Q&A | focus, blogging for money, and prepping for a split
Today we have three mostly random questions. Let's go!
How do you stay focused when your life feels overwhelmed with financial and parenting issues? Everything I do seems to make matters worse. I feel I will never get rid of my credit card debt and I am so disappointed in myself that I let the balances get so high. I would like to retire in 6 years but that does not seem possible.
-D
I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling super discouraged. Since I don't know any details about your financial situation, I can't give you any specific ideas about how not to keep making things worse, but I can try to answer the focus question.
If I were in your shoes, I would focus more on the process and on good habits, rather than on the ultimate goal of being free of credit card debt. Daily habits are manageable and not nearly so overwhelming as looking at a pile of debt!
And if you keep repeating good habits day after day, odds are good that your credit card debt will start to decrease.
I'd also try to figure out the "why" of how I got into the credit card debt to start with, and think of ways to address that problem.
I understand the feeling of things being outside of your control, and it IS usually true that some things are actually, factually out of our control. In these circumstances, I try really hard to focus on what I can control. I ask myself, "What can I do?"
Usually, even in very trying circumstances, there's something I can do, even if it's just as small as taking some deep breaths to regulate myself.
I also think that while you are working to get out of debt, it's helpful to have a kind attitude toward yourself. Few of us humans are motivated by shame, and that includes shame we heap on ourselves.
Again, this kind of comes back to asking yourself what you can do. We cannot change our pasts, but we can focus on what we do now.
I often thought about this over the last few years; I would make different choices about staying in my marriage if I could go back (meaning that I would not have stayed for nearly so long).
I could beat myself up for that, or I can say, "Ok. In the past, I did the best I could with the information and beliefs I had at that point. I can't change those old decisions, but I can give grace to my past self and also focus on making a new life for myself now, armed with the new information that I have."
So, I am sending you a virtual hug, and some encouragement to give yourself grace. I think that might help you to have some freedom and mental breathing space to try to implement some new financial changes.
One other thing: I would make very small goals, and then I'd celebrate the heck out of it when I met those goals. If you do that, you might find that you have more little sparks of motivation than you think you do!
Did you ever think when you began this blog that you would be making a living with it?
-JEG
I really did not! I started it mainly as a passion project, and to help hold myself accountable about food waste.
Oddly, I think that's the best way to grow something sustainable; online gigs often take a while to gather some steam and produce income, and if you are doing it with the main goal of earning money, it's easy to burn out.
But I was having fun and writing about something that holds my undying interest, so it was not at all hard to maintain momentum in the years when my blog earned something like $100/month.
Now it has been quite a few years since those $100 months, but I am still having fun writing here.
And I will never get over my gratefulness for:
- how this blog eased my way out of my marriage
- how it is allowing me to support myself while I get my R.N.
I wondered if you had any advice for finances related to married ppl who are thinking of being solo OR solo financially due to some issues with having connected credit with spouse who is irresponsible with money.
I notice you reference credit cards and earning credits sometimes. I just wondered if there were $ decisions you wish you had made, or oops moments you wish you hadn’t done.
I’m not sure where my path is going but I want to keep my options open and be financially smart.
-C
First up: I am not a lawyer and I am also not certified to give financial advice.
So, I am just speaking from personal experience here, and what I have learned from milling around in the divorce community of late.
As far as I understand it, in the United States, you generally have no financial protection in a split until the divorce is done.
All debt acquired during the marriage will be split, regardless of who incurred it, and all marital assets will eventually be split.
So, if you are married to someone who is digging a deep financial hole, you will, in all likelihood, be on the hook for half of all the debt that's incurred up until you are divorced.
(Mercifully for me, this was not an issue I had to navigate.)
As far as financial moves I feel good about:
- I had a way of earning money. I always had some kind of scaleable income over the whole course of my marriage. My thought at the time was that it would protect me in case of a spousal death, but as it turns out, it also was very handy when I decided to leave.
- I always knew exactly what was going on with the finances. I paid bills, had all the logins, did the tax returns, and so on. I was not in the dark, and I was well-equipped to handle finances on my own when I left.
- I got some credit cards in my name only during the separation period. One of our longest-standing credit cards had him as the primary and I knew once I was off that one, my credit score was going to go down a bit. So I figured it would be better to get a few cards established beforehand.
- I was good at knowing how to live on only a little. That's a super good skill to have when your financial life has a bit of an explosion.
I once wrote a sort of silly but actually profound post about just doing something, anything, that will make a difficult situation even a tiny bit better. At the time, I had many young children, we were all sick, my husband was out of town, my house was a wreck, and I felt like I was figuratively drowning. Then we ran out of clean spoons, and that just seemed like the last straw. It seems dramatic in retrospect, but it was a really stressful time. So, I decided that while I couldn't do much about a lot of the other things, I could wash some spoons. So I did, and it calmed me a bit.
I hope you find your spoons in your credit card situation, D, so you can feel some measure of calm and forge ahead. Good luck!
@kristin @ going country, this is actually pretty awesome. I need to find some spoons today.
@kristin @ going country, this is a new mantra. Today it was go load the dishwasher. Small things can be uplifting….
@kristin @ going country, Sometimes when it feels like everything's out of control I go and clean out a kitchen cabinet. Or blitz the bathroom. Scrubbing the tub ends up being very cathartic, somehow.
@kristin @ going country, Like!
@kristin @ going country, it's like that saying that I love so much - Action is the antidote to anxiety. Just do a little something and you will feel better. It *might* be the catalyst for more but even if it isn't, you're in control of that one thing and there's power in that.
@kristin @ going country, you are so right! In our house it sounds like “just do the next right thing” whatever that is… wash spoons, send ONE email, or just go outside for some sunshine to reset. Every day “ the right thing” is different but doing JUST the next right thing takes some serious mental load off but pushes you in a better direction.
I just love this community. <3
@kristin @ going country, Yes! My house gets awfully clean when other parts of my life feel out of control!
@kristin @ going country, That is so very true. Do you know about Spoon Theory? It's kinda funny (but very much not) that you literally ran out of spoons.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory
@WilliamB,
Yes! I have heard (read) the term "not having enough spoons to do [xyz]" used in other online forums. Thank you for that link!
I HATE spoon theory. Hate it.
Oh, interesting. Why so?
@WilliamB, I had never heard of that, but it is funny.
As always, Kristen's advice is excellent. I would add a couple things.
