We are all making choices with our money.
Responses to a few recent posts got me ruminating on this topic, so I thought I'd throw some thoughts into a blog post.
Let's jump in, shall we?
We are all making choices with our money every day.
And those choices will vary from person to person.
These choices don't necessarily make one person frugal and one person not frugal.
Rather, these decisions show us where our priorities lie.
And priorities vary from person to person, as they should. Everyone's life situation, preferences, and values are different, and the monetary choices they make will be different too.
Why does this matter?
Well, it's relevant because it affects how we view other people's choices. And we in the frugal community can sometimes get a little bit...judgy.
If we think our priorities are the ones that are right, then we'll look down our noses at people whose spending priorities are different than our own.
But really, what we should hope for other people is that they will make spending decisions that reflect their priorities, even if those priorities are different than ours.
Remember Amy Dacyzyn of The Tightwad Gazette? I recall her pointing out that there was nothing frugal about owning a large home and having six kids and two dogs.
(Having a small home with no kids and no pets would be far more frugal.)
But those things mattered to her, so she sacrificed in other areas to make the home/kids/dogs happen.
Take my friend Katy and me.
Katy is arguably more frugal than me in hundreds of ways. She'd never buy a pair of jeans from Stitch Fix, she eats beans on a regular basis, she buys almost everything second-hand, and so on.
But she's doing a lot of that so she can cash-flow her two sons' college room and board, which is a huge expense.
On the other hand, we never have beans for dinner, I buy plenty of stuff new (Amazon Prime, I love you!), and I do own this pair of $68 Stitch Fix jeans.
But my kids are starting out their college careers in high school with half-price tuition. And they plan to get their associates at the community college, while living at home, before transferring to a four year school.
Does this mean I'm frugal, and Katy's not? Or that Katy's frugal and I'm not?
Should Katy be horrified about my jeans? Should I be horrified about Katy's college bills?
Nope. We're both trying to make the best financial decisions that we can, given our family situations and priorities.
I think the point of frugality is this: to save money on the things that don't matter to us, so that we can spend on the things that do.
No one can tell us how that should look, because only we know what our priorities are.
Maybe you'll live in a tiny home but spend money on travel.
Maybe you'll eat beans so that you can buy more shoes.
Maybe you'll drive an old car, but have 5 dogs.
Maybe you won't renovate your kitchen, but you will buy local meat.
It's easy to think that what we choose to spend money on is just prioritized spending, but that what other people spend money on is a sign of poor money management.
And it's easy to forget that while we're criticizing others, we are probably spending money on something that other people would view as unwise/a splurge/pricey, etc.
(I know, because I'm guilty of it!)
But what helps me is to remember that when someone makes a different choice than I do, it's not necessarily a wrong or inferior choice.
It might just be different.
P.S. I need to note that poverty-level living is not full of choices. When you don't have enough to live on, you have to save every penny, no matter what your priorities are. So, just know I'm not addressing that here; rather, I'm addressing those of us who have the privilege of making monetary choices.
Yes, the personal finance blogging comunity can sometimes come off as being a bit judgemental. In most cases I don't think it's the intent of the bloggers, it's just that they are very passionate about what they are doing and trying to help others.
As long as you find ways to save money, it's all good. Just don't go in debt. But what you actually save on versus what you spend more on is an individual choice.
Been a faithfully reader for years and this is my first time leaving a comment. I loved this post. Very well written and a 100% correct. Frugal doesn't look the same for everyone. I hate shopping especially for clothes. I couldn't imagine spending $68 on a pair of jeans when I shop at thrift stores and spend $5 on a pair but would probably spend money on something you would think is absolutely crazy as well. We're all unique and have different needs and you explained that great here.
Yup. It's why I don't weigh in on the What I Spent part of your Friday posts--I don't budget food. Because I budget everything else--old cars, used clothes, no eating out, etc.--so I don't HAVE to budget food. The best food is about my number one priority.
Though funnily enough, I think my focus on the best quality food actually leads to more-frugal behavior in some cases. The absolute best-quality vegetables come from my garden, for instance, which is mostly an investment of time that makes me happy anyway. And the best meat is purchased as whole or half animals from the farmer, which often ends up being cheaper per pound all around. I can't get around the dairy thing, though, because I don't have a dairy cow and am happy to pay for someone else to milk a cow twice a day for me. Not trudging out to a barn at 5 a.m. every single day currently trumps saving on really good cream and cheese. As you say, priorities. 🙂
Right? My small-town grocery store is my milk cow and my chicken house, and I love them for it.
Agreed Kristin! I don't limit my grocery budget anymore (within reason), I tried to at the beginning of our frugal/debt free journey, but I felt too restricted for my family. Like you, we are strict in other areas like entertainment, new vehicles. I just make sure to be conscious about food waste so that I am not wasting that money I spend 🙂
I'm the same way. Our food budget for 3 adults and 1 toddler is $750/mo. We try to lower that, but we don't want it to ruin our day. We are frugal in pretty much every aspect of our lives. Enjoying good food is what we love to do the most!
Same here. We spend about 700-800$ on groceries + 150$ on restaurants per month, family of 4 (in Canada). It's not cheap, but we like to eat well, we enjoy eating out once or twice a month, and it's depressing for us to skip on that. I still keep an eye on sales and do price matching, but we splurge too.
