, thinking, "Oh, what fun!". It's when I'm done that I feel joy.
Since decluttering is really not something that I feel like I could outsource (how could I trust someone else to know what to get rid of and what to keep?), if I want that marvelous end result, *I* have to do the work.
For the record, I am entirely convinced that many people in the world can function just fine with a lower level of cleanliness than me, and I also am sure that many people need more tidiness than I do. I am just saying that MY life does not function well when clutter reaches a certain point. I am not worried in the slightest about mess or neatness at other people's homes. My home is the only home I'm concerned about.
This is exactly how I feel. I may not be as consistent with the cleaning as even you are, but I do know having clean, functional spaces make my life go just a bit easier.
I've been reading Marie Kondo's (which I need to finish soon as my digital loan is expiring in two days or less!) And I love her spirit and encouragement... and her brutal honesty about past failures and how she developed her method. I hope to start working through her method soon, though I will probably need to actually purchase her book for continued reference (I need the constant support and reminders.)
I hate it when certain people assume that when women choose to do something "womanly" it must be because she's been trained by the patriarchy to do so. I like having a neat house, wearing dresses, and shaving my armpits because that's my preference! My husband certainly has no expectations along those lines (and wouldn't voice them even if he did.)
Amen and amen. If the health department doesn't need to raze your home, your level of cleanliness is probably just fine. I don't like a lot of clutter so I do a lot of de-cluttering. I vacuum weekly and scrub the bathrooms weekly and keep up with laundry. Anything else is bonus. I cook/bake a lot, so it's important to me to keep my kitchen countertops relatively tidy (like you, I have a small-ish home and if you don't keep up with clutter, you don't have a workspace. Period.) I'd rather bake than dust or mop, so ... we enjoy a lot of baked goods in a dusty home. Some tasks are dictated by your locale--we live in a snow belt, so each winter, I spend a fair amount of time shoveling. If I lived in a warmer area, that time could be spent dusting (well, in theory ... ). Many things are also dictated by your values--I volunteer at my children's school weekly--again, I could be dusting, but is that really how I want to spend my time? Let's all just say "NO" to comparisons with each other.
Great advice! I've always done what works well for me, which is clean as it bothers me. I can't follow a schedule which is funny because I'm very routine oriented. Instead, I put aside the first and last 15-30 minutes of my day to clean and organize the things that need to be cleaned and organized.
The biggest thing for me is having the kitchen cleaned right after dinner. I just can't sit down and relax until all the dishes are clean and all the food is stored. I've tried and it drives me crazy.
"seriously, don’t worry about what everyone else is doing." That is a my mantra!
This made me smile. We recently moved the fridge, which gave me opportunity to clean behind and underneath (and discover many cat toys). I had bowls stacked on top, so those came down. That prompted my tall son to comment, "You can't see up here, can you?" Um, no. I'm 5'3". He's a foot taller. I also don't get into the cupboard above it - I found two of the attachments to my Kitchenaid! Yay!
Thanks for pondering and writing. I've been pondering too, and you've helped me put my thoughts together.
What is your take on the advice that children should never let their parents know about their de-cluttering process?
I'll have to get through the book before I have an opinion on that! She's talking about adult children, right?
I don't think my kids will ever have to fear telling me about decluttering because I am ALL for it!
I find this post rather interesting. I would say I agree and somewhat disagree. I have not read the book in question or even heard of it. But I despise cleaning with a passion, but I also do like a semi clean home. Right now it is a mess, and this is distracting me from cleaning it. My problem, is I love to cook, but cleaning is my most hated thing. But I hate cooking on dirty counters, etc.
Do none of you feel ashamed or bad because your house isn't cleaner though? I mean, really? I do clean because I like to work/cook/live in a reasonably clean home, but my home is not guest presentable and yes, sometimes that bothers me. I wish I could on the spur of the moment invite someone over, but we just moved to California six months ago, and I have no friends yet, but I can't invite someone over unless I know them well, as the state of my house is not guest presentable. Especially the last week or so.
