Thanksgiving for misfits
If you have a life that looks a bit like it could have been plucked out of a Hallmark movie, then this post might be useless to you.
But for the rest of us, a word:
If you have gone through some kind of loss...
If you are alone and you don't want to be...
If your life looks very different than you thought it would...
If you've been betrayed by someone who was supposed to love you...
If you expected "normal", and your life feels anything but normal...
...then a family-centric holiday such as Thanksgiving can be hard.
You might feel like a misfit, you might feel disillusioned, you might feel unmoored, you might feel unloved, you might feel envious.
And maybe you feel some of those things semi-regularly, but oof, the occasion of a happy family holiday can really magnify those feelings.
I always say that if there's a sore spot in your heart, a holiday presses on that sore spot, and it hurts more than usual.
If you feel like that, I just want to say that you are not alone, and I want to send you a big hug, as much as one can through the internet.
I know some people like to offer comfort by saying something like, "Oh, all those happy families you see? They're probably not as happy as they look."
But I think that's a cheap way of soothing my raw heart; I don't want to throw dirt on someone else's genuine happiness in my efforts to concoct a salve for my own sadness.
The truth is that some people's families are happily intact.
Some people have realized more of their dreams than others.
Some people have had fewer challenges than others.
Some people have faced less loss.
Some people's hearts are less bruised.
Some people do have a partner who is their best friend.
And those people are doing nothing wrong by celebrating their happinesses or posting their family/couple photos on social media. I am so genuinely happy for them, and I don't wish suffering on anyone!
But I think it is only human to wish for some of the things we see others happily experiencing.
I am feeling ok at the moment, but I will tell you that a few weeks ago, I had a dip into the valley of feeling really, really sad about my circumstances.
And when that happens I figure, ok, there is some more grieving to be done. There's more sadness that needs to work its way out. So, on multiple occasions, I cried heartbroken tears, and eventually, the heaviness lifted.
At the moment, I am in a place where I can say to myself..."Yes, you are not where you want to be. But where you are now is so much better than where you used to be. Your life is full of possibilities. You are free."
One of those things that is now possible: tomorrow night, I will be working at the hospital, providing care to people whose Thanksgiving holidays are most certainly not going the way they expected or wanted!
A sweet family holiday is a beautiful thing, for sure.
But it is also a beautiful thing to go take care of hurting people.
A beautiful day (or night in my case!) can look a lot of different ways, and if we can loosen up our thinking, we might be able to see the beauty that is mixed in with the sadness and loss.
So. If you are feeling sad, I stand in solidarity with you. And I also hope that you are able to find some beauty in this time, regardless of how unconventional your life feels.
Tomorrow, I'll be here with a Thankful Thursday post (how could we skip Thankful Thursday on Thanksgiving??) so, if you want to pop in and make a list tomorrow, I'll be here!
P.S. I always feel the need to clarify: I do not wish I could go back to my marriage, nor do I regret leaving, not a single tiny bit. I just wish that my story had been different. And I hope there are happy plot twists and new endings in the future. 🙂
One of our local channels has been broadcasting titles very similar to the ones above, on a daily basis. They are lost on me, frankly.
Life has certainly had twists and turns that I did not foresee. Having said that, I am now a much happier person than I was at 20, 35, or 50. I feel such thankfulness for the good things in life, was able to overcome the sadness and mourning of the past, and feel equipped to deal with the sorrow that I will inevitably experience in the future. I do not take my happiness for granted. Does that make sense?
Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate that holiday, and happy thankful Thursday to everyone!
I think most people have parts of our stories that we wish were different. Old dreams and expectations pass, but there is still grief. Gaps at the table on Thanksgiving will be hard. But I try to focus on who's there.
I didn't expect this type of post today; it really spoke to me. Thank you.
Kristen I am thankful that you have found a way to spend Thanksgiving that will bless others and yourself.
I am thankful for more nice weather this week and also that there has been rain (and perfect, non-sticking, snow).
I am thankful that I am healthy and temporarily able bodied.
I am thankful we are not traveling for the holiday. Family members are not local, beyond DD and SIL, and as much as I'd love to see them I do not love travel and we seem to always be the ones that have to make the effort.
"You are not alone." These words, when offered in kindness, compassion and empathy as you have done here, Kristen, can make those sore spots you mentioned so much less painful. This is such an important message for so many of us, no matter what our current situation is. Twenty plus years ago, we lost our mom three days before Christmas. Surrounded by all the joyful noise of the holiday season, I never felt more alone. I'm fortunate to be part of a large, caring family, but not everyone has that kind of support. As we give thanks with grateful hearts, may we remain mindful of the needs of others. Your Thanksgiving patients have no idea (yet!) how lucky they are to have you!
Kristen--The best is yet to come for you with your amazing attitude. You have, over the years but especially the past decade, made me think a great deal, all for the better. Love and gratitude, Gail
Thank you for this. Yes. The Thanksgiving through early January (my birthday) days have been the hardest for me. It feels empty. Sigh.
This year my husband and I moved from Florida back to Maryland to be near his aging parents, and I'm thankful we have this time with them, while we still have them. It doesn't take away the hurt from the loss in my family, but I'm thankful for it nonetheless.
@Brooke, I also have an early January birthday & I feel like this time of year just sucks.
I worked many holidays as an aide and then as a nurse. It felt good to be there for the patients who for sure didn’t plan to or envisioned spending their holiday in a hospital bed.
THIS! Your words resonate so much with me ( and I’m sure so many others).
I, too, would not go back to my marriage, but there is still so much loss of dreams and hopes and wasted potential.
This is my first “big” holiday without him. Luckily I’ll have my kids and his whole family spending it with me! They’ve been incredibly supportive which helps heal my heart.
It is a little discouraging ( to me) that you still are having those down times, but hopefully it’ll ultimately help me when it happens later and I’ll think, “Well, Kristen went through this too and worked through the pain, came out the other side and is doing it the healthy way” and I’ll know it’s all part of the process and I’ll for through it too
Thank you for being so open and honest and also generous in not being envious, but truly happy for those who are truly happy. And you’re right, those people take nothing away from anyone’s happiness.
I wish everyone here the kind of holiday that works for them and remember not every year has to be the same and next year may hold something completely different.
Sending you love on this big first.
I think when you have been in a long, long marriage, it just takes a while to get through the grieving. I got married when I was 19, so I spent all of my adult life in that marriage; it's gonna take a while to heal from what happened in that marriage.
I wish I could just press a button and never be sad and never be triggered; sometimes I am terribly angry at the unfairness of having to work through all of this.
But I will encourage you by saying that I can look back and see that lots of healing has happened in me in the last few years. It is not as hard as it used to be. There's hope!
@Kristen,
Thank you for those encouraging words. I too was married at 19 and am trying to give myself grace for that young girl who made those choices so long ago.
I am so grateful for your blog and community which I found for frugality, but have found so much more!
Grief is not linear and healing is a process. You are an amazing example!!
Yes, yes, exactly. That's a long time to be married, so it stands to reason that such a big life change will take a while to adjust to. It's a process, and we can take care of ourselves by having patience for the slowness of it!
Well said, Kristen!! Graciously shared and beautifully written!
Yeah, I wasn't exactly planning on losing DH so soon and the way I did, either. (Somehow, reminding myself that 74 was a ripe old age in Jane Austen's day isn't helping me much with that.) As Kristen says, "I think it is only human to wish for some of the things we see others happily experiencing," and in my case the wish is that DH and I could have aged together in relative good health.