We spend $600-700 a month on food for two adults. I never tell anyone this because it sounds excessive, but we love to cook, rarely eat out, like variety and trying out new recipes. We save a lot for retirement, have no debt, and drive older hondas, so I'm good.
Agreed... I have had people judge that we spent thousands on a whole farm raised cow but then they spend mindlessly on vacations and consumer products. I kindly reply to them that feeding our family the best food attainable is my luxury. #PaytheFarmerNotthePharmacist
I love that hashtag!!!!
Great post 🙂 As you note in your final paragraph, it's a privilege to be able to prioritise, and one I'm very grateful for.
Yes, we get to choose to be frugal and what to spend money on, it is a wonderful blessing that I know many don't have. Thanks for sharing this Kristin. Our frugality is centered around our desire to not need to work someday in the future and get to choose our jobs. Plus my husband suffers from daily chronic pain, so we know that someday working will be much more difficult for him.
Love the heart of this post! I choose to have a dog even though it would be more frugal to not have pets. I don't skimp on much with my dog. She gets better quality food, treats and she gets nicer doggy clothes too. It's definitely not frugal but she is so darn cute!!!
Lily, I love the mental picture of your little dog strutting around in some designer doggie clothes. Now I have to come up with the names of the designers: Vera Woof, Dana Ruffman. Wow, I just realized I don't know the names of hardly any clothing designers. 😀
Well said! Great post!
That's an awesome perspective, and why I keep reading your blog 🙂 With you and Mrs. Frugalwoods, I always feel like even though my choices are different and I'm in a different stage of life, (I'm 25, single, no dependents, in medical school = big debt but also big earning potential), and my trajectory of life and career is/will be different from yours, I can learn so much about reevaluating my priorities, and not default to spending lots of money on things that aren't a priority for *me.* I feel like that's the whole principle of frugality (that, and living below), and I read your blog daily because I feel like, if we met in person and I told you all about my spending, you'd be encouraging me to save for things that matter to me, and not spend on things that don't. There's no virtuous deprivation or performative frugality on your blog and I so appreciate it.
Whoops, that should read "living below one's means" for the principles of frugality 😛
We're the ones who live in a super modest home so we can travel. Most people question why our home is so modest given our family income. But the traditional choice of putting all your resources into a home and sacrificing in other areas just isn't us. We we want to travel and experience life.
My father-in-law tried to talk us out of our modest home, even offering us money for the larger downpayment. We weren't interested.
Big house = big utility bills, big furniture needs, big reno bills and more space between us and our little ones. We wanted cozy but still practical. 1600 sq. ft., 3 bdr, 1 1/2 bath for a family of five is considered fairly little in Indy amongst our friends and family because housing is cheap here. It works for us, though. My FIL thought we were nuts.
Now that the boys are teenagers or nearly so, we do feel a bit cramped but it isn't problematic and it is a few short years until they are grown and gone anyway. I fixed up the unfinished basement last year to carve out a tv/game room for the boys. That additional space for them and their friends makes the house live large, even though no realtor could call it finished living space since every inch is bare concrete floor, cinderblock wall and unfinished ceiling. It is painted cool colors, though. Ha!
We're looking for a new house right now, and we're in agreement with your philosophy here. We currently live in a two-bedroom house, which feels too small for a family of six. My eldest literally has his bed in the laundry room, because it's the only other room with a door. I have four children, but I don't want or need a house with enough bedrooms for all of them to have their own. We need a house with a room for my husband's office, though, so we're still looking for a four-bedroom house. But six bedrooms? No. I don't want to furnish, clean, or pay a mortgage and taxes on anything that big.
Yes, this is our philosophy exactly when it comes to our home. We have six kids, but we’re all fitting in just fine in a 1500 sq ft house with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, and a finished basement. Some people think we’re crazy to stay in this house with this size of a family, and there have been times in the past where I FELT crazy, but when it comes down to it, I know that making this house work for our family gives me more peace than I would get moving into a larger home that would require more money, more time cleaning, and more furniture. And I know a bigger house wouldn’t force me to evaluate what material things are truly essential and worth taking up space like this house does! We’re quite happy in our “little” house.
Good for you for sticking to your values!! We have a big house (2400 foot squares) and only 2 kids, and it's too much. I mean, I absolutely love my house because it has everything I ever wanted (wood stove, big bathtub, no carpets, etc), but it's too big. We use half of it, really, yet we pay for all of it mortgage and taxes wise. Trying to convince hubby that we can move to smaller once the kids are gone, but they are only 5 and 8 now! Aha. And so far it's a "no go" on the hubby's side....! I dream of tinny houses...!
I used to have quite a few people living in our2800 sq foot 5 bedroom, 3 bath house—Mom-in-law who passed away and 3 older boys who have finished college and moved on. It’s just me, husband and 10 yr old. Some days I want to move to a smaller place, but this is home.
We built a house when our two kids were in middle school and high school, and built it as a 1600 sq. ft. house, at the same time friends of ours, with two kids almost exactly the same age, built a 2500 sq. ft. house. We got a lot of curiosity from our friends as to why we built so small, and some of our co-workers even got a little snide about our small house. About six years later, we had empty nests, and a few people conceded that maybe a smaller house wasn't a bad idea after all. I'd much rather clean, maintain, heat and cool my 1600 sq. ft. house than a 2500 sq. ft. one.