I do feel that society tells us that our houses should be clean, tidy and decorated. My house is more functional and less decorated. None of you have ever watched Martha Stewart and wanted to scream at her, because she has this wonderful looking place, even though one knows she has a ton of hired help. I don't have a young child anymore to use as my excuse, even though we now have two young kitties, who are doing a great job making messes! I do feel somewhat judged by the fact that my house is very utilitarian and rather messy/dirty. I am glad others do not, and hope some day I can get there, but I am surprised you all seem to feel that no one feels that way.
I can't speak for everyone else, but if there's mess in the house and someone sees it, I'm not too worried about it. I mean, six people live here and not all of them are awesome at tidiness and life just makes messes (dishes, laundry, etc.). I guess if my house was overgrown with mold, I'd feel embarrassed, but normal messes are, well, normal. Most everyone has them, you know?
Ideally I'd love to have a perfectly clean home, but usually I recognize that I don't want it enough to devote every waking moment to the pursuit of cleanliness. So I've sort of made peace with some degree of mess.
My husband and I can both function with a higher level of clutter or mess. But, we both feel better when the house is tidy and clean. Usually first priority is tidy, then cleaning after if we get to it. Usually it gets to be a big mess then we make a big push to tidy it together (this takes hours). We'd like to stay on top of it, but usually we let things slide, then they pile up. Decluttering helps make it difficult for things to get out of hand, but it seems like the clutter never ends.
This is exactly why you and your blog are my favorite--helping us find what works with no preening or pushiness. Thanks for the encouragement!!
Thank you for posting this!! Being a newlywed. Keeping house took a lot of getting used to...I finally found a system that works for OUR home. It's not perfect for everyone, but it is for us. I finally have a peace knowing that our house doesn't have to be perfect to be comfortable. It's so hard not to compare to beautiful homes on pinterest and organizing blogs, but once you evaluate how you personally feel in your own home, it becomes much easier. Definitely going to order this book! 🙂
Thank you so much for being authentic. Yours in one of my favorite blogs to read. It inspires me to do better, yet not in a competitive way. You are a blessing!!
Absolutely!
Thank you for the encouragement!
Interesting post. I look forward to reading this book for the cultural perspective explained by Desiree in the comments. As for clutter in my home -- usually an area of clutter is a project that I can't get moving or beneath pile there is a problem I'm still figuring out. I see clutter as a symptom of a frozen thought process.
I've been thinking about the difference between 'clutter' and 'heirlooms.' I used to dislike all useless objects, but as I'm getting older, I like the cut glass celery cup that I'll never use that came from my grandmother's home. I like my mom's assortment of salvaged plates that she liked to hand in a mish-mash. Nothing expensive -- just interesting objects with little stories behind them.
Homes with heirlooms like the tiny plastic gnome my daughter found one Easter or the signs we salvaged that had covered holes in the walls of our home, all seem now to build a home. I love when visiting others if they have piles of games and lots of books on the table...this clutter seems to make an inviting space for the visitor.
So clutter that's a pile of undone work is bad for me, but I'm growing to appreciate more and more clutter that's the artifacts of a living home...
Please excuse so many typos in my reply...sick kids = fuzzy brain! Or, at least that's my excuse for today!
I think I can see both sides. In general, I like things to be neat because I function better in a neat environment. Honestly, neither my husband or my kids care very much about neatness. They would all be perfectly happy in a messy home. I would not be. I find a neat environment to be much calmer.
However, there are times when I do feel external pressure to have things clean, especially when people who aren't friends or close family are visiting. I'm thinking of when my in-laws visit, or a colleague, or my husband's coworkers, or something. Then do sometimes find myself looking at my house very critically and feeling badly about things--like dirty baseboards in the bathroom or toys under the couch--that I normally probably wouldn't think much about unless I was doing a big cleaning.