But my loneliness at the holidays is assuaged by the fact that as a childless couple with no family nearby, DH and I had already formed "holiday families" of friends. These traditions continue, and I've even formed a new one in DH's absence: For the second year now, I'll be taking my next-door neighbor to the Thanksgiving dinner her other close friend gives for members of her own family and church. So life does go on, even if not according to plan.
I think this is a beautiful example of holding space for both the sadness and the joys. You wish your DH was here, and you also are finding joy in the community that you do still have.
@A. Marie,
Truly sorry that your DH cannot be here but you are doing a good job of sharing love and helping others, which is a fine way to focus on what we can still do. How fortunate to have grown those "holiday families" over the years. I have always loved how so many people do not limit the definition of "family" as our lives go on. Family comes in all sorts of individuals and that is a true blessing because what hasn't been mentioned, is that some families are, sadly, toxic, hateful and just plain damaging to be around, no matter how much we love individuals. And, the pain for many, is having to choose NOT to be around such individuals because it's not that they hate those folks, but that they know that it is self-destructive to allow one's self to be around them.
I read a book by Iylana Van Zant years ago where she talks about "loving from a distance" and seeing hate coming down the street and crossing to the other side.
For some, the holidays are painful because they must choose to be elsewhere to protect themselves and that is an extraordinary pain: TO love but to know that others are hateful and harmful in how they show "love" to you and others.
(And we are not talking here about political or socio-economic differences. We are talking about destructive and willful behavior that some individuals exhibit towards each other.)
@A. Marie,
I'm so glad that you have a "holiday family." I know your friends and neighbors are terrific, and that's just beautiful.
@A. Marie, you have a wonderful community of friends and neighbors. The way you care for one another is an example to us all.
@A. Marie, Wishing you a great Thanksgiving, surrounded by your holiday family.
@Irena,
Well said!
Please let us know the name of Van Zant's book. I would like to read it.
@A. Marie, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your marvelously-named Holiday Family.
Remember that recent Q&A where you said something like, "I just fell into this blogging thing, and I don't know how I managed to make a living writing."
This is how. It is so rare to read a well-written, vulnerable thing like this that manages to share how you are personally dealing with something, without alienating anyone reading it. You have a great gift, Kristen. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
@kristin @ going country, amen to that!
@kristin @ going country, Well said! You have your own gift of writing to translate what Kristen’s deeply thoughtful post means to us.
@kristin @ going country,
DITTO on what you said above.
@kristin @ going country, well-put, amen.
@kristin @ going country, Yep! So true ❤️
@kristin @ going country, Yes!!
Thank you for this post. This is my family’s first “big” holiday without my dad, and it’s been hard leading up to it, so your words are comforting. I’m glad you have found a way to make the day positive for you by helping others.
Yes to all of this. I too find my story to be completely different than it once was, and I do grieve those happier holidays. I will be working at the hospital tomorrow, too. Then I will come home and put a very different dinner into the oven and hug the ones that are here with me, and make my way through the holidays with sadness, but with also hope. And I have no doubt that you, Kristen, have some even happier holidays ahead of you. Happy Thanksgiving!
@Gina from The Cannary Family, hugs to you too, from one member of the FG Widows' Group to another.
@A. Marie, sharing that same hug from another member of the club. My daughter & I will be having dinner with 3 other families with adult kids. After 6.5 yrs since my husband died, I am starting to finally feel less fragile. I am grateful
@A. Marie, you have such a great way with words fg widows group, commentariat. so grateful to read your comments. as the sole survivor of my original family, i never felt the loss more than at my son's bar mitzvah last april. am so glad you have a family of friends to ease your loneliness and sorrow.
Kristen:
This is brilliant, and totally on target. Respect, and heartfelt thanks.
Thank you for this. I don't know that I've ever commented but this is what I needed today. Heck, for this holiday season coming up. This will be the second year where my life isn't where I thought it would be. Last year was hard but somehow easier. Maybe because I focused so much on trying to make everything bright and cheerful and happy for my daughter and I didn't allow myself to grieve the destruction of my marriage or the mental anguish it caused myself or my daughter. Maybe this year feels harder because it really has sunk in how much my life is different that the one I foresaw 2 years ago. This post though made me feel less alone. That what I'm feeling is normal and ok.
There is so much grief around divorce; you grieve the loss of a future you envisioned, or if your marriage was hurtful and traumatic, you also grieve that you were never loved the way you hoped you would be. And that is a crushing loss to grieve.
You are SO not alone. You are normal. You are ok. You are having feelings that most humans would have under the same circumstances.
@Kristen,
And let us remember, divorce also refers to the end of friendships and relationships beyond a marriage or intimate partnership.
I've never been married (never wanted to be), but I've lived through the divorce of others and the end of relationships (not my choosing) in very painful ways. We're talking relationships of decades ended in ways beyond imagining how hurtful they could be.
It isn't just those who are now divorced officially who suffer from the sadness and loss of other close relationships that holidays also trigger pain and sadness.
Yes, that is a good reminder. There are so many kinds of relational losses we have to navigate as humans.
@Irena,
Yes about loss of other relationships. My DH lost his best friend since college (45+years) due to his divorce. It actually started several years before the divorce - best friend had some issues with alcohol, mental illness, etc etc., and started pulling away from DH. I think DH has grieved that loss with the help of a therapist, but not something he could have ever anticipated happening.
@Liz B.,
To be clear, best friend's divorce. DH and I are still married. 🙂
@DMc,
In one of his lyrics, John Lennon said, "Life is that which happens when you're making other plans." (I think he was quoting another writer, but I have no idea who.) So true.
You were really brave to leave your marriage, and very generous to write a post like this!
I always forget Thanksgiving exists as I'm not American or Canadian. Still looking forward to writing a thankful list tomorrow (I have an exam so it probably won't be a fun day either way!)
@Sophie in Denmark,
Good luck on your exam! I always tell my students that American patriot Thomas Jefferson, author of our Declaration of Independence and our third President, said, "I'm a great believer in (good) luck, and I find the harder I work, the more of it I have." LOL!
@Sophie in Denmark, But then you can be thankful the exam is behind you!
@Fru-gal Lisa, thanks!
@JDinNM, very true! It's in the evening, annoyingly, but will still be over by Friday!
@Sophie in Denmark, good luck on y our exam.
This is such a lovely post, especially the bit about not raining on the happy people's parade. It always seems so sour, to me, to sneer at people's funny holiday family pictures. Yes, anyone who's ever had kids knows that it totally can be exhausting as well as happy / and / or quite stressful and expensive. Doesn't mean it's ''fake''.
Not surprised you're suddenly dipping a little. Your situation is much more settled now, and has been for a while. The initial ''elation'' (not elation, but adrenaline / relief) of the court wrangling now being totally settled and done has worn off, naturally so, and this is to be expected. You're processing the various heartaches and sadnesses you have been through for various reasons through the years. If you weren't, it would be quite odd, if you think about it!
You're doing so, so well and there are many amazing and happy holidays / regular times ahead for you, personally and professionally.
What a beautiful, authentic post from the heart, Kristen.
I agree with mbmom11: "I think most people have parts of our stories that we wish were different." Even in the unrealistic setting of Hallmark movies, most come tinged with tragedy. A parent died when they were young, their fiancee passed away suddenly. I feel like at least one character in each movie has a complicated or sad backstory.
You're so right that different people have to endure different levels of loss (I'm writing this comment while waiting in a mechanic shop where I took a dear friend's car for some maintenance - she was widowed suddenly a little over a year ago and her life has been absolutely shattered.)
From the outside I think I look like I have a fairly picture-perfect life, but the reality is a lot more nuanced.