It's fun to know we are in good company on this. We all concur that our family would hate a truly tiny house...we do need personal space...but our house has enough. Our oldest has autism and learning disabilities. He might live with us for the rest of our lives, so at some point we might move to a house where the bedrooms are arranged differently, but not a bigger house, per se. We'd want to give him more privacy and that probably means a house with an in-law suite where he has his own living room, kitchen, laundry, etc. He is independent and capable but has numerous limitations on his ability to handle bills, driving, unexpected situations. I wonder if houses exist that are under 2500 sq ft with an in-law suite and at least 2 other bedrooms? Maybe? We haven't looked yet.
I am in the same boat. Everyone thought we should look at larger homes, and the bank would have given us more money, but then, we could never eat out, never travel, never consider small splurges. And I would have had to gone back to work sooner, and instead, I got to invest time in my family. So we bought a smaller, older home, which is plenty for our family and we travel whenever we can and if we have crazy weeks, we can take a night off from cooking. Same goes for older cars. We keep our cars until it no longer makes sense financially. We all have different priorities.
We have the same priority April. We prefer to have a very modest house so we can travel not only locally but the world. We believe our children should learn not only from the classroom but real life outside, enjoy nature and experience other cultures.
Well said, thank you
Love! This is why I read your blog!
It is such a battle...not to compare, not to think I have all the right answers, just to mind my own business. I find myself being critical of others who don't think like I do. Thanks for this good reminder.
Yep....guilty as charged!
Love this! It's something I forget, not that we're model frugal people. It really is easy to see how I prioritize spending while it's very difficult to see that in other people. I'm not in their brains after all.
I also see this in the Mom world: I've been referred to as the mom who does all the things (make bread, sew, homeschool), and in reality it's because I enjoy those things, and they are MY contribution to MY family. These friends that have called me that work, or run, or have more kids, or volunteer for organizations, or do all the pinterest things (I do not!), or cook every meal for the dietary sensitivities in their family, and contribute to their families differently. God made us each differently to do different things for our different families, and I think we should spend more time enjoying each other's differences!
Yes!!
I think a good analogy is spending money is similar to sinning (I am not saying it's a sin to spend money!) We all sin, but we choose to do it in different ways. To point out one person's sin is to overlook my own sin (Jesus was a brilliant man!) So we should focus on our own lives and be respectful of other people's choices, because we rarely know all the facts. I am sure other people are frugal in just different ways than I am. My friend eats out a lot but she very rarely buys groceries, whereas I buy tons of groceries and very rarely eat out. So I assume it balances out overtime anyways. I hope that wasn't confusing....
So true- I could afford a cleaning lady and someone to clean my pool and mow/trim my grass, but I choose to do themselves because I still can and want to spend that $$ other ways. I went to a financial planner once and he asked me what my most important thing was $$ speaking and I told him for my 3 kids to go away to college and graduate debt free. It worked! You do need a plan though- that's where financial bloggers can really help out.
Great post, Kristen! I'm frugal by nature but like quality so I've always shopped used. I don't tell people what I spend on food because the amount is so low. It makes people feel guilty that their grocery bill is higher than ours. Our priorities were our children, travel and education. It's now fun watching them prioritize the same way. Well, except for eating out, they're foodies!
Good words for all of us!
I love when you post these types of thoughts, and it's the main reason you are one of the only frugal blogs I visit on a daily basis! The $200 emergency vet bill I had yesterday is definitely not frugal (dog ripped a toe nail completely off and needed to be sedated to have it fixed up), but our animals (2 dogs, rabbit, cows, horses...) bring so much joy and purpose to our lives and serve as amazing teaching opportunities for our daughter. On the other hand, travel and clothing and eating out is not a priority to us. But we don't judge those to whom it is!
I really enjoy these posts and reading your thoughts and philosophies on money and frugality. Helps me see he world and others (and myself) with fresh eyes. My favorite type of posts!!! Keep them coming and thanks for all your work woth the blog!
I love this! I come from a very judgmental family - and they think their way is the only way. My father-in-law once told me that I'm not frugal because I travel so often. When I pointed out a family member's $25,000 kitchen renovation, he responded with "Yes, but they saved for that" He simply looks at things - or in this case, a kitchen - as more frugal as that as what he prioritizes. As if I don't buy used clothes, or cook from scratch, or not renovate my kitchen and save in other ways to travel. It frustrates me to no end!
You said it perfectly!! Thank you!
Yep, we all prioritize differently. My jaw often drops at how low Kristen's grocery spending is, even with a larger family than mine, but she is willing to do things for food that I'm not. For most foods I buy one specific name brand, because my family and I can either taste the difference or tell the difference in texture. Food is not just nourishment to us, it is enjoyment, touching other cultures, and one of the main ways I show my love to my family. We also eat significant amounts of meat at almost every meal, because I believe that is important for good health.
Food is the expense where I often feel judged by the frugal community. There are so many posts everywhere about 'if you do this, you can cut your grocery bill down' which are written with the assumption that everyone thinks their grocery bill is too high. I don't. We have chosen to spend more here. If I save money one week because pot roast is on sale, the money I saved is used to buy fancier dinners a later week, not moved to anywhere else. My only interest in frugality in food is to save money in places where we don't notice the difference (like using dried beans instead of canned to make chili) so that I can spend that money on food where we can taste the difference.