But overall I mostly clean because I like things to be neat. I was talking about this the other day, and to some extent I think maybe we've seen the pendulum swing too far. I think there used to be a lot of pressure on women to keep a home that was unrealistically neat. I don't think that exists any more, honestly. If anything, I think a lot of women are made to feel guilty if they care about things like a neat home, and people kind of celebrate living in chaos. I suppose that is fine for people who thrive in that environment, but personally I think there's a happy medium between feeling like you are a failure if your house isn't spotless and being totally content to live in the middle of a giant mess all the time when you have the time and ability to clean it up.
Thanks for linking to my post! I suspect we're not far off on our basic beliefs, namely that if something works for you and isn't hurting anyone else, it works. Also, we should live our lives according to what makes them meaningful and enjoyable. If creating a clean and clutter-free house does it for you, go for it. I like having a neat house, but I've decided it's not a huge personal priority right now compared with other things (work, spending time with family, exercising, sleep, etc.) So I arrange my budget to outsource some of it, and create good-enough systems for minimizing the chaos. Shoes and coats must go in the mudroom, but I don't care if they're lined up neatly or not.
If people are happy with their lives, all is good. Where I have the issue is when people complain to me of having no free time, and it turns out there is potential free time, but it's spent picking up toys that will immediately come back out again, and other things of that variety. That's often a matter of choice, and then it's time to examine narratives and come to a place where time does match one's personal desires and priorities, not some imagined version of what everyone else is doing.
Oh yes, I don't think I had any quibbles with the post you initially wrote about the book (or with what Modern Mrs. Darcy wrote). It was mostly in the comments that things got a bit derailed!
"Comparison is the thief of JOY"......I am not sure who wrote that bit of wisdom but it is very true and I remind myself of it all the time. Loved this post and once again, thank you for sharing your own words of wisdom.
Amen, well said.
I like neatness but I have some bad habits that allow clutter to build up. If the bathroom and kitchen are clean then I am satisfied. The rest of the house tends to clutter up and get dusty until I come through (usually when I know company is coming) and clean it all up. I have tried FLYLADY off and on with some success.
But! I loved the book you referenced. At first I thought "this woman is crazy! No way can I be like her." But by the end of the book I was excited and inspired. I read it around Thanksgiving and purged 2 big bags of Christmas decorations and another bag of things from my coat closet. I am now working her system (in her suggested order) on weekends and have gotten rid of 90 books, 6 more bags of stuff to donate, and a 64 gallon recycling bin of papers. It might not work for everyone, but it works for me.
Very interesting post and discussion here. I tend to agree with some of the commenters that the whole societal expectations thing needs to be taken in a cultural context. My mother came of age in the late 1950's and spent a good chunk of her life both struggling with and rebelling against societal pressure to be the perfect housewife. Whether that was a struggle against the nebulous "patriarchy" or more tangible pressures like overbearing parents or judgmental neighbors in the Tupperware circle, I can't really say.
But I guess my take is this: Dysfunction comes in all shapes and sizes. In a certain sense neither neatness nor messiness in and of itself is relevant - it's the emotions behind the behaviors that matter. The compulsive cleaner who uses ritualized tidiness as a method for keeping their feelings at bay is no healthier than the hoarder who tries to bury theirs in a pile of stuff.
I think we get into trouble when we try to use the behavior of others as some sort of yardstick to measure ourselves against, because you never really know the motivations or issues behind someone else's actions - and making assumptions on that front is just generally not helpful. So I heartily agree that we should focus on our own proverbial "stuff" and not worry about what anyone else is doing!
This is so true. I was actually kind of happy to realize WHY I like to declutter because I think my motivations are actually pretty healthy. I'm not doing it for someone else or to meet someone else's expectations...I'm doing it because it's what works for me.
And yes, yes to the idea that both hoarding AND obsessive cleaning can possibly be problematic. It's all in what's driving the behavior.
Years ago I read a book by Gloria Steinem - it was so long ago that I can't remember the title or why I read it. But there was a small section in there where she talked about her struggles with clutter and organization. Apparently she had some big revelation at one point (extreme paraphrasing here since I can't remember what she actually said, just what I took from it) and realized that living a life surrounded by perpetual chaos was really only hurting her, and not "getting back at the patriarchy." After that, she decided that it was OK to give herself the gift of a clean home.