I am estranged from two family members and it's...hard. And sad. And confusing. Like you, I know the steps I took were correct and for the best, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and doesn't mean I don't wish the story had played out differently. And it also doesn't mean I don't sometimes wonder (and worry) about what the future will look like.
Closer to home, my nuclear family has been embroiled in a rather horrific neighbourhood situation for years now (that included a death threat against one of my children). There have been a lot of very dark, hard days.
So there is light and there is dark in every story and I love that you continue to shine the light, while acknowledging the dark. Equally valid and important.
Thanks for sharing this. Such a powerful post, and I am absolutely certain it will be balm to many souls this Thanksgiving <3
@Elisabeth,
Yes, thank you for saying this. There is dark and light in every story.
I am sorry that you are going through this estrangement. It has to be painful because it is clear that you still care, deeply, about these individuals. Life would be so much easier if we could just discount people due to their actions (or lack thereof) but it just doesn't work that way.
It is the rare person, no matter how they seem to act, who does not feel pain and loss with estrangement no matter the circumstances. I know this from my own life.
The idea that loving someone means we accept all their behavior, words and actions? That's a fantasy definition of love that should not apply. We must sometimes love from great distances for many reasons, including maintaining our own mental, emotional and physical health and well-being.
In your moments of doubt and pain and sadness, do not regret that you did what you had to do. Loving someone does not give them permission to hurt us.
@Elisabeth,
A death threat? No wonder you're stressed! I hope law enforcement got involved. Be safe, and have security cameras recording outside your house. (I would suggest a hulking guard dog, but as you are not a pet person, that would not do.)
Prayers!
@mbmom11, Thanks <3
I'm sending you a quick e-mail by way of follow-up. It has been a truly wild, scary ride for the last 3+ years. but God has been good and I have learned so much. I wish I could have learned the lessons another way, but I really can see a purpose in it all.
Well said. I had a plan, then I had a different plan. Believe it or not (and I still find it hard to), the second plan happened pretty much as laid it out.
Then karma kicked in big time and as we know, karma can be a bitch. Now I have a life that looks much smoother from the outside. Not because I'm frantically hiding something but because the challenges and complexities just aren't evident without a great deal of additional knowledge.
You know, I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. Maybe just that for those (rare souls) with a straightforward HEA and those (more common) ones with lots of complications - we're all in it together.
@WillamB, "HEA"? (culturally illiterate here).
Whatever your situation is, you certainly seem to handle it with grace and equanimity, which I find very admirable.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, I think in this context HEA means “happily ever after.”
Beautiful post, Kristen. Thank you for the perspective.
@Meg in SoTX, thanks for the explanation
Kristen, (((Hugs))). Your patients will be blessed to have someone so smart, kind, and with a perspective on the reality of holidays looking after them.
My goodness! Why do all those Hallmark movie posters look so identical? It's a little creepy actually...
Thank you for this post Kristen. The holidays have become very difficult for me in recent years for a variety of reasons that are completely outside my control. I keep trying to go through the motions so that my boys can have happy holiday memories, but it's still very hard. Thank you for acknowledging the heartache without shaming anyone who isn't having a less than merry season because I completely agree that pain shouldn't be paid forward.
@Becca, I agree that the posters are a little creepy. In a Stepford Wives celebrate the holidays kind of way.
@Becca, Hallmark has apparently found a formula that works, because we all know exactly what is meant when we refer to Hallmark movies. They remain popular in spite of not knowing anyone whose life looks that way. (Those red and green sweaters distracted me for a bit. . . is the woman always wearing red? Nope, I found one wearing green. . . must have really shaken the corporation to do the switcharoo.)
Kudos to you for bravely marching ahead for the sake of your boys. They are worth the effort!
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, Absolutely! They know what works. You can't be mad at Hallmark movies just like you can't be mad at McDonald's selling hamburgers and french fries.
But yeah, I think the simplest answer is that the "posters" are just a template that is followed. No art theory required.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, When I spent months in the hospital, Hallmark movies were one of the ways I coped. Plus, I was in and out of consciousness during some of the time so I would fade out during one movie and back in during another and it didn't matter much! The predictability, the happily ever after, the lack of violence, were just what I needed. All of which is to say that I think of that channel and company with gratitude, knowing that I am not the only one who was comforted by their product.
@Lindsey, when I am under the weather, I read fluffy predictable fiction for exactly the same reasons—predictability, happily ever after (HEA, I now know!), lack of violence. Soothing and a great escape.
Sumo harvest hasn't started just yet. . . I know you are wondering!
I'm so glad that I checked your site before starting the day!
I truly can understand where you are coming from & feel a mixture of some of those myself. And what a wonderful description of less than picture perfect can still be good. 😉
As the holidays begin (starting with Thanksgiving) I am already sad by the sad looks people give me when I respond to "what are you doing for (Thanksgiving, Christmas (eve & day) & New Year) & I respond teen & I will be home (just the 2 of us). I can honestly say that I'm not sad that there's no picture perfect thought of the holidays for me/us. It was not as great as people thought it looked & had been a lot less than great during this time of year for quite a while. I'm glad that I don't have to put on a happy face to go see people that are not interested in me or my kids, OR get subtle comments about not being there if didn't go. I'm glad we don't have to experience & see the vast difference of family members disfunction.
Do I miss some of the good memories, yes but I know that we are ok with now. Teen & I still practice some traditions but we were the ones doing those traditions (alone with my kids) before. It's been a sometimes difficult process to work through occasionally (even a few years after change) but knowing it's ok & enjoying what we do have now.
Thanksgiving & Christmas at the hospital working (I have been told by my cousin & my sister) is not as bad as people think--- bonus/additional holiday pay, provided food usually & patients glad for your care.
Looking forward to Thankful Thursday.
This was such a lovely post - THANK YOU!!! You are such a strong, resilient, cheerful (but also realistic) role model. I always appreciate your outlook. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wonderful, insightful thoughts, Kristen, and I'd like to add one more to the types of families who are celebrating in a big happy Hallmark-style gathering that others might envy; those are the families that did have all the challenges and are celebrating their having walked through those fires to the other side.
This, of course, will be our first major family holiday without DH. We know to expect moments of sadness, and I'll be honest, I got a little teary-eyed reading your post. I'll repeat here what I heard in the grief workshop I just attended, which was to accept our grief and allow ourselves to experience it. I know we can get through this, and I know you will, too, Kristen!
I'm not sure if I'll be here tomorrow, so I'll drop a couple of thankfuls here:
One, for the birthday of our six-year-old, the one with the Disney Princess appearance and the Muhammed Ali personality.
Two, for the new fence in my backyard. I no longer have to worry about coyotes possibly figuring out that the old fence could be pushed over if tried (thanks to the hurricanes) to get to my dogs.
For my daughters. Always my daughters.
In case I don't comment tomorrow, Happy Thanksgiving to all celebrating it!
Yes, yes, yes to accepting it. That is the way we help it move on through. Resistance just makes it stay longer!
Sending you love on this big "first" after the loss of your DH.
@JD, I absolutely love your description of your six-year-old. I feel like it could be applied to my seven-year-old. She certainly can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. In a tutu. 🙂
@JD, I add my good thoughts on this first Thanksgiving after losing your DH. And, like @kristin @ going country, I'm still chuckling over your description of the six-year-old.
@JD, lovely comment, particularly the 6 year old description. I'm thankful for the opportunity to get to know you a little bit and that you have your daughters to ease you through this next first experience. I think you are very brave.
Life rarely looks like I envisioned it would. Both my parents passed away many years ago. My husband and I have both lost siblings to cancer. My children as well as my nieces and nephews are scattered throughout the world. The younger generation has paired-up and now have to balance in-law obligations too. The huge Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations of the past are no longer a part of my life. This year there will just be four of us. This makes me sad.
