Monday Q&A | Tests for Homeschoolers, Blogging Questions, and SAHM Criticism
Every Monday, I answer a few of the questions that my readers send me. If you have a question you'd like me to answer in a future Q&A post, just leave me a comment here or email me (thefrugalgirl [at] gmail [dot] com) and put Q&A in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you!
I am truly fascinated by your homeschooling and am contemplating homeschooling my kids too, although I haven't yet gotten the confidence. Can you let me know if homeschooled kids are assessed with the same exams that other non-homeschoolers are assessed? I am based in Malaysia though, and we do have checkpoint exams for certain levels in a schoolgoer's life.
-Joyce
That varies state by state and probably even county by county. In my county, standardized testing is not required for homeschoolers, but it is offered.
When I was a kid, I took some Iowa Basic Skills Tests, the PSAT twice (the first time I was too young for my score to count for scholarships) and the SAT once.
I haven't chosen to do grade school standardized tests for my kids (I'm extremely confident that their education has been more than sufficient and that they aren't behind), but they will take the PSAT and SAT. The PSAT is good prep for the SAT, and the SAT is very helpful for college purposes.
1- When you started your blog, how did you get your name out there in order to have so many followers?
2- When you get a recipe or idea from someone else's blog and you share it on yours, how do you go about posting it on your blog? Do you ask the person you're borrowing it from if you can re-post it?
- Sarah Kate
#1-I wrote a little bit about growing my blog on my FAQ page, and I've written a few blogging advice posts (like 10 Blogging Tips) and those should answer your first question.
Growing a blog takes patience, so don't become discouraged if your blog isn't huge in a few months. And don't compare yourself to others. I've been doing this for 3 years now, and there are many, many blogs that are more popular than mine. I could let that discourage me, but it's much more fruitful for me to just keep on with the steady plodding, doing my thing. 🙂
#2-I should add this to my FAQ, because it comes up a lot. Here's the skinny:
-Recipe ingredients are not copyrighted, but directions are, so write those in your own words.
-Photos usually are copyrighted, so ask permission before using those.
-It's polite to give credit to a blogger for an idea, even if it's not required. Spread the love!
I have a question regarding being a SAHM/SAHW (stay-at-home mom/wife). The majority of women who stay at home that I know are either religious and/or grew up in SAHM family culture, if you will. Do you have any encouragement or advice for women who would like to stay at home but aren't religious and don't have the support of their families or communities? My entire family disapproves of staying at home, as does the family of my fiance. Their values seem to lie in the work ethic of getting a job and bringing home a paycheck to buy lots of things/cars/houses and leaving the kids in daycare.
This is more specific- but do you also have any encouragement for women who have a significant graduate degree (i.e. more than a masters) but in the end want to stay home? I am very lucky in that due to a unique situation I have no debt associated with my degree, but after toiling away for years to complete it I just want to stay at home and have a family! Nearly everyone except for two close friends seem to think I'm crazy for not wanting to work.
Thanks for any words of encouragement you can provide!
Sincerely,
Mable
Oh dear...that's hard, and I think it's so sad. Sometimes people who vigorously espouse women's right to choose what they want to do with their lives begin to treat staying home as an inferior choice and that breaks my heart.
Sadly, some people feel that a job is only respectable as long as you're not doing it for your own family. You can be a chef, a professional organizer, a professional maid, a daycare worker, a teacher, or an accountant, and they'll think well of you, but if you do those things in your own home for your own family, somehow, that's not worth anything.
This makes no sense to me...my family is composed of the most important people in the world to me, and I think taking care of them is really, super-duper important and valuable, and I absolutely do not think it's crazy. Why in the world is it silly to invest my brain, energy, gifts, and time into the people I value most?
I also don't think it's a waste of a good mind or a good education. I feel like what I do here at home is very challenging, stretching (I wear a wide variety of hats here at home), and not remotely boring. I also don't think it's somehow less hard than working at a job.