Anyhow, perhaps the realization that this stuff is not some sort of cosmic report card, but just about what serves us best is the key to developing a healthy lifestyle. Sounds like you've got that nut cracked!
I like this - "a clean house is a gift to myself".....I've found that once I started basic routines around our household with six people (4 small) in it and started cleaning it for me instead of some unknown "judger" of houses that might be stopping by....I resented it less, was far less crabby with the other people here and it happened to get clean on a more regular basis! I constantly have to reinforce myself to think positively about what I've accomplished in any given day as a SAHM and remind myself no one else is evaluating my clean (or not so clean) home. I'm doing it because I enjoy it to be as clean and organized as I can make it, which is far from perfect. And that our family life feels better when there is peace in the house. Big concept for me to figure out honestly!
I cannot imagine you liking this book - I just finished it on my lunchbreak today - weird.
Thank goodness I borrowed it from the library, and didn't pay for it. Kept reading till the end - expecting it to get better - very disappointed.
Well, I'll let you know what I think!
I really enjoyed this post. Thanks for writing it!
It's an old book (it's been re-printed, though), but for fun, I suggest reading Russell and Mary Wright's "Guide to Easier Living", giving instructions on organization and planning to cut housekeeping time and effort. It was written in 1950, I think, and mentions how many homes "now" had working wives who needed help easing the housekeeping load -- even back then. It also encourages all family members to contribute to cleaning as a matter of course.
I had an in-law--not my mother-in-law--who was the "my house must be perfectly neat and clean at all times" type. She looked down on me because my house was not always that way. She never remembered that she had a maid most of the time, and I did not; she just suggested I was a terrible wife if there were dishes stacked by the sink sometimes when I was working full-time, attending night school, and raising two young children with a husband who was working 60 hrs a week at a job a good distance from home. I'm happy to say I didn't let her make me feel bad about myself. In fact, her criticism had the opposite effect of setting me free. I realized she was obsessive (she fired one maid for not pulling out all of the furniture every week and vacuuming the floor that had been under it -- dressers, sofas and beds included) so I didn't have to worry about her comments. I like an uncluttered, fairly clean house and get frazzled if stuff builds up, so like so many commenting here, I clean for me.
I have been on the library's waiting list for this book forever and finally read it several weeks ago. Kristen, I agree with you- I like to try to keep things streamlined and organized because I find it easier to live my life that way. Granted, there is often dust, but I have a low clutter tolerance. It makes my brain feel jumbled- I can't find things-I don't use up perishables as readily/ I feel "bogged down"
Marie is a bit of an odd duck about unpacking her purse and thanking her objects but...whatever. I also don't agree about several other points, however I took away a very cskuable point..," does this inspire joy?" No other statement has helped me get rid of things I previously was hesitant to donate.
I didn't take away any gender role/anti feminist/only women declutter stuff. I saw the book for what it was- a way to help me continue to reduce my stuff!
I enjoyed Marie Kondo's perspective. Thought it was interesting to read about tidying and decluttering from a different cultural point of view. I did not get any patriarchal vibe from it, so that perhaps was the point of view of the bloggers.
I appreciated that she discusses this as a process that will give you more time to do things you enjoy, as you will spend less time dealing with clutter and disorganization. I have totally found this to be true in areas where I have applied her method. Not done yet! I find it much easier keep my house at a level of order where I am comfortable with drop in visitors.
As a small business owner, I do think her attitude toward paperwork is unrealistic. I can't just toss all those receipts in case the IRS needs to see them. But I do spend much less time filing them than I used to, since the likelihood of that is small.
As for sparking joy, I doubt that my kitchen trash can will ever do that! So I use the William Morris standard as well: keep nothing in your house house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.
If the trash can functions well, it stays. If it didn't I would consider replacing it. I do appreciate that Kondo is not all about buying totes and files and organizational tools, but suggests that you have plenty of containers that will work already.