In 2014 I was overwhelmed with parenting issues for both my kids (court, suicide threats, you name it), lack of money, divorce and trying to learn to live without my ex after 26 years, illness, trying to sell a house, and my mother had a stroke and tried to kill herself. I used to feel like the stress was increased gravity from a larger planet, like there were forces pushing my head down into the ground. Sometimes I think I dealt with stress better then than I do now, but then sometimes I think many years of the same have worn me down.
I sought out help from others. My friends helped me so much. I was completely honest with them about what I was going through.
I tried to walk my dogs every day.
I didn't focus on past mistakes. We all make mistakes. Most of us are trying our best most of the time. If things turn out poorly sometimes, that's life. The past is a sunk cost. It's over and done with and now we have to figure out a way forward as best we can.
As for finances:
Talk to a divorce lawyer about your options--usually the first consultation is free. You could also go to a financial advisor. Don't be embarrassed--they see this kind of stuff every day.
Oh, and I tried to laugh about things as much as I could. My sister and I shamed my mother when she was in the hospital after her overdose because if she died. my niece would never remember her grandmother. Mom promised not to try again and was highly offended when she was committed to a mental hospital for a month. "I said I wouldn't do it again and I always keep my word!"
Every week when I called her, I'd use a different word for "mental hospital." "Hi Mom, how's the laughing academy this week?" We'd both laugh and laugh.
I just remembered, though, that I did not visit her, in case you think it was all laughs. I drove to the hospital, which Mom said was straight out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and cried in the parking lot. I just couldn't do it. I could not get out of the car and see my mother in a mental ward.
It's similar these days when I go to see her in the nursing home--how is she going to be? Lucid? Crazy? She's dying of cancer. But now I force myself. I still joke about it as much as possible. If a loud bell goes off I'll say "Another one trying to escape!"
Anyway, hope this helps, hope knowing that others have gone through similar helps.
@Rose,
Sometimes laughter is the only thing that helps. Also be sure and take care of yourself.
@Rose,
Love your paragraph about the past being a "sunk cost", and that we're trying our best most of the time. I have lots of regrets about things I did or didn't do when I was younger, but lingering on those regrets is fruitless.
@Rose,
That is so impressive that you survived all that. My 86 yr old father is well into his Alzheimers journey and I agree that humor helps you get through the harder parts. Even with the steady loss of his memory, he is still quite funny. Recently, we were at a restaurant and talking about food choices. He looked at his wife and said, "How old am I now?" "86," she answered. He looked at his granddaughter and said, "Well, I guess peanut butter has been pretty good to me then!"
You really really need to understand the rules around money and marriage and money and divorce for your jurisdiction before you get married!!
I married a man with a very different view on saving and very different spending habits than me. It was a CONSTANT source of friction between us, and at one point, I turned to my mum, an accountant, for advice.
It was, to this day, the worst financial advice I have ever gotten!
Her advice, **based on another jurisdiction and another time**, was that I should let his spending go, leave that to him to fix, and concentrate on what I could do to shore up my own finances. So if he wanted to go blow his money on whatever, I would make sure that at least part of my salary was going towards retirement, savings, payments on the house, etc.
*insert very expensive facepalm here*
What I had not realized is that this sets you up to be penalized TWICE in the split: I owed half of his debts, but he was ALSO entitled to half of what I had squirrelled away.
I had to pay him close to 300 THOUSAND dollars to get out of our marriage. Let that sink in for a second. That’s more than the cost of an entire house in many areas. I will spend my life paying that off.
@Kate, Ugh, that is awful. I screwed up in 2015 when my ex (we were legally married until 2018) had a big tax bill. Our agreement was that he was going to pay our daughter's tuition at an expensive private college, so I agreed to file jointly with him, taking his tax liability down from about $60K to about $28K. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Guess whose tax refunds paid the 28K? Last year's refund finally finished paying off that debt.
@Kate, Oh. My. Gosh.
Oh my gracious!! I'm so sorry you got such erroneous advice.
That's exactly what I was trying to say in my answer; the only protection FOR your assets and FROM his debts comes after a divorce is done. I was not in this position because we did not have any debts aside from the mortgage, but sometimes I see women thinking they should stay for a while to save up a nest egg before they divorce, and they just don't realize half of that nest egg will be his.
I'm glad you were able to get out, but ooof, I am sorry it cost so much.
@Rose and Kate and Kristen,
OMG! Good grief!
You all have made me realize I should be happy to be single/never married!
@Fru-gal Lisa, I'm not sorry I married my ex, at all. I'm sorry he suddenly turned into another person.
Re divorce settlements: it's my understanding that in an uncontested divorce, partners can divvy up their money/debts in any way they choose. Guidelines may say, if the partners can't agree, this is the standard way of doing things, but it's not set in stone that everything will be cut in half. That's how I got my house--by telling my ex this was the hill I was gonna die on, literally, and we can spend a ton of money fighting about it, but I was gonna win in the end.
Yep; in mediation you can trade things (you keep the house, he gets retirement accounts). But the essential thing to know is that you should probably not count on being protected from debts a spouse incurs during the marriage, so legal consults are a good first step.
Oh, we didn't mediate. I didn't trust that. We both had lawyers and I said, "Here is a deal. You get X, I get Y. You pay for her college, I will refuse alimony and child support." Stuff like that. His really bad lawyer advised him to take the deal.
@Kate, This just blows me away, 300,000! I think it heroic that you got through that. I am afraid I would have been very angry with my mother for her poor advice.
@Lindsey, honestly, I kind of am. I try not to be, but I am not a saint.
@Rose, this really depends on your jurisdiction. In our case, the jurisdiction changed the laws in 2015, ironically enough, to make them more equitable. I’ll use the word wife in the paragraphs below because that’s the gender split the law was try8ng to address,
In short:
-Assets are looked at over the totality of the marriage — from the day you tied the know to the day you formally separated. Any debts and any savings from that point are counted. The idea was that if, for example, a wife stayed home with the kids while the husband was off building his law practice, that work of staying home should be counted equally — proceeds of the marriage.
-Importantly, in our jurisdiction, you cannot waive your right to that (for example, by not contesting the divorce). This was put in place to prevent undue influence and ideally protect the wife who stayed home from being pressured into giving that up in exchange for the husband agreeing to not contest.
-you also can’t waive your right to the marital home, and it becomes the marital home the day you get married (or live together three years, unmarried). They look at the value of the house on the day you married, the value of the house the day you split, and you divide that amount in half (one to each of you). This was put in place to prevent undue influence and ideally protect the wife who stayed home from being pressured into giving that up in exchange for the husband agreeing to not contest.