I think this decision has to come down to what you value and what you think is good for your children. I personally feel like I'd rather have my family live with less money/stuff (even though I think we live pretty darn well on less!) and me at home than more money/stuff and me away at work all day.
(just to be clear, I do understand that there are situations where a parent cannot stay at home, but I'm working off the assumption that that is not the case here).
The years with my children at home are relatively short (6 more years 'til Joshua graduates, actually!), and when my last kiddo Zoe graduates from high school, I know I won't look back and wish I'd spent more time earning money.
If you feel that way and your husband feels that way, stand strong together and don't let other people make you take a path you really don't want to take. 🙂
___________________________
Today's 365 post: Boring and Better
Joshua's 365 post: Guillotine
Wow, very well said! I am a stay at home mom of two wonderful kids she 3rd year in college and him 3rd year in high school. And yes we don't have the extravagant house or cars so I have to work. I wanted to be here for when my kids got home from school everyday or picked them up. I worked a little bit but I was there at home before they were. If my kid's need me to be there for them, drive 70 miles because she need's something or forgot something when she came down to visit, I can drive it up to her. If he needs me to pick something up, drop something off or just txt him an answer during the day I am here. I have stayed home for over 23 years and loved every minute of it. I agree with FG if you have to work come home make dinner, do laundry, and clean house on weekends I applaud you. When my kids are gone and yes I am sure I will get bored because I tend to get bored now, I don't know I might find a job or then I might just stay home and be a wife.
I wish I had the option of being a stay-at-home-husband but that's more because of how my personality works. Sadly, that will never be an option in my life. I am hoping that later in life I can shift to a different work environment that isn't so rigid and inflexible.
I consider living with less and being closer to your family a lifestyle choice. I know a family who has grown up kids and they seem to have it all: new cars, all the fancy items they want, vacations to exotic places, trips to fancy expensive restaurants several nights a week and yet they also appear to have nothing. The father of the family is never home as he's off working many side jobs. The mother of the house is constantly changing friends and trying all sorts of quack mental and physical hokum (Reiki, psychics etc.) They have a mostly cool relationship with one of their kids and the other they complete disowned from the family because he was struggling to pay his bills and his creditors came calling on his parents ("Thou Shalt Not Affect Thy Father's Credit Rating" is apparently the worst sin in the religion of Money) So it's true that Money won't give you a happy family.
So do what makes YOU happy and hey, if you can afford to be a SAHM, more power to you! I'm sure there are resources in your community and if there aren't, maybe you can start some.
The good news with an advanced degree is that you may be able to get a smaller job at a university (many colleges are looking for part-timers as then they avoid the overly generous pensions and healthcare) and then still be able to spend most of your time at home with your kids.
With reference to tests for your kids, do you mean to say that you would need to personally register them for the tests on your own, if you want them to take it?
No, in our county they can take standardized tests at the public schools just like any other kid. I took my PSAT and SAT with a whole bunch of public schooled kids at a public school.
Well said Kristen! And thank you for sharing such encouraging insight. God bless~
Mable,
Just a note of support for you. My mom worked part time and my MIL didn't have an outside job once she had kids (although she did all the books for the family business- which isn't salaried, and was in home). I consider them both to be SAHM to some point. I get to stay home part time (mainly due to I wasn't ready to give up my job I had before I got preggo, and I enjoy the social aspect), but am wrestling with staying home full time after my 2nd baby arrives. I still get mixed reviews from our famliles and friends. My husband and I discuss this frequently, and have come to the conclusion that we have to do what is best for us. I encourage you to do the same. Income is important, but not the only factor by any means!
I worked with a very sweet woman who started in my industry, stoped working when she had her son, and then picked right back up where she left off when he was in highschool. She said she has never regretted that decision a moment in her life.