Thank you for writing this. It is a helpful reminder that I need to work on applying this to all sorts of mcjudgy-pants thoughts that on all sorts of different topics (child raising, working outside the home, etc.). Thank you.
"I think the point of frugality is this: to save money on the things that don’t matter to us, so that we can spend on the things that do." Yes, yes, yes and yes. We say exactly this all the time -- to each other, to our kids, and to the more judgey of our family and friends!
I agree entirely! We've had major family discussions around the dinner table on this point many times as our kids were growing up. I can't remember the last time my husband Alan and I saw a movie in a theater. But it doesn't matter because it's not important to us. Our kids laugh at our flip phones. But we don't care because neither one of us needs (or wants) a smartphone. Since smartphones were important to both of our kids, Alan and I allowed each of them to have one - when they could pay for the phone and the data plan themselves. However, in the last ten years, our family has made three cross country camping trips with our travel trailer, covering more than 24,000 miles, to visit our National Parks. Our kids have biked on the carriage roads in Acadia, watched Old Faithful erupt in Yellowstone, looked out over the city of St. Louis from the top of the Gateway Arch and slept within a stone's throw of the Grand Canyon. And those are the kinds of things that are important to our family. They might not matter to someone else's family at all, but our choices reflect our family's priorities and our family's values. This was an excellent post, Kristen! I think you hit the frugality nail on the head and you did it with the same tact and empathy you apply to all of your posts. Thank you for speaking so eloquently on our behalf!
Well, I agree, to a point. I assume by the tone of your blog that you are talking only about *discretionary* spending. If so, you are spot on, but if you are also talking about people who choose to wear expensive clothes, drive nice cars and eat out while neglecting their bills, well, I respectfully disagree. I have coworkers who are way in debt, behind on monthly bills and still prioritize high class living. Sorry, but I get to be judgmental about these people because they are the ones who cause credit rates to be high and mess the economy up for the rest of us when they declare bankruptcy.
Was the P.S. added later? "I need to note that poverty-level living is not full of choices. When you don’t have enough to live on, you have to save every penny, no matter what your priorities are. So, just know I’m not addressing that here; rather, I’m addressing those of us who have the privilege of making monetary choices."
No, I thought of it while I was writing the post. I know most of my readers aren't living a poverty-level life, but some are. And those of us that aren't can use a reminder anyway too! 🙂
"...I get to be judgmental...."
That's a choice you're making to be judgmental. But I think honey attracts more than vinegar so even when people are making what I've decided are poor choices, I remember there could be more going on that I don't know (even if I think I know everything because they're open and telling me details), there could be stress there I'm unaware of, illness, death, marriage problems, etc. Grace. Everyone deserves and should have grace.
Let me join the chorus -- Yes to this post! I do judge others sometimes, but I try hard to remember that, as you pointed out, we all prioritize our spending and it isn't wrong just because it's not my priority, and, hey, I'm getting better at it! I know I got criticized for giving our girls dance lessons for many years when money was tight, but they not only loved it and got good exercise, they ended up getting part time jobs at the studio in their high school years. They also developed a lot of confidence from both their skills and appearing on stage. I also was criticized for having pets, when money was tight, but that was our choice, and it worked well for us.
Where I have the big problem is feeling judge-y about people who are clearly making bad choices -- meeting friends on Friday nights in bars when the electric bill is late, or buying a flashy car but the kids are way overdue for dental work. That's when I have the biggest problem in remembering compassion instead of contempt, and also remembering that I can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink it -- I can't make them spend as I want.
Thanks for the kind tone of this blog, and the commenters' as well. And hooray for a mention of The Tightwad Gazette -- still one of my favorites!
I'm sorry you felt the need to post this...I'm assuming in response to some recent comments on your blog. People should remember to reserve their judgment or to at least give it with kindness and understanding 🙁
That being said, it's a great point to remember. Your goals are very different than mine. Even mine change on a situation-by-situation basis sometimes. For example, I'm pregnant-due in May, and I'll be hiring a house cleaner to clean weekly for the first couple of months the baby is here. It's our second kiddo, and I genuinely regret the amount of time I spent keeping my house presentable when our first was a newborn...I couldn't just not clean though. So this time around, I'm avoiding all of that by paying someone to do it for me. Frugal? Nope. Worth it to me? Yes. Is having a house cleaner a priority to me normally? Nope...normally, I'd do it myself because that's a lot of money!
Well said! My husband and I are trying to be more frugal and we are working to help each other stick to a budget. We have some different needs and interests and we agreed not to judge each other on how we spend our discretionary income. I spend a bit more on clothes than him, but I work in an office where I often represent my company at meetings and have to look appropriately professional on a regular basis, he works at home and can wear t-shirts and shorts most days. He loves comic books and art books and buys them as reference for his work, I borrow from the library and swap with friends. Together we agreed to cook much more at home and exchange simple gifts, (often inexpensive experiences), for special occasions. In the end we know we are still meeting our budget together and that's all that matters.