The sad consequence of the last one is that my not-so-new partner and I live apart because I won’t put myself at risk of losing my house (again) and he is not allowed, by law, to waive his right to the house.
@Kate,
There would be no "kind of" if it was me....I'd be furious. You're much kinder than I would be.
@Kate, again,
So, if I'm understanding this right: you both own your "marital home", but only you live there? (Sorry, I'm tired, and sometimes I need things explained to me like I'm a kindergartener. No offense to any kindergarteners.)
@Liz B., the example I gave is if one of you owned it beforehand.
So let's say you own a house worth 300,000 on the day you get married. The house you own now becomes the marital home. You get divorced eight years later, in the meantime the housing market has changed a lot and your house is now worth 900,000.
You don't both split 900,000 by two.
You take off 300,000 from the time that it was yours alone.
The housing portion of "proceeds of the marriage" are 600,000 (value of the house is now 900,000, so 900,000 minus 300,000).
You divide that 600,000 between the two of you. Never mind that that is all paper money -- it's a market valuation, not money in your pocket.
For me, I can't give financial or marital advice (or martial advice either as my phone keeps wanting to autocorrect) but I can say that the past year made me very discouraged in a lot of ways with losing my son, family drama and helping my daughter adjust at school and changing friends situation. I've tried to focus on what I can focus on and also be kind to others as best I can. I've been really trying to focus on letting myself out of my comfort zone to make the ladies of my house happier and finding my happiness in smaller things or just enjoying them being happy.
But therapy has also helped a little.
Aww, Battra. This: "letting myself out of my comfort zone to make the ladies of my house happier and finding my happiness in smaller things or just enjoying them being happy."
I love that you are focusing on giving love to your wife and your daughter, and to others in general. That's definitely an oft-used tool in my toolbox (along with therapy!)
@Battra92, Sending you big hugs and all the support I can from over here. These are all big things to deal with.
@Battra92, this is excellent. You have my best thoughts, always.
@Battra92, sending you all the love. What a year, that is such a heavy load. Your kindness to your ladies is something special.
@Battra92, You just sound so...nice, so kind.
@Battra92, An unbearable Year for you and I send you all good thoughts. I’ve missed your comments but understand that you had your hands full. Glad you’re back.
@Battra92,
You have had such a tough year. I love that you are finding small ways to be happy, especially in seeing you wife and daughter happy. Therapy can definitely help.
Giving yourself grace and setting small goals. Also take credit cards out of Amazon so you cannot easily click a button to purchase. You have to go get the card. Type it in. Etc. This slows down many impulse buys. In months where finances blow up due to car repairs or medical costs the first thing I do is take my credit card out of my Amazon account. Use cash at the grocery store helps too when trying to pay down credit cards. Cold hard old school cash in an envelope!
@Stephanie, My Amazon strategy is to put things on my Wish List. I then forget about them and whenever I pull that list up I ask myself "Whatever was I thinking?" and delete the whole thing.
@Stephanie, as I noted in several comments last year, I canceled my Amazon account altogether after my (or, rather, DH's) Amazon Prime Chase Visa card was canceled the minute I reported DH's death. That was 8+ months ago, and I can honestly say I've never missed it. Pull the plug on Jeff Bezos, folks. It can be done.
@A. Marie, Here, it can't be done. This area is too rural. Where am I going to get or ? And amazon sells a burner for my electric stove for $19, while in the local hardware store it's $45.
@Rose, same here. I, personally, have nothing bad to say about Amazon. I LOVE not driving all over town to buy small things, and I really love getting them the next day.
@Rose and @Anne, we may just have to agree to disagree on this one. As usual, everyone's circumstances and mileage vary. But for me, at my current stage of life in my medium-sized city, an Amazon-free life is working.
,
@A. Marie, It is harder up here in the far north. And the fact that Prime shipping works even here was a life saver when we lived in the most remote part of the state. I always try to find local but at least 50% of the time I end up putting more money in Jeff's pocket. Not without hating it.
@A. Marie, We cancelled our Amazon Prime account about a year and a half ago. A mix of trying to curb spending as well as trying to support local. I try my hardest not to shop at places like Walmart and Amazon in general (sometimes it works; sometimes it's my literal only option). I walked into a local kitchen goods store this past weekend and purchased a new brotform basket. Spent about $5 more than Amazon, but the woman behind the counter was the owner of the store. And this business meant more to her than it did to Jeff Bezos. Frugal? Not in the financial sense. I definitely could have gotten it cheaper elsewhere. But some parts of frugality can also mean supporting small businesses. Or being able to spend more for a purchase that matters.
We live in a medium-sized city, too. And what we don't have, a 45-minute drive will get us to a ton more amenities. We plan out those trips. Amazon, for us, takes a week to get here (Even with a Prime account, 2-day shipping no longer exists. Rural living at its finest).
@A. Marie, I live in a town which, with surrounding towns, has every kind of shop, pretty much. And I love that I know many of the owners and buy from them unless I need the big stores, not far away.
And yet this past Christmas was saved for me by Amazon. I became very ill, was flat in my back in the lead up months to Christmas. Couldn’t go out to shop. I did very well with online shopping between mainly Amazon and Target (toys).
I would have greeted my far-flung family, who travel miles to us for Christmas, with no gifts.
I gotta say, I wish people would stop mentioning Jeff Bezos. Amazon is a company. They employ lots of people.
Signed, Got sick of everyone telling me they didn't use Microsoft products when I worked there because Bill Gates didn't need the money.
@Erika JS, Bless you for still thinking of your family <3 You have a wonderful heart!!
@reese, thank you for saying that. My family members are my heart. I envy everyone who has their whole family nearby and not plane flights away.
@reese, It may not be frugal in the traditional sense, but in the long run, buying local whenever you can will help businesses in your town stay open so that if you need something ASAP, and not in a week, you can buy it from the locals. Assuming they stock it, of course.
It sounds really dumb, but when I was having really awful times in my life - I tried to look really nice. I took time (and I still do, even when I don't want to!) to at least clean myself up, do my makeup and hair, put on something nice, and leave the house looking pulled together. That way even if I was having an AWFUL DAY, I looked nice when I looked in the mirror LOL. Plus it was an incentive to not cry because I would mess up my makeup! It sounds so stupid, but looking back - even on terrible days - I DID look really nice!
Plus I made sure I didn't take my problems out on other people. Bad days make it easy to be an a-hole, or be snide, or be cross, or to take it out on certain people - but I learned to suck it up and not do that. It wasn't THEIR fault. So be NICE! No point making ruining someone else's day, and having them remember you poorly in the future!
@Michaela, oh my gosh, I LOVE this!