I stayed at home with my kids, although I did books for our business, I had most of my friends say, it must be nice but I have to work and then proceeded to be jealous that we travelled in the winter (next to impossible in the summer here in Canada for our business) and had a "nice" house, what they didn't see is the ways I didn't spend money, I cooked from scratch compared to processed (read: expensive) foods, I didn't spend a lot on clothes, I tried to watch where our money went & put the importance on what was important to us as a family. In the end, do what is important to you & your hubby, it was vitally important to us as a couple that one of us be here when they got home from school and as a result have pretty darned good young men. Also keep in mind your cost of working, it will surprise you that you may be better off staying home, depending on your wage. Many people are in the hole when it comes to working with kids. Sorry for the long winded reply :-))
Ditto. I am so sick of hearing "oh you have so much money you don't have to work full time". No. I choose to spend the money I do have wisely so I don't have to work full time!
I really don't care that my van isn't brand new. I don't pay $400/month to drive it every month! Which means I don't have to work to pay for a van to drive to work. Terrible cycle!
I spent four years in grad school and left right before my quals, shortly after my son was born. Honestly, though, even if I'd finished my Ph.D., I don't think my career path would be any different. There are almost no tenure-track jobs in my field, and that's not a route I'd want to take with small kids anyway.
So, for now, I've got a master's, some part-time teaching (1-2 classes the fall and spring terms), and three kids. I homeschool the oldest (the other two are too little for school). My DH stays home with the kids when I'm teaching, which is usually 2-3 mornings per week for 2 hours. I like having that time out of the house teaching, but I also would not want to spend any more time working outside the home.
I'm a liberal Episcopalian, so I'm not motivated to stay home for religious reasons. It just works for us. Practically, it's nice, because day care is so expensive, and putting two under two in even part-time day care would cost enough that it wouldn't be worth it for me to work. But it's also just nice to have one of us home to do the household, day-to-day stuff, rather than both of us working full-time then scrambling to get the household stuff done in our evening hours.
Do you know moms with small kids in your neighborhood? Most families with small kids I know have one parent whose at home at least part of the time. I have a few friends who are either at home full-time or work part-time and are home most of the time, and I try to get out for walks with them or playdates with their kids a couple of times a week.
I've been fortunate, though, that I haven't really had anybody criticize my not working full-time.
If my in-laws were not able to relocate to our town a few months after our first is due, we would have to really do the math on me working vs. staying at home because full-time daycare where we live costs nearly as much as I bring home.
From a fellow frugal gal, I want to invite anyone who is contemplating homeschooling in my home state of IOWA to visit my home school website, http://www.homelearningresources.com.
Mable:
I am a nonreligious, educated feminist who has chosen to stay home with my children. My mom stayed home with my sister and I when we were kids, but there was never any expectation that we would necessarily do the same. I don't think education is EVER wasted, no matter how advanced your degree (and it's great that you have no debt!)
Dealing with your family is more difficult; I'm lucky that my family and my husband's family are all very supportive of my decision to stay home. The only thing I can really suggest is to stress to them that spending time with your kids is more important to you than working and making a lot of money...it's just crucial to avoid demonizing their own decisions when having that discussion. Best of luck to you!
For Mabel: I totally agree with Kristen other posts. There are lots of SAHMs out there; if you have things in your area like story time at the library, local parks, indoor playgrounds, etc. it is easy to meet other moms during the day, and very important to build a little community of support for yourself. There are also a lot of moms meetup groups I was able to find for my area online. In our town, there were even several "playground tours" where groups would meet at a different playground every week.
As for your education, IMO what a great use of education! I have a B.A. and I heard all the same stuff, esp from former coworkers. Staying home with my kids has been a great choice for us; our boys are thriving, and having a simplified lifestyle on one paycheck has imparted the kind of values that are important to us. And certainly in the blogosphere there are tons of blogging mamas from all walks of life. I find that trying to explain our choices to friends who don't agree with us difficult because I kind of feel like they get defensive, which is not what I want at all, so I basically say to each his own, this works for us and I feel content. Good luck!