I think a lot of the judgey-ness IS intentional. There will always be people who are insecure about their own lives and choices and it makes them feel better somehow to criticize others. I learn a lot from your blog, even though my frugality is far different from yours. That's OK, because I love seeing how someone else does it so I can LEARN how to apply that line of thinking to what I do. Then I make it work! Keep on keepin' on, FG.
I use money spent as a cross-check on priorities: does where I spend money, match what I think my priorities are? If not, then one or the other needs to be reviewed or I need to think about short term vs long term satisfaction. I think this match is true for everyone, but where people spend money and what they think/want to prioritize will differ.
My struggle now is to do the same with time. I do not use my time in ways that match what I think my time priorities are. This is one of my biggest personal struggles.
Interesting that you should bring up time. By the standards of those around me, our family leads a very frugal lifestyle; much of the reason we do is so that I can work in an on-call basis. My husband works full time and has benefits, so any income I generate is considered extra. There are many reasons we have this lifestyle--it started out this way to allow us to avoid putting our children in day care, but now that they are older, it is still a benefit, especially since my elderly mother moved to our town a couple of years ago and has needs which must be attended to. It all boils down to time--our basic needs are met with my husband's job and the extra time I have by not holding a job with regular hours has been a tremendous blessing. I often feel judged for that choice, but I have to remind myself that we are looking at prioritizing our time as well as our money and that my life doesn't have to look like anyone else's.
YES! Time for me is something I'm always chasing...and as I say, it runs like the dickens.
After taking care of my responsibilities (and the list is long) I then tackle my priorities...and finding ways to utilize my time to get it all done is priority number one.
People say that they cant do what I do but they could if they make the time... 🙂
Good luck with this particular struggle...your not alone!
This might be my new favorite post. Top ten, for sure. Thanks, Kristen!
Thanks for a great, throughtful post!!! I agree, 100%!!!
I was wondering if someone made a condescending remark to Kristen as well since she brought this up. I'll be judgy and say people are rude to speak to and treat others as if they're better than anyone else and do a better job at everything else. That being said.........
I enjoy this blog. It's fun, light-hearted and family oriented. Whether the articles are frugally centered or not, I still like them.
I do not comment on the what we spent articles but having Kristen be transparent in her food choices/expenses is pretty darn brave. I try to do good in that department as well.
I think we can learn from each other and have definitely learned how to make bread from this blog! I've never heard of some of the clothing shops and don't have pets so I'm curious as to how Kristen handles new pets and online clothing purchases. Hey, it's life, right? A little bit of this and that and it's the spice that we add to our day.
I've seen too many people run into trouble later in life because they made poor choices in their younger days. Research shows the majority of people are poor planners for their retirement and for major prolonged medical issues. Saying something is only a small dollar amount a month is fine if you are also appropriately provisioning for your future needs. Most are not. Many do not realize what all those extra things add up to over time and how if different choices are made how if will affect their life. I've seen quite a few people kicked out of nursing homes because they ran out of money. It is horrible to be elderly and frail and wonder where you'll be living. Several put all their money into their kids thinking they would be there to take care of them but it did not work out that way. Enjoy your life but make sure you are appropriately saving and planning for your future.
I think this way of looking at spending is open-minded and open-hearted. It allows for others to focus on what is important to them without being judgmental about their ways. Funny you mentioned the Tightwad Gazette in your blog today because I did, too!
Great minds think alike. 😉
Kirsten, I just wanted to say that I appreciate your blog. Its interesting, funny, and I like the tone of the comment sections...so many different personalities!
Anyway, like so many others, I hope this post wasn't prompted by some snarky comment.
Personally, I like how you explore new things and take life as it comes (love your new furry purry btw) and find simple joy despite it all...that's what I get out of this blog at any rate.
So, keep on doing what you do. We're all living life the way we see fit and hey, that's what makes things interesting!
Well put!! That’s why I read this blog!!
I LOVE this post. I think the same principle applies when it comes to "green living" and environmental stuff - except that community can run circles around the frugalistas when it comes to the judgy stuff! (Vegans on the rampage, I'm speaking to you!)
The thing is, that what might be a simple no brainer for one person, is an impossible obstacle for the next, because we all have different realities and priorities. Personally, I'm always looking for the sweet spot where frugality, environmentalism, and laziness meet. But we all make compromises.
So while I'm perfectly happy driving only around 600 miles per year in my 28 year old car, and not having been on an airplane in 25 years, and mending my thrift store purchased clothes until they literally fall apart, and living in a small house in a non-white neighborhood, and not having kids, and virtually never eating or going out - my cats dine on ridiculously expensive premium cat food, I ride a high end carbon fiber road bike, and you can have my Netflix & 50 inch TV when you pry the remote from my cold, dead hand!
Anyhow, Kudos to you for recognizing that we don't all have to be exactly the same. And just think how horrible it would be if we all WERE the same! Personally, I'd be pretty darned grumpy if there were that many people clogging up the bike path! 🙂
As a laid back vegan, please accept my apologies for anything that a militant vegan ever felt justified in saying to you. Please know that we are not all like that. Most of us are just muddling along in our imperfect world just like everybody else!
Awww... thanks for your sweet comment. Of course I know that not all vegans are militant jerks. Thanks for being one of the good guys!