I miss my parents. I miss my sisters. I miss my children. I miss my nieces, nephews, and cousins. Although my spouse is still by my side, I am trying to find a new way forward and find joy in small. As @mbmom11 eloquently said, “the gaps at the Thanksgiving table will be hard. But I will try to focus on who’s there.” I will also try to remember how fortunate I have been to have experienced the love that I have.
Wishing all of you peace and love. Thank you for always being here in this beautiful corner of the internet.
This is such a good point; that even if there is no tragic loss, the passage of time means that holidays change, and there's a certain grief that comes along with that too.
@Bee,
We never ever stop missing those we love but hopefully you can do a ZOOM meeting or chat on video on your phones. It's not nothing. We have actually live streamed some holidays with friends and families and it can be a truly fun thing with so many surprises.
The price of love is the freedom we give to those we love, to live their lives as they choose.
It comes at a cost, but would we choose to NOT have people that we love enough to miss? I think not.
Sometimes we must be very creative in how we find ways to still connect when there is physical/geographic distance between us. But that pales in comparison when, even if you are physically present, there is emotional distance between ourselves and others for whom we care and love.
So though the miles separate, remind yourself that your soul connections are there and so many miss that because they never had it or lost it.
@Kristen, change is so hard, especially when if feels as if life is shrinking. I wonder if we are all bent toward thinking that the best times are "normal" and then feel ripped off when "normal" doesn't last. I wonder how we can learn to recognize that "normal" is actually special, and I wonder how to learn to accept the transitory nature of life without feeling disappointed.
To apply all this wondering to myself, I used to have local parents, a local sister with husband and children, and local in-laws, sometimes with too many options for holidays. Now it is just Husband and me, so rather than feel ripped off, I want to appreciate the peace and lack of obligation. (eyes squinched shut, teeth gritted, try harder, focus, be thankful, notice, appreciate. . . this too is transitory and one day I'll be alone and look back on this time with nostalgia.)
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, @Kristen, @Irena,
Change is the one constant in life. You do mourn for what can’t be, but the key I suppose is finding joy in what is.
Jana, you did hit the nail on the head when you said that you feel that life is shrinking. However, we are going to try different things this year. Our town is having a Turkey Trot on Thursday morning. The entrance fee is food for the emergency assistance ministry. I could not participate when we were expecting 28 for dinner. We also plan to travel to St. Augustine after our Thanksgiving lunch to enjoy The Night of Lights. The whole city is decorated with thousands for holiday lights.
Maybe we start a new tradition.
Your writing is just so beautiful. My family is in a good place now, but we lost both my mom and 8 year old nephew within days of Thanksgiving (a few years apart thankfully) so this time of year can be heavy. Thank you for your insight and kindness.
Oh, that is a lot of hard to handle at the holidays. Sending you love as you navigate the mixture of joy and heartache.
Thank you for this beautiful post, Kristen. I feel fortunate to have started my day today with your thoughts, and I will carry them with me.
And you made me think- 39 years ago I headed to the hospital on Thanksgiving afternoon, when my water broke. Late that night my daughter entered the world. So, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you and the hard working doctors and nurses of the world. <3
Awww, that was a happy reason to be at the hospital!
I work on a general surgical floor, so my patients have less exciting reasons to spend a holiday in the hospital....bowel obstructions, fluid imbalances, surgery recovery, etc. So they probably need even more cheer than you did. 🙂
you will be a blessing to all of those in the hospital...and I'm sure they will be a blessing to you as well!
What everyone else has already said, Kristen: Thank you for your lovely writing and your bravely honest sharing! May your gift of giving (to your patients) on Thanksgiving be rewarded by peace in your heart, now and in the future.
Beautifully written post!
The older I get, the more difficult I find the holidays to be. I have good memories and bad memories, I've worked many holidays (in nursing homes) and spent several holidays in hospitals (kidney stones and broken bones don't care about holidays-ha!) I can honestly say working can be very gratifying.
I can also say, that while I don't miss a lot of people I used to spend the holidays with (most are dead now) and some of the traditions I was forced to participate in, there's such a societal expectation of happiness at this time of year that if you realize you're not experiencing said happiness in some form, there is definitely a feeling of fomo.
Beautifully said, Kristen!
I’m one of the many who are always rooting for you!
Much comfort to you.
You are such an inspiration to all who know you
Thank you for working on Thanksgiving - My HWP (husband with Parkinsons) has spent more time in the hospital than at home, since Nov 2, and is now in an acute rehab facility regaining strength from an extended bout with C-diff. Nurses and techs with positive attitudes and communication skills make all the difference. Am I getting to spend Thanksgiving the way I imagined, NO. However faith, prayers & daughters have made all the difference and hopefully next year will be better. May you and your girls feel love and strength through this season.
Aww, I am so glad that nurses and techs are easing the difficulties you guys are facing this holiday.
@Jennifer G, Oh, Jennifer, your poor husband (and you!). I had c.diff and it was so debilitating; I thought it would never end. My husband jokes that I didn't get better until they brought up having a fecal transplant. I hope your husband regains enough strength to go home soon and can enjoy some of the Thanksgiving foods he loves and could not enjoy when he feels better.
@Jennifer G, You've reminded me of my Least Favorite Thanksgiving, when my then-76-year-old mother was in a hospital in Sarasota, Florida having a quadruple bypass operation the week before Thanksgiving. I was living and working in Philadelphia at the time, with a brand new puppy who had not been fully vaccinated and could not be boarded. I paid my dog walker (a wonderful Englishwoman who was an absolute Dog Whisperer) to move into my apartment for a week so I could go down to Sarasota ASAP, but she couldn't stay on and after Thanksgiving day because of her own family obligations. So after I had spent the week in Florida, I got one of my sisters to go down to Florida to relieve me (and take care of our father) and I flew home Thanksgiving Day to take care of my puppy and ... just as I walked in the door, the phone rang and my sister told me my mother was back in the ICU. I remember just sitting on the floor and crying with a 10-week old puppy jumping up and down on me licking the tears off my face.
Mom made it through (with a pacemaker) and lasted another 12 years, but of course there were multiple ups and downs. But nothing quite as crazy as that Thanksgiving week.
Hugs!
Thank you for this. For so many years I got flak from people for being estranged from my parents (who also turned the entire extended family against me); people who are parents were horrified that I would "turn my back" on my parents, and some of my friends didn't understand what was going on. But it was really my mother's decision, I have reached out and been rebuffed, and so I do not have the happy extended family at Thanksgiving and Christmas that I see everywhere. Add to that the anniversary of my brother's death is right before Christmas and..well. It's taken years, but I'm at peace with it now. Tomorrow we will go see to the cats at the cat shelter, as we do every Thursday 'cause the kitties need to eat! And then cook a big dinner for the six of us and watch Star Trek VI. And I will be thankful for the family DH and I have made, and my DS#1's recovery, and so many other things.
Not to mention: there ARE people in this world that are so harmful, it does make sense to cut ties with them for your own sanity. So for someone else to judge that for you is unfair. Just because someone is related to you, it does not automatically follow that it's possible to have a healthy relationship with them.
But in your case, it's so entirely out of your hands, I don't understand why anyone would judge you.
I'm so glad your DS#1 is home and healthy!
@Kristen, I think some people judged out of a sense of defensiveness--they had difficult relationships with their own children, and didn't like the idea that a child could simply say to a parent, "When you are willing to treat me like an adult, I'll be glad to spend time with you. Until then, it's best we don't speak."