Hi, Mabel,
As a SAHM, I figure that since I'm not bringing IN any money, my job is to keep the money from going OUT.
One thing I would strongly recommend to you is to find something for your brain to do. Frankly, I didn't find babies/toddlers/preschoolers to be very intellectually stimulating, and I was going nuts. The thing that saved me was that we started homeschooling. All the research into various curricula, setting up schedules, and the actual teaching...my brain could sink its teeth into that, and it kept me from going absolutely nuts.
And just wondering...how does your fiancee feel about you staying home? This is a pretty significant values issue, not to mention a financial one. If you are both on the same page, and he's willing to defend the decision to his family, great! If not, is that something you're willing to give up?
Hi Mable: I, too, pursued graduate degrees, then immediately upon graduating got married, had children, and stayed home for 12 years. No better choice for myself or my family. I'd still be home except we made another family decision to move to a farm and a second income was part of financing that dream. Now that I've entered the workforce, am I behind my peers? Career wise, perhaps -- but really, taking the mommy track didn't affect me much (I did stay abreast of my career by writing articles while at home). I think you have your priorities straight and perhaps what you feel is disapproval is really jealousy. Your kids will appreciate you at home, sounds like it would make you happy, and what could be more important? Do it!
It's all been said (and very well) by Kristen and everyone else today, but I'll echo them anyway:
I have a degree, currently work as a mortgage and investment advisor, and am planning and working (and longing) towards staying at home when my third baby comes (170 days and counting) FOREVER.
It broke my heart to go back to work after Miss, then after Jr. There are things I love about working (uh...being able to concentrate on one task for more than ten minutes at a stretch is a big one), but I feel that my education and work experience have wonderfully equipped me to do the job I really, really want to do: Mom, Wife, Bookkeeper for Family Business (is that all of us, or what?), Blogger, Copyeditor, etc., etc.
Well said everyone.
I just wanted to offer encouragement to choose a career of family. I did this over 10 years ago and have no regrets. Yes, my friends thought I was crazy but full time paid work was not worth the sacrifice. When you enter the SAH community you will find many friends and lots of support. I am always amazed at the quality of women I encounter. Women with advanced degrees and former high paying and even executive incomes. Not to mention women, and men that truly value family. I live near a military base so there are a few SAHDads too.
I would recommend a few books, How To LIve On One Income (the author left a high paying job), Radical Homemakers (these men and women do not have religious reasons for their lifestyle) You CAn Have it All (just not at the same time) This book and many follow up articles speaks to 'seasons' in your life. There are many more. Dave Ramsey is great for pointing out the monetary value of a parent at home.
Finally, as I seek less and less paid work, I find that this career I have chosen, SAHM, is the greatest and most important I will every do. No one else is qualified at raising my children. My baby will loose his first tooth soon and time really does fly. I will only be 50 when my youngest enters college. There is plenty of time for paid work. I have many skills to offer the world but I choose to offer them to my family first. Best wishes
Mable -
I left a managment position with a pretisgious Fortune 500 company to stay home when I had my child. Most people thought I was crazy. My value was that people are more important than things. I waited a long time to have a child and wanted to be the person raising my baby/toddler/young child.
I've found it helpful to think of my life in chapters. Just because you stay home with your child(ren) doesn't mean that you won't be in the workforce at a later date. I ended up going back to work part time when my son was in second grade.
IMHO it is never a mistake to live your values.
Good Luck!
Chapters ARE a good way to think of it! I know I can always go out and get a job or start a business or something later on if I really want to, but at least for right now, home is where I want to be.
The SAHM thing is so sad...
Not religious, my mom was a SAHM and hubby's mom pretty much was though she always had ways of trying to make money when the kids were older(limo driver in a small town, party balloon deliveries, video store owner before blockbuster was big).