I love how reasonable you are Kristen! Have you ever read the book Home Comforts? I have not made it even close to all the way through, but I just love her introduction in the book. I can't describe why I love the Introduction to that book so much, you'll just have to read it for yourself!
Yes, I did! And I really did enjoy the introduction. Not gonna lie, I skipped some of the other chapters. And I will NEVER be as fastidious as she is, but I love her passion for making her home a comfortable place.
Kristen,
This comment is a bit of a sideline on this post, but I thought I'd ask anyways. I remember you painted your kitchen cabinets a white a while back and I'm wondering how you feel about them being white in terms of this topic of keeping the house clean?
We're considering white cabinets for our kitchen since the space is smaller and dark. But I'm worried that I'm going to find white isn't practical for a heavily used kitchen with kids.
Do you find you have to clean them more often? (I'm guessing my oak ones now just hide the dirt 🙂
I definitely, definitely do have to wipe them down more often, but I kind of feel like that's a good thing. The old finish hid the mess a little too well until the mess was very bad. Also, the old finish on mine had worn down so much, I couldn't even really wipe them off. The paint I used dried to a nice, hard, wipeable finish, so wiping things off is pretty easy.
I have been a horrible untidy person for most of my adult life. I always had to have 24 hrs notice before having anyone in my home and I always did my best housecleaning 1 hr before guests arrived. I lived under CHAOS........can't have over syndrome.
I don't know......I guess I am in that season of life where my perspective has changed and I want more order. 45, single momma, soon to be empty nester. I saw how challenging it was for my dad to go into his parents house and figure out what to do with a lifetime of stuff. A few months ago, it all clicked. I got the Motivated Moms app and started working my way through the house. The vibe of my home has changed and my stress level has gone down.
I think it's easier to be frugal for me in a clean and de-cluttered space, and I definitely feel less stressed if the paperwork is organized. Tax time can have me in a frenzy if I'm searching for papers, and now we have healthcare enrollment stress too. I'm definitely going to try to be better organized and minimize the stress for next year.
Having all this illness too has made me organize my last will and want to leave affairs in some semblance of order for my son...I even wrote notes about it all in a book on my desk!
I love that my kitchen is clean and tidy after weeks of disorganization...it's a small place so clutter quickly takes over.
I love and agree with everything you said here! I can handle a little dust and dirt; I cannot tolerate clutter. Makes me feel claustrophobic. Love your blog. 🙂
I read the book after one of my wonderful readers sent it to me. In fact I'm sending it onto another blogger and we are all going to sign it and keep passing it on. Marie would be proud (well, maybe, I don't know her personally).
It was an interesting read for me because it approached decluttering from a different angle. Like the many posts around the internet, I planned a book review then... well it's been a bit chaotic here.
Currently I cannot keep on top of the house work at all. In fact I'm becoming quite used to just closing doors on things. But although I'm not a 'neat-freak' I definitely like an uncluttered home. Clutter weighs me down physically and mentally.
OK I'm 36 male and my fiance is 39 with a 6 year old daughter, and for the life of me I can't figure out why dust and clutter don't bother this women? When it comes time to clean the house I'm the only one that dusts she can let it pile up until the brown furniture is grey. Same with bathroom buildup floors sink and tub, it's like it do faze he?????? Her house never had the window cleaned until I showed up and did it..... OK am I OCD or do I just have a l women who doesn't care about what her house looks like???? My Apartment as a single male was kept cleaner then this house... Please help
I think it's just a personality difference...people's standards for cleanliness vary, you know? I don't think it's a wrong/right thing-you guys are just different from each other.
So, you'll have to weigh how important that is to you. Are you ok with being the one with higher cleanliness standards, and being the one responsible for the cleaning? Or is that going to drive you completely crazy?
I wouldn't hold out lots of hope that dust will suddenly start to bother her, anymore than she should hold out hope that you will eventually not be able to see the dust, you know?