@CarolineRSA, A plaque at my hairdresser's says "Put on some lipstick, you'll feel better"
@Michaela, This is a FIVE STAR comment! So, so true.
@Michaela, I don't do make up or hair, but the thing that helps me is sometime to get a corner of my house looking nice. The big one is washing all dishes before bed. Waking up to a clean-ish kitchen is a game-changer.
@Jody S., you guys are all so good at doing something that improves things, like dressing nicely or cleaning. I eat chocolate and read a book set in Medieval times, which reminds me that it could be worse, I could be living without water and pooping in the back yard hole. (Then I moved to a dry cabin, meaning no water, no heat and no electricity...so I was living without water and pooping in a drafty outhouse at 40 below. When I needed to feel better, I resorted to rereading this book I have had since high school, on Catholic saints and the grisly ways they were put to death back then. At least if someone killed me it would not be by drawing and quartering.)
@Lindsey, Seriously. I don't want to clean when I feel bad. So I can manage to feel even worse? I don't get any sense of accomplishment out of cleaning, just resentfulness that I have to do it at all.
@Rose, Except during COVID when nobody could see your lipstick and it just smeared on your mask!
Maya Angelou once said, "Just because you are in pain, you don't have to be a pain." What you said is so true.
You can declare bankruptcy. It feels shameful to admit that sometimes we have dug ourselves a hole so deep we can't get out of it, but bankruptcy can be an option. I had huge medical bills for a child who needed mental health treatment -- my ex-husband had canceled the kids' medical insurance -- and bankruptcy was my only option. Declaring Chapter 7 was scary and shameful, but it enabled me to put aside enough money for the retainer for my divorce attorney and still feed my kids. It doesn't destroy your credit eternally; I've managed to buy and sell three houses, get mortgages, buy cars, have credit cards, and generally live my life. HOWEVER (and this is a big "however"), bankruptcy isn't a get-out-of-jail free card for irresponsible spending. I spent the next several years on a very tight budget by accounting for every penny I spent and spending only cash, since I still had student loan payments and two very tall and very hungry teenage sons to feed.
This is a good point, thank you. Also, credit consolidation services can be helpful; I'm just not at all an expert on them.
@Jean, D, C, et al,
One of my friends got saddled with mega-debt over a divorce, had huge bills from ex's credit cards, struggled to make the payments, and then the whole thing came crashing down around her. This was in the days of universal default (since outlawed), and her bank was late on one credit card (which they admitted was THEIR fault, not hers) and then all the cards socked it to her. Bankruptcy was her only option.
But it turned out to be a good thing: she felt like a huge load was taken off her shoulders, and within 3 months, she was getting offers for other credit cards. So apparently they didn't think she was that much of a credit risk.
A year or two later, she had qualified for a mortgage and bought herself a darling little cottage.
She's living happily ever after. On her own!
@Jean, Some businessmen who are considered quite successful have declared bankruptcy multiple times. Somehow it's OK for businessmen but not for individuals???
In any event, this may be an option and - all chorus here - get good financial advice first, including what happens to you and your ability to borrow (or maybe get a job) after the declaration.
I'm feeling stressed about money and this post really helped!
@Sophie in Denmark, Sending soothing thoughts your way.
@Heidi Louise, thank you!
I once took the Dale Carnegie Course, and it used his book "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living," which should be available at any library or used book store, as it is a classic. The gist of the book is to think of the absolute worst-case scenario in your situation, mentally/emotionally accept it, and then start doing whatever you can to avoid this from happening. Like Kristen said, it may just be little-bitty steps at first but those small steps will add up over time.
Dave Ramsey has a lot of good info about getting out of debt, including ditching the credit cards, and he says that if you are in a hole, stop digging. In other words, stop using the credit cards. Look on his website and there are books and podcasts and all sorts of stuff for you. His first book, "Financial Peace University," should also be in libraries and used bookstores. Many churches also offer FPU classes and it'd be worth your while to attend them.
Ramsey cautions that it no doubt took you a long time to get into this much debt, so don't be upset if it takes you awhile to dig out of debt.
Another good source of financial advice is Crown Ministries. They also have books and information available to help you.
Correction: Ramsey's first book is "Total Money Makeover."
Read that one first.
In the couple of years in which my best friend committed suicide, my mother was hitting the last stage of Alzheimer's and I was trying to get our son, who is on the autistic spectrum and has ADD, through high school, I got depressed. Like whoa! depressed. Our very wise family doctor put me on medication and also said, "No matter how you feel, put on a nice outfit and some lipstick. Looking nice will lift your mood." She knew what she was talking about and it did help. I might have always worn the same red sweater because my ability to make choices was not good at that time, but I looked smashing in it and seeing myself in the mirror was an instant lift.
My husband and I have struggled with debt at various times in our marriage. We realized around 2019 that we could pay off all our debts, the biggest of which being our mortgage, if we did two years of no silly spending: no new clothes, no eating out, no nothing not absolutely necessary. We managed it, except for the expense of a surprise invasion of roof rats in our attic, which are expensive to get rid of and added about a year of normal life plus rat payments. Our philosophy is you can stand pretty much anything in the way of belt tightening for a couple of years. It will get tiring and sometimes be not fun, but it beats all heck out of debt.
@Ruby, whoa, that was some load you were carrying. I'm glad that through frugal living and taking care of yourself, you're doing better now.
@Ruby, Oh wow, that was a load to bear, I'm glad it over. I agree that dressing up can help, although for me on some days it's changing from sleeping sweats to daytime sweats.
@Ruby, I love the lessons and the ending to your story.
@Ruby,
Holy cow, that was a heavy load you were carrying! But you made it through. I love your "no silly spending" approach.
I find that breaking a large undertaking down into small tasks or goals makes it feel manageable. This prevents me from being overwhelmed by the big picture. It is also important to track my progress. There are lots of tools for this - charts, graphs, apps, and spreadsheets.
Although I had read about how to accomplish goals using this approach, it was one of my sons who really taught me how to apply it. He hiked both the Appalachian Trail and the Pacific Crest Trail. Although he always had an end goal mind, he did not start everyday focused on the Canadian border. When he started off each morning, his focus was on what he needed to accomplish that day to reach his goal. Where did he need to hike to in order to camp or resupply. Sometimes he had to change his plan because something happened that was out of his control like an earthquake or an early snowstorm. Sometimes conditions were perfect and he could hike 40 miles. He always had his map in front of him and knew exactly where he was.