My brother and his wife work and ALWAYS have...they have a pot head kid (15) and one that just went into an in-treatment facility for an eating disorder (18)...Mom bends over backwards to spend time with her kids and it is evident she feels guilty but can't NOT spend money so she has to work and they have BIG TIME Money problems (almost foreclosed, bill collectors...) for years they made more than my family.
I don't work, have been a SAHM for 16 out of 21 yrs, my kids are pretty good kids, no troubles, no drinking, no parties, I know where they are all the time (even the 20 yr old he tells us).
Honestly growing up I always knew I would be a mom and not work, I went to Community College for 1 yr but never really had a goal in mind other than AA degree. I LOVE to cook/bake and be Suzie homemaker.
I didn't have kids so other people could raise them....
I've been a full-time working mom a full-time sahm and lots of points in between. I hate how we define ourselves based on our work status. I've been the same mom throughout (no matter if I was working or not). Part of my life were very different but I was not. Working or staying at home isn't who I am - it's what I'm doing. That is something that can change many time throughout your life. The most important thing is to be on the same page with your spouse and to follow your heart. Right now I'm working part-time and couldn't be happier. What will I do in 5yrs? Who knows but I hope I am listing to myself most of all.
I hope you didn't feel like I was denigrating working moms...just trying to say that the SAH choice isn't necessarily inferior and can sometimes be the better choice. 🙂
Oh no! I didn't feel you were denigrating working moms. It just so much of the converstaion around these issues seems to pit women on one side or the other. I think we're all on both sides. All SAHM I know worked at one point in their lives and all Working Moms I know at least had maternity leave (if not longer) at home. It gets treated like a total identity - instead of just one part of our lives. (not sure I'm making total sense - but that's what I was getting at)
Great point Adrienne! We are all moms... and that is probably more defining than working outside the home or not. We need to support each other no matter what our work choices are.
Adrienne, I think you said it very well!
Okay here is my 2 cents, I am going to be 55 and my daughter is 33yrs old married 6yrs now.We are both educated women SHE has 2 Masters! Right now she works her schedule around so she has time with hubby,time with me,time to run and do all domestic goddess things that she loves.I am a nurse and have never had just 1 job HOWEVER I also was a highly planned person(1 child,1 husband lol) so hubby and I worked different shifts so I could do most everything I wanted plus devote myself to her.My point is do what feels right for you and from year to year it may change.There is no right or wrong way to live our lives except to not enjoy every moment.I am not religous or any political view just common sense/cents.Best of luck
I, too, am a SAHM and homeschooler. We've had to live the difference before an unbelieving family that I could 'give up my education' and stay home. Fast forward 30 years and 5 kids later, the rest of the family stopped giving us grief. Our kids are thrilled their mom was available to them, and continues to be since there are still 2 here in school. This has been a blessed season of my life and I am so grateful for a husband who has been willing to work hard so I could learn and play alongside our kids. G.K. Chesterton - search for his "Essay on Domesticity" - says it much better than I. To paraphrase one line, 'I'd rather be 50 things to one child (and what SAHM isn't) than 1 thing to 50 kids'.
It is a rare blessing to be able to stay home in this economy. It is not always an option for everyone. Those who struggle and feel guilty are often the ones for whom there are no other options. It is not my place to judge the efforts/choices of others; I'm not in their house or shoes.
For Mabel, my husband recently took the leap to stay home with our kids, ages 3, 6, and 9. We aren't particularly religious; we just felt we could do better by them, and when we did the math, his decent-paying job still didn't bring in that much money when we deducted all the expenses associated with having two working parents. Our plan was never to have a stay-at-home parent, but it really has added a level of sanity to our lives. Two jobs doesn't always equate to more income, and definitely doesn't equate to more household peace. BTW, check out the book "Torn," which is essays by working mom (some now not working, some now not working but with very advanced degrees). The decision to have a parent at home is a very personal one, and should be made by each family.
This probably won't help you very concretely, but you're not alone with your advanced degree. My mother-in-law as a PhD, and so does my sister-in-law. My MIL was always a stay-at-home mom (through her kids' high school, and now she's a homemaker), and my sister-in-law teaches one class a semester and is home the rest of the time.