And I forgot to thank you for working at the hospital on Thanksgiving! As a teenager I ended up in the hospital over Christmas with difficult-to-diagnose appendicitis. I really disliked the nurses who kept saying "How horrible to be here on Christmas!" My goodness, that helped SO much. 😉 I'm sure your cheerful attitude will go a long way towards brightening your patients' day!
Such a beautiful post! Thank you, Kristen!
Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving!
It is a tough thing to learn that parents do have favorites and grandparents have favorites. I was never the favorite and my child is the least favorite grandchild on that side.
It's also tough when you think you should be starting all these fun traditions with two kids but you only have one living child who is now outgrowing many of the fun little kid things you were hoping to do with a pair.
Still, I am happy to at least be alive, 100% debt free and in my own nuclear family.
@Battra92,
There was favoritism in my dad's family of origin, and my father sure wasn't the favorite. Neither were my siblings and I as grandchildren. One thing that helps me now is I try to remember how much the person choosing favorites is losing/has lost by doing so.
Blessings for you three this holiday season as you go through them remembering your own loss.
@JD, Thanks for the holiday wishes and the same to you and yours.
I do try and treat my niece and nephews fairly equally although there is one who is "Mama's favorite" and he's not all that nice to his cousin nor to us so I admit that I don't worry about him as much as I worry about the other kids.
@Battra92,
I totally agree with how tough it is that parents play favorites. I'm definitely the least favorite to my mom (my dad has been gone for 26 years, and he never appeared to have a favorite....probably because he wasn't really that engaged as a dad in general). My best friend pointed out this past summer that my three sisters have not been supportive, either - not acknowledging the difference in how she treats me vs them, not lending a listening ear, or denying the truth if I can get one of them to talk about it. I'm working with a therapist, which has been a big help.
@Battra92, i am so sorry your daughter is growing up so fast. my daughter is now a teen with such a great personality and sense of humor. i cherish her as much as when she was young. i was the black sheep of my family and i married a black sheep. when m-i-l needs something, she always calls on us. otherwise we are held at arms length. but to over use a phrase it is what it is.
Words of wisdom, in this post.I would never envy anyone that Hallmark family holiday. There were years we had it. But now, as elders, a lot of family has passed away,moved away, or some of the younger ones are simply not interested. Ah, that is the circle of life.
As my husband and I find ourselves living far from family, we stay open to “the moment” for holidays.Sometimes we plan a trip. A cruise one Christmas was soo festive and fun!
thanksgiving in Puerto Vallarta was another adventure.
Years when I worked as a Nurse, after nmy son was grown up, sometimes I would volunteer to work a holiday so moms with young kids could have the day off.
In our younger years we belonged to a Vintage car club that had great pot lucks every thanksgiving combined with our own personal car show.But those folks have all mostly moved away,retired,gotten into RV lifestyles..THOSE were very festive holidays!!
Lesson for me: LIVE IN THE MOMENT.. The wheel of life turns, and as you mention, it often does not look like we imagined.. but it can be something else that is wonderful..
trying to keep things “the same” for decades. is not usually how things work these days..soo..
This year there are 3 of us, our grown son is here, and we will go out to a nice restaurant then on a hike, then a movie. And I do have memories of and moments of missing those raucous family meals when so many aunties cousins and grandparents were still close by… but THIS year is good.. and . Who knows what next year will bring? We can make it what we want.
Sending love and hugs to all who are sad or lonely. I pray that others open their homes to those in need, and that everyone has a friend to hang with.. if not family.
Happy thanksgiving to this kind and wonderful tribe who read this blog with me!!
This is among your best columns, EVER. Why? Because you honestly, respectfully and compassionately acknowledge the challenges faced by many on holidays. As important, you remind others that we should not seek solace in thinking that others, themselves, are not also having challenges though it may appear otherwise. And reminding folks who are in much emotional pain, that wishing others less than well is no way to heal our own pain.
I, too, am happy where I am on holidays. I may be on my own, but I am not lonely. And that is a choice because it is way too easy to start thinking "But I wish it were." and "If only X, Y, or Z." When we bring expectations to how it should be or how we want it to be? Well, that only brings more pain, discomfort, sadness and the like.
I have spent many a year traveling to/fro on/over holidays to see loved ones. And I am greatful for those times. But things have changed due to my mobility issues (polite way of saying, stuck in a wheelchair, requiring help for just about everything these days and no 24/7 help available). I now celebrate in my own fashion, practicing self care and self love. Is it hard at times? Yes. I do many texts, emails and calls to wish others a Happy Thanksgiving but rarely do I get the text or email or call to wish me the same.
And, of course, no one ever asks "What are YOU doing?" because they know the answer and think it would be hurtful to do so, to remind me of my loss and also that they have not offered to do anything to change my circumstances.
I focus on what I can do on this day, on which daily gratitude practice is even more essential. Much in my life and others just plain sucks. That said, there is still much to be grateful for and I choose to focus on that and to create my own rituals. And, I remind myself, and not to be mean, but because people often say this to me: You are so lucky to not have to put up with a whole bunch of people that are challenging to be around.
I don't have to tiptoe around any conversations. I don't have to sit in silence listening to a family bigot go on and on. I don't have to pretend to want to watch football to get quality time with a loved one. (Smiling)
I get to eat what I want, when I want. I don't have through an airport, or sit in a car for hours in traffic or bad weather.
Now, it may seem like these are negative ways to enjoy my own-time, but they are not. I truly wish others did not have to endure such challenges to be with friends and family. And I wish only good things, as you do for others. I take no pleasure in anyone being in circumstances where being with people is often way more challenging than being on your own.
This post is a classic and should be repeated at every holiday.
Sometimes to get where we need to be, we will experience sadness and grieving, and sometimes where we are in a journey we chose still remains tough. But finding the joy in the present, no matter the circumstances, is something we can do, albeit with a bit of work.
I am grateful that we have the opportunity to share our thoughts here in response to Kristin's sharing. I am grateful for her honesty, because honesty, no matter how painful at times, is the only way through our pain and sadness.
"
Happy Thanksgiving to Kristin and all who share here, no matter how the day shows up.
Just one bit of listening to the news can humble us by reminding us of how much our larger family, that of the rest of the world, are experiencing. Our world is much bigger than just us and our family and friends, and every year at T-Day and Christmas, I make donations to various organizations to try, in some small way, to support healing, recovery and growth in different forms.
I wish peace for everyone, anyone, anywhere, everywhere. Because until everyone, everywhere can experience it, all of our lives are lessened. There is no joy in a prosperity at the expense of others. NONE. And a reminder, no matter what we think we know about others, we don't. EVRYONE lives with one kind of challenge or another, albeit some are unaware or do a great job of pretending. No human escapes the vagaries of life in its many forms.
Thanksgiving is the perfect time to remember that "community" extends around the world. Not just a few blocks or miles where we live.
No football for me either! I think Zoe and I might watch Nightmare Before Christmas tho. 🙂
I'm glad you have found ways to feel peace at the holidays on your own. <3
@Irena, I'm with you on this: "This post is a classic and should be repeated at every holiday." I don't think that any syndicated advice columnist could have done better than Kristen's done on this one.
@Irena, For me, not spending time around challenging people is so freeing. I wish I had not spent so many years dealing with hyper-critical, demeaning and intolerant relatives for the sake of family togetherness.
@Irena, From one wheelchair user to another, I lift a glass of eggnog to you. Sometimes I have to work hard to be thankful for the years of great mobility I had, and all the things it allowed me to do that are now impossible. I am afraid I am not good at remembering the many ways I am blessed, and that many others around the world are not. Thanks for the reminder.