This exchange made me smile! Joshua works at a very hip coffee shop, so he meets a lot of people who let you know they're vegan within 30 seconds of meeting him. Ha. But I figure there are tons of vegans out there who aren't nearly so in-your-face about it...it's just that the militant ones are what you see most often, because of their militance!
Non white neighborhood?
I'm a very, very white person, living in a neighborhood filled mostly with folks who are recent immigrants from Mexico and other Latin American countries - not a lot of English speakers here. I LOVE my neighbors, and meant no offense by that comment - but it is one of the poorest areas of the city (hence, it was a place I could afford), and I took a huge amount of flack from my white-bread family and friends for buying a house in what they perceived to be a very dangerous area - translation: for choosing to live among brown people. My point (which I didn't make very well) was that most college educated white people are only willing to live among other college educated white people, and this means that they're gonna pay a lot for housing. It also means that they miss out on many opportunities to learn and grow from being immersed in a different culture - which was something I didn't anticipate when I moved here 20-some-odd years ago.
Somewhat ironically it is my brown husband (LOL, he does jokingly call himself that, he is Pakistani) that shot down my plan to move to a "non-white" area of Indy. He is super safety-conscious and had down research on the types of crimes around the city and ranked the neighborhoods. He found an affordable area with the lowest crime in the city and bought a modest house. He says he couldn't have left me home with the babies without worrying all day if we had lived where he grew up. You win some, you lose some. We could have had an AWESOME historic house for the same money as our bland 50's ranch.
Ha! Well, I fear my neighborhood is nothing but bland 50s ranch houses. I lovingly call it "the land of cracker box houses." But the crime rate here really isn't any higher than other places in the city - even violent crime. I have learned how to not make myself a target for "crimes of opportunity" but I'm not really sure there are more of those here than other places.
The one area where we are an outlier though is traffic accidents - which I blame squarely on the city's failure to deal with some pretty big infrastructure issues. I hate to say this, but I doubt those issues would have been ignored for so long if most of the residents here were white. I could go on and on about that issue, but suffice it to say that living here has taught me a great deal about how institutional racism works, and sorta radicalized me in a way that I hadn't anticipated - which I think is a good thing.
This may be one of your best all time posts, in my opinion. I actually think this applies to a lot of decisions. If it is not harmful to the person making the decision or to others, I try (and often fail) not to pass judgement. I think this also applies to judgements we make regarding how the poor choose to spend their money. All Our Kin by Carol Stack, while a fairly old book, does a fabulous job of showing how decisions that seem irrational to a middle class family actually make perfect sense to someone living near the poverty line.
That sounds like a fascinating book - I may have to check it out!
Wonderful post Kristen and a great reminder. We ALL have different family/home lives and financial situations. Thank you for the gentle reminder to be careful on our judgements and letting pride tell us that OUR way is better. We should just hope and pray that everyone makes the best decisions for their lives and their situations.
Well said! Thank you for this great reminder that we can all use!
Thank you for this! I have a teeny tiny blog and almost quit a little over a year or so ago due to some scathing remarks made on a post I wrote about my youngest daughter having a bunch of friends over after school and my having to change out dinner plans to accommodate everyone. People had a field day judging me because this all happened while my husband was also laid off from work. (We were getting by on his severance and money we had in the bank. The only state assistance we signed up for was our state's free health care program.) It got so bad that I had to not only delete abunch of nasty comments but also had to turn my comments off for awhile! My husband found new (and better) job in about six months and, even though I didn't stop writing, it still (obviously) bothers me and I am hesitant to write about some things for which people can judge me too much. " It's not all about "the money" and that's all. And people shouldn't judge someone else on how they spend the money they make/have/etc.
I definitely understand that! I got pretty worked up about some comments early on in my blogging days, but I think I've grown a very, very slightly thicker skin since then. Which is a good thing because boy, you can NEVER EVER make everyone happy. One day, people think you're spending too much on something, and then another day, they're thinking you're too cheap because you're not spending on something! 🙂
I totally agree with this! We go to family camp every summer, which is quite pricey, but it's worth it because we love it so much. We also don't take any other vacations, have no debt other than our mortgage, own a much cheaper house than what we "could" afford, don't eat out, and avoid unnecessary spending. Some people would say summer camp isn't worth all of that, but it is for us!
We do a family camp too and I agree...so worth the sacrifice. I save for it all year and only the savings for taxes are more sacred to us! Lifelong wonderful memories of time spent with us and friends that have become as close as family...priceless!
Great post! Thanks for writing it!
We chose to spend retirement money buying motorhomes in which to travel all over the US. My sister-in-law couldn't figure out how we could afford that. Until she realized she paid for her extended family to take vacations in other countries. We just chose different types of travel.
I completely agree!
I choose to rarely eat out, buy clothes, or go to places that cost lots, because at the moment I want to prioritise being able to afford being on an organic and free-range/grass-fed diet.
I lost my dad last year, at 62 (too young, when his parents cleared 80 and his grandparents made 98+), partly due to, in small part at least, liver damage caused by years of somewhat crappy eating habits.
I don't want to die at 62, so I prioritise what I can control, in order to look after my internals!
So eloquent and I couldn't agree more!
I admit I used to judge people who spent money on grocery delivery and cleaning services. But, for many people, the cost of these services makes up for the time they don't spend on these activities. You cut expenses in other areas to make up for the money spent on what matters to you.