This process can be applied to so many other things in real life. If applying it to debt reduction, you might set a large goal of paying off a credit card with a $10000 balance. Your small goal may be to reduce this debt by $250 a month. Some months you can do more, some you can do less and some you are right on target. If you have created a visual of some sort, you can see what you’ve already accomplished and where you still need to go.
In my case, my focus right now is losing my Covid 20. My small goal is losing a pound per week. I have an app that I’m using that shows me that I already lost 3.5 pounds. Today to reach that goal, I’m going to go to the gym at 4 pm and I’m tracking my calorie consumption. I know that I still have 16.5 pounds to go. I also have my pre-covid jeans hanging on the back of the bathroom door.
@Bee, your approach reminds me of a title of a book: "A Long Obedience in the Same Direction". May you continue your long slow journey of weight loss on a steady path without any speed bumps or potholes!
@Bee, which app are you using?
@Molly F.C.,
I am using Livongo. I really like it.
I don't have anything to add to Kristen's advice (excellent, as always). But my heart goes out to all of you who are going through, or have gone through, divorces that are/were also financial nightmares. Virtual hugs (or fist bumps for Rose, since I know she isn't a hugger) to you all.
@A. Marie,
Thank you for saying this better than I would have so I just want to tack on a “what she said.”
I am in awe of the strength of Kristen, Rose, Ruby, you, and so many other commenters here.
Kristen, it sounds as if you are now officially unmarried. Is this so? I'm guessing that if you are, you haven't made a big announcement, because divorce isn't something to be celebrated or exalted over. Freedom, on the other hand, certainly is! Your virtual friends here are looking forward to seeing you kick off those final ties that bind.
@Central Calif. Artist Jana, I thought it was final in December because of all her dress up days. So maybe, yes. I hope so because the process itself it so stressful (I know only as the child of parents divorcing.)
I love "wash the spoons" Kristin. I think I'll borrow that phrase, too.
Such good advice here! I don't know that I can add to it, except to say that handling things a piece at a time is the way I get through them. My only other advice, for those who do so, is pray!
Thank you all for sharing your stories.
My Mom would say if we didn't feel good to get up, take a bath, and get dressed. This gave small feelings of accomplishment and prepared for the rest of the day.
Just a reminder to people with joint accounts: You have access to any account that has your name on it. If your partner won't share, go to the bank and get the statements so you know what is going on.
For D: I came out of my first marriage with credit card debt. And it felt astronomical (halfsies was mine, just as Kristen mentioned above). Since I had to open another bank account on my own, I did a balance transfer for the funds to a credit card with the new company, and got 0% interest for 12 months. I figured out what the most amount of money I could afford to put toward that credit card each month to maximize the 0% interest. And I came VERY close to paying it off. "What CAN I do"? Pay as much off as possible. Took me nearly a year and a half, but I did it. Can you think in tiny baby steps? See what 0% is better, and if you can get a lower interest rate after?
It wasn't until very recently that I began to address the "why am I charging so much to CCs?" Now that'll help prevent it from happening again (I'm the type that if I get bored, I shop for others to "help." But that doesn't help my financial sitch!).
Just wanted to add that different states have different laws regarding splitting marital assets and debts after divorce. Illinois for example does proportional splits, not 50/50.
Yes, the splits are not always equal; also there's often some horse-trading involved in divorce mediations...maybe one person keeps the house and the other keeps the retirement accounts, etc.
I think the main point is: you should not bank on being protected from debts a spouse incurred during a marriage, and given that information, it's good to seek legal counsel to figure out wise steps forward.
@Kristen, agreed, that’s a safe assumption and it’s so important to get advice. So much information swirling around, not all of it accurate or applicable.
Good advice, Kristen
It is both sad and painful to read how so many who have written here have only learned when it was too late the deep financial penalties that are involved when you are married and divorcing. There is no end of poor advice (even from paid advisors who are supposedly experts).
Let me add that much of what is written here about debts and savings in couples applies to those who have lived together for a very long time, albeit with variations based on state.
My brother took huge advantage of the wonderful woman who lived with him for 20+ years, bore and raised his child on the autism spectrum (and personally fought hard to get him all the help he needed and raised a remarkably kind and wonderful young man) and, over the years, paid off thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in his debt (don't even ask why...worse, she never kept records) and in the greatest perhaps mistake of her life, put his name on the deed to the house that she herself had purchased (WHY? Because she thought if she died, her son would always have a home. This is way before she found out what a horrible person my brother is and I am not ashamed to say it. If I could have had him arrested over the years for the many things he has done, I would have.)
I call her my sister in law but they are not married. However, she has found out that is no protection and is going through all kinds of hell that, had they been married, there would have been SOME degree of protection.
Each person in a marriage must put aside the "I love him/her and I trust them" mentality when it comes to financial planning. People die, People disappear, people leave. You have to be prepared and you cannot rely on the assumed good will of another. It's about being practical.
I would also say that even when you start dating, pay attention to how each other views and spends money. How they apply themselves to being financially independent before they sign on to a shared life. If you pay attention, you'll see behavior unless of course you are dating someone who is very good at hiding but there are ways to find out.
Example: A young (20 something) friend shared his history in dating the woman he ended up marrying. There were warning signs based on her spending habits and, notably, what she wanted him to spend on her (gifts, expensive ALL the time and lots of expensive dining out that he could not afford and went into debt to give her!).
I tactfully asked him to think about her choices and behavior. He pooh-poohed it. Flash forward, she got the baby she wanted from him (Pregnant after being married but it became clear that she only wanted him to support the child when she kicked him out and tried to deny him any access to his daughter. She has a financial stranglehold over him and basically he is working pretty much solely to support her (we won't get into her work history; suffice to say there were major issues I would never share publicly) . He is an emotional wreck and his only good luck is that he now lives with his parents and finally got a lawyer to get him at least a few hours each week with visitation (with extreme limits). He is perhaps one of the kindest, giving people, I know. Just like the woman with my brother. Unfortunately, they picked the wrong people to share their lives with.
As they say, plan for the worst case scenario.
It is important to focus on what you can do, and there is always something. I smiled a lot reading how come people clean, do laundry, etc. Yes, there is a degree of satisfaction and control that comes from things you can do while you do your best to keep breathing and cope with what is out of your control.
A big thank you to all the individuals who shared their stories here. It takes courage to speak the truth of situations. Your sharing will help many others avoid what you could not. I do hope that people will not beat themselves up about their past mistakes in judgment. LEARN from them and move on with greater wisdom. No one is perfect and everyone has done stuff they'd rather not think about.