@Irena,
Your words, "I don’t have to sit in silence listening to a family bigot go on and on. I don’t have to pretend to want to watch football to get quality time with a loved one.," could have been written by me. I remember the Thanksgivings my Grandma tried to put on -- she pretty much knocked herself out for weeks and weeks trying to ensure everything would be perfect. Then, esp. after her eldest granddaughter married a red-faced hillbilly slob, things would be ruined. The hillbilly would yell, "I'm missing football," and run to the back bedroom where the TV was, turn it on real loud, and the men would follow him; that ended our family visits. My grandma was heartbroken. But even before that, her elder son was a real ignoramus and his political talk was horrendous. I can recall, as a 7 y.o., being scared to death by his loudly talking about nuclear war, and how Russia and Red China were going to kill us all, at the dinner table; nobody else could get a word in edgewise or tell him to shush; I had nightmares for weeks! As the youngest, I was shamed when my grandma would make me sit in a high chair long after I needed to, or put rugs down under my chair bc she claimed I always dropped my food. I did as a toddler, but after that, I didn't. And this embarrassment went on for years. Only to be repeated at Christmas (although we had some diversion there with the Santa Claus bit.) When I remember all that, I am extremely happy to have a quiet, if lonely, holiday.
@Bobi, AMEN! and ditto.
I too have a fractured extended family because of a boundary I had to set to save myself.
I do have an intact nuclear family but holidays for five just feel so weird for me. And off.
I like you try to accept and embrace. Some years are better than others. I cannot and will not go back so moving forward is what I will choose.
@Stephanie, Same situation here--growing up we used to have large family gatherings, and Christmas involved traveling or having guests...it's odd but healthier for us all.
So thankful for your words! It’s been 43 years too long for me. I’m proud of you for changing your life. You are an inspiration!
It is important, at trying and challenging times, to remember, that where we are today, is not where we will be tomorrow or the day after that, etc.
Our journeys do not always progress as we'd like in terms of timing and options.
It helps to remind ourselves of those other times in life where we faced tough times and found our way through. Confidence, real confidence in life, does not come from things working out as we hope or planned, but in how we muster our courage to move through what does show up and keep moving along despite the circumstances.
Yes, sometimes we will feel really, really bad. And as Kristin has done, we let ourselves really feel it. We don't waste time or energy trying to pretend we don't hurt. We hurt and then....we keep on moving, albeit more slowly and more painfully at times.
Kristin, it took courage to end your marriage and it takes courage and work to recreate a life you want. But you are doing an incredible job and no matter how you feel at times, do not forget the progress you have made.
I have the utmost respect for those individuals who recognize, albeit painfully, that they cannot in good conscience continue in a marriage or other relationship because it is detrimental to their health (physical, emotional) and well-being. So many choose to stay and at such a "cost" to their daily lives. I respect that too, because I must respect free will in all (although in some horrific circumstances, some individuals do not really have free will as it were).
You are a kind and loving individual, Kristin and that is who you will attract into your life. I have this feeling that your new profession will open up many doors in terms of friendships and relationships that may lead to new intimate bonding/partnership/marriage. If that is what you choose. You deserve to be treated as well as you treat others. Never ever forget that and never settle for less. EVER.
I can say without a doubt, if I were unlucky enough to be a hospital patient on Thanksgiving (or any other day for that matter), I would be so very thankful to have you as my Nurse, or PCT!! I had an experience with a bad attitude RN a few years ago -- and it made a very stressful/unhappy situation that much worse.
Thank you for the beautiful photos and the honest words.You are handling things in a very admirable way, and your patients will be very grateful for your care.
When you look at the history of mankind and even the present state of the world you realize that advertising and media have fostered such unrealistic expectations. Unprecedented homelessness is a reality today because of natural disasters and economic conditions. A large percentage of homeless people are working one and sometimes two jobs and still can’t afford a place to live. If you drive by RV parks they are loaded to capacity not with vacationers but people living there in travel trailers. If in this beginning of winter you have a place to live and stay warm be thankful. If you are able to buy and prepare food be thankful. If your children have a coat and warm shoes, enough food to be comfortable and healthy, a place to sleep and not be afraid you are doing well. Reality is not a Hallmark movie or media designed advertising campaign and accepting that as normal only fosters discontent. So many people today are dealing with war torn, weather torn, and economic downturn that if you are not you are well ahead of the curve. Be happy. And if you can share with those who aren’t as fortunate as you don’t hesitate.
@Tiana,
Beautifully said! Thank you for those words of wisdom.
Thank you so much for this! My mom passed in Jan 2023 and for whatever reason, this year Thanksgiving and Christmas are harder on my heart than last year. My life is good otherwise - but this year, it just hurts more. Thamk you for acknowleding the pain that exists in a joyful season. You are going to be a blessing to all of your patients tomorrow.
Thank you for this.
Kristen,
You are so smart, sensible and thoughtful. What a beautiful column. I am grateful that you are a regular part of my life. I sense that there are a lot of your readers who feel the same way.
I am 87 years old, but that number feels like a joke. I have six daughters, 3 of whom will be here for Thanksgiving, and eight grands. I went to Bellevue Hospital School of Nursing and feel that a nursing education is wonderful. My husband, who was a physician, died eight years ago. I am busy with photography, gardening, knitting, cooking, my church, a great book club, and keeping up with my family.
I love your columns, following your progress on several fronts and your photographs. Today’s were special.
Best wishes!
Nancy Stewart
This is such a kind message for today.
Wishing you peace and love, Kristen! The holidays can be a wonderful time of year, but there are so many aspects that are hard, even if things are (mostly!) OK. I feel very lucky in many ways, but, like many, there are parts of my life that didn’t quite turn out as planned. But! We’re still here on this earth, and circumstances can always change. Like you, I am planning to go back to school for a graduate degree in a few months (I’ll be 42 - ekkk!). I actually haven’t told many people because I’d found people can get weird with big news like that (not sure if they just don’t understand, are jealous, or what?) I don’t know if you’ve experienced similar things with your situation.
I always love reading your blog. You’re a very thoughtful writer with a kindred spirit.
Thank you for the beautiful post.
What a beautiful post. Just did a difficult handoff with my son's ex-wife because he "gets" their daughter for Thanksgiving. And Christmas will be more tears. Life doesn't always go as we planned. And some days it feels like nothing is ever going to be good again. But we hold on to our faith in God, His goodness, and His healing. And we cherish the good times. If I had to be in the hospital you are just the caregiver I would want Kristen.
Blessings to those in the frugal girl community and special blessings to those hurting for one reason or another.
My life is most definitely not what I thought it would look like. Am I still incredibly blessed? Oh yes. One thing that I've learned over the last few years is that almost everyone that I meet - almost - has a story of loss, trauma, or sorrow. Sending hugs to you, Kristen! And Happy Thanksgiving!
You spoke directly to my heart this morning. Thank you,
I too will be spending Thanksgiving in a hospital room. I'm cheered that my dad is no longer in ICU, so even though it won't be what I hoped, it's so much better than some alternatives.
Thank you for being one of the angels who care for people like us!
My heart bursts with pride every time I read one of your reflective posts. What an amazing attitude to model for your adult daughters on how to handle grief, life’s disruptions, and unexpected cataclysmic changes.
May you have a code free, call bell light, and Hoyer lift free shift. I would be thrilled if my loved one had you for a caretaker.
Hehe, well, one advantage of working a night shift is that there's less Hoyer lifting going on because people are more likely to stay in bed!