"You" being Mable...not Kristen 🙂
Mable,
I love The Frugal Girl and have been following her longer than any other blog, but lately I also follow Dig This Chick because she has beliefs (or non-beliefs, I suppose) more similar to my own. Besides her own blog, Dig also writes weekly for Mamalode, and her post there today matches this theme perfectly. Check it out. (Sorry to plug someone else, FG, but I love you both! Besides, I found her through Enjoying the Small Things which I found through you--six degrees of the blogosphere, I guess...)
No worries at all, Jen! 🙂 Spread the love.
BTW, we just looked at your blog, and Sonia is quite enamored with your little girl. Super cute!!!
Oh, I love Nici, too! I've been reading her for 3+ years now and it always warms my heart. A woman with passion (and a degree) and who is at home.
Agreeing with Michelle, it is nobody's business but Mable's and her fiancé's, but it is critical that they make that choice together, and she needs to make sure her staying home adds value to the family. If he actually has the same long-term expectations re: work/money as his family, their marriage won't last long, and it would really be too bad if they figure this out after children are in the picture. I have recently watched a friend's marriage disintegrate, largely because the wife didn't want to go back to work outside the home after their child was in school full-time. The problem was she wanted to keep spending like a two-income family, and still wanted lots of me-time (read: gym, wine, waxing) when I think her family should have been spending time together, and wasn't generally doing the WORK of being a SAHM (because it clearly IS work). Her husband wanted her contributions to be more tangible if she was going to be spending so freely. So now she is a single, part-time mom.
After spending a year at home with each of my babies, I returned to work outside the home. But we would make other choices if we found the children weren't in good hands. Even with two incomes, we live moderately if not frugally, save lots, and have no debt but the mortgage. We do these things both to set a good example for our kids, and to be able to make a change quickly to one stay-at-home parent without major lifestyle changes. Sometimes I feel there is a silent war between 'working moms' and SAHMs, when we should all be working towards the same thing - creating healthy, kind, well-adjusted children who can reach their fullest potential, support themselves, and their families in the future. I believe there can be more than one path, and that path can change.
I am in the same situation as Mable. I quit my "good" job a few years ago so that I could find a part time job and be home with my kids the rest of the time. Now I have the option to quit altogether in the fall and I am doing it. I want to spend time with my kids before they are all grown up. I also love cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. My mom thinks I am absolutley nuts. We don't talk about it anymore because we will never agree. She thinks having money is more important. Like everyone else has said I think it's important to do what you think is most important even if that means not having much money.
What great questions today. Less than 2 months ago I quit my job of 18 1/2 years to stay at home with my girls. I wish we had been able to do it sooner but we had debt to pay off. We had really nice things but it was what created the debt. Together we made very good money but after we figured out where it all was going and how much it really cost for me to work, we decided it was time. My oldest is about to be 18, a senior, but I have an 8 year old that started homeschooling today and a 3 1/2 year old that is home as well getting a little bit of schooling. I am really excited to get the opportunity to teach my girls and spend so much time with them. We made this decision over a year ago and had to plan and follow for it to work out. Time with our girls is so much more important than those "things" that were costing us so much money. I firmly believe that you should do what you feel is best as long as your spouse is in total agreement. Life is full of others questioning what you are doing or why you are doing it. Do not let them keep you from doing what is in your heart. Congratulations on having no debt! Whether you stay home or not having no debt is wonderful.
For Mable -
I was in the opposite situation. Both my mother and my MIL were SAHMs and (ahem, strongly) encouraged me to do the same. I, on the other hand, had higher academic aspirations and wanted to complete my Ph.D. Bottom line, it is your and your husband's choice as was mine and my husband's. I just gently told them (more than once) that my husband and I are making the choice that we believe is right for our family. As much as I LOVE the idea of homeschooling my progeny (especially since I'm an educator!) I do not have the patience to homeschool my strong-willed kid (I swear, he is just like his mother! 😉 )
Do what is best for you and your family. In the end, it is you who has to live with your choices. Obviously, your extended family do not make their choices based on your beliefs so you are both even. (I actually said this outright when my MIL got particularly pushy at one point and it shut her down. It might work for you too.)