One last thing, if you are in an abusive situation (and that means mentally/emotionally not just physically), do whatever you can to remove yourself. Give up the house, whatever, and GOOOO. There are resources. The woman my brother is still abusing (too long to explain how that has worked), who I consider my sister in law, is seriously ill and is getting worse due to things my brother is doing (and no, there is no legal recourse). She feels trapped (she has options but is afraid to take them and her family, who she has helped out in a zillion ways, does nothing to help her as they do not know about my brother's behavior because she was too ashamed to tell them.) and I fear she will be dead sooner than later because of her being so beaten down that she cannot act.
DOn't mean to scare people here but things escalate and the sooner you get out, the better (Pretty much think anyone who has been through it can tell you.) Women stay for the lifestyle, the income, the kids. Understandable, to a point. But in the end, bad actors only get away with stuff because no one calls them on it. As I tell my sister in law, look at all you've done in your life (amazing stuff). YOU DO have what it takes to get out of this. If you are homeless, you are still better off. I only wish I had a way to help her but do not. I will not comment on my brother beyond saying that I have tried, with no luck, over the years to get him to shape up and act responsibly towards her and their son. He is beyond egotistical and narcicisstic.
@Irena, No common-law marriage in your state? Damn.
My ex tells everyone I emotionally abused him to get people on his side. I was so, so mean to him when I found out he was cheating. ;_;
@Rose, he deserved it!!!
@Irena, The other thing is not to make the same mistake twice. People often have a tendency to date or marry the same sort of person they did the first time around. A dear friend married a woman who gambled them into bankruptcy, including forging his name on their paid off house so she could use the money for gambling. They divorced and he gradually rebuilt his financial life. He started dating a woman who loved gambling and always insisted on going to Vegas for their vacations, sometimes even going without him. They married, in spite of what he was seeing, and the exact same thing happened to him (although this time he had not paid off the house). He is now 79 and living a meager life; thank God for social security, which a spouse cannot take from you, and you are not allowed to touch it because you think you know the stock market and could make a killing with it.
I have seen it time and time again with (usually) women marrying abusive men. I have a hard time not doing my father's routine of reading horror stories about men who have killed their wives and saying, "Today they slap you, tomorrow they kill you." (My father had many versions but they were all basically saying that.) Usually I just use Maya Angelou's line that goes something like "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
@Kimberly, It still makes me laugh. He's probably started cheating on his affair partner, too.
@Irena,
I also know of a case where the couple lived together for 20+ years without a marriage license. She stayed home and was a full-time homemaker, thus enabling him to go into a high-paying, high-stress job, get promoted and make a huge salary. They always seemed to be the perfect couple, very happy with one another, even after all those years. She lived in his house on acreage in the country and didn't think twice about the fact the property and all the vehicles were in his name....until, that is, the evening he came home, said he'd fallen in love with a much younger girl....and kicked her out.
She got to keep her clothing and toiletries and that was about it. No car, no house, no dishes/cookware, no money, no work history -- and good luck on collecting on his Social Security.
@Fru-gal Lisa,
I am so sorry to hear this. Again, no matter the circumstances of sharing a life, individuals need to educate themselves on how to protect themselves financially. Too many individuals use the excuse of "I trust him/her." "Oh, I don't know about these things." and the like. The most vulnerable of course are those women who opt to stay home to raise (often home-schooling children as Kristen did and should be compensated for in her divorce procedings one hopes) the children and run the household. They should be paid the equivalent of what it would have cost to hire full-time nanny, cook, house cleaner and other service staff that the wife/partner performed FREE all those years.
What is really frightening is how many working women in good careers don't protect their assets. As one of the women wrote here, she not only had to pay half of the spouse's debts, but the AH got HALF of her money as well! (FYI: Not saying she didn't know what she was doing. In her case, laws dictated how that worked. But how many people in any kind of couple know the laws that apply where they live? Rich people hire people before a marriage and during because protecting themselves is paramount. Meanwhile everyday folk have a lot more at risk and more to lose.
One of the few stores with a positive outcome was many years ago when a very wealthy couple, he a prominent businessman, divorced. The wife and her terrific lawyer made the case that had his wife not helped his career by not working but staying home and entertaining associates, customers and others related to his business, he would not have attained his high position. Creating and maintaining the equivalent of a mansion; managing his household (in the manner of a paid for household manager as she functioned as for the equivalent of a wealthy couple) , managing his social life in the community and beyond, and the long list of things a female spouse does for a high-ranking exec (He was a CEO when he ditched her for one of his young staff! Insult to injury)
That's a rare situation. People think if they don't own much or nothing, they don't have anything to protect. Incorrect.
The other thing is to always, always, document what you have spent in terms of paying off debts for a spouse/partner from you income/assets and what you, again, personally have spent on a residence. Had my sister in law done this, she could have used that as a bargaining chip in negotiating to buy back his share of the house (which she cannot afford to do and he refuses to move out even though he regularly does not pay his share of the house and maintenance. And no, she has no legal way to get him to pay. She has nowhere else she can afford to move (her serious health issues prevent her from working full time and because the little money she gets from part-time work disqualifies her from medicaid...she's up a creek $ wise. She can't NOT work because she would have no money for food and her personal expenses and her share of house payments (electric, gas, water, mortgage). I told her just leave. It's not worth possibly hastening your death to allow him to live off her. Because if she left, he couldn't take care of himself, literally. Losing the house she basically bought and paid for many times over? Yes, it sucks big time. I keep telling her that somewhere in her area is someone in a big house who needs someone to help (physically with upkeep and possibly financially) who would welcome someone like her and her son to live in. She could offset her share of expenses by offering various aide services. My theory in life is you ask enough people, even strangers, you never know where help will show up. We have seen her family do nothing and her friends do not have physical space or they would take her in and they don't have the $ to sponsor her to purchase elsewhere. So yeah, she is stuck unless she enters a shelter which is NO good option given her health and her son's needs being on the autism spectrum.
Women with money who want to donate? Help set up organizations across the country to purchase and rent out spaces short or long-term for women in these situations where they have to get out and need financial help to get on their feet again. A part of me wants to write Mackenzie the ex-wife of Bezos, and ask for help. But my sister in law would be upset with me if I did so. She is ashamed of her situation and that is partly why she will not ask for help. Having to tell strangers about this, to her, is worse than living with the misery of my brother's behavior.
@Lindsey,
Well-said. Yes, pay attention. People generally show who they are. Not always (sociopaths and narcissists are good at lying and pretending but if you pay attention and really see how they act, they are unmasked.)