@Kristen, I was so ill at one point that the insurance company paid for us to buy a Hoyer for our home; that machine was probably the only reason I was able to go home to my husband rather than a nursing home. I have not had to use it for about 10 years so when I see it, I am reminded how much better things are now. However, we have older neighbors all around and the Hoyer has visited several of their homes after a fall!
Love your sentiments and photos but I would like to add an important post script:
The way sunflowers "should" look:
https://ibb.co/MS9GPLy
How sunflowers look when they are the most valuable - according to those of us in the farmer's life:
https://ibb.co/gz9TLSZ
It is when we have survived the beating of the sun, the wind and the rain; after our glorious bodies have produced healthy seeds but then shrunk into scarred and shrunken memories of who we once were; yet we remain; memory keepers, the promise of the next's generations wealth, the reason life will renew itself again because we have have dared to both thrive and die to our old selves.
@Mary Ann, wow, did you teach creative writing? Beautifully put!
Kristen, I am thankful for you! Your thoughtful and kind words bring me peace and joy!
I needed to hear this today. Thanksgiving through Christmas is HARD for me, I lost my father December 7, 2007 and my mother November 26, 2018. Some years I do nothing at all but for some reason this year is different, I'm decorating my house and considering the meals I will cook for myself and most importantly how I will take care of myself through a less than storybook holiday(s)
Kristen, Your words, so thoughtful and full of wisdom (hard-earned) and most of all so kind. This post has made all of us reflect more deeply on what we have and what we don’t. And every one of us has some of both. It’s how we deal with it that matters.
You’ve shown us an excellent way to deal.
My life has followed a pretty much straight line. Married young, four children, both sides of our family happy and intact, big holiday celebrations. Family conflicts and tragedies happened to OTHER people, right? Except they don’t ONLY happen to “other people”. My college-degreed brother has committed white-collar crime and was caught; my parents spent a whole inheritance they had received in his legal fees and restitution. His problems seem to settle then bam, it happens again. My mother would give her life to save his butt, no jail time for the golden boy! I never say a word. I’ve learned not to.
Then, my older sister, sidekick, and best friend, had a series of strokes and ended up with vascular dementia and dying in 2016. I still have not dealt with this loss. I don’t think, at this point, that I ever really will.
My dad died in 2018.
My mom is 89 and doing ok but is now having some memory issues. She still lives alone, but is literally around the corner from us. I take her dinner every single night.
This is life. Highs, lows, but mainly mundane day day-to-day living. Until you have grandkids— then, jump back!! Everything changes. I lived for my kids and was a SAHM. But these grandkids— oh my goodness— there are no words.
My husband’s and my 50th anniversary is in June. We have had a normal, kid-focused, up and down life. Like the majority of people, I suspect.
At 53 I have had the hardest years of my life. I sent my daughter off to college, I have had a new cancer diagnosis. I am dealing with unhealed surgery wounds. I started a new career path as a school nurse. I have my last daughter leaving for college 2026. I am looking for a new church. I am lonely and in need of so much support, but have found none. My mom is having memory issues. I am sad and depressed and have no dreams or goals. Life has never been so hard. I believe and pray to God, but I know I have to do my part too and get connected. I would love the prayers. Thank you.
@Laurie,
Praying for you, Laurie!
@Laurie, Love and prayers on the way, via Priority Mail. There have been times when my only dreams and goals were just putting one foot in front of the other. Treasure this year and a half with your "last" daughter. As the youngest child in my family, I was blessed with a few years as the "only child" and cherished that time with my parents.
@Laurie, What a load you are carrying! I hope you find some peace this Thanksgiving and pat yourself on the back for still standing when so many challenges have come into your life.
@Laurie,
In my thoughts and prayers, Laurie. Wishing you peace and healing.
@Laurie, Praying for you! Hang in there!
@Laurie, praying for you, sending you hugs. are you an animal person? pets give us so much love.
@Laurie, Praying for you Laurie, and wishing I could hug you too.
@Laurie, I hope that tomorrow(s) are better for you. That’s a lot on your plate right now - but I wish better days ahead for you. One day (or hour) at time. Take care.
@Laurie, I'm late to comment but hope you see this and please know I'm not a medical professional but I've had some tough times and I understand a lot of what you're going through.
Prayers are fine, but your lack of dreams and goals is a red flag that you may need to talk to a professional. Cancer treatment centers usually have some mental health components available and I would urge you to ask about them. Also, if your mom is having memory issues, I urge you to reach out for help as soon as possible and find a group for caregivers. I waited way too long to seek help and prioritize myself and I paid the price.
Here's an online place to start: https://www.alz.org/help-support/community/support-groups
Best of luck to you!
@Bobi, Thank you for your kind post. I have been in counseling for the last year and it has been very helpful. I also just attended my first Alzheimer’s support group meeting which was phenomenal. I plan on going every month. The really sad thing is that she is in denial that there is anything wrong. We have an amazing medical center here that would benefit her so much. But because her MRI was normal she thinks she is fine. We are waiting on the neurological cognitive exam to see how that comes out.
Such a poignant post. Thank you for giving us a space to encourage those around us (me included) who are holding tight until another family holiday passes. I choose to work on holidays to give my nursing team with families a chance to be together. I was once one of those nurses who had a young family and big celebrations.
I have been both a patient's family who celebrates in the hospital and a hospital worker who shares a kind word, a cup of something warm, a special balloon. I work in ICU, so it's the sickest of the sick whom I care for and are often alone.
Today I will work outside in the beautiful sunshine, wearing my new-to-me insulated coveralls (it's 34F). Set up the winter bird water station, put out fresh suet and continue the winterizing duties on the farm. The pup, who snuck into my bedroom to pile on the bed with 3 kitties. If this is going to be a nightly thing, I'll have to put an old quilt on my bed! Her joy was so evident this morning when we were doing chores. Extra "roo roos".
I am fixing fried chicken for dinner as I gave away my turkey to a family in need at church. Fixing my mom's favorite things. Her memory is slipping so fast, but we embrace this life with thankful hearts. My cousin's family is staying with her while I'm at work.
Well said, Kristin @ going country!
I have been invited to stay in a very fancy apartment next to the hospital, what a gift! My commute is 90+ minutes each way and I am working thru Saturday.
Stay safe and be well this Thanksgiving.
Thanks for sharing and I agree with every word. From a person who has been divorced and remarried for 35 years I do t think you ever let go of what could have been but it doesn’t mean you are not happy and there will be brighter days ahead you can count on it, Hugs to you
As usual, a wonderful entry, Kristen. Happy Thanksgiving to you and all the folks who interact here.