For example, I bought myself a Roomba for Christmas because I spend hours every week sweeping. Several people said it was a pricey purchase for someone getting out of debt, but I didn't care. In fact, I'm now able to invest that time I spent sweeping working on freelance projects, bringing in more income.
My husband and I finally have our business profitable enough to allow some adjustments to the budget and this year we added Christmas gifts for each other. So fun! He got me the Bissell version of the Roomba (old frugal habits never die...), we named her Shelly and she is the best gift I have gotten in YEARS. So much time and irritation saved. With three sons in and out all day our floors were always gritty. I love her!!!
This is an excellent point! I think most people are "frugal" in some ways so that they can enjoy their hobbies and passions. For example, my mom loves to drive. She has a small home with little maintenance so that she is able to lease a new car every few years. My husband's family has horses. They never "upgraded" their house (updated anything beyond the basic builder grade materials that the house came with) so that they can afford to keep the animals. So to an outsider, no, horses and new cars are not frugal. But we all make cuts on one area of life so that we can enjoy other things. Judging others is not the way to go!
Over the faithful years of reading this blog, you have shown me a way to articulate my feelings in a way that lifts people up, rather than making them feel bad. I am so grateful for this lesson from you. Please keep on inspiring.
Very well said! I can tell you put a lot of thought into this post.
Thank you! I loved this post. You have some wonderful readers and I always read the comments for the insightful comments.
I know sometimes it can be hard not to be judgmental especially when I see people in front of me in line at the grocery store buying food I could never afford and wearing clothes I could never afford and then I see them pay with an EBT card and then carry their groceries out to their big, expensive SUV. I just try to put on blinders and remind myself that morals and values are important to me and I can sleep well at night knowing I am doing my best with what I have. I remind myself to focus on what I am doing and not worry about what others are or aren't doing. This had worked well for me over the years.
Oh Kristen! I know I said yesterday that your adopting your pets post was my favorite post ever but this tops it! This post is excellent and gives us all something to think about!
You hit it perfectly! So now I am not apologizing for my spending choices or judging others on theirs! Thank you!!!
My gigantic movie collection is the target of a lot of scorn from the frugal community but all my niche films (silent films, anime etc.) bring me joy so I'm keeping them.
I love this post. And I love your friend Katy and her frugalness.
I belonged to a FB group of frugal minded people that got to be so judgy, that I had to leave the group. It was constant criticism on what they felt was right and what was wrong. And if they thought something wrong, they did nothing but laugh and criticize that person. And they loved to criticize people when they said they were leaving the group because of all the judginess. Sad to judge people on how each spends their money. It is just like you said, what is important to that person and family.
Thank you.
Great post!!! This is why I continue to faithfully read your blog. I also follow Katy's blog regularly. Spending choices will vary from family to family and from various situations. We can learn from others without offering harsh judgement!
I love this post. So true!
Katy is frugal alright but I really love how Earth conscious she is, so mindful about minimizing her carbon footprint. It's pretty inspiring to see someone's actions are congruent with their beliefs.
Great post, totally agree! Its about choices and priorities and thinking before you buy/spend. Being conscious of your decisions.
This is one of the best posts on this blog. I am thinking about it for the second day already and I realise that my husband and I really never had a talk on what is important for us. I think it is time to start the dialog on our priorities. Thank you, Kristin, for this life changing post.
I'm super glad it was helpful!
You are totally wrong about frugal people critiquing others who spend differently. It would have been a good article if you would have left that out. Just that we all do it differently was interesting enough.
I'm not sure what your experience in the frugal community has been, but I wrote this article based on my own personal experience. Your mileage may vary, though, and if no one has ever judged you for your spending choices, you must be hanging around with some extra awesome people! 🙂
She's not wrong...I've seen it some in real life, but a lot of the judgement seems to happen online, in blog comments and Facebook group posts. It happens way more than it should.
Isn't it funny that what grandma used to say rings quite true here "Mind your own business!" If we all did that, it seems the "judgey" problems would be solved.
I dealt with this just this week as we have two boys in college and have the loans to prove it. Their education is important to us. They have gotten scholarships, jobs, etc. but we are willing to take loans to pay for what we can't cover in cash. I understand everyone doesn't feel that way, and that's fine. I really don't care! LOL! Until I'm asking you to pay back the loans (which I won't!), it's really none of your concern!
Well said. My thoughts exactly!!
The fact that you recognize this is one of my favorite things about your blog!
We spend a lot on travel and our kids' extracurricular activities. A lot more than most of our peers. But we live in a very modest house, drive older vehicles, buy little in the way of clothes and toys, I homeschool our kids to save on private school tuition and uniforms (living in our low COL area unfortunately means that there aren't good public school choices), and we don't do a lot entertainment-wise (movies, concerts, eating out). This allows us to do a couple international trips each year and devote a significant amount of time and money to extracurriculars.
These are the things we've chosen to prioritize while our children are young. It's funny when friends are shocked that we can afford to take our family of 6 to Paris, but they're living in a house that costs 4-5 times what ours did. Just different priorities, neither better or worse than the other.
Thank you for presenting a very reasonable view of this. So often we get consumed with"all or nothing" or "my way is best." I like to believe that we are doing the best we can with what we are given. My mom's running group come from all ages and stages of life. I love that we can accept each other's lifestyles regardless of how we are choosing to live.