I am sorry for what your friend has experienced. One other thing men or women who end up in this situation is that they are people pleasers and givers. And they have a lot of trouble believing their loved ones are acting so irresponsibly. They make excuses and keep thinking they can change the behavior of these individuals. But we can't change anyone, let alone addicts, gamblers, and the like.
There's an interesting book that's called, "Women Who Love Psychopaths" and in it, the author points out that women who stay in these types of relationships long term actually have a LOT of amazing, pro-social skills. They forgive, believe the best, they're loyal and faithful, they're helpful...and these are all things that are wonderful in a relationship with a healthy person.
But in a relationship with an unhealthy person, those wonderful pro-social traits get exploited.
And to your last two sentences: Yes. Despite what so many voices in the evangelical world say, you actually cannot change your spouse by changing your behavior. The, "Respect your husband, and he will become a man of God." line is oft-repeated in evangelical circles, and I vehemently disagree with this line of thinking now.
I think it is up to individual state laws and even judges concerning debt between spouses. It is worth checking with a lawyer. In our city many lawyers offer a free consult. It is worth making a few phone calls.
@Nancy, Even with a good lawyer (if you can afford one, which most women of average means cannot and there are limits to pro bono availability), and a ruling in your favor, try collecting $ owed. Seriously.
It's akin to collecting child support. THere is no end to the "creativity" that these individuals who owe it go to hide money. And how relatively easy it is to do.
Meanwhile, spouses/partners who filed jointly for taxes, end up having to pay while the other one merrily lives a live with no desire to pay and so doesn't, leaving the "innocent" party to pay for their debts.
Funny how the IRS can find and harass the average person over relatively small amounts and take property and bank accounts, but cheats like, people who owe child support and people with enough money to hire others to hide it and big corporations who pay nothing...IRS doesn't bother them. Right, because it can make your life a living hell and leave you on the street and you can't afford to fight it even when you did not have the income that was being taxed.
The horror stories are out there, at all ends and across the socio-economic spectrum. I think of the old Michael Douglas-Kathleen Turner movie about a divorcing couple, THe War of the Roses. I've known people who watched that and said except for the ending, it was what they went through. (And some had horrible variations on the ending.)
I always remember this movie because I only saw it because it was showin IN FLIGHT on a flight to Florida. It wouldn't be shown now, but this was in the 80s I think.
You should have to literally take and pass courses on finances, and related topics before you are allowed to marry. To educated on the laws that apply to couples re owed taxes, ownership of property, rights, etc. It might make some people think twice. You should have to work to get married. Make it hard to marry and easier to divorce without expense but with paid-for ways to get a fair distribution of assets.
Granted there are individuals who take advantage of any law to lie and cheat to get some of the $$/property when they deserve nothing. But humans gonna be humans. But more equitable laws, especially as they apply to women, who usually come out of a divorce on the bad end.
I have some ideas for D:
1) I think the most important is to find a way to hold yourself "accountable" for the successes. Let's say that you really want Chick-Fil-A after class (ahem). Every day you don't do it, mark your calendar with a big green happy face. I think it's also important not to mark failures, so no frowny faces on days you do go to Chick-Fil-A.
2) If you don't have a budget already, it's time to get started. Michelle Singletary (see below) has good advice on how to do it, with supporting documentation such as recommended budgets or spreadsheets you can use. She also has a column on The Easy, No App Budget. She emphasizes that psychology is a big part of this and is very understanding about it.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2024/01/10/easy-budget-no-app/
3) Don't expect yourself to be perfect. If you're human and if you were "perfect" you would't need to make this change, right? You could build non-perfection into your system, such as allowing yourself a Chick-Fil-A once a month or after you've saved/not-spent a certain sum of money.
4) Try thinking of it in terms of money saved, not debt outstanding. Saving $100 feels a lot better than debt going from $95,00 to $94,900. Myself, I'd use a spreadsheet and turn the numbers into a graph but YMMV. Maybe base it on how much you've contributed to debt reduction.
5) If you can, figure out if you want to do a snowball or an avalanche (Sorry if you know this already.) A snowball is paying off the smallest debt first so you get the positive reinforcement of eliminating an entire debt. Avalanche is paying down the debt with the highest interest rate first, so you pay less overall. It's mathematically more efficient but doesn't give you that immediate positive reinforcement.
6) Try following Michelle Singletary, a syndicated personal finance author of "The Color of Money" column. I've been reading her columns for many years; she's down to earth, understanding, and very practical.
https://wfsites.websitecreatorprotool.com/michellesingletary/home.html
Here's a quick compilation of her advice for getting out of debt:
https://www.npr.org/2019/02/14/694669510/7-strategies-for-digging-out-of-debt
Best of luck! You've already done one of the hardest steps - recognizing and talking about the problem.
@WilliamB, LOVE THIS!!! Thank you for sharing 🙂
@WilliamB, Now I am wishing there was a Chick-Fil-A in this town. Or anyplace in Alaska, for that matter.
Just a thought on credit cards, since Kristen mentioned getting one in her own name during the separation period. Many years before my husband passed away, I read somewhere that every spouse who might not be the primary breadwinner should have at least one credit card in her own name alone.
As a friend discovered when her husband passed away suddenly, she could not continue to use the ones in her deceased husband’s name without a good bit of red tape. It was a huge stress for someone already in the throes of grief.
@Barbara, How do these companies even know when the spouse has died? I use my husband's card all the time and have even called the company to straighten out an error (I do the books in our house) and pretended to be him. I do have a low voice but I also made it raspy and no one questioned it. If he died before me I could just go on being him, as long as it was on line.
@Lindsey, maybe for a week or so immediately following death, but otherwise that would be fraud and the cc company could make life very difficult.
On a sort of related note- this morning I listened to a ChooseFI podcast from 2/12/24 (episode 476), in which a woman explains her experience of the financial aftermath of losing her husband suddenly and tragically. My takeaway- PLEASE make sure your beneficiaries are up to date, and that your spouse or next of kin has access to accounts in the event of your passing.
One thing I will always recommend is separate bank accounts. I know many people are against it and say that means you don't trust your spouse (but really who goes into marriage already not trusting? people and things change), but I know far too many people where their other half cleared out the bank account before leaving and they were absolutely screwed for a while.
As far as purchases go what helped me a lot was thinking in terms of work. I have to work x hours to pay for this, is it worth that? A lot of times it's not. That was also helpful on bad work days. Okay, working three hours means this bill is paid.