Thank you for your beautiful, heartfelt words. I am in a similarly sad situation, and of all the holidays, I think Thanksgiving is the worse. I used to accept invitations to friends' Thanksgiving dinners, but despite all their generous hospitality and sincere caring, I felt like I was an outsider, just an observer, rather than part of the group. Plastering a smile on my face and putting on my happy act, I still felt very lonely in the midst of all those nice folks: I'd be introduced to new people and some time during the visit, they'd say "we'll have to get together some time." And then when I never heard from them again (and I never, ever did),the memory of that felt like a knife being twisted in my heart. Of course, they meant well. They were/are nice people. But the busy-ness of life gets in the way and it's all soon forgotten. So after a few years of that, I started just staying home for Thanksgiving. It wasn't so bad when the stores were open; then I could go shop (usually didn't buy anything, but it was fun to look.) Now, it's like Christmas: everything is closed. I have no one to come over and celebrate with, although a couple of years, some friends and I went to a restaurant and that made for a jolly Thanksgiving meal and a good day. They now have other invitations. I used to belong to a church and a lady from that church called (at the last minute) and happily proclaimed, "we're bringing you a turkey and all the trimmings for your Thanksgiving!" I told her, "No, you're not!" and refused it. That was the year my then-roommate went to her sister's; I was not invited but was thrilled to have her out of the house for the entire day. My oven was/is broken no way to cook a turkey, and I had no one to invite. It was just me and the dog. (This year, I don't even have the dog bc she was extremely sick and I had to have her euthanized this Monday. Boy, my house is way too quiet right now. How I long to hear her toenails tapping on the tile floor as she walks her laps between the kitchen and den!) Anyway, even though they meant well, that church just didn't "get" me, or understand what singles go through; I have since moved my membership elsewhere. Meanwhile, our store will be closed Thanksgiving; otherwise, I'd happily work a double shift on Thursday. So, not being a football fan, I will probably just read a book. One thing I'm looking forward to: the ABC network is going to show the original Mary Poppins movie on its 60th anniversary, and that was my favorite movie when I was 9 years old and it first came out. I'm working tonight (Wednesday) but I hope to make it home for the start of their special about the making of that movie. Anyway, I don't mean to be Debbie Downer, and I wish all of you a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I want to say getting to read all your comments every day gives me a sense of belonging to a community. I feel like we are friends even though I have never met any of you, and I am thankful for this blog and for the Commentariat!
@Fru-gal Lisa, You are not alone. I don't think you know how loved you are by this community, and how much we look forward to reading your posts. You are not a Debbie Downer. You are a Lisa Upper and a beloved friend who brings fun and joy and great good humor to all of us. I confess sometimes I just skim through the comments to find your posts, and only then go back to the beginning to see what everyone else had to say, ;-} We're very thankful for you!
@Fru-gal Lisa, P.S. I have never lasted more than 3 weeks between dogs. I hope when you're ready you find your next one.
@JDinNM,
Aw, shucks! You just made my day! Thank you very much.
@Fru-gal Lisa, i was ten when mary poppins came out. my grandmother took me. i was 13 when she passed and i still miss her so much. the right dog will come into your life when the time is right. i promise you. sending you love and hugs.
@Fru-gal Lisa, I too enjoy your posts. Thanksgiving, and Christmas for that matter, are just “days” but are for some super charged with expectations. But life goes on, people have to work (bless their hearts) and time and traditions change for many reasons. I hope you find another beloved pet to love. Our beloved cat passed last April and I still miss him. Companion animals are just that - companionship.
@JDinNM,
Ditto!
@st,
A ♥ to you, Lisa.
Thank you for sharing your heart, Kristen. Your eloquent words will help more people than you know. And you may think that working will be of help to the patients you have, and it will, but it will be for you.
My experience with grief is that if we do not take time to grieve and accept it, it will manifest itself in different ways, either in unhealthy attitudes or illness.
I am also working tomorrow night. Usually the souls sleep well after the turkey, and opportunities to be with their families. It is a blessing to care for them.
Thank you for your thoughtful, caring, insightful words. I hear you, and I know exactly what you mean. I am thankful I am where I am in my life. Happy Thanksgiving y'all!
you are making a beautiful and meaningful life for yourself.
your words are always thoughtful and thought-provoking.
you are an inspiration.
This is the most touching post I have read. In the past for many years I was in the same situation as you and felt exactly the same. I am happy to say things got better and better in my life but it did take a long time. I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving xxxx
I have five siblings. Due to distance, both physical and emotional, I won't be seeing any of them for Thanksgiving (yes, the local-ish ones were invited, well in advance. It seems we all have busy lives/extended families.) This makes me sad, so I took action. Some good friends will be in town, so they and their daughter and her new husband will be joining us. They love to cook, and they're coming a couple hours early. Two of my husband's family will join us a little later. That brings the total to eight at our table. I am so busy with preparations that it takes the edge off. I am very much looking forward to tomorrow.
Favorite family story: It was my aunt's turn to host our huge family. My younger brother invited one of his friends and his mom. He did so because he thought "two was too lonely" for Thanksgiving. Problem was, he didn't remember to ask or tell my aunt until he got there. What's two more when you're already serving twenty? When I call my aunt later today, we will laugh about this story yet again.
Don't be afraid to invite someone new to your table. Conversely, accept if someone else asks.
You are free to fulfill your dreams. 🙂 I am sure others here would agree you picked the perfect profession & passion!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Looking forward to giving you an IRL hug!
Funny how we see things from an outside perspective. I have an 'intact' family (hubby , 2 kids), yet when I read about you and Zoe spending time together eating pizza and watching TV I get envious because I feel like you have that great relationship with your daughters and I don't. My 14 yo is a good person but troubled teen and the relationship is very difficult between us. She ran away 2 days ago (she's ok now, staying at a friend's house at the moment) and I just wish we could have the same type of relationship that you seem to have with your daughter(s). I feel like I am failing as a mom. So, to me, your family is still a family, even without a partner/husband, because you keep this close relationship with your girl(s). I hope you feel better soon!
@Isa, Your situation is common. If you recall reading "Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl," she also had a contentious relationship with her mom. (Made all the worse bc they were in close quarters in their Secret Annex, hiding from the Nazis who wanted them dead -- what a stressful situation that would've been!) I read a psychology book and it said some of the adolescent rebellion is actually an internal, emotional thing as the teen is mentally preparing to leave the nest in a few years. Bottom line: you are not failing and this, too, shall pass.
Well, I am GRATEFUL you are YOU!
I needed to read this today, thank you! Sending a hug back at you!
Thank you for this.
you will definitely have happy plot twists in the future. i guarantee it. today at the dentist i needed a tooth pulled and a cavity filled. but i still have my old denture with a temp tooth where the hole was. even though it is not thankful thurs. i am grateful to not have a hole at my mother in law's thanksgiving table.
Such a lovely post. Thank you so much.
Love this: “I don’t want to disparage someone else’s genuine happiness to concoct a salve for my own sadness.”
What a beautiful message. Thank you for sharing!
Blessings to you and yours this holiday season!
Thank-you for such a thoughtful, caring post. I needed this. This will be the first Thanksgiving after the loss of my oldest son. Life will never be the same but does move forward. Someone told me, we don't go through grief but grow through grief.
Ugh, Hallmark movies, they do not imitate life all that much. And give some a sense of false hope.
I'm a firm believer in karma, things happen for a reason. But one has to accept that you may never know the reason.
You have a beautiful gift of sharing your feeling’s and life journey in a positive way. Thank you for creating a reflective space. Happy Thanksgiving from the southern hemisphere.
Feelings
“ I always say that if there’s a sore spot in your heart, a holiday presses on that sore spot, and it hurts more than usual.”.
This really struck a nerve with me because I thought I was alone in feeling this. Thank you for sharing this yesterday. I am in a better place just not where I thought I would be at my age. I’m going to read all the comments by the commentariat now and I know that we all care for each other and our dear Kristen.
Be gentle with ourselves.
With love and care to all,
Vickymac
I am commenting two days late because of a very full Thanksgiving week filled with the joy of family, especially tiny grandsons. But there is always the sadness of those empty places at the table, those who have passed on. I am thankful, Kristen, for the gracious way you share your tender heart here on this open forum. Reading through the comments shows the richness of what you do here. Belated happy Thanksgiving to all!
Somehow I missed this on Wednesday but am so glad I just found it as I was going through my email. Your post is perfect - I agree with you about being happy for everyone having a very happy holiday with people they love, but I also feel gut punches if I look too long at my friends posting on social media. (I took Thanksgiving off looking at social media.)
I can relate to everything you said in your disclaimer. Thanks for always sharing your heart.
I'm so glad you found it at just the right time!