Good luck! I'm sure you all will be just grand!
Just another support for anyone who wants to be a SAHM. I, too, have a Master's degree and have decided that it is not only financially worth it, but it is such a blessing to know that the person who has the most influence on my children's lives will be me. I know that family pressure can be hard to deal with, but it's worth it if you can tell yourself that you made the best decision for your family.
I also wanted to point out that there are a lot of support groups (Mother's Offering Mother's Support - MOMS, Mother's of Preschoolers - MOPS) that aren't religious at all. Being a part of a group of women who are educated, funny, talented and happy at home was instrumental in me realizing the value of my work.
When you are a SAHM, your world becomes a lot smaller, but the little people who you are influencing in that small world become huge. Good luck in your decisions!
I think SAHM's and working moms can each do a great job for their families and each family should choose what works best for them. I would urge every Mom out there to at least be prepared to be able to make a decent living if needed, however. Life doesn't always go according to plan. I was left a widow at 39 and was only able to keep my three children in our house because I was able to return to a teaching career. We were frugal before it became fashionable and my kids always laugh about how Mom streched pennies, but we managed on a teacher's salary. My daughter just got married after getting her degree in accounting. I think she deliberately chose a career she could always return to based on my experience.
I think it's definitely good to have a plan in place. We have life insurance, and if Mr. FG died, my plan was always to do piano teaching on a more full-time basis (still from home).
I've also got the photography option, and my blog earns money as well, so I've got several contingency plans in place.
More people are doing homeschool because they cannot afford expensive stuff. It helps the budget big time. Do you have any tips for homeschool special ed?
I don't, as none of my own kids have needed it thus far. I know there are resources out there for parents of kids with special educational needs, though.
Yes, health insurance. I would think it's very important if someone was a Stay At Home Parent, to make sure that if the spouse working outside the home lost their job, etc., a good health insurance backup plan be in place should that unfortunately happen. Also dental, as that can be very expensive also.
I think we all agree that this is a very personal decision and we all have to choose for ourselves. Several people brought up financial motivations for working (which makes sense) but there are those of us who simply love what we do. I don't have children yet, but in my own case, my career will always be important to me. I'm a scientist in the middle of my postdoctoral training and I think when the time comes, my kids will be just as happy and balanced as they would have been if I had stayed home with them. Sorry if my tone sounds touchy, I don't mean any disrespect to the women who DO choose to stay home. I just wanted to make the point that I don't believe staying at home full time or (part time) to raise my kids is necessarily the most valuable thing I could do. And one thing that does irk me a little bit is that the majority of the people who end up staying home are women, not men...
There's a great book called "Women Leaving the Workplace" by Larry Burkett. Also, the free publication "Above Rubies" is very encouraging to stay-home moms!
~Heather, SAHM of 9 homeschooled chidlren!
Although I do understand the many reasons women may choose to not work outside the home, in my personal experience I feel that for my mother, the worst decision she ever made for herself and her family was to stay at home. When you have been out of the workforce for 5-10 years it is VERY hard to get a decent job. Now my parents are worse off than ever before, have no retirement savings, and even WITH mine and my sisters rent, they can barely pay the bills. Just something to think about.
I think that depends very much on the particulars of each situation. There are a lot of people who have gotten back into the workforce after taking time off to raise children, and there are some careers where this is especially not a problem.
There's just not a one-size-fits-all answer so each couple needs to make a wise decision based on their situation, but the original reader who asked the question doesn't seem to be in a situation where she has to choose between retirement savings and staying home.