To quote the immortal Joan Rivers (I highly recommend the documentary about her):
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
I went through a deep depression many years ago. I felt like I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding housework. My friend (who lived far away, or she would have come to help!) advised me to try setting a timer for 5 minutes to do what I could or saying to myself, " I am going to do "just this"" (fold one basket of clothes, empty top rack of dishwasher, clean the bathroom sink, etc.) Then once I did that one thing / the 5 minutes, I could feel that I had accomplished SOMETHING that day. Usually that feeling propelled me to do a bit more, but if not, I at least felt that I had made a bit of progress. Even now, if I am a bit down, I give myself a pep talk and decide to do "just this". Hope it helps someone, because it is some of the wisest / best advice I have ever had.
@Cheryl 90,
I do something similar to motivate myself, but I call it the rule of 10. I just have to fold ten items of clothes (socks count as 2) or vacuum for ten minutes or sometimes I tell myself I have to be able to have completed ten tasks by the end of day (and things like getting up and brushing teeth each count as a task). It helps to give a sense of accomplishment and provides momentum.
@Cheryl 90, Yes. What is counted or measured becomes important.
I like this story: Run the dishwasher twice. A wise therapist guides a woman to do what she can.
https://www.quora.com/Has-a-therapist-ever-told-you-something-completely-unexpected/answer/Kate-Scott-6?ch=99&share=924eb0ff&srid=P2BN
Kristen, Your advice is always given in the most gracious and gentlest language. And yet, it’s very heartening and strong, too, a rock to hold onto. Such good conversations tier down from your points, and the respect you model is followed by this wonderful community. That this also provides you a good living is awesome.
Prepping for a split. I had ridden that horse before, and told myself that I'd never be that naive again. When I knew my marriage was going south, I visited a good attorney and told him that I needed to get my ducks in a row so that my son and I would be ready for the inevitable. He was very kind, and said I could keep him on retainer for $200 for as long as it would take. He gave me tips on those ducks as well as what to do ahead of time. I was ready when the time came. So - copy records, keep a journal, don't trust where you shouldn't.
I think other people have basically said this but I would reiterate: know the laws in your state. I live in California and here, you are not responsible for any debt your spouse incurs after your date of legal separation. When my ex and I began divorce proceedings, we agreed on the date we officially separated, so even though we were still legally married, we were no longer responsible for any debt or financial obligations the other entered into after that date.
The other advice I would offer: try to be as logical as possible, and try to avoid fear based decisions. At the time we split, I made more money than my ex, and we were splitting custody 50/50. I was worried he would ask for child support, so I waived any rights to his retirement. (We married very young, and we had no assets at that time. I was absolutely entitled to half his retirement.) But I let it go to ‘be nice’ and keep the peace. 10 years later, I deeply regret this. I can’t keep arrangements amenable with someone who is not invested in the same and now I know I would be so much better off if I had taken what I deserved.
Try to think long term and know your worth. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I wish you the best.
Any woman, married no kids/married with kids MUST be able to support herself and/or the kids. Don't live in fantasy land/kid yourself - sh&t happens. If I could not support myself and/or kids, I'd have never had kids - pure and simple. The ship sailed decades ago on relying on someone else to support you and/or kids. Those who think otherwise continue their crusade to make you think otherwise. I had first hand experience of the shot gun marriages/post birth marriages in and out of family. None were pretty.
One thing that I have been doing for the past few years: every month, I write down 1) what we earned, and 2) what we spent. This is surprisingly easy, since we rarely use anything but credit cards (which we pay off every month), our household bills are paid directly out of the bank, and I generally write just a few checks every month.
I also write a monthly report of "Frugal Hits & Misses" on my blog.
Both these things force me to see how we spent our money -- lets me plan for future months, and helps me hold off, if I'm considering something we could do without.
It also helps to say, "maybe I'll get X in the future." Invariably, when 'the future' actually happens -- I no longer want it!
I know this isn't the main focus of this post, but I wanted to point out a couple things in regards to debt and property during a divorce. I am a family law attorney practicing in Illinois, and this may absolutely be different in other states.
First, a divorcing couple is usually free to divide the debts and assets in any way they choose. This could be by filing an uncontested case or by negotiating a settlement after a divorce has been filed with the court.
Second, in Illinois, a judge has to divide debts and property equitably (if it gets to the point of a judge making decisions). This does not mean it has to be divided equally. This allows a judge to consider things like a spouse's economic circumstances and opportunities to acquire future assets and income. As another commenter mentioned, this is to account for some disparities when one spouse may have been a high wage earner and the other wasn't, or stayed home with children, or something else. The truth is it is not fair for a surgeon and a stay home parent (for example) to split debts.
Finally, a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement is a way to have some financial protection prior to a divorce. This is something that varies by state and a consultation with an attorney is absolutely necessary to see if it is right in certain circumstances.
Thank you for sharing your expert knowledge!
It does vary state by state from what I hear, which is why the most important advice is: don't make assumptions, and get a consult with a local attorney. 🙂
I don't know how you do what you do, but God bless you. I have hated every minute of the legal side of my divorce and I have often thought that I would hate to do this for a job. But I am very grateful that some people out there, like you, are willing to do it because you guys are so necessary.
@Kristen, my parents’ divorce took 4 years and my dad was so horrible that my mum’s lawyer quit family law and moved to conveyancing after the case closed. And my mum got no child support and had to pay his debts.
My goodness, that is terrible I am so sorry she had to go through that!
My suggestion
Try not to succumb to peer pressure--going out to dinner, movies, coffee, etc. Suggest a potluck--just drinks, appetizers, brunch, dinner, or desserts, so much choice; or a girls' movie night, cards or games, or book club. (A potluck gathering can be a longer night but much more relaxed.) Back to simplicity. Saves on babysitting fees. Dinner out right now is so expensive.
If there are children--take them out in nature, bring a picnic. Doesn't have to cost a lot.
One day at a time. Good luck.
Thank you for your honesties, Kirsten. A woman needs a little money of her own, which could grow in an emergency. Divorce is hard when it explodes your youthful hope and trust. Since I have been married 45 years and never divorced, I can only add encouragement to your attitude. I married late after seeing both my sisters endure very young marriages and awful divorces, and both were dependent on our parents for divorce, support, and child support. Mother had been unhappy about both marriages but shE had some money of her own, and she used it to help them.
Maybe I can add to your advice. Cultivate a mindset that is more grateful for what you have than wanting what you don’t. Use cash, not credit. Learn new skills (home repair, sewing, gardening, efficient deep cleaning, auto maintenance, power washing, etc.) and check out of dependent status. Life on one’s own really is better than life with an unsatisfactory significant other.
Your last sentence: 100% yes!