I have been thinking about spending priorities a lot lately. Having finally paid off all my debt (except the mortgage) in June, it has been an adjustment for sure. But in a good way of course. Its the first time in my life when not every cent went to meeting basic needs or servicing debt. Figuring out my priorities has been more of process than I though. It thought I would save for travel when I finally got out of debt. Turns out I would rather feather the nest and spend some money making my home more comfortable and fixing up my hard. This shouldn't have surprised me since I am a total homebody but it did a little. I also spend more time/money enjoying my relationships. True, you don't need money to do that, but I really enjoy going out to dinner and on small adventures with friends. I also love being more generous with my money now that I have more to share.
As for the internet, I don't much care how people spend their money but I do tend to get a little judgey with my family.
I learned the phrase “I chose not to afford that.” From a friend of mine. We bought season tickets to the theater but no coffees out or getting dessert. Not because we couldn't afford it, but we wanted theater tickets instead. Why did it become a competition to be frugal?
Thank you for this post. The comments to the allowance post sparked a lot of conversation in my home. I’m glad you responded. We should all try more cheerleading for our community instead of criticizing.
SO True! I have had to change my mindset and my vocabulary. The default when I was growing up was the statement, "We can't afford it." I won't say this was bad, because it was true for my parents, but even as a child I could surmise that lack of money limited possibilities. So, my family has delayed a lot of gratification and we can afford many, many things now. My husband and I say, "I don't choose the value for the expense." When responsible people are make responsible financial choices for what they value, there is zero reason for criticism. Now, when people have not been responsible and their BAD choices cost others and society in general, i.e., bankruptcy, welfare for some, etc., I have to admit I am a bit judgmental. I don't mind paying for those that truly need temporary help, but I will never enjoy enabling anyone that will not help themselves.
"It’s easy to think that what we choose to spend money on is just prioritized spending, but that what other people spend money on is a sign of poor money management."
Quoted for truth! Oh my gosh, that needs to be on a poster somewhere.
Great post, Kristin. Thanks for keeping it positive!
I think many money blogs wind up I judging space because the bloggers have to think about it so darned much and you try to come up with regular posts. When you put deeper thought into a purchase it can feel like you know better than everyone else who hasn't.
With that being said I think there are spending choices that are worth judging. But those usually fall into a category either of poor lifestyle or overspnding income. I would judge someone consuming $100/day of MJ, not because I think it's too much $ but because I tholink it's too much MJ!
On the flip side the decision that turns me off the most of many FIRE people is limiting children for the sake of $. Sure, there are levels of poverty when people shouldn't bring in another mouth to feed and my problem isn't per say with people deciding to have one or no kids, or a dozen. My problem is when the decision is motivated by the effect they would have on FI. Put off buying stuff makes sense. But limiting your little humans crosses from frugal to cheap and I find it very sad. Having six kids isn't "not frugal" and I judge people who judge it in those terms.
Like almost everyone else is saying, this kind of posts are the reason I keep coming back to your blog. (Those, and the food posts, because I’m a glutton.) Everyone has their own priorities and values, and frugality is all about figuring out how to spend the available money to meet those priorities and values.
I see the same judgey attitude around food *all* the time, and I try to avoid that in my writing as much as I can. Reading this post was a good reminder that this kind of individually minded approach (rather than a regimented, “you have to live this way in order to achieve X” type of approach, whether that X is financial freedom, ideal weight or health) can still be super helpful. I sometimes wonder if “you figure out what you like, then figure out a way to have that without ruining your health by budgeting for those treats” approach I’m advocating is really all that helpful to people, but if the parallel I’m seeing between personal finance and healthy eating holds some water, it’s got to be. It was validating to read this and all the comments. Thank you!
I really liked this post! I'm fortunate that my family is very comfortable financially, and I don't take it for granted. I consider myself very "value conscious": I want to get the most for my money, regardless of what I'm buying. Maybe it's a box of cereal on clearance, a pair of jeans at Goodwill or even a house or car; I'll spend the money if I feel it's worth it and that I'm not overpaying. My dad loved to coupon and bargain shop (so I come by it honestly), and I'll never forget him telling me how he ran into a very, very wealthy acquaintance at the grocery store, and this man was using coupons. He said to my dad "Why would you pay more than you have to?" and that always stuck with me! Really, why would you? If your favorite cereal is on sale this week, why wouldn't you buy a few boxes now, so that you don't have to pay full price next week??? Of course, like Kristin pointed out, this is for those of us who are lucky enough to have discretionary income; I'm very aware that when your money is stretched too thin, a lot of these "bargain" strategies don't work, and I'm not unsympathetic, for sure.
Such a good post! I really value this and a few other spaces on the internet where (most) people make the effort to support each other instead of jumping on board the judgment train. My problems are more along the lines of feeling down on myself when people are critical, and Kristen, I appreciate the way you stand up for yourself. That’s as important as the kindness towards others that you cultivate, and a valuable example to some of us that tend to let others get the better of us.
"I think the point of frugality is this: to save money on the things that don’t matter to us, so that we can spend on the things that do." So much YES!!! I'm currently cutting expenses in some areas to pursue a hobby that's a bit expensive. But I (and my family) are prioritizing what means the most to US.