I recently graduated with a Ph.D. in Neuroscience. I never thought I would want to be a SAHM. While finishing my grad degree, my husband and I managed to not put our son in daycare. Mainly, he came to the lab with me and I worked when he napped, played, etc. Now that I am done, and have a second child, I am loving the SAHM job! I think you (Mable) just need to be confident in your decision. I will return to work on a full time basis when the kids a bit older. But for now, I love what I do. If people make snide comments or aren't supportive, just smile and say "I am so sorry you feel that way" and let it go. It never helps to argue.
And I would also like to agree with previous comments that staying at home or working doesn't make you a better mom. I have seen plenty of moms at the park not involved or paying attention to their kids because they are too busy on their Iphone, etc. I try to hold off judgement because I don't know what it going on in their life, but it happens so often. Just because you are at home doesn't mean you are really AT home. I think overall what is important is to find the balance appropriate for your family and be happy.
Beautifully put regarding SAHM! I think I'm going to share some quotes with my friends!
I don't care what anyone says, raising your kids is the hardest job you will EVER have. Especially if you stay at home with them. I also have a Masters degree (MBA) and had a great job in corporate America but chose to stay home with my girls when I was expecting #3. You will never get this time back in your kids lives, whereas you will always have time to go back to work.
It's a unique decision for every family, they have to evaluate whether they can make it work financially and emotionally. Some moms just aren't made to be SAHMs. And some moms just can't leave their kids in daycare. And some dads are better as the primary care provider for their family.
IMO, the #1 priority is to make sure the situation works best for everyone in your family -- the mom, the dad, and the kids (or whatever variation is applicable to your family). If those outside of your family don't agree, that's their problem. *You* are the one who has to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.
~LeeAnn
I work outside the home and it is necessary. My husband works but is in college full time. I am lucky in that I have a career not a job. I feel huge amounts of guilt for working outside the home. At the same time, I feel huge amounts of pride for my work. I'm completely torn, yet this is how we need to live right now. My four year old attends a private Catholic pre-school and is advanced for her age. It hurts me to my core when some one says, "I didn't have children for someone else to raise." Or, "I could NEVER leave my child at daycare. How do you do it?" I have internal battles every day, because I love my child AND my work. I plan on working less when my husband finishes school. However, I do not believe I could stay home full time. My child loves to go to school and she loves to stay home with mom or dad when she can. We eat supper together every single night. I cook semi-home made. We try. We try hard.
Tracy, you should feel good about your decision. It's a wise choice because you considered all your circumstances, including the fact that your little daughter is doing so well in school. It sounds like you have a great family! You don't have to answer anyone who would say such hurtful things (indeed, that's the reason they said what they did), but if you feel you must, you could simply say that you're doing what you feel is best for your family right now.
I think you're doing great.
Just want to echo everyone to say that choice means CHOICE. Yes, it is pitiful that some have interpreted choice to mean choose to work only! You have to find the way that works for you and your family. Agree with the poster who suggested thinking about this issue in terms of "chapters" -- that really resonates for me! When my daughter was little, I was at home; later on, I worked part time on a schedule that dovetailed with hers so I was almost always there. Now that she is (gulp) almost 22 years old, I work full time in a completely different career. I have friends in both camps -- and there is no singular correct decision, just the way that works for you.
Also love the suggestion to just "smile and say sorry you feel that way." Useful in so many situations but especially here -- no one else's opinion really matters beyond you and your spouse's. Good luck!
My son is almost 3, I worked for almost the first year of his life, but I've been a SAHM since just after his first birthday. My Mom was a working mom for most of my life. However, my boyfriend and I agreed that for ourselves and our family, it is in the best interest of all involved that I don't work unless our son is in school. I'm still pursuing my education, because I do eventually want to work, but right now, my son is happier and I'm happier being home with him. So my advice is, you only have one life here on Earth and it's short. The last thing you need to do is regret a decision as big as this. So if your heart directs you to stay home and you can do so without too much hardship, then by all means